Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Bam Bam Barber Stands Athwart Homosexuals Yelling "Stop!"

Every man has his Moby Dick -- a metaphorical quest for some unattainable goal which, if pursued with an indefatigable and single-minded zeal, will lean to ruination.  In the case of J. Matt "Bam Bam" Barber -- failed pugilist, cashiered insurance adjuster, former Concerned Woman for America, ex-host of a radio talk show (demoted to co-host, otherwise known as "Death by a thousand Mike Douglas Shows") and Associate Dean of a fake college (but unfortunately not the funny one from Community) -- his Moby Dick is actual dick.  In other words, it's less symbolic, but just as vulnerable to shrinkage in cold water.
An open letter to homosexuals
I write this not to professional homosexuals. 
Because Bam Bam is a former boxer, and the last thing he needs is trouble with the AAU.  (Personally, I grew up thinking homosexuality was just a sexual orientation, only realizing it was a potentially lucrative career path when I attended the Senior Class Job Fair in the high school gymnasium, and noticed the "It Pays to Be Gay!" presentation, with its artfully fanned four-color brochures and tasteful booth done up in a palette of muted pastels...)
That is to say, not to members of the well-funded, politically powerful homosexual activist lobby. 
It's a sweet gig, with the sole exception that before going down on a sex partner, the powerful homosexual activist lobbyist is legally obliged to announce, "This sodomy is brought to you by a grant from the Mobil Corporation."
They will mock and reject my words outright. 
Unless we beat them to it.
They will twist and misrepresent what I say to further their own socio-political agenda. That's fine. It's to be expected. It merits little more than a yawn and an eye roll.
You need to do something really unexpected if you want Bam Bam to add in his coveted "two snaps up."
Instead, I write this to my fellow travelers in life — average, ordinary people, male and female, young and old — who happen to call themselves "gay." I write this out of obedience to God.
...who has been sending Matt special messages that can only be read using a Liberty University Secret Decoder Ring, and which command him to "Harass More Homosexuals and Drink More Ovaltine."
It is my hope and prayer that you will consider what I have to say and take it at face value. My intentions are pure and my motives upright.
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood...
 If I can plant the seed of truth in just one person, and that seed begins to sprout, then I consider this letter a success.
Apparently, Bam Bam and the other dudes in the American Family Radio studios were bullshitting during the break, and somewhere between the commercials for mail order gold bullion, crisis seed banks, and tickets for the Yakov Smirnoff Dinner Theater's innovative, fast-casual matinee dining concept, Lunch with Greg Brady ("Barry is very pleased to bring all of his talents together along with his live five piece band and his new multi-media show A BRADY LUNCH at the Yakov Theatre, specially created for Branson audiences.  Barry will not only entertain you but touch your heart." -- but hopefully not your club sandwich or pudding cup -- "A Brady Lunch is truly up close and personal with Barry Williams"), somewhere between all that, Matt apparently bet his engineer that he could impregnate a lesbian.
 I pray that you are that person.
"Lipstick Lesbians preferred.  May consider Soft Butch if tattoos are minimal.  Diesel Dykes need not apply."
What I write may offend you. It may even infuriate you.
It will certainly bore you.
 But I hope it makes you think.
It makes me I should check the bathroom grout for mildew.
 Know this: Your friends have lied to you. Christians do not hate you. We love you intensely.
Is that boiled rabbit I'm smelling...?
 We love you because of who you are, not because of what you do or because of who you think you are.
I just think things are moving a little too fast, here, Matt...
Still, to love someone and to lie to them is to hate them — especially when that lie inevitably leads to a tragic and hopeless end.
Oh oh -- that sounds disturbingly like a song cue.  I'd advise you to leave now, before the lights dim, Bam Bam props up a photo of an Amateur Homosexual and warbles "You Made Me Love You (I Didn't Want to Do It"), just like Judy Garland did to Clark Gable's headshot in Broadway Melody of 1938.
If you have a loved one, blindfolded and running full speed toward cliff's edge, do you not yell, stop!
It depends.  Are they still offering that $100,000 prize on America's Funniest Home Videos?
Would you not run after them, even tackling them if need be to prevent them from plummeting to certain death? 
And would that not be your explanation to the West Hollywood Sheriff's Department deputies when they asked why you were spending your Saturday night tackling men outside Mother Lode?
What would we think of the person who said: "Keep running; all is well."
We'd think they were related to Jim Fixx, and probably a beneficiary.
All is not well, and you know it. 
"Not a single lesbian has answered my ad!"
On this path, "it" decidedly does not "get better."
Amazingly, though, this "column" does manage to "get stupider."
 It only gets worse. You will fall and you will die — perhaps not physical death, straight away — but certainly, an emotional and spiritual death.
I remember when I was about 9 or 10, I was racing my next door neighbor Todd Pickett to the bus stop before school when I tripped on the curb and fell so hard I tore the knees of my jeans and badly skinned my soul.
 Homosexual activists, "progressives," Hollywood, the media, academia and popular culture are telling you to keep running.
They don't care about your spiritual health.  They just care that you have sufficient stamina to make it through an all-night orgy with the cross-country team.
I'm yelling, stop!
And maybe you should, seeing as how Bam Bam isn't in the greatest shape, and he's starting to wheeze.
Your lifestyle — homosexuality — is always and forever, objectively and demonstrably wrong.
And if Bam Bam just happened to be caught in a motel near the airport with a twink, he could say, with all sincerity, that he simply needed a test subject to objectively demonstrate, using geometric logic, that the homosexual lifestyle is wrong.  Also, it was the hustler who stole the strawberries, and hid them in Bam Bam's ass.

