Thursday, September 12, 2013

Happy Birthday, S.Z.! I got you Alicia Keys!

Wait. I just checked the receipt, and it looks like I got you Alan Keyes.  Sorry about that.

Anyway, today is the natal anniversary of our beloved Sheri Zollinger, founder of World O' Crap, co-author of Better Living Through Bad Movies, and rescuer of more stray and distressed animals than Marshall Thompson in Daktari.

As longtime readers know, s.z. (as she was originally code-named) is amazingly smart, inexhaustibly funny, and impossibly kind; and the closest thing to a saint one can come to without actually being canonized, martyred, or cast in resin and glued to a dashboard.
Astronaut/Supermodel/Spy (artist's conception).

Now, as it turns out, only one of those three professional appellations is true (I'll let you guess which one), which is also true of RenewAmerica's Alan Keyes:

But Alan has apparently been reading Harry Turtledove's Alternate History novels, and has hatched a plan to make his fantasy resume come true, and corner the Stolen Underpants market at the same time!
'A Bucket Brigade': The most simple, feasible way to take back America!
Step 1:  Find an Alternate Historian who will confirm that if Alan had trounced Barack Obama in the 2004 Illinois Senate race, rather than vice versa, then he, not  Obama, would have become the First Black President of the United States.

Step 2:  Quote David Niven's lament from the end of The Prisoner of Zenda, "Fate doesn't always make the right man king."

Step 3:  Impeach President Obama!  ("Impeachment must be the centerpiece of the 2014 elections — and candidates for both houses must sign a pledge to impeach!")

Step 4:  ???

Step 5:  Become President!

But I kid, Alan.  Actually, he's worked out a much more comprehensive business plan than the Underpants Gnomes:  Once we have a pledge to impeach! in place, Alan will make the following move in this tri-level chess game played with Death for the fate of America Herself:
Boehner must be dumped as Speaker and replaced with the next president of the United States, whoever that may be, chosen by the House — the 'people's chamber'!
Wait, wait, wait -- aren't we getting ahead of ourselves here?  How are we going to impeach the president, when none of the putative scandals on which impeachment would have hinged have turned out to be actual crimes or misdemeanors, high or otherwise? is reporting on the activities of people who have been gathering on highway and other overpasses in different parts of the country with signs advocating the impeachment of Barack Obama. 
Of course!  While the impeachment advocates may not prevail in the courts or the Senate, they can still win a stunning legal victory in the overpasses!

So what are we charging President Obama with, anyway?  Well, according to Alan, it's everything from "Their national health policy's violation of the free exercise of religion with respect to the practice of abortion;" to "Their military policy's suppression of militarily innocuous religious practices by military personnel, in violation of the 1st Amendment;" to "Their social policy's enforced acceptance of homosexual marriage, disparaging and denying the God-endowed rights of the natural family, which the Constitution's 9th Amendment plainly forbids."
By demonstrating their strong feelings on this subject, the people gathering at overpasses throughout the nation are taking an important first step toward achieving the result America requires.
And if it takes a bit longer than anticipated, and they're still standing out there in February, and get bored and start bombing passing cars with empty pint bottles of peach brandy, well, as Robespierre said, "You can't make an omelet without breaking a few windshields."
Obama and his minions can and should be impeached and removed from office. The process could begin in short order, within a few weeks of the time the new Congress convenes in 2015. The aim would be to achieve a simple majority of representatives in the U.S. House willing to impeach Obama and his minions, and two-thirds of the Senators in the U.S. Senate willing to remove them.
Then we all go out for a light lunch.  Simple!  Once we get the Overpass People on our side, we can't lose!  (Hm.  "Overpass People" sounds a little on the Gay 70s Disco side...we need a strong, heroic name for this Justice League of patriots who are defending us all by gathering to petition the freeway for a redress of grievances, all while maintaining a minimum vertical clearance of 16 feet.

This is all well and good, but how does it get Alan that presidency he was cheated out of?
Let's say that when the smoke clears after the 2014 election, candidates who have pledged to initiate impeachment in Congress have been elected in sufficient numbers. Let's call them the "bucket brigade" for short.
Sure, why not?  It's less likely to get bleeped than my suggestion.
[T]he first step of the "bucket brigade" would be to elect, as Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives, the person they believe best suited to take over the Office of President of the United States. This could be any qualified person in the U.S., since the Speaker does not have to be a member of the House.
Ahhh, I see where he's going with this -- and I have to admit, it's a brilliant, or brilliantly lazy, scheme!  Not only does Alan not have to run for the Presidency to become President, he doesn't even have to win a crappy little House election.  He merely needs Congress to elevate him to the third highest office in the land by acclamation, then immediately to the highest office, bypassing Joe Biden, who will presumably return from a routine tooth-whitening appointment to be confronted by the perplexing sight of an entirely different black guy in the Oval Office.
So the overpass demonstrators are right to assume that we cannot and should not wait until 2016 to refresh our political life.
The Tree of Liberty is looking a little wilted, so considering opening a vein today, Patriots.
The key to success is to demand that candidates take a solemn oath to impeach and remove those who are conniving to overthrow our Constitution, trample our unalienable rights, and rape us of our national birthright, which is God-acknowledging liberty. Find and swear-in the "bucket brigade."
By the way, don't make the mistake of swearing in an actual bucket brigade; or if you do, at least wait until they've put out the fire before you start demanding they swear oaths and touch your bible.

