Oh the Pain, The Pain...

Sorry for the lack of posts lately (although I think I deserve a little credit for the frequency with which I apologize for not posting more frequently).  I really expected to be back to more regularly scheduled blogging by now, but I plead guilty with an explanation; unfortunately, I've got too much pain on the brain to actually explain at the moment, so I'm taking a risk that Mark Zuckerberg might sue me for violating his copyright to my words by porting over my last few status updates from Facebook:

April 5

Here's my State of the Union Report on what condition my condition is in. In a word: Ouch. In a more expressive and accurate word: [Expletive Deleted]. Apparently gnomes have been sneaking into my room at night and replacing my spine with a string of Black Cat firecrackers smuggled over from Tijuana, because when I picked up a 24 lb jug of cat litter yesterday and leaned over to pour it out, my vertebrae began exploding one after another.

Without hyperbole, this is the worst pain I've experienced in 3 years at least. Practically immobilized yesterday, and today, getting out of bed was a laborious process that involved a good deal of trial and error, the improvisation of various Rube Goldbergian devices for acquiring leverage, and more weeping and cursing than the Russian Roulette scene in The Deer Hunter.

April 6

State of the Spine report: Spent 9 minutes trying to get up this morning, displaying the grit, determination, and gracelessness of an inverted, ruptured tortoise attempting to right itself. Seriously considered just giving up and wetting the bed, but suspected that might prove legitimate grounds for divorce, so eventually I just put a washcloth in my mouth and pretended I was a cowboy biting down on a hunk of rawhide as I lay wild-eyed and feverish on my saddle, while the chuckwagon cook squatted in the flickering glow of the campfire and used a jackknife and a toasting fork to dig an arrowhead out of my back.

Finally, it came free (which is to say, I got a foot on the floor and a hand on the night stand). Cookie staunched the blood flow with a sweaty neckerchief, then the Trail Boss pulled out the harness strap I'd nearly bitten in half and allowed me a long, grateful pull of whiskey before they rolled me over and cauterized the wound with a branding iron. (Side effects may include pain, infection, unmanly shrieking, persistent scar tissue, and the tendency to be mistaken for a steer while standing in a bucolic environment. Ask your doctor if branding is right for you.)

However, now that I'm upright enough to swallow a pill without choking, I'm finding that helpful meds are helpful, and the pain is less constant, and more like brief, intense floggings with a cat o'nine tails, so I'll probably be switching to "The Story of O" fantasy for the remainder of the day.

April 7

Today's Beast With One Malfunctioning Back report begins with the Riddle of the Sphinx: "What moves on four legs in the morning, on two legs at noon, and on three legs in the evening?" If you answered, "Man," then you correctly guessed that A) I finally answered one of those spam emails for Male Enhancement, or B) I shamefacedly asked Mary to buy me a cane so I can make it from my desk to the bathroom. In related news, a lion with the head of a woman just burst into flames somewhere, and I say Good Riddance, because I think these Monsanto genetic modification products have just gotten out of hand.

So the bottom line is, things are much worse today. I can't straighten up, the meds are barely touching the pain, and I may have to sleep in the recliner tonight, because Mary's back at work tomorrow and I can't get out of bed unassisted. On the bright side, I did manage to slip a Sophocles reference into my daily bitchfest about my back, so while I'm whiny, I'd also edifying.

Okay, this is now officially the most self-indulgent post I've ever written, having navel-gazed all the way through to my backbone, but I wanted you guys to know why I haven't made good on my promise of more regular posts, and why any future posts over the next few days may sound a little on the opiate-assisted side.

Honey, Where Do We Keep the Locusts?

Since Mary and I live in a fairly Jewish neighborhood, it's easy to nip down to our corner grocery and stock up on all those essential Passover party favors:

Just imagine the hours of fun you can have, collecting all Ten Plagues!

"I'll trade you my Sticky Hand with Boils for your Death of Firstborn."

"Throw in some Blood and Lice, and you got a deal!"

