Friday, February 24, 2012

Emergency! (Not the One With Randolph Mantooth)

I need to step out of character (and these Spanx -- they're killing me) and pass on some serious and seriously bad news:  one of our own is about to become homeless.  And not the cool kind of homeless, where you lounge around on fashionable Kalakaua Avenue in Waikiki and force Dr. Diane Medved to step over you on her way into Fendi.

Our dear, beloved Anntichrist S. Coulter is being evicted on March 6th, and has 11 days to move her remaining possessions into storage -- to say nothing of finding some place to store herself -- and she urgently needs our help.

Long time Crappers know Annti well.  She was one of the earliest adopters of Wo'C -- in fact, I can't remember a time when her fluently profane rants weren't lighting up the comments section -- and we also know that she's kind, concerned, utterly decent, and the first to offer assistance to anyone in need.  But some may not be familiar with all she's done, and the fact that her generosity of spirit is largely responsible for the situation she's in now.

Annti was in a crippling car accident when she was younger, and had to have her spine pieced back together with Restoration Hardware.  She didn't let that stop her, of course; at least, not until Hurricane Katrina hit.  While George Bush was giving Brownie a reach-around at a photo op, Annti was going without sleep, loading up her truck, and shuttling supplies to refugees and the LSU Veterinary School emergency shelter.  She kept at it ceaselessly until -- and even after -- the screws, rods, plates, and Delta faucets in her spine began to break.

The damage was never completely, or even adequately, repaired, and her health and mobility have deteriorated ever since, eventually forcing her to go on disability and into public housing.  Now she's lost even that.

Mary and I gave what we could, and if you're able, please give Annti a hand.

For some reason I can't directly link to her Pay the Pal page, but you can go to her blog, Mark of the Beast, and click the button on the right. If that doesn't work, her email address, for Pal Paying Purposes, is velvetgutter-at-hotmail-dot-com.

Thanks.  I apologize for the scanty posting lately, and promise to do better next week.  And as further thanks, once we get Annti through this rough patch, I'll be posting a new cat video, which may be our most epic production ever!  (I don't want to give too much away, but here's a hint: Dr. Tongue.)


Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Oh, Scott.

You may have achieved a miracle... I'm actually, at least somewhat, speechless.

I know. Weird as hell, huh.

If you were aiming at making me cry with appreciation and love and joy, son, you did it. Even if no one had been able to chip in a dime, this post would still keep me warm on these colder-than-a-well-digger's-ass-in-Montana nights. Seriously. I am so touched, and feel so loved, and if anybody makes a dirty joke out of that, I'm coming to camp-out in YOUR driveway!


Before I even got here to read this truly priceless post that made me so damned grateful to have friends like you, Scott, Sheri & Mary & Keith, I hit my Hotmail account, and LURKERS have turned-off their cloaking devices and sent everything that they could spare! You KNOW that you are fucking LOVED when the LURKERS come out into the daylight!!!

Humongous and heartfelt thanks to these wunnerful humans, and if they didn't reveal their online nics, I'm just using initials, as nobody deserves to have their privacy compromised as "thanks" for having helped a fuckup like me.

S.H., MD lurker extraordinaire, whom I've never had the privilege of meeting, but whose help will never be forgotten, thank you! And please NEVER apologize for not being able to help more, that you even cared enough to WANT to help means the world to me!

E.S., another wunnerful lurker, from "Grimm" country (keep yer eyes open for the non-friendly bluet-baden!), bless you for your generosity and kindness, and may all the critters who cross your path be the nice ones!

L.G. from PA, I dunno what I've ever done to deserve such kindness from semi-strangers (hey, whether you lurk around here or got here through FB, it's that you CARE that counts!), but you are amazing and so appreciated!

My dearest darling Nadine, (please forgive me for blanking on your online nic, baby, I'm TOTALLY dain-bread and in pain, so I hope that you can overlook my stoopidity!) that snarky, beautiful-smiley, witty and twisted and kitteh-loving wonder, I will be thrilled to someday meet you and Ms. Queen Zoe and will happily skritch & scratch her belleh until she purrs herself into kitteh-Nirvana! Thank you, m'love! And come around more often and snark our brains out!

And Laurie S., friend o'Scott, you are SO appreciated and it really does fill-up the charred, gnarled-up, lighter-knots-in-hell hunk o'coal that I call a "heart" with genuine warmth, gratitude, and the knowledge that I am TRULY blessed and privileged to get to meet and to be helped by such an amazing person as yourself. And I'm DAMNED grateful that Scott has such amazing friends, especially somebody who's survived the same kind of seemingly COMPLETELY-unregulated BULLSHIT and who gets it. I know that I'm hardly the first or only Wo'Crapper who's been "between addresses" or illegally deprived of government-subsidized (outta the FICA & taxes that we've ALL paid, dammit!) housing, or just flat-out fucked-over by lower-life-form nematode fucking SLUMLORDS, but your reaching out to a total stranger, simply because you're a good person, is a truly precious commodity in a severely jacked-up universe.


Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

(Where was I again... ?)

Lastly but hardly leastly, Scott & Mary, y'all not only give me ***SO*** MUCH of your time, your unending patience, your tech support, your beautiful snark, your love, your friendship, and a bottomless well of pure kindness and inimitable wicked wit, I am always a much richer person just for the privilege of having known y'all. And then Scott puts up a fundraising plea that turns out to be better than the most amazing sonnet, that does more for my heart & "soul" than anything I've read in YEARS (short of Mentis knowing EXACTLY when to send me a DVD of "BLACK SHEEP," without a doubt ***THE*** funniest, sickest, most-bizarre thing to EVER come outta New Zealand, INCLUDING Riff-Raff, of course...) --- probably, and maybe I'm a little biased here, but fuckit, it's still true --- probably one of the best posts I've read in AGES, by ANYONE...

