It's "Help Jeff Not Die" Day!

Happy birthday to my friend and co-host of The Slumgullion, writer-performer Jeff Holland! (Okay, it's a real challenge to write those words right now and have them not come off as sarcastic, but I swear, it's just the circumstances, not the sentiment!)

As some of you know, Jeff is in dire medical and financial straits after cancer surgery, and we're trying to raise enough money to stave off eviction until he's healthy enough to work again. 

Thanks to everyone who's donated--looks like we've got August rent covered. If you're just seeing this, please check out the fundraiser here; any help at all will be enormously appreciated.

Johnny Got His Price Gun

When I was a little kid, several intersections in my hometown had service stations on every corner, each with a sandwich board declaring a "GAS WAR!" on their surrounding competitors with all the Prussian hubris of a Großer Generalstab convinced Imperial Germany could prevail in a two front war. Failing to grasp the metaphorical nature of the taunt, I spent a lot of grammar school worried I would die as collateral damage in the coming conflict, never knowing love's first tender kiss, or even if the castaways ever got rescued from Gilligan's Island.

Later, after Omega Man came out, I was pretty sure I'd catch some biowarfare bacterium and become a crazed, mime-faced vampire who just wanted to kill Charlton Heston, even more than I already did after seeing Omega Man.

And even later still, when Ronald Reagan was president and Civil Defense tests of the Emergency Broadcast System suddenly returned to TV after a ten year hiatus, I became confident I'd end my existence toasted, like so many Lucky Strikes, in a nuclear conflagration.

I'm easily panicked, is what I'm saying.

But now that a genuine pandemic is finally here, I find I don't have the energy to panic. Fear is another matter; fear is on a pilot light and can be turned up at will, but panic requires a spike of freely available glucose that I can't seem to manage without sucking on a couple Pixy Stix. Instead, I'm filling the emotional gap with bafflement and disgust at humankind as I try to buy supplies for my invalid mother-in-law and confront aisles of denuded shelves at Ralphs and CVS. It makes me surprised that by this point God hasn't grabbed the earth, tucked it under his arm while angrily scrubbing away tears with the heel of his hand, and shouted, "Hoarding toilet paper? When it's a respiratory, not even an intestinal infection? Fine! FINE! If that's how you assholes wanna be--greedy and stupid--I'm taking my planet and going home!"

There doesn't seem to be much I can do to make things better, except sit here and not interact with the world more than I normally do, which is really only not making things worse. So I'm plowing through my Kindle library at a non-sustainable rate, and in looking around for fresh reading material I see a number of authors that I follow are cutting the cost of their books. I investigated how to do that, and now, armed with the knowledge and a mad sense of power...I'm declaring a "BOOK WAR!"

Until further notice, the ebook version of Better Living Through Bad Movies is 99¢. And unlike toilet paper, they can't run out of digital copies. Of course, unlike toilet paper you can't wipe your ass with it, but hey, that's what the Op-Ed page of the New York Times is for (and there's a new Bret Stephens column today, so eat plenty of roughage!).

Stay safe and sane everyone.

The Jon Swift Roundup 2019

Batocchio has done it again, organizing another tribute to the art of small batch blogging with the Jon Swift Roundup 2019. This year's compendium features so many taste-teasing posts that it's like the smorgasbord of sweets and sin on that island where Pinocchio gorged on ice cream and cigars before transforming into a hideous humanoid-animal hybrid, which seems like an apt metaphor for a year that's ending with the release of Cats.

Forward! Into The Past!

Just a quick note while you're enjoying Hank's exegesis of World Without End (spoiler alert: unlike a lot of Fifties films, the title is technically true thanks to the Future's acquisition of some mid-century He-Men whose genitals still function on the principle of hydraulic expansion).

Anyway, Batocchio has kept one of Blogging's most venerable and sacred traditions going for years now, by tending to the Jon Swift Roundup (The Best Posts of the Year, Chosen by the Bloggers Themselves), and the 2018 edition is out now.

Click here and catch up on all the cool stuff you were too busy being cool to read.

Friday Beast Blogging: The "Take the Long Way Home" Edition

Well I missed International Cat Day, but what the hell; that just means all the seasonal cards and catnip candies are half off. Anyway, I thought we'd take a look back at our two feline inmates:

Moondoggie -- 2007

Moondoggie 2017

Shadow - 2015

Shadow - 2017

Speaking of looking back...If you haven't consumed our latest multimedia offerings, please check them out and let us know what you think They're both short, but amusing; much like Nancy Walker.

