Sunday, January 11, 2015

Sunday Sermonette: I'm in the Tank for Swank!

Thanks to everyone for the kind words about Mary's dad. He may be coming home in a day or so -- coming home to a hospital bed in the living room, but that's better than living in a room in the hospital, since as Wo'C Chief Medical Officer Dr. BDH has observed, "Those places are filled with germs and errors."

Pastor Swank, Private Dick

Posted by scott on November 5th, 2009

I was feeling a little depressed about the repeal of marriage equality in Maine, when it suddenly hit me: Who better to seek spiritual comfort from in this dark time than J. Grant Swank, Pastor of Our Lady of Wyndham Church and Breakfast Nook?  Surprisingly, however, Pastor Swank doesn’t appear particularly interested in his local politics this week, choosing instead to pull up the collar of his trenchcoat, tug down the snap brim of his Fedora, and shadow the President around town.
Barack Hussein Obama discounts the realism of the final check-out.
We said final check-out’s at 11 and we meant it!
His pride is in zenith gear at the moment; no doubt his residence at Pennsylvania Avenue does him no good in correcting that.
No, you got a bum zenith gear, you’re gonna want to take ‘er back to the Dealer if she’s still under warranty.
Obama early on stated that he answered an ‘altar call’ at Chicago’s Trinity United Church of Christ. For an altar call to be scheduled in a liberal sanctuary is something else. He witnessed that he met Christ at that juncture.
Subject Obama and J. Christ then walked three blocks north on Decatur, and stopped for lunch at a diner called “Mother’s.”  Subject Obama had a plain hamburger patty with a Cling peach and cottage cheese on the side, and a glass of ice tea.  Subject Christ had some wafers and a glass of blood.
That church would have had to be white-hating Jeremiah Wright’s. How all Wright’s rant fits in with an old-fashioned Dwight L. Moody style altar call is beyond me.
Turned out the call was for Phillip Morris.  Scratch another lead.
Nevertheless, the point is that Obama has not followed through with a biblical lifestyle or scriptural ethics in public life; consequently, whatever happened in his soul was not abone fide conversion to Christ as Lord.
Seems this Christ fellow went by a whole host of aliases: The Carpenter’s Son, Horn of Salvation, Holy Thing, Head of the Corner, First begotten of the dead, Lamb of God, the Living Bread, Root of Jesse, Rose of Sharon, and the Notorious I.N.R.I.  (Coincidentally, “Bone-A-Fide” is the title of Christian rapper T-Bone’s 2005 album.)
Obama in fact belongs to one of the arch-theologically liberal denominations in existence. He attended for two decades a demented cultic type local church overseen by a warped black preacher who taught black elitism vs. white values.
I figured Obama had a enough juice in this town to fix the fight, so I called my bookie and laid a double sawbuck on black elitism.
Therefore, for Obama to continue on the theologically liberal journey is to understand how he takes no serious note of the Judgment Seat of Christ. The theologically liberal carve our their own religion, even calling it “Christian.”
Obama and his gang had been bootlegging Salvation, but now the Revenue boys were onto ‘em.
Obama is a prime example of this persona. His wife joins him in that.
Now that he is in the Oval Office, hubris rules his life more than ever, though in prior years it propelled him to claim the impossible.
Like a snake who talks, or some dead guy who hopped off the slab and ankled out of the Morgue. Crazy stuff.
That has led the non-thinking to follow him in mob hysteria, giving him messianic status.
Which is why Christ wanted to sit down and parley, once he heard Obama was muscling in on his territory.
The Bible teaches that every mortal will appear at the Judgment Seat of Christ at death. That includes every human born since Adam and Eve. That includes those of every religion and of no religion. One cannot escape the final check-out — the Judgment Seat of Christ.
Sanitized For Your Protection.
It is at that experience that the soul confronts the One who said He was “the way, the truth and the life.” Each of us therefore stands before Eternal Truth in Christ. Each of us gives an account of every motive, word and deed that transpired during our lifetime.
And make sure you and your pals get your stories straight before you go downtown, ’cause Christ is gonna double-check your alibi.
It is the same with his endorsement of killing womb babies. Obama has no regard for deity’s abhorrence of abortion.
Although deity seems fine with spontaneous abortion.  Maybe it’s like Planned Parenthood and he’s getting a cut of the action.
Obama lies. Therefore, he has no qualms about sleeping with lies accumulating during his daily rounds.
Obama is totally opportunistic. He says and does what will further Obama, not adhering to scriptural expectations.
Now of course there are scores of others who live that same immorality; however, what is unique about Obama naturally is that he is the President of the United States. His power over America is exerted mainly in the groove of anti-God, anti-Bible.
wondered how Obama Got His anti-God Groove Back.
And so they intercede on behalf of Barack Hussein and Michelle Obama and their children to be genuinely saved.
Yes, according to these photos and surveillance reports from Grant Swank, the Continental Oops, even Sasha and Malia are headin’ straight for Hell.  Think about that the next time you’re tempted to buy one of those knock-off Louis Vuitton bags from some stall on Canal Street.  Stick with the national brand savior, and always ask for Christ by name.


