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Flex Mooseknuckle Needs Your Help!

Do you remember Douglas MacKinnon? If so, you're probably wishing some hammer-wielding Samaritan would give you that same, ultra-specific neurological damage Guy Pearce suffered from in Memento, but just as a refresher: Doug is a former press secretary to former Senator Bob Dole, "who spent three years working in a Joint Command" (presumably his access to pot also allowed him to score Bob's Viagra):

"Thanks to my Viagra pusher, I'm no longer a spaghetti pusher."

He also writes crappy novels about would-be tough guys who would be tough if only all that justice-seeking and vengeance-wreaking didn't cut into the time they set aside each day for crafting run-on wisecracks and diarrheal quips ("If I were emperor of the earth for one day, one of the first things I would do would be to disband the TSA and turn the entire operation over to the private sector. In the parade of our government being intrusive and out of control, the beyond incompetent TSA is carrying the baton and wearing the shiniest jackboots of the lot.”)

Because of the recent independence referendum in Scotland, secession is all the rage. 

True, the Scots didn't actually secede, but nothing entices people to hop on a bandwagon more than a failed cause, which explains the swelling popularity of racism, heterosexual marriage, and Confederate flag mudflaps.

Both in Europe and even here in the United States. With that subject in mind, the Reuters news agency commissioned a poll and found that one of four Americans would be open to secession. One in four.

Astonishing! I would have bet that the proportion of gibbering morons in this country was at least 50%. 

Former Congressman, Presidential candidate, and Patriot Ron Paul just added to the growing controversy when he said there should be more Secession movements in The United States. 

If you're going to revive the Colonial-era practice of randomly capitalizing nouns, then you really ought to go whole hog and use the elongated "S" too. So what I think you really meant to say was, "Former Congreffman, Prefidential candidate, and Patriot Ron Paul juft added to the growing controverfy when he faid there fhould be more Feceffion movementf in the United Ftatef."

For me, the subject of secession is one that I have researched off and on for years. That said, it is one thing to research it, and quite another to put your name on a book that most will consider controversial at best, with some even considering treasonous. 

Are you considering treasonous? Talk to your doctor, and ask if treasonous is right for you.

Especially considering that I worked in the White House and Pentagon.

Big deal! Chuck Norris worked in the Octagon, and you don't see him seceding.

As I was writing the book, my wife, family members, and a few close friends implored me to at least use a pseudonym instead of my real name. 

Of course, they beg him to use an assumed name whenever they go out in public together, sooo...

But Mr. MacKinnon's family and friends do bring up a good, if self-serving point, so let's pitch in and see if we can help. What pseudonym do you think he should adopt when writing his Jefferson Davis/Alexander Stephens slash fiction?  Needless to say, it must be something terse and manly to go along with his tough guy persona.  I'll get the ball rolling:

Fleck Spurnipple.
Crab Brickmeat.
Hook Pinewhistle.

The floor is open.

I considered the suggestion but quickly cast it aside. Exactly because of the controversial nature of this book, I very well may pay a professional or even personal price for writing it.

Less than we'd pay for reading it, but at least we don't have to go around calling ourselves Ram Spunkhammer.

 I understand that but felt strongly that my real name had to go on the book

Along with that legally required warning from the Surgeon General.

...for two reasons. The first is that precisely because of the precarious situation of our nation and the world, I felt it important to try to begin a dialogue that would resonate with those who cherish traditional values. The second reason is that because of my professional and real-life experience, I felt my name might add some credibility to the effort.

Spuds Mackenzie is right!

So, how does one begin a discussion regarding the highly controversial subject of seceding from the Union? 

Usually by spitting a stream of Red Man juice into an old coffee can you keep under the podium.

Well for me, it began about four years ago at an outdoor café at the Willard Hotel in Washington, DC. I had gone there to catch-up with a friend recently back from serving in Iraq and Afghanistan. Like me – and tens of millions of other Americans – he was conservative and a strong believer in traditional values. 

That sounds...vaguely familiar. Heyyyy, it looks like Steely Manlance went to the Willard to meet his own fictional creation, Ian Wallace! ("What sets the main character Ian Wallace apart is that he is fanatically conservative and proudly wears his strong belief in Traditional Values on his sleeve.")

Also like me and those tens of millions of Americans, he felt our nation was turning its back on the values he held dear.

Specifically, the value of pi, which has been mucked up by liberals who've added too many decimal places in an effort to be inclusive.

Rock Maninoff.
Flinch Pigiron.
Bic Banana.

Sorry, you were saying?

Our discussion then – and now – centered on the question of what any citizen can do when a growing number of our leaders seem determined to erase our borders, do away with the rule-of-law, expand the nanny state into a theology, bankrupt or punish American companies in the name of fighting climate change, do away with the 2nd Amendment, censor or demonize the history of western civilization and replace it with multiculturalism, give every kid a trophy and turn them into wimps, continue to support the completely unfunded public-employee pensions which are destroying the financial solvency of cities, counties, and states across our nation, add billions every day to our $17 trillion in debt, destroy our health-care system to substitute socialized medicine, vilify fossil fuels, and attack all faith in God with a particular and unhinged bias against the Christian faith.

It's a good thing Wrench McMuffin was talking to one of his own fictional characters, because any real person would have faked an attack of diverticulitis halfway through and wriggled out the Men's Room window.

