Monday, August 12, 2013
Happy Birthday, Mental Flies!
And on a day when we're remembering old friends (please see post below), it seems particularly appropriate to pause for a moment and deliver our best wishes to veteran bloggist, Mentis Fugit (also our thanks to Anntichrist S. Coulter for the timely reminder).
Happy birthday, Mentis! I had trouble figuring out what to get you, then it finally hit me: a glamour shot of Lillian Roth and Francis Dee as mermaids, because there is never a situation in which that is not appropriate.
The Wit 'N' Wisdom O' Doghouse Riley
As mentioned here, we've been slowly reconstructing what little of our archives survived the Great Hack Attack of 2010, and this weekend I went back through some of those old posts and grabbed a random sampling of bon mots and pensées from our friend, the late, great Douglas M. Case, better known around here as Doghouse Riley:
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Jesus, think what these people would be like without the humanizing effect of Christianity.
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Max Boot: Bob Novak without the good sources.
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On Jonah Goldberg: Let’s imagine for a moment that instead of being a professional load, Jonah were a trumpeter. Could anyone then explain how he’d been releasing albums for over ten years without ever hitting a single note?
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If attending church only at Easter raises questions about the validity of one’s faith it’s time for the Janice Shaw Crouses to acknowledge that this country is 20% Christian, tops. And if we throw in people whose parents were insufficiently rigorous in their church attendance it’s probably more like 15%. Goddam vocal minorities, always clamoring for special treatment.
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What, really, is to be done about the Cornerites? Apart from Derb and KLo–unless I’m forgetting somebody–they’re probably all something less than certifiable, but I’ll be goddamed if there’s a one of them who, were he my roommate, wouldn’t cause me to hide all the medicines and cutlery.
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Look at [Mike Adams'] cv, fer chrissakes: associate’s degree from San Jacinto College, BA and masters from Mississippi State (Motto: Our Degrees Are Now Recognized In Alabama!), all in Applied Time Wasting psychology, doctorate in criminology, chair in criminology at a community college where he spends his time arguing with student groups and conducting strategy sessions with the Young Republicans’ Magnifying Glass Club out at the big anthill every sunny afternoon. Anything, I suppose, to avoid going home while the wife is awake. It positively screams “If I’d caught a few breaks I could have been Jeffrey Dahmer”, don’t it?
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“Postive expectation” is a measure of a bet’s ratio to the total pot multiplied by the odds of winning. So if you’re facing a $10 raise for a $20 pot, and your expectation of winning is even, you’d make the bet because you win $20 half the time and lose only $10 the other half. Of course, for every positive expectation there’s an equal and opposite negative expectation, and that doesn’t count your ability to estimate the chances of winning, or the rake, but then I’ve never yet met a(n amateur) gambler who didn’t tell you how much in won in Vegas while leaving out what he spent to get it. It’s the triumph of hope over mathematics, which is why schools hold bake sales and bookies don’t.
Last year, if memory serves, I counted three creches in my survey of fifty churches, and two of those were on private property I passed along the way.
Survey takers should note the presence of light-up Magi, signifying textual illiteracy over and above the couldn’t-possibly-have-happened-that-way Nativity tale, and (I’m assuming this applies only to private displays) the presence of Santy, red-bulb-nosed reindeer, or other concurrent Christmas kitsch in the same display.
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The career of Pat Boone is more interesting than that. Okay, not interesting–maybe curious is the right word. He had an eight-year career followed by a forty-five year non-career, which must be some sort of record. When the whole “Teen idol/way for white Christians to dig race records” thing was killed by the British invasion (justifiable homicide) he just switched to being a professional Christian. Genius, really, no matter who’s actually behind it; after all, we aren’t talking about Bobby Rydell these days.
Then he managed to become the only celebrity endorser in the long and storied history of snake oil sales in this country to actually get sued and lose, and he blamed the company without bothering to mention he owned it. Way ahead of his time.
So now he’s writing cranky Letters to the Editor in his dotage, and we’re really left to ask if that’s the real Pat, or if we’ve been treated to the longest case of incipient Norma Desmonditis ever.
Apologies for interrupting that endless Davey and Goliath tape loop in your head, sir, but I thought you should be made aware of the fact that while it’s possible to pull off such an illustrious campaign as yours against Wal*Mart, the reason is they don’t give a shit about anything except sales, and Wal*Mart is particularly vulnerable to the inbred mouth-breather demo that is Fox News stock in trade. (You’ll forgive the rough language, sir, but it is wartime.)
