Sunday, August 4, 2013

Ted Nugent Proves Love Not Necessary Ingredient For Love Child

Note From World O' Crap Headquarters:  The following article was submitted anonymously.  The author is known to the Wo'C Editorial Staff, but wishes to be identified to you, the blabber-mouthed public, only as "Wally."

Loving Parents — and Armed Patrols — Make Safe Neighborhoods. By Ted Nugent
Loving, caring parents who want to know what our kids are up to need to constantly probe, engage, examine and scrutinize not only our own children but also their friends.

“Ward, why is Lumpy tied to the dining room table with his boxers down? I have the girls from Chamber of Commerce over for lunch and canasta this afternoon!”

“June, please see if we don't have better flashlight batteries. I'm probing, engaging and examining this young man.” 

“Don't worry Lumpy. Come see me after Ward is finished with his scrutinizing. I have fresh chocolate chip cookies for you.”
Only a pathetically disconnected parent zombied [sic] to the television would fail to do so.
[N.B.] “Zombied” is Texas jive-speak for those who watch nothing on TV but their own “Fox News' Greatest Hits” on YouTube. (Will Norma Desmond pick up the white courtesy phone, please?)
Same holds true with neighbors and neighborhoods. Safe neighborhoods are those neighborhoods where caring neighbors have their radars finely tuned to identify things that don’t appear right. This should be especially true in neighborhoods that have a disproportionate occurrence of burglaries and other crime.
Neighborhood watch programs are a good and welcome start, but I prefer neighborhood patrols. Patrolling is different than merely “watching” for problems in that patrolling is a proven crime prevention pro-active defense posture. In business terms, neighborhood patrols are “management by walking around and observing."
Let's pause a moment and consider the author's authority or credentials for opinions expressed in this sincere and goofy “neighborly” advice column from Ted. 

Although the “Nuge” originally hails from the Motor City for some years he's been ranching on 640 acres in Crawford, Texas. He would perhaps be Crawford's celebrity citizen --- except that down the road a ways are George W. and Laura. Dollars to donuts, the Social Registry of Crawford, TX remains a closed book.
An active defense posture sends a message to various creeps, thugs, malcontents, parolees and dangerous delinquents that a neighborhood will not tolerate any type of degeneracy or crime. The presence of neighborhood patrols will ultimately cause subhuman scum to slither off to other less secure neighborhoods.
Come to Lebensraum Estates!  Secure, Covenant-restricted single family homes starting in the mid-300s.
In the best of circumstances, a neighborhood patrol should be comprised of two armed good guys who are also equipped with cell phones, cameras and powerful flashlights.
And perhaps in Ted's circumstances satellite phones, night-vision goggles, a portable crystal meth laboratory and a full detail of bodyguards vis a vis Blackwater (or whatever they call themselves these days). Don't forget to call Mrs. Cleaver for extra flashlight batteries, hon!

It's safe to conclude at this point that Mr. Nugent doesn't live in a “community” in the way community is commonly interpreted by civic-minded people. He is a wilderness-type, likes guns, likes to play with guns, fantasizes about killing people he doesn't like, etc. In addition, this ranch may be nothing more than a cottage industry for Ted, since “Sunrize Safaris” is nothing more than a high roller's day camp for those who would like to enjoy the social prestige of legitimate sport hunting but don't know or care how-to. Ted releases tame, domesticated & helpless critters into the wild to be blasted away by assault rifles and heavy artillery. It's sometimes referred to as a “canned hunt.” 

Here's Ted's concluding paragraph. But before signing off I believe it is important to pull sharp focus on my personal irritation with Mr. Nugent. On first inspection he seems to be a douche-bag deluxe. On second inspection he seems a threat to the social contract. But upon third inspection we find troubling and nightmarish examples of a socio-pathological personality with enough spit left to fellate the always-on erection of low-rent, low-maintenance right-wing opinion.
When I patrol my property, I’m constantly looking for things that don’t appear right such as gates that are open that should be closed, breached fences, and even the occasional trespasser. I don’t miss anything.
We are happy to nominate Ted Nugent as a candidate for “Miss Wingnut 2013.”


Li'l Innocent said...

