Wednesday, September 25, 2013

The Day the Clown Cried Wolf

Why is it that whenever I see the name Larry Klayman I always hear it pronounced in the voice of Jerry Lewis ("Laaaady, there's a Klaaaaaaaaayman on the stairs in the house with the thing...")?  Is it just me?  It's probably just me.  Anyway, I hope so, otherwise there's going to be a lot of barely suppressed snickering during the revolution, because Larry has sent out birther announcements for our date with destiny!  The Day of Rage, the Day of Blood, the Day of the Klaaayman is nigh:
Last Wednesday, the great usurper, Barack Hussein Obama, after having been indicted by an Ocala, Florida citizens' grand jury, was convicted by a people's court of defrauding the American people and Floridians by proffering them with a fake birth certificate.
Well, with everything from the military to prisons being turned into for-profit enterprises, I guess it was only a matter of time before the court system was privatized as well.  Thus, even though the corrupt government-run courts have thrown out all of Klaaayman's lawsuits, Obama stands convicted by the people's court, and his only hope now is to throw himself upon the mercy of Judge Wapner.
If you do choose to click on that link, you might want to turn down your speakers first, because you'll be greeted with a lengthy blast of "Do You Hear the People Sing?" from Les Miserables.  I wonder if Larry licensed the use of the song, or if perhaps we should convene a citizens' grand jury in the comment section and convict him of copyright infringement.
As readers of this column and know too well, Obama is not a natural born citizen eligible to be president of the United States, as he was not born in this country to two American citizen parents.
Of course, Obama was born in this country, and his mother was a native of Kansas -- while John McCain was born in Panama, and Mitt Romney was produced in the same Tijuana maquiladora which also manufactured Hymie from Get Smart, and nobody seemed to care -- and six previous presidents had at least one foreign-born parent, so that's obviously not a disqualification.  But while Obama was born in Hawaii, Klaaayman has discovered that it wasn't our Hawaii (you know, the one we stole for Dole), but the Hawaii of the 8th Dimension, which means that Barack (whose real first name is John) is actually a Black Lectroid from Planet 10!
 However, to justify his fraud and his elections to the highest office in the land, and after years of inquiry, in 2011 the Obama White House posted on its website a birth certificate purporting to show him having been born in Hawaii. The problem is however, according to forensic experts, the birth certificate is altered and forged.
I can see altering a real birth certificate to insert false information, or forging one completely, but if you alter a forgery, don't you just make it real again?
The day of reckoning has come.
Already?  Crap!  Why do I always wait until the last minute to do my Day of Reckoning shopping?  And why do store clerks continue to insult birthers' deeply held values by saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Day of the Rope"?
 Obama, having failed to plead in response to the indictment that was served upon him, waived his right to a jury trial. 
And just how did you serve your subpoena on the President of the United States, Larry?  Lob it over the White House fence with a tennis racket?  What's to stop the President's counsel was filing a motion to declare the subpoena invalid because your process server committed a foot fault?
Thumbing his nose at We the People, as the citizens' prosecutor, I appeared before a citizens' court judge and presented evidence from Cold Case Posse investigator Michael Zullo showing that Obama tricked voters into electing him in 2008 and 2012.
Thanks to a faint watermark on each ballot that vaguely resembled Ed McMahon, Obama fooled voters into thinking they were actually entering the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
 As a result, the citizens' judge found him guilty on two counts of falsifying information to federal and state election officials.
They also found the Cold Case Posse guilty of one count of Unintentionally Hilarious Tough Guy Name.
 He was thus sentenced to the maximum prison term for these offenses of 10 years, and ordered to immediately surrender himself into the custody of the citizens of the United States and Florida.
So acting as prosecutor, Klaaayman won his case, then turned around and -- acting as judge -- threw the book at the defendant.  I suspect the things Larry sees when he's awake are the same things Hamilton Burger imagined when he was dreaming.
Of course, Obama will not willingly obey the law of the people. He will attempt to hide behind the iron fences of the White House, perhaps cowering under his desk for fear that the people will rise up and demand his ouster.
We'll know he's succumbed to his fear of the people if we hear a faint voice cry out from the Oval Office, "Hey, look at all the gum!"
On November 19, 2013, a day that will hopefully live on in the history of our once great republic, I call upon millions of Americans who have been appalled and disgusted by Obama's criminality – his Muslim, socialist, anti-Semitic, anti-Christian, anti-white, pro-illegal immigrant, pro-radical gay and lesbian agenda – among other outrages, to descend on Washington, D.C., en masse, and demand that he leave town and resign from office if he does not want to face prison time.
Larry, I don't know how many RSVPs you've gotten for the coup yet, but I'm going to suggest you err on the side of caution and not book the big table at Olive Garden.
The millions who are being summoned to our nation's capital...
Larry, seriously, just reserve a booth.  If it turns out your message does resonate with more people then expected, we can always ask the hostess to bring over some extra chairs.
I propose bringing the victims of his reign of terror to a podium across from the White House in Lafayette Park to give their testimony on how he has singularly severely harmed and in some instances even killed their loved ones through his actions.
Frankly, it doesn't sound like a great night out, but it's gotta be funnier than the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.
The nation under Obama and even his inert and castrated political opponents, the Republican Party, have driven our country into the bowels of impending doom. The moral and ethical fabric, our economic underpinnings, and our national confidence and prestige are in the tank. 
Well, I gotta admit, with our castrati in our bowels and our underpinnings in the septic tank, things are looking pretty shitty.  And I'm no Martha Stewart, but shouldn't the ethical fabric be in the linen closet?
Now, 237 years after they signed the Declaration of Independence in my native city of Philadelphia, the nation has come full circle to the tyranny that has been imposed by a new despot, one far more evil than King George III. King George III may have been a greedy "control freak," but at least he was a Christian. 
Even better, he was insane, which makes him an American-style Christian.
Benjamin Franklin walked the walk along with the likes of George Washington, John Adams, and Thomas Jefferson. Let us now walk in their footsteps and march into to Washington, D.C., this November 19th, and rid the nation of the criminal who lurks in our White House.
I'm blocking my tricorn hat as we speak. Just one question -- who's bringing the slaves to the after party?  Franklin, Washington, and Jefferson didn't roll without their bondage bitches, and we want to keep our insurrection real.

