Happy Birthday, M. Bouffant! I Got You a Coot!

Not, alas, a cooter, which I understand is Southern slang for a turtle, or a vagina, or perhaps, if you're really in a mood to party, both, but a wizened old codger who may be familiar to readers of Wo'C and/or our local fishwrap.

M., as I'm sure you know, is a longtime member of the Crapper Community, a trenchant and witty commenter, and the proprietor of one of our favorite destinations on the interweb, Just Another Blog From L.A. (also one of our favorite blog titles).

The coot in question, Burt Prelutsky, is known (vaguely) to Angelenos of a certain age, since he used to be the "humor columnist" for the LA Times, before they hired Jonah Goldberg for that position and didn't tell him.

As Doghouse Riley reminded me when I first wrote about today's subject, back on the old Wo'C site, Burt cut his teeth as a script writer for Dragnet 1967, penning such classic and well remembered episodes as Burglary: Mister, Juvenile: DR-35, and Frauds: DR-28.  He had a fairly respectable career in TV, with credits that include one episode of The Rockford Files, nine episodes of M*A*S*H, and one episode of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, culminating in six episodes of Diagnosis: Murder.  Then he got the gig at the Times, which I recall him being fairly terrible at, and when that petered out he puttered around in his bathrobe, wandered out into the street, and was finally discovered asleep on the sofa at WorldNetDaily, where he now produces a column called "The Squeaky Wheel," because "The Squeaky Fromme" was already taken.

Before we get into this, I should mention that Burt has been recycling the same column for the past five years -- a version of his Amish-like shunning by Hollywood liberals -- so while he's a grumpy old bigot, at least he's trying to save the planet.

There are people who will find excuses for pedophiles and for women who feel themselves entitled to having abortions five minutes before the baby is ready to pop, but will call for a lynch rope if anyone dares to pronounce the word that the N-word refers to.

I think there are a couple inherent problems with announcing two new classes of hominids, especially when your paper hasn't yet been peer reviewed.  For the latter group, I imagine the scientific community would demand fairly substantive proof that there are women who will go eight months, thirty days, twenty-three hours and fifty-five minutes into a pregnancy before abruptly changing their mind, and that they attract an entire, previously unknown species of cheerleading excuse mongers.  As regards the former claim, I admit that Burt is on firmer ground so far as evidence is concerned, but suspect, as a result, that he's on pretty thin ice with the Catholic church.

We have been told time and again that the world will stop spinning if white people utter the word that’s tossed around like a Frisbee in the black community.

I didn't realize the N-word has such aerodynamic properties.  I wonder if Black people ever take their saucer-shaped racial epithet and some empty cardboard boxes down to the park to play N-Word Golf.

Blacks never explain why the word that’s supposed to be the worst obscenity imaginable has such wide currency within their own ranks.

What could be more damning than the failure of young Negroes to justify their culture to an elderly crank who writes for a conspiracy-mongering right wing website?  It's almost like they neither care what he thinks, nor respect the sovereignty of his lawn!

Black stand-up comedian Chris Rock made his name doing a bit in which he compared blacks, whom he claimed to love, to niggers, whom he despised and ridiculed. It resonated with middle-class black audiences because it summed up their own attitudes. So why is it that whites aren’t allowed to make the same obvious distinctions without resorting to the babyish N-word?

Yeah, they can trust us with it!  It's not like we've ever misused that word in the past.

Why are we not supposed to be able to recognize the difference between men who go to school, hold down jobs, refrain from drug use, get married and help raise their children, from the bums who do none of those things?

 And why doesn't using the B-word instead of the N-word give you the same tingle in your Depends?

In addition, how does calling a friend or neighbor a nigger work as a bonding agent?

I dunno, Burt. I usually just grab the Krazy Glue...

I’m 73 years old and I’ve never heard one Jew call another Jew a kike, a Hebe or a sheeny.

Really?  Apparently you've never seen Gentleman's Agreement either.  I'd maybe hasten on over to Netflix, Burt.  You're not getting any younger.

One of the anomalies of modern life is provided by Hollywood. Only in the town I call home would you find thousands of the very people dedicated to the eradication of the Second Amendment devoting most of their working hours to making movies and producing TV shows that glorify men protecting their families, city, nation and planet with guns.

Hm, I think I maybe see why the work dried up for Burt -- it really helps the whole assembly line process of Hollywood film production if the writer realizes this stuff is supposed to be fiction. I'm pretty sure, despite their making seven films on the subject, that Universal Studios wasn't actually trying to inspire the scientific community to drop that polio vaccine research and genetically engineer a species of talking mule.

And not just those regular guns they don’t want the rest of us to have, but humongous weapons with huge – even limitless – magazines.

On the other hand, I suspect those Hollywood liberals would be fine if Aaron Alexis, like Bruce Willis, had been armed with blanks.

Speaking of life in my town, a while ago I was invited to attend a luncheon with other former L.A. Times employees. These get-togethers are a monthly affair, but I had never attended one before.

Which probably accounts for your continuing to receive invitations.