Y'all not only do all of THAT for me, but then you chip-in to the fund, too! I am sooooo coming back as Riley in my next life... I can never adequately repay your endless support, encouragement, love, and blog-generated & personal generosity, but if I can at least come somewhere NEAR the awesomeness that is Her Majesty, and return y'all's love from on high as Riley always does, then maybe, just maybe, my existence on this plane will be worth something. And, stolen/paraphrasing directly from SomeECards: "Y'all are the friends I'd feel the worst about killing in a post-apocalyptic death match for food."

Plus, if we are ***ever*** reduced to/forced into playing ROLLERBALL in order to survive, I will HAPPILY throw myself under LL Cool J's wheels so that Y'ALL *will* win, if any such help is actually needed...

All of y'all who've been so kind, generous, and loving to me, I thank you, truly, from the bottom of my cold, dead heart, and hope to someday be able to not only repay your kindness, but to also hit the powerball and bring an entire CARAVAN of Bio-Willie buses alll of this country and perhaps shipped to Europe and New Zealand as well, so that I can finally meet y'all in PERSON, and to be able to share the experience and the joy with ALL of y'all!!! It's a silly fantasy, I know, all of the powerball fantasies are, in some form or another, but hey, at least it gives me SOMETHING to hope for and look forward to, when everything else is a giant shit-stain.


Anntichrist S. Coulter said...


Shutting the hell up now, as "shit-stain" isn't exactly how one ends a gratitude list, but thank you thank you thank you THANK YOU ALL so VERY FUCKING MUCH!!!!!!

With what y'all have donated thus far, I can almost put down part of a deposit on a new apartment, even if Quadel/Start Corp don't approve/chip-in their damned selves. As long as they take subsidized tenants and they're in Orleans Parish, I am THERE! I'm going to wait until the actual eviction before plunking down the fifty bucks or so on a TENT and a new tarp (those FEMA tarps really DON'T last that long, do they...), but no matter where I end-up, y'all have ensured that Biddy-Cat and I will be warm and ENCLOSED, which means that I'll never have to go through double-fucking-PNEUMONIA *EVER* the fuck AGAIN!!! Her Majesty is no fan of the harness-and-leash bit, but she'll adapt. She & her late bubbe/brother have been through 14 years of ups and downs and outright hell with me, she sure as hell won't ditch me NOW!

And as of tomorrow, I am getting a cell phone, whether it's a throw-away or from Bellsucks, so that I will ALWAYS be in contact to my dearly-beloveds! Without whom, of course, there would be NO hope, whatsoever. I never expected to "hope" for anything, ever the fuck again, in this lifetime, but damned if y'all didn't, well, "inject" me with it nonetheless!


P.S.: I'm fighting-off the nods/tired-lazy-eye-crossing thing, so if I've clusterfucked the HTML as usual or the typos are utterly unreadable, have no doubt that i *will* get to those PERSONAL thank-yous as soon as I get up tomorrow/ later today. I am still just SO fucking astonished, especially by the new folk and the lurkers who've decloaked... Mere words can't even BEGIN to express what I'm feeling, though I've certainly burnt-through enough of them here!

Li'l Innocent said...

Annti, honey, I just kicked in a tiny pittance with a massive sister-thought attached, because, well, humanity... and don't you go on like that about your cold heart when it's perfectly obvious that you have a heart like a big glowing sweet pumpkin! You know what I mean! (I'm saying this here because I didn't think to add a note to my PalPal thingie.)

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Thank you so much, Li'l, and I have a whole new list of people to thank, too, in just a minute, once I figure out whom I've already thanked last night (semi-consciously) and who's new in that big ol' list in my HO-mail address, including our very own Vosburg & HeyDave!!!

And aw hell, Li'l, don't go gettin' all mushy and shit on me, you know how easily I can get all bawly and pathetic when people are THAT nice to me! Besides, we all already know what a vicious, dangerous, meaner-than-a-water-moccasin bitch that I am, don't go ruining my reputation!

Much love & gratitude to you, Vosburg, HeyDave and everybody else, more-organized thanks to come in a bit!


P.S. If you can e-mail me with the name you use on PayPal, then I can send you a PROPER thank-you e-mail, Li'l!!!

And, of course, massive thanks to Scott, as well as Mary & Sheri & Keith, for sharing Wo'C with me and for going to so much trouble on my behalf!!!

joel hanes said...

Link to Annti's Paypal page

Kathy said...

Joanna: I'm still struggling to get my paypal account up and running. I actually spoke with a human being, but s/he may as well have been a soulless machine.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Joel, bless your heart, you are too, too generous!!! Not just for the contribution, but for the linkage, too!!! I'm still tit-deep in the thank-you e-mails, but I'll have the current thank-you list up here shortly.

KW, my dear darling beloved friend, you priceless woman, don't feel rushed or pressured about the PayPal thing. Remember last time, when I called them to try and get them to help you get the shit straight, and how little help that they were THEN? PLEASE don't let the twinkies get YOUR blood pressure up!!! There ARE good people, if you can get to them, in the offices in California, but you gotta wade through a lot of Filipino, India-Indian, Pakistani, and African first-level call-center dingbats FIRST. 'Cause Meg Whitman & her successors sure as HELL ain't gonna pay FICA or payroll taxes on any more people than they have to, right?!?!?

I appreciate the hell out of the EXISTENCE of PayPal, but that doesn't mean that they're perfect. And even though they damned well know where all of the Katrina money WENT, as well as that horribly-misguided fuckover "charity" fundraiser for the girl who turned-out to have NEVER had a brain tumor, nor could I get that money BACK TO THE DONORS --- any time that someone donates a substantial amount, or several people donate what they have, PayPal gets SUSPICIOUS OF *ME*, 'cause obviously I'm some sort of scamming-scumbag TELEVANGELIST OR THE LIKE. Yeah, I know, right --- HA! So they MAY be giving you shit on setting-up that new account because you're trying to help ME.

Until March 6th, snail-mail still works, my dear heart. I'll still have a bank account, and by Monday, since I wound-up injured & sleeping SIXTEEN HOURS STRAIGHT today (obviously NOT the ORIGINAL PLAN for the day!!) and teh evul Bellsucks/AT&T doesn't do bidness on Sundays, and since I already have an account with them, it'd probably be more efficient/less-expensive to get a cellphone through THEM than a throw-away phone. I'm going to pay for the storage unit for two more months on Monday, since we dunno where I'll be or when.