The parochial school movement is 150 years old. It didn’t come about because atheistswere oppressing Catholics, and it sure didn’t come about because Protestants gladly shared tax money with schools featuring other religious doctrines. Pushing Jesus into the political debate assured one thing: that one day the Savior was going to lose His majority.
Right. This one’ll be on an aircraft carrier, and it’ll come at the beginning instead of the end.
We need to appreciate Jonah for what he is: a paragon of wingnut educational impulses dating to the early 60s. It’s not just that he’s remarkably lazy; it’s that this laziness is completely in the service of that transplanted Soviet Heroic school of history, public affairs, and the Arts which produces nothing but so infects our public discourse that our school history texts are one-third bunkum and half omission. Seriously. It’s enough for Jonah that he can recap the pro-Vietnam war arguments he was drilled on as a child for him to claim to be offering us lessons from History. Odds are good he’ll deliver an obsequy or two to the well-respected Martin in the next few days, but he has less understanding of the Civil Rights Movement than you could teach a parrot. Everything’s a moral outrage because that’s the single, unfletched arrow in his quiver, unless you count that light sabre with the dead AAAs.
If I had demonstrated at 13 the sort of unrestrained ignorance of WWII, or the Great Depression (both further from me than the 60s, let alone the 80s, are from Jonah) that the muddle-aged Goldberg does about events in his recent past I’d have flunked out of junior high.
I’m 53, older than most of those people. I still had a learner’s permit when the 60s ended. For a lot of them the era of “Boomer” political and social upheaval (mostly led and achieved by non-Boomers) is merely the era of Freely Pooping in your Drawers, and they’ve displayed precious little interest in getting the history right since then. Their exposure to The Left amounts to watching Charlie’s Angels first-run and having long-haired dope smokers steal their lunch money.
David Brooks (born 1961) touts his Road to Damascus moment at regular intervals, but is there really any doubt he was Alex Keaton, not Alex Chilton?
Correct me if I’m wrong–I was educated in a previous century–but shouldn’t someone who “specializes” in Christian worldview be, like, aware, if not fully conversant, with the fact that something on the order of 50% of Christians in this country would strongly dispute that characterization of gender roles? I mean, you’re a specialist. You should acquire the basic knowledge before moving on. If I’m riding an elevator with a plastic surgeon and I have a heart attack, I hope he’d start CPR, not an emergency liposuction.
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Jesus, think what these people would be like without the humanizing effect of Christianity.
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Max Boot: Bob Novak without the good sources.
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On Jonah Goldberg: Let’s imagine for a moment that instead of being a professional load, Jonah were a trumpeter. Could anyone then explain how he’d been releasing albums for over ten years without ever hitting a single note?
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If attending church only at Easter raises questions about the validity of one’s faith it’s time for the Janice Shaw Crouses to acknowledge that this country is 20% Christian, tops. And if we throw in people whose parents were insufficiently rigorous in their church attendance it’s probably more like 15%. Goddam vocal minorities, always clamoring for special treatment.
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What, really, is to be done about the Cornerites? Apart from Derb and KLo–unless I’m forgetting somebody–they’re probably all something less than certifiable, but I’ll be goddamed if there’s a one of them who, were he my roommate, wouldn’t cause me to hide all the medicines and cutlery.
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Look at [Mike Adams'] cv, fer chrissakes: associate’s degree from San Jacinto College, BA and masters from Mississippi State (Motto: Our Degrees Are Now Recognized In Alabama!), all in Applied Time Wasting psychology, doctorate in criminology, chair in criminology at a community college where he spends his time arguing with student groups and conducting strategy sessions with the Young Republicans’ Magnifying Glass Club out at the big anthill every sunny afternoon. Anything, I suppose, to avoid going home while the wife is awake. It positively screams “If I’d caught a few breaks I could have been Jeffrey Dahmer”, don’t it?