But having nothing else to do one Friday, I decided to show up at the restaurant in Pasadena.

But even before the shunning, it all started to go to hell when Burt realized this restaurant didn't have an Early Bird Special, and wouldn't honor his coffee coupon.

As it turned out, I only knew one person, a now retired assistant editor, but everyone was pretty friendly. That is they were until we reached the point when, after the meal...I mentioned some of the scripts I had written for TV and then named a few of my books: “Conservatives Are from Mars, Liberals Are from San Francisco,” “Liberals: America’s Termites,” “Barack Obama, You’re Fired!” and “67 Conservatives You Should Meet Before You Die.”

I can't believe liberals are so touchy about being compared to home-wrecking insects.  Burt probably should have opened with the N-word as an icebreaker.

The booing was so loud and raucous, you might have thought I had claimed authorship of “Mein Kampf” and “The Protocols of Zion.”

That's kind of an unfair comparison, Burt.  Unlike your books, "Mein Kampf" actually sold.

 Keep in mind this was supposed to be a social gathering, not a Hillary for President pep rally.

Maybe it wasn't your body of work they objected to so much as your penchant for walking between the tables, spritzing the guests with household pesticide and screaming "RAID?!"

So the next time some pinhead insists that the members of the mass media aren’t left-wing bigots, send him to me. I’ll straighten him out. With the business end of my Louisville Slugger, if necessary.

Yeah. Can't imagine where they got that Nazi comparison.

Anyway...

Sexy Birthday Lizards!

Here's wishing Monsieur Bouffant the happiest of natal anniversaries.

The FBI, Starring Efrem Zimbabwe, Jr.

Phew!  Good thing I checked my spam folder; there was an important email from FBI Director Robert S. Mueller:

FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION

Counter-terrorism Division and Cyber Crime Division J. Edgar. Hoover Building

Washington DC ROBERT S. MUELLER,

Looks official!

Attention Beneficiary,

Oh.  Okay, it actually looks like Robert S. Mueller, who will soon be replaced by James Comey as FBI Director, is easing into his new career selling insurance.

Records show that you are among one of the individuals and organizations who are yet to receive their overdue payment from overseas which includes those of Lottery/Gambling, Contract and Inheritance.

I don't ask much of our Federal law enforcement agencies; only that they keep us safe from terrorism, uproot subversive and radical groups, and combat the scourge of organized crime. Also that they check to make sure I've received my lottery winnings from Africa.

Through our Fraud Monitory Unit we have noticed that you have been transacting with some impostors and fraudsters who have been impersonating the likes of Prof. Soludo /Mr. Lamido Sanusi of the Central Bank Of Nigeria...

Well I'm sorry, but if Prof. Soludo/Mr. Sanusi wasn't leading that Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde dual life, he wouldn't be so ripe for identity theft, would he?

Mr. Patrick Aziza, Bode Williams, Frank, Anderson...

Hamilton, Joe Frank & Reynolds...

none officials of Oceanic Bank

I'm getting to it!  Jeez!

Zenith Banks, Kelvin Young of HSBC

Centigrade Jones, Magnavox J. Orbitz, and Mrs. Apogee Pince-Nez of IHOP.

Ben of FedEx,

Ah-hah!  This is where you come a cropper, impostors and fraudsters!  I know Ben of FedEx.  Ben of FedEx was a deliveryman of mine, and you sir, are no Ben of FedEx! Although I might buy you as Judith of Bethulia, or Theodoric of York.

and some impostors claiming to be The Federal Bureau of Investigation!

The nerve.

The Cyber Crime Division of the FBI gathered information from the Internet Fraud Complaint Center (IFCC) on how some people have lost outrageous sums of money to these impostors. As a result of this, we hereby advise you to stop communication with any one not referred to you by us.

Thanks for having my back, Bob.

We have negotiated with the Federal Ministry of Finance that your payment totaling 5,900,000.00(Five Million Nine Hundred Thousand Dollars). will be released to you via a custom pin based ATM card with a maximum withdrawal limit of $15,000 a day which is powered by Visa Card and can be used anywhere in the world where you see a Visa Card Logo on the Automatic Teller Machine (ATM).

It's really going to irk that guy at the corner liquor store when I withdraw $15,000 from his ATM, probably emptying out the machine, and then only buy a pack of gum and a Yoo-Hoo.

We guarantee receipt of your payment. This is as a result of the mandate from US Government to make sure all debts owed to citizens of American and also Asia and Europe which includes Inheritance, Contract, Gambling/Lottery etc are been cleared.

The U.S. is not the world's policeman, but apparently we are the world's boiler room bill collectors.

 Below are few list of tracking numbers you can track from Delivery Company website to confirm people like you who have received their payment successfully.
1)Name Howard KeighlerTracking Number899328773367Website FeDex.com(2) Name: Jody MillerTracking Number: 899571438936Website: FedEx.com

I can't tell you what peace of mind this gives me, Director Mueller.  I pity the scam artist faced with the near-impossible task of forging a tracking number from an unnamed company for a guy I've never heard of.

