But that's not going to stop me from taking out my Pimp Hand, rubbing some Lubriderm Pimp Hand Lotion on it, and pimping these fine products (even, if necessary, resorting to a dazzling display of Jazz Pimp Hands):
First, I recently had the pleasure of joining them again on their All-Star Summer Jamboree (or ASSJam) podcast, along with an international cast of geeks, for a strange and funny chat about Star Trek -- the series, the movies, the Priceline commercials -- which quickly snowballed into a time zone-spanning, trans-Atlantic Trekkian throw-down. Brits vs. Yanks! Spock's Brain vs. Deep Space 9! Shirts vs. Skins! (I'm assuming, anyway -- it was a Skype conversation, so the odds seem high that at least 30 percent of the participants were nude.) It can be found at the link below:
ASSJam Episode 36: It's All About the Penis
(I admit the title is at least partially -- okay, mostly -- my fault, but in my own defense, I was provoked to a penis-driven rage by an intemperate allusion to Rocky Jones, Space Ranger.)
Second, the latest (and sadly, last) episode of their video series is a treat for the eye (particularly if that eye is smeared with a vaguely star-shaped blob of greasepaint and shoots badly animated laser beams), because happily, the Boys are going out with a bang by giving their patented CommentaRIFFING treatment to:
KISS MEETS THE PHANTOM OF THE PARK
Oh yeah, baby. You know what Daddy likes...
The video is introduced by Webberly Rattenkraft, the Fact Rat, from KOFY TV's Creepy Movie Time. Unfortunately, the sound on his (or her) segment is low and a bit difficult to make out -- at least, it was on my computer -- but Mike and Ike's commentary (which starts at about the 3:00 mark) is extremely clear. Unlike the plot of KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park.
The Velvet Blog, who has turned Sheri and I on to many a bad movie (including the execrable art house offal, It's All About Love) has an article in the latest issue of Cashiers du Cinemart on the stunningly inept After Last Season (imagine a film smacking a gob. Forever.).
As Jim informs us, "It's kind of a review/interview hybrid. I tracked down several of the actors in it and interviewed them via email. One of them really dished."
A trailer for the film (which looks Birdemic-like in the scope of its ambitions and the limitations of its execution) can be seen in this post on TVB. Click the link and treat yourself to 100 CCs of pure, uncut, intravenous crap.
According to Jim (the author, not the crappy sitcom), "The issue also features articles on Bloodsucking Freaks and the Findlays' Flesh trilogy, so it also makes a great Mother's Day gift." He adds that while there are a "bunch of ways to buy it, but probably the easiest/cheapest is the Kindle version, available here.
"May I add for those old-school folks out there that Cashiers du Cinemart #17 (edited by Mike White of the Projection Booth podcast) is also available in a dead tree edition. I got mine yesterday, and I have to say ... man, print is cool, isn't it? It just has something that e-books don't.
"The print edition--which has illustrations not in the Kindle edition, I believe--is $8 (plus shipping) as opposed to the Kindle $5. It's perfect bound and looks great. For anyone who remembers the 'zine movement, this may be better way to go."
It's available here.
And finally, Mary, who's an early riser, has already completed her daily rounds of the Internet, and learned that today is the 9th Blogiversary of Thrilling Days of Yesteryear, which Ivan is celebrating with a New York Review of Books style thumbsucker:
In a world where social media outlets like Facebook and Twitter become more and more popular with each passing day…blogs are starting to become the equivalent of a Model T.He always gets so pensive around the holidays. But the question remains, when the kids start zipping past your rattletrap old blog with their sporty Twitters, and even soccer moms are running you off the road with their massive Sport Utility Facebooks, do you call it quits, or head to the show room and trade her in? Click here to find out, then wish him seasonally appropriate felicitations, and stick around to read the latest episode of The Adventures of Sir Galahad. The Black Death has never seemed quite so goofy.
Oh, Oh, I wanted to tell you something.
Shatner has gone lower than mere Priceline commercials.
There are now on SA TV commercials for a local lo-cost! insurance company called Dial Direct where he speaks from a desk accompanied by a little potbellied pig.They are obviously totes cheaply produced and really, really bad. But it's him all right.
Scott--Many thanks for the pimpage on my "After Last Season" piece.
May I add for those old-school folks out there that Cashiers du Cinemart #17 (edited by Mike White of the Projection Booth podcast) is also available in a dead tree edition. I got mine yesterday, and I have to say ... man, print is cool, isn't it? It just has something that e-books don't.
The print edition--which has illustrations not in the Kindle edition, I believe--is $8 (plus shipping) as opposed to the Kindle $5. It's perfect bound and looks great. For anyone who remembers the 'zine movement, this may be better way to go.
It's available here:
And may I add in closing: There are, um, printers in the basement you can use.
Re the Mike and Ike (and Scott!) Star Trek commentary, a thread at Roy Edroso's Alicublog about the conservative tendency to plunder and parse American culture for conservative messages finally wound up parsing TOS for top ten conservative message episodes, and a commenter named Hob delivered the best list, which comment I reproduce here:
"The City on the Edge of Forever": To save the future, a 20th-century pacifist social worker must die.
"Bread and Circuses": The Roman Empire is replaced by pure love and universal brotherhood as soon as Christianity is invented.
"Is There In Truth No Beauty?": Foreign diplomats are so horrifying you will lose your mind if you look at them.
"Elaan of Troyius": Women can control your mind if you let them cry on you.
"The Way to Eden": Well-meaning but silly hippies follow their crazy leader to a planet made out of poison.
"Spock's Brain": A man can live without a brain.
Okay, it's gonna be random comments (livecommenting!) on the ASSJam from here on.
What always killed me about Flash Gordon was the fact that after introducing himself to various aliens as "Flash Gordon", they all of them never call him anything but "Earthman" from that point forward.
