Sunday, October 19, 2014

Sunday Sermonette: Let Me Be Frank About Swank

As I continue piecing together our archives from the old, hacked-to-death domain, I find to my surprise and delight that we have not yet exhausted America's Strategic Swank Reserve.  So please enjoy this homily from Wo'C Spiritual Advisor Pastor J. Grant Swank...

Originally posted March 5, 2009

Quick! To The Wombmobile!

While rich Americans are responding to Administration proposals by threatening to “go Galt,” Pastor Swank is planning to confront the evil head on, by putting guns in the proto-hands of zygotes and letting them shoot their way out of the womb.
B. Hussein proposes forcing abortions on everyone in health care, regardless of their biblical convictions.
No knocked up nurse or doctor will ever bring a pregnancy to term again. Signs will go up in every hospital ladies room:  “Employees Must Abort Fetus Before Returning to Work.”
If that happens, womb baby defenders will go into full action.
“Womb Baby Powers…Activate!
They will refuse to close anti-abortion hospitals. They will refuse to murder womb boys and girls, though B. Hussein enthusiastically goes the length to kill of these children.
I love when the pastor gets all Old Testament patriarch in his locutions, and wish more people would follow his example; I think it would really class up the country.  (”Honey, can you diaper of this child while I microwave of this Hot Pocket?”)
I did.  Turns out it’s actually a muslim murder machine, which I kinda took for granted.  But more importantly, Swank is no longer dependent upon websites like RenewAmerica and Mens News Daily to spread his aphasic message; the pastor has joined the late 20th century and started his own blog, which I can’t recommend strenuously enough.  Liberated from censorship and editorial nitpicking, Swank has seized the business end of the megaphone, and lets Swank be Swank!, giving his thoughts bold, catchy titles like “GOD DESTROYS WICKED ANTI-USA CLOT” and “RACIST ALLAH: BLACK = GROSSER HEART THAN DONKEY’S.”
Anyway, back to today’s Junior Jumble:
B. Hussein has professed himself to be “Christian” while undercutting the biblical ethic. B. Hussein is actually a Marxist Muslim; therefore, he can lie in order to further Allah’s Islam World Rule.
Couldn’t we just settle this with a WWE-style grudge match between God and Allah?  Or would that be too much like watching Toni Collette’s character from The United States of Tara try to punch one of her own alternate personalities?
As B. Hussein hangs on to his demonic convictions, genuine believers test his wickedness by demanding life over death for little babies in female bodies.
Can’t we just poke around in those female bodies with a fork until we find and pull out the little babies?  It works with those king cakes on Mardi Gras…
This is the fundamental test facing America.
And I partied all weekend instead of studying. Fortunately, the test is still multiple choice.


Debbi said...

Best sermon ever! :) Really!

Smut Clyde said...

little babies in female bodies

It sounds like they are crawling around in there like parasitic wasp larvae inside paralyzed caterpillars.

Weird Dave said...

...I find to my surprise and delight that we have not yet exhausted America's Strategic Swank Reserve.

Swank, if not a renewable resource, is a near limitless resource.

grouchomarxist said...

B. Hussein proposes forcing abortions on everyone in health care

"I know you want us to treat that ingrown toenail, but you're not leaving this podiatrist without an abortion!"

Pere Ubu said...

Have you considered doing dramatic readings of these for radio? Taking a bit from MST3K, you could have the tagline "Turn your crank to Swank!".

Scott said...

Finally! A decent excuse to start our own podcast.