The more my friend and I talked about the problem, the more we wanted and needed to talk about possible solutions.

Like considering treasonous?

 As we did, over the following months, we expanded our group to include a constitutional law expert, two former military officers, two former diplomats, a minister, another special operator, and experts on banking, energy, farming, and infrastructure.

You guys realize the Fire Marshal isn't going to let you all ride in the A-Team van, and that some of you are probably going to have to carpool to the secession.

We quickly decided that in least in theory, the solution which made the most sense was to draft a blueprint to leave the Union. Hence, The Secessionist States of America. A book which outlines the why, where, how, and when such a new republic based on traditional values could be established.

Sadly, the name "Republic of Gilead" was already taken.

We are fully aware that the three states offered up as the land mass for this Traditional Values espousing nation along with its new name, will be very controversial to some. For that reason and others, the book will either be ignored, censored, or vilified by most on the left and most in the mainstream media.

Yes, if there's one thing our media hates and shuns, it's controversy.

Knowing that, I simply want those who believe the downward spiral of our country is irreversible, to know that an option to preserve their values does exist. That some folks with a great deal of real-world experience felt it was their responsibility to at least explore the possibility of secession.

Despite how useful their real-world experience has been in concocting a fake-world, it doesn't extend to branding, so Dab Crunchbucket and his co-conspirators are still looking for a good slogan to sell their concept. Right now it's between "Treason is the Reason!" and "Secession: Even Without Slaves It Could Work!"

 It was a controversial solution about 240 years ago and it is no less so now.

I hear it occasioned a spot of spirited debate about 153 years ago, too.

Until that also is taken from us, it is still our right as Americans to discuss what many people truly believe to be our last hope.

Heed the words of Grout Turtlewax!

Dill Peltback
Stub Plasticsac
Stone Phillips

We're still working on it...

Sasquatch Isreal! Jim Crow Is Not

Not quite sure how I got on this mailing list, but I've just received an urgent communique on behalf of Memphis talk radio host James Edwards and his new book...

Are you sick and tired of being called a racist for simply opposing Obama's policies?

Well you should be, because it completely ignores your achievements in other vital areas of racism, such as minority voter suppression and Jewish graveyard defacement.

Discover why every conservative in America must read the explosive book, Racism Schmacism: How Liberals Use the "R" Word to Push the Obama Agenda, by veteran talk radio host James Edwards.

You've heard of explosive diarrhea?  As powerful as that is, it's nowhere near as explosive as this book (although the pages may be used as makeshift toilet tissue once you've finished reading them.  Or before; the effect is pretty much the same).

May 2, 2013 (MMD Newswire) - - If you're like James Edwards

Then you have our condolences.

you've had it up to here watching the conservative movement spin its wheels, making lots of noise but never going anywhere. 

On the contrary, I'm barely halfway through my first bag of Orville Redenbacher's Gourmet Farmhouse Cheddar.

You're fed up with attending Tea Parties

To be honest, that happened about halfway through First Grade, when I finally got tired of sipping air out of Chrissie Cochran's pink plastic china set and started hanging out with Laurie Stewart, mostly because we both wore Toughskins and wanted to build a fort out of appliance boxes, an inflatable pool with a ripped bottom, and a half-finished dog house her dad stopped building after her cockapoo got hit by the ice cream truck and went to live on a farm.

...and other protest rallies, hoping to make a powerful statement about big government, only to spend most of your time listening to a bunch of wimps insisting they aren't racists.

Well, that's usually just the warm-up act ("I'm not a racist, but..." is the new "You might be a redneck if...").

You see, it's no accident--it's happening in city after city, all over America, for one simple reason--because liberals and race hustlers know that tossing out the "R word" is all they have to do to shut down conservative dissent. In fact, it's the whole point of all this "racism" business.To keep us so busy trying to prove we're not racists that we don't get a chance to make our point.

"Our point being that the Mud People are too damn touchy!"

It works every time because conservatives just don't get it. We haven't grasped what's really behind all these constant charges of racism that the media, liberals and race hustlers are constantly hurling at us.

Yes, that does sound exasperating.  On the other hand, if you're going to complain about being called a racist while using the expression "race hustlers" in two straight paragraphs, you ought not to be surprised that it doesn't take Alan Turing to decipher your code words.

 If we really "got it," we wouldn't spend another precious minute of our time worrying about being called "racists," let alone bothering to respond to it. We could get on with addressing the real issues that are vital to the future of our country. 

Miscegenation?

But not 1 in 100 conservatives have figured out what's going on.

Well, no one's ever accused them of being top-heavy with brains.

You see, James Edwards gets it.

They don't explain what "it" is, but I assume from the context it's syphilis.

 In his powerful book, he lays the truth right out there because he caught on a long time ago to the game the radical leftists are playing with the R word. Liberals know that the average, decent American believes the word "racist" means someone who hates people of another race, and wants to harm them.

When in reality, Webster's Dictionary defines it simply as "a NASCAR aficionado."

So, naturally, when the media and liberals call conservative activists "racists," they're horrified, and will do anything to try to prove they're not racists.

Like voting for Herman Caine in a straw poll.  Take that, Black Panthers!