Just a reminder:  We're having a fundraiser this week, to pay off Mary's current medical bills (and the few bills lingering from the last time she was sick), as well as get Riley to the vet and hopefully discover the cause of her sudden weight loss and other maladies.  We realize (oh do we realize) that things are tough, so if you're in no position to help, please don't worry about it.  But if do have a little cash you could throw our way, it would be deeply appreciated.  You can click on the button on the top left (or just use our our PP i.d. (scott.clevenger - at -  Or if you are not Pals with Pay, drop me an email and I'll send you our snail mail address.  Thanks.


Carl said...

Klayman uses straw men? Colour me shocked!

Tog said...

driven our country into the bowels of impending doom

Seriously? What is it with these supposed "straight-shooters" and their ever-present obsession with stuff going up the butt?

grouchomarxist said...


And that follows the sentence in which he depicts the R's as "castrated". It's a good thing Klayman and his ilk haven't a clue about the unintentional revelations in their prose. Otherwise, there'd be so much less hilarity in our world.

"Bowels of Impending Doom" would make a great name for a band, though. Or a song.

Anonymous said...

You were very kind not to mention that Klayman (aka KKKLayman) is a court approved child molester.

Anonymous said...

Found my way over here via DR C... Found your comments very amusing and worthy of a few bucks.

Scott said...

Welcome, Anon! New readers are always welcome (and needless to say, thanks for the kind donation).

trashfire said...

"Prosecutor Michael Zullo" is apparently an Australian soccer player, and a very talented and popular one at that. Which makes me wonder if this Court is really legit under Article 3 of the Constitution.

So does this Court have a Constable or Sheriff or something that's going to serve the arrest warrant at the White House? That footage is sure to go viral. Maybe the Marines guarding the gate will just hold up the yellow card for unsportsmanlike behavior.

Anonymous said...

As you predicted, Scott, Klaaaaayman should've just reserved a booth at the Olive Garden. I hope they tipped well.

~The Minx~