Future Events Like These Will Affect Us In The Future

Megan McArdle in undated file photo.

Happy Birthday, Mary C! By Bill S!

Today, we wish a Very Happy Birthday  to MaryC, a Special Lady (And a Very Exciting Girl), who deserves a Very Special Gift. So, once again I turn, as I did in years past, to that every reliable source for the best prezzies, Carol Wright Gifts.   Let's shop around, shall we?

INFLATABLE SALAD BAR (only $19.99) "Quick and easy Entertaining...Simply inflate, fill with ice...and enjoy!"

The perfect thing for those hot summer days when you're hungry but don't feel like getting out of the pool.

PILLOW PETS (Why pay $25.00? Only $19.99) "As seen on TV...This huggable stuffed animal opens to a soft chenille pillow when you unfasten its tummy"

Let's see a LIVE pet do that! And it's a much better gift than Pilowpants, that's for sure.

CELEBRATE THE ROYAL WEDDING! "Share in one of the most anticipated weddings of the century between Prince William and Kate Middleton with the Royal Heirloom Ring -- the same engagement ring Princess Diana wore! This limited edition replica glitters with a simulated Ceylon sapphire (3 carats) surrounded by fourteen brilliant, simulated diamonds (1.26 carats) and is layered in sterling silver. Includes certificate of authenticity and a velveteen box" ($19.99)

A certificate of authenticity to verify that it is, indeed, a cheap knockoff? Well, I suppose it would come in handy if you're visiting the Royal Family and don't want to be mistaken for a thief.

THE 30-SECOND "HAIR TRANSPLANT" (Why pay $66.00? Only $19.99) "Simply shake TOPPIK (TM) over your thinning hair and thousands of tiny color-matched fibers (made of the same Keratin protein as your own hair) will bond to your hair for a natural-looking thickness and fullness until you shampoo it out"

or until it rains, or you begin to sweat.

"Specify color on order: black, dark brown, medium brown, light brown or grey."

So, if you're a blonde or a redhead, I guess you're screwed...but if you're so desperate to hide the fact that you're balding that you're willing to use this product, I guess you're screwed anyway.

FLATTERING BATIK DRESS (As low as $19.99) 

Flattering, perhaps, but on whom? They look like something Mrs. Roper might wear to do her gardening.

LADIES CROSS WATCH (Only $9.99)

It's a cross between something gaudy & ugly, and something impractical & uncomfortable.

GIGGLING HAPPY PILL "Squeeze your Giggling Happy Pill when you need a lift! This happy pill 'Plush' proves laughter is truly the best medicine. Use as often as needed! Ages 3+."

Because what three year old DOESN'T want to play with a plushy amphetamine?

"Plush bursts with uncontrollable laughter!"

As will you, when you see what this squeeze toy looks like.

"Louis B. Mayer gave me to Judy Garland, instead of a Teddy Bear!"

"Squeeze me, and I release thousands of tiny time pills -- of madness!"

(Only $7.00) Is that all? I think we have a winner!

Happy Birthday, Mary! Hope the day's Extra Super Special!

-Bill S

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The Special Guest Villain Edition

This week, our theme is staring.  Evil stares, since we're dealing with cats here, but that pretty much goes without saying.  First up is returning guest star Chester, closed captioned by our own KWillow (Click to embiggen):

Next up, Moondoggie:

"Oh -- hi!  I'm, uh...your Time-Warner Cable representative.  You haven't been experiencing any connectivity issues, have you...?"

And finally, Riley:

"Wait...What the hell did I just step in?"

The Emancipation Approximation

Let's check in with our old friend Matt "Bam Bam" Barber, the Boxing Nun.

"So I've got the goatee and the suspenders, but I'm wondering...is there anyway I could possibly look more like a douche?  What do you listeners think?  Lines are open..."

‘Pro-Choice’ Slave Masters Losing War

The pro-aborts are losing. They know it, and they hate it.

It's true.  We're being underbid in the marketplace by the pro-bono-aborts.