To redeem your funds, you are hereby advised to contact the ATM Card Center via email for their requirement to proceed and procure your Approval of Payment Warrant and Endorsement of your ATM Release Order on your behalf which will cost you$155 Usd only and nothing more as everything else has been taken care of by the Federal Government including taxes, custom paper and clearance duty so all you will ever need to pay is $155.00 only.

Well, if it's only $155 only.  Still, it bugs me to see how much money US Government is wasting by not going custom paperless.

Note this: you are to pay the sum of $155 before your ATM Card can be delivere to your nominated delivery address

Well, I'm convinced.  I can't possibly imagine what could shake my faith in the veracity of this letter, unless it were, oh, say, comically ill-conceived and delightfully, if unintentionally, ironic payment information.

Mr.ROBIN HOOD.(ATM Card Center Director)
Central Bank of Nigeria
Central Business District,
Cad astral Zone, federal
Capital Territory,
Nigeria.

You sir, have made my day.   You've also inspired me to write a SF epic, just so I can set the whole thing in the Cad Astral Zone.

Email: robin12hood@yahoo.com.hk
Contact Mobile Number: +2347030166275

Wow.  Mr. Robin Hood has a Hong Kong email address, but a Nigerian phone number.  He sure covers the waterfront.

ROBERT S. MUELLER,DIRECTOR
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535
Note: Disregard any email you get from any impostors or offices claiming to be in possession of your ATM card, you are hereby advice only to be in contact with Mr.Robin Hood. of the ATM card center who is the rightful person to deal with in regards to your payment and forward any emails you get from impostors to this office so we could act upon it immediately.

Thanks for taking time out from your core mission of protecting and defending the United States against terrorist and foreign intelligence threats, and upholding and enforcing the criminal laws of the United States, to make sure I get my ATM card.

Any final thoughts, Director Mueller?

Help stop cyber crime

It's the least I can do.

Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Grown Ups

You may have seen this article, "6 Reasons to NOT Send Your Daughter To College" by Raylan Alleman of Fix The Family, whose group seems to be a bizarre blend of orthodox Catholic dogma and the fundamentalism of backwoods Pentacostals.  I'm not exactly sure how that's supposed to work, but I imagine they replace the Sign of Peace with a little mid-Mass snake handling, and allow priests who aren't fluent in Latin to fake it by speaking in tongues.

After his post was published Deacon Raylan took a certain amount of chin music over his premise, which errs a bit on the patriarchal side and basically advocates a kind of Chinese foot-binding for the female brain.  But being a good Christian who realizes that no man is inerrant and without sin except Jesus, he prayed, meditated, sought communion with the Holy Spirit, then added two more reasons because Christ never explicitly forbade his followers to troll the Internet.

Probably the most controversial and rejected position we have at Fix the Family is that parents should not send their daughters to college. It is even more vehemently opposed than the submission of wives to their husbands. 

Because when wives submit, at least there's a form rejection letter you can use ("Dear Wife: Thank you for your recent submission.  Unfortunately, your servility does not meet our present needs...").  But there's no good way to deal with a daughter who's allowed a fact inside her head; her mind hymen has been broken, and not all the king's horses nor all the king's men can put it back together again, mostly because horses are ungulates -- they don't even have fingers, let alone opposable thumbs, so I'm not even sure why they'd be your first choice, but it does explain why so few horses become brain surgeons.

Both of these positions we have are a threat to the trophies of the feminist agenda

"World's Greatest Golfer"? Your days on the credenza are numbered...

so the rejection we receive is always emotionally charged and ends up insulting, since once explained logically, the opposition runs out of substance and is only left to hurl insults and presume and misconstrue this practical wisdom into some chauvinistic evil.

Great, now I can't stop hearing Ezio Pinza singing the words "some chauvinistic evil" to the tune of "Some Enchanted Evening." Not sure why exactly, but there's just something about Raylan that makes me suspect he's a musical theater fan.

But to distinguish these 2 issues, we are NOT saying that sending a girl to college or women working is a sin. But after looking at the issues we raise, we would challenge anyone to convince us that college for girls is not a near occasion of sin.

Or as we call it here in Southern California, "freeway close to sin."

Okay, before we go any further, let's find out a little about Deacon Raylan and his partner in Fix The Family, William Gil:

Raylan Alleman has been married to his wife Missy (the former Melissa Falgoust) since 1990, and they currently reside in South Louisiana where they were both born and raised in Catholic families and are enjoying a joyous and fruitfully fulfilling marriage. As proof, they have 7 children, 5 boys and 2 girls

So their marriage has a delicious fruit filling.  And if you doubt it, they can furnish children upon demand as proof, which they alway carrying in the glove compartment in case they're ever pulled over in Arizona.

Missy has been a stay-at-home mom since they were married, and they are homeschooling all of their children. He is raising his family to be 100% loyal to the Holy Father as Pope of the Holy Roman Catholic Church and to be strong defenders of the Faith.

In other words, if Raylan had been present when John F. Kennedy told the Greater Houston Ministerial Association "I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute, where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic) how to act...where no public official either requests or accepts instructions on public policy from the Pope," he would have cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted, "Wrong answer!" or maybe, "You lie!"

