The Masque of the Orange Death

Watching Trump's handling of the COVID-19 pandemic, it struck me as the most tone deaf, myopic public health policy since Prince Prospero locked himself and a thousand of his richest friends in his abbey and tried to party through the plague. But then I remembered our own Henry Tifft Gage, and his "Business First! Bodies Second!" approach to the San Francisco plague of 1900.

Henry T. Gage was a lawyer from East Saginaw, Michigan who followed the advice of Horace Greeley and went west to seek his fortune. He managed to marry the heir to a minor Spanish Land Grant family, and parlayed her real estate holdings into a single term as California Governor.

Gage served from 1899 to 1903, and is chiefly remembered for his resemblance to Hal Holbrook as Mark Twain, and for his tireless efforts to hush up an outbreak of bubonic plague, fearing the news would be bad for business. And Henry was big on big business; if he'd still held the governorship in 1906, I imagine you would have found him in the smoldering ruins of San Francisco, bitterly denouncing the Fake News and their irresponsible rumors of rubble.

But why would someone in a position of public trust basically commit negligent homicide, especially when there were multiple better options (Gage spent the last half of his term beating the Federal government off with a stick to prevent their assistance). Well, Gage was a Republican, and like others of his kind he paid greater obeisance to his constituents in the boardroom rather than the boarding house. But he was also a pioneer, and faced with a deadly public health crisis, he whipped up an avant garde parfait of science denialism, sociopathy, and personal pettiness which anticipated the Trump Administration by well over a century.

Gage began his political career as a corporate lawyer for the railroads, which basically owned California government at the end of the 19th Century, and proved himself just the kind of grasping, ambitious, morally gray lickspittle the likes of which Cornelius Vanderbilt, Collis P. Huntington, and E.H. Harriman doted on. In 1898 the Southern Pacific Railroad engineered his selection as the Republican gubernatorial nominee, but even with the backing of the railroad barons he only managed to squeak out a narrow victory against his opponent, San Francisco's Congressional representative.

He began his inaugural address by slavering over the spoils of the Spanish-American War, rhapsodizing, "The peaceful acquisition of the Hawaiian Islands, extending our empire beyond our Pacific shore, should be followed as a political necessity by the annexation of the Philippines. The center of commerce must move westward." Which wasn't great for the Hawaiians, and wouldn't have been fabulous for the Filipinos either, but it would certainly have proven a windfall for the railroads, a fact which the press noticed. One newspaper published an editorial cartoon depicting a railroad tycoon leading the new governor around on a leash, and Gage responded by "ramrodd[ing] a censorship bill thru the Legislature, restricting the press whenever editorial content involved politics or politicians." Again, c'est très Trumpy!

Gage demanded the formation of a "western merchant marine for the carriage of our imports and exports, and luring to our markets the nations of the world." Unfortunately, that year one such ship arrived in San Francisco with a cargo of imports that included "rats carrying the Third Pandemic of the bubonic plague."

The disease quickly gained a foothold in Chinatown, and Gage, realizing this could be bad for his patrons' bottom line, snapped into action by denying there was any plague at all, and by defaming the head of the federal Marine Hospital Service, who was in charge of quarantines.

When the U.S. Surgeon General arranged for a commission to investigate the situation, Gage immediately denounced their findings, and "denied the federal commission any use of the University of California, Berkeley's laboratories to further study the outbreak."

Sticking with his belief that "On a scale of 1 to 10, the 1st Amendment has to be the least important, right?", Gage tried to ram through another law, this time making it a crime to even report on the plague. It failed, but other laws gagging the medical community did pass, making it harder for the public to get scientifically valid information.

Republican newspapers in San Francisco backed up the governor's lies, but scandal sheets like the Sacramento Bee honestly reported on the pandemic, even as Gage begged the U.S. President to cancel the quarantine. Rebuffed, Gage took the Trumpian tack of fighting news with rumor. He accused the Federal government, especially the hated head of the Marine Hospital Service, of injecting germs into cadavers to make it look like they'd died of plague. Can a dead body develop a disease? I dunno, and Gage gagged all the doctors who could'a told me, so...

They say money can't buy happiness, and apparently it also can't be used to buy off a virus, because even though "$100,000 was allocated to a public campaign led by Gage to deny the plague's existence", the plague continued to exist. And while the plutocrats holding Gage's leash were happy to pooh-pooh the plague to the hoi polloi, they did actually want the pandemic dealt with, before it killed all their customers.

So Gage backed down in a sulfurous cloud of ill grace, and sent a gaggle of railroad lawyers to Washington to "negotiate a settlement with the Marine Hospital Service", i.e. the federal official Gage had been slandering. Why not just negotiate directly with the man, who was right there across the Bay? For the same reason Trump refuses to meet face-to-face with Nancy Pelosi: his grudge was > the lives of his constituents.

Incapable of doing the right thing for its own sake, Gage devised a means to save face, promising that if the Federal government would only remove the head of the Marine Hospital Service, then "the state would secretly cooperate with the Marine Hospital Service in stamping out the plague outbreak."

You caught that, right? "[T]he state would secretly cooperate" in stamping out the plague the governor publicly declared was a hoax. When they finally went in and decontaminated Chinatown, ground zero for the outbreak, the state denied it was an anti-plague measure and painted the massive effort as routine street maintenance.

And in a final Trumpian gesture, when the feds agreed to remove the head of Marine Hospital Service (remembering that the only thing he did wrong was be right), Gage reneged on their bargain.

"Despite the secret agreement allowing for [MHS head's] removal, Gage went back on his promise of assisting federal authorities and continued to obstruct their efforts for study and quarantine."


Ultimately, the plague--or rather, Gage's response to it--was his undoing.  Business interests appreciated the lies and censorship, but now that other states were beginning to boycott California exports--due to a runaway plague problem obvious to everyone but the governor--the bald-faced denials in the face of fact finally began to wear away at Gage's support among the monied class.

Say what you will about Henry Tifft Gage (and make it profane, I beg you), he was an incompetent and, one might argue, homicidal servant of the people. But he was also a loyal and effective servant of the railroads dating back to his earliest days as a corporate lawyer in Los Angeles, which makes what happened next all the funnier.

Because now Henry T. had a credibility gap, and the railroads had a fall guy. "At the state Republican convention that year, the Railroad Republican faction refused Gage renomination for the governorship. In his place, [they supported] former Mayor of Oakland George Pardee, a German-trained medical physician."

So after spending much of his term harassing the press, stifling the medical community, and stymying public health efforts to contain the outbreak, because the only Red Death he feared was scarlet ink in his patrons' ledgers, Gage was bumped from the ticket in favor of...a doctor. Which led--for me anyway--to a long, richly detailed, Designated Survivor-style fantasy in which our current government is decapitated by the disease, leaving the Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases as the highest ranking official.

Stay safe, guys.

Spwatch! Glurkle! Pwang!

Kurt Schlichter, as he likes to remind us, is a polymath -- soldier, lawyer, author, pundit, and ex-stand-up comedian -- although to me he'll always be a Don Martin-style sound effect.

Democrats Get Mad At the Russians; In Other News, a Dog Marries a Cat

I guess we should be excited that liberals and the media have finally sided against the Russians.

I guess you missed that hockey game between the US and Russia at the Lake Placid Olympic Games in 1980. 

After all, my college years were spent listening to them demand that we unilaterally disarm in the face of the Big Bad Bear.

Yeah, I don't remember that at all. Maybe you were drunk. And in a gay bar. And people were suggesting that you unilaterally disrobe in the face of a big, hairy gay man. The disco music got pretty loud in those places, so it's not surprising you misunderstood.