As LifeNews.com reported in January: “CNN released the results of a new poll showing a majority of Americans want all or most abortions prohibited – a clear pro-life majority.”

Well, I guess that's it.  The practitioners of anti-choice activities (or an-cho-vies, as the pro-aborts like to call them), have sounded the death knell for Roe v. Wade.

Indeed, the winds of life are blowing free the foul stench of a pro-abortion culture of death.

I told the other people in the movement that "pro-abortion culture of death" was a crappy name for our new line of imposter fragrances.  Good name for a punk band, though.

Oh what the hell, I might as well get out of the boat, seeing as it's sinking and all...  From the LifeNews "report":

In August, CNN released the results of a new poll showing a majority of Americans want all or most abortions prohibited — a clear pro-life majority.

The survey asked: “Do you think abortion should be legal under any circumstances, legal under only certain circumstances, or illegal in all circumstances?” Some 62 percent want abortions illegal in all cases or legal only in certain instances while just 35% want abortions legal for any reason.

If you click the link above (warning: goes to a pdf), you'll see that this poll, from August 2012, is mostly about the presidential election, with one question on abortion (or two, depending on how you answer).  I guess there's an art to reading polls without skewing, because I looked at this thing and got a very different impression of the results than the experts at LifeNews.com did.  Maybe you guys can help me decode this statistical mumbo-jumbo (click to embiggen):

To my untutored eye, it seems like the number of people who think abortion should be legal under any circumstances has actually increased -- by 10 points since 2011.  The number who think it should be legal in at least some circumstances has decreased by 6 points, but the percentage of the population who think it should be outlawed has also decreased by the same amount.  So while I guess you could come to the conclusion -- as the an-cho-vies at LifeNews.com (or Li-Nom, as we've just decided to call it) do -- that 62% of the American people are opposed to abortion by adding the number of people who want to see it criminalized to the number who wish to keep abortion legal, but with restrictions (pretty much the case since Roe v. Wade was first decided), you could also hang a left turn, adding the "legal under certain circumstances" crowd to the "Legal under any circumstances" degenerates, and conclude that a clear 82% of the population favors the Pro Choice position.

Instead of reaching back to last summer, Li-Nom could have avoided all this murky ciphering by simply going with the more recent CNN poll, headlined "Strong majority oppose overturning Roe v. Wade."  But like I said, arithmetic was never my strongest subject.

Anyway, back to Bam Bam...

This is why President Obama and his fellow pro-abort zealot, HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, have unilaterally, arbitrarily and unconstitutionally forced, through Obamacare, every taxpaying American citizen to fund “free” abortion-on-demand.

Thanks to the Affordable Care Act, pregnancy termination and the latest hit movies are now included free with my basic cable package.

This draconian overreach is in perfect keeping with the 2012 DNC platform, which, for the first time, admits without shame: “The Democratic Party strongly and unequivocally supports Roe v. Wade and a woman’s right to … abortion, regardless of ability to pay.”

"You can, of course, choose to support a woman's right to control her own body -- it's your soul that's going to roast in Hell, not mine -- but at least have the decency to be bashful about it."

Psalm 8:28 commands: “Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed.”

MATT:  And why would you even consider having an abortion?
WOMAN:  Well, physically I'm too weak to survive a pregnancy, the father abandoned me, and I'm too poor to raise a child.
MATT:  Those are all rational considerations, but I have this Hebrew pop song from the Sixth Century B.C., so your argument is invalid.

With its 1973 Roe decision, the U.S. Supreme Court put the government’s official stamp of approval on mass murder.

I dunno, Matt.  Even if you do consider abortion to be murder, it's still only one count of homicide.  It wouldn't be mass murder unless Octomom had an abortion.

Since then, the battle lines have been drawn. This is war. They, “pro-choicers,” are the bad guys, while pro-lifers are the good guys. It really is that simple – that black and white. It’s good versus evil.

