Monday, January 31, 2011

The Exorcist 6: The Update

Because it's not everyday that you hear of an exorcist sex scandal, I did a little googling to see if there is anything more on the Father Euteneuer story. While Tom O'Toole does seem to have an exclusive on it, I did find a Palm Beach Post story from a few days ago which has some interesting details. So, here are the highlights.

Exorcist priest exits public spotlight, mystifying many

It was a classic cable-TV shouting match.

After criticizing Fox Television commentator Sean Hannity for being soft on the abortion issue, Rev. Thomas Euteneuer said he would deny Hannity communion because of his views.

"Wow," said Hannity, a Catholic and former seminary student, rendered temporarily speechless by the rebuke.
Maybe I was wrong about the Father -- anybody who can shut up Hannity even temporarily can't be totally evil.

That was three years ago. Euteneuer was the president and the very public face of Human Life International, a worldwide anti-abortion organization. [...] He was also an exorcist. HLI, his publisher as well as his employer, was promoting his new book on its website.

But this summer, without warning, Euteneuer, 48, left his HLI post, saying he had been called back to the Palm Beach Diocese by Bishop Gerald Barbarito. His book on exorcism disappeared.
If we didn't already know what happened, I'd say it was probably the work of demons.

In another interview, Euteneuer said one demon offered to help him with his Latin if he would let him stay put. Asked by the interviewer if that might be an example of demonic humor, Euteneuer retorted that demons have no sense of humor.
And, as we know, Hannity has no sense of humor. Therefore, Hannity is a demon. QED.

He condemned the Harry Potter books and movies, the Twilight vampire books and movies and the television sitcom Sabrina the Teenaged Witch as vehicles for the devil to enter weaker natures.
As the old saying goes, the path to hell is paved with Sabrina the Teenaged Witch.

He also advocated that exorcisms be performed outside abortion clinics, which he described as "temples of a demonic religion."

Euteneuer harshly criticized the public funeral for Sen. Edward Kennedy:

"Senator Kennedy will not be missed by the unborn who he betrayed time and time again, nor by the rest of us who are laboring to undo the scandalous example of Catholicism that he gave to three generations of Americans," wrote Euteneuer in an official HLI statement in 2009.
Um, yeah, that's what Fr. Tom was doing with those women: "laboring to undo the scandalous example of Catholicism."

By September, it was nearly impossible to buy a copy of his book, Exorcism and the Church Militant, just published in June. One online bookseller was offering it for $975.

Since the exorcism book became scarce, its value has shot up. Royal Oak, a used-book seller in Virginia, this month sold its only copy of Exorcism and the Church Militant for $500. Royal Oak priced the book at $500 after seeing the $975 price online.
Just think, if you had bought a million copies of the book back in June, you could be a millionaire right now! Plus, you would be the only one in the world who would know how to drive out the demons, and you could extort them for millions too! But maybe they thought of that first, and THEY are the ones who bought up all the copies. If so, you'll probably see them showing up on eBay any day now.

"Rumors that the book was 'pulled' or 'recalled' are not true," said Stephen Phelan, Human Life International spokesman. "We released Father Euteneuer's Exorcism and the Church Militant in June, and sold out of it some time after his departure from HLI, so it was on sale for over three months. It was decided not to reprint it as we no longer had Father Euteneuer on hand to explain the connection between exorcism and our pro-life mission, and we wanted to focus completely on our mission going forward."
Yeah, it would be kind of hard for the lay person to explain the connection between exorcism and the unborn.

But hey, here's somebody who can maybe do it.

Euteneuer became a hero to Christy Larker after she met him several years ago at a Catholic radio conference in Alabama, where she lives. She was then pregnant with her seventh child.

"Within that first trimester, I was experiencing something of a demonic nature," Larker said. "Something was not right. He was the keynote speaker and afterward, I went up to talk to him about the things I was struggling with. He laid his hands on me and started praying. By the end of the week I was set free from whatever it was. People noticed that I had a greater sense of peace. Several months later, I was told that he was an exorcist. God is so good."
So, we are to assume that Christy's baby was a demon, and . . . Tom exorcised it? But what if it wasn't the only devil fetus out there. If so, then maybe he was all wrong about abortions. Hey, Father Tom, it's something to think about.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

The Exorcist 5: The Quickening

If, like me, you are not up on all the latest Catholic gossip and scandals, fear no more -- for, thanks to diligent Renew America columnists, you can knowledgeably join in the talk around the holy water cooler.

And this is quite a story -- while not the greatest story ever told, it is pretty interesting, being the tale of a charismatic priest who developed a cult of personality, fought bravely for embattled womb babies, exorcised a bunch of demons, and then fell from grace, so to speak. I hope to see it soon as a Renew America feature presentation.