William Gil has been married to his wife Candy (formerly Candice Martin) since 1991, and they currently reside in South Louisiana where they were both born and raised Catholic families.

I tried raising Catholic families for extra money after I saw an ad in Grit, but my Mom complained about how much space it took up, and then a raccoon got into the garage over the Labor Day weekend and ate them.

Here's a question for Missy and Candy: is it just South Louisiana weddings, or are all Catholic brides issued an infantilizing diminutive immediately after the ceremony?

Originally, William wanted to appear in some of FTF's videos too, but they both agreed he should stay behind the camera, since Raylan's the "cute one."

Anyway, let's run quickly through Deacon Raylan's 6 (now 8) "principal reasons for shunning college for girls".

1.  She will attract the wrong types of men. I share the common concern addressed to us, again mainly by angry women, that there are so many lazy men in our society. But what mystifies me is why girls continue to marry them and then live to complain about them

In the old days, these nagging shrews would have gotten an axe in the face and wound up buried in the village dungpile, and that would have been the end of it.  But now, somehow, they manage to complain and keep on living!  But I do agree with Deacon Raylan that there's nothing lazier than a man who graduated from high school, then went on to get a college degree.  I'm pretty sure that kind of otiosity
is the reason Flo was always harping at Andy Capp.

2.  She will be in a near occasion of sin. Just think of the environment that college-age students live in. You have a heavy concentration of young people all living together without the supervision of parents at the most sexually charged state of life they will experience. 

Two-year junior colleges, in particular, are hotbeds of bedhopping hotties, which is why Fellini shot the orgy scenes for Satyricon at Mid-Plains Community College in North Platte, Nebraska.  (The set designer did an amazing job of transforming the Cafeteria into a Roman brothel, but sharp-eyed viewers may still catch a glimpse of the vending machines, and part of a banner announcing a softball game with cross town rival, the Adult Extension Campus.)

This is no small matter we’re dealing with here. Is a degree worth the loss of your daughter’s purity, dignity, and soul? 

I dunno, what's your daughter's purity worth to you?  Ten dollars?  Fifteen?  Do I hear twenty?  Oops -- sorry. I thought the silent auction had already started...

Catholic OB-GYN Dr. Kim Hardey notes that a woman is naturally very observant of a man’s faults as long as she is in a platonic relationship with him. Once she becomes sexually active with him, she releases hormones that mask his faults, and she remains in a dreamy state about him. 

That's the only reason my wife puts up with me.  Of course, I use those time-release hormones (after consulting with a Catholic OB-GYN), and now whenever she observes one of my faults I spritz her with my scent glands and bang!  Fault Masked!

(Just for the record, Catholic OB-GYN Dr. Kim Hardey is a man.)

3.  She will not learn to be a wife and mother. Nothing that is taught in a college curriculum is geared toward domestic homemaking.

I'm sorry Deacon, but you're a little behind the times.  As this educational short subject from Mystery Science Theater 3000 demonstrates, home economics is the only reason a woman needs to go to college.

On the contrary, it is training in a very masculine role of a professional career. So there becomes a severe inner conflict in a woman when she starts trying to be a homemaker and juggle a career alongside it.

Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt, but it just dawned on me that all the jugglers I've ever seen were men, which means that's a masculine role too, and even if a woman's only attempting to juggle a career, and not, say, chainsaws, she's still probably hemorrhaging femininity as we speak.  Quick, men!  Somebody drop their pants and release some hormones!

Often when a career woman discerns the possibility of giving up her career, she faces the reality that she has had no training in homemaking and often has the thought “What would I do at home all day.” Stay-at-home mothers are actually very busy industrious women and do absolutely beautiful marvelous things. 

"I'm sorry, I was a Chief Technology Officer at a major firm and have always worked in a corporate environment, so this 'domestic homemaking' is complex and beyond my powers to grasp.  Was I not supposed to put the baby in the document shedder...?"

4. The cost of a degree is becoming more difficult to recoup. Like anything that is subsidized by the government, the cost of a college degree is inflated.

Yours was certainly no bargain.

That being the case, it can often be difficult or impossible to get an adequate payoff for the investment...More commonly now we’re seeing situations where not only is the income not enough to support a family, but many are strapped with student loan debt. Add to that the possibility of not even being able to get a job with the degree and you have economic disaster for a family before they even get started. It makes much more sense for a young couple to have a husband with a skill that brings value to the marketplace that has reasonable compensation to go along with it.

Because fortunately, men aren't subject to those market forces.  Or maybe they are and I just never noticed it before because it's hard to see anything through this constant fog bank of pheromones.

5.  You don’t have to prove anything to the world. The girl who graduates from high school along with her parents gets the endless barrage of questions

Like, "Aren't your parents a little old to be in high school?" and "Didn't it kinda suck that your Mom started dumping Slurpees on you in the hall after she became a cheerleader?"  But answering the question "Where are you going to college," is easy, because all you have to say is, "I have a babymaker in my pants!  Your question is invalid!"

