Saturday, October 4, 2014

Happy Birthday, Dr. BDH! I Got You an Extra Face!

Today is Anything Can Happen Day! But only one thing did -- a birthday party -- so after we finish the cake and ice cream I'm going over to Jimmie Dodd's house and kick him in the shins for lying to me about this day comprising a quantum superposition of states.  (Hang on, I've just been informed that Mr. Dodd has been dead since 1964. However, so long as I don't peek inside his coffin, Jimmie remains both dead and alive, so I might as well bang on the lid with a Whiffle bat, just to be annoying.)

But back to the birthday festivities. Today is the natal anniversary of World O' Crap Chief Medical Officer Dr. BDH, which is perfect, because another doctor familiar to you all, Dr. Laurie Roth (see here and here) has unloaded on the unlearned with a gluteus maximus-load of medical jargon, and we need someone to translate:
'Slap another face on'
Obama face-lift doctors are getting their knives and scalpels sharpened to put on another U.S. face for Americans and the world.
Another one?  Are we involved in some sort of arms race with Janus?
The patient has tighter looking skin now as we are steadily reminded that ISIS and other Islamic radicals aren't Islamic at all. Now, quite magically, Obama has pulled out another "zappo" enemy the "Khorosan group.' Everyone already knows that this is just "Al Kae Da" with a new name and face...certainly not Islam in anyway.
Okay, let me see if I can break this down...Pointing out that fanatics who kill in the name of a religion may not actually speak for that religion is the moral equivalent of Skin Tight® Breast Firming Lotion. Also, Obama apparently is a witch-doctor, since he's using magic to fight a shoe company; and since Dr. Roth has a black belt in the Martial Art Most Popular With First Graders, I'm going to assume that "Al Kae Da" is "Tae Kwon Do" after it's been run through the Junior Jumble.
Just like in the famous "Silence of the Lambs" movie, when serial killer, Dr. Hannibal Lecter, sliced off the face of his guard and slapped it on his own face for the memorable and shocking escape, Obama has also sliced off the face of America and slapped on the oozing and bloody face of Islam and tyranny. More and more of us are noticing the blood dripping down our own necks. Occasionally, Obama notices a head missing in-between golf games.
So...Obama is the cannibal from that "Silence of the Lambs" movie, slicing off the face of America while his face-lift doctors are simultaneously adding additional faces; meanwhile, some other serial killer is taking heads (perhaps the Kevin Spacey character from that "Se7en" movie). This all sounds admittedly gruesome, but if my math is correct, we're still coming out one, maybe two faces ahead.
Obama is taking over chunks of our freedoms, through regulations and executive orders. 

"Obama may take our lives...But he will never take...our freeeeeeedom chuuuuuuuuuunks!"
Evil is now good and good is now evil. Islam is Obama's home base, and he will never go after his "homies" that are taking out all the infidels. Remember, Obama can't be blamed for anything but only responds after the fact blaming all else. He will always blame "intelligence leaders," "Republicans," "gun owners," and "Christians."
This paragraph has a weirdly compelling, stream-of-consciousness quality that suggests a racist with tertiary syphilis trying to explain the rules of baseball to a lawn jockey. It also makes me wonder what Dr. Roth's radio program is like. I mean, she wrote this down, presumably laboring long and hard over the wording and shaping each sentence until her meaning was keen and crystal clear. Imagine what comes out of her mouth when she's just making it up as she goes.
This time the "slap a new name, face, or blame game" isn't working so well for Obama. His polls continue to tank and go so low they are looking up to China. Is America and her idiot sold-out media finally starting to wake up? 
Must do
Must not do: add punctuation.
Everyone vote and vote right this time in the 2014 elections, then 2016. Put your emotions aside. We don't have time or the luxury to indulge and act out! Volunteer to watch and guard polling centers. There will be fraud and intimidation everywhere, so be ready. Bring your cell phones and subtly take photos and stay focused. Ignore those who try to get in your face.
In fact, don't even bring your good face -- wear your spare. That way, if fraud or intimidation want to get in your face, they'll have to drive over to your house and root around in that blood-stained hatbox you keep under the bed.
We will get back the Senate and fortify the House. How much we get back the Senate will depend on how we all vote and stay focused. Then, we must stay on those in the House and Senate like white on rice!
Brown rice on Line 2, doctor!
 We have to undo about everything that Obama has touched, and then rebuild our economy, moral base, freedoms, and international reputation. We can and will do this.
I like how Dr. Roth eschews absolutism. Some pundits claim that everything Obama has done in office must be reversed, but Laurie will be satisfied if we everything.
America must put her own face back on and keep it on.
Easier said than done, Laurie. Obama stole my face (just like the John Travolta character in the "Face/Off" movie), and there was a crowd at Claim Check and I may have accidentally grabbed the wrong one, because I don't remember my face having this handlebar mustache.  So while I'd like to help you take blurry cell phone photos of voter fraud and keep the House and Senate as white as Uncle Ben (the product, not the label), I have  bigger problems.  There may be a formerly mustachio'd man out there using my face to commit serial murders, while I'm stuck here with no option but to work as a mascot for Pringles.