Anyway, Pro-Am Homos, at least try another lifestyle.  Like Obsessive-Compulsive Pecksniffery.  Bam Bam is available to mentor you.
It is never good, natural, right or praiseworthy.
Y'know, Bam Bam, I take the laissez-faire approach that anything two consenting adults decide to do in a sexual way is fine, so this is really more of an aesthetic than a moral judgment, but I doubt anything your sweaty carcass gets up to in the bedroom could be described as "praiseworthy."
 If you have "gay pride," you have "sin pride." 
And it's important to show your sin pride this Saturday by wearing your rainbow t-shirt for the big game against Gluttony.
But this reality is manifest beyond the pages of Scripture. Unnatural behaviors beget natural consequences. So-called "homophobia" is not responsible for the fact that, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, one-in-five "gay" men and adolescents in major cities across America have been infected — through bad behavior — with HIV/AIDS.

Sin is responsible.
Usually, when the detective reveals the murderer at the end, it's a bit more surprising and dramatic.  Is it too late to fire Bam Bam and get William Powell for this role?
In almost every category — disease, depression, drug and alcohol abuse, and suicide — those who call themselves "gay" live and die with consequences that have nothing gay, in the true sense of the word, about them.

Is this you? Be honest.
It -- it is.   I've had cancer and frequent bouts of depression; never really abused drugs or alcohol, but I did attempt suicide as a teenager.  You're right -- this is me!

Oh wait -- I'm not gay.  Crap!  I hope I haven't thrown off the grading curve.
Scripture admonishes: "For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 6:23). This does not simply mean physical death, but something far worse: spiritual death.

Yes, hell.
So every gay person goes to hell?  The club scene down there must be sick.
I know from which I speak.
Well, that's a refreshing change.
 I am no better than you. I, too, once lived a lifestyle of sexual sin.
Your torrid affair with a tube sock doesn't count.
Not homosexual sin, but sexual sin nonetheless. As a young man I did not treat God's daughters as He intended and, instead, engaged in a lifestyle of selfish womanizing and fornication.
"It's true, I fornicated and womanized the hell out of those women.  Uh, you wouldn't know them -- they're from Canada."
The wages of sin in my life was death — spiritual and emotional death. I was on your same path.
I'll pull over -- feel free to pass.
Still, Christ's gift to me was forgiveness, redemption and life everlasting. My friend, that gift is available to you as well.

Snatch it up. Please.
Um...Insert Comment Here.
During the Awakening 2011 — a national conference held, that year, at Liberty University — I was visiting with a young woman from the hard-left Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC). I liked her. I loved her, in fact, in the way her heavenly Father, Christ Jesus, loves her and has enabled me to love her. I think of her and pray for her often.
"Every time I look at the restraining order. "

In recent years, the SPLC has taken to smearing Christian organizations that defend the biblical sexual ethic as "hate groups." After visiting for a while, I asked this young woman if she really believed that we Christians hate homosexuals. To my surprise she admitted that we do not. "But the things you say are sometimes hateful," she added.

