Nevertheless, I opened my email this morning and the first thing I saw was Eventful.com screaming at me: "Don't Miss Laura Bush at the Staples Center!" This led to a moment of pre-coffee confusion, because a lot of Eventful's events (at least the ones I hear about) are concert performances by lesser known troubadours and troubadesses, fringe comics, or theatrical productions of the off- and off-off Broadway type. So naturally, I assumed Laura was getting away from George and his obsessive herbicidal tendencies (it's one thing to incessantly clear brush on the ranch as a means of avoiding intimacy, but it's a different matter in the tony Dallas suburb in which they now live, because the trees and shrubs are stately and mature, and when his Weedwhacker proves impotent he'll often get sullen and pouty), taking her act on the road, and performing her One Woman Show, "I Ran Over a Man in Midland, Just to Watch Him Die."
Sadly, she's just part of an itinerant Business Seminar, but it's an impressive line-up, sort of the Cream or Traveling Wilburys of motivational speaker tours.
At this workshop you will learn:Naturally, I couldn't resist a sales pitch like this, so I clicked through and discovered this sales pitch was designed to sell a seminar teaching you how to craft and deliver a sales pitch, presumably so you could then pitch people on taking your seminar which offers to sell them pitches they can use in making sales. Frankly, Get Motivated ought to replace their current logo (a stylized masochist leaping for joy as he's whipped with a Red Vine) with Ouroboros, because after reading their sales pitch pitching sales pitches, I couldn't get the taste of snake-ass out of my mouth.
- Cutting-Edge Business Skills
- Relationship & Personal Development
- Goal Achievement
- Wealth-Building Strategies
- And Much, More More!
Let's see how each speaker uses his own unique experience and expertise to motivate people who are trying to overcome the depressing thought that they are now $225 poorer.
Bill Cosby is one of the most popular entertainers of our time. "The Cos" has been making America laugh for decades. In his side-splitting session, you'll discover the master keys to using humor to create agreement, close the deal and advance in your career.In Cosby's trademark style, he will explain how the seemingly nonsensical lyrics to "Hikky Burr," the theme song of his 1969-71 sitcom, were actually a secret message to the reptoid Illuminati, volunteering his services (literary translated, "Hikky Burr" means "I’d like to remind you that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in your underground sugar caves"). The Global Elite ultimately accepted The Cos's offer, and from the mid-80s to the early 90s, he would appear on television each week in a different sweater, whose hideous and incomprehensible patterns were designed to convey coded data to the Queen Mother.
Lou Holtz RENOWNED NOTRE DAME HEAD COACH. He will show you:
How to Turn Workplace Stress into Gridiron Success
Hm. That seems like less of a sales pitch, and more of a beanball thrown directly at the head.
General Colin PowellColin Powell is one of the most distinguished and admired men in America.
World-Famous Soldier Statesman
As a four-star General, chairman of Joint Chiefs of Staff, and Secretary of State Gen. Powell has experienced leadership at the highest levels.Not that anybody actually told him anything. At least, nothing that might make him an accessory.
Gen. Powell shows you precisely what it takes to be a leader, providing strategies for "taking charge" during times of great change.This sounds familiar. I believe I already sat through this seminar when it was given by another general -- Al Haig, I think, or Augusto Pinochet.
So if you've ever wondered how far a crack vial full of Arm & Hammer and a PowerPoint presentation featuring blurry images of weaponized Good Humor trucks can take you, the answer is: the Los Angeles Staples Center, and the Citizens Business Bank Arena in Ontario, California (For One Night Only!).He will show you:
- How to Improve Processes, Organizations and People
- How to Remain Focused in Crisis
- How to Forge Winning Alliances [Don't forget Poland!]
- Keys to Creating Diplomatic Solutions
Among them are: #4: "Overruled!" and #7: "If my demands aren't met, I'm gonna start tossing out bodies every fifteen minutes!"
Krish DhanamKrish Dhanam acclaimed sales trainer, will give you income-producing gems to improve your sales and negotiation skills.
Top Sales Expert
He will show you:
- 8 Specific Phrases that Eliminate Objections
Grow a big bushy beard, leverage existing contacts to increase your network, and sprinkle your speech with action words like "consarnit!" and "dadgummit!"
- How to Master the Art of Prospecting
Later in the program, he and General Powell will strip down to their jockstraps and wrestle in corn oil to determine who's more distinguished.
General McChrystalStanley McChrystal is one of the most decorated and distinguished Generals of our time.
Celebrated Four Star General
And just when we think we're out -- he pulls us back in.
Rudy GiulianiRudy Giuliani provided strength at a defining time in American history as he helped lead New York - and the U.S. - out of the devastation that followed the attacks on 9-11.
If you haven't had a chance, please check out Annti's piece below on Billy the Kid vs. Dracula, and leave a comment letting us know which movies you'd most like to see us tackle in the sequel to Better Living Through Bad Movies (currently under construction).
- 8 Drug Cocktail recipes that relieve the need to blink and will finally allow you to win that staring contest with your cat.