Not that Matt wants you to enlist in his war and fight on behalf of white and good against black and evil by, say, shooting an abortion provider.  He would just like to point out that physicians are not signatories to the Geneva Convention, so if you happen to take up that AR-15 you are legally entitled to buy without a background check at a gun show, and point it in the face of a doctor and he happens to surrender, you're also legally entitled to make him work as slave labor on that bridge you're building over the River Kwai.

To the unenthusiastic mother, politically motivated abortion violence is deviously portrayed as an acceptable escape from what may seem a desperate situation.

"Yeah, sure, kid, the doctor says you've got 'PTSD' or some such crap from getting raped and impregnated by your uncle, but remember, doctors are enemy combatants in this war.  If you want my opinion, your real problem -- besides the broken jaw and the fractured ribs -- is a lack of enthusiasm.  Perk up, wouldja?"

To the innocent child, it is – without fail and without due process – execution by torture.

Which, thanks to John Yoo, is also now legal, making this war a whole lot easier.  I predict the blastocysts will be home by Christmas.

Consider the horrific practice of Partial-Birth Abortion, innocuously tagged “Intact Dilation and Extraction.” 

Begin by considering that "Intact Dilation and Extraction," a medical procedure, was tagged with the made-up term "Partial-Birth Abortion" by a Congressman and a lobbyist.

 "I'm dipping my pen in a uterus-shaped inkwell so the ladies don't feel left out."

This is a practice so brutal and so needless that even the liberal American Medical Association (AMA) admitted that it is never necessary under any circumstances.

Actually, that's what the Partial-Birth Abortion Ban Act of 2003 admits ("a gruesome and inhumane procedure that is never medically necessary").  The AMA says, "According to the scientific literature, there does not appear to be any identified situation in which intact D&X is the only appropriate procedure to induce abortion," which is not surprising, since "the procedure has had a low rate of use, representing 0.17% [of all abortions in the U.S.]."  The fact is, it's always seen more use in fundie talking points than in health clinics.

The AMA goes on to say that "ethical concerns" i.e., a stink, "have been raised about intact D&X. The AMA recommends that the procedure not be used unless alternative procedures pose materially greater risk to the woman. The physician must, however, retain the discretion to make that judgment, acting within standards of good medical practice and in the best interest of the patient."

So I guess the "American Medical Association (AMA) admitted that it is never necessary under any circumstances" can be checked off Matt's Tell a Lie For Leviticus! bucket list.

In Dred Scott the Court absurdly held that African-American slaves, even if emancipated, were not fully persons and therefore could never be considered U.S. citizens. Likewise, Roe v. Wade ruled that children in gestation are not fully persons and are therefore not entitled to their most basic civil right: life.

Dred Scott v. Sandford did indeed hold that slave owners could not be deprived of their property without due process, but that raises the question: Who's The Chattel? (one of the more offensive sit-coms of the mid-80s).  If we follow Dred Scott as precedent, then any embryo who escapes a pro-abort woman's womb through the Underpants Railroad could be caught, thanks to the Fugitive Fetus Act, and returned to her, even though she was trying to get rid of it in the first place.  But if the fetus can force the pro-abort to feed and house it for nine months, then it's actually the woman who's the slave, in which case they'll have to start making those Princess Leia metal bikinis in maternity sizes.

Call yourself “pro-choice”? Shame on you. You’re no better than a modern-day slave master. Dump the garbage and join the right side of history.

There’s plenty of room over here.

There sure is, Bam Bam. Mostly because people got up as soon as you started talking and found another bench.

Sundays With S.Z.: The Yob From Y.A.F.

Originally published October 13, 2003.

World O'Crap! Surfing the entire world wide web, to bring you crap wherever it may occur.

Today our usual suspects didn't have anything that inspired us, so, in a desperate attempt to find SOMETHING to write about, we tried clicking on their ads and links. And now we bring you the results:

I Was an Undercover Conservative for World O'Crap!