So there we are. If Dr. BDH has any medical advice on how to avoid the face-filchers this election season, I'm all ears, because nobody stole those, perhaps due to a slight wax problem.  And in the meantime, please join me in wishing the Good Doctor a very happy birthday.

(Since he asked that we spare him the traditional Sexy Birthday Lizard last year, I'm presenting Dr. BDH with his own copy of Laurie Roth's sexy Cashbox Magazine cover, dating from her previous career as America's 12th Most Popular Alannah Myles impersonator:)
Happy birthday, Doc! As Casey Kasem would say, "Keep your feet on the ground, and your face stuck to your skull."


ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Watch out, Sheeple!

Obama will steal your face right off your head.

-blessed holy socks said...

Howsabout a perfectly cognizant, fully-spectacular, Son-ripened-Heaven? … yet, I’m not sure if we're on the same page if you saw what I saw. Greetings, earthling. Because I was an actual NDE on the outskirts of the Great Beyond at 15 yet wasn’t allowed in, lemme share with you what I actually know Seventh-Heaven’s Big-Bang’s gonna be like: meet this advanced, bombastic, ex-mortal Upstairs for the most extra-groovy-paradox, pleasure-beyond-measure, Ultra-Yummy-Reality-Addiction in the Great Beyond for a BIG-ol, kick-ass, party-hardy, robust-N-risqué-passion you DO NOT wanna miss the sink-your-teeth-in-the-smmmokin’-hot-deal. Cya soon…

Scott said...

Interesting comment. It's nice to know that the Afterlife is going to look and sound like Dennis Miller doing a TV commercial for Mountain Dew Code Red.

Weird Dave said...

Happy happy Doc.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

For the lizard people.

Scott said...

Ha! Nice one, Thunder.

preznit said...

Happy decanting anniversary, Doc!

Glennis said...

he will never go after his "homies" that are taking out all the infidels

Is that why he's bombing the shit out of them?

Yastreblyansky said...

"I'd like to help you take blurry cell phone photos of voter fraud"

It's just a quibble, but the photos should not blurry if you subtly take photos and stay focused as advised.

Yastreblyansky said...

should not come out blurry, I mean.

maryclev said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Thomas Foolery said...

Reminds me of the Billy Idol hit "ISIS without a face."

...I'll get my coat.

Sheri said...

Hope you had a great birthday, Dr. BDH! Of all the doctors on the internet, I like you the best! (I hate to say it, but some of the others are quacks, and others seem to be crazy - so congrats on being sane, intelligent, and funny!)

And Scott, Dr. Roth is a keeper -I had to pay attention while reading to know which stuff was hers, and which was your parody (hers was the stuff that was over-the-top crazy).

Scott said...

Ah, "Dr." Roth is bringin' it ful circle! I vaguely remember that when she ran against Obama in 2012 on the Pity Party ticket, one of her big issues was the Administration's plans to tag us all with RFID chips like pets and livestock.

grouchomarxist said...

More and more of us are noticing the blood dripping down our own necks.

Yes! And the spiders with heads like Oprah Winfrey are living in my eyeballs! Omigodomigodomigod get them out of my head!

Holy Mother of Pearl: so this is what happens when you take ordinary, garden-variety wingnuttery and render it down to concentrated quintessence of batshit. Just add some Obama and you've got your very own instant full-blown psychosis!

Happy birthday, Dr. BDH! May it be full of the chunkiest of freedoms!

Dr.BDH said...

Thanks for the all the well-wishing! I spent this birthday, like all the last dozen, boring my children with the story of Sputnik, the first satellite, launched on October 4, 1957, and how the nine year old me thought that was the best birthday gift ever. Thanks, godless Commies!

Meanwhile, I suspect "Dr." Roth may be suffering the after effects of some of those substances musicians abused back when she was on the cover of CashBox. Will Durst recently pointed out that Medicare will face an enormous challenge as babyboomers' acid flashbacks meet Alzheimer's Disease.

Carl said...

So that's when onions on the belt were the fashion?

Happy happy, WBDH, Poughkeepsie.