6.  It could be a near occasion of sin for the parents.

And if you ask Dad, he could use one.

 In our culture many parents feel an unnecessary obligation to pay for the children's college tuition. Of course to aid in that there are a host of financial advisers who can set up college investment savings programs for which the government will grant tax favors. So parents may avoid having more children with contraception, sterilization, or illicit use of NFP to bear this cost.

Q.E.D.!  Wait...there's an "illicit" use of the Rhythm Method?  What, do you have to phone the Vatican now every time you're tempted to pull out, like an AA member calling his sponsor?

BONUS REASONS To Keep Your Daughter Young, Dumb, and Ready for Cum:

7.  She will regret it.

Show of hands please, ladies.  Among your regrets in life, going to college has to be at the top, right?  Maybe, maybe a notch below that tattoo.  No, not that one -- that one...

This just in, so that we don't leave girls called to vocations out: 

8. It could interfere with a religious vocation. According to Corey Huber, President of the Mater Ecclesiae Fund for Vocations, Catholic seminaries and religious orders do not accept candidates who have substantial unpaid debt. He states the average college loan debt today is a staggering $27,029 which takes most graudates a decade or more to pay off.

Well, there goes my plans to escape the phone calls from Capital One by joining a nunnery.

***************
Commenter trashfire sums it up best, I think:  "Two words:

Malala Yousafzai"

Helloooo, Breakfast! Wait...

I've reached the point where I can no longer read, or read comfortably without my glasses, but my middle distance vision remains fine.  Or so I told myself, until I saw this sign on the door of a frozen yogurt shop...

...which I was convinced said "Twy my tasty twat!"  So...yeah.  Either it's time for a new prescription, or less horny cartoon characters.

ADDENDUM:  I see The Bloggess had a similar experience, but at least hers didn't involve a hydrocephalic canary with a profound speech impediment and a tendency to make product claims that are clearly not supported by independent taste tests, given that whole cloaca issue.

Sundays With S.Z.: A Cracker Barrel of Crackheads

Posted by s.z. on Thursday, August 24th, 2006 at 6:23 am.

Old Favorites Day

I don’t feel all that great, and so I am in a mood for comfort wingnuts (you know, those familiar, homey wingnuts whose creamy texture, cheesy richness, and meatloaf-like consistency always hit the spot). 

So, here are the latest columns by some old favorites.

1.  Pastor Grant Swank: “Plane Mutiny, Olmert Demise, Mosque Killers, & Iraq Over“ 

Thesis: The only good Muslim is a dead Muslim. 

Excerpts:

Two men who looked like Muslim killers were speaking in what was concluded to be Arabic. They looked cagey. They kept looking at their watches. They darted looks to right and left. They whispered to one another. They wore heavy leather jackets. They were just plain mysterious.

Swarthy men on a plane who keep doing suspicious terrorist stuff like looking at their watches, whispering to each other, and wearing jackets?  Quick, somebody page Annie Jacobsen!

Brits on their way to vacationland Saturday decided the flight was too risky. They did not at all trust the two men. Therefore, they forced the pilot not to leave the ground.

One hundred fifty passengers felt safer on land than air. Two Muslim terrorist types were the cause of it all.

And just what are “Muslim terrorist types”?  Well, from the news article from which Pastor Swank got this story, we learn that they are “men of Asian appearance apparently talking Arabic.”  Yes, all men who look Asian and speak a language which might be Arabic (or possibly Russian or Hebrew, or something like that) are not only terrorists, but also Muslims, since you can apparently deduce a person’s religion from his race and his jacket.

And, per Pastor Swank, it’s about time that you “grass roots” realized that all Muslims are murderous demons who are planning to kill you. 

Islam is proving itself to be too weird to tolerate.

I think the only response to the above is “It takes one to know one.”

The plane mutiny is a reflection of the peace world’s thinking. In time, the entire peace community should get the harsh facts that Islam is out to do us all in.

Okay, Islam is out to do us in, so  what should the peace community do about it?
Well, per the good Pastor, the liberty republics must expel all Muslims, because they’re all bad.  Every single one of them.

Therefore, in every liberty republic, citizens must make choices to protect themselves, their communities, their laws, their judicial systems, educational systems and futures.

That means ousting Muslims. None can be trusted. Why? Because even the so-called kind Muslims say and do nothing to protest their killing “brothers and sisters.” Therefore, who within a Muslim conclave can finally be trusted?
All Muslims are born to be loyal to the Koran.

And this truth about how and why Muslims are born  has caused Pastor Swank to rethink his support of the Iraq War.

Yes, he has concluded that all that talk about “freedom spread” was just a lot of hooey, because the Muslims on our side are, at the end of the day, still Muslims, and as such are Satanic monsters who deserve killing just as much as the ones who are fighting us.
And so George Bush was wrong to lead us into a war to help them – we should have just nuked the whole Middle East.  And then we should have deported everyone who looked Asian and spoke what might have been Arabic. Deported them all to hell, where they came from!