Indeed, truth is hate to those who hate truth.
I always enjoy it when a wingnut channels The Sphinx from Mystery Men:
"To learn my teachings, I must first teach you how to learn...He who questions training only trains himself at asking questions...When you can balance a tack hammer on your head, you will head off your foes with a balanced attack. " 
The truth is that you have immeasurable value. You are a beautiful, unique, priceless human being. The very Creator of the universe, in the person of Jesus Christ, took such an interest in you that He meticulously wove you together in your mother's womb. He loves you with a love that no human can fully grasp. Still, this is true not because of your so-called "sexual orientation," but, rather, in spite of it.

If Jesus loves you but hates your sexual orientation (sorry, "sexual orientation") maybe he should stop mixing in the gay yarn when he's knitting fetuses.
You are valuable and worthy of love because God created you in His image. If you define your identity based upon sexual temptations and behaviors your Creator has called sin — an "abomination" — then you are not fulfilling the purpose for which He created you. In so doing, you have become the sum total of your sins. 
I've known quite a few gay folks, but whenever I encounter someone who defines a person's identity solely based upon their sexual orientation, it's invariably a straight dude like Bam Bam.  Or, sorry, "straight" dude.
You are in rebellion against God and you know it.
♬ If you're in rebellion and you know it, clap your hands! ♫  Everybody!
He made you to know it.
Well, that seems like a design flaw.  I think Jesus needs to head back to the Yarn Barn for some fresh knitting patterns.
Yes, the activists tell you to take "pride" in your "sexual orientation," but you don't feel pride. You feel ashamed, and so you try, in vain, to numb the shame with more of the very behavior that causes it. You will never fill the void you feel with drugs, alcohol or more sexual acting-out. These things only expand your emptiness.
I would never accuse Matt of projecting, but for some reason this paragraph reminds me of a chunk of extruded plastic I owned as a child...

Christ alone can fill the void.

And He will.
That sounds like a threat.  Or an action movie tagline.  "Feeling hollow?  How 'bout I fill that void...  (COCKS GUN)...with a bullet!"


ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Highway to Hell, Beaches!

Carl said...

If I can plant the seed of truth in just one person, and that seed begins to sprout, then I consider this letter a success.

So, um, he's a closet case, secretly jealous because someone somewhere is having a kind of fun that he craves because it's illicit and shunned and he wants them to stop because he's not sure he can stop himself.

He's not the sharpest knife in the crayon box...

Anonymous said...

Brilliant work, Scott.Just fabulous.
Oh shit, just remembered, I'm not gay either.

Stacia said...

I, like Jeff Goldblum in The Life Aquatic, am half gay. Wonder which half will end up in hell? Hopefully the half with the stamina of a teenager.

My life got a little less sunny when I discovered the Greg 'n' Yakov review was real. My dad's family is from Southern Missouri, and grandma and her parents are in the cemetery of the long-gone town of Selmore. Because of "progress," the cemetery is now on the edge of the huge highway that holds all the Branson traffic... and just above the tiny cemetery, last I knew, was an enormous billboard with Yakov's grinning head on it.

Anonymous said...

the powerful homosexual activist lobbyist is legally obliged to announce, "This sodomy is brought to you by a grant from the Mobil Corporation."

I'm thinking it would be more like "I'm a powerful homosexual activist lobbyist, and I approve this sodomy."

Anonymous said...

"Indeed, truth is hate to those who hate truth" -- that would be a good response to the Catholics who claim they're being persecuted !

scripto said...

"I write this out of obedience to God."

Hey, me too! You think it would be funnier.

Kathy said...

Strange that god so often chooses imbecilic assholes to speak for him!

helen_s said...

"Your lifestyle - homosexuality - is always and forever, objectively and demonstrably wrong."

Fine. Demonstrate. Objectively. That means without reference to your invisible friend Christ Jesus.
Your move, Bam Bam, you pathetic sanctimonious shiteforbrains closet case.

Nadine said...

I just got a call from the Hanes Tube-Sock division, wanting an endorsement-- I think that they misdialed and were looking for BamBam.
How about this?
BamBam: "I only use Hanes socks for my personal sexual perversion needs-- and you should too."
Hmm... Lackluster at best. Riley could give a much better tube sock endorsement.


