Wednesday, August 28, 2013

The Nutty Professor

Before starting a teaching job at one of California's many fine universities or junior colleges, the prospective instructor must first undergo a simple hazing ritual that involves looking upon the hideous visage of a Lovecraftian Elder God.  If the applicant survives, his new colleagues clap him on the back, and everybody goes out for drinks and appetizers at the Cheesecake Factory..

However, if a glimpse of Yog-Sothoth or Shub-Nigurrath reduces the candidate to a gibbering madness, he is immediately subdued by the able-bodied men present, immobilized with leather gyves and a stout canvas "restraining sheet," and offered the chance to pick up a little extra cash writing articles for American Thinker. Then everybody piles into the Party Bus and it's off to the Cheesecake Factory!

This week's Cthulhu-plagued pedagogue is Robert Oscar Lopez, English Professor at California State University-Northridge.  But before we get to Professor Lopez's particular moral hobbyhorse, let's take a moment to meet the man himself.

[cue The Dating Game theme]

Bachelor Number One describes himself as a "children's advocate" and the editor of English Manif, a bilingual French-English blog which promotes the idea that "The rights of children trump the desires of any group such as the LGBT lobby seeking control of children for their personal fulfillment."

When the Minnesota legislature was considering marriage equality, Bachelor Number One showed up twice to testify as an expert witness:
On March 12, he told the Senate Judiciary Committee a convoluted story about growing up with a lesbian mother, falling himself into a life of drugs and promiscuity as a young gay man and finally marrying a woman and becoming a father. The experience, he testified, scarred him for life.
I'm sure my Dad would agree with Professor Lopez that becoming a father can leave a few scars. Especially when the ungrateful little twerp refuses to mow the lawn or get a haircut.
"[My peers] learned, typically, how to be bold and unflinching from male figures and how to write thank-you cards and be sensitive from female figures. These are stereotypes, of course, but stereotypes come in handy when you inevitably leave the safety of your lesbian mom’s trailer and have to work and survive in a world where everybody thinks in stereotypical terms, even gays.”
"So in conclusion, Senators, when you consider upending an institution that has been a cornerstone of civilized society since time immemorial, please remember the stereotypical trailer lesbians. Thank you."
“Young adult men’s support for redefining marriage may not be entirely the product of ideals about expansive freedoms, rights, liberties, and a noble commitment to fairness,” he is quoted as concluding. “It may be, at least in part, a byproduct of regular exposure to diverse and graphic sex acts.”
As several scientifically rigorous, peer-reviewed studies have shown, the more porn stars toss each other's salad, the more the typical young adult man thinks about marriage.

Prof. Lopez appearing uninvited before the Minnesota State Senate Judiciary Committee to answer the eternal, if unasked question of how he caught The Gay from two lesbians in a mobile home.  The Committee unanimously voted his testimony the Worst Penthouse Forum Letter Ever.

Anyway, on with the Professor's lecture:

The International Gay War on Black People
The most blatant contempt toward black Americans I've seen recently has come from none other than the organized leadership of the LGBT lobby.
ME:  And where exactly did you see that, Professor?

LOPEZ:  Inside this kaleidoscope!   (BRANDISHES LIFELIKE 13-INCH RUBBER PENIS)

ME:  I thought kaleidoscopes were those cardboard tube thingies.  That actually looks more like an enormous dildo...

LOPEZ:  Of course it does!  Where else would you hide the LGBT lobby?  (PUTS THE MEATUS TO HIS EYE AND TWISTS THE FORESKIN BACK AND FORTH)  Ohhh, you should see how racist they're being in here. Also, if you turn it real fast, it looks like the opening credits of Family Affair.
Donnie McClurkin, an award-winning musician, was supposed to perform at the fiftieth anniversary of Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s march on Washington. McClurkin is a black Christian who has come forward with an inspiring life story. He was molested as a boy and developed homosexual behaviors, possibly as a result of the trauma.
I dunno, inspirational TV movie fodder goes, it's not exactly Brian's Song.  And if we're going to offer pseudo-scientific explanations for same-sex attraction, we should make certain that we're absolutely sure of our fake facts.  Have you considered the possibility that Mr. McClurkin developed homosexual behaviors as the result of a vaccination?  Or maybe he was driven to knob-gobble after years of using Sexy Hair's Soy Renewal Nourishing Styling Treatment.  (By the way, is it just me, or does The Knobgobbler sound like a character from those old McDonaldland commercials?)
Later his faith helped him to overcome his homosexual desires and live a more biblical life.
Now he spends most of his time cuckolding Hittites and refusing to mix his fabrics.
Under pressure from gay power activists in Washington the mayor of Washington, D.C., Vincent Gray, decided to drop McClurkin from the concert. McClurkin was humiliated. LGBT activists felt that someone who had called homosexuality a "sin" could not perform at a concert commemorating the life and work of a black Christian reverend.
Well, he also called it a "curse," but maybe he was just talking about the way trailer lesbians synchronize their monthly cycles.