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“Postive expectation” is a measure of a bet’s ratio to the total pot multiplied by the odds of winning. So if you’re facing a $10 raise for a $20 pot, and your expectation of winning is even, you’d make the bet because you win $20 half the time and lose only $10 the other half. Of course, for every positive expectation there’s an equal and opposite negative expectation, and that doesn’t count your ability to estimate the chances of winning, or the rake, but then I’ve never yet met a(n amateur) gambler who didn’t tell you how much in won in Vegas while leaving out what he spent to get it. It’s the triumph of hope over mathematics, which is why schools hold bake sales and bookies don’t.
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On Michael Reagan: Like adoptive father, like son, I guess. Just as Ronnie fearlessly imagined that trees caused pollution and “only a theory” was some sort of put-down of Darwinism, so does Michael rise to defend a language he knows nothing about. English is the greatest borrowing language on earth. Over half our common words come from somewhere other than Anglo-Saxon. If you put ketchup on the fried potatoes you eat on your sofa while watching sports, and at the half you take the scraps to the garbage, you might say a quick word of thanks to, respectively, the Chinese, Haitians, Arabians, Normans, Frisians, Old Norse, and Italians, and for that matter to the Dutch and Germans for quick, word, and thanks. It’s hardly surprising that it’s people like Reagan, who want no part of integrating Hispanic-speakers into the culture, who complain about language skills. And for my money, the biggest threat English faces these days is idiots who give no thought to our cherished notions of accuracy.
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Nothin’ beats the smell of cynical faux-capitulation to an artificial groundswell of manufactured opinion first thing in the morning, does it?
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I do invite everyone to join this year in the Third Annual Informal Audit of Church Nativity Scenes, which tallies occurances of the sacred relic which is so goddam crucial to proper observance of the holiest day on the Christian calendar they can demand tax monies be spent to rub other peoples’ noses in it, but don’t bother actually putting the damn things up ourselves.
Last year, if memory serves, I counted three creches in my survey of fifty churches, and two of those were on private property I passed along the way.
Survey takers should note the presence of light-up Magi, signifying textual illiteracy over and above the couldn’t-possibly-have-happened-that-way Nativity tale, and (I’m assuming this applies only to private displays) the presence of Santy, red-bulb-nosed reindeer, or other concurrent Christmas kitsch in the same display.
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The career of Pat Boone is more interesting than that. Okay, not interesting–maybe curious is the right word. He had an eight-year career followed by a forty-five year non-career, which must be some sort of record. When the whole “Teen idol/way for white Christians to dig race records” thing was killed by the British invasion (justifiable homicide) he just switched to being a professional Christian. Genius, really, no matter who’s actually behind it; after all, we aren’t talking about Bobby Rydell these days.
Then he managed to become the only celebrity endorser in the long and storied history of snake oil sales in this country to actually get sued and lose, and he blamed the company without bothering to mention he owned it. Way ahead of his time.
And then came Heavy Metal Pat, which was a pretty good joke for about thirty seconds, and goofy rather than annoying after that, until the flock turned on him for that leather jumpsuit, after which, instead of saying, “Fuck you if you can’t take a joke,” he caved,which made the whole thing utterly inexplicable. But Pat knew his audience, and he knew it wasn’t metal. (Interesting that Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggert were granted more leeway than Pat.)
So now he’s writing cranky Letters to the Editor in his dotage, and we’re really left to ask if that’s the real Pat, or if we’ve been treated to the longest case of incipient Norma Desmonditis ever.
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[on the subject of the Save Christmas in Massachusetts guys, who once proudly trolled our comment threads]
Generalissimo Marley,Apologies for interrupting that endless Davey and Goliath tape loop in your head, sir, but I thought you should be made aware of the fact that while it’s possible to pull off such an illustrious campaign as yours against Wal*Mart, the reason is they don’t give a shit about anything except sales, and Wal*Mart is particularly vulnerable to the inbred mouth-breather demo that is Fox News stock in trade. (You’ll forgive the rough language, sir, but it is wartime.)
Before attacking the education establishment, sir, you might want to consider that it will be fairly clear to the enemy that the Generalissimo and his troops have never had any use for its products, rendering a boycott useless.
It’s Catch-22 for these people. If they were savvy enough to realize how poorly they’ve been led for 25 years they’d be smart enough not to be fundies, or at least to drop their foolish, smell-my-farts, read-my-commandments agenda. God knows, you should pardon the expression, there’s at least as much pent-up acrimony among our 2000 Protestant sects as between Christians and pagans. More, no doubt, since their differences are fueled by metaphysical certainties, while most pagans happily live and let live with Christianity when it’s not trying to muscle everyone else aside.
