Sunday, August 11, 2013

Sundays With S.Z.: Turn Your Crank to Swank!

Our weekly look back at some of the weird, wild, and wonderful posts written by Internet snark pioneer and World O' Crap founder s.z.

Originally published October 26, 2006.

Happy Halloween From Pastor Swank

I’m dressing up like a homo nup for Halloween this year — THAT should scare a lot of people!
It’s Halloween Horror if Dems Win 
It’s going to be horrific if Dems get control of government. In fact, there are no words to describe how horrible it will be to live in America if the irreligious Dems gain the driver’s seat. 
Dems are anti-God, anti-family, anti-morality, anti-Judeo-Christian heritage, anti-unborn children, anti-decency, anti-reason. They are, in short, basically demonic.
Yes, we are. And when we win back the Senate and the House, we are going to have wild orgies in the Capitol, and we won’t invite you. We are also going to eat your babies, marry your sons (unless we are female, in which case we will marry your daughters and/or box turtles), and force you to listen to that HeadOn commercial nonstop for hours. That’s just how evil we are.

But Pastor Swank does ask a good question:
Where is the sterling Republican leadership in Congress? It’s not.
Um, okay, he doesn’t answer that question coherently, but it is a good one.

Anyway, he concedes that the Republicans haven’t done that great of a job since they took power, but hey, at least they have the grace to be hypocrites, and so are better than the alternative.
However, the alternative re: moving for Dems is to stash the nation near hell’s lip. Certainly anyone in his right mind and clean heart would not want to live one day in that climate. Yet that could happen. In a few days, the US will know.
So, if the Dems do win, I guess Pastor Swank will move to somewhere father away from hell’s lip — but not Canada, since that’s Hell’s eyebrow, nor Mexico, which is Hell’s kneecap.

Seriously, I don’t know where the Pastor would be happy — anybody have any ideas?
This nation is in an extremely sorry state. Sorry sorry state. If there are any out there with prayer faith, let them act on it for there is little else to turn to. 
Illegals mount higher.
Maybe it’s just because I’ve been focused on the dogs this week, but to me the Pastor’s last line conjures up some interesting imagery.
Iraq wallows in more blood fountains.
And those blood fountains weren’t built for wallowing, Iraqis! Just take a brief dip in the blood, and then move on.
Those are two major items that blemish the Republican program. Illegals who are blatantly just plain not legal have been defended by President Bush.
Illegals who are blatantly just plain not legal are the worst kind of illegals!
Iraq is President Bush’s last ditch doctrine for “staying the course.” Both of these conclusions by President Bush are not right. 
Nothing that is illegal should be tolerated by anyone in the US, particularly the President.
Um, Pastor Swank, didn’t the wiretapping, torture, and detention without trial teach you that the President can declare ANYTHING legal, and then it’s not illegal anymore?
And as far as Iraq is concerned, Islamic theology should have been studied prior to Operation Iraqi Freedom. If it had been studied, Islam would have been revealed as a killing and maiming cult, not a “religion of peace.”
And then we would have never taken than harpy Ann Coulter’s advice, and we would instead have just nuked the whole Middle East. And so now we wouldn’t be wallowing in this blood fountain quagmire, just because we didn’t know that all Muslims are Satan’s action figures.
Nuts. Nuts for sure. 
Yet for the Dems to attempt to rescue this confusion is only a deep slide into The Pit.
Yeah, we’re totally screwed, no matter who wins the election. Happy Halloween, kids!

Scott adds: While I may disagree with the pastor's ideas, I do admire the tidiness of his prose. How does he manage to achieve this taut, clean voice while churning out five or six columns per day? Happily, he's been good enough to walk us through his personal Elements of Style:
God help us. Republicans were cowardly to the nth degree in that last Congress. Cowardly, actually, is too kind a term. But for the sake of not wanting to get verbally messy, let’s stay with “cowardly.”
You got it, Pastor Strunk.

Posted by s.z. on Thursday, October 26th, 2006 at 6:18 pm.

5 comments:

Chris Vosburg said...

Seriously, I don’t know where the Pastor would be happy — anybody have any ideas?

Commanding the Gastonguay Expedition, perhaps.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Whatever happened to Pastor Swank, anywho?
~

Keith said...

Nothing makes my Sunday morning than a pot of fresh-ground Italian roast, a spliff --- and Pastor Swank.

And to second the above comment, what the hell did happen to the Good Pastor? Did he venture too close to Hell's lips only to become emulsified in an embalming solution based on Revlon's newest shade?

Also, are Hell's lips somehow attached to the "Pit"?

Carnival Cruise to Bermuda Triangle? Alien abduction?