And then my post college years were spent in West Germany with the mission of killing Russians for as long as I could before my platoon and I were wiped out. 

And how many did you kill? None? At all? Gee, nice work if you can get it...

So welcome to the party, you pinko dorks. It’s about freaking time.

There was an accident on the 405! Look, just take my coat and point me to the bar. I can't believe I passed up an invitation to the Peterson's progressive dinner for this...!

But apparently now me and a bunch of other certified Cold Warriors – yeah, the Army gave me a certificate for perfect attendance in the Cold War – 

Really? You were standing in the Fulda Gap from 1947 to 1991? Boy, did you pull the crap shift! (By the way, does Kurt's claim remind anyone else [besides Ivan, of course] of Dobie Gillis's Dad bragging on his Good Conduct Medal from World War II?)

are Putin’s pals because we are enjoying the hell out of the strongman’s perfectly timed disclosure of the DNC’s purloined emails.  They make undeniable what we always knew, and what the Democrat-owned media has tried desperately to hide; that the Democratic Party is not a political party but a crime cartel peddling lies, trading influence for dollars, and crushing the aspirations of anyone stupid enough to actually believe in it.

So it's a good news/bad news kind of thing? Bad news is, America will be ruled by a dream-crushing crime cartel for the next four years. Good news is, Kurt will defect to Moscow like Kim Philby.

Of course, the DNC’s reaction to revelations was not to change its ways. No, all it did was dump that babbling half-wit Debbie Wasserman Schultz, a sacrifice akin to giving up Spam and Clamato smoothies for Lent.

I probably don't have to remind you guys that Kurt was a stand-up comedian (he always closed with the "Spam and Clamato smoothies for Lent" joke because it's what comics called "a killer bit" and Republicans call "a Second Amendment solution".

Did Putin do it? I bet he did, but then I was never stupid or dishonest enough

Oh give yourself some credit, Kurt. Maybe try a Daily Affirmation ("I'm stupid enough, I'm dishonest enough...")

So why did Putin do it? Who knows? It night be chaos – the ex-KGB spy sure loves chaos.

It night be chaos, or it night be some other fake espionage organization like T.H.R.U.S.H., or S.P.E.C.T.R.E., or HYDRA, or H.A.R.M., or even C.H.U.M.P.

Does Putin want to avoid four years of dealing with President Felonia Milhous von Pantsuit? 

"The Davenport Funny Bone is proud to present..."

Now, Obama has been shafting allies for eight years

Because he's one baaaaad mother--

At the end of my career

Oh, is this the column that did it? Well, I can't say I'm hugely surprised...

some of us grizzled colonels and sergeants major sat around with our young captains and majors, reminding them that we still had a few tricks up our camo sleeves. You see, while these amazing young warriors knew everything there was to know about chasing insurgents, there was something us old warhorses knew how to do that they didn’t. We knew how to kill Russians.

Not Russian soldiers, obviously, since that didn't happen, but were a number of Russian prostitutes who went missing around this same time. Not that I'm implying anything. I think it's obvious Kurt's knowledge of both Russian-killing and sex remains theoretical.

 If I didn’t need a Russia Is Not Our Pal 101 seminar from those young studs

Okay, maybe not entirely theoretical. Perhaps a perfect attendance record during the Cold War entitles you to one pity handjob from a second lieutenant.

I sure as hell don’t need it from a bunch of fellow traveling progressive schmucks who have been kissing bear tail since Stalin grew a moustache.

Kurt Schlichter. Ex-soldier. Alleged Lawyer. Failed comedian. And current Townhall columnist, because at Townhall, the whole is always less than the sum of its parts. 

Autolieography

By Keith

Poor Dr. Carson. He's written an autobiography that doesn't pass the muster of fact-checking from the bean-counters in corporate media.

I, Keith, haven't written an autobiography, partly because Mary advised Scott not to ghostwrite at the rate that I offered to pay. But there are many instances in my history on the planet where I have demonstrated outrageous or courageous behavior. And no one believes me either. Let's enumerate the good times.

Keith Originated The “War on Christmas”

The “War” began Dec. 2, 2006, at a Barnes & Noble near you. I'm not sure why but most likely James Taylor's shitty “holiday-themed” CD being in constant rotation throughout the store was the trigger event.

After listening to the awful cover of Baby, It's Cold Outside for 40 or so times I snapped. I took the CD out of the machine, wrote “Death to Baby Jesus” on the play side with a sharpie then threw it into the return bin on top of John Legend.

A pregnant silence descended over the store to be followed by cheers of relief and gratitude from shoppers on all floors. It really happened, honest. I got a quarter raise as a result.

Keith Destroyed Chris Rock's Crummy Career

Yes, it's true. I never liked that A-Hole. This occurred at the same Barnes & Noble store near you. He came in late one night and tried to be funny. You know, “funny.” I said “Hey, bro, aren't you my man Chappelle?” End of story.

Keith Killed Pier Paolo Pasolini

This one is very hard to live up to. I was looking forward to Salo: 120 Days of Sodom but after viewing thought it was his worst film ever. It wasn't up to the artistic or even the technical standards he showed us in Teorema or Mama Rosa. After we had sex on the beach, I ran over him with the Fiat he had rented. There was some damage to the car and some sand between the seats, so I had to pay extra on return but it was worth it, I'll tell you. Don't believe it? I kept his American Express card as a trophy!

Keith Owns Gram Parson's Remains

Don't believe the hype about the cremation in the desert. He's in my basement freezer. He looks great after wiping off the frost accumulation. I check him out about twice a year.

You see, even ordinary folk like myself are capable of doing things that leave one open to scrutiny in later life. And here's a presidential candidate trying to convey some sense of himself and yet is treated to obvious disdain and ridicule. I'm stopping here because no one will believe I murdered Laura Palmer. It was so long ago …

Whiniest Living Confederate Widow Tells All

Todd Starnes, Fox News Radio squeeze toy and the most Dick Van Patten looking mofo since the death of Dick Van Patten, is in a snit about the impending dearth of Confederate tchotchkes, and you can kind of understand his concern, since there's only thirty-one shopping days till Treason Season.

The Cultural Cleansing of the Southern States Begins 

A full-fledged cultural cleansing of the Southern states is underway as lawmakers debate whether to remove Confederate flags and rename schools and parks named after Confederate war heroes.

I hope we have enough Old Dutch Culture Cleanser® on hand. Although I bet we actually don't, since we seemed to have culturally cleansed the Old Dutch -- at least I assume that's the reason I can no longer walk down to the windmill-shaped corner bakery for a delicious Van de Kamp's coffee cake.

There are also discussions in Washington, D.C. about removing Confederate-related statues from the U.S. Capitol — including a statue of Jefferson Davis, the former president of the Confederacy.

Okay, why do we even have a statue of an enemy head of state in the U.S. Capitol? The only possible excuse would be if the statue were actually hollow, and if you pressed his waistcoat buttons in the correct order a secret passage would pop open, leading to a hidden chamber full of Confederate gold. (Attention Producers of the National Treasure franchise: call me.)

Republicans, meanwhile, are leading the charge in South Carolina and Mississippi to remove the Confederate flag — called a symbol of hate and racism.

Which is a totally unfair thing for the passive voice to call it. True, white men rallied under that banner and killed other men for the right to own black people, but slavery was so much more than just hate and racism. It was also torture and rape, so let's give Dixie its due.

Has the Department of Homeland Security classified the Sons and Daughters of the Confederacy as right-wing hate groups, yet?

No time like the present!

Meanwhile, there are dozens of reports from around the southeast of lawmakers hoping to rename parks and schools and streets that were originally named in honor of Confederates.