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The parochial school movement is 150 years old. It didn’t come about because atheistswere oppressing Catholics, and it sure didn’t come about because Protestants gladly shared tax money with schools featuring other religious doctrines. Pushing Jesus into the political debate assured one thing: that one day the Savior was going to lose His majority.
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Bush declared last night that “victory will not look like the ones our fathers and grandfathers achieved. There will be no surrender ceremony on the deck of a battleship”
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Y’know, I’ve set aside a jar of formaldehyde on the off chance I’ll live long enough to see his brain offered on eBay.We need to appreciate Jonah for what he is: a paragon of wingnut educational impulses dating to the early 60s. It’s not just that he’s remarkably lazy; it’s that this laziness is completely in the service of that transplanted Soviet Heroic school of history, public affairs, and the Arts which produces nothing but so infects our public discourse that our school history texts are one-third bunkum and half omission. Seriously. It’s enough for Jonah that he can recap the pro-Vietnam war arguments he was drilled on as a child for him to claim to be offering us lessons from History. Odds are good he’ll deliver an obsequy or two to the well-respected Martin in the next few days, but he has less understanding of the Civil Rights Movement than you could teach a parrot. Everything’s a moral outrage because that’s the single, unfletched arrow in his quiver, unless you count that light sabre with the dead AAAs.
If I had demonstrated at 13 the sort of unrestrained ignorance of WWII, or the Great Depression (both further from me than the 60s, let alone the 80s, are from Jonah) that the muddle-aged Goldberg does about events in his recent past I’d have flunked out of junior high.
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Oh, to have been inspired by such a professor in my own sad student days, one who realized “that Mein Kampf was an example of propaganda that relied on logical fallacies”! All they ever told me about was Hitler’s mediocre footnoting.
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I’m gonna have to finagle a promotional copy of this thing ["Why I Turned Right: Leading Baby Boom Conservatives Chronicle Their Political Journeys"]. It’s just about my favorite topic in American political life–not “how” these people “became” “conservative”, but how the old 60s and 70s itinerant church-basement speaker (“I used to be a hippie/drug dealer/Satanist”) routine morphed directly into this idiocy and remained saleable.I’m 53, older than most of those people. I still had a learner’s permit when the 60s ended. For a lot of them the era of “Boomer” political and social upheaval (mostly led and achieved by non-Boomers) is merely the era of Freely Pooping in your Drawers, and they’ve displayed precious little interest in getting the history right since then. Their exposure to The Left amounts to watching Charlie’s Angels first-run and having long-haired dope smokers steal their lunch money.
David Brooks (born 1961) touts his Road to Damascus moment at regular intervals, but is there really any doubt he was Alex Keaton, not Alex Chilton?
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Y’know, every comment I leave here anymore winds up in moderation. And I never use scatological language or imagery, so it really blows donkeys.
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Sunday, August 11, 2013
Sundays With S.Z.: Turn Your Crank to Swank!
Our weekly look back at some of the weird, wild, and wonderful posts written by Internet snark pioneer and World O' Crap founder s.z.
Originally published October 26, 2006.
But Pastor Swank does ask a good question:
Scott adds: While I may disagree with the pastor's ideas, I do admire the tidiness of his prose. How does he manage to achieve this taut, clean voice while churning out five or six columns per day? Happily, he's been good enough to walk us through his personal Elements of Style:
Posted by s.z. on Thursday, October 26th, 2006 at 6:18 pm.
Originally published October 26, 2006.
Happy Halloween From Pastor Swank
I’m dressing up like a homo nup for Halloween this year — THAT should scare a lot of people!It’s Halloween Horror if Dems Win
It’s going to be horrific if Dems get control of government. In fact, there are no words to describe how horrible it will be to live in America if the irreligious Dems gain the driver’s seat.
Dems are anti-God, anti-family, anti-morality, anti-Judeo-Christian heritage, anti-unborn children, anti-decency, anti-reason. They are, in short, basically demonic.Yes, we are. And when we win back the Senate and the House, we are going to have wild orgies in the Capitol, and we won’t invite you. We are also going to eat your babies, marry your sons (unless we are female, in which case we will marry your daughters and/or box turtles), and force you to listen to that HeadOn commercial nonstop for hours. That’s just how evil we are.
