Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Like Our Friend the Bird, We Must Sometimes Vent

Stolen (with her kind permission) from Sheri's Facebook page:

I guess I've been reading too many pet ads, because it's getting to me today. So, I made up my own ads.

Free to Good Home
Loving, friendly, sweet 90-year-old woman. We are sorry to do this, because we really love her. She has been a good family member through the years, and has always been there for us when we needed her, but we just don't have time for her any more. Comes with a bottle of Ensure.

ISO Yorkie baby puppy
Must be house-broken, fixed, crate-trained, and able to be left alone all day while we are at work. Also, must be good with toddlers, because we want it as a birthday present for our 2-year-old. We love puppies, and would give it a great home! Free only, because we don't shop, we adopt.

For Sale, Pure Bread Adobeman Pincher
Not fixed, so you can breed dogs yourself! Not vaccinated, because it's only 4 weeks old. Eats dry food okay we think, because somebody is eating that Ol' Roy! Asking $800, because we are professional breeders.

Adorable Kittens!
Our cat had her third litter of this year, and they are so sweet! There are 8 of them, and you can have the mother too because we never really wanted her in the first place.They must go today, or we are taking them to the pound because we are tired of taking care of them. We think they are Bangles, so we are asking $25 each to make sure they go to good homes.

Moving, Must Sell Beloved Dog Rover
We are devastated to do this, but we are moving, and our new place doesn't allow pets. Yes, we were sad to learn that the town we are moving to is strictly for people, and no animals of any kind are allowed. They also don't permit children, so Bobby and Emily, are also for sale to good homes.


heydave said...

Sadly, I'm guessing these are rooted more in experience than imagination...

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Speaking of experience:

I used to have a paper route. And on my paper route, there was a yuuuge scary Doberman. Owned by a little very old lady!

Anyways, turns out they both liked me very much. Dobermans are very smooth and silky, good petting.

And that's my story, sticking to it.

Li'l Innocent said...

I think it's one of the sadder coincidences that the explosion of needy unhomed companion animals and the rising population of old folks ( a demographic I am kinda proud to occupy) has occurred simultaneously with the dissolution of the kind of household where someone is likely to be at home during the day ... and the related kind of daytime-functioning neighborhood. It's been a gradual process during the latter 20th century thru to the present. We'll see if the rearrangement of people's work lives due to the internet will mitigate the "nobody-home" scenario.

Anonymous said...

ANNTI sez..."

So well-done, Sheri, but so damned true. So-called "people" should have to pass a skills-set test, a psych profile, IQ test, and THEN WAIT IN LINE to be allowed to either "own" any animal (ha) OR TO CREATE MORE SO-CALLED "HUMANS." Like this attention-starved cunt who brings her NOT-READING-YET TODDLERS TO THE LIBERRY, like she's looking for a HOOK-UP or something, and thinks that the children's area is FOR HER TO HOLD LOUD & DEMONSTRATIVE COURT WHILE I'M TRYING TO CONSTRUCT A FUCKING ***SENTENCE***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Breeders. Motherfucking unrestrained and utterly UNTRAINED BREEEEEDERRRRSSSS!!!! I think that I just bitched enough to turn her down half a notch, but FURTHER RETRAINING WILL REQUIRE THE CLAW HAMMER OUT IN THE TRUCK!!!!!!

If y'all see me on the news tonight, don't wonder why...

But yes, Sheri, as always, you are brilliant and so right.

Anonymous said...

This article was on point. Sadly.