Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Happy Birthday, Mary C! By Bill S!

Today, we wish a Very Happy Birthday  to MaryC, a Special Lady (And a Very Exciting Girl), who deserves a Very Special Gift. So, once again I turn, as I did in years past, to that every reliable source for the best prezzies, Carol Wright Gifts.   Let's shop around, shall we?

INFLATABLE SALAD BAR (only $19.99) "Quick and easy Entertaining...Simply inflate, fill with ice...and enjoy!"
The perfect thing for those hot summer days when you're hungry but don't feel like getting out of the pool.

PILLOW PETS (Why pay $25.00? Only $19.99) "As seen on TV...This huggable stuffed animal opens to a soft chenille pillow when you unfasten its tummy"
Let's see a LIVE pet do that! And it's a much better gift than Pilowpants, that's for sure.

CELEBRATE THE ROYAL WEDDING! "Share in one of the most anticipated weddings of the century between Prince William and Kate Middleton with the Royal Heirloom Ring -- the same engagement ring Princess Diana wore! This limited edition replica glitters with a simulated Ceylon sapphire (3 carats) surrounded by fourteen brilliant, simulated diamonds (1.26 carats) and is layered in sterling silver. Includes certificate of authenticity and a velveteen box" ($19.99)
A certificate of authenticity to verify that it is, indeed, a cheap knockoff? Well, I suppose it would come in handy if you're visiting the Royal Family and don't want to be mistaken for a thief.

THE 30-SECOND "HAIR TRANSPLANT" (Why pay $66.00? Only $19.99) "Simply shake TOPPIK (TM) over your thinning hair and thousands of tiny color-matched fibers (made of the same Keratin protein as your own hair) will bond to your hair for a natural-looking thickness and fullness until you shampoo it out"
or until it rains, or you begin to sweat.
"Specify color on order: black, dark brown, medium brown, light brown or grey."
So, if you're a blonde or a redhead, I guess you're screwed...but if you're so desperate to hide the fact that you're balding that you're willing to use this product, I guess you're screwed anyway.

FLATTERING BATIK DRESS (As low as $19.99) 
Flattering, perhaps, but on whom? They look like something Mrs. Roper might wear to do her gardening.

LADIES CROSS WATCH (Only $9.99)
It's a cross between something gaudy & ugly, and something impractical & uncomfortable.

GIGGLING HAPPY PILL "Squeeze your Giggling Happy Pill when you need a lift! This happy pill 'Plush' proves laughter is truly the best medicine. Use as often as needed! Ages 3+."
Because what three year old DOESN'T want to play with a plushy amphetamine?
"Plush bursts with uncontrollable laughter!"
As will you, when you see what this squeeze toy looks like.
"Louis B. Mayer gave me to Judy Garland, instead of a Teddy Bear!"
"Squeeze me, and I release thousands of tiny time pills -- of madness!"

(Only $7.00) Is that all? I think we have a winner!

Happy Birthday, Mary! Hope the day's Extra Super Special!
-Bill S

20 comments:

Chris Vosburg said...

A very happy birthday to you, Mary, and many many more.

Bill, you're hittin' your stride, man; it's one of your funniest.

And Dodger fans: SIX DAYS!

Anonymous said...

Happy, Happy Birthday, Mary C.! I wish for you, Scott, Riley and Moondoggie many happy, healthy, peaceful years. Go for broke this year and get BOTH the Inflatable Salad Bar plus the BIGGEST Ice Cream Cake Baskin Robbins makes!

Nadine said...

Geez, my brain is sleeping early tonight! The previous greeting of love and ice cream is from me...

~The Minx~

Doc Logan said...

Happy birthday, MaryC! Inflatable salad for everyone!

Weird Dave said...

Happy Natal Anniversary Ms. C.

Oh, and FWIW, I believe Mr. Happy Pill is a Tuinal (now why would I know that?).

Stacia said...

Happy birthday Mary C!

Helpful birthday tip: When watching reruns of The Carol Burnett Show, look closely at the back of Harvey Korman's head. He's wearing the same spray-on hair that Carol Wright Gifts offers! For only $19.99!