THEN I'm going to city court and try, despite every bit of flawed information and every direct order from StartCorp & Quadel, and try to get a 30-day forbearance or stay of eviction from civil court. Never been evicted before, and BELIEVED the StartCorp folk who told me that there was NO WAY that I could go to court in any fashion or any legal recourse against this bullshit eviction. Otherwise, yes, the storage unit would've been acquired a month ago, all of my possessions would be in it already, and I'd have gotten the stay of eviction/execution A FRIGGIN' MONTH AGO.

StartCorp were, they told me, supposed to PROTECT ME from illegal evictions/harassment/racist bullshit/etc., but they didn't, and nothing will happen to the carpetbagging scum who perpetrated it all. And on top of THAT, that "tenant liaison" LIED TO MY FACE that I ***COULD***NOT***AND***SHOULD***NOT*** get a storage unit OR start moving my property out of this shit-hole AT THE FUCK ***ALL***, which WASTED the past 21 days SINCE I GOT THE EVICTION NOTICE.

And yet, StartCorp employees blame ME for the fact that MY SHIT'S NOT IN STORAGE YET AND I HAVEN'T GONE TO COURT OVER THIS SHIT YET. I was told to "TRUST THEM" and "LET" ***THEM*** "HANDLE" EVERYTHING, and since I'm obviously dumber than they THOUGHT, having never BEEN evicted before, *I* fucking BELIEVED THEM!!!!!! And then they BLAME ME and MOCK ME for having BELIEVED THEM, so it's MY FAULT that I'm in this NINE-DAYS-LEFT BULLSHIT SUCK-HOLE OF THE UNIVERSE.


Anntichrist S. Coulter said...


Sorry for the hissy-fit y'all, but I can't talk about this well-orchestrated fuck-over without my blood pressure going up. I was moving shit around the apartment last night, packing, trying to organize, etc., for today's moving (which didn't happen, since my newly-refound friend Anthony and I *both* overslept, and his fiance' didn't even bother to wake him up on time today, so NOTHING got done today except me sleeping for 16 hours straight!), and, being distracted as always, I put one foot on a plastic hanger on the floor, it skidded out from under me, my right leg shot out straight in front of me, my left leg folded under me in the back, and my right armpit/shoulder slammed down onto a short 2-level metal shelf where I keep my towels & washcloths. Hadda pop the shoulder joint back INTO the joint (arthritis made being double-jointed WAY less fun a long time ago, but it still comes in handy sometimes!), and NO, it is NOTHING like the bullshit that Mel Misogynist Bigot Gibson did in those crappy "Lethal Weapon" movies!!! So I pulled more than a few muscles in my shoulder & back & front, made some LOVERLY new bruises, and my shoulder feels like somebody tried to yank it off with a bulldozer & marine chain. Nothing surprising about THAT, is there. Me being the most reflicted/fucktarded/diseased/injured/klutzier-than-all-fuck person that anybody knows, and all. Nothin' new.

Tomorrow, I start again, and hopefully Anthony will be here to help me break-down and move the furniture. Everything but the TV, my mattress, and Biddy Cat will go into the storage unit. Thanks to the donations, I'll be able to get a 10'X 15' space, an upgrade from the current 10'x10' that I had originally rented, which means that all of my stuff really WILL fit!!! I doubt that the storage-place office will be open tomorrow, but we'll get it figured-out and the stuff transferred by Monday at the latest. If I have to wait 'til Tuesday to go to civil court, so be it, as long as my few belongings, mostly from Nannie, Papa & Aunt Thelma, are protected.

Shutting up for now, as I have a HUGE list of thank-yous to put into these comments as soon as possible, and these people deserve way better than comments thanks, but that's what I've got available right now. If I can manage to get into & out of FaceBook fast enough, I'll link to WO'C over there, too, just to make sure that the lurkers & other new people get the itty-bitty thanks that I can send them as of now.

And a new tarp and possibly a tent. Cross y'all's fingers that some sporting-goods store will have that kinda stuff on sale! And damn FEMA for giving-out the SHITTIEST tarps on earth, too, those condescending cunts.

Nope, that's slander against a beautiful organ, so let's just call 'em condescending cockatiel shit.

Love y'all!!!!


Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Okay, kids, here we go with the BIG thank-y'all list; it won't be as detailed or personalized as the first list, I'm sorry to say, because I can't burn-up Wo'C's entire bandwidth and fill-up an entire comments thread with my blathering.

As of tonight/this morning, 4:20A, CST, these are the other people who have bent-over backwards to help me:

Joel Hanes, who un-lurked above, sent me a HUGE hunka help/love, and even though we've never spoken before this thread, I can tell that he is one of the really good guys, and I appreciate your help SO much, Joel!

Our own not-quite-loquacious WOODROWFAN!!! Helluva time to pop-up in my e-mail, but I'm damned glad and grateful that you did! World O'Crappers are the best blog commenters on teh innernet toobs as it is, and you are definitely up thar in the greatest pantheon. Thank you, my friend.

Mary Ellen, I don't know that I've ever met you before, if I have, I hope that you'll let me know. Most of all, thank you so much for reaching-out to a total stranger and giving what you have to help.

To the one and only inimitable Chris Vosburg, dear heart, you could not have bowled me over more with your generosity if you'd snuck-up on me behind the Chuck E. Cheese dumpster. You're not just a great commenter/commentator/writer, you're a truly good man, and I am damned grateful that you are a big part of our Wo'C family. Thank you so much.

And a cat-lover of no small repute, Michelle R. of Alaska, who's shared her purdy puddies her on Wo'C, reached-out to me with a generosity and kindness that reaches all the way back to the Katrina work. As I've said, you KNOW that you're loved when the lurkers UN-LURK!!!

Gonna shaddup for this comment, as I'm probably well-over the character limit, but we're only half-way done! Thank you all SO SO MUCH!!!

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Here we go again!