I started my journey into the heart of darkness ("The Horror! The horror!") by checking out some of the The Official Ann Coulter Site links. The first stop was the horrifying Young America Foundation (WARNING: every time I visit this site, my computer freezes. I suspect they have liberal-detecting software in place).

Anyway, YAF is an organization founded to help students promote conservative values and time-honored traditions like patriotism, morality, and segregation on their campuses. The most noteworthy feature of this organization for George Bush Babies is "Club 100".

Club 100 "Where activism counts!" is the conservative movement's first and only campus activist rewards program. This unique program thanks YOU for constantly striving to promote conservative ideas to your fellow students.

And just how do I subvert my fellow students?

Well, mainly by pressuring my university to invite (and pay) conservative speakers to indoctrinate my peers. But Club 100 also offers me cell leaders . . .I mean, mentors, who will guide me in my efforts to return this country to the good old days.

Club 100 Activist Mentors
Have you ever wanted to ask a Conservative Movement leader how to attract more members to your club or how to effectively promote conservative ideas on campus? As a member, you will have opportunities to talk with some of the Movements best strategists and tacticians. Club 100’s Activist Mentors Bay Buchanan, Reginald Jones, Star Parker, Kirby Wilbur, and Floyd Brown will offer you the chance to participate in special strategy sessions and members-only receptions.

"Strategy Sessions", "evil scheming," "plotting how to turn others to the dark side": Club100 has it all! But the best thing about Club 100 is the rewards! It's like a Frequent Flyer program for Fascism!

As you host Foundation speakers and attend Foundation programs, you will receive points for your activities. As you accumulate points throughout the year, you will receive rewards for being active. Some of these rewards include books from noted conservative authors including Ann Coulter, David Horowitz, Peggy Noonan, plus conservative videos, and exclusive Foundation merchandise.

Members who tally 100 points each academic year will be invited to attend a one-of-a-kind event, the Club 100 Reagan Ranch Retreat in April 2004! Held at the El Capitan Canyon north of Santa Barbara, this all-expenses paid event brings together the nation's leading conservative student activists with the Club 100 Mentors for a unique weekend of training, discussions, and an opportunity to explore the experiences Reagan enjoyed when he spent time on his ranch.

Wow, a week of conservatism training at Reagan Ranch Retreat, where you will have an opportunity to explore the experiences Reagan enjoyed! But don't let them keep you in the BrainWashaTron too long or you'll be enjoying the experiences Reagan currently enjoys.

This all sounded so good that I submitted my application to join Club 100. If I'm admitted, I can share my stories of smiting liberals and having cake bakes for Cheney with the other Club members. But if Bob Novak blows my cover and YAF realizes I'm not really an eager young conservative named Muffy attending Oral Roberts University, I fear for my life. I'll keep you updated on this.

The next Ann-endorsed link I tried was American Patriots for True Equality, a site dedicated to honoring the victims of 9/11 by getting rid of diversity (it's what they would have wanted).

It seemed to begin as a result of 9-11-01 that a new appreciation was brought to every Americans attention, that being, the value and worth of our freedoms in this wonderful country of ours.

Even the most apathetic individual was slapped in the face with reality on that day. A day that anyone cognizant of their surroundings, will be able to recall exactly what they were doing and where they were ... on that terrible morning that was to effect all our lives in one way or another.

Truer words have never been spoken, as it WAS a day that anyone cognizant of their surroundings will be able to recall where they were. And what better way to show we value and appreciate our freedoms than by keeping others from enjoying them, by restricting immigration.

Remember when families that immigrated into our great country wanted to speak "American English" and become part of our great society? When you could telephone somewhere and not have to listen to another language before picking the "English" option? When "The American Dream" meant raising a family, securing a home and piece of property and live the American Way? There was one American culture and it was the guideline that people lived and worked and raised their Children by until beginning late in the last century when for some, "Coming to America" meant grabbing all you can, sharing a habitat with several others and "Going Back Home" with all you could loot. A majority of the immigrants today, have no respect for America, and have gotten that opinion from their own government in the countries they are emigrating from. And the sad thing is we allow it! We have to stop the illegal flow of immigrants, and drastically cut the immigrants we allow in our country legally.

