Guys, I hate to do this to you, but I'm going to have to pass the hat again. I know it's right after the holidays and we're all tapped out, but this is a NATIONAL EMERGENCY!, and just as the Continental Army perished in the snows of Valley Forge for want of a few weevil-ridden Johnny cakes, so are patriots languishing at a bird sanctuary visitors center because they are no longer able to snap into a Slim Jim. Mark my words, this rebellion shall not fail on my watch! In fact, I'm looking into franchising the idea of White Guys turning Federal facilities into pop-up, Gitmo-style prisons and house-arresting themselves, because I think it's a tremendous blow for justice! And irony.
Hear me out...
Like the zebra mussel, white guys with guns are a non-native, invasive species that migrated to North America on ships and is proving very difficult to control. Now, I suppose we could always spray them from helicopters like the Mediterranean Fruit Fly, or maybe introduce a predator into their habitat (gun shows, Cracker Barrel), but I can't offhand think of a species which hunts the White Guy, not even the wily Northeastern blue-bellied cop, and I don't think we can afford to wait for natural causes (arterial plaque, toddler-involved shootings) to cull the herd for us.
Nope, we need a bold new idea, and I don't have one, so instead let's combine Mitt Romney's old idea of solving the immigration issue through "self-deportation" with the even older American notion of the reservation -- desolate and remote areas where Native Americans were shipped off to while White Guys with guns established squatter's rights to the rest of the continent. Unfortunately, we can't stage a new Trail of Tears, because it wouldn't be metaphorical this time -- the modern White Man takes his First Amendment right to whine very seriously -- and it would all be captured on smartphones and posted to YouTube, and I'm guessing footage of internal exile would make the government look kind of tyrannical, unless they could think of something fun to do during the exodus, like play "I Spy" or get a round of "Row, Row, Row, Your Boat" going.
So clearly, the answer is Self-Imprisonment: let's not dislodge these Minutemen (as their wives derisively call them), let's lodge them. There must be hundreds of isolated and half-forgotten government buildings these guys and their brethren could crowd into -- corrugated steel sheds where pesticides for the Tri-County Mosquito Abatement District are stored; the gift shop at the old Yucca Flats nuclear testing ground; the shack used by that guy from the state Agriculture Department who takes the annual skunk census in Mingo County, West Virginia (I mean, I assume that's a thing; I'd hate to think Mingo County is just guessing about its skunk population). Let's face it, guns are dangerous, and White Guys carry guns the way ground squirrels carry plague. But while you can keep a squirrel out of your day care center without Wayne La Pierre taking you to court, White Guys and their death-dicks not only have the run of the country, they can even point sniper rifles at police officers, the way Ammon Bundy's buddies did at his daddy's ranch, and never even risk a ticket, let alone arrest. So really, confining these pasty patriots to a secluded spot in the woods is the closest they're ever going to get to a jail cell. Or at least to a progressive dinner at the Unibomber's cabin.
So let's allow, even encourage these pastytriots to occupy our nation's ranger stations and nuclear waste sites, just so long as their guns remain there with them, under house arrest (and I'm serious here guys: your AR-15s and your AK-47s have to wear those tracking ankle bracelets too). And like Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, who managed to write A Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich while laboring in one of Stalin's gulags, the Occupiers would be free to write pamphlets and manifestos and exchange ideas (at a fair market rate of exchange) with fellow Constitutionalists who share their belief that the nation's founding document says private citizens can beat up the Federal government and steal its lunch money (incidentally, according to Merriam-Webster, the proper collective noun for such a confab is a blowhoard of blowhards).
So anyway, we should all kick in to buy these latter day Spartans some Fritos or something, before they get peckish and go home.