Well maybe we should give some of America's other traitors a chance. Benedict Arnold Elementary School?  Aaron Burr Dog Park?  John Walker, Jr. Junior High?

*Tennessee lawmakers are demanding that a bust of Nathan Bedford Forrest be removed from the statehouse;

Given that Nathan Bedford Forrest was a slave trader, war criminal, and -- as the Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan -- a domestic terrorist, perhaps they could exhume his mouldering corpse and replace the bust with his actual head; that would probably satisfy everyone.  Or better yet, increase Bedford's visibility and finally pay him the honor he's due by sticking his pointy brain case on a pole outside the statehouse. Better late than never.

Actually, I bet the Yalies beat us to it and his head's sitting on a shelf in the Skull and Bones clubhouse between Martin Van Buren and Pancho Villa.

*Baltimore lawmakers want to rename Robert E. Lee Park;

Can't imagine why a majority Black city would be unenthusiastic about honoring a slave-owning traitor who spilled an ocean of blood to keep their ancestors in chains. Maybe they could compromise and just pretend the whole thing was named after a Korean guy.

*Dallas lawmakers are considering demands to rename Stonewall Jackson Elementary School;

Hopefully they'll keep up the tradition, though, and name it after some other officer who was fragged by his own men.

*St. Louis lawmakers are debating over the future of a confederate statue in a city park;

Lawmakers debating. It's like we're watching the death of democracy in real time.

*Commissioners in Hillsborough, North Carolina are debating whether to remove the words “Confederate Memorial” from a Confederate memorial.

It's not their fault. The FDA issued new regulations, and now anything labeled "Confederate Memorial" has to contain a minimum of "10% Real Confederates." And no added sugar.

*The Memphis City Council voted in 2013 to rename three parks – Confederate Park, Jefferson Davis Park and Nathan Bedford Forrest Park.

Forrest again? Surely we could spread the wealth and name the grassy places where we take our children to play after some of our nation's other proto-Nazi massacre mavens?

It won’t be too long before they start renaming cities and towns and counties named after Confederates. And I reckon it’s only a matter of time before they bulldoze the Confederate grave yards and war memorials too.

Actually, we should probably leave the graveyards intact, but build tract homes on top of them, thereby setting up the next sequel in the Poltergeist franchise. This is America, people! Let's not leave money on the table...

Maybe we can just pretend the Civil War never happened.

Or maybe you can finally admit that it did, and you guys lost.

I’m assuming Hollywood will cooperate with the South’s cultural cleansing by eradicating any copies of “Gone with the Wind” and “Forrest Gump.” Forrest was named after the aforementioned Nathan Bedford Forrest.

Okay, you actually make a good point here. I don't want moviegoers to forget, even for a moment, that one of cinema's premier morons was descended from Nathan Bedford Forrest.

I do wonder, though, about those good ole boys from Hazzard County. What are Bo and Luke Duke are going to do with the General Lee?

Apparently use it to promote an app for used car listings.

Maybe they could just paint a rainbow flag on top and call it the General Sherman. 

He culturally cleansed the South, too.

Yep. He gayed that place to a cinder.

Tricksy Obamases!

You may remember D.W. Wilbur, owner of "Secur-Intel-Solutions" (motto: Find the Missing "E" and Get 10% Off Your Next Mall Cop!"). Wilbur (or Dee-Dubya, as our friend grouchomarxist calls him), apparently thinks Obama is after his Precious, and demands to know what the President has got in its pocketses.

D.W. Wilbur in undated file photo.

'Tricky' Barack 

During his presidency and throughout his political career former President Richard Nixon was derisively tagged by the liberal media as “Tricky Dick” for his supposed record of deceit and dishonesty.

You know, I hate to get nitpicky right out of the gate, but if you can't look at Richard Nixon and spot a crook, I doubt whether your mall cops will be any help at all in stemming the rash of napkin thefts at Sbarro.

 It was a nickname deserved or not that stuck with Nixon after his resignation from the presidency and into his forced retirement.

I suppose if we wanted to determine whether Nixon's infamy was deserved or not, we could review the circumstances that caused him to become the first and only president in American history to resign and enter a "forced retirement," but just as correlation does not imply causation, it would be equally wrong to assume that "cause" implies "effect."

Fast forward to the year 2015 and it would seem that the appellation “Tricky” would more appropriately fit the current resident of the White House, Barack Obama. In fact Obama’s record of deceit and dishonesty both precedes his taking up residence at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, and has continued unabated for six years.

My feeling is, if you're going for a "record of deceit and dishonesty" don't go for a "supposed" one like Nixon did, because that kind of wishy washiness is just going to earn you an asterisk in the record book.

Barack Obama’s entire career appears to have been one of deceit, from his denial of his close association with the anti-American ‘Reverend’ Jeremiah Wright to his friendship with domestic terrorist Bill Ayers. Barack Obama was dishonest about these relationships during his first campaign for the presidency and he has continued his many canards up to the present.

I was a little confused about 'Reverend' being in quotes, since Jeremiah Wright was indeed the Senior Pastor of his church for over thirty years, and holds two master's degrees and a doctorate, but then I realized, with all the deceit and dishonesty going on, it's probably like the Mafia, where everyone has a nickname (Barack "Tricky" Obama, Jeremiah "Reverend" Wright, Antonin "Big Tuna" Scalia).  Anyway, D.W. "Dee-Dubya" Wilbur delves into this tribal custom in greater detail in his forthcoming techno-thriller, A Clear and Present Canard.

During his 2008 campaign Barack Obama worked diligently at passing himself off as a moderate-to-just left of center politician, but certainly not the extreme leftist politician that he revealed himself to be once he took office. 

I'm wondering if Dee-Dub was born left-handed and his parents made him use his right, since I understand that can lead to a lifelong inability to tell one from the other.

During his brief conversation with Joe the Plumber he inadvertently let slip his true intentions to “spread the wealth” if elected. But his campaign along with a pliant news media quickly went to work to downplay this exchange.

Well, since the wealth hasn't spread, but continued its steady upward trajectory, maybe it was a misquote. I'm guessing Obama, learning that Joe was a plumber, advised him to "spread the cheeks" in order to produce a more awe-inspiring plumber's crack.  And while we're on the subject, why isn't it Joe "The Plumber"?  That's literally the most mobbed up sounding sobriquet this side of Tommy "The Butcher" Pitera and the guy can't get a couple of lousy scare quotes? Sic transit gloria mundi.

Once taking office Obama was quick to display his true ideology and agenda.

I remember that day. The leftist agenda lasted almost till lunch.

His continuous attacks on those who are successful remains unrestrained.

I can see why Mr. Wilbur is worried. When we first discovered him back in October, the website for Secur-Intel-Solutions, the counter-terrorism fantasy camp where he teaches future Days Inn security guards the Vulcan Nerve Pinch and the G.I. Joe Kung Fu Grip, had seen only 883 visitors. But now, three months later, it boasts a total of 1261! Admittedly, most of those are probably World O' Crap readers and Mr. Wilbur himself, but still, that kind of success is bound to bring on unrestrained attacks from the president.

 And he has forced a social agenda onto the military allowing openly gay individuals to serve, and to open front line combat units to women.

Which allowed Joni Ernst to campaign for Senate claiming to be a "combat veteran," so the joke's on Obama.  If Iowa is smart, they'll elect an openly gay vet as their next Senator and really stick it to the president.

Rushing to claim ‘symbolic parenthood’ to Trayvon Martin, the president also sent White House representatives to attend the funeral of Michael Brown, an eighteen-year-old thug killed after committing a robbery and then attacking a police officer, and inviting the fraud Al Sharpton to be a trusted White House advisor. Obama’s racial politics are obvious.