Which is exactly why leftists toss the word around like confetti.They know it's a surefire way of stopping conservatives in their tracks.

It sure worked like a charm for Chaney, Schwerner, and Goodman.

But here's a dirty little secret that James exposes in Racism, Schmacism. When liberals and race hustlers use the word "racist," it doesn't have the meaning it used to have--someone filled with hate and animosity for other races.

Now it means someone filled with a rich creamy nougat who just happens to firebomb Black churches.

 No, when the race hustlers and leftists use the word "racist," they simply mean "conservative white person." Period. Until you get this, you will never understand politics in modern day America.

Ah, that explains the "D" I got in Civics.  But in defense of my fellow race hustlers and leftists, I would point out that "racist" is just quicker and easier to say than "conservative white person."  Maybe we can abbreviate the latter term to make it punchier and more efficient, prune it down to its essential syllables.  How about "conwipes"?

In this brilliant (and often hilarious) new book, James Edwards proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that in today's politically correct climate..."racism" is simply anything a white person does that minorities and leftists don't approve of.

I'd like to make some snarky remark here, but have to confess that Mr. Edwards makes a valid point, since to me "racism" has always meant "televised golf" and Night Ranger's Man in Motion album.

Once you've finished it you'll never look at politics the same way again and you'll certainly never be a sucker for underhanded liberal smear tactics!

You'll be cured completely!  (Side effects may include dry mouth, night terrors, oily discharge, susceptibility to book blurbs, water retention, and loss of appetite, libido, sense of smell, and $12.37.)

James Edwards is available for interviews.

But don't pull any of that cute bait 'n' switch crap like when Playboy sent Alex Haley to interview George Lincoln Rockwell without first disclosing that the former was a ni--(CLANG!)

The Falcon and the Snowman, the Phenix and the Anix

By Keith, World O' Crap's ForeSeen is ForeArmed Correspondent

Amazon most satisfying website to shop-survey

Well, I suppose that depends which hand you control the mouse with, and what you're doing with your other hand while you surf.

Amazon bottoms disagree, however, because despite what the Amazon tops seem to think, the bottoms' index is actually exit only.  Plus, ForeSee condoms are a poor substitute for Forex, especially when you've got a latex allergy.

Dec 27 (Reuters) - Amazon.com Inc remained the best website for shopping online while JC Penney Co Inc suffered the largest drop in customer satisfaction of any major online retailer this holiday season, according to a survey released on Thursday.

Flash sale sites Gilt.com and RueLaLa.com were among the worst performers in online shopping satisfaction this season, according to ForeSee's Holiday E-Retail Satisfaction Index.

So while in 2011, we saw a surge in consumers hiring drag queens to flash them, this year people seem to prefer buying the Kindle version of 50 Shades of Gray's Anatomy, or whatever the hell that thing is called.

"The importance of satisfying them and giving a great consumer experience is going to pay back huge dividends in terms of profitability for these retailers," said Larry Freed, president and chief executive officer of ForeSee, which measures customer satisfaction for companies, including retailers.

 ForeSee employs a base-10 logarithmic scale, much like the Richter scale, to measure satisfaction ranging from Fake Moaning Just To Get It Over With In Time For Conan, to Pillow-Biting, to Back Scratching That Leaves Fingernail Polish In The Wound And Requires The Immediate Application Of Neosporin.

I assume that everyone has experienced a happy holiday. I'm also assuming that everyone is also experiencing the post-holiday doldrums, particularly here in the Northeast where the sun shone briefly for ten entire minutes this afternoon and for the first time in at least a dozen days.

Not depressed, really, just looking for some "self-help" advice to get me through the New Year. And off to America's most satisfying shopping website for a truly satisfying web shopping experience.

Just in case that subtitle is a little unclear, it reads: If you constrict anus 100 times everyday. Malarkey? or Effective way?

Here's the book description, via, presumably, the author himself:  "I think constricting anus 100 times and denting navel 100 times in succession everyday is effective to good-bye depression and take back youth. You can do so at a boring meeting or in a subway. I have known 70-year-old man who has practiced it for 20 years. As a result, he has good complexion and has grown 20 years younger. His eyes sparkle. He is full of vigor, happiness and joy. He has neither complained nor born a grudge under any circumstance. Furthermore, he can make #### three times in succession without drawing out.In addition, he also can have burned a strong beautiful fire within his abdomen. It can burn out the dirty stickiness of his body, release his immaterial fiber or third attention which has been confined to his stickiness. Then, he can shoot out his immaterial fiber or third attention to an object, concentrate on it and attain happy lucky feeling through the success of concentration.If you don't know concentration which gives you peculiar pleasure, your life looks like a hell."

How to Good-bye Depression has certainly changed my mood, although not sure if exactly for the better. For instance, I've been performing the simple exercises the author has suggested but now have an upset tummy and, this evening, had to sit on a pillow in order to watch the PBS Newshour.

Before I begin with today's set of contractions, let us conduct research to identify our author.

Amazon is of no help here. They offer only a brief biographical snippet:

Hiroyuki Nishigaki, a graduate of Osaka City University in 1963, resides in Japan. He was employed by the Kyodo News Agency until 1976. He is the author of four books in Japanese, including How to Attain Silent Knowledge, and the author of one book in English Rejuvenation and Unveiled Hidden Phenix. 