But Pastor Swank does ask a good question:
Where is the sterling Republican leadership in Congress? It’s not.
Um, okay, he doesn’t answer that question coherently, but it is a good one.
Anyway, he concedes that the Republicans haven’t done that great of a job since they took power, but hey, at least they have the grace to be hypocrites, and so are better than the alternative.
Anyway, he concedes that the Republicans haven’t done that great of a job since they took power, but hey, at least they have the grace to be hypocrites, and so are better than the alternative.
However, the alternative re: moving for Dems is to stash the nation near hell’s lip. Certainly anyone in his right mind and clean heart would not want to live one day in that climate. Yet that could happen. In a few days, the US will know.
So, if the Dems do win, I guess Pastor Swank will move to somewhere father away from hell’s lip — but not Canada, since that’s Hell’s eyebrow, nor Mexico, which is Hell’s kneecap.
Seriously, I don’t know where the Pastor would be happy — anybody have any ideas?
Seriously, I don’t know where the Pastor would be happy — anybody have any ideas?
This nation is in an extremely sorry state. Sorry sorry state. If there are any out there with prayer faith, let them act on it for there is little else to turn to.
Illegals mount higher.Maybe it’s just because I’ve been focused on the dogs this week, but to me the Pastor’s last line conjures up some interesting imagery.
Iraq wallows in more blood fountains.
And those blood fountains weren’t built for wallowing, Iraqis! Just take a brief dip in the blood, and then move on.
Those are two major items that blemish the Republican program. Illegals who are blatantly just plain not legal have been defended by President Bush.
Illegals who are blatantly just plain not legal are the worst kind of illegals!
Iraq is President Bush’s last ditch doctrine for “staying the course.” Both of these conclusions by President Bush are not right.
Nothing that is illegal should be tolerated by anyone in the US, particularly the President.
Um, Pastor Swank, didn’t the wiretapping, torture, and detention without trial teach you that the President can declare ANYTHING legal, and then it’s not illegal anymore?
And as far as Iraq is concerned, Islamic theology should have been studied prior to Operation Iraqi Freedom. If it had been studied, Islam would have been revealed as a killing and maiming cult, not a “religion of peace.”And then we would have never taken than harpy Ann Coulter’s advice, and we would instead have just nuked the whole Middle East. And so now we wouldn’t be wallowing in this blood fountain quagmire, just because we didn’t know that all Muslims are Satan’s action figures.
Nuts. Nuts for sure.
Yet for the Dems to attempt to rescue this confusion is only a deep slide into The Pit.
Yeah, we’re totally screwed, no matter who wins the election. Happy Halloween, kids!
Scott adds: While I may disagree with the pastor's ideas, I do admire the tidiness of his prose. How does he manage to achieve this taut, clean voice while churning out five or six columns per day? Happily, he's been good enough to walk us through his personal Elements of Style:
God help us. Republicans were cowardly to the nth degree in that last Congress. Cowardly, actually, is too kind a term. But for the sake of not wanting to get verbally messy, let’s stay with “cowardly.”You got it, Pastor Strunk.
Posted by s.z. on Thursday, October 26th, 2006 at 6:18 pm.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The "Guess What? Chicken Butt" Edition
MOONDOGGIE: Huh? What?
MOONDOGGIE: No, c'mon, cut that out! That is so gross...!
Friday, August 9, 2013
And After Breakfast, I Will EAT YOUR SOUL!
Sorry about this...
Really, really sorry. I'm just having one of those days, and only Krinkles (sorry, Kuh-RINK-els!) the Clown, with his squinting, pitiless gaze, his spastic blinking, and his expressions of joy which veer suddenly and horribly into facial tics, can properly express my feelings.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Opportunity Knocked, And It Was An Hairy Man Dressed Like Mary Poppins
Ken Myers cold-called my email yesterday, with an offer that was simply too good to pass up:
"As a preternatural child care expert with the psychic ability to anticipate doorbells and phone calls, I can sense government surveillance, which is why I never discuss sensitive information in the house, because I'm pretty sure the NSA is eavesdropping on the baby monitor..."
Um...Hello.
...because while it may seem fine at first, eventually it'll develop free will, buy an after-market penis, and sleep with your granddaughter.