The one and only Bob Muir has once again jumped into the fray, being the rescuing kinda guy that he's always been, and been an enormous help. Bob, I cannot thank you enough, but I hope that you know how much you are appreciated.

(Sure as hell wasn't going to thank the guy with his INITIALS --- would *you* wanna be the "B.M." in here?)

And yes, I *was* a little surprised, but utterly delighted to see HEYDAVE in my in-box! (Only HeyDave can make a joke on that one, anyone else loses a limb!) I'm tremendously grateful to have the Wo'C 'family' that I do, and no one makes a better "funny uncle" than HeyDave! (heh heh heh...)

InfoGirl2K, lurker of good repute, thank you SO much for stepping out of the shadows to help! BTW, I *love* the way that your brain works! Hope that we get to see you in the comments more often, too!

And Nancy M., yet ANOTHER wunnerful person from Maryland (it's been a fascinating study in demographics --- so many cool people that I'd never met before, from Maryland and Oregon both!), much appreciation and heartfelt thanks to you, for reaching out and giving all that you have to give --- if you ever decide to run for office, honey, you have GOT *my* vote!

There's really good people in Georgia, too (shaddup, Yankees!), even though I never did find a gig there back in '03. A guy named Joseph shared so generously, so thoughtfully, it makes me wish that I *had* gotten a gig in Georgia, so that I could make friends like him. Thank you so much, Joseph, you are a balm to the soul.

Another beloved lurker came un-cloaked, one loverly lady named Saira shared what she had with me, and that means the most --- those of us who know what it's like to live meal-to-meal, dollar-to-dollar. It's never the AMOUNT that measures a person's generosity, honey, it's the INTENT. Not that I'd ever turn-up my nose at that Powerball money, but tonight I overslept and MISSED BUYING MY POWERBALL TICKET THIS WEEK! Ah, such bizarro ironies... But thank you, sweetie, so much.

Speaking of wunnerful lurkers who make you feel REALLY LOVED, the loverly Emily, whose gorgeous puddies Richmond & Burnaby have appeared here on Wo'C, also reached out to me and shared, as she said, because her puddies wanted to make sure that my Biddy was okay. And, if you ask me, it's 'cause Emily is just really good people, honestly.

Magpie666, yet another wunnerful S. Pacific denizen (of Oz, no less!), reached out of the not-quite-lurking shadows to me, as well, and I am so grateful that she did. Plus, as I told Magpie, she helps remind us Yanks that most of Australia is made-up of truly-good people who render teh Evul Rupert Murdoch NULL & VOID!!!

Welp, that's it for tonight, and my most sincere and heartfelt thanks go out to you all, for caring about a total stranger for some, and for being my REAL family, to all of y'all who've known me for ages and love me anyway!

BTW, tonight's selection on AntennaTV is a Bogart number called "Knock On Every Door" --- where the hood that Bogie's lawyer defends actually spews the words, "Live Fast, Die Young, Leave A Good-Looking Corpse!", I shit y'all not. I'm too old for that shit, and the truck's too old to go that fast, so let's just put off the corpse talk for a while, shall we? I just HAD to include that note for Vosburg, Scott & Bill S. --- I knew that it would make y'all smirk!


Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Okay, kids, it's up on FB, so go get a look! Look for this same name on there, that's me!

...and despite my copious comments on here, I am NOT a damned ROBOT!!!

Terrible said...

I'm not much financial help at the moment, having spent far too much on myself the past couple months, but will definitely be pitching in some to the pot the next couple of months.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Terrible, if you don't stop flogging yourself over your bank account, I'm gonna send mormon missionaries to yer house! Cut that shit out! You are ALWAYS the first one to help out, ALWAYS the first one to pitch-in, from the Katrina work to Gustav to this, and everything in-between. So no more down-in-the-mouth shit, y'hear me? We all know how much you've done to help me and everybody else, and I for one will never forget! Besides, who else sends me that really good Vermont summer sausage??


Anonymous said...

How can I not help? Besides Annti being a good friend, she's the bravest soul I know. If I had to go through but half the shit she's suffered, my family would be receiving funeral flowers instead of a PayPal donation.
Slog on Annti......we're all behind you, hopefully giving you enough of the push you need to find the relief you deserve.

Anonymous said...

I forgot to mention that my donation wasn't through PayPal but another credit card. PayPal's owner, Peter Thiel donated $1.7 million to the Ron Paul campaign and I'm not a fan.

Chris Vosburg said...

Annti writes: BTW, tonight's selection on AntennaTV is a Bogart number called "Knock On Every Door"

Yeah, you knew I'd be unable to resist pointing out that Knock On Any Door is a hidden Bogart gem, remarkable for a number of reasons. I missed AntennaTV's showing last night, and resolve to pay closer attention to their porgramming in future so it doesn't happen again, but jeez, it's nuts there: seeemingly endless Flying Nun and Monkees reruns but then a slew of classic movies in the middle of the night.

In short, the programming model of the independent VHF channels of my childhood.

Anyway, Knock On Any Door, the first of Bogart's Santana productions, introduced a pretty boy named John Derek to film, who would go on to marry and discard Linda Evans and Ursula Andress before finally settling on Mary Collins of Long Beach, who we came to know as "Bo", who went on to market her own line of hair care products for housepets, providing proof to the rest of the world that, yes, we really are that shallow here in Planet Hollywood.

But I really wanted to give a shout out to George Macready (plays the DA in the film) as one of our best unsung character actors. As they say, you may not recognize the name, but you'll definitely recognize the voice. If you've heard his delivery, you might be surprised to learn that Macready was not a Brit, but merely a Rhode Island native from an era when precisely clipped diction and orotund voweling was the mark of "culture", and New Englanders sounded a lot like, uh, Englanders.

Sort of an American George Sanders, Macready was the go-to guy when you needed a slightly oily high-bred snob, villain or not, for your fifties TV series, and he did, among many others, a number of Perry Mason eps as such.

And of course, I'd be remiss to not mention his performances in otherwise awful fifties sci-fi films "The Alligator People" and MST3K favorite "The Human Duplicators".

