This technically doesn't qualify as an S.Z. Sunday, since the post below wasn't written by s.z., but it does feature one of my favorite columns by former World O' Crap regular Pastor J. Grant Swank, Jr. (or, as Doghouse Riley always called him, "Ol' Glamor Shots"). Hope you enjoy...
Speaking in Forked Tongues (originally published August 2, 2010).J. Grant Swank is expected to reach a charismatic climax of such unusual force, distance, throw-weight, and viscosity, that you might want to leave your hat on.
Sarah Palin will be quizzed about political this and that. But when she runs for Oval Office, if she does, and it surely does appear as if it’s in her adrenaline swing, her being Christian will be shredded.Listen boys, if you’re going to use the adrenaline swing during your sex orgies and rainbow parties, remember to apply adequate lubrication and ease into things, so you don’t wind up shredding her “Christian,” as the kids call it nowadays. Didn’t the Coach teach you anything in Mental Hygiene class?
She is not only Christian in the biblical definition, but also “evangelical” when it comes to tags.So if you’re going to “know” her “Christian” in the “biblical sense,” that’s fine, but if, during a peak of passion, she begs you for an “evangelical,” remember to be safe and use a condom and a shoehorn. (NB: Some inexperienced young people confuse the “evangelical” with the “throttled pentecostal” — a form of auto-erotic asphyxiation that requires two wet suits and a dildo — or the “Quaker snaker,” which is basically regular anal sex, except one party is wearing a periwig.)
And not only “evangelical,” but charismatic/pentecostal.
That issue alone will swab the deck.(“Swabbing the deck” is also known as a “Cincinnati Bowtie” or a “Chinstrap Penguin.”)
The atheists, agnostics and generic secularists will warp and woof. They will holler and screech. They will write and scrawl. They will pull up the sewer tops from every evangelical and pentecostal persona in the past century.Hey, slow down there, Pastor. I can’t keep running to the Urban Dictionary every time you discover a new fetish.
Further, they will take especially the pentecostal beliefs and strew them from coast to coast, then every continent. They will misplace them, misstate them, malign them and nail them to hell’s front door.Then ring the bell and run!
Her local church will be swarmed with reporters. Her pastor will have to hide from media.And from definite and indefinite articles.
Every churchgoer there in her hometown will likewise be buttonholed.Also known as a “Davenport Corncobbing,” or a “Minnesota Widestance.”
Some will speak clearly regarding doctrine. Others won’t have a clue and so will stir up the theological pot to dirt.Well, not everyone can speak with the clarity and eloquence of a Sarah Palin. Or a J. Grant Swank, for that matter.
Then First Dude will be quizzed till he’ll flee on dogsled.If only he not flee on dogsled, First Dude could answer quiz. Quiz easy! “Friend? Good! Fire? Bad!”
Palin children will be asked if they agree or disagree with family faith, especially the matriarch’s claim.A Matriarch’s Claim is basically a Dirty Sanchez using Jean Naté and potpourri.
The Bible verses relating to miracles, the Second Coming and speaking in tongues will make front page fodder, mostly screwed up to the nth.I tried screwing up to the nth once. It made me very chafed.
Imagine what Katie Couric will do with the Word.It actually works better for me if I just think about baseball.
Those truly interested in the topic will be twittering and emailing and posting till their fingers fall off.Well, it’s better than going blind.
In the meantime, God will oversee the mayhem and wonder what happened when Sarah Palin decided to run run run.She should flee on dogsled!
The circus has not even started yet. Wait till they pitch the Big Tent.Oh, I think you’re pitching a pretty big tent right now, Pastor. You might want to wait a few minutes before you stand up.