Click here for John Carpenter's Halloween (1978) - The Polka Version

Click here for a Better Living Through Bad Movies audio special: Exorcist II: The Heretic!

We Need a New Motto Around Here

A couple of kind commenters and emailists saw one of my bleating posts and suggested I go ahead and make this shirt available, as a public service or first offence. So here you go.

Let the world know that you will not be intimidated (mostly because you're not really paying attention. And nowadays, who could blame you?) Seems to come in a variety of sexes, sizes, and colors.

State of the Yeeee-OWTCH!

Well, things have gone South, Sideways, and To Hell, all in one awkward, but awe-inspiring motion -- the sort of thing that could only be pulled off by a Cirque du Soleil acrobat who's been drinking between shows.

On Friday, Mary slipped and fell on the stairs to the ladies room at the Chinese Theater (during a screening of Wonder Woman -- O Irony, thou cruel mistress), dislocated her ankle and fractured three bones ("a hat trick!" as our friend Dr. Alice observed). So rather than watching Gal Gadot kick ass, we spent most of the evening in the Emergency Room, where they relocated her ankle to a better neighborhood, applied a cast, and said, "Yeah, you'll need surgery."

The weekend passed slowly, relieved by moments of eye-rolling terror when it looked like Mary was going to fall off her crutches (again, on the way to the bathroom). Monday we consulted an orthopedic surgeon, who was of the opinion that her ankle had been set improperly, and she needed immediate surgery. So it was off to the Emergency Room again, where Mary spent four hours in an uncomfortable chair in the Waiting area, then another seven hours on a gurney in a hallway. It was a cruel test of endurance and after awhile I couldn't stand it anymore, so I started to pretend I was watching a David Blaine TV special.

And that's where things stand. I'm heading back to the hospital, where the surgery will (we're desperately hoping) take place this afternoon. I'll update as soon as there's news and a wifi signal I can steal.  In the meantime, prayers and good wishes gratefully accepted.

Ichabod Crane Meets the Guardians of the Galaxy

Season 2, Episode 8

Scott arrives late! Jeff leaves early! There's a game show, a funeral, and a lengthy arbitration process governing who gets screenplay credit for Elektra (2005). In other words, it's the Confuse-A-Cat edition of The Slumgullion this week, as we mourn the passing of Sleepy Hollow, dead at the age of four. But the show gets a deservedly stylish send-off as we chat with M. Raven Metzner (the "M" stands for "Mysterious" we've decided, since he never did tell us what it actually means), co-executive producer, and writer of the season (and series) finale, "Freedom".

Then the New Movie Crew arrives to review Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol. 2 by playing "What's My Line?"

It'll make sense when you hear it.

(In the spirit of making sense, we should mention that the interview was conducted before Sleepy Hollow's cancellation was announced, so you're spared our joint crying jag.)


[Cross-posted to The Slumgullion]

Czech It Out

Our friend Jim Donahue has written a new piece at The Daily Grindhouse, on Czech filmmaker Karel Zeman and The Fabulous World of Jules Verne (1958), a unique proto-steam punk adventure that looks like the results of cold fusion between Georges Méliès and Industrial Light and Magic.

If you are of a certain age, you may have seen this black-and-white wonder on TV or at a Saturday matinee, and will be relieved to discover it actually exists, and wasn't just another chick pox-induced fever dream. For younger readers denied a chance to catch the film before it disappeared -- like Butch Wax and cigarette commercials -- in the 1970s, Jim provides a fascinating exegesis, along with a helpful link to a very watchable print.

Click here to read the article.

How Do You Role Play "Silent Running"?

In a very special edition of The Slumgullion, Jeff and Scott are joined by Sleepy Hollow Executive Producer/Showrunner Albert Kim. They talk about the show in general, last week's episode in particular, and tonight's finale in vague, teasing terms. They also talk a surprising amount about 70's sci fi.



[Cross-posted from The Slumgullion]

Leopold and Michelob

Put your feet up, crack open a beer, and listen as Season 2 of The Slumgullion debuts with two separate looks at sociopathic thrill killers (and Love, American Style).