Unlike Dee-Dubya's racial politics, which are cloudy with a chance of meatheads.

From free ‘ObamaPhones’ and ‘Cash for Clunkers’, to ‘ObamaCare’ and now ‘Free Community College for everyone’, Barack Obama has engaged in a spending binge on an unparalleled level and has waged an ongoing war against “the rich” at every opportunity.

And yet the deficit continues to shrink!  It must have been to exposed to that same mysterious fog that so tragically altered Grant Williams, and if things go on like this, it will one day find itself trapped in the basement of the Treasury building, battling to the death with a common household spider.

Fig 1: 2015 Federal Deficit, seen at right in burlap tunic. Source: Congressional Budget Office.

While his liberalism was obvious for all to see in 2008, no one could foresee just how extreme his liberalism would become apparent once he took office. This he was determined to conceal from the American people.

And yet they re-elected him, even after he took office and revealed his previously hidden "true ideology and agenda," which I guess means the American people are Communists, morons, or we just really like magic tricks.

Barack Obama has indeed concealed many tricks up his sleeve since taking office, and the next two years promise to be a continuation of the same. Tricky indeed.

There's a slim chance that American democracy can survive twenty-four months of non-stop presidential card tricks, but if Obama ever sees that ad in the back of Mystery in Space comics which promises to unlock the ancient secret of ventriloquism...

We're doomed.

The Benefits of a Classical Education

You may remember the PolitiChicks as "The Voice of the Conservative Woman," and also as a kind of collective wingman for the "Hottest Conservative Supermen in America," talking up the sexual prowess of ubermenschen such as Jonah Goldberg, Hugh Hewitt, and Louis Gohmert.

But it's not all about intensely blonde women catcalling intensely white men, because some of the Politichicks are actually PolitiDicks, such as Dr. J.P. Sloane, who takes a subject -- occasions and events appropriate for the National Cathedral -- which in lesser hands might prove rather bland, and spices it up for the holidays with a dry rub of parochial panic:

Our Nation's Cathedral-Mosque-the Abomination of Desecration Has Begun!

Judging by the title, Dr. Sloane appears to have a gift for light verse in the vein of Ogden Nash, if Nash had spent less time writing poems about baseball and animals and more time scribbling couplets about holy war.  Otherwise, his work is new to World O' Crap, so let's skip to the bottom of the article and check his c.v.:

Dr. Sloane graduated from: Purdue University, The Institute of Charismatic Studies at Oral Roberts University, The Moody Bible Institute, and The Institute of Jewish-Christian Studies.

Dr. Sloane is also the World's Leading Wayne Newton Impersonator...

...so you can see why he chose to take an advanced degree in Charisma.

He earned a B.A., Summa Cum Laude, from The Master’s College where he studied at their IBEX campus in Israel and earned an M.A. in Counseling.

The Master's College is not, surprisingly, where all those negligee-wearing co-eds in Manos, The Hands of Fate matriculated, but a Bible school in suburban L.A. County (with a satellite campus in Israel staffed by a faculty of wild goats). Their mission statement calls for "Intellectual growth, as evidenced by," among other things, "Willingness to defend the inerrancy, authority and sufficiency of the Scriptures."

Anyway, the sheer number of schools he's attended is Palinesque, and we're not even done, because Dr. (or should I say "Dr."? I probably should) Sloane "earned two doctorates" from Trinity Theological Seminary, which is an unaccredited correspondence school in Indiana.  And all this while cultivating a PTL-worthy pompadour and a pencil mustache!

So let's see what's caused "Dr." Sloane's consternation about the abomination desecration. I'm gonna guess it's religious desegregation, leading to Muslim indoctrination.

America was founded on the premise that we are the second Israel because—like Israel—we were founded to honor the God of the Bible and His Laws.

I guess I missed that Article in the Constitution, but I'll admit I started skimming about halfway through, and then just skipped to the end to see who did it.  However, assuming, arguendo, that we were founded to be the "second Israel," this raises the question of whether we're a good sequel, like Captain America: The Winter Soldier, or a bad sequel, like Highlander II: The Quickening.  Or perhaps Israel is just a really crappy prequel, like Episode One: The Phantom Menace.

 In 1607 the very first act of the first English speaking settlers was to plant a huge Cross on Cape Henry at Virginia Beach dedicating America and the new continent to Christ. 

Their second act was to promptly begin starving to death.

This act was followed by the Pilgrims arrival in 1620 who made a covenant (Mayflower Compact) with God between themselves and their new land. Our Constitution is based on that covenant.

That explains why the Preamble to the Constitution spends so much ink kissing the king's ass. Anyway, I'm sure the Iroquois are relieved to be off the hook for an alleged compendium of civil rights that can't even manage to prohibit torture. At least not according to Justice Scalia.

The discoverer of this new land by Europeans was Christopher (means “Christ-bearer”) Columbus. One of the main purposes of his adventure was to spread the gospel of Jesus Christ to the heathens.

He did this primarily through slavery, disease, and murder, since televangelism hadn't been invented yet.

On 9/11 God sent a harbinger (sign of warning) to Israel in the form of attacks by Assyria when they began turning their backs on God and seeking other supernatural sources (Isaiah 8-9). 

Sadly, ancient Israel missed this sign of warning through a clerical error; since the Gregorian calendar hadn't been invented yet, they actually got the September 11 harbinger on 16 Elul. Also, let's face it, Isaiah is a pretty action-packed book, and they could easily have been distracted by all the satyrs and dragons in chapter 13 (h/t to Yastreblyansky)

In England the Muslims are buying up all the abandoned Christian churches and making them their mosques. By doing so, Muslims hope to establish in the minds of others the superiority of Islam.

Their actions makes a mockery of the Christian faith, whose strength is symbolized by its many abandoned churches!

In non-Muslim countries where they build mosques, the minarets are taller than the church steeples.

But "minaret" doesn't rhyme with "people," so muslims can't do that finger-wiggling thing to amuse bored kids on the way to Easter mass.

In the National Cathedral in Washington, D.C., which took 83 years to build, the unthinkable has occurred in only 24 years after the cathedral’s completion. On November 14, 2014—two months after the anniversary of 9/11—on the Muslim Sabbath—the first of many planned Islamic worship services began on the eve of our nation’s day of Thanksgiving to the biblical God and the ushering in of the Christmas season. 

If you look to this paragraph to provide what most do -- thoughts, meaning, and impressions conveyed through the medium of the English language -- you're likely to be disappointed. But if you add up all those superfluous figures and dates you'll have enough numbers to play Lotto Pick Six.

America has murdered millions of its own sons and daughters in the womb—America has prevented prayers in school (except for Muslim prayers that are required by Shari Law)—America has sanctified homosexual marriage between men with men and women with women—and America has removed Crosses from our public view and nativity displays at Christmas from the public square in complete defiance of the First Amendment which clearly states: Congress shall make no law…prohibiting the free exercise of religion; or abridging the freedom of speech….

Ah, so "Dr." Sloane believes it's against the First Amendment to not have a creche on the courthouse steps.  KWillow was right.

The history of our National Cathedral began when the corner stone was laid under the supervision of President Teddy Roosevelt in 1907 and completed under President George W. Bush in 1990. 

Okay, it may have taken 83 years to build, which seems dilatory, but I think some credit should go to George W. Bush for bringing his Presidency in ten years ahead of schedule.

Now the powers that be in Washington—in compliance with the presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church—committed the final ABOMINATION to the God of the Bible by having a Muslim offer up Islamic prayers—in that Christian Sanctuary—to the Moon God Allah, resulting in an unforgivable DESECRATION of that Christian altar. This action brings further shame to America in the face of God’s harbinger that warns of America of its impending doom if Americans don’t repent!

