Friday, December 15, 2017

Right Nut Chastises Left Nut for Scrotum-Based Lifestyle

You remember Kurt Schlichter, the Fantasy League tough guy who likes to provoke and transcribe imaginary arguments with people who don't know he exists.  Kurt has squeezed several books and countless Townhall columns out of this premise, and now he's brought his foolproof question begging techniques to the dating scene, and the result is everything you'd dream it would be, assuming you're asleep right now and having a nightmare.


[Oh, not for you, I'm sure you're gonna be fine. But Kurt gets triggered like ten times in the first paragraph alone. So you might want to bring some extra popcorn.]
11 Things Every Real Conservative Should Ask On A First Date
Recently, a young being – I don’t want to presume its gender identity, but it’ll probably throw a hissy fit about my blatant chrono-shaming anyway 
Technically, I think you can only chrono-shame someone if you're a Time Lord.
– scribbled an article titled 10 Things Every Intersectional Feminist Should Ask On a First Date for his/her/xir fellow liberal freaks. It’s an illuminating view into the twisted minds of the SJWs, but the article never answers the first question we all asked ourselves reading the title: “Why the hell would anyone ever date an intersectional feminist?”
Kurt prefers a traditional, stay-at-home Fleshlight™ with strong family values and the Hands-Free attachment.
We Normals seek accomplices in reproduction, while SJWs seek accomplices in ideological onanism. 
I think it's a little prejudicial to label anyone who helps Kurt spread his DNA an "accomplice", when they're at worst an "unindicted co-conspirator" and in many ways, a victim themselves.
Take solace in the fact that we are totally going to outbreed these lunatics.
Nobody tell Kurt that antediluvian political opinions aren't hereditary.  (Of course, if he's right, he's in for a big surprise when he discovers his wife has been having an affair with the liberal mailman.)
But as conservatives, it’s vital that we also do some screening of our own. After all, the last thing we want to do is inadvertently turn down a Darwinian not-a-through-street and spawn more liberals. 
"I never would've impregnated you, Sharon, if I'd known you phone-banked for Howard Dean! Now our daughter's a lesbian and it's all your fault!"
I’m out of the dating game thanks to my closed-minded, heavily-armed, hot American-Cuban wife
"We haven't bred yet, because like I say, she's heavily armed, but I'm confident she's busy producing neo-fascist ova."
but let me try to help out you singleberries with some questions to assist you in detecting any right-swipes who are actually covert leftist weirdos, losers, and/or mutations.
Disclaimer: Kurt is a failed stand-up comedian who apparently studied under Mike Huckabee, so I must remind you that Management is not responsible for injuries due to Knee Slapping.
1. Do you believe that any group’s lives matter more than others? 
The answer should be a resounding, “Yes!”
Kurt goes on to affirm that "American lives matter more than the lives" of "perverts", apparently not having seen the news recently, and failing to note that the Venn diagram of these two groups resemble a pair of cells struggling, yet failing to divide.
2. How many genders are there? 
The proper answer is, “Two.” 
There are two genders. Not three. Not four. Not sixty–seven. Two. Male. Female. That is all.
He sounds like Picard defiantly shouting "There...are...FOUR...LIGHTS!" in Chain of Command, except Kurt has broken under torture (actually, just some harsh words), and is being super cooperative with the Cardassians.

Now here's another question, and I warn you, they get harder as we go on:

2. How many fish are there?
The proper answer is, “Two.” 
No! Idiot...The proper answer is "Four: One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. That is all."
3. How do you work to dismantle sexism in your life? 
The correct answer is, “I don’t. I work to support myself with a job so I’m not some freeloading bum feeding off of Uncle Sucker.”
Apparently Kurt has never been sexually harassed, nor read much about it, nor ever met a woman, as he seems not to understand it's a problem which occurs frequently in the workplace, where people have their jobs, which is all that separates them from bum-hood and a parasitic relationship with Uncle Sucker, who I guess is the new symbol for America, and is presumably a Black Cow with a goatee and a spangly top hat.
4. What are your thoughts on guns? 
Your date should answer, “You don’t have enough guns.” 
...while gazing with a disappointed sigh at your biceps.
This answer should come before you mention just how many guns you already have.
Exactly. In fact, you'll eventually notice that your date is answering all your questions a fraction of a second before you ask them, because one of you has come unstuck in time, and you must figure out which one before the meal ends, or you might screw up the timing of your patented fake-grab-for-the-check move and get stuck treating her.
Relationship Rule of Thumb: No one gets to first base without an appreciation of the Second Amendment.
Oh, I don't know. It looks like we've managed to skip a step getting to the Third Reich.
5. Do you support Israel in its fight against Seventh Century savagery? 
The only acceptable response is, “Oh, hell yeah.”
But the only legal response here is, "Your Honor, I object. Counsel is leading the witness."
Extra points if your date adds, “Every time the IDF launches an airstrike on Hamas an angel gets his wings. And all that land the Palestinian thugs are squatting on? That’s part of Israel too.”
For those playing along at home, psychopaths are a Double Word Score!
6. What is your understanding of settler colonialism? 
Your date must understand that it is awesome.
After confirming that she is indeed in favor of starting Armageddon on the West Bank, toss her a few softballs about chattel slavery, because no one gets to 3rd Base without a good argument against the 13th Amendment.
The greatest achievement of the last thousand years was the European settlement of North America (South America – whatever) and the building of the nation that is the greatest beacon of justice and freedom in human history – the United States of America.
I feel like we already covered this question with "settler colonialism".
Elizabeth Warren notwithstanding, Native Americans are terrific in many ways,
Personally I've never tried cooking them, but if you're gonna stoop to cannibalism and eat Plains Indians, then at least do as they'd do and use all the parts.
 including their legendary record as warriors serving in America’s armed forces, and they sure don’t need or want some lib doofus’s pretend pity. There’s no cheaper, tackier sentiment than a pinko rich chick from Brentwood calling Thanksgiving “a celebration of genocide” and whinging on about how those mean old settlers conquered the continent back in the olden days of the 1940s or something – as if she’s ready to pack up her condo and move back across the ocean with 325 million other folks.
Why do people even bother to say "I'm sorry," when the thing they're apologizing for is in the past! Get a TARDIS and say it while it's fresh, Doctor Whore!
7. Do you think socialism is wonderful? 
Your date should ask, “Is that a sick joke?”
Yes! Fortunately, due to Universal Healthcare, the chronically ill joke will get the treatment it needs.
8. Do you believe in climate change? 
The answer is, “Yes.” The climate changes all the time. What you really want to know is whether your date is a cultist affiliated with the liberals’ weird weather religion.
That religion, as theologians know, is called "Science" and wooing a believer leads to other awkward first date questions, such as "What manner of man are you who can summon fire without flint or tinder?"  (I know I'm leaving a Tinder joke on the table here, but honestly, I haven't got all day to waste on this guy...)
Here’s a good way to find out. Offer to drive your date, in a Ford F-150 pick-up truck with no catalytic converter, to a local wood fire BBQ joint that advertises, “We have the best ribs and the biggest carbon footprint in town!”
Chances are you'll get a $10,000 fine and have your smog certification suspended, and even worse, have to listen all night to Kurt bragging about how he punched up the BBQ joint's ad copy.
If your date’s response is, “But that seems like a socially irresponsible earth-crime against Gaia,”
You'll know she's fucking with you.
go alone.
Or you won't realize it was a joke and wind up boxing the clown, but at least you'll get a pissy Townhall column out of it.
 If your date’s response is, “Let’s Uber instead so we can both drink lots of beer,” consider proposing marriage.
There's no more stable foundation for a strong marriage than alcoholism. 

It's also a helpful tip for getting through one of Kurt's columns.

However, if your date uses the word "Uber" and she's not singing the Deutschlandlied, she's probably not the girl for you.


tony in san diego said...

Ah, yes, I remember writing shit in this style when I was a sophomore in college.

jsrtheta said...

I'm not a conservative, and I absolutely believe in the Second Amendment. I, too, believe the federal government should be barred from disarming the state National Guards. Which is all the amendment says. Not sure why he thinks this is a heavy lift for liberals, it's not exactly controversial...

But why is a Right Thinking 'Murican using a Limey word like "whinge"?

Debbi said...

What would I do without this awesome blog? You guys rock! :)

BTW, your blog's been nominated for the Liebster Award: That post goes live on Monday! :)


Kathy said...

Did he ask his hot Cuban wife these questions? It would explain why no children.

Michael said...

He may want to look at some actual data; here, for instance:

His world has already changed under him, and he hasn't realized it yet.

Tommy T said...

This just made my day!
Thank you.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

that picture of Kurt looks like he was just told that an elected official ISN'T required to swear his oath on the Bible....

Professor Fate said...

one gets the feeling that the hot Cuban American wife lives only in his head either that or at some point she is going smother him in his sleep with a pillow.

heydave said...

I would have to ask anyone out on a date with tool just what the fuck were they thinking!

Debbi said...

Thank you for this. This blog never fails to make me smile! :)

Dr.BDH said...

"Is that a cigar or your hot Cubano-Americano?"

Jimbo said...

You know, there are times when I can't tell when you're writing both sides of the dialogue just to mess with us or not. This is absolutely hilarious from the backwards American-Cuban to the delusional rant about the 2nd Amendment and "relationships". Kurt is no RW snowflake; h's a veritable blizzard.

Anonymous said...

please provide a BIGGER trigger warning on all future posts of such nature.
i just put out the fireplace with vomit while sitting in my couch.
the couch is 7 feet from the fireplace.
it happens when i interact, even virtually, with the thoughts of RWNJs

L. Stoole