I suppose, Mr. Nishigaki, you have acquired a non-farting attitude and thus have achieved Silent Knowledge. But your method for depression has turned this correspondent into a virtual methane factory that can't be stopped, not even by the EPA.

Now we're really interested. What exactly is the "Unveiled Hidden Phenix?" What exactly is a "Phenix" in the realm of the possible or imagined? Help please, Wikipedia. (And no, I don't have any damn money for you right now so stop asking.)

Thanks to the tireless efforts of Barnes & Noble, you can purchase the Unveiled Hidden Phenix here for $13 (paperback).   But we shouldn't buy a pig in a poke.  Less should we poke a pig, because he might be in the midst of his 100 daily anal constrictions, and assuming he's faithfully kept up this regimen, there's not enough lube in the world.  Anyway, here's the author's description:

Carlos Castaneda accomplished the feat to introduce the ancient Inca-Shamanism (how to beckon the spirit, how to bring up supernatural power or our immaterial fibers or third attention—called a phenix in Egypt—within our bodies, how to become healthy-happy-efficient, and how to fuse with the universe without losing consciousness and live there for 2 billion years) through his 12 best selling books. He sent another new bible to the world.

As I discuss in Rejuvenation and Unveiled Hidden Phenix, I think the following points are essential for us to attain the goal of Inca-Shamanism. They are: stopping your breath automatically, sleeping without losing consciousness, circulating your energy in your physical body, cleaning up your central energy pipe, making the beautiful, strong, energetic core of abdomen flexible and firm, good spine, the secret of physiognomy, good complexion, rejuvenation, fasting, influence of other people and of devils, cutting the pipe of floating devil above your head, good relationship with opposite sex, dependable self-importance, good repentance, imagining powerful men such as Christ and absorbing the power of various voices and of various flights. So, I have added them.

All well and good, but Mr. Nishigaki's bio, while substantially similar to his Amazon C.V., adds an element which I find highly significant:  "A female inorganic ally gave the author the ability of space travel at age of 10 and 56. His first space travel was at the age of 56."

I'm not entirely sure what a space-traveling female inorganic ally is, but I assume that for a brief time Mr. Nishigaki dated a blow-up doll from Starfleet.  Here's the part that really struck me, though:  He was given the ability of space travel at age 10 and did nothing with it!  And we complain that kids today are lazy.  Of course, it was handed to him by an icky old girl, so possibly he was afraid of contracting Space Cooties, but still...  It had to be embarrassing when she showed up again 46 years later, coughed discreetly and said, "Oh, hey, I just happened to find this ability of space travel.  It fell behind that stack of magazines..." (like most red-blooded males, the young Hiroyuki probably spent his adolescence collecting issues of Sphincter! The Nation's Leading Journal of Anal Bodybuilding and stashed them in the attic).

Regardless -- now we are getting somewhere. The Phenix and the Anix are connected through Carlos Castaneda. The missing ingredient was psilocybin. Of course I'm sitting on a pillow. How could I have mistaken the author's intent?

All enjoy yourself a new years happy time. Thanks you for your reading, and likewise your comments most gracious in the production of crap.

--Keith

Douglas MacKinnon: The Bulwer-Lytton of the Joint Command

 Townhall tough guy Douglas MacKinnon "is former White House and Pentagon official who spent three years working in a Joint Command."  This was back during the Reagan Administration, so I assume by "Joint Command," Mr. MacKinnon means he was in charge of ordering 55-gallon drums of paraquat refills for the Air National Guard.

But he's also a writer of tough guy, Ludlumian fiction, with titles like The Apocalypse Directive, and America's Last Days: A Novel, and with his latest book, he's facing the same dilemma confronted by every tough guy American writer from James Fenimore Cooper to Ernest Hemingway to Norman Mailer: dismissive online reviews that seek to weaken his main character's bladder control.

The Top Ten Quotes From a Fictional Hero That Liberals Already Hate

The Threshold Editions division of Simon & Schuster (the publisher of Dick Cheney, Mark Levin, Glenn Beck, and Laura Ingraham -- defenders of Traditional Values, all) has just published my new novel titled Vengeance Is Mine.

Because The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants was already taken.

No surprise that some liberals are already attacking the book and the beliefs of the main character.

You say "attacking," we say "mocking."  Let's split the difference and just say that some liberals are "macking" on your main character, which makes your book sound sexier, and more like an Iceberg Slim novel.

The thumbnail description of the book being that twenty years after ex-CIA operative Ian Wallace watched a brutal KGB Colonel ruthlessly murder the love of his life (and their unborn child),

I hate when that happens.

he is presented with the chance for revenge. The former KGB Colonel is now part of the Russian Mafia and on his way to Wallace’s hometown of Boston.

The key to a successful blood vendetta is that it must be conveniently located, like a Denny's, or a car wash.  I mean, I'm all for exacting revenge on the ruthless killer of my wife and unborn child, but not if it involves getting on the freeway.

So I wonder if Mr. MacKinnon named his secret agent character "Ian," after Ian Fleming, the creator of James Bond, because that would be incredibly clever and super sly, and "Wallace" after William Wallace, the Scottish freedom fighter, because Douglas likes to occasionally mix that mass ass-baring scene from Braveheart into his regular porn rotation of Tijuana Toilet Tramps and Roughin' It.