Anyway, our Renew America saga begins with a mystery (and not one of those divine ones). Devout young Catholic columnist Matt C. Abbott had penned many columns quoting the dashing anti-abortion priest Thomas Euteneuer (see, for example "Courageous priest blasts Obama, Congress"), but he saved his true admiration for the Father's thrilling feats of exorcism. But a couple of months ago Matt noted that the priest had suddenly disappeared from view, and that even his tomes on demon expelling had vanished from the shelves.
Father Tom Euteneuer, former president of Human Life International and author of a book on exorcism that was pulled off the market not long after it was published and promoted (including in this column), has seemingly "disappeared."

As my regular readers will know, I've quoted Father Euteneuer often over the last few years. But in news that surprised even me, HLI announced in late August that Father was stepping down as HLI president.
In order to pursue other opportunities, spend more time with his family, and take over as Governor of Alaska.

In addition to his rather abrupt departure from HLI, Father's book Exorcism and the Church Militant, which was being promoted by HLI in July, was essentially pulled from circulation not long ago, a vague reason given for doing so.

Strange, if you ask me.
A little too strange!

I do know this: There's "more to the story," and whatever transpired is not the result of a bishop's persecution. There are at least a few individuals who know the whole story, but, right now, they're not willing, or able, to divulge the details. Perhaps they don't want me, or anyone else, to pursue the matter. Well, that doesn't sit well with me.
Way to go, Matt. The truth is out there! Keep watching the skies!

I hope to find out more in the coming weeks. Maybe I will, maybe I won't.
You can't ask for more than that.

Anyway, to me it just seemed like another case for Supernatural's Winchester brothers, so I didn't pay it much mind.

Until this week, when a broken, demoralized Matt wrote briefly about his difficult time. ("I'm either going through a difficult time (nothing new to me) — spiritually and emotionally — or I'm having a crisis of faith. A dark night of the soul, perhaps.") Somehow, fr. Euteneuer was involved in Matt losing his religion, but Matt was reticent on the subject.

Fortunately, Jenn Giroux (a past Wo'C Wingnut to Watch, and formerly Mel Gibson's biggest fan) also penned a piece about fr. Euteneuer this week. And by telling us all to mind our own business, she made the mystery so much more interesting.

Lately I have been reading many disturbing things about Fr. Tom Euteneuer's departure from Human Life International (HLI), speculation on where he is, and outrageous theories and accusations circulating on the internet. As I sort through the speculation, gossip and hearsay, I see clearly that Father Tom has been handed his cross and is carrying it in silence.
Just like Father Charlie Sheen.

Anyway, Jenn gives us a recap of Fr. Tom's great work in the meddling with women's reproductive rights -- not to mention his hand-to-hand combat with Satan. And apparently when you face the devil in the ring of the World Wrestling Federation, you just might get a little evil on your robe and collar.
In addition to helping thousands of people grow closer to God, Fr. Tom conducted an exorcism ministry that helped hundreds of troubled people and this required direct confrontation with the forces of darkness.
Surely most of us have no idea what that exorcism ministry really involved and how much Satan and his minions have targeted Fr. Tom Euteneuer for destruction.
No,I don't know what his exorcism ministry involved, and don't call me Shirley! But I do wonder about why the Pope never mentioned anything about hundreds of possessed people. But I can see that if the good Father really kicked out hundreds of demons from the bodies of the god-fearing, then they and their boss might be after some revenge on Father Tom.
Few priests have so publicly and willingly taken on such controversial and morally difficulty challenges. If we forever remain ignorant of why Fr. Tom has been temporarily removed from public life, we can probably still assume that he is suffering the most intense form of private spiritual warfare.

And we can probably assume that Jenn is here to tell everyone to mind their own business about what Fr. Tom and the demons are up to.
While few know the details underlying Fr. Tom's removal from public life — I certainly do not — ignorance has not deterred imprudent tongues and keyboards from casting dark innuendos toward Fr. Tom, his Bishop, and others. It apparently does not occur to such people that, whatever the facts, there will be unnecessary collateral damage in the form of innocent victims.
Yeah! Whenever priests are involved in scandals there will be innocent victims involved, and so we should just cover the whole thing up, in order to protect these victims.
Whether Fr. Tom is blameworthy or completely innocent, you can be certain that he would respect the reputations of others far more than others are respecting his.

Maybe, just maybe, we don't need to know the whole story.
Okay then, let's move along. Nothing to see here.