President-doesn't-need-to-be-elect Keyes's column wraps up with an Afterward from Stephen Stone, President of RenewAmerica, who explains how this time, impeachment will really, really work, and make the entire country, even Democrats, even people who want a Black President, turn their backs on Obama.  And when they do, who will they see standing there...?
You know you want me.

But it's kind of long, and not really Birthday Card quality, so we'll just end with our fondest wish that Sheri has a wonderful day, free of cord-chewing cats and projectile-pooping puppies.

Happy birthday, s.z.!

UPDATE:  Crap!  I almost forgot!
Sexy Birthday Lizard!


ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

We've replaced President Obama with Alan Keyes. Let's see if Joe Biden notices!

P.S. Why a duck?

Ivan G Shreve Jr said...

Happy birthday, S.Z.! I miss you around the blog but in your absence, Scott is doing an amazing says here.

All seriousness aside -- the most joyous of natal anniversaries to ya...

R. Porrofatto said...

Gee, this bucket brigade impeachment thing sounds like just the thing we need to take back America. But gosh, I bet it's going to be real expensive! I wonder how a RenewAmerican such as myself can make a sizeable non-tax deductible donation to this worthy cause. Might there be a handy PayPal link somewhere? Alan?

And Happy Birthday!

Doc Logan said...

A magnificently joyous birthday to you, s.z.! Seems like just yesterday I had memorized the URL for the Salon version of W O'C. It was my favorite spot on the web then, and still is. Thanks for founding World O' Crap, and for leaving it in such good hands.

Scott said...

I had a bet going with myself that the very first commenter would step up and handle the obligatory Why A Duck? joke -- but I never expected a Folgers Crystals reference too! My cup runneth over.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

HOLY SHIT!!! Late to the fucking party as always, but at least I won't be inadvertently murdering THIS thread --- it's too fucking IMPORTANT, this thread, these comments, because they pay homage to a woman who will ALWAYS be one of my top-6 heroines and who is widely beloved, admired and envied by the entire fucking blogosphere, solar system, galaxy, universe, multi-verses, YOU NAME IT. Even the nutless reich-wing cum-dumpsters of Little Gangrenous Fucktards OWE THIS WOMAN ***EVERYTING***, every Rush-Fatfuck-Limbaugh-wannabe "media"-whore/REAL-whore/OPIATE-WHORE on earth ASPIRES to be worthy of being allowed to so much as READ the wonder that is Sheri Zollinger.

Supermodel, astronaut, CIA operative (wet AND dry! Hand-wash and HANG TO DRY!), sharper-than-a-claymore wit-to-be-envied-even-by-Bill-Almighty-Fucking-Randy-Pan-The-Goat-Boy HICKS!!!, patron saint to every critter on earth, be they furry, finned, flying or fat, she is the Alpha and Omega of what a blogger should be, beyond that by light-years to what every HUMAN BEING and even republicunts SHOULD ALWAYS FUCKING ASPIRE TO BECOME!!!

I promise to return and read your beautifully amazing, and as always, gut-laugh funny and kicked-in-the-nards tear-jerkingly/achingly tender/truly deeply intensely HUMAN tribute as only Scott can do, I swear upon the head of my most-spoiled-rotten part-time-feral/mostly-tame-but-cocky-as-hell "outside kitteh" BOB, aka "Ginger Bobka"!!! Plus, there is SUCH an awe-inspiring wealth of love, wisdom, smart-assery, jackassery, idiocy, brilliance & glad-I'm-wearing-my-Poise-pantiliner-all-out-fucking-HILARITY in the comments here and the hearts of the commenters who love S.Z. so very much and for so many true & wunnerful reasons, I simply MUST, in order to continue to "live," if you can call this "living" (just ME, not anything related to being a small, lame part of the wunnerful World O'Crap!) --- return JUST to read, grok, and reap mountains of inspiration from the commenters' paeans to S.Z. Y'all are just that fucking good, speaking to and of such a fab-fucking-tabulous subject, that you do credit to the entire innernets toobs just by showing up. I am awed, shamed, and riddled with brittle envy at your mastery of language, humor, callback in-jokes & political farcery, and will be forevermore.


Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

(yes, I am THAT fucking merciless/contemptible, that I just fucking KEEP GOING with my pointless & unfunny blathering, but at least I am still TRYING, for you and you alone, my beloved Family O'Crap!)


