Saturday, July 12, 2014

Woman O' The Year!

Big news, everyone! Even though there's still five months to go, 2014's Woman of the Year has already been named, and according to reporter  citizen journalist blogger "Townhall Media's Marketing Coordinator" Rachel Williams, the winner is 26-year old Townhall monitor Katie Pavlich!

After being named "Blogger of the Year" by CPAC in 2013, and derailing Obama's re-election effort the year before that...

...this has to be considered quite the feather in her cap, even if the honor is bestowed by the Clare Booth Luce Policy Institute, and is pretty much a naked attempt to juice sales of their annual Conservative Ladies cheesecake calendar.
Yesterday, the Clare Booth Luce Policy Institute honored News Editor Katie Pavlich as the 2014 Woman of the Year. 
Despite the encomia listed above, some of you may have stubbornly refused to hear of this Year's Woman, but I can assure you that she does exist, and isn't a made up person like Donald Sutherland. (Not that Donald Sutherland isn't real, or is pretending to be a woman so far as I'm aware, but he does keep showing up in YouTube videos wearing Tom Wolfe's white suit and insisting he's the President of some bullshit country.)
The award ceremony also celebrated the release of Pavlich’s second book, Assault & Flattery: The Truth About the Left and Their War on Women , which is yet another example of her efforts to communicate a conservative perspective to those who rarely get the chance to hear an unaltered narrative. 
Katie's previous unaltered narrative was Fast and Furious: Barack Obama’s Bloodiest Scandal and Its Shameless Cover-Up (2012), which argued "Operation Fast and Furious wasn’t a 'botched' program. It was a calculated and lethal decision to purposely place thousands of guns into the hands of ruthless criminals. The guns weren’t accidentally misplaced or lost. They didn’t just somehow 'fall into the wrong hands' by mistake. The operation was a coordinated and planned effort not to track guns but to arm thugs south of the border for political gain."

Rumor has it that Katie's next book will unalter the narrative that Obama's foreign birth makes him Kenyan, when in fact it actually makes him a space alien, since Africa is overrun by chitinous E.T.s, as seen in the Dinesh D'Souza documentary, District 9.
After accepting the award, Pavlich took to the podium to address the crowd of ladies gathered at the Capitol Hill Club in Washington, D.C. 
You could hear a pin drop as the ladies listened in rapt attention to the untold stories left purposely out of history textbooks but brought to light in Assault and Flattery. 
This is clearly an important critique of modern politics, and as of press time has already received 18 reviews on Amazon, only two less than our book. So I predict that Assault and Flattery will dominate the national discussion the way Better Living Through Bad Movies did in the summer of 2006.
For instance, did you know the first Congresswoman ever elected was actually a Republican? 
I wonder if falling pins were still audible when Katie went on to tell the ladies that pioneering Congressman Jeanette Rankin was a Progressive Republican, putting her in the same boat as proto-Fascists Teddy Roosevelt and William Howard Taft? Or that she attended the non-Randian-sounding New York School of Philanthropy, served the underprivileged as a social worker, and labored on behalf of voting rights. She was also -- and the truth can be hard, ladies, but the unexamined life is not worth unaltering -- a devout pacifist who voted against U.S. entry into both World War I and World War II.  I imagine by this point the previously pristine audio conditions for pin plummeting were getting a trifle muddy.

By the way, when I searched "first u.s. congresswoman" (because both Sheri and Doghouse Riley taught me to take any assertion of fact by a wingnut as a Pavlovian signal to hit the Google), this was the top result:

I have all the respect in the world for Congresswoman Rankin; I guess I just expected that a tough pioneer woman raised in the rugged wilds of Montana would look a bit more butch.
Unsurprisingly, the young ladies in the crowd were quite taken with Katie. “I love Katie Pavlich and am a big fan,” one of them said to me.
"But don't use my name, because I'm not supposed to come within five hundred feet of her. Say, would you mind giving Katie this shoebox?  It's got a glittery, heart-shaped card inside, some of my very best pubic hairs, and a dead lobster, but my Fed-Ex guy keeps 'forgetting' to take it."
When asking one young female attendee if she believed there was actually a war on women, she promptly replied saying, “I believe in the war on women – but it is actually coming from [the Left].”
I don't mean to teach Townhall to suck eggs, but when you're fingering someone for a heinous crime, it kind of undercuts your big reveal when the accused is in brackets.  This is exactly why I hate those old William Powell detective movies, where he'd announce the name of the murderer while making elaborate "air quotes."
Pavlich details this phenomenon in her book as she explores the sordid past of Hillary Clinton. In fact, the book features stories of Clinton defending child predators and rapists (and, no, we are not talking about Bill Clinton)
See, some comedians can pull off edgy rape jokes. Daniel Tosh could take a tip or two from the sexual abuse stylings of Rachel Williams, "Townhall Media's Marketing Coordinator."
...and not standing up for women throughout her quest to gain power.
Okay, this is blatant sexism, and speaking as a man, I am deeply offended. How come when a woman seeks office it's a "quest to gain power," but when a man does it, it's just "running for election"? Why do only women get their most ordinary professional activities described in terms usually reserved for supervillainry? Does it never occur to the media that maybe we'd like a little drama in our lives, too? How come we're always Daddy Day Care and never Doctor Doom? If the MSM wasn't so biased against men, my trip to Ralph's to buy Tapatio Sauce would be reported as "Clevenger's grim crusade to secure an incendiary weapon that will allow him to enhance the interrogation of his own taste buds!"
Katie responded to the honor saying, "I'm extremely humbled and honored to have been chosen by Clare Booth Luce as their 2014 Woman of the Year. As liberals continue to push their blind agenda and harm our country with poor policy choices, scandals, and outright lies, I’m urging conservatives to take a stand and speak the truth."
--adding, "Do as I say, not as I do" while performing a difficult double finger-cross behind her back.
"The American people, and young women in particular, can no longer afford to let the deceptive rhetoric of the left dominate the national dialogue," she continued. 
Wait -- I thought the Left was safely contained, now that we had it bracketed.
"It’s truly a privilege to continue to work with my conservative colleagues in creating a more powerful voice for our cause.”
Increased calendar sales.


Cole said...

"I'm extremely humbled and honored to have been chosen by Clare Booth Luce as their 2014 Woman of the Year."

That would be the royal "their" there? Or, are Clare, Booth and Luce a triumvirate?

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

They were, Cole, until Clare crossed the Rubicon.

tony in san diego said...

"It’s truly a privilege to continue to work with my conservative colleagues in creating a more powerful voice for our cause.”

Sounds like a "quest for power" to me! Must be a secret Demoncrat!

Anonymous said...

Do you think the nice conservative young ladies could tone their voices down before I go deaf?

Yastreblyansky said...

I went to Ed Bryant's wikipedia entry and was startled to note that his 2003 successor in his Tennessee district is Rep. Marsha Blackburn, who actually is the nation's first female congressman (all previous female members starting with Rankin were of course congresswomen). So perhaps there is more going on here than meets the eye.

Sheri said...

Katie Pavilich is the kindest, bravest, warmest, blondest, most yearly woman I’ve ever known in my life. You can ask any of us young conservative women -- we'll all say the same thing.

maryclev said...

Yes, she was QUITE the "October Surprise". She was so surprising, that I STILL don't remember hearing anything about her in October in 2012. Well done, GOP.

Weird Dave said...

Increased calendar sales.

I'm in.

Scott said...

Sheri Johnson is right! And since she joined Young Americans for Freedom way back in 2003, she has clearly been young and conservative far longer than Katie (who is, and I really hate to say this, a bit of an arriviste).

Carl said...

She's quite predictable.

She's less an open book and more an open sore.

Li'l Innocent said...

I don't know about the young conservative ladies, but I have no trouble supposing that young conservative gentlemen (using that term advisedly) imagine Katy in a super-formfitting super-bad-heroine catsuits, masked, stilettoed, scaling the exterior of, say, the New York Times Building with whip on hip, in order to wail mercilessly on the corrupt inmates of Sulzburgerhof.

Katy, She-Wolf of the RNC.

Weird Dave said...

Sheri Johnson for Conservative Woman of the Year!

Oh, and, selling a 2014 calender in July? Really?

preznit said...

weird dave- makes the markdowns make more sense ;}