Anyway, Bingo at 7:30 PM on Wednesday. Bring a dish to pass.

We Had Joy, We Had Fun, We Had Treason in the Sun

You may remember Douglas MacKinnon -- former flack for Bob Dole, ex-Commander of Joints, and the author of novels so abysmal they make Snoopy look like Trollope.  But Doug is vast, he contains multitudes, and like all men should be judged not solely by his deeds, but by the content of his character; so I'll just point out that he's also a traitor.

Recently, Douglas huddled in a corner booth at the Shake Shack with members of his seditious Breakfast Club and planned the dissolution of the Union over a plate of Eggs Benedict Arnold.  The result was his new book, The Secessionist States of America: The Blueprint for Creating a Traditional Values Country . . . Now.  But I know what you're wondering: who are these shadowy members of Doug's Early Bird Cabal?  Fortunately, commenter jackd performed a Herculean feat of taxonomy and broke them down by alleged area of expertise, and where they'd likely get to sit in the A-Team van:

Let's see how low we can go and still qualify for MacKinnnon's Brain Trust: 

a constitutional law expert 

Someone who attended law school. Might have graduated. Might have passed the bar. Might be practicing. Might even be teaching Con Law, given how many for-profit colleges and law schools are out there. 

two former military officers 

Note he didn't say *commissioned* officers. 

two former diplomats 

Guys who used to be in the State department. Somewhere. 

a minister 

Volunteer youth minister? Leader of a storefront church with a congregation numbering firmly in the dozen? 

another special operator 

And here I'm going to quote Sheri: "I was believing his whole back story about him and his unemployed men's group getting together to foment an uprising until I got to the mention of "another special operator." Is this a Time/Life operator, or does he mean "special operative"? Is Douglas implying that HE was a special operative?

I had to track down this mystery. So, I read his bio, that said that he had a Government Top Secret clearance - which means only that his treasonous hadn't yet been discovered, because everybody in the DC area has a TS clearance."

and experts on banking, energy, farming, and infrastructure 

A guy who worked at a bank, a guy who worked for a power company, a guy who worked on a farm, and a guy who dug ditches. Note that this could be as few as two people to merit the plural of expert. 

And that's the kind of expertise you bring together to agree that the right thing for true patriots to do is commit treason.

Well, Doug's book is out, and he's hitting the trail to promote it.  A number of sites have already printed some of the juicy bits from his appearance on evangelical talk radio host Janet Mefferd's program, so I decided to go the extra six inches and transcribe the whole thing. It was extremely illuminating, much like someone driving toward you with their highbeams on until it triggers a migraine.  Take it away, Doug...

We looked at what states would be viable in terms of doing something like this and in fact what states would provides sort of the new land mass for a new republic dedicated to traditional values, and the consensus was that the three best states in the union would be South Carolina, Georgia, and Florida. 

Suck it, Alabama. Even the neo-Confederates would rather not have to explain you.

Because of not only their population and so many folks in those states have, you know, a strong belief in traditional values, but also because of the natural resources within those states, the infrastructure within those states, and their access to both the Atlantic Ocean and the Gulf of Mexico

Yeah, about that infrastructure...A lot of it was subsidized, or entirely paid for by the Federal Government of the United States, so...you're gonna give that back, right?  And don't just leave it out on the lawn, either; when we come by in the U-Haul, you need to get off your ass and help us load I-95 in the truck. There's pizza and beer in it for you.

As for the natural resources, South Carolina's top crop is tobacco, which kills its consumers, so it's not really a huge growth industry. Number two is cotton, but there's no real textile industry in this country anymore, and most of the sweatshops are overseas, so who knows how long that'll last. On the bright side, the third top cash crop is marijuana, which Larry Kudlow advises you to buy, buy, buy!, so you'll stop trying to bum his cocaine.

Georgia's top three crops are cotton (see above), peanuts, and -- once again -- marijuana, so while they may be pining for the past, they're planting for the future!  Florida's number two crop is dope, behind oranges, while in my native state of California the Devil's Weed with Roots in Hell and Humboldt County is number one, ahead of grapes, almonds, and Kryptonian Hamster Ball Babies.

A lot of folks of course talk about Texas, and I’m a huge fan of Texas 

Although I prefer their early, funny stuff.

but one of the problems that we discussed as a group in regard to Texas is what problems would crop up if that ever came up – and we’re only talking in academic discussion here and in theory – and just so the government understands. 

At this point Doug chuckled in a way that said, "Even though I've just published a plan to carve a three-state empire out of the U.S. like some 19th Century filibuster, the Feds can't arrest me for sedition because I uttered a fake laugh, which is the audible equivalent of crossing your fingers behind your back. You know, most historians agree that Hitler wouldn't have gone to jail for his part in the Beer Hall Putsch if he'd only paused periodically to snicker and say, 'Just kidding.'"

But if in fact you tried to do something like that, then would the government of Mexico look at Texas as sort of you know, in more hostile manner than it already does now

Does Mexico look at Texas in a hostile manner?  I mean, I know I do, but then I look at most things that way (I've been throwing shade at this Otter Pop for like fifteen minutes).

because there has certainly been a number of incursions into Texas and other places from SOME of the folks in Mexico. 

I made an incursion into Texas once.  I mean, American Airlines called it a "layover," and all I did was eat cole slaw and drink a Tab, but I prefer to think of it as an act of aggression.

And so that’s one of the things the group looked at, And then it’s one of those things too, where again, the state legislatures, you know, have the ability, as they did, you know – people tend to forget the PAST, you know, at their own peril, but when the America Civil War, before it happened, you have to remember that ALL ELEVEN STATES, from the South – including ultimately Texas – seceded LEGALLY. And so they left the Union PEACEFULLY. They left the Union LEGALLY. 

You may wonder why Doug repeatedly bellowed those particular words. Well, it actually goes back to the siege of Fort Sumter, when U.S. Army Captain Abner Doubleday asked his commanding officer, Major Robert Anderson, if the South Carolina militia hadn't committed an act of war by firing on them. Major Anderson replied, "That's what I thought too, but according to the Constitution, they're shelling the shit out of us legally and peacefully." Except that Anderson had to shout the words "legally" and "peacefully" so they could be heard over the sound of his horse exploding.

Then President Lincoln – and part of the problem there was that the NORTH realized very quickly that it could not survive economically without the power of the South.

They controlled nearly the entirety of America's strategic reserve of Honey Boo-Boo.

... lot of the historians, at least on the South, and scholars from the South will certainly tell you that President Lincoln waged an ILLEGAL war that was in fact not declared against the South, after the South, you know, basically did what we’re talking about in this book now in terms of peacefully, legally, and constitutionally leaving the Union.

Douglas is right that the U.S. never declared war on the South, because it never recognized the Confederate States of America -- But then, neither did any other nation on earth.  To quote Doghouse Riley: "There’s a famous precedent that no one could be tried for treason after the Civil War because the United States never recognized the CSA."

But despite these superficial disagreements, we're not really so different, Doug and I. He merely wants the South to repeat what it did at the start of the Civil War, while I only want the North to repeat what it did at the end.

Okay, that's about all I can take of Commander Joint. More later.

Happy Birthday Jay! The Return of TBogg! And Special Guest Idiot!

Today is the birthday of Jay B., a trenchant, worldly man about blog who has been enlivening the comments section here and elsewhere around the Internet for many years now.  You may also remember Jay's stint as a blog-sitter for TBogg, in which he did some very fine pinch-hitting, but which becomes an EERIE COINCIDENCE, when we realize that this is not only the anniversary of the day Jay was born, but also the very day TBogg was re-born.  Yes, Wo'C's blogfather is back, and Raw Story has got him, which must mean that Jay and TBogg have some weird mystical connection like Harry Potter and Voldemort, and so long as one of them lives the other can't die, or stay dead, or something like that.  In any case, I guess they'll have to split the birthday cake, and we'll have to endure a ten minute argument over who gets the rose.

