Sunday, January 24, 2016

Post-Friday Beast-Blogging: Special Guest Cat Edition!

By Hank Parmer

Tales of the Unexpected: Fred's Snowy Soliloquy

Oh, fer cryin' out -- will you look at this mess?

It's freakin' Nashville, dammit! This isn't supposed to happen. A little dusting … maybe a couple of inches that melt away by midday … sure, that I expect. But this?!?

What a revolting development.

I don't care if we Maine Coon Cats have thick belly fur and all sorts of nifty adaptations for this kinda weather, this isn't Maine and it still sucks dead baby bears – on toast! For one thing, I'll get ice dingleberries on my underside and between my toes!

Maybe if I beseech the Cat Goddess, She'll make it go away. What was that name again? “Vast” or “Blast” … something like that … aw, heck, I'll just make it to “Hello Kitty” and see if that does the trick.

Hmm, nothing so far. Could be She's doing something really important, like scratching around in the Heavenly Litter Box or sharpening Her claws on the Sun God's furniture. Or maybe she got chased up a tree by that jackal-headed guy.

Guess I'll do a little grooming while I wait.

I'm waiting …

If you ask me, these ancient Egyptian goddesses are wildly over-rated. Hell with it. I'm going back inside and bug my incompetent humans.

It's probably all their fault, anyway.


Li'l Innocent said...

Of course it's our fault. Typical mismanagement. You Don't catch our Overlords driving Humvees or bidding for offshore drilling leases -- and if they had lowered themselves to bother with opposable thumbs rather than outsourcing that function, you can bet your anthropoid arse they'd have signed the Helsinki Accord. Enforced it, too.

Anonymous said...

Utterly and completely our fault. We've scrod with the atmosphere mightily, to the point where tornados will be coming to California and Kansas will soon have beachfront property.

The only compensation is that the collective IQ of our nation will rise by attrition. Think of all the bozos in DC who'll be wiped out!

Li'l Innocent said...

I would just like to add, Hank, that your friend Fred is a superb fellow. Such benign majesty!

Kathy said...

"I'll pray to Hello Kitty..." wonderful!

Unknown said...

Yeah, blame and shame, Fred.We deserve it.But Algore is still fat.Much like you - oh, sorry, you don't have body image problems, I'm sure you know you're fab.

Debbi said...

Hello, kitty! :)

Hank said...

Fred is actually fairly svelte for a male Maine Coon: only 17 1/2 lbs at his last check-up. The short legs, broad chest and abundant fur make him look tubbier. (I'm grateful that although he loves the attention, he isn't a lap-sitter, preferring instead to perch on the arm of my chair.)

And yes, he's quite aware he's a handsome beast. I can assure you he accepts your admiration as his just due.

Since he was full-grown when he joined the household, I'm not sure exactly how old Fred is, maybe 10 or 12, but the last time we had a blizzard like this was in 2003. So it's very likely he's never encountered anything like it before. Bitter cold doesn't faze him: He'll spend the night outside when it's in the low teens. But deep snow is another story entirely. He was not amused, especially about having to be cooped up inside with that annoying youngster, Ninja.

Keith said...

Fred might have consulted with Stimpy, but I'm sure Stimpy was binge-watching the Muddy Mudskipper catalog during the blizzard. And Fred is a very handsome fellow indeed.

Anonymous said...

ANNTI sez...

Fucking LOVE THIS, and especially adore this cat.