But wait, here's columnist Tom O'Toole with the whole story.
Fr. Thomas Euteneuer, former head of Human Life International and Notre Dame Class of '84 and once-bold critic of all public figures who supported abortion and sexual perversity, now also seems offended that his own sexual failings should find their way into print.
Uh oh, it's a sex scandal! I was hoping it was just another case of fraud, charlatanism, and fixed demon fights.
Let's start with what has already been made known about the fall of Fr. Tom. The Diocese of Palm Beach has acknowledged (privately) "at least one inappropriate relationship," while the HLI side said (off the record) that "Father [reportedly] admitted to having 'an inappropriate relationship' with an employee in his letter of resignation [and] a second woman [apparently] came forward to say that Father had engaged in sexual activity with her — not intercourse, but close to it — while he was performing some type of exorcism prayer(s)."
I think that getting to third base while performing an exorcism is not only reprehensible, it's also unprofessional. If only Father Tom had followed the rule of Father Peter Venkman: "I make it a rule, never get involved with possessed people." (Well, since Fr Venkman added, "Actually, it's more of a guideline than a rule," then maybe Fr Tom did.)

In addition, a culture of negligence (as far as Church authority goes) developed, in which Father Tom, apparently without the official blessing of either the diocese or HLI, flew around the country for years performing prayers and exorcisms on vulnerable women on his own, fueled by cash or checks made out to Fr. E rather than the diocese or HLI.
So fraud and chicanery are involved too.

After some initial success with healing, many of these relationships went on for years with minimal positive results; either because exorcism, unlike the Consecration at Mass, is not a sacrament and thus depends on the holiness of the priest for its success, or worse, because (according to another lady who knew him), Father was [sexually inappropriate] with "more than one woman...many women...targeting confused, vulnerable women, often under the guise of spiritual director."
Okay, that isn't funny. Taking advantage of the mentally ill for monetary gain is bad enough, but sexually abusing a vulnerable person while posing as their spiritual adviser is truly evil. In my opinion, Fr. Tom is going to be meeting a lot of demons where he is going.

Thus, while Fr. Tom might have a case for invoking CCC #2477 [apparently some secret Vatican Miranda right or Cone of Silence or something] if it was just the one or two women HLI acknowledges (since they apparently were paid off and their settlement involved silence) it is for these other women, other victims, that the Catechism allows us to speak out. And if that last scenario allows us to speak out, the following case nearly compels us to.

This week, the vicar general of the Palm Beach Diocese (Bishop Barbarito himself was out of town at the time) while expressing their sorrow for Father's victims, also stated Fr. Tom has been pulled from public ministry and "he will not be doing exorcisms ever again."
Now it's all up to Father Richard Burton.

Anyway, our thanks to Renew America for this faith-eroding story. We hope Jenn and Matt have learned something from it.

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The Tea Party Pussies Edition

Riley:  Don't let your guard down for a second!  Remember, the price of freedom is eternal vigilance! 

Moondoggie:  Okay.

Riley:  No pasarán!  They shall not pass!

Moondoggie:  You know, things seem pretty free over by the window at the moment, so I'm gonna give that side of the room kind of a half-vigilance...

Thursday, January 27, 2011

The Devil And The DVD

A couple of days ago, Valued Member of the WO'C Community The Minx begged us to cut back on the Robin of Berkeley posts and mix in a few deep-album cuts from Classic Crap artists like Dr. Professor Mike Adams, or Pastor Swank.  Unfortunately, while Dr. Mike is still cranking out imaginary encounters with easily flustered feminists, the Pastor has either doddered off into semi-retirement, or finally found a cocktail of anti-psychotics effective in keeping away the homo nups and the Muslim murderers global.

Then again, perhaps Pastor Swank has simply tired of the hurly-burly of political punditry, and is looking for new creative outlets.  Back in August he experimented with food criticism, in a piece devoted to "Maine's Munchiest Morning Bun," before delving into Charles Kuralt territory with a column celebrating that most American of art forms, the yard sale -- although it somehow devolved from there into a jeremiad about poisonous earrings and the advantages of snorting cocaine off infant car seats.

Anyway, today the Pastor serves up a Bombeck-flavored piece on treacherous household appliances. (Spoiler Alert: It does not end like the Twilight Zone episode, "A Thing About Machines," with Swank's Norelco razor chasing him around the house in a homicidal and tonsorial rage, so don't get your hopes up.)

Sometimes Life's Problems are Simple
I could not get the DVD working.
We had signed up with Time-Warner about a month ago. Now I slipped in the DVD. Tried to get it to show on the TV scream. But no show.
I've had Time-Warner Cable in the past, and I know just how annoying it can be when there's no show, and the TV is screaming.
I punched the TV's autoprogramming. That did its thing. Tried DVD poke in again and no movie showing up on the TV screen.
Unplugged all wires to this and that for the whole system to reprogram itself.
Tried DVD poke in again and still nothing showing on TV screen.
It would appear that a "DVD poke in" is like a 60s-era "sit-in," and if Pastor Swank really wants to see Miley Cyrus in The Last Song, he's going to have to listen to the disc's demands.  I assume they're on one of the commentary tracks.
Turned off everything. Started everything up again. This time DVD movie would appear on TV screen