What sets the main character Ian Wallace apart is that he is fanatically conservative and proudly wears his strong belief in Traditional Values on his sleeve.

Oh, I see.  He was named after Ian Smith and George Wallace.

As such -- and as to be expected -- some in the liberal mainstream media have already started to beat-up me, the book, and Ian.

Beating up on you, I can see -- I've done it myself at the old site.  Beating up on your book?  Eh.  As Joanna often says, "honestly, who's got the energy?"  But I do have a beef with Ian, because Dude, you're a fictional character!  You can could fire a laser beam from your tie tack, or pull an RPG out of your pants, but you can't take a little chin music from some random Amazon users?  No wonder you sat there with your thumb up your ass while a KGB colonel ruthlessly slaughtered your family.

With that as background, what follows are some Ian Wallace quotes from Vengeance Is Mine that seem to be offending some thin-skinned liberals:

• "As a proud member of the NRA and a very strong supporter of the 2nd Amendment, I nodded my head in admiration of Tommy's Remington shotgun and his belief in self-protection. With the current liberal occupant of the Oval Office and his allies in Congress and the media working day and night to take away our guns and ammunition, I sincerely hoped Tommy had more where that came from."

Well...Okay.  I'm a liberal, my skin is probably as thin as the next guy's, and I admit, I do find that passage offensive.  But my objection isn't exactly political...

• "If I were emperor of the earth for one day, one of the first things I would do would be to disband the TSA and turn the entire operation over to the private sector. In the parade of our government being intrusive and out of control, the beyond incompetent TSA is carrying the baton and wearing the shiniest jackboots of the lot.”

This appears to be a Joycean allusion to an earlier work -- specifically, the original verse of Irving Berlin's Easter Parade, which was only heard during the out of town try-outs.  When the 1933 musical revue As Thousands Cheer opened on Broadway, matinee idol Clifton Webb warbled the now familiar words, but in Baltimore and New Haven, audiences heard him sing to co-star Marilyn Miller, "You'll be the grandest incompetent/In the parade of our government being intrusive and out of control."

• "Every time I enter Massachusetts, I feel like I am entering the former Soviet Union. Creeping Socialism Bay-State style...as a conservative who believes in limited government and lower taxes, it's a bitter pill to swallow, but home is home."

If this doesn't really sound like a quote from a breathless, seat-of-your pants thriller, that's only because MacKinnon originally wrote it as a 30-second campaign ad for Scott Brown.

• "...You had to wonder sometimes if the Members of Congress worked for the American people or for those who would like to dismantle the CIA one spy at a time."

I'm sorry, but the answer is C) the Koch Brothers.  However, we do have some lovely parting gifts, including the Vengeance Is Mine Home Game...

• "I always get a queasy feeling whenever I enter Cambridge (MA). It is an exceptionally liberal city. Lots of fanatics...75% of the inhabitants consider themselves to be very liberal...I don't think Beijing comes close to that number. The only places on earth that might be more liberal than Cambridge are our own State Department and the United Nations."

Ian sounds a little bitter.  Which is fine, nothing wrong with a dark, brooding protagonist -- just look at Casablanca, or most every Harlequin Romance -- but I prefer the kind of cynicism that leads your hero to pre-empt a speech by rising from the table with an abrupt, "Gentlemen, your business is politics.  Mine is selling drinks," rather than pitching in with made-up statistics about arugula consumption.

• "As one who had worked with Mossad and the Israel Defense Forces in the past...I always became particularly incensed whenever I saw one of these spoiled, rich, never-had-to-serve-their nation liberal brats walk past me wearing a Keffiyah scarf in "solidarity" with the Palestinian people...the same "populist" idiots who wear the Che Guevara T-shirts and have no idea of the atrocities that man committed against homosexuals, blacks, and children."

You can always tell when an author is writing from personal experience, and this passage reeks of the kind of passion that only comes from the heart.  I imagine Mr. MacKinnon's own service was hard, but ennobling, although strangely I can't find any mention of it.  He used to boast of having been Bob Dole's press secretary, but lately that information seems to have slipped his bio, so maybe he also forgot about humping an M-16 through the sweltering rice paddies of Indochina.

Wait, here's his official author biography from Simon & Schuster (Canada):  "Douglas MacKinnon has written for both the White House and the Pentagon."

Ah, so when he says he worked in a "Joint Command," he really means he worked on the Commanders' Joints by providing the brass with a full manual press release.

• "Well, at least not the ones being blamed by the liberal leadership in Congress for every disaster including the fictional and budget busting global warming --- aka climate change."

"Say, Ian, brutal former KGB Colonel Vladimir Ivanchenko is in Boston.  Shouldn't we go make him pay for murdering the love of your life and your unborn child...?"

"I can't leave the house right now.  It snowed yesterday in DC and Hannity is making fun of Al Gore."

• "The kind of people who insisted in saying "Happy Holidays" at Christmas and were offended or thought you a bigot for saying the perfectly proper "Merry Christmas" in a nation that was more than 80% Christian."

"Ian, I don't want to tell an ex-CIA operative his business, but Ivanchenko's only going to be in town for a week.  Shouldn't you revenge yourself upon him now for killing your family, and argue with the Target check-out clerk later?"