Carl said...

*sigh*

*tearing up patent application for Pillow Cacti*

Dammit.

Happy birthday, MaryC

Chris Vosburg said...

Noooooooooooooooo!

Don't give up, Carl, I think a cactus pillow is a brilliant idea. Dream large, man, dream large.

Chris Vosburg said...

Another ChrisV long-winded off-topic story comin' up, this one about cactus.

In boarding school on Catalina Island, I did a lot of long distance running for sport, which means running up and down the ridges of the hills the island is made of, and one day, I lost my footing and skidded ass-first into a cactus patch, with predictable results.

The school had an infirmary and murse, and I staggered in bowlegged and in pain, and was made to strip and lie face down so the nurse could pull the hundreds of cactus spines out of my backside.

Forceps in hand, she walked over and said:

"Oh, what a cute little butt you've got."

I think my butt blushed.

maryclev said...

Thanks for all the birthday wishes, guys! You make turning 48 a little more bearable.

Except for ChrisV. Your story is the perfect analogy to turning 48: A huge pain in the butt, partnered with humiliation at the ravages age wreaks upon our bodies.

Thank you, Chris, for making me laugh and weep about aging...again!

Chris Vosburg said...

Could be worse, Mary.

--ChrisV (age 58)

Anonymous said...

48! Whippersnapper !
A very Happy Birthday to you, dear Mary.I hope those rich brats you try to educate gave you at least a handmade card. I used to love getting those and would drop the most heavy-handed "hints" for days beforehand.
I have changed my hunk allegiance, I'm afraid. No more N Fillion for me.I have just discovered David Boreanaz - but only as Booth on Bones. I missed his earlier stuff and don't regret it. Then, he was really trying to be a sex symbol, now he just is.I fancy him like crazy and recommend him for your earnest attention.
Putting hunks aside for a mo, have a lovely day and year and thanks for looking out for Scott, Riley and Moondoggie for us. Hugs.
Suezboo

M. Bouffant said...

Late again, but many many happy happy & I hope the new school gig (Or was it new last yr.? All a blur as one ages.) is going well. Or tolerably, at least.

48? Never gave it much thought, but somehow I thought y'all were a younger. A poor attitude keeps one young, I s'pose.

P.S.: 59 & a half. I win!

M. Bouffant said...

Bonus: Only song I know w/ "Tuinals" in it. During the spoken part in the middle (3:42)ish, for those of you who don't like showtunes.

Also it has baseball.

Anonymous said...

Mary, save me from myself. Apparently I have landed in a deep hive of teenage geeks and panting fangrrls by becoming by becoming a DB fan. Aaaaargh. YouTube is a dangerous place.
Suezboo

Chris Vosburg said...

Greetings from Hollywood. Castle is one of the productions that the company I work for provides video and computer equipment for, and Suezboo, I told Nathan on set yesterday that you'd quite gone off him.

He was inconsolable, and wouldn't come out of his dressing room for the remainder of the afternoon.

Anonymous said...

This is all Mary's fault, Chris.She showed me pix of NF naked and I fell in lust. I have never actually seen him act in Castle or anything else.
On the other hand, I have watched seasons 1-6 of Bones and am totes besotted.I need seasons 7 & 8 just as badly as those damp-pantied teens and can't get hold of them. Sob.
Suezboo

Li'l Innocent said...

I win the Lateness Award,yay! A truckload of 3-day-old good wishes, Mary! Also, 48 is not old. Take it from me, Birthday Girl, and I do mean Girl. It's a nifty age. But, then, nifty people make any age when they hang their hat, nifty. If that's a sentence.

Suezboo, if you haven't already noticed it, DB is also listed as a co-producer of Bones, along with Emily Deschanel and the RL creator of these characters, forensic anthropologist and novelist Kathy Reichs.

You and the damp-panties brigade have good taste.



Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Late to the party as always, but I hope that you liked the cards! Prezzies to follow when I've got the postage... Happy happy joy joy, m'love!

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

P.S. Bill? Can you find ME some of those "happy pills," the ORIGINALS, not the plushy knock-offs...