Teddy must have gotten de-lunched a lot back in the Motor City. That's a good-sized consignment of paranoia he carries around -- although evidently with enjoyment.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

As many wingnuts as there are in Texas, I don't think that this particular lowlife cocksucker knows a SINGLE SYLLABLE of "Texas-speak," the yankee-carpetbagging douchebag who was SO FUCKING GUN-NUT BATSHIT-CRAZY THAT THEY THREW HIM OUTTA FUCKING MICHIGAN!!!!!!

Ted's only bright enough to generally keep his assholiness to himself, and it's a damned good thing that he's got all of that acreage, 'cause it keeps HIS stoopid ass from getting SHOT, just on GENERAL PRINCIPLE. Even Reich-wing Texans (i.e., everything NOT Houston proper or the Louisiana-flavored EAST-Texas parts who have a higher cumulative IQ than room temperature, like those of the Houston SUBURBS who like to hold KLAN MEETINGS on how to RID HARRIS COUNTY {even though they don't fucking LIVE THERE!} of all of us CRIMINAL TYPES FROM LUZEANNER after Katrina! Also, everything outside of Austin, which is a damned shame.) would get sick of his rabid-dawg blatherings and babblings and asinine behavior. Personally, I vote that we lynch the motherfucker, as an example to other potential carpetbaggers.

Doc Logan said...

Keep in mind that the person looking out for "degenerates" once had himself appointed the legal guardian of an underage girl, for decidedly unwholesome purposes.

Not to mention that he's an astoundingly shitty guitarist. I'm not a huge Van Halen fan, but you can neatly line up the end of Nugent's days marketing himself as an adequate guitar player with the release of the first Van Halen album.

Sort of like how Dennis Miller discovered Fox News after his best writer, Kevin Rooney, stopped writing for him.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Extra points for Doc Logan!

Damned shame about Eddie's mouth cancer, but hell, it's not like we need him to SING!

Didja ever notice, aside from his "guardianship" of that poor oft-raped CHILD, that the majority of Ted's INADEQUACY-WRIT-LARGE "songs" were about DATE RAPE?!?!? "Cat Scratch Fever" is NOT about the rash you get (on your HANDS or ARMS!!) from wrangling feral cats!

Big bold billboard that screams, "TEEEENYYYY PEEENYYYYY!!!," n'est-ce pas?

Helmut Monotreme said...

Well, it's not like you'll go broke in the US if you can market another way to overcompensate. So, batshit as he is, at least he is a canny marketer selling his particular brand of less than competent crazy to the segment of the population that will eat that shit right up. For him, playing at the annual gathering of the Juggalos might get him exposure to a more sophisticated, discerning audience.

M. Bouffant said...

Well done, "Wally." Especially the links in the blockquotes (Ted didn't make them. We doubt if Ted could make a link other than a snausage link, & that may be giving him too much credit.)

All things considered, I'd still rather listen to the Nuge's "Stranglehold" than any individual Van Halen numbers. (No albums from either, you betcha.)

grouchomarxist said...

Sunrize Safaris: a new reason to despise the Nuge! Although it could make for a hilariously ironic accidental demise, a la Sick Puppy ...

Chris Vosburg said...

He would perhaps be Crawford's celebrity citizen --- except that down the road a ways are George W. and Laura.

The Bush's Crawford ranch set was "struck," as we say in Hollywood, as soon as Bush left the presidency.

The Bushes moved quickly to a gated residential community in Dallas.

preznit said...

Chris- funny story, I actually went to HS with the architect of his crawford "ranch." Potemkin had nothing on aWol ;}

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

"I'd still rather listen to the Nuge's 'Stranglehold' "

Oh, dear Bouffant, I am heartbroken. Next thing that I know, you'll be voting absentee for NADER one of these decades... You haven't been considering the nouveau-riche-white-trash version of "Libertarianism" lately, have you dear? Same priorities as before: cheap/legal weed, no taxes, no need/requirement/sentiment to do ANYTHING to help ANYBODY who isn't THEM, except now their stoner-selfish-prick majority has been flush with fresh blood from the utterly-batshit-crazy reich-wingers who've fallen off of the elephant when they picked Michael Steele as their token --- oops, "Party Leader"! Still every bit as selfish/mercenary as other republicunts, except for adapting to the non-medical weed demands and the still-minuscule-compared-to-republicunts budget, but now they can afford to rent better headquarters than their mothers' basements and the VFW hall on off-season Thursday nights!