We begin with a fairy tale by writer Indy McDaniel, who proves, with geometric logic, that Jeff is an idiot for liking Rogue One. Then we  eulogize Carrie Fisher, play the Sigmund Freud Movie Title Word Association Game, then Jeff and Mary run off into a corner and recap the final season of the TV series Bones while I'm left to empty the ashtrays and put all the beer bottles into the recyclables bin.

Finally, this week's Unknown Movie Challenge is a double header of movies inspired by Leopold and Loeb: Alfred Hitchcock's Rope (1948) - a lush, glossy Technicolor production that's ultimately evasive, gimmicky, and claustrophobic - and Compulsion (1958) a gritty, low budget black and white flick with class, sass, and the big brass balls necessary to take Rope's ten year old timidity about homosexual relations and just flat out play the queer stuff straight.

It makes for an interesting topic, so please drop by our new website and check out the merchandise (including the actual merchandise, since we now have two distinct flavors of themed coffee mugs for sale: one that will enrage ancient Hillbilly Vikings, and one that is almost guaranteed to irritate leprechauns. Choose wisely)

Agog With Blogs!

The 2016 Jon Swift Roundup is live, featuring the best blog posts of the year, chosen by the bloggers themselves (well of course they'd think these were the best published this year. But hey, it's the Age of Trump now, so conflict of interest no longer exists). All thanks to Batocchio for keeping the tradition, and the memory of Reasonable Conservative Jon Swift, alive.

Check it out when you have a few moments, because there's some great stuff on display this year (and also one of our posts, but that's just there for scale, or contrast, or something).

Better Living Through Listening!

Hey guys. A rare Big Announcement from someone who likes to keep his announcements travel size: The audiobook version of Better Living Through Bad Movies is now available! 

Featuring special audio-only bonus materials, including a new review and additional life lessons that look at Red Dawn (1984) vs Red Dawn (2014): Red Dawn of Justice! Now you can mix 'n' match your Patrick Swayze with your Chris Hemsworth, and make a whole new hunk who can fight Russians and Cubans, and then die, or take on the even more daunting task of battling Chinese troops who later change their minds and decide they're actually North Koreans. And then die.

Performed by the very funny John Szura and Blanche Ramirez (who some of you may know from appearances on The Slumgullion), Better Living Through Bad Movies: The Audiobook is available from Audible, Amazon, or iTunes.

Click on one of the links above to hear a sample. Makes a great gift idea. Not available in any store (except the ones I just mentioned). Offer void in Utah.

Stop! Look! Listen!

I'm behind on my birthdays again, but it's busy, busy, busy around here, and will probably remain so until Wednesday. Still, it's the Halloween season, and I wanted to take at least a moment to light this bag of dog poop on fire, ring your doorbell, and run away.

First, there's a new Slumgullion up -- a relatively short one, because I'm too busy even to yammer about my opinions on pop culture. I sincerely apologize for this, and assure you that if I had a yammer, I'd yammer in the evening. I'd yammer all over this land -- so if you didn't catch the latest remake of The Magnificent Seven, you can relax; we glared at it for you. If you did see it, then I don't know what to say, other than I hope you had the foresight to make out a Living Will.

The Slumgullion Episode 18 “It Should Have Remained Unknown”

Starring Scott Clevenger and Jeff Holland 

Guest starring Mary C, Blanche Ramirez, and John Szura. Also the Ghost of Alan Ludden. 

A Quinn Martin Production 

Jeff does a theme song mashup as format is thrown out the window and the remake of The Magnificent Seven is mangled to a magnificent mush.

Second, I'm not the only one around here who's been laboring like Mickey Mouse in the The Sorcerer's Apprentice segment of Fantasia, and if you haven't had the chance yet, I highly encourage you take a few minutes and enjoy Hank's review of Violent Road, a crappy American retread that carjacks the plot from the French suspense classic Wages of Fear, and proves that Brian Keith is no substitute for Yves Montand when it comes to brawny, sweaty existentialism (although I personally think Yves Montand would do a perfectly serviceable job replacing Brian Keith in Family Affair).

And finally, Moondoggie stopped by the Sears Family Portrait Studio and sat for his Fall Glamour Shot:

I call it "Man in the Moondoggie."

