Friday, April 9, 2021

Friday Beast Blogging: The "Drunk 'n' Disorderly" Edition


MOONDOGGIE: I'm tellin' you guys (hic!) once you go black, you never go back...bacon? Is it "you never go back bacon?" Cuz that sounds delicious--

SHADOW: He had a little too much catnip--

MOONDOGGIE: What! Who said that? I heard that!

SHADOW: I did.

MOONDOGGIE: No, one of them called you a "basic black bitch"--WHICH ONE OF YOU SAID THAT?! I will find you, and I will claw you down to the shin bone!

SHADOW: He doesn't mean that--

MOONDOGGIE: I do too! I'm dangerous when riled! I once killed a man in Reno just for salivating at my tuna!

SHADOW: Honey, c'mon. You really need to simmer down.

MOONDOGGIE: Awww, fine! You're just lucky my chick's here!

(Photo courtesy of MaryC)

The Slumgullion: Episode 84: Zack Snyder's Justice League: Dawn of Hyphens


Well, it's a (relatively) new year, and a few new films are tentatively poking their heads above ground like so many celluloid Punxsutawney Phils, so we've pulled the New Movie Crew out of mothballs. But we're all a little rusty from the long off-season, so we're going to start easy, with a film that's only mostly new:

Zack Snyder's Justice League

Less Joss.

More Snyd.

Sunday, March 28, 2021

ZomBBQ


HIM: Are…Are you all right, Elaine?

HER: Yes, Roger, everything’s fine now. While you were unconscious I talked it over with the zombies, and they’ve agreed to eat you instead of me, because better you than me.

HIM: What! But…I thought you loved me!

HER: And so will they, especially with this zesty dry rub I’ve applied to your breast and thighs.

Thursday, March 11, 2021

The Fourth Grade. Sorry, ESTATE. I mean Fourth Estate.

 


REPORTER: President Biden fulfilled a campaign promise today by signing the $1.9 billion American Rescue bill...

JEN PSAKI: Yes... REPORTER: But when's he gonna hold a formal press conference so we can get him on the record about Mr. Potato Head's cock, and why his dog is shit?

Tuesday, March 9, 2021

Strike Breaker? Or Fashion Risk Taker? You Decide!

 


AMERICA'S TRILLIONAIRES LEAD THE WAY

In Business...and in Business Casual!

AP - SEATTLE: Displeased by the way workers denied bathroom breaks have turned to inelegant solutions like unions, or peeing into empty soda bottles at their work stations, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos has turned his visionary's mind to the problem, and introduced this new line of fashion-forward staff uniforms: the Septic Slacks!™

Each leg is lined with waterproof, non-permeable materials that can hold up to an entire day's worth of urine and feces, meaning the worker NEVER HAS TO LEAVE HIS OR HER ASSIGNED STATION. Each new set of Septic Slacks contains a personal note from Jeff Bezos to the buyer:

"If you work for me
You're free to be
Poopin' and peein'
Vertically!"

Friday, December 25, 2020

A Trap for Santa!

This year...this crappy, crappy year...we're going all out, with our first major multimedia holiday special!

By which I mean, I told Jeff I wasn't feeling the Yuletide spirit this year, and he decided to remedy that by forcing me to record an impromptu commentary track to a forgotten D.W. Griffith Christmas movie. It was fun, I have to admit, although it involved more cannibalism than I was expecting.

Wednesday, December 9, 2020

Minyans

 

While his wife Mary had tactfully pointed out the bigger issues (they were far from home, couldn’t find a hotel room, and her water broke in a barn) it wasn’t until this moment that Joseph began to have second thoughts about hiring that party clown for his son’s birthday.

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