Yes, remember back to prior to 1980 or so, when there was one American culture? There were no Little Italys or Chinatowns or restricted country clubs back then, dammit, for we taught our Children by the guideline of that one culture. But that all started changing when we got this new breed of immigrant who disrespects America by speaking a foreign tongue. See, the Patriots conducted a scientific survey and determined that a "majority of immigrants today have no respect for America." They're just in it for the less-than-minimum-wage jobs and the crowded living conditions! Then, when they've looted America by picking our fruit, washing our dishes, and doing our other backbreaking, smelly jobs, they'll return to their home country and talk about us in their outlandish, non-American languages. The bastards!

So, the APFTE isn't going to let any more of these foreigners into our country, because if Americans have to listen to another language on voice mail, then it means the terrorists have won.

Americas Sworn Enemies Are Usually Past or Current Recipients of "Foreign Aid" From U.S. Taxpayers, Why Do We Help Them Hate Us? The APFTE wants ALL Foreign Aid Stopped To ANY Country That Has Not Sworn An Alliance to Our Country. We must heal our wounds, and unite and fight the fanatics and those that support their actions. It is they, who are the real enemy of America - Terrorists and terrorism and let's not forget to remember the false Friends that America has generated. Those that are totally ungrateful that without our help, they would have no country to call their own. France hardly misses an opportunity to stab us in the back, and was given back to them by American Blood not once, but TWICE in the last century!

If other nations want our aid, they must swear a binding oath in which they promise to do whatever we tell them to, be properly grateful, and to love us forever. Because it is terrorists and ingrates who are the real enemy of America--so France, next time you're invaded by Germany, well, we're helping the Nazis!

Foreign and sometimes domestic Islamic "Fanatics" teach their followers that ALL Americans are "Infidels" (Unless you happen to be an American of Islamic Faith that is...) and we and our American culture is the work of the Devil, and killing us is not a sin. [snip] This terrible divisive influence on our American Culture has to be brought to light, and addressed, before the cost gets too great to pay. Freedom of religion does not give a Zealot the right to infringe on others beliefs.

The APFTE believes that No group of Americans should promote hatred towards another group of Americans.

You know, we're glad to hear you say that, APFTE, because we know of a Zealot who promotes hatred towards another group of Americans, feels that everyone who doesn't believe the way she does is an infidel (or "traitor"), and who believes that killing us is not a sin. Yes, she even said "My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to the New York Times Building." And it was her link that brought us to your page, APFTE. Maybe you should stop linking back to her site, since you're all about unity and love and stuff.

And for our last journey into the weird, bizarre, and unbalanced world of Ann's friends, we stop off at WorldNetDaily ("A Free Press for a Stupid People"), which Ann lists as a news source. It's top story today:

Ex-welfare queen exposes 'Uncle Sam's Plantation'

It's about Star Parker (one of the mentors to the Karl Rovenkinder at Club 100), who has written a book blowing the lid off welfare, which "seems to keep the poor enslaved to poverty while the rich get richer." We can believe what Star is telling us about how state-sponsored plans harm the poor, because she used to be a lying, cheating crack 'ho! Here's her story:

Once caught up in the miserable world of welfare fraud, sex, drugs and abortion, she underwent what many have called a miraculous transformation into what she is today – one of America's leading advocates for true, faith-based success and empowerment of the nation's poor.

She recommends "personal initiative, faith, and responsibility," as a way for the underclass to "release the hold poverty holds over their lives." And since her plan will allow the Bush tax-cuts to stay in place by doing away with all that money we currenly waste on social programs, WorldNetDaily is all for it! I'm sure it will work for everybody else as well as it worked for Star, and anybody who isn't well-off after reading her book just isn't trying, and so doesn't deserve any help.