Shadow has gotten over her aversion to my new robe, now that it no longer smells like Mervyns, and will finally sit on my lap again, although she's clearly not thrilled at my habit of marking the occasion by humming "Ebony and Ivory."

SHADOW: Stop it. Stop it now. I'm warning you, I've got a hairball all cued up.

I hope everyone is doing well. What's going on with you guys? Catch me up in the comments. I feel like we never talk anymore.

Crap! Our Blog's a Teenager!

Yes, today is the 13th blogiversary of World O' Crap, and in honor of this statistically unlikely occasion, I've mixed up a Luau Daiquiri* and lifted a toast to Sheri (s.z.) Zollinger, who began it all with this post back in 2003.

I'd say more, but I've been up since the pearly dawn, walking to and fro (actually, fro and to) a local, but not conveniently located, auto repair shop, and cruelly extending the suffering of our car through artificial means, because the stupid thing didn't have the foresight to sign a living will or a Do Not Resuscitate order. Also, Jeb Bush signed a law that made me do it.

Anyway, I racked up a good six miles on foot, according to the GPS in my phone, and the demented shrieking in my lower spine, so I'm just going to sip my cocktail, and thank everyone for sticking with us through our incontinent infancy, our terrible twos, our fairly adorable elementary school days, our precocious, yet dangerously hormonal tween years, and now what promises to be our flat out insufferable teens.

Parental discretion (and cocktails) advised.

[Oh, what the hell. Here's a flashback to an old Dr. Professor Mike Adams, Ph.D. column, because somebody linked to it and it's getting a lot of traffic today for reasons that escape me. Enjoy!]

*2 oz. white rum

3/4 oz. fresh lime juice
3/4 oz. fresh orange juice
1/2 oz. vanilla syrup
Tools: shaker, strainer
Glass: coupe
Garnish: edible orchid (sub with a lime wheel if you don’t have an orchid or aren't unbearably twee)

Shake ingredients together in a shaker with ice. Strain into a chilled glass and garnish.

Adopt a Minx!

So there's this thing I've never heard of called "Stiff Man Syndrome". I don't know what it is, but like everything else in my life it immediately became a source of anxiety and made me wonder, if not actually worry, whether I'm Man enough or Stiff enough. And "Syndrome" reminds me of "Thunderdome", so now I'm thinking it's one of those things were Two Stiff Men Go In, One Stiff Man Comes Out, and I'll probably be the jerk left behind for the Zamboni driver to sweep up. Assuming Thunderdome death-matches are held on ice, which I assume they are, because the cold would explain the stiffness.

However, if you're not a man, but you're still stiff -- I mean chronically, catastrophically stiff, like, just had a staring contest with Medusa stiff -- then you may have the rare neurological disease that is now known as "Stiff Person's Syndrome", because Feminism, or maybe just because everyone expects doctors to be able to sex their patients at a glance, like that guy at the chicken hatchery who peeps at bird vents and separates the pullets from the cockerels. I dunno...Maybe I'm expecting a lot, but as I always say -- and you can check the record on this; Snopes will back me up that I always say this, often two or three times on a first date -- that if a guy with a G.E.D. and a history of alcohol abuse can suss out poultry sex organs with a 90% success rate, than I can expect no less from my neurologist.

So anyway, it's a neuter disease now, stiffening men and women with equal disdain for pronouns. And yet, I think everyone who has Stiff Person's Syndrome will agree -- it's a bitch. (Take that, SJWs!) On of those people is our own The Minx.

If you've been hanging around these parts for any length of time you probably know The Minx, who shares a birthday with our own Bill S., and is owned by distinguished cat about town, ZoeLuna:

Please leave me out of this.

Before we go any further, I'm must first take a step that is anathema to me, yet unavoidable: I'm about to doxx the crap out of The Minx. I'm sorry, but ethics in gaming journalism demand it. Her real name is Nadine! (Attention: Whoever had "Nadine" in the office pool, please see Jesse in Accounts Payable, she has your free box of Zone Bars.)

Nadine is a deeply fine person, kind to humans and animals, a reference librarian who was forced to retire because libraries are biased against Stiff People and prefer employees who can make a fist. And she's facing a round of expensive treatment and could really use some assistance and a bed that isn't acting as an Airbnb for her roommate's bedbugs. Mary and I gave what we could, but we're both unemployed right now, so it was a minuscule amount (on the bright side, our donation did conclusively prove that the ha'penny is still considered legal tender).