Star Trek TOS is hilariously dumb fun, and there's really no way to mitigate the fact that "the future" was framed through a very sixties lens, which TNG had some fun with when they dressed up some crew members in those go-go-booted minidresses for a time travel ep.
TNG "Best of Both Worlds" cliffhanger, yep, they're quite right-- it was a lulu, and the Borg itself was a truly memorable creation.
Another Flash Gordon observation:
My favorite scene was of a Ming lackey answering the video phone, "Ming's Palace", in a tone exactly the same as that used by a guy at a chinese restaurant expecting to write up a takeout order.
Good line about "Dr Crusher" sounding like a WWF character, Scott!
Awesome sendup of the Dr McCoy character as a anachronistic throwback to the pre-civil-rights southern era, complete with racist smears of poor green blooded pointy eared Spock, Scott.
One of my favorite imagined lines is Kirk to McCoy in a jovial mood: "Hey, Bones, whaddya say let's go up to the bridge and pull Spock's chain for a while?"
Another favorite imagined line is Kirk to McCoy: "Meet me in the transporter room, Bones, and bring condoms-- LOTS OF CONDOMS!"
Great Odo comments about how good a shapeshifter can he be if he can't do a decent pair of ears.
Best Odo moment: Jake Sisko and his nasty little Ferengi pal steal Odo's bucket. Which he sleeps in.
Nice comment by Jillian on Roddenberry's similarity to Paul McCartney (dried up idea-wise but kept going).
"Does anyone have anything to say about Star Trek: Enterprise?"
Yep [laughing], pretty much.
Re the first Star Trek movie: in the commentary track for The Day the Earth Stood Still DVD, Robert Wise repudiated the Star Trek flick, but pinned it on extensive reworking of the movie while he was trying to film it, making it impossible to make it anything remotely entertaining.
I take him at his word on this.
re the JJ Abrams Star Trek: aren't any of you going to point out the gaping unlikelihood of the meetup with an aging Spock-- in a cave-- on an uninhabited planet?
Nope, guess not.
Well that was fun, and I think I may have a crush on Jillian.
Well done Scott, and the hillbilly feller who did most of the talking.
Thanks for listening, Chris. And I think we all had a crush on Gillian by the time the conversation was over. My friend P.J. was particularly charmed by the funny way she'd warble "NOooOOoo!" whenever Ike would say, "Okay, can we agree this particular episode was the worst thing ever put on TV in the Nineteen Sixties?"
Jim, sorry, I stupidly forgot to mention the title of the film you wrote about (it was late). I've made the correction, and added the dead tree details to the post.
when the kids start zipping past your rattletrap old blog with their sporty Twitters
And this wouldn't be so bad...but they're texting at the same time!
Thanks so muchly for the blogiversary shout-out, Scott, Mary and S.Z. I always try to give you guys proper credit when the origin story comes up, because I believe that there's plenty of torches-and-pitchforks to go around.
Thanks for the glimpse of Southern Hemispherical Shat, Suezboo.
Mormally I'm all in favor of actors selling themselves to embarrassing masters (those wacky Japanese commercials American movie stars used to think they could get away with before YouTube remain a constant source of delight), but indentured servitude to a local gang of con men selling cut rate insurance from the Cape of Good Hope is particularly hilarious.
Never have two reaction shots in a row without dialog
Not sure whose comment that was, but
why did no one explain this to Spielberg, the worst offender?
Also, a shout out for Rene Auberjonois-- he's one of my favorites, and his performance as Odo, the shapeshifter "constable" of Deep Spsce Nine was nailed well and true, and brightened every scene he graced.
For more fun, see his performance in "Brewster McCloud."
For more fun, see his performance in "Brewster McCloud."
And of course, he has that classic dialogue exchange with Sally Kellerman in MASH (1970):
"Hot Lips": I wonder how such a degenerated person ever reached a position of authority in the Army Medical Corps.
Father Mulcahy: He was drafted.
Wow, I'd completely forgotten Auberjonois played the chaplain in M*A*S*H. That's almost certainly the first place I ever saw him.
I totally feel your pain. It's hard to be an Internet hobo.
Especially one who's a social media techno-idiot.
Or maybe just an idiot. :)
Scott, I'd been meaning to mention a film to you that might deserve your tender mercies...*snarfle*...
"Descendents". Not the Clooney movie. "Desecedents" is a vanity production from Peru about a gang of third graders surviving a zombie apocalypse that takes place mostly in the memory of a little girl who has her mom eating her brain from the inside out.
Rene Auberjonois was the first lesser-known character actor name I knew, plus I love him in anything, so whenever I'd see him in something post-Benson I'd inevitably say, "Hey, that's Rene Auberjonois!" Thus learning that 99.44% of people will look at you funny if you say things like, "Hey, that's Rene Auberjonois!"
I'd check out KISS Meets Phantom of the Oh Whatever Nobody Cares Anymore, except I've seen that movie three times in the last year, and my soul cannot handle a fourth.
Stacia, I get that Look too when I squeal "Oooh, look, Austin Pendleton" who is my alltime fave character actor.I'm just a sucker for nerds.I may crush on Nathan Fillion but my heart belongs to Austin.
Suezboo, it appears we need to work out a sharing schedule for Austin.
Stacia writes: whenever I'd see him in something post-Benson I'd inevitably say, "Hey, that's Rene Auberjonois!"
Same here, I think in my case also because it's just so much to roll out that name in my rusty High School French Class accent.
(French Master told my parents, "Six months in Paris and he'll be speaking like a native!" which caused them and me no end of amusement because nobody, but nobody, in our family could afford to go to friggin' Paree, let alone hang out for six months there.)
I thought that was Joel Grey in the makeup
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