Peace,
Keith

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

1. If Canada is "Hell's Eyebrow" and Mexico is "Hell's Kneecap," then that confirms every time that I've described Louisiana and/or New Orleans as "Satan's Jockstrap"!!! Also, Teh Swankster's use of "hell's lip" pretty much tells us how long it's been since he's seen ANY lips, and I do NOT mean the silicone-injected FACIAL lips of his favorite porn queens, honey. I mean the lips that he was probably raised to fear like the very fangs of death itself --- y'all ever notice that raised-hardline-cathlick boys and bibul-bangin' misogynist protestant freaks are TERRIFIED OF CUNNILINGUS?!?!!?! Their mamas and/or them putting-kids-to-kneeling-on-rice, ruler-beating NUNS surely left some HELLACIOUS fucking scars on their teeny-tiny brains, and I do mean BOTH OF 'EM. Another reason that I've always preferred atheists & other kinds of free-thinkers --- they ain't 'fraid of NOTHIN'!!! And frankly, I still maintain that Teh Swankster is a miserably-closeted homosexual, the very "type" of person whom he claims to LOATHE DOWN TO HIS RANCID BONE MARROW. To whit, going back to his "lip of hell" bit: "Certainly anyone in his right mind and clean heart would not want to live one day in that climate." --- !!! If THAT'S not a tragic fear of teh pussy, I don't know what is! Actually, it's more than fear, it's a beyond-misogyny HATRED of the vagina that generally leads to characters like TED BUNDY. I wonder if Teh Swankster ever ministered to THAT particular sociopath (having so very much IN COMMON!) on death row...

2. Oh, this brings me back, and reminds me of how very much that I have truly and severely missed S.Z.'s brilliant writing, snark et al.!!! With a sermon like this one, she puts "Julia Sugarbaker", aka the female "Terminator" *TO SHAME!!!!!!* One of my all-time favorite S.Z. quotes is featured here:

{Swankster's idiotic blathering:} "Dems are anti-God, anti-family, anti-morality, anti-Judeo-Christian heritage, anti-unborn children, anti-decency, anti-reason. They are, in short, basically demonic."

Yes, we are. And when we win back the Senate and the House, we are going to have wild orgies in the Capitol, and we won’t invite you. We are also going to eat your babies, marry your sons (unless we are female, in which case we will marry your daughters and/or box turtles), and force you to listen to that HeadOn commercial nonstop for hours. That’s just how evil we are.

(Truncated by Blogger's character limit...)

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

(Continuation of said truncation...)

3. Few idiots have given us as much amusement, horrified alarm, or flat-out bankable STOOPIDITY as The Swankster, and far as I know, NOBODY can compare to the much-needed humbling evisceration that he has been given, time and again, flawlessly every stroke, by S.Z. & Scott. This piece, of course, being a PRIME example.

"Illegals mount higher."

Maybe it’s just because I’ve been focused on the dogs this week, but to me the Pastor’s last line conjures up some interesting imagery.

Not only THAT, darlin', it doesn't even qualify as a SENTENCE!!! It's a fucking sentence FRAGMENT that GOES NOWHERE, since "Illegals"/illegal and/or undocumented immigrants to the more-civilized folk, were they given to "MOUNTING" anything, could not and would not "mount HIGHER"!!!!!! They could mount a horse, mount a deer head, or mount their fellow consenting adults, but if Teh Swankster is trying to say that the numbers of illegal immigrants are growing exponentially, he shoulda JUST SAID THAT!!! 'Cause THIS idiotic fragment of a hanging-on-by-a-hair-in-the-digestive-tract SHIT does NOT get him there!!! I'm hardly in possession of the flawless memory/brain quantity to remember ALL of the multiple reasons that this is an abomination to the English language, but that OUGHTA be enough, n'est-ce pas?
ALSO, thanks to S.Z., I now have visions of un-altered dogs trying to hump everything in sight, including legs, stuffed animals, purses, furniture, cats, you name it. One of the coolest dogs I ever knew, Tori, (thankfully, NO, not named after Aaron Spelling's BIGGEST flop!), unfortunately, b/c his "dad" had that pathetically-common fixation on his dog's genitalia as an extension of his own "virility," never DID get fixed, and wound-up dying of PROSTATE CANCER, something that I try to explain to my more-ignorant neighbors who flat-out REFUSE to neuter THEIR dogs and let 'em run loose in the neighborhood, impregnating everything with a hole. Why do some men equate their DOGS' testicles with THEIR OWN?!?!!? Makes no fucking sense to me, but then, neither do most males. Present company, for the majority, severely excepted, of course.

Thanks for doing these, Scott. Mebbe it'll finally nudge S.Z. towards coming back to us on a semi-regular basis!