Wait, that doesn't make any sense...Sorry, I guess I panicked. Let me try that again:
Quick! Unhide the hooch, I just found out it's Dim Jonahue's dirthbay!
Okay, deep breaths, deep breaths...There. Good. Sorry about the haste and hysteria, but Jim took his birthday off his Facebook profile, presumably so potential employers will think he's still a fetus (it's all about Flaming Youth in the tech sector), but still demands tribute from his thralls in the form of birthday greetings, so I rushed over here all of a dither. Not Mr. Dithers from Blondie, because that's a specific Dither, and I'm really in more of a general, all-purpose dither. Anyway, had I my druthers rather than this dither, I would've written an appropriate movie review as a gift, but as you can see from all the vamping and flop sweat, I didn't have anything prepared, which bums me out because Jim really is a swell guy and a highly skilled movie critic (check out his autopsy on perhaps the worst movie ever made, After Last Season and his fascinating history of the Michael Powell/Emeric Pressburger rarity They're a Weird Mob, which seems to be some kind of odd, Stuart Smalley-like daily affirmation for racist Australians).
He's also willing to share the wealth, i.e., dare me to watch movies so bad even he couldn't make it through them, which is how I wound up experiencing a Danish art film filled with American actors faking Polish accents, and which climaxes with lighter-than-air Ugandans floating at the end of tethers like so many dirigibles at Lakehurst.
But enough of my deep and unending bitterness. Let's see what the stars have to say about Jim's destiny!
July 9 Zodiac
Being a Cancer born on July 9th, you are masterfully in-touch with your feelings, as well as those of others
In fact, Jim has touched my feelings so often, despite the court order, that a social worker asked me to point out where on the doll. Unfortunately, it was a Tickle Me Elmo doll, and all the touching sent it into convulsions, and eventually, respiratory arrest.
You are ruled by the inclination to mostly keep your feelings private and secretive. It is this mysterious nature that often frustrates even your closest friends as they struggle to understand you.
Frankly, I think Jim is up to something, and this whole "millionaire playboy" routine is just an act. I bet at night he actually dresses up as a giant bat and writes scathing movie reviews.
July 9 Element
Water is the element paired with your sign and in fact, you have the more fundamental relationship with water than any other sign.
Probably because you're over 60% water yourself. I'd say you two kids were made for each other!
It is the forceful nature of water that causes you to experience emotions with strong waves that you ride with understanding.
That's why I always watch Jim's face, and if it looks like he's struggling with some deep emotion, I immediately grab my surf board.
Likewise, you can sense even the most subtle ripples of emotions in others. As you embrace the positive qualities of water, you will grow as a sympathetic and compassionate individual. Be weary of the negative influence of becoming overly influenced by water, as you run the risk of becoming emotionally unstable.
And having to pee a lot.
July 9 Planetary InfluenceAnd since this guy is the ruler of the moon, he's totally the boss of you.
The moon is your sign's planetary ruler
So there you have it. Please join me in wishing Jim a very happy birthday, and a successful career as a catamite to Retik, Lord of the Moon.
And just to make it official...
Sexy Birthday Lizard!