WorldNetDaily also gives us Barbara Simpson, "The Babe in the Bunker" (okay, so she's got a little more meat on her bones than Ann Coulter, but I'd hardly compare her to the beloved animatronic movie pig). Today she gives us the thought piece, "Liberals Love Limbaugh's Pain." Her thesis is that liberals (whom she defines in her article as "Democrats") were so angry about Schwarzenegger being elected governor (even though said Democrats are all "celebrity whores", and so were actually glad that he won), that they are now dancing in the streets upon learning that Rush is a drug addict. Well, not a DRUG ADDICT, but just someone who's addicted to drugs. Barbara says that Rush confessed all, and asked for support and prayers.

So what does he get from the liberal media? Attacks. There's no sympathy for his medical ordeals. He's equated with street junkies and his addiction is compared to that of a guy in the alley mainlining heroin. Yes, chemically, street drugs and prescription drugs are similar and yes, the effect of opiates on the body may be the same, but liberals just miss the point. Lots of points.

The points are several of the items from my handy "Being There for Rush" list for pundits (see Saturday's entry), but chiefly the "Rush only got addicted to opiates because he used them for his PAIN, unlike the street junkie who sought out opiates for his pain one. Then Barbara delivers this stinging rebuke:

The same people who have compassion for the dregs of humanity on the street and for animals and insects cannot find an ounce of compassion for Rush. And we know why.

Because they just like animals and insects better than Rush.

And speaking of WorldNetDaily and being understanding of others, we loved yesterday's top story:

Cross-Dressing Wiccan Official Sparks Christian Mission Probe

A Christian mission serving homeless people since 1939 is under investigation for discrimination because its walls are adorned with crosses and other religious imagery. The probe was prompted by a city fair-housing investigator, who also happens to be a cross-dressing Wiccan.

See, this West Virgininian cross-dressing Wiccan did his investigation and now Charleston's Human Relations Commission is looking at the mission:

The commission voted last month to scrutinize the mission's policies, which include barring drugs and alcohol and not allowing unmarried couples to sleep in the same room. The panel, which enforces the state's fair-housing laws, is looking at allegations the mission discriminates according to religion and gender. The accusations include requiring people seeking help to reveal their spiritual beliefs, serving non-Christians in facilities with Christian imagery and making married men spend two nights under "observation" in the men's dorm before joining their spouse in the family dorm, the Daily Mail said.

The mission could wait and see what the Commission's final findings and recommendations are, and then either change their policies or stop taking Federal funds. But instead they're suing to stop the probe, which their lawyer says seeks to "put a cork in the First Ammendment rights" of their pastor. The lawyer asks, "How would you like them to come into your church and tear the cross down?"

Well, since my church doesn't have a cross, I guess it would be just okay. But what I'm interested in is how WorldNetDaily (and the Pulitzer-winning Charleston Daily Mail, which is where WorldNet got their info), knew that the inspector was a cross-dressing Wiccan.

Apparently, the first clue was that he filed his report, because "Nobody, unless they had an agenda, would do this," claims the lawyer. Well, maybe a Fair Housing inspector would, if that was his job.

But somebody did a web search and found that the investigator had a website. And on that site was a piece he had written "which criticizes religious institutions for creating a culture that punishes non-traditional definitions of masculinity and femininity." Um, okay--he's a Wiccan, all right.

But how did his cross-dressing come to light? Per WorldNetDaily, "The Daily Mail said Napier occasionally dresses in women's clothes and performs as a drag queen under the stage name Miss Ilene Over." So, I guess somebody from the mission must have caught Ilene's act -- while ministering to the homeless, of couse. We await further stories about the dangers posed by cross-dressing Wiccans, and urge all of you to be on the lookout for Badly-Dressed Atheists.

So, Ann's neighborhood. A scary place to visit, but we wouldn't want to live there.

Tune in tomorrow when we infiltrate Consertative Matchmaker.com, EHarmony.com, and National Review for Kids. If YAF hasn't terminated us by then. . .