Anyway, Twitter can only tell us so much (unless Ken has a Carlos Danger-esque alter ego and an interesting Flickr account), so let's check out LinkedIn:
To my embarrassment, I've never heard of "Upper Iowa University," but then most people don't recognize my degree from "Upper Volta University," especially since they changed the name to Burkina Faso.
Anyway, I'm sure Upper I (Go Fightin' Pronouns!) well prepared Ken for his previous position at CollegeDegrees.com, which appears to be some sort of clearing house for online diploma mills that are totally unlike the completely legitimate UIU (if their school song isn't a Xena-like ululation, they're missing a good cross-promotional merchandising opportunity).
Nanny Business Owner Available for Interviews & Editorial CommentsAnd now, as promised, a Special Comment by Phoebe Figalilly on NSA datamining...
Hello Scott,
Um...Hello.
My name is Ken Myers and I am a leader in the nanny industry."Which ought to be enough to tell you I'm a ruthless s.o.b. who should not be fucked with! I climbed over the bloody, beaten corpses of Giles French, Maria von Trapp, Nanny McPhee, and Charles in Charge to reach the pinnacle of Nannydom, and I will cut the next Inverness cape-wearing bitch who questions my authority!"
Our network of nanny sites includes eNannySource.com, GoNannies.com, and NannyPro.com.Also WithAHeyNannyNannyAndAHotChaCha.xxx.
Combined we have over 1.5 million caregivers and family members (and growing).Granted, some of that growth is due to our customers impregnating our caregivers, but when your client list includes Jude Law and Robin Williams, you've just got to budget for that kind of thing.
I just wanted to introduce myself and let you know that if you ever need an industry expert for an interview or quote I would be interested in helping.I appreciate the offer, Ken, but World O' Crap is pretty exacting when it comes to our standards for dry nurse-related expert commentary, so I hope you won't mind if I check your bona fides. First, let's visit your Twitter profile, which you kindly linked in the email:
As a Christian, father, husband, and entrepreneur, I have combined my passion for helping families find nannies with technology to build a really fun business!I don't know what sort of technology Ken brings to child care, but I really hope it doesn't include the robotic Robin Williams nanny from Bicentennial Man...
Anyway, Twitter can only tell us so much (unless Ken has a Carlos Danger-esque alter ego and an interesting Flickr account), so let's check out LinkedIn:
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| Education |
To my embarrassment, I've never heard of "Upper Iowa University," but then most people don't recognize my degree from "Upper Volta University," especially since they changed the name to Burkina Faso.
Anyway, I'm sure Upper I (Go Fightin' Pronouns!) well prepared Ken for his previous position at CollegeDegrees.com, which appears to be some sort of clearing house for online diploma mills that are totally unlike the completely legitimate UIU (if their school song isn't a Xena-like ululation, they're missing a good cross-promotional merchandising opportunity).
CMN.com seems to be a fake Consumer Reports that pretends to offer disinterested advice to people looking for insurance, internet services, or computer dating, before funneling them to sites like...CollegeDegrees.com. WhiteFence is a more impressive credit, however, since they're easily the oldest established street gang in East L.A. (I assume Ken was "jumped out" when he stopped spray-painting the gang's familiar XIII symbol around town, and began tagging everything with the Ichthys.)
Back to the email pitch:
It's very important to me to provide accurate information about our industry and to keep innovating as we find new and better ways to match caregivers with families across the U.S. and around the World.Among our latest innovations, we've ceased to hire trolls as nannies, since our state of the art metrics show they are 37% more likely to steal an unbaptized baby and replace it with an enchanted piece of wood.
You can read more about me @KenneyMyers or you can communicate with me via email or give me a call if that works better for you.You seem like an earnest, sincere, if unsolicited guy, Ken, so it pains me to tell you that what works best for me is publishing your spam email on my obscure blog and treating it with indecorous levity. But if I ever have kids and find myself in need of reliable, unbiased advice on child care, I will definitely consider seeking it from a shadowy man who claims to secretly control the national nanny industry much as John Gotti once controlled cement contracting in the Tri-State area.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Ted Nugent Proves Love Not Necessary Ingredient For Love Child
Note From World O' Crap Headquarters: The following article was submitted anonymously. The author is known to the Wo'C Editorial Staff, but wishes to be identified to you, the blabber-mouthed public, only as "Wally."