We freedom lovers were sadly mistaken about planting a democracy in Iraq. One cannot plant a democracy over Islam, the cult. One cannot plant a democracy over Islam, the cult. That is why there is not one Muslim democracy on the planet. Democracy won’t fit. Freedom is the antithesis to cultic, demonic practices prescribed by the Koran. […]
Therefore, America should admit that a huge mistake was made in Iraq.

So, is Pastor Swank, the most fervent of Bush supporters, the guy who used to write five pieces a week praising the President’s wisdom and courage, now claiming that George made a huge mistake, and we should bring the troops home ???

Yup, pretty much.

You know, the Bush White House must be totally depressed about now, because when you’ve lost Pastor Grant Swank, it means that not even your mother supports you anymore.

Bush needs to admit that he made a mistake regarding his understanding of Islam. I personally believe that in his soul he knows that now far too much. So does Tony Blair. Then they need to admit their error and go forward to support our troops by bringing them home.

Remember when only traitors like Congressman Murtha used to say stuff like that?

2.  Dr. Miks S. Adams, Ph.D.:”Colleges for Jews to Avoid, Part I“

Thesis: Jews should avoid colleges where anybody on the faculty has called for a peace settlement between Israel and its enemies.

But more importantly, the military should waive its age, health, and psychological fitness standards and draft Dr. Mike, because he could kill thousands of those Muslim terrorists, if only he was sent to Iraq and given enough bullets.

Excerpts:

Over the course of my life, I have pondered many improbable situations. For example, what would it be like to play first base for the Atlanta Braves?

Translation: Despite all the brooding he does about those who have wronged him, and all intense satisfaction he gets from the hours he spends imagining their fiery deaths, Dr. Mike is really just a regular guy who enjoys the sane wholesome sporting events that you do. Really!

What would it be like to work as Anna Kournikova’s live-in masseuse?

Translation: Despite his hatred of women, and his fear of vaginas, Dr. Mike is very much a lady’s man, and he loves the babes. Really!

Just how many Muslim terrorists could I kill if the military would ignore my age and let me serve as a sniper?

Translation: When they set up canned hunts of swarthy people who speak what might be Arabic, Dr. Mike will so be there!

But I never pondered what life would be like as a Jewish student at the University of Texas at Austin – that is, until I read a letter written by 27 anti-Semites and self-hating Jews who teach there. The letter – addressed to Secretary of State Condi Rice – is reproduced below in its entirety.

Translation: Dr. Mike is going to try to get paid for a whole column, while only contributing about 100 words of his own. But don’t you try doing anything like that in any of his classes, you lazy snot-nosed punks!

3.  John Stossel: “Leave the decadent businessman alone!“

Thesis: Successful businessmen should be able to sexually harass women if they want to – after all, they’re rich!

Sub-thesis: There should be an official droit de seigneur policy at “20/20.” 

Excepts:

Dov Charney is a fast-talking 36-year-old entrepreneur whose company has a loose, sexy atmosphere. As you might guess, some former workers have sued him for sexual harassment.
Charney pays his 4,000 employees, mostly immigrants, an average $12.75 an hour, plus subsidized lunches, health care, and free English classes.
[…]
Charney feels free to engage in sexual relationships with staff members. “If it’s a truly consensual loving relationship,” he says, “there’s nothing wrong with it. I think that those relationships can be very healthy and are very much part of living in a free world.”

Yes, immigrant women, having sex with the boss is very much part of living in a free world.  Remember that!

But in today’s highly policed workplace, that belief brought Charney trouble. Three women who used to work for him sued, claiming he created a “hostile environment.” The plaintiffs say they were made to feel unwelcome, and Charney is accused of dropping his pants and revealing his underwear.
Charney told me, “I’ve never had any intimate intentions with these women. I never propositioned them in any way. All of these allegations are false.”

Of course, the women never said that he had “Intimate intentions” with them, they saidthat he gave them vibrators (shades of Bill O’Reilly!), invited them to masturbate with him, and he exposed himself to them.

But, per Stossel, that doesn’t mean they should be allowed to sue him, because “If you don’t like the atmosphere in a workplace, don’t work there.”

However, our stupid nanny state won’t let a bold,paternalistic entrepreneur like Charney rule his plantation as he sees fit. Damn it, it’s hardly worth being a boss anymore! 

Freedom is the most important thing. But now Charney is a maverick swimming against the tide of Big Government with its endless laws telling us how to live, what we may say, and even whom we can look at sexually.
Do the bureaucrats and labor lawyers really know best?
We’ll be better off when we can paraphrase what Jonathan Edwards said in his 1970s song “Sunshine”: “They can’t even run their own lives. I’ll be damned if they’ll run mine.”

Um, John honey, ”Sunshine” is about a rich guy who tries to run the lives of his workers — and how, after the revolution, we’ll all know where the “fruits of what we do” are going. So, John, are you sure this is the song you wanted to quote in this piece?

But you have proven your creds as a brave, young rebel by quoting both a pop song from the1970s AND a line from Ayn Rand in the same column.  I’m sure you’ll be getting lots of that sweet workplace sex too, now.