So in honor of this Spring-like renewal, I thought I'd scout around for a fresh new wingnut who reminded me a bit less of a sun-baked Coney Island Whitefish.  Enter, Matthew May.

Although Matthew has been writing steadily for American Thinker since 2004, I've somehow never noticed his existence.  Now, this undoubtedly puts me in the majority, but it also means that I've missed the contrarian wisdom of one of the hardest working concern trolls around.

Matt's specialty is mansplaining (or, more precisely, The Mansplaining) to Black America about the Founding Fathers, in articles like Kenneth Gladney: 21st century Crispus Attucks).  In fact, he's such a diehard Minuteman that it wouldn't surprise me to learn that he's had his skull surgically tricornered. This week, Matt takes up arms against Obamacare, but unlike the right bloggers who are invoking Braveheart, Matthew draws inspiration from those two freckled patriots in that Life cereal commercial who refuse to try the product, even though -- or especially because -- they've heard it's "supposed to be good for you."

I Will Not Comply 

Like most members of the Congress that passed it and, undoubtedly, the president of the United States who signed it, I have not read the entirety of the ill-named Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act. 

Great, now we can't discuss the bill without spoiler tags.

 Yet there is one aspect concerning that legislation of which I am certain: I will not comply.

Yes, but you didn't read the legislation, so maybe there's a codicil to a rider to an amendment that specifically declares you ineligible to participate in the program, so by refusing to comply you're actually playing right into their hands!

I will not comply because I am a free citizen of the United States, not a subject of its government.  I consider non-compliance with this monstrosity and the tens of thousands of pages of regulations that are to be enforced by an unelected bureaucracy, and that have left a gigantic carbon footprint on our environment and the United States Constitution, a duty.

Yes, turning health insurance into a Rust Belt heavy industry was probably a mistake, and I suspect that even liberals object to Congress mandating that under the Affordable Care Act, mammograms must be administered by steam-powered looms.

Non-compliance is my executive order, and that order reads in part that I do not recognize any government's claim on my action or inaction in the marketplace, nor upon any personal information I am unwilling to divulge.

Matt has declared himself President of the United Basement, a sovereign nation where Federal, State, and Municipal laws do not apply, and where he gets to decide who can use the air hockey table.

I will not submit to a cabal who read George Orwell's 1984 not as a terrifying warning, but as an instruction manual.

Hey, at least they read, Matt.

Refusing to comply with the dictates of an illegitimate law that is selectively enforced, and from which the privileged few are exempted, is not, in the annals of American history, brave or difficult.

Nah, just ask cowardly freeloaders like Schwerner, Chaney, and Goodman (pro-tip: you might want to take a shovel to the interview).

We are, however, drawing a line that the forces of repression, socialism, and tyranny must not cross.  Some might even color the line red. 

Some might color it blue or magenta. The important thing is to color inside the line.

 Yet unlike a certain other, this red line is immovable.  I yield nothing on the plane of freedom.  I will not take any small step that is, in actuality, one giant leap backward to the darkness we thought we had vanquished. 

Who is with me?

I dunno, Matt. I know you'd like me to join you, but wouldn't I really best honor the spirit of your movement by not complying with your request? I believe the annals back me up here.

Anyway, a hearty Welcome Back TBogg from the Sweatblogs, while to Jay we proudly present...

...The traditional Sexy Birthday Lizard.

James Lewis Carroll

James Lewis ("a scientist by trade, [who] carps as a hobby about the passing parade of human fraud and folly") is back, this time using Science to prove that the President is one'a them deviated preverts.

Dangerous Times: Obama's Perversity 

In economics, a "perverse effect" means getting what you don't want. If McDonald's makes an executive decision to sell lousy burgers

We call that a "business plan" or "mission statement."

and ends up bankrupt, that is a perverse decision. Markets are tough on companies that act perversely

Granted, it's tough love (the Markets will still have sex with a perverse company, but they'll donkeypunch it for coming up with the McDLT).

but the Amazonian jungle of government allows perverse incentives to flourish and spread.

But thanks to slash and burn agriculture, 1½ acres of perverse incentives are destroyed in the Amazon every second.

Chicago is basically a one-party regime.

At least, that's what Carl Sandburg called it, after "Hog Butcher for the World," "Stacker of Wheat," and "Fierce as a dog with tongue lapping for action," (which would have been the municipal motto, except it sounds really dirty in Latin).

How can you tell if you're living under one-party rule? Your media aren't going to tell you. Your government isn't either. Your schools are part of the mob monopoly.

I know that's how it was at my school.  Almost all the rowers on the Varsity sculling crew were made men.

But there are signs: the biggest one is that open scandals and crimes have no consequences. We all know Holder is a perverse attorney general, that the EPA is run by scientific know-nothings...that "green technology" contradicts the known facts of physics, and that "catastrophic climate change" is a self-serving farce.

In the past we've speculated on which scientific trade Mr. Lewis practices, and I think I've narrowed it down.  He either holds the Einstein-Rosen Bridgework Chair in Theoretical Dentistry, or perhaps he's a humble Torsion Field hand.

This presidency is practically defined by its perversity. When this administration gets caught with its pants down, it just becomes even more grandiose.

Well, you know what they say about the way those people are...gifted.  It's twue.

All the scandals the media decided to expose after the election have not changed any behavior.

Or turned out to be scandals.

Anybody with a computer can now read the weekly exposés of the much-admired British government's health system, with dirty, overcrowded hospital rooms; spreading antibiotic resistance; poor treatment for older people (who don't have enough QALYs left on their life tickets); and deliberately uncontrolled immigration to bring in cheap Labour voters. These are all in our future.

I admit, it's a pretty boring reboot of Westworld.

But Americans voted for Obama because he would relieve their white guilt forever.

It's twue, eight years of Bush-Cheney made it so uncool to be a middle aged white dude that even before the 2008 election I had taken to putting on a turban and passing myself off as Korla Pandit.

They chose not to know the consequences. When things fall apart, they will blame another scapegoat. Obama's perversity -- his endless big promises leading to terrible outcomes -- echoes the growing perversity of our culture. This is a very stubborn disease, and it may take decades to cure.

Note that this particular strain of perversity has already mutated from a hamburger to a rainforest to a disease, so please stop taking antibiotics every time you get sick, wouldja?  You're just adding to the ever growing list of methicillin-resistant metaphors.

The Jihad War is yet another example of perversity. There certainly is a danger of foreign attacks today, but this is not the first time: in 1812, the Redcoats burned the White House down.

Far be it from me to challenge of the facts of a Scientific Tradesman, but the White House burned down in 1814, so if the Redcoats lit the blaze in 1812, I can only conclude they used a really crappy accelerant.

The Soviets ran constant bomber and submarine probes against the U.S., just as we did to them. Previous U.S. responses to military threats have been proportionate.

For instance, when the U.S. was attacked by Saudis operating out of Afghanistan, we invaded Iraq.

But Obama authorized global violations of the privacy rights of billions of people all over the world. Under Obama, we have abused the greatest promises of web technology.

Really?  Because it seems to be delivering porn just fine.

In this Brave New World, we still can't answer the ancient question -- can you trust a stranger with your private information? -- in the affirmative.

Ah, so something that's never been true is still not true. That's quite a perversityburger.