• "I used to read the paper normally front to back, but all…the liberal bias pushed by most mainstream papers was starting to have a cumulative effect on my already fragile mind."

Ian Wallace: on the surface, a deadly killing machine bent on vengeance, while underneath, he's everybody's elderly, email-forwarding aunt.

Mainstream media and liberal attacks aside, I am confident Ian Wallace can take care of himself.

So am I, assuming that Ian fights his battles primarily in Usenet threads.  Anyway, the "liberal mainstream" attacking Mr. MacKinnon's book appears to have emerged from the same place as Ian Wallace himself -- Doug's asshole fertile imagination.  I can't find any evidence of a genuine (though coincidentally sales enhancing) controversy, and there are only eight reviews on his Amazon page, 5 of them favorable.  This is the top one:

Aside from being a fan of author MacKinnon's previous novels, one of the things which made me want to read Vengeance Is Mine, was the endorsement on the cover by conservative commentator Tony Blankley which said: "A Thriller for the Tea Party Generation." How right he was.

You know, I didn't much care for Tony Blankley, but I feel kind of bad that that's his epitaph.

Harry Potter and the Crappy Analogy

William A. Levinson is new to me, but he's apparently been writing at American Thinker since at least April, bringing his expertise as a Professional Engineer to the culture and political problems of modern America.  And like Father Amorth, he believes there are hidden messages to be found in the Harry Potter canon, although not necessarily from Satan, or your yoga instructor.

Anyway, let's whet our appetites with a quick squint at his bio:

William A. Levinson, P.E. is the author of several books on business management including content on organizational psychology, as well as manufacturing productivity and quality.

Okay, now I can't wait to read his insights on YA literature.

Harry Potter and the Islamization of America

The success of J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter series is due largely to the fact that the story contains elements for sophisticated adults as well as teenagers. 

I suppose children can enjoy the stories on some level too, but most of the people I've seen reading Harry Potter books were sherry-sipping adults wearing boiled shirts and spats.

The latter can enjoy the magical creatures and battles between wizards, while older readers and viewers can relate to the very real historical events that apparently influenced Rowling's writing. The series' theme is anything but fictional because it happened once and it is happening again.

Crap, you mean we're going to have to live through the Goblin Rebellions of 1612 again?  I'd better have Jeeves pour us another round of Oloroso.

Britain's experiences prior to and during the Second World War seem to have influenced Rowling's writing significantly. Her characters believe that the First Wizarding War had ended the menace of Lord Voldemort forever, while the First World War was purportedly the war to end all wars. The First World War also maimed an entire generation of European manhood

Wow.  Jake Barnes had a lot of company.

The racial policies of Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters make them obvious stand-ins for Hitler and Nazis despite the implications of Godwin's Law.

Right.  Say, Engineer Levinson, you do realize that Harry Potter is a 4,000 page book series, and not a Usenet thread, right?  Meaning, Godwin's Law doesn't really apply in this case, because I don't think it's actually possible for Jo Rowling to lose an argument she's having with herself.

 (Rowling is in fact on record as saying that she modeled Voldemort with Hitler in mind.)

Ah, so she's confessed to breaking Godwin's Law.  I'm sure an Auror, or at least a Moderator, will be along shortly to take her into custody.

The former regard only pure-blooded wizards -- the magical world's counterparts of Aryans -- as equals. A "mudblood," or a wizard with a non-magical parent, is to them an Untermensch (subhuman) whom they are free to abuse or even kill. The movies include Gestapo-like enforcers who bring people in for questioning about their genetic purity, and elimination if they do not meet the standards. The same agenda applies to Muggles or non-magical people.

That certainly paints an awful picture.  And wouldn't it be ironic if, only a few paragraphs later, you used Rowling's allegory on the horrors of racial profiling to argue that Muslims are inherently violent, dangerous, and a threat to society?  But c'mon...what are the odds of that happening?

Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge is meanwhile the obvious counterpart of Neville Chamberlain ... Albus Dumbledore, who recognizes Voldemort as a threat from the outset and is ridiculed as a result, is the counterpart of Winston Churchill.

Despite this obvious comparison, President Obama removed the bust of Albus Dumbledore from the Oval Office.

The comparison of Voldemort to Hitler can be taken only so far because the First World War was not started by Nazis or even by Imperial Germany.

There's nothing like watching a Professional Engineer construct an argument.  Well, it's maybe a little like walking in on my 5-year old sister as she was trying to assemble my Mousetrap! game, but otherwise -- sui generis, baby. 

What is far more important is the parallel between the denial in Rowling's stories, the denial that preceded the Second World War, and today's denial of the menace of Islamization. This makes Harry Potter a good teaching tool for teenagers and young adults. It's a fictional story, but it is also the story of something very real that took place more than 70 years ago as well as things that are happening in the world today.

So Harry Potter is a fictional version of "Islamization," which is what you'd get if The Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion was non-fiction?

Dolores Umbridge is among the more memorable villains of the series. She threatens to punish any student who talks about Voldemort, and she punishes Harry Potter for insisting that he has returned. Umbridge's real-world counterparts abound in European countries, universities, and even the U.S. Government. They punish or ridicule as an "Islamophobe" anybody who depicts militant Islam as a menace to Civilization.