A trooper, and RIP George.

Cynthianne said...

I made a small donation. Good luck, Anti!

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

(Just got home from a double trip to the storage unit, thanks to the reunion with one of the best friends that I've ever had, with whom I was JUST reconnected via, of all things, that suck-hole of time & effort known as FaceBook --- anyway, it's been close to TWELVE YEARS since I last saw Anthony {long story, hopefully his taste in wives has improved since then!}, his oldest son is SEVENTEEN now, and as soon as he was sure that this me WAS *me,* he VOLUNTEERED to help me move, YET AGAIN!!! So may the universe rain blessings down upon his big tall head forevermore, as well as every one of y'all, including totally new-to-me folks who've de-lurked on my account, and new friends who've appeared, seemingly out of the mists, to pitch-in and help! More thanks to follow this bit with our dearly-beloved Vosburg...)

VOSBURG!!! Are you telling me that the PRETTY-BOY DEFENDANT in "Knock On Any Door" was the wretched, shriveled-up clone-generator known as JOHN FUCKING DEREK?!?!?!? ***NO.*** ***FUCKING***. ***WAY.*** ***!!!!!!***

Seriously. I don't have the strength/attention span/wakefulness to do the IMDb on it, but I can NOT reconcile that gorgeous-to-the-point-of-stereotypical-bisexuality, Mediterranean-heritage, wavy-black-haired, dimpled-and-chiseled-faced, smooth-operator-but-not-such-the-actor BABY DOLL was where the creepiest motherfucker this side of Phil Spector BEGAN!!!!!! It's just... just... GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE!!!

Perhaps I am mistaking THAT "pretty boy" for the antagonist (well, supporting player/object of the sentence, if you will...) and you're referring to a whooooole other dood entirely, and Derek played one of his criminal-flavored cohorts? PLEASE tell me that I'm thinking of the wrong guy, 'cause there is NO FUCKING EXPLANATION THAT HOLDS TO ANY OF THE LAWS & PRINCIPLES OF PHYSICS, GENETICS, GRAVITY, CIGARETTE SMOKING, AND/OR COLLAGEN, WHATSOFUCKINGEVER, for *THAT* beautiful young man to be even REMOTELY connected with the slimy-and-poisonous salamander (though sadly missing the SPF & moisturizer that goes with the REAL salamanders!)!!!!!!

Seriously, dood --- tell me that I'm thinking of the wrong guy. I *would* look it up, punkin', but I've got thank-you letters to write, thanks to post in another comment, seeing as how I've run-off at the mouth for far too long HERE, and what's left of my oft-dented "brain," immobilized as it is by lethal chemistry as rendered by Pfizer, Eli Lilly, et al., CAN'T HANDLE ALL OF THAT INPUT & OUTPUT TODAY.

And honestly, the concept, the premise that you propose, that these two diametrically-opposed, if only by dint of aesthetic appeal (though the sloppy excuse for "acting" and sociopathic tendencies are readily-apparent in this debut!), entities are what comprises the latter... Honey, you coulda saved that juicy tidbit for a coupla weeks, 'cause I just CAN. FUCKING. **NOT.** WRAP MY HEAD AROUND ***THAT***!!!!


(Yup, I'll prolly be back before I *completely* collapse into a puddle of ripped muscle tissue and screaming-bloody-murder joints-sans-cartilage, so gimme SOME kind of answer!)

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Thank you, Cynthianne! You must've been posting just as I was, amazing timing! And Gappy, my Gappy, you and my ever-lovin' Gargoyle friend are some of the wunnerfulest peoples I've ever had the fortune of befriending. I didn't know that you could go around PayPal like that, but any time that one can deprive Meg Whitman and the like of profits & stock dividends, I'm all for it! If you are willing to provide instructions for how you did it, please do, so that the next kind soul can avoid giving a single red cent to those republicunts! Granted, back during the Katrina work, they *WERE* a big help, even tried to get me a tax # so that I wouldn't have to pay sales taxes on the stuff that we got for the lucky New Orleanians who got OUT, but more often than not, I don't get THAT kinda help from PayPal anymore. Before our wunnerful Scott wrung every last tear from my charcoal excuse for a heart with this post that actually makes this bitter old bitch a bit misty, every time I read it --- I had $18.47 in my PayPal acct., and when I tried to buy $17 in gasoline to go look at storage units, THE FUCKERS @ THE GAS STATION REJECTED MY CARD, 'CAUSE PAYPAL SUDDENLY SAID THAT MY ACCOUNT WAS EMPTY!!! The Filipino or India-Indian or Pakistani or Nigerian or whomever she was that I encountered @ "Customer Service" TODAY gave me NO explanation for that bullshit, only reiterating, over and over and over again, how much money that you dear hearts and enormously-kind souls had donated. That still doesn't allow me to go back in time and BUY THAT GAS, HEIFER!!!

So I feel yer pain in re: PayPal. Were there another service that I could use, that everybody here and on FB and everywhere else were already familiar with, I'd be using it. But seeing as how I only found out that I *didn't* have a fucking TOTALLY-MADE-UP-BY-AN-IDIOT-WHO-DOESN'T-HAVE-A-FUCKING-*CLUE-ABOUT-HER-JOB "Grace Period" whilst I await housing FROM Quadel/StartCorp until THIS PAST THURSDAY {!!!!}, and Scott was kind enough to rush this beautiful post to the presses for me, we went with what we knew. I hope that we never have to do this again, as I know that every single donor out there definitely needs every dime that they earn, but if we do (pthewy-pthewy!), we'll try to find better. I have my own moral issues with the entire eBay entity, darlin', so I do, indeed, understand your desire to avoid them.

ALSO: If I am fortunate enough to receive one more donation from one more generous soul, please take note that if y'all use the "Personal Payment"/"Personal Donation" option, then PayPal doesn't take their chunk of a fee out. Yet another way to cut Meg & Peter's profits!

FINALLY!!! Even MORE thanks today, a wondrous surprise after wondrous surprise, by some of the bestest people whom it has ever been my pleasure to know and/or befriend, or to meet now!!