Loving Parents — and Armed Patrols — Make Safe Neighborhoods. By Ted Nugent
“Ward, why is Lumpy tied to the dining room table with his boxers down? I have the girls from Chamber of Commerce over for lunch and canasta this afternoon!”
“June, please see if we don't have better flashlight batteries. I'm probing, engaging and examining this young man.”
“Don't worry Lumpy. Come see me after Ward is finished with his scrutinizing. I have fresh chocolate chip cookies for you.”
Loving Parents — and Armed Patrols — Make Safe Neighborhoods. By Ted Nugent
Loving, caring parents who want to know what our kids are up to need to constantly probe, engage, examine and scrutinize not only our own children but also their friends.
“Ward, why is Lumpy tied to the dining room table with his boxers down? I have the girls from Chamber of Commerce over for lunch and canasta this afternoon!”
“June, please see if we don't have better flashlight batteries. I'm probing, engaging and examining this young man.”
“Don't worry Lumpy. Come see me after Ward is finished with his scrutinizing. I have fresh chocolate chip cookies for you.”
Only a pathetically disconnected parent zombied [sic] to the television would fail to do so.[N.B.] “Zombied” is Texas jive-speak for those who watch nothing on TV but their own “Fox News' Greatest Hits” on YouTube. (Will Norma Desmond pick up the white courtesy phone, please?)
Same holds true with neighbors and neighborhoods. Safe neighborhoods are those neighborhoods where caring neighbors have their radars finely tuned to identify things that don’t appear right. This should be especially true in neighborhoods that have a disproportionate occurrence of burglaries and other crime.
Neighborhood watch programs are a good and welcome start, but I prefer neighborhood patrols. Patrolling is different than merely “watching” for problems in that patrolling is a proven crime prevention pro-active defense posture. In business terms, neighborhood patrols are “management by walking around and observing."
Let's pause a moment and consider the author's authority or credentials for opinions expressed in this sincere and goofy “neighborly” advice column from Ted.
Although the “Nuge” originally hails from the Motor City for some years he's been ranching on 640 acres in Crawford, Texas. He would perhaps be Crawford's celebrity citizen --- except that down the road a ways are George W. and Laura. Dollars to donuts, the Social Registry of Crawford, TX remains a closed book.
An active defense posture sends a message to various creeps, thugs, malcontents, parolees and dangerous delinquents that a neighborhood will not tolerate any type of degeneracy or crime. The presence of neighborhood patrols will ultimately cause subhuman scum to slither off to other less secure neighborhoods.
Come to Lebensraum Estates! Secure, Covenant-restricted single family homes starting in the mid-300s.
In the best of circumstances, a neighborhood patrol should be comprised of two armed good guys who are also equipped with cell phones, cameras and powerful flashlights.And perhaps in Ted's circumstances satellite phones, night-vision goggles, a portable crystal meth laboratory and a full detail of bodyguards vis a vis Blackwater (or whatever they call themselves these days). Don't forget to call Mrs. Cleaver for extra flashlight batteries, hon!
It's safe to conclude at this point that Mr. Nugent doesn't live in a “community” in the way community is commonly interpreted by civic-minded people. He is a wilderness-type, likes guns, likes to play with guns, fantasizes about killing people he doesn't like, etc. In addition, this ranch may be nothing more than a cottage industry for Ted, since “Sunrize Safaris” is nothing more than a high roller's day camp for those who would like to enjoy the social prestige of legitimate sport hunting but don't know or care how-to. Ted releases tame, domesticated & helpless critters into the wild to be blasted away by assault rifles and heavy artillery. It's sometimes referred to as a “canned hunt.”
Here's Ted's concluding paragraph. But before signing off I believe it is important to pull sharp focus on my personal irritation with Mr. Nugent. On first inspection he seems to be a douche-bag deluxe. On second inspection he seems a threat to the social contract. But upon third inspection we find troubling and nightmarish examples of a socio-pathological personality with enough spit left to fellate the always-on erection of low-rent, low-maintenance right-wing opinion.
We are happy to nominate Ted Nugent as a candidate for “Miss Wingnut 2013.”
When I patrol my property, I’m constantly looking for things that don’t appear right such as gates that are open that should be closed, breached fences, and even the occasional trespasser. I don’t miss anything.
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