So Voldemort is Hitler, who was evil because he falsely painted the Jewish people as the enemies of Christian society, and oh, by the way, have you heard the Muslims are out to destroy Civilization?  And all of it, too, not just the game by Sid Meier.

Danish Member of Parliament Jesper Langaballe [sic] for example pled guilty to hate speech for saying accurately that rape and honor killings are frequent among Muslim families. "Under Danish jurisprudence it is immaterial whether a statement is true or untrue. All that is needed for a conviction is that somebody feels offended."

Actually, according to Langballe's own apologia, what he said was, "Of course Lars Hedegaard should not have said that there are Muslim fathers who rape their daughters when the truth appears to be that they make due with killing their daughters (the so-called honour killings) and leave it to their uncles to rape them."

Whether these remarks are criminal under Danish law is something best left to a Danish court (although I will note that while Harry endured daily torture and mutilation rather than retract his statements about Voldemort, Mr. Langballe pre-empted his trial by confessing), I think it's safe to say that Rowling's "Churchill," Albus Dumbledore, would consider them criminally rude.

The once-respectable Anti-Defamation League (ADL) has meanwhile joined the ranks of politically correct thought police and mind guards. The Daily Prophet denounced Harry Potter as "the boy who lies" for testifying accurately that Voldemort murdered one of Harry's classmates while ADL has similarly denounced Robert Spencer and Pamela Geller of Stop Islamization of America (SIOA) as Islamophobes. "The organization, led by Robert Spencer and Pamela Geller, warns of the encroachment of Shari'a, or Islamic law, and encourages Muslims to leave what it describes as the 'falsity of Islam.'"

I'm having a bit of trouble following along here, Engineer Levinson, maybe you can walk me through it.  Hitler made false claims about the Jews (such as "He has never founded any civilization, though he has destroyed civilizations by the hundred") and tried to exterminate them in the interests of Aryan supremacy.  Voldemort and his henchmen also trafficked in lies, and murdered and imprisoned vast numbers of people in the service of some demented notion of racial purity.  They're the Bad Guys, right?

Spencer and Geller (and Langballe, who said, "Islam and Christianity cannot be reconciled. And they haven't been able to during the 1500 years that Islam has been in existence. I see the religion Islam as a threat to any society where it settles"), claim that Islam is a false religion which seeks to destroy our civilization.  And they're...the Good Guys?  Or am I confusing them with that defunct chain of West Coast consumer electronics stores?

A phobia is an irrational fear of an imaginary danger. This video from Hamas says "we will annihilate the Jews," speaks of becoming "masters of the world," and later talks about "laying the cornerstone for the ruling of the world by an Islamic leadership." 

Right, but if just claiming you're going to become "Master of the World" means that it's true, shouldn't we already be ruled by Fu Manchu, Ernst Stavro Blofeld, Dr. Clayton Forrester, or Vincent Price?

"Eat my dust, Hamas!"

The last ideology that talked about annihilating Jews and ruling the world meant every word it said, and it killed about forty million people (including about seven million of its own in the end) before the civilized world stopped it. 

And the best proof of this serious, real world, existential threat to the free world is this series of children's books about a Boy and His Wand.

 Voldemort at least had the good sense to conceal his existence as long as possible, and Hitler also pretended to seek peace to put the rest of the world off its guard.

Yep.  If there's one thing you can say for Hitler -- he was subtle.

Militant Islam on the other hand makes no secret of its agenda, and it even calls the non-Islamic world the Dar el-Harb: the House of War. When somebody calls you a harbi (enemy), it is generally a good idea to take him at his word and treat him accordingly.

Point a stick at him and bellow "Expelliarmus!"

The Harry Potter series also addresses a widespread unwillingness to call the enemy by name. Even Voldemort's enemies usually call him "He Who Must Not Be Named," 

Because "Ultraman," "Miss Congeniality," and "Master-Blaster" were already taken.

The Ideology That Must Not Be Named has declared openly its intention to destroy our civilization, freedom, and way of life. It also has a name, and that name is militant Islam.

 Just don't say its name five times into a mirror, or you'll wind up covered in bees.

Poetry in Motion Sickness

The rainbow has inspired many a poet.  Coleridge called it "That gracious thing, made up of tears and light."  Thoreau said, "The true harvest of my life is intangible - a little star dust caught, a portion of the rainbow I have clutched," while HungryBear9562 rhapsodized, "Whoa, that’s a full rainbow, all the way. Double rainbow, oh my god! It’s a double rainbow all the way."

But while it's all well and good to savor the honeyed words of those yearning scribes whose souls have been touched by Calliope, the question remains: what do the kind of fellows who give free investing advice on Saturday morning Christian radio programs think of these Skittle-hued wonders?  Thankfully, one such man has stepped forward to share his epodic insights.

According to Jeff Carter's Townhall bio, "Jeffrey Carter is an independent speculator. He has been trading since 1988. His blog site, Points and Figures was named by Minyanville as one of The 20 Most Influential Blogs in Financial Media."  We can also deduce that Mr. Carter's byline, which simply calls him Jeff Carter, thinks his bio, which insists on referring to him as Jeffrey, has a big stick up its ass, and we can imagine that in certain situations -- such as when Jeff(rey) is in an airport men's room, and a loud argument breaks out between the two -- it could make things uncomfortable for travelers occupying the adjacent stalls.