Anonymous said...

Yeah, I always think we should base current morality on the ideas of a bunch of people too ignorant to understand the mechanics of rainfall, who were primitive nomads stuck in a desert about three or four thousand years ago or so...and who thought eating shellfish was a sin....

Chris Vosburg said...

Jeez Louise, that is the lengthiest apologetic setup I've ever read as preface to a simple bigotry.

Others are content to do it in a single sentence, as in "I'm not a racist, but" or "some of my best friends are gay, but" but this is a truly heroic contribution to the pantheon of Those Who Believe Erroneously That Someone Somewhere Gives A Fuck What I Think.

If nothing else, I've gained a renewed appreciation of the brevity of Fred Phelps' GOD HATES FAGS placards.

Chris Vosburg said...

Scott, I am often self-critical of the obscurity of my own knowledge: Some of the things I know are things I wish I didn't know, like the lyrics to the Gilligan's Island theme (did you know that was performed by The Castaways? Shut UP, stupid memory), but knowing that an evening with Greg Brady is available in Branson for 35 bucks is just inexplicable.

How could you possibly have come to know this [laughing]?

Scott said...

Chris, I too have always prided myself on knowing a lot of useless crap, but I yield to no one in my admiration and awe for your hair-trigger trivia, loaded up in a snail drum magazine and ready to be sprayed at 1200 anecdotes per minute, illuminating your audience with little known facts and gruesomely slaying Edward G. Robinson in the process.

In this case, a few months back I needed a joke about Branson for a post, so I went to their tourist guide, and was immediately delighted by "Yakov Smirnoff's Dinner Theater," because it combines two of my least favorite things into one convenient package. So now, whenever I need a similar reference, I save myself the trouble of Googling "Branson + horrible" and just go directly to the YSDS page.

Carl said...


The half that makes it to heaven will be cloned to a horse's body, and you'll be a centaur!

With boobies!

Mmmmm, boobies....

lacp said...

Maybe he meant "professional" as a verb. "I write not to professional homosexuals, but to praise them." Sort of a Mark Anthony thing. No, it doesn't make any sense, but neither did anything else he wrote.

Kathy said...

God's love is infinite, but if you break his rules, he'll throw you into a lake of fire for all eternity.

Li'l Innocent said...

What KWillow said.

He's funny that way.

Anonymous said...

Scott, you're a genius. My answer to this guy never got past "Fuck you, asswipe."

Stacia said...

Scott, you're a genius.


Every single post, I'm reading along and thinking original thoughts like, "Oh go to hell" and "oh fuck off, jackass." Snark is hard enough; intelligent, well-placed criticism is nigh on impossible, yet Scott does it without effort. GENIUS.

round guy said...

Christ alone can fill the void.

And He will.

Actually, it kind of sounds like the beginning of a gay porn video.

Joann Prinzivalli said...

I found Matt Barber’s "An Open Letter to Homosexuals" WND commentary column to be an interesting peek into the misconceptions of the writer as to both Christianity and homosexuality. The Bible has been consistently misinterpreted for centuries by so-called “Christians” with an anti-gay bias.

As just one example, take the discussion of the right to marry, in a Christian context. The fact that in a marriage between opposite-sex spouses, “the two become one flesh” does not take one bit away from the fact that in a marriage between same-sex spouses, “the two become one soul,” as described in 1 Samuel 18, where David and King Saul’s son Jonathan get married (and later, David also marries Saul’s daughter Michal, becoming Saul’s son in law a second time). The relationship is woven into the passages from 1 Sam. 18 through 2 Sam. 1.

Every single biblical passage that Mr. Barber might claim as showing homosexuality to be sinful can be interpreted differently – there is no incompatibility between homosexuality and Christianity, and homosexuality does not have to be interpreted as being sinful, or disordered.

heydave said...

So funny. A fat fucking pig in a tie with something deep to say. Good times.

Joann Prinzivalli said...

A local weekly newspaper that ran the Barber column last week asked me to upgrade my letter to the editoe (which is similar to what I posted above) as a full-blown op-ed.

I't at pages 15-16 of their new (July 5, 2012) issue:


and it is immediately followed by a letter to the editor from the E.D. of my local LGBT Center.