Ellis Washington Tries Alternate History Fiction

If Ellis Washington (see here and here for his most recent personal appearances) were a Playboy Playmate, I'm guessing his Turn-Ons would be "Michael Savage, Natural Law, Prometheus, mis-attributing quotes, and plagiarizing from Wikipedia," while his Turn-Offs would read, "Hitler, Trotsky, Aesop, Oliver Wendell Holmes, the Enlightenment, and actually reading the whole Wikipedia entry before hitting ctrl-c."

But what Ellis really loves is getting facts wrong.  Because it just feels so right. This week he starts slow, opening his column with a juicy quote he attributes to Joseph Goebbels.  It's unsourced, however, and Goebbels is credited with a lot of statements he never actually made, the most famous probably being, "Either these drapes go, or I do!"

German Nazis?  What's the matter, Obama's too fancy to pirate the propaganda techniques pioneered by the homegrown Aryans at Stormfront?   Pah!  He probably drinks imported beer, too.

Anyway, just because something is "Exclusive" doesn't necessarily mean it's "new," or "comes as a frigging shock."  English is a constantly evolving language, and "exclusive" could now also be a term of art used by the journalists of WorldNetDaily to mean "sufficiently repetitive to induce carpal tunnel syndrome."

Okay, so Ellis has set the table with his subtitle and opening quotation -- let's dig into this smorgasbord of National Socialism.

President Obama’s sustained attacks against presidential GOP candidate Mitt Romney’s tenure at Bain Capital is a shameless frontal assault against America and her free-market capitalist system, but it has backfired disastrously against Obama. Newark, N.J., Mayor Cory Booker said that Obama’s tactics against private capital were “uncomfortable” and “nauseating.” Nevertheless, just a few hours after telling the truth about Obama’s anti-capitalist demagoguery, Obama’s people yanked his chain and Booker was forced to appear on “Meet the Press” before a surreal hostage-like background and a stressed-out look on his face to recant for daring to tell the truth against messiah Obama.

Well, couple things.  Booker's remarks were made on Meet the Press, while his subsequent clarification, if you want to call it that, was shot in his office and released on Youtube.  But to be fair, the only way Ellis could have known that was if he'd read the article he linked to, and he's really busy right now with his new job as an instructor at the National Paralegal College, an online correspondence school.

Stressed-out Cory Booker appearing before surreal hostage-like background.

Obama’s liberal fascist attacks on Bain Capital and against American capitalism remind me of an earlier more radical time in history when Hitler was running for election as chancellor of Germany in 1932. 

Wait for it...

No, I am not calling Obama a Hitler...

No one is calling Obama a Hitler, until I blow this whistle!

...but I am stating in the most emphatic manner that Obama and the Democratic Party are using Nazi propaganda campaign tactics against Romney and the GOP.

"Okay, maybe I'm calling him a Hitler -- but I'm not calling him the Hitler!"

Anyway, not to be a killjoy, but Hitler ran for President, not chancellor, since the latter was an appointed position in Weimar Germany.  But enough Harry Turtledove-style alternate history -- how about some Rorschach blot analysis?

Out of hundreds of propaganda campaign posters Hitler used to both deify himself and demonize his political foes, I have found two posters that were particularly vile and reprehensible, yet very effective in promoting Hitler’s National Socialist Party (the Nazis). The first one is titled “Arbeit und brot” (work and bread).

Carefully examine the campaign poster above (circa 1932) where the Nazis promised the German people work and bread for voting for Hitler and the Nazi Party. The bottom left side of the poster reads: durch liste 1 (meaning “through list 1″). In other words: Vote list 1, or on the first ballot vote for a straight Nazi Party ticket.

I'm glad I carefully examined the poster -- I never would have noticed that giant 1 otherwise -- and my study has yielded two insights: 1) While Obama may be filching from the Nazis, Hitler clearly infringed the intellectual property of Tammany Hall, and I recommend Boss Tweed sue him under the Digital Millennium Copyright Act; and 2) While Ellis may prefer the Republican candidate in each election, he always ticket-splits to avoid giving Goebbels the satisfaction.

This propaganda poster exploited the German people’s desperate need to end the social catastrophe of World War I and the economic hyperinflation of the previous failed government – the Weimar Republic (1919-1933).

It seems to be exploiting the German people's need to be handed barbecue tongs and trowels by neurasthenic arch-conservatives with weirdly elongated arms and veins that would be the envy of any heroin addict.

The diabolical message of this simple but powerful poster portrays the Nazis – descending from from Mount Olympus like Zeus or the Greek gods of antiquity

...or guys who work in the Garden Shop at Home Depot.

 Remember that the word propaganda comes from the Latin verb propagare, meaning “to propagate” “to reproduce” or “to spread from person to person.”

That's why it's considered good form, when out in public, to sneeze or propagandize directly into your elbow.

We must remember that Hitler did not take power by force; he was voted into office using the democratic process and his superior rhetorical skills to convince the people to vote for him.

It's not true, of course -- Hitler lost the 1932 German Presidential election -- but if we just remember it -- and we must! -- it'll become true in our hearts.

Once he tricked the German people to elect him chancellor, they became, in the words of historian Daniel Goldhagen, “Hitler’s willing accomplices.”

But since Hitler was appointed chancellor by President Paul von Hindenburg, not elected, they might in this case have taken a bum rap.  (Two rules to the internet, Ellis: Always Trust the Shorter, and Don't Start Skimming the Wiki Entry When It Gets Boring.)

Hitler next quickly suspended the constitution, burned down the German parliament building (the Reichstag), declared martial law and combined the presidency with the chancellorship to become Germany’s absolute dictator, or fuehrer. He then launched World War II and the Holocaust against the Jews.

And you've got to admit, Obama has been following this playbook to the letter.  Just check out Ellis' source proving it -- a  piece from 2009 in which Congressman Paul Broun announced that the "administration was planning to use a pandemic or a natural disaster to implement martial law in the United States."  If only we'd listened...

The second propaganda poster is titled: “BOLSHEVISM [COMMUNISM] WITHOUT THE MASK” and is based on the tried and true deceit where propaganda takes 1 percent of the truth and mixes it with 99 percent lies.

And makes a delicious gravy.

In reality Communists and Jews have nothing in common other than the fact that a few German and Russian Jewish academics, socialists and leftist intellectuals were Communists or Communist sympathizers. [...]
Of course, once Hitler secured power, a few months later he used Machiavellian tactics to torture and murder the Communist and unionist groups by the hundreds of thousands, and in his 1941 invasion of Russia, Hitler killed Communists by the millions...Hitler was free to disenfranchise, torture and murder the Jews by the millions. Who would care? They are just a bunch of dirty Communists.

Wait a second, Ellis.  I thought the Nazis were "liberal fascists," just like Obama.  You're one of the few people left on the Internets who can use that phrase with a straight face; you frequently cite Jonah Goldberg's book as a history text, and take his thesis ("they were socialists!  Because national socialism!") as a given.  Now you're saying the Nazis were right wing extremists opposed to not only to communism, but liberal causes such as trade unionism?

Now I'm the one faced with a crisis in accurate reporting.  Did you actually get something right for once, or did you accidentally get your own bullshit wrong?

This journalism thing is harder than I thought.

Time to Get Tough, Michele!

"...and I'm wearing this brass-buttoned Hussar's uniform as a tribute to our brave Ruritanian allies."

Michele Bachmann has the right idea (announcing that if she were President, she'd shut down our embassy in Iran), but she's too timid in her convictions.  If I were President, I'd close our embassy on the Moon, recall our ambassador from Babylon 5, and withdraw from the League of Nations!

Ball's in your court, Michele.

Fabian Society Radicals Pooped in My Snuff Box!