I actually *considered* libertarians @ 17, first summer semester in college (before the REAL dain-bramage set-in), but all that they cared about were: pussy, cheap/legal weed, and NEVER PAYING TAXES. I needed more than three 2X4s in a party platform. There was this psycho-cunt Jim-Jones-wannabe from WACO who was hanging around, keeping EVERYBODY nervous as hell --- HE was the reason that I put-off trying weed until I was 23 and in radio! I dunno what's in the fucking water in Waco, I don't even WANNA know! But he skeered a lotta people off, as the stoners local 'leaders' of "the party" were too skeered to get rid of that sociopath until teh po-po finally busted him for some non-political misbehavior... Tsk, tsk, tsk... I liked what the "libertarians" back in '88 said about being STRICTLY CONSTITUTIONAL, but then, their idea of the Constitution turned-out to bear very little resemblance to the ACTUAL DOCUMENT or much of the progress that it hath wrought. Damned shame --- wouldn't it be nice if SOMEBODY in politics remembered what it says????

Sorry to get so far off-topic, Bouffant dear heart, but you had me a little nervous there... and the infection from my most-recently-broken toof, after this year's bout w/pneumonia, has had me blathering like a clusterfucked old has-been who hangs around comedy clubs, trying to get an "in" with somebody who's actually WORKING, just frothing at the mouth and muttering to myself, when not calmly cussing the fuck out of James (and going through a week's dose of valium!) for his recent misbehavior, and IF these fevers/swelling/insanity/inability to eat ever BREAKS, I hope to make it all up to all of y'all who've been subjected to my feverish fits of overwrought transcendental-masturbation e-mails & comments, SOMEHOW. Would you, perhaps, like any free gifts, delivered with THE friendliest, most-attentive missionaries from the LDS set in your area? They make FABULOUS time across town on those bicycles, with their polyester black slacks tied-up with ponytail holders to avoid the gear-shifts & sudden turns into private driveways with nary a hand-signal, those DAREDEVILS! Would you rather have the Free Bibul or the videotape that'll teach you to raise good Mormon chirren? I've still got the still-active(from the mid-to-late-1980s!) 800#s handy, any time that you feel the need!

Carl said...

So when you banged that thirteen year old, Nuge...?

Arakasi said...

On the plus side, if you happen to come across Nugent wandering through your neighborhood, you can probably legally shoot and kill him.

Although it is generally considered to be bad form to pose for pictures with the body

M. Bouffant said...

No, it's just a (perhaps the) not intolerable number of the Nuge's.

And never been a VH fan, 'cause I'm like, terminally hip, y'know.

Did see them in 1976 or '77 in a roller rink in Norwalk, CA where they opened for a band I was videotaping. (Sorcery. Magic acts on stage to go w/ the metal. Probably ahead of their time but never went anywhere in that time.) I recognized "You Really Got Me" but nothing else left an impression.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Yeah, well, it was prolly a lot more fun than seeing Van HAGAR, as I did in '93 or '94... back before Eddie got cancer, but far too late for Roth. What in the FUCK they ever had in common with Sammy, I will never know, except for gallons upon gallons of tequila... A guy who had maybe TWO hits in his entire carrer, THAT'S who they hire?!??! Pfft.

I wish that I'd seen 'em back in the '70s or '80s, but I was in grade school in the '70s and never got to go anyfuckingwhere anyfuckingway in my "teen" years except for when I had my momentary brush with the brain-death known as belonging to that non-denominational pentecostals-in-makeup-and-divorce-court CULT. Oh, yeah, CARMEN was a REEEALLL "rock star," yeah buddy. (No, kids, not one INKLING of a similarity or relation to THE OPERA or gypsies whatsofuckingever) Hell, I remember when we all destroyed our AMY GRANT cassettes because she'd become "TOO WORLDLY"!!! *sigh*

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

P.S. Bouffy --- I fucking LOVE yer flaming-brain avatar! Loverly imagery and more than a little familiar...