PREZNIT GIVE ME TURKEE!!!! One of my very favorite things about Austin, acerbic wit, musical impresario of sorts (king of the mix tapes!), bicycle expert and generally all-around good guy and beloved Wo'C commenter --- THANK YOU SO MUCH, PREZ!!! And no, I did *not* just almost call you "Perez," as in "Perez Hilton"!!! If I was going to poke at you with a sharp stick, it wouldn't be HIS, I promise you! It's been far too long since we've shot the shit, and I've missed your conversations, but that you remember our friendship and are willing to share your hard-earned bread with me, reminds me of all of the reasons that we became friends in the first place. You have my deepest and most-sincere appreciation.


Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

WELLLLL HALL-LAY-FUCKIN'-LUJAHHHH, AFTER SEVENTEEN TRIES, THE ABOVE THANKS *FINALLY* FUCKING POSTED!!! I never DID like Blogger... but yes, I know, since the Wo'C server was compromised by some evil mouse-dick motherfucker, it's the only option, I guess... *sigh*

Here goes again:

Cynthianne! You didn't say how you came to donate to the cause, but I'm as grateful as all hell that you found me and Scott's wunnerful post, however it was. Expect an ACTUAL thank-you note as soon as I finish-up here, m'dear --- you are truly appreciated and a delightful surprise!

And lastly for now, Tracy M. --- I dunno how YOU got here, either, though your locale makes me wonder if you know the much-beloved Gargoyle/Gappy family... Thank you so much, for reaching-out to a total freakin' STRANGER. If we HAVE met elsewhere, please let me know, 'cause you seem to be a good person TO know! And yes, dear heart, your help helps, believe you me, every dime helps! If it weren't for huge-hearted strangers and my beloved family here @ Wo'C, esp. including our newly-brave lurkers, there'd be no hope whatsoever for me and my antiquated Biddy cat.

Thanks, once more, to you all, not just for the dough, but for CARING, and for caring SO DAMNED *MUCH*!!! I try not to pollute y'all's brains by getting all soppy and shit, but even a crotchety old craven harpy as myself gets a little flushed & misty (and if ANYBODY --- yes, that means YOU, Carl! --- makes a joke outta "flushed & misty," HEADS WILL ROLL!!!) when faced with this giant wall of love, kindness, and concern.
Y'all have a pretty good idea what's become of those whom I used to (mistakenly) think were my "family," well, not what's BECOME of them, because I don't have a woodchipper yet --- but y'all have an inkling about the fact that, since 2 years before Teh Dick died, I no longer HAVE any {blood} FAMILY. And being stuck in a neighborhood where EVERYBODY but ONE sane woman HATES MY FUCKING GUTS JUST FOR LIVING HERE AND BEING THE "WRONG" COLOR --- in Redneckistans and Klan Central, I was hated for being FRIENDS with the "wrong color," but here, no matter what I do, say, believe, attempt to improve, whatever -- I'M AUTOMATICALLY WRONG, and I'm talking about EVERY FUCKING INHABITANT HERE, including the racist little brats who threw brand-new HARDBALLS at my windchimes, destroying the last actual GIFT that Teh Dick & teh F.U. gave me jointly, a Woodstock Chimes set with real Irish greenstone that cannot be replaced.

It's not just the carpetbagging scum in the management office, the alleged "social worker" who has been out to get me since DAY ONE, because I never provided her with DIRT/AMMO ON MYSELF, nor did I want her to TEACH ME BIBLE VERSES, when I can damned well quote those fucking fairy tales better than HER haughty/condescending/barely-graduated-some-community-college-in-IOWA high-yaller behind. Mine is fluorescent-white, gelatinous & tattooed, hers is a golden-taupe-medium-yellowish-brown, I surmise from her face, etc.


Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

(I'd hoped that THIS would be the LAST ONE TONIGHT, but no such luck... sincere apologies for burning-up yer bandwidth, Scott, Sheri & Mary!)

It's the schizophrenic/alcoholic crackheads next door who SELL the schizophrenic meds that they REALLY fucking NEED, so that they can buy rock & weed (and set-off the smoke alarm at least once a week, for a fucking YEAR!) and beer. Lots and lots of beer, the cans from which they hurl at MY front door, my truck, you name it. It's the drug-dealers on both corners, the hookers in the white double-duplex across the corner (7 of whom jumped me in "my" own fucking DRIVEWAY one night! And fuck NO, the cops didn't arrest a SINGLE FUCKING *ONE* OF THEM, 'cause I *MUST* have been "asking for it"!!!), it's the bigoted-from-age-2-ish brats who throw their mylar junk-food packaging only into MY "yard," who destroy my windchimes, who key my truck and run their bicycles into it ON PURPOSE. It's also the drunk/high/fucktarded/PURE-FUCKING-EVIL fucking JOHN for one of the hookers, who, back in July of last year, snuck over here one night, a nice weather evening, when Bubbe Boy was lying in the front living-room window, enjoying the "fresh" air, watching the walking freakshow and the nightly parade of bass-tube clusterfucks-on-wheels... And said "John" snuck over here and LUNGED at my baby from the side of the porch, roaring/grunting some bestial noise, and my 14-year-old "son" fell almost THREE FUCKING FEET down to the floor, hurting his shoulder & hip. He already had arthritis, he did not NEED THIS SHIT. He didn't break anything, but even if he had, he would've been too old to undergo anaesthesia for any kind of surgery. He was never the same after that. It didn't CAUSE the respiratory failure that killed my baby, but it sure as hell didn't HELP. Boy was never "old" until that trauma, despite his age and his arthritis. Just like my Nannie was never "old" or "feeble" or "weak" a day in her fucking life, and she went through hells that make MY life look like a day in the fucking PARK --- she was NEVER fucking OLD until that crack whore tried to beat me to death in my own bed, in the pitch dark, WHILE MY NANNIE WAS ON THE OTHER END OF THE PHONE LINE. THAT is when she got "OLD." THAT is what gave her cancer. She never smoked, she never drank, she never partied in any way but DANCING, that daring Baptist suffragette! She did, unfortunately, follow the UTTERLY FUCKTARDED "ADVICE" from two of the biggest redneck/hillbilly reject-excuses for "doctors" TO EVER TROD THIS EARTH, so her colon probably wasn't in the best shape on earth as it was... but it was hearing me nearly getting killed that made her VULNERABLE, made her HURT, and made her so fucking depressed, it made me cry, just to look in her pale blue eyes.

