Wednesday, September 18, 2013

The FBI, Starring Efrem Zimbabwe, Jr.

Phew!  Good thing I checked my spam folder; there was an important email from FBI Director Robert S. Mueller:

Counter-terrorism Division and Cyber Crime Division J. Edgar. Hoover Building

Looks official!
Attention Beneficiary,

Oh.  Okay, it actually looks like Robert S. Mueller, who will soon be replaced by James Comey as FBI Director, is easing into his new career selling insurance.
Records show that you are among one of the individuals and organizations who are yet to receive their overdue payment from overseas which includes those of Lottery/Gambling, Contract and Inheritance.
I don't ask much of our Federal law enforcement agencies; only that they keep us safe from terrorism, uproot subversive and radical groups, and combat the scourge of organized crime. Also that they check to make sure I've received my lottery winnings from Africa.
Through our Fraud Monitory Unit we have noticed that you have been transacting with some impostors and fraudsters who have been impersonating the likes of Prof. Soludo /Mr. Lamido Sanusi of the Central Bank Of Nigeria...
Well I'm sorry, but if Prof. Soludo/Mr. Sanusi wasn't leading that Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde dual life, he wouldn't be so ripe for identity theft, would he?
Mr. Patrick Aziza, Bode Williams, Frank, Anderson...
Hamilton, Joe Frank & Reynolds...
none officials of Oceanic Bank
I'm getting to it!  Jeez!
Zenith Banks, Kelvin Young of HSBC
Centigrade Jones, Magnavox J. Orbitz, and Mrs. Apogee Pince-Nez of IHOP.
Ben of FedEx,
Ah-hah!  This is where you come a cropper, impostors and fraudsters!  I know Ben of FedEx.  Ben of FedEx was a deliveryman of mine, and you sir, are no Ben of FedEx! Although I might buy you as Judith of Bethulia, or Theodoric of York.
and some impostors claiming to be The Federal Bureau of Investigation!
The nerve.
The Cyber Crime Division of the FBI gathered information from the Internet Fraud Complaint Center (IFCC) on how some people have lost outrageous sums of money to these impostors. As a result of this, we hereby advise you to stop communication with any one not referred to you by us.
Thanks for having my back, Bob.
We have negotiated with the Federal Ministry of Finance that your payment totaling 5,900,000.00(Five Million Nine Hundred Thousand Dollars). will be released to you via a custom pin based ATM card with a maximum withdrawal limit of $15,000 a day which is powered by Visa Card and can be used anywhere in the world where you see a Visa Card Logo on the Automatic Teller Machine (ATM).
It's really going to irk that guy at the corner liquor store when I withdraw $15,000 from his ATM, probably emptying out the machine, and then only buy a pack of gum and a Yoo-Hoo.
We guarantee receipt of your payment. This is as a result of the mandate from US Government to make sure all debts owed to citizens of American and also Asia and Europe which includes Inheritance, Contract, Gambling/Lottery etc are been cleared.
The U.S. is not the world's policeman, but apparently we are the world's boiler room bill collectors.
 Below are few list of tracking numbers you can track from Delivery Company website to confirm people like you who have received their payment successfully.
1)Name Howard KeighlerTracking Number899328773367Website Name: Jody MillerTracking Number: 899571438936Website:
I can't tell you what peace of mind this gives me, Director Mueller.  I pity the scam artist faced with the near-impossible task of forging a tracking number from an unnamed company for a guy I've never heard of.
To redeem your funds, you are hereby advised to contact the ATM Card Center via email for their requirement to proceed and procure your Approval of Payment Warrant and Endorsement of your ATM Release Order on your behalf which will cost you$155 Usd only and nothing more as everything else has been taken care of by the Federal Government including taxes, custom paper and clearance duty so all you will ever need to pay is $155.00 only.
Well, if it's only $155 only.  Still, it bugs me to see how much money US Government is wasting by not going custom paperless.
Note this: you are to pay the sum of $155 before your ATM Card can be delivere to your nominated delivery address
Well, I'm convinced.  I can't possibly imagine what could shake my faith in the veracity of this letter, unless it were, oh, say, comically ill-conceived and delightfully, if unintentionally, ironic payment information.
Mr.ROBIN HOOD.(ATM Card Center Director)
Central Bank of Nigeria
Central Business District,
Cad astral Zone, federal
Capital Territory,
You sir, have made my day.   You've also inspired me to write a SF epic, just so I can set the whole thing in the Cad Astral Zone.
Contact Mobile Number: +2347030166275
Wow.  Mr. Robin Hood has a Hong Kong email address, but a Nigerian phone number.  He sure covers the waterfront.
Note: Disregard any email you get from any impostors or offices claiming to be in possession of your ATM card, you are hereby advice only to be in contact with Mr.Robin Hood. of the ATM card center who is the rightful person to deal with in regards to your payment and forward any emails you get from impostors to this office so we could act upon it immediately.
Thanks for taking time out from your core mission of protecting and defending the United States against terrorist and foreign intelligence threats, and upholding and enforcing the criminal laws of the United States, to make sure I get my ATM card.

Any final thoughts, Director Mueller?
Help stop cyber crime
It's the least I can do.


Carl said...

Mr. Robin Hood has a Hong Kong email address, but a Nigerian phone number.

An' when the people are eatin' the stuff they raise, and livin' in the houses they build - I'll be there, too."

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

And here I thought the FBI was too busy spying on terrorists to waste time helping us.

grouchomarxist said...

Quel coincidence!

Just a couple of days ago I received "Congratulation" from the UN Humanitarian Development Cash Grant program, informing me that I'd been selected for a 2.5 million dollar grant!

Payable by Ikobo ATM visa card, no less. I may have a bit of trouble locating an Ikobo ATM here in Nashville, but that's no doubt a minor detail. I can hardly wait to get my mansion and a yacht!

It's things like this that restore my faith in human generosity. See you peasants later ...

M. Bouffant said...

Hah, didn't perceive "Zimbabwe" till the second time. V. good.

You got off easy. The Hong Kong version of Director Mueller has sent me emails in which he's threatened me w/ arrest if I didn't, well, send him money, & quickly.

Scott said...

I can hardly wait to get my mansion and a yacht!

Glad to meetcha, Mr. Fudd!

And M: That's extortion! Let's get the Nigerian version of Director Mueller to arrest the Honk Kong version of Director Mueller, then turn him over to O.G. Director Mueller, who can then send him off for extraordinary rendition to one of the many Muellers stashed in CIA Black Sites around the Balkans and Near East. (I gotta say, this Mueller-cloning program has worked out much better than those Sylvester Stallone-clones from Judge Dredd.

Li'l Innocent said...

I have nothing to fear from these charlatans and fraudsters, because their financial come-ons are so gobbledygooky that they shut my brain functions down, Snap! Like that!

They do think up nice names, though not a patch on yours, Scott. Somebody was right the other day about you inheriting TBogg's World'sWorstMom name generator.