Here's a brief newspaper article about Nadine, SPS, Life, the Universe and Everything.

After you give that a peek, please visit her Go Fund Me -- One in a Million Nadine -- and help if you can.

Thanks!

S.Z. Presents: Cashin' In On Cats!

[Stolen from Sheri's Facebook page]

My new kid's book:

If you give a cat a bite from your sandwich, maybe a bit of ham, he will want another piece, and then another. And then the ham will be all gone, and he will want more, so you give him some cheese. And when the cheese is all gone, you will give him a piece of lettuce, and he will look disgusted, and leave it on the carpet, where you will step on it. The end.

Except that it's not. This will happen EVERY TIME you eat a sandwich. And soon the dog will want to get in on the act, and you will have to deal with doggie eyes every time you eat. Eventually, all you will get to eat will be soggy lettuce and maybe some bread that the dog didn't want. So, you have the idea of giving the mouse a cookie so that the cat will eat him instead of your sandwich. But the mouse will just join forces with the dog and the cat, and you will die of starvation.

THE END

With Special Guest Villain...Me!

My friend and co-host on The Slumgullion, Jeff Holland, has been cheating on me with another podcast -- a fun little side project he cooked up called The Writers Block, which I like to describe as "Storytellers telling stories about storytelling."

Recently, Jeff invited me to appear on the second episode as a guest, which was exciting, partly because he had to be polite to me and let me use the nice towels, but mostly because I got to share the mic with the multitalented Larry Blamire, playwright, screenwriter, and director of brilliantly funny films such as Lost Skeleton of Cadavra, Dark And Stormy Night, and Trail of the Screaming Forehead.

Check it out; it's brief, but packed full of insights and outrages.

Writer’s Block Episode Two “Larry Blamire and Scott Clevenger” 

What happens when Jeff gets to talk to the writer/director/star of several of his favorite films? He turns into a babbling idiot. Thankfully, his Slumgullion co host Scott Clevenger is there to ground him and ask some intelligent questions. 

Strap in. This one’s a lot of fun.

Post-Friday Pod Plugging

Although the next episode of The Slumgullion isn't due until next week, Jeff and I were so moved by Deadpool that we recorded a special mini-sode in the middle of the night as soon as I got home from seeing it:

Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Face 

Starring Jeff Holland and Scott Clevenger 

In this special mini Slumgullion, Jeff and Scott discuss the awesomeness of Deadpool, with a little Suicide Squad and Batman vs. Superman thrown in for good measure. 

WARNING: HEAVY SPOILERS

Shadow was also deeply affected by Deadpool, particularly the X-Men crossover elements, and wanted to do a special Pre-Post-Friday Beast Blogging in its honor.

SHADOW: From now on, I'm changing my name to 'Shadowcat.' Why, you ask...

SHADOW:  Because I've got kitty pryde.

SHADOW:  What?

SHADOW:  Yeah, fine, whatever.

The Slumgullion: Episode One: The Human Stew

I know I've been hitting you with a lot of aural product the past week and would like to apologize except it's totally Jeff's fault, since he's a font of creative energy and spontaneity, whereas I'm more of a sedimentary crustal layer who specializes in producing material on a geologic time scale. But with today's official launch of The Slumgullion, we'll be moving to our regular schedule, releasing a podcast every two weeks. (Not to say there won't be a mini-sode popping up here and there, depending on if/when Jeff overdoses on caffeine, and/or somebody we like dies...)

The Slumgullion Episode 1 “Shannon Tweed’s Lady Bits”

Starring Jeff Holland and Scott Clevenger 

From the carcass of The All Star Summer Jamboree comes basically the same thing with an equally weird name. In this episode, Jeff and Scott talk about Jessica Jones, Eyes Wide Shut, and soft core porn before settling down for an in depth discussion of the comedy classic Galaxy Quest.

In honor of the still dewy-eyed and youthful 2016, I also present a dramatic reading of the 1980 holiday special, New Years Evil.  You can check it out by clicking the title above (and if you happen to know anyone with a similarly suspect taste in pop culture, please pass on the link, like a game of "Telephone" or a case of bird flu).

And because you've all been so good lately...Cat pictures tomorrow!