So yeah, if I'd never had to live in this shit-hole (I'd have been in the GOOD projects on St. Bernard Avenue if my so-called "mother" had given me TWO WEEKS @ her place after Teh Dick died, but ohhh, noooo, that didn't please her MASSAH, the dog-killing baby-rapist "Son-King."), my Bubbe Boy would still be alive. And my Biddy wouldn't be as sad and lonesome as she is, either. But it's not like I can adopt ANY animal from the pound in THIS situation, and even if our housing were secure, Biddy, well, like her "mother," she doesn't "play well with others," unless they're her Bubbe or a dog that she's properly trained. Maybe one day, she'll allow an interloper, but it ain't today.

(Continued, but it gets better, I promise...)

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

(The REAL Last One, I promise, or me & Blogger are going to THROW DOWN!!!)

Sorry to go so downer with this thank-you note, y'all, I honestly didn't mean to go that way. I just wanted y'all to know that it's not just the EXTREMELY-illegal bullshit from the management scum that's killing me and stressing my Biddy out, it's the daily abuse, 10-15 hours a day, from the psychotic racists & all-around assholes who don't know a fucking thing ABOUT ME, but hate me just for being here. I never saw any of the "SAW" movies, despite Cary Elwes being in one of them, I think, but I know the general premise. What that freak behind the fucktarded puppet does to those people, chained-up in that bathroom, is about 1% of the intentional abuse & intentional triggering of my PTSD by a so-called "social worker" (HA!), Sasquatch the "property manager" stalker who claims to have had a "prior relationship" with me (I shit y'all not!), and the hourly idiocy and focused psychoses of all of the too-much-free-time bigots on all sides. I'm surprised that it took them this long to illegally evict me, but maybe they were just ENJOYING the torture too much, getting their decrepit and disgusting ROCKS OFF from watching me suffer flashbacks and physical agony from sleep deprivation & stress.

Again, sorry for the pity-party, but I'm just so fucking pissed, and so fucking exhausted, I can't even go outside with a baseball bat and start swinging like that half-crazy school principal played so perfectly by my possible relative, Mr. Morgan Freeman. Hey, he's from N. Mizzippi, it's likely!

If it were not for the love of friends like y'all, I would not have survived this year in a new kind of hell, nor the Redneckistan & Fucktard Hotel before it. I dunno why the crazy/junkie/hypochondriac-fakers/assholes of subsidized housing always come at ME with both feet, they just DO. They've siphoned gas out of my truck so many times, I haven't had a gas gauge since 2006! And y'all have kept me grounded, attached to the reality outside of these hellholes out in the boonies (yup, there ARE boonies/sticks in Orleans Parish, and I'm in 'em!), and at least looking forward sometimes, instead of stewing in my own heartbreak and failures ALL of the time.

Y'all truly have, every day for many years now, saved my life, and I love you all.

Chris Vosburg said...

Yes, Annti, it's true. That promising young actor would go on to make his living pimping out his wife and filming the result, in four universally despised soft core porn movies of the nineties, earning them a record number of Razzies for worst directing and acting. Bo was in the running for worst actress of the century in the 2000 razzies, but got beat out by Madonna. She wuz robbed, is all I can say.

John Derek nevertheless has a star on Hollywood Blvd, awarded in 1960 for his acting work (in Television!), unless it's since been ripped out of the sidewalk as punishment for his later work as a director, an action I wouldn't peronally be opposed to.

And finally, The Dereks shared a Sour Apple Award in 1984, an award given each year to the people who have most shamed the movie business.

Incidentally, in real time, the Academy finally got around to giving Christopher Plummer an Oscar. About fucking time.

Chris Vosburg said...

four universally despised soft core porn movies of the nineties

Uh, make that "eighties".

Incidentally, is it just me, or does Billy Crystal look more like Christopher Walken with each passing year?

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Oops. I missed 'em. It'll be on YouTube, right? Hey, I haven't been to the movies in YEARS, sue me.

What a total fucking waste of a face, though. Dumb as a fucking stump, must've been a really good cocksucker or hung like a Clydesdale to get "directing" gigs.

Law & Order: Criminal Intent had an episode EEEEERILLYYYY similar to the whole "Building The Perfect Mrs. Derek" phenomenon, with whatsisface, that English fella who was "hot stuff" back in the day, as well, all pulled-taut and uber-tanned, recruiting chicks and then subjecting them to plastic surgery and expensive salon bleach-jobs to allll look alike, very Derek. Michael something? I think that he was in "Andromeda Strain" or "Coma," one of those that came out when I was in kindergarten...

Anonymous said...

Michael York, mayhap?

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

So sorry to be SO damned far-behind on the thanks, y'all, I'm just falling apart all the fuck over, so I'll try to do better...

And *ding!* *ding!* *ding!* We haaaaave a winner!!! Yes, beloved Suezboo, you are correct, m'dame! That's the smarmy/slimy limey to whom I was referring! Are you & Vosburg reading my brain when I'm not paying attention? 'Cause if you can, then y'all need to come down here to testify for me in a coupla felony cases that teh redneck so-called "cops" won't prosecute since I have no "witnesses"... Hey, it's not like I won't COOK for y'all and shit!

Okay, to the thanks, and oh mah fuck!!! y'all just don't STOP with the love and generosity and kindness and amazing depths of compassion. World O'Crappers are the bestest motherfuckers ON THE WHOLE MOTHERFUCKIN' INNERNET TOOBS!!!!!!

Here goes, since last time:

Catnmus Christine, bless your heart, thank you so much! Ya gotta tell me how we met/how you heard about Scott's most-amazing-fundraiser-EVER, 'cause I fuckin' LOVE your online nic!