Washington Post Opinion columnist and former Bush speechwriter Michael Gerson is uniquely qualified to comment on the similarities between the Occupy Wall Street protests of 2011, and the anti-war demonstrations of the 1960s.  As most pediatric psychologists will tell you, the first five years of a child's life are the most formative, and Gerson was born in 1964, making him three years old in the Summer of Love, and five at the time of Woodstock and the Moratorium to End the War in Vietnam, getting in just under the formative wire.  As a result, when he looks back upon his most vivid and influential recollections, he finds that they are inextricably linked with a disastrous upending of social and cultural norms, a brazen challenge to political orthodoxy, and near constant bed-wetting.

But before we plunge into his Mix 'n' Match exercise, we should probably ask ourselves who this confused-looking fellow in the photo above really is?  According to Wikipedia, "He served as President George W. Bush's chief speechwriter from 2001 until June 2006, as a senior policy advisor from 2000 through June 2006" -- when all of the Bush Administration's most important policy fuck-ups were conceived and executed.

In the Feburary 7, 2005 issue of Time, "Gerson was named as one of 'The 25 Most Influential Evangelicals In America'" (he came in 9th, but there were accusations of illegal performance enhancement by his fellow snake-handlers, who claimed Gerson dosed himself before particularly important or ecstatic religious services with large intramuscular injections of rattlesnake anti-venom).  As for the highlights of his speechwriting career:

Gerson proposed the use of a "smoking gun/mushroom cloud" metaphor during a September 5, 2002 meeting of the White House Iraq Group, in an effort to sell the American public on the nuclear dangers posed by Saddam Hussein.

Gerson coined "the soft bigotry of low expectations" and "the armies of compassion." His noteworthy phrases for Bush are said to include "Axis of Evil", a phrase adapted from "axis of hatred", itself suggested by fellow speechwriter David Frum but deemed too mild.

According to Matthew Scully, who worked with him for five years, Gerson is a "self-publicizing" glory hog guilty of "foolish vanity", "sheer pettiness" and "credit hounding". In Scully's account, Gerson did not come up with the language that made him famous. "Few lines of note were written by Mike ... and none at all that come to mind from the post-9/11 addresses -- not even 'axis of evil'."

Small wonder the Washington Post snapped up Gerson to fill the Chair in Advanced Plagiarism Studies after Ben Domenech resigned his position to spend more time with other peoples' writing.

So let's enjoy his fresh take on the lèse-majesté of our latter day hippies:

As radicalism creeps in, credibility retreats from OWS

At what point does a protest movement become an excuse for camping? 

And at what point does camping become an excuse for a protest movement?  When I was in Boy Scouts, that moment came when Mr. Fischer, the fill-in Scoutmaster dropped a lantern, setting one of our World War II-era Baker tents on fire, and burning up two rain ponchos and most of our toilet paper.

 At what point is utopianism discredited by the seedy, dangerous, derelict fun fair it creates?

At what point is a pure Aryan society discredited by the race-mixing, mongrelizing action of the Play-Doh Fun Factory?

The emergence of Occupy Wall Street raised Democratic hopes for the emergence of a leftist equivalent to the Tea Party movement. The comparison is now laughable.

Exactly.  Where are the stirring orations and the Charlie Daniels Band medleys?  Where are the posters of Obama as Witchdoctor Hitler?  Where are the holstered Glocks and the slung AR-15s?  And most important, where are the patriots in their silken knee britches and tricorner hats, riding their Hoverounds through town to warn the British that they weren't gonna be takin' away our arms, by ringing those bells, and makin' sure to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed?  Huh?  I ask you.

Set aside, for a moment, the reports of sexual assault in Zuccotti Park and the penchant for public urination.

"I say, Old Bean, I don't know about you, but I've been seized by a mad fancy for an al fresco whiz."

Tea Party activists may hate politicians, but they venerate American political institutions. Veneration does not always involve understanding. But the Tea Party’s goal is democratic influence. 

Let's take a moment to applaud their efforts to gain influence over institutions they don't understand.  And to note the odd coincidence that "veneration" and "urination" rhyme.

On its tie-dyed surface, the OWS movement seems little more than a confused collection of grievances.

Why, when one of these greasy-haired, leather-clad, cycle-straddling delinquents was asked what he and his cohort were rebelling against, he responded inanely, "Whaddya got?"

But there is some ideological coherence within OWS. Its collectivist people’s councils seem to have two main inspirations: socialism (often Marxist socialism) and anarchism.  [...]  That is the opposite of participatory democracy — the use of power to intimidate a fellow citizen on a public street. It is the method of British soccer thugs.

In Oakland, protesters have been playing at the Paris Commune — constructing barricades, setting fires, throwing concrete blocks and explosives, declaring a general strike to stop the “flow of capital” at the port.

Not to mention deflecting tear gas canisters with their heads, which is more the method of British soccer players.

Here, OWS seems to be taking its cues from both “Rules for Radicals” and “A Clockwork Orange.”

While Michael seems to be taking his cues from the first scenes of Battleship Potemkin, and the last scene of Easy Rider.

Defenders of OWS dismiss this as the work of a few bad apples. But the transgressors would call themselves the vanguard.

Detractors of our corporate media would call Gerson a fawning, bum-sucking courtier to a Mammon-worshiping oligarchy.  But Michael would say, "I'm sorry, I can't talk with Charles' and David's Koch in my mouth.  But I will take bets on which one of them you think will win the sword fight."

Since the 1960s, some on the political left have sought liberal reform through the democratic process and nonviolent protest.

Prior to that, though, it was all tumbrels and guillotines.  As every schoolboy knows, President Benjamin Harrison signed the Sherman Anti-Trust in the blood of J.P. Morgan, using the tycoon's still spurting neck stump as an inkwell.

Others have sought to hasten the crisis and collapse of fundamentally illegitimate social and economic systems. Both groups can be found within OWS, but the latter is ascendant.

Still others, like Michael, have bravely defended a fundamentally illegitimate social and economic system, even going so far as to record YouTube videos assuring the bullied plutocrats that "It Gets Better."

City governments have also begun to look hapless for their accommodation of squalor, robberies, sexual attacks, drug use, vagrancy and vigilantism.

Although I hear Mega City-One is having a good deal of success with its new "Street Judge" program.

And what must Democratic leaders — who rushed to identify with a protean political force — now be thinking? OWS is not a seminar on income inequality — not the Center for American Progress on a camping trip. It is a leftist movement with a militant wing.

In other words, it's the worst nightmare of both Michael Gerson and Congressional Democrats: liberals who are actually pissed off enough to fight back.

Will Americans, looking for jobs, turn in hope to the vandalization of small businesses and the promise of a general strike? Will citizens, disappointed by a dysfunctional government, be impressed by the endless arguments of anarchist collectives? Will people, disgusted by partisanship and rhetorical rock-throwing, be attracted to actual rock throwing?

Will Brenda tell her fiance Jack that she actually married Stavros, the Greek shipping magnate while she was suffering from amnesia?  Will Joe and Betty be able to dig their way out of the collapsed mine shaft in time, or will Aunt Susan be forced to give birth in an old ore cart?  Will a lazy columnist padding out his 800 words resort to the kind of breathless, cliffhanger questions associated with the climax of a radio soap opera and the sting of a Hammond organ?

Tune in tomorrow.

This seems to be the desperate political calculation of the Democratic Party. Good luck with that. 

Thanks, Michael.  And best of luck with Herman Cain as your front runner (you were right -- that merger with the Tea Party by the Republican leadership in 2008 was a smart investment.  Will the OWS movement still be paying these kinds of dividends three years from now?  Good luck with that, indeed).