Anyway, on with the lyricism, as only an independent speculator can provide:

The Color of Rain

When it rains, what color do you see? Do you see dank, dark grimy raindrops. Or, is your spirit electrified when you look out your window and a lightning bolt pierces the sky? Perhaps you run away from those lightning bolts. 

Perhaps you sprint toward the lightning bolts while wearing a hubcap on your head, waving a fireplace poker in one hand and barbecue tongs in the other, and screaming random insults at the storm in Cockney rhyming slang.

Do you enjoy looking out your window with curiosity at the gathering storm? Dark clouds rolling at you like a wagon train.

Whenever I see a cloud shaped like Ward Bond, I know it's time to clean the gutters.

 Anticipation builds. From experience you know full well that the earth, and your dwelling are going to get pounded by little drops of water that sound like millions of bullets falling on your roof.

Unless you're in Arizona and it's New Years Eve, in which case those are millions of bullets falling on your roof.

The occasional burst of thunder might shock you. Or, it might be a distant call to something else.

The thunder might be cold-calling you about discount auto insurance.

At the end, if you are lucky, your rainstorm will turn into yellows, blues, reds, and greens.

Assuming the rain inspired the right kind of mushrooms to sprout.

A rainbow. If you grew up around enough Irishmen, you know that there is a pot of gold somewhere at the bottom of it.

And a whiskey bottle.  If you grew up around enough Catholics, as I did, you know that there's an Irishman somewhere at the bottom of it.

Yesterday, I devoured a book. It is titled, The Color of Rain. It’s the tragic and in the end, uplifting, story of Mike and Gina Spehn. Like a tragic thriller, it’s really three separate intertwined stories in one. You should pick it up and read it. I guarantee that it will make you think. It might even change your life and help you find your own personal rainbow.

I realize this trend toward the privatization is all the rage, but I don't think even the Libertarians have quite figured out how to prevent moochers and free-riders from accessing our personal rainbows.

I am fortunate to be able to appear on their radio show every Saturday morning. Mike and Gina allow me seven minutes to talk about finance and topics of the day.

This week's topic:  Is it best to sell the pot of gold you steal from leprechauns through an online auction house such as eBay, or store it in a safety deposit box as a hedge against a collapse in currency value?

After high school, Mike and I didn’t see each other as much. It’s not rare to see your high school friends disburse. It’s actually pretty odd to see them hang together.

Less odd to see them hang separately, especially in Texas.

Over the next twenty years, I would see Mike every now and then. We would check in with each other.

Mostly they'd use Foursquare, and for several weeks in August Jeff was the Mayor of Mike.

 One night in 2003, I got a phone call. The voice said, “Mike Spehn’s wife died.”
“Ugh.” I said, “Car accident.”
“No.” Pause. “Cancer.”
“Really? Wow.” 

This is why I don't use the Express Check In with my friends.  Sure, it's convenient, but you miss the little details, such as, oh, one of you has cancer.  Still, I give Jeff credit for his allusion to John Donne's Devotions Upon Emergent Occasions, "Now this bell tolling softly for another, says to me, Thou must die.  Ugh."

When I attended the wake, I didn’t realize that there were a number of compelling mini dramas playing out all at the same time. Tragic, funny, death, birth.

Perhaps Jeff would have been better prepared for Mankind's complex, often contradictory relationship to life and death if he'd watched the "Chuckles Bites the Dust" episode of The Mary Tyler Moore Show.

You know what?  Forget that.  Bringing up a sitcom at a time like this just coarsens and diminishes the whole experience.  I apologize.

 All the stuff that makes us human and is a part of life is in this book. Mike and his father. Gina, her grief and her past. Mike and Gina. Mike and his grief. A community of faith, and the loss of two members. The Brady Bunch, minus the housekeeper as Gina says! 

The untimely death of Alice would explain all the grief.  And perhaps suggest that "Sam the Butcher," was more of an alias than a job description.

This book is not just about them, it’s about each of us and how we relate to the world and each other. Like the roots of an Aspen tree, we are connected to our past and our future. 

Looks like somebody took that fiction writing seminar at the Learning Annex, "From Timber Metaphors to Bears Gettin' Busy: Learning to Write the Scooter Libby Way."

The book does a great job of telling heart wrenching individual stories. But the book isn’t simply a couple of intertwined stories that play like a Hollywood drama. There is much more in it for you.

Especially if you hollow the book out and hide your stash of dried mushrooms in it.

 At the end of the day, the pages will speak to you. The ink will intermingle itself into your consciousness.

At this point you should probably reduce your fungi dosage, unless under the care of a qualified Yaqui shaman.

You won’t have to dig deep within yourself to find the message the book wants you to know.

It's pretty shallow, as messages go.

The story of Gina and Mike’s struggles and eventual rebirth will read similarly to everyone. 

At least until the ink gets into your brain, at which point the experience often becomes more varied and individual.  Some readers will envision colors, some will look in the mirror and see their face melt and morph into an image of Ann B. Davis -- not the murdered maid from The Brady Bunch, but the sexually frustrated secretary from Love That Bob! -- while still others will change the way they think about love and family, but won't be able to urinate without the sense that they're being watched by a moose on a unicycle.