Professor Lopez goes on for awhile, so let me summarize: at this point he rehearses a litany of African-Americans who've said or done discriminatory things regarding gay people and gotten flack for it.  Why is he the spokesperson for Black Christendom?  Probably for the same reason he's the leader of a Children's Crusade against the LGBT powers of personal fulfillment.
The peculiar ideology of the LGBT lobby, however, seems fashioned perfectly to inflame the rage and resistance of African-Americans. First, the ideology is based on biological determinism. The repeated appeals to the Fourteenth Amendment depend upon the notion that homosexuals are born with their orientation in the same way black people are born with dark skin. This isn't the most inviting way to start a comparison: "Hi, I'm a guy who loves playing with other men's genitals, and that's just like you being black!"
I really need to quit using this as an icebreaker at the Apollo.
There is an added dimension to this dangerous form of essentialism, however. The LGBT lobby is driven by the belief that people whom they classify as "born homosexuals" must engage in the actual acts of sexual gratification with the same sex, or there is something wrong with them.
Dude, this is America.  TV commercials for fast food patty melts make you feel bad if you're not having sex -- straight, gay, or otherwise.  
Within this logic, it is impossible to go from homosexual activity to non-homosexual activity.
I had no idea homosexuality was so powerful that gay guys can't stop blowing each other long enough to make a pot roast or buy snow tires.
So convinced are LGBT activists of this rejection of free will and self-control that they have moved to make it illegal in California, New Jersey, and Massachusetts for counselors to help minors cease or avoid sexual activities with the same sex.
And if you outlaw an entire industry based on quack psychology and self-loathing, it will likely have drastic and deleterious effects on society.  For one thing, it may lead to a decrease in teen suicides.  Which, okay, I admit sounds good, but will almost certainly produce unintended consequences, such Bobbie Gentry songs?
The LGBT lobby also demands that same-sex couples have the right to be parents. Here is where the movement becomes utterly irreconcilable with black history...For same-sex couples to become parents, they must purchase children. They won't call it that, of course. But buying sperm from a sperm-bank or renting a woman's womb both entail the exchange of money for ownership of a child. The state is then embroiled in the arrangement as an enforcer of the contract, compelling the child and third parties to respect the authority of two adults, one or both of whom are unrelated to the child, and both of whom came into possession of a dependent human being through money.
Ahhh...that explains this birth announcement I just got from my friends Mark and Pam:
How does this sound for a race of people who came out of slavery? Do you think it makes sense to tell black people, who were treated as chattel and stereotyped as savages incapable of self-control, that they ought to jump on board?
Had Harriet Beecher Stowe only known that slavery, which seemed such a cruel injustice in her day, would come to seem trivial compared to in vitro fertilization, she probably would have titled her book Uncle Tom's Sperm Bank.
Has it ever occurred to the LGBT lobby's loudmouths that they are fighting for segregation, not against it, so they shouldn't be comparing themselves to blacks fighting Jim Crow at all?
This should be good...
 After all, to fight for same-sex marriage means that the state endorses the creation of separate estates for male/male and female/female couples, with restricted access to property. Old marriage laws ensured gender diversity within households; same-sex marriage drives men and women into ghettoized enclaves.
So traditional marriage was really just affirmative action?  It was a quota system?  In other words, Professor, you're telling me that under the old law, even if I found a more qualified man to propose to, I could be forced by the government to marry a woman?  Alright, that's it!  I'm taking this all the way to the Supreme Court.
Laws against miscegenation were based on the idea that whites were born to mate with whites and not with blacks -- so why is racial history being cited by a lobby that thinks gays were born to mate with the same sex and not the opposite sex (orientation-mixing, which they view as unnatural and even want to outlaw in California, Massachusetts, and New Jersey?).
Wow. That makes so little sense I'm surprised the Professor doesn't teach criminology.


Carl said...

SO you're saying that George Lopez stalked that black homosexuality first in his car, then down an alley?

Was it wearing a black hoodie?

Joseph said...

Abortion:slavery::same-gender marriage:segregation -- got it.

You have to really hate yourself to write something this fucking stupid and then put it on the internet.

(Also, two things: one, American Thinker should be sued for destruction of the English language, literally; and two, it says in that article that Lopez wrote a trilogy about five gay men -- he seems really confused about something.)

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

As Yog-Sothoth's legal representative, let it be know that WoC is being sued for defamation.

Gibbering madness, sure. But we will not take responsibility for R.O.L.

Scott said...

Very well. Please refer any legal questions to my attorneys, Azathoth, Ghroth, Azhorra-Tha, Ubbo-Sathla, and Hungadunga, LLC.

mndean said...

You left out a Hungadunga.

trashfire said...

...and the most important one!

The fact that this guy refers to a "trailer" rather than a "home" where he grew up shows what the real issue is: That he wanted to grow up in a Nice Neighborhood with Nice Parents (one of each gender) where his material desires could be satisfied and he could be a slave to his father's dashed hopes and dreams. In other words, the real problem isn't the sexual orientation per se, it's the pay disparity between the hetero and LGBT communities. Maybe if he'd been raised by rich lesbians like Rosie O'Donnell or Ellen DeGeneris he wouldn't be so chronically torqued.
Cuz it seems to me, once you take the socioeconomic issues out of the picture, probably the biggest hassle for a boy raised by lesbians is that now TWO parents are trying to sneak a peek down the front of your prom date's low cut dress.

Carl said...

To continue trashfire's thought....

And then one day, a strong rain came and washed all the crops away...

D. Sidhe said...

Okay, my kitchen sink has self destructed again, under the weight of its installation by non-union monkeys who work in seven dimensions and forgot to account for this in plumbing the thing.

First, the sink leaked into the garbage. Which I didn't notice until a foul smell and eruptions of spittle emerged from the drain, followed by a continuous angry screeching. If you look down into it, you can see baleful eyes and a hooked sneer.

I knew it looked familiar but couldn't quite work out what was down there till I read this post.

Now I understand: It's Professor Robert Oscar Lopez. The angry screeching should have given it away, I guess.

heydave said...

All I can say is I sometimes feel like this dude when I hear Grateful Dead songs. Good times.

Woodrowfan said...

Was it wearing a black hoodie?

are you asking if it was cut or uncut??