Annnnd, one of my all-time favorite pansies, BUTCH PANSY!!! --- bless your heart, my dearly beloved, and I fucking LOVE the notes you send with the donation, 'cause baby, with Piyush "Bobby Brady Wannabe"/"Kenneth The NBC Page" Jindal GUTTING Medicaid here, along with destroying the country's oldest & best-run state charity hospital system (and considering how crappy they were, it tells you a LOT about medical care in Louisiana AND the whole U.S.!), those co-pays for my WAY-TOO-MANY MEDS (narcotics, they hand-out like PEZ, but to get the right amount of MUSCLE RELAXERS to be able to WALK whilst moving everything that I own into a STORAGE UNIT and enduring more pain than even DICK CHENEY could inflict! --- THAT is fucking IMPOSSIBLE!!) have fucking DISAPPEARED. Medicaid doesn't pay SHIT towards ANYTHING anymore, thanks to the Cathlick-fanatic Indian Caste System FINAL SOLUTION. So baby, you nailed it RIGHT ON THE FUCKING HEAD, believe me!!!

(Abridged, as fucking USUAL!)

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...


And my truly, deeply, dearly-beloved LARKY-POO, aka Larkspur,, THAT THAR is a woman to whom very few other humans could even vaguely compare. I totally fucked-up her birfday post over to my abandoned blog, and yet this woman with the humongous heart reaches way down deep and donates her ass off! She is truly a wise and spirited soul, a wood nymph of teh bestest kind, and I am privileged to call her my friend. Thank you so much, sweetie!

And dear, undoubtedly drop-dead handsome Robert W., again, you *gotta* tell me where we met or how you found Scott's heart-rending post, because someone as gregariously generous as you *MUST* be GOOD PEOPLE to reach out to me when I don't even know your online nickname! Thank you so much, R.W.

Pamela R., again, I am at a loss, because I've no idea how we know each other or what your online identity may be, but I am *damned* grateful to have met someone as kind and huge-hearted as you. I certainly hope to hear from you again, because, like Robert up there, you seem like really good people, as do all of the loving souls who've shared so much of themselves and their hard-earned dough with me, when they and you could be spending it upon themselves/yourself and/or deserving *actual* charities. Bless your heart, honey, and don't be a stranger!

Proper thank-you notes will be en-route first thing tomorrow, as I have to crash obscenely early tonight, b/c the ONLY friend that I've found who's willing to help me with the heavy lifting/breaking-down the furniture, etc., can only do it between 10A & 2P, and THEN he has to work a 10-12-hour night shift! Bless you Anthony, forever and ever amen. Wonder if there are any NOLA lurkers who might wanna help move...? Hey, it's worth a shot, ain't it?

Thank you all, so much, and Scott, I will never be able to properly thank you for this beautiful post or your, Sheri's, Mary's & Keith's generosity. If I'm blathering nonsensically, forgive me, because I am ALWAYS sleep-deprived these days.

Let's just hope that SOMEBODY, somewhere can help me pull my ass out of the housing fire SOON, so that Biddy won't have to share the too-short cab of that "fun-sized" stepside pickup with MY fonky ass... she's been through too much for one cat's life already, I can't do THAT to her.

I love you all, and thank y'all SO much.

Phil said...

It was way the fuck over due but what you did for Annti broke the camels back.
Damn decent of ya.
I sent her a bit and added ya to the Blogroll at Ornery Bastard Blogspot.

Kudos to you for being decent human beings and good luck to Annti.

JoeBuddha said...

Glad I could help, Annti. Your delightfully profane rants are one of the reasons I hang out on this blog. I'm sure we're related somehow (on the coloful side, not the boring one!)

Anonymous said...

Dear Miss Anntichrist S. Coulter,

I have, on many occasions, stood in slack-jawed awe of your momentous ranting abilities and have been touched by your ginormous heart. I hope the little donation helps a bit.

Sincerely,PamelaR, (aka: Pama Ruby Lee Killer Whore Dog)

Scott said...

Thanks, Bustedknuckles. We've added you as well.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Once again, huge thanks to you all, especially for the kind remarks, as I haven't written anything even remotely productive since Hurricane Gustav. But I love y'all for saying so, nonetheless.

Massive and FAR-TOO-BELATED apologies to the most-recent donors of the past few days, as when I finally had the handful of brain cells to send-out the aforementioned thanks and come here and thank y'all in public, I DROPPED MY DAMNED COMPUTER and the HARD DRIVE FELL OUT and now she won't boot A'TALL.

I have lost at least 50 e-mail addresses @ my ISP address, b/c they were only IN my Thunderbird mail client (I know, I'm stupid, but why the fuck can't you EXPORT and/or SAVE e-mails as regular fucking FILES onto a disc or an external hard-drive!?!?!?)m so it's going to take me another couple of days of moving and then compy work to get my shit back together, but I hope to have everyone properly thanked (esp. those to whom the thanks are WAY too fucking FAR-BELATED!) and otherwise praised as soon as possible.

Sincere and painful apologies to everyone, as well as the most heartfelt gratitude that a heartless fucktard fuckup like me can ever hope to muster. Not nearly enough to match the generosity of my friends, FB and new/unlurked friends, I know, but I'm working on doing better.

And if anyone can advise me on how I can recover ALL of the Firefox & Thunderbird passwords for EVERY fucking site that I use on a regular basis, I would happily rub yer feet and/or neck for at least half an hour. Geography may prevent a timely completion of said promise, but I never make a promise that I do not intend to, somehow, someday, intend to fulfill.

Annnnndddd, all of that and a fiver will get you a cup of coffee.

All my love, gratitude and joy @ having such wunnerful people in my life,

Anonymous said...

Dear Miss Anntichrist S. Coulter,

Bless your heart! Hang in there; things will get sorted out; the dust will settle; and finally, you will be able to take a deep breath and relax.

Pama Ruby Lee Killer Whore Dog ('prlkwd'for short)

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

What's a "Pama Ruby Lee Killer Whore Dog"???