s.z. said...

Glad to hear that Mary's father is doing better. You and Mary have been going through some very stressful times lately, and the last thing you need is more worry and anxiety. What you do need is Swank 2.0. Disney or somebody should get on it! BTW, this is one of my favorite of your riffs on the good pastor. It would make a great noir private eye flick - maybe "The Maltese Jesus" or something.

s.z. said...

P.S. I am glad that Blogger now just takes my word for it that I am not a robot. Now I can start the Robot Apocalypse, and no software can stop me!

Scott said...

Thanks, Sheri.

What you do need is Swank 2.0.

From your lips to God-botherer's ears.

Now I can start the Robot Apocalypse, and no software can stop me!

Put in a good word for me with the Dawk One. (...or is it The Dawg One? The Dank One? The Dork One...?)

grouchomarxist said...

That's good news about Mary's dad. What with the nasty, drug-resistant bugs lurking about these days, hospitals are no place to loiter.

And this hank o' Swank was definitely worthy of a repeat. You ought to warn a Dash Hammett fan, though, before springing something like "Continental Oops" on him. Especially when he's got a mouthful of java.

This has to be the most coherent rant I've seen from the Pastor so far. It must have been an off day for the Swankster, but the whole thing is easily translatable into variations on one simple phrase:

"Obama's an uppity heretic ni-[CLANG!]"

maryclev said...

I want to thank everyone for the good vibes and kind words.

Dad is home now, but still kind of confused, he thinks we're all taking a plane trip to somewhere.

TBH, I think that's a fine delusion to have, and way better than thinking everyone is trying to kill you. (not that he ever thought that)

Helmut Monotreme said...

I think the 'maltese gospel' would be entertaining for a chapter or two.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Pulling rank with Pastor Swank!

Good luck, Mary.

Kathy said...

he thinks we're all taking a plane trip to somewhere.....TBH, I think that's a fine delusion to have

Unless you're flying United (or Untied)! Good luck to you and your dad!

Li'l Innocent said...

I'll bet you're happy he's home, Mary. Do you all have access to Visiting Nurses or any service of that ilk? They were great when my parents were getting home based care.
VNs are a prime example of humanity at its salt-of-the-earth best.

Like groucho sez, this is pretty damn cogent for the Pastor, but "uppity n-CLANG!" doesn't cover all of it, as it leaves out the bang, which I always get a bang out of. (To paraphrase Helen Broderick, at my age you take bangs as you find them -- if you can find them.)

For one thing, I think Swankie's wrong about each and every human being called to account; I think you gotta be a boney-fido Christian to stand on line for a large chunk of eternity waiting your turn to give an account of every thought, word and deed to Jesus. Catholic theologians used to argue extensively about the post-mortem fates of virtuous pagans, since they were excluded from the possibility of salvation by unluckily having lived and died BC.

Li'l Innocent said...

It leaves out the bang, which I always get a bang out of...

Theology, folks, for that first bang. Theology.

Even before your first slug o'java.