I love you, S.Z., I miss your e-mails like I miss oxygen, I miss your posts like humans would miss their hearts (being an alien hyperlexic freak, I dunno what it's LIKE to have one of them "heart" thingys), and since you will NEVER stop, for one second, to even so much as PAUSE in your bone-crushing, back-breaking labor to save & heal so many mistreated/neglected/abused animals, I am secure in knowing that YOUR neighborhood/tri-state-area WILL **NEVER** HAVE an animal dying alone in the street BECAUSE NOBODY GIVES ENOUGH OF A FUCK TO SO MUCH AS *STOP* AND FUCKING *TRY* TO HELP!! That shit will NEVER happen on YOUR watch, and if it hadn't been for your inspiration, they prolly never would've been able to sucker me into being Cat Haven's bitch covering a THREE-PARISH AREA, and then to come home to New Orleans, TWICE, and then become ground zero for every abandoned/abused/neglected/escaped kitteh in a 2-square-mile area, NEVER MY IDEA, THEY JUST SOMEHOW FUCKING **FIND** ME!! (prolly 'cause of my being marked by that damned TIGER @ teh B.R. zoo in 1973!!!) --- without your guidance, invaluable advice, depthless wisdom and heart the size of all of the square states put together, I'd never have stood a fucking CHANCE at this kitteh work, nor would I have survived all of the bites, maulings, gashings, shreddings, etc. at the fast-flying pinpoint-accuracy of paws & claws of every TRUE feral anywhere near me, nor the ACTUAL "cat-scratch fever" that they've given me at least twice. And yes, chirrens, there IS such a REAL THING as "CAT-SCRATCH FEVER," and it has NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH YET ANOTHER DICKLESS-WONDER *TED NUGENT* "SONG" ABOUT RAPING UNDERAGED GIRLS AND THEN ***BRAGGING*** ABOUT IT!!! Were it not for S.Z., I would never have survived it nor recovered enough to go back in there to try and wrangle/herd/cutting-horse-control VICIOUS, PINPOINT-ACCURACY-SLASHERS, ACTUAL *FERAL* CATS!!!

You have saved my life in more than one way, S.Z., and I will always be in your debt, no matter how many times that I have to be reincarnated to punish me for whatever I did in one of my previous lives as "Dr." Mengele or Joan Rivers when she was "FUNNY" (150 years ago!) or perhaps even as PRESCOT MOTHERFUCKING BUSH, the only motherfucker evil enough to JUSTIFY what I've gotten in THIS "life," if anyone calls it that.

Thank you, S.Z. So much.

All my love,


(BWUAAAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!! My "prove yer not a robot" word is "NOBSIT" - as in, "TO SIT UPON SOMEONE'S **KNOB**"!!!!!! Heh heh heh... no, it's not funny 'cause I'm sleep-deprived or on the VERY WRONG clusterfuck-cocktail of prescription-poison DRUGS, it's funny 'cause even though I've stayed RETIRED from sex/dating/fucking/etc. for OVER SEVEN FUCKING YEARS, I can *STILL* find a fucking DIRTY JOKE in literally ***ANY***FUCKING***THING***!!!!!! What can I say... it's a gift AND a curse, but WAY the fuck more a curse.)

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

And, of course, what would one of my world's-slowest-drive-by-joke-of-a-comment-post clusterfucks BE without me having to, as always, BITCH ABOUT THE FAILURE OF THESE FUCKING COMMENTS WIDGETS TO ***EVER*** GET THEIR OWN FUCKING HTML CODES ***RIGHT***?!?!?!?!?!?! The above comment attempts MIGHT have stood a small, withery, wimpy, wind-whipped chance at something RESEMBLING "humor," dammit. Yes, they sure as fuck COULD HAVE, dammit --- SHADDUP!!!

maryclev said...

I'm a little more late to the party than usual, but here I go: A VERY Happy Birthday to one of the most delightful, kind, caring, hilarious person I know.

And now my impression of that little kid from SHANE:

SZ! Come back SZ!

Carl said...

Happy birthday, sz!

Weird Dave said...

What Annti said.

grouchomarxist said...


Someone once told me the hobo sign for a house where they could cadge a free meal was a stick figure of a cat, scratched on the fence post. I bet the feline sign for the same is a hobo, drawn in visible-only-to-cats ink on our doorsteps.

My B-i-L's cat once tangled with a skunk, and -- foolishly -- he (B-i-L, that is) thought a bath would help. When he saw blood in the water, he thought the cat had been injured in the encounter. Then he realized it was his blood ...

Many happy returns, s.z.!

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday, sz, from one of your many devoted fans,on behalf of all critters you have cared for.
PS What Annti said.

D. Sidhe said...

Happy (late) birthday, SZ. We do desperately miss you, but know that this internet home you created is still a marvelous place, full of people and critters and, yes, sexy birthday lizards, who love you.

I'm not sure what to say about Alan Keyes, though. Because, Scott, man. You know how to bring the crazy to a party.

heydave said...

Inexcusably late, my dearest S.Z. But you know that I still love you.

Happy Belated!