4. Meghan Cox Gurdon: “Kitchen Confidential“

When not reviewing children’s books for the Wall Street Journal, Meghan reviews anti-feminist books for The Weekly Standard. (She’s versatile, you see.)

This time she’s reviewing To Hell with All That: Loving and Loathing Our Inner Housewifeby Caitlin Flanagan. The piece’s subtitle, “Inside every feminist, a woman yearns to break free,” gives us a pretty good idea of what she thinks the moral we should take from the book is going to be.

I am aware that the words “candid memoir” have come to imply, in our memoir-littered literary landscape, ever-darker revelations of neglect, debauchery, and (if the publisher is lucky) incest.

Then we’ll take a moment right now to congratulate the future publishers of the inevitable memoirs of Victrola, Heliotrope, Dyspepsia, and Brock Samson Gurdon.

That’s what people seem to want to read, but, mercifully, Flanagan does not reveal anything so gruesome. What she does reveal, though, is in its effect plenty grim. You may laugh out loud at many passages–I certainly did–but what the book says about modern American women may make you want to bang your head against a wall.

I’m guessing that Flanagan says that modern women very rarely weave their own linen sheets these days, and they don’t wear attractive house dresses and pearls while they order the maid to mop and wax the floors. 

First, the good news: Flanagan is a sparkling stylist, and she is definitely on to something with her idea of an “inner housewife,” that secret part of emancipated womanhood that clings to old-fashioned feminine roles even as the outer lawyer, or whatever, rejects them. For who among us doesn’t resent the drudgery of battling squalor through repetitive acts of washing, wiping, and tidying? At the same time, what woman, in her heart of hearts, doesn’t get a weird charge out of a pile of…
Sorry, the rest of this article is available only to subscribers.

Okay, gentle readers, once again your assignment is to finish Meghan’s paragraph — tell us just what kind of a pile gives every women a weird charge in her heart of hearts?
I know you’ll do me proud with this one!
*************************************
Hey! There's a prize inside this post -- a Special Bonus Secret Decoder Doghouse Riley comment!

Well, I can’t pay attention to Meghan’s piles right now–it’s enough I had to look back to check what stupid stylistic game went into the spelling of her first name–because if the Professor Dr. Mike, Ph.D, renaissance continues around here I’m gonna become obsessed with his broadcasting reveals in the clear:

what would it be like to play first base for the Atlanta Braves?

First base! No one ever dreams of being a first baseman. That’s like saying “When I grow up, I’d like to be a NASCAR road-course specialist. Or else the guy who holds the drink cup.” First basemen are, essentially, guys with no mobility. It’s the designated hitter spot of the National League. A lot of great players finished their careers at first, but few began there–Gehrig being the prominent exception.

So why would you dream of playing first base? Well, if you’re left-handed it’s the only infield position open to you, but you could be a power-hitting outfielder or a cannon-armed young pitcher with a sexy wild streak. Why emulate John Kruk? Is Dr. Professor Mike trying to tell us he throws from the other side? Was “first base”, in the schoolyard vernacular, Dr. Mike’s bête noir, in the same way his first glimpse of female pubic hair turned Havelock Ellis off sex for sixty years?

The reader may decide, but we will note in closing that Anna Kournikova, who led the league in internet fake-nudes a generation ago, is highly unlikely to have employed a full-time live-in erotic masseur, and if she did it probably wasn’t some nerdy creep who kept spilling his oil prematurely. And speaking from personal experience, in those occasional moments, back in the 20th century, when I chanced upon a photograph of Ms Kournikova, and the mood was right, it never occured to me, nor would it to most heterosexual American males, to give her a nice neck rub. Russian lessons, maybe.

Left by Doghouse Riley on August 24th, 2006

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The "Game of Sofas" Edition

RILEY:  This is my vicious direwolf, Chenille.  He's a trained killer, and will rip you apart at my command!"

RILEY:  Chenille -- look!  It's Moondoggie!  Get him!

MOONDOGGIE:  Heyyyyyy...You're telling your direwolf to get me!  Aren't you?

RILEY:  Oh relax, ya big drama queen.  I'm just kidding.

RILEY:  Or am I...?

Happy Birthday, S.Z.! I got you Alicia Keys!

Wait. I just checked the receipt, and it looks like I got you Alan Keyes.  Sorry about that.

Anyway, today is the natal anniversary of our beloved Sheri Zollinger, founder of World O' Crap, co-author of Better Living Through Bad Movies, and rescuer of more stray and distressed animals than Marshall Thompson in Daktari.

As longtime readers know, s.z. (as she was originally code-named) is amazingly smart, inexhaustibly funny, and impossibly kind; and the closest thing to a saint one can come to without actually being canonized, martyred, or cast in resin and glued to a dashboard.

Astronaut/Supermodel/Spy (artist's conception).

Now, as it turns out, only one of those three professional appellations is true (I'll let you guess which one), which is also true of RenewAmerica's Alan Keyes:

Ambassador/Senator/President

But Alan has apparently been reading Harry Turtledove's Alternate History novels, and has hatched a plan to make his fantasy resume come true, and corner the Stolen Underpants market at the same time!

'A Bucket Brigade': The most simple, feasible way to take back America!

Step 1:  Find an Alternate Historian who will confirm that if Alan had trounced Barack Obama in the 2004 Illinois Senate race, rather than vice versa, then he, not  Obama, would have become the First Black President of the United States.

Step 2:  Quote David Niven's lament from the end of The Prisoner of Zenda, "Fate doesn't always make the right man king."

Step 3:  Impeach President Obama!  ("Impeachment must be the centerpiece of the 2014 elections — and candidates for both houses must sign a pledge to impeach!")

Step 4:  ???

Step 5:  Become President!

But I kid, Alan.  Actually, he's worked out a much more comprehensive business plan than the Underpants Gnomes:  Once we have a pledge to impeach! in place, Alan will make the following move in this tri-level chess game played with Death for the fate of America Herself:

Boehner must be dumped as Speaker and replaced with the next president of the United States, whoever that may be, chosen by the House — the 'people's chamber'!

Wait, wait, wait -- aren't we getting ahead of ourselves here?  How are we going to impeach the president, when none of the putative scandals on which impeachment would have hinged have turned out to be actual crimes or misdemeanors, high or otherwise?

WND.com is reporting on the activities of people who have been gathering on highway and other overpasses in different parts of the country with signs advocating the impeachment of Barack Obama. 

Of course!  While the impeachment advocates may not prevail in the courts or the Senate, they can still win a stunning legal victory in the overpasses!

So what are we charging President Obama with, anyway?  Well, according to Alan, it's everything from "Their national health policy's violation of the free exercise of religion with respect to the practice of abortion;" to "Their military policy's suppression of militarily innocuous religious practices by military personnel, in violation of the 1st Amendment;" to "Their social policy's enforced acceptance of homosexual marriage, disparaging and denying the God-endowed rights of the natural family, which the Constitution's 9th Amendment plainly forbids."

By demonstrating their strong feelings on this subject, the people gathering at overpasses throughout the nation are taking an important first step toward achieving the result America requires.

And if it takes a bit longer than anticipated, and they're still standing out there in February, and get bored and start bombing passing cars with empty pint bottles of peach brandy, well, as Robespierre said, "You can't make an omelet without breaking a few windshields."

Obama and his minions can and should be impeached and removed from office. The process could begin in short order, within a few weeks of the time the new Congress convenes in 2015. The aim would be to achieve a simple majority of representatives in the U.S. House willing to impeach Obama and his minions, and two-thirds of the Senators in the U.S. Senate willing to remove them.

Then we all go out for a light lunch.  Simple!  Once we get the Overpass People on our side, we can't lose!  (Hm.  "Overpass People" sounds a little on the Gay 70s Disco side...we need a strong, heroic name for this Justice League of patriots who are defending us all by gathering to petition the freeway for a redress of grievances, all while maintaining a minimum vertical clearance of 16 feet.

This is all well and good, but how does it get Alan that presidency he was cheated out of?

Let's say that when the smoke clears after the 2014 election, candidates who have pledged to initiate impeachment in Congress have been elected in sufficient numbers. Let's call them the "bucket brigade" for short.

Sure, why not?  It's less likely to get bleeped than my suggestion.

[T]he first step of the "bucket brigade" would be to elect, as Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives, the person they believe best suited to take over the Office of President of the United States. This could be any qualified person in the U.S., since the Speaker does not have to be a member of the House.

Ahhh, I see where he's going with this -- and I have to admit, it's a brilliant, or brilliantly lazy, scheme!  Not only does Alan not have to run for the Presidency to become President, he doesn't even have to win a crappy little House election.  He merely needs Congress to elevate him to the third highest office in the land by acclamation, then immediately to the highest office, bypassing Joe Biden, who will presumably return from a routine tooth-whitening appointment to be confronted by the perplexing sight of an entirely different black guy in the Oval Office.

So the overpass demonstrators are right to assume that we cannot and should not wait until 2016 to refresh our political life.

The Tree of Liberty is looking a little wilted, so considering opening a vein today, Patriots.

The key to success is to demand that candidates take a solemn oath to impeach and remove those who are conniving to overthrow our Constitution, trample our unalienable rights, and rape us of our national birthright, which is God-acknowledging liberty. Find and swear-in the "bucket brigade."

By the way, don't make the mistake of swearing in an actual bucket brigade; or if you do, at least wait until they've put out the fire before you start demanding they swear oaths and touch your bible.

President-doesn't-need-to-be-elect Keyes's column wraps up with an Afterward from Stephen Stone, President of RenewAmerica, who explains how this time, impeachment will really, really work, and make the entire country, even Democrats, even people who want a Black President, turn their backs on Obama.  And when they do, who will they see standing there...?

You know you want me.

But it's kind of long, and not really Birthday Card quality, so we'll just end with our fondest wish that Sheri has a wonderful day, free of cord-chewing cats and projectile-pooping puppies.

Happy birthday, s.z.!

UPDATE:  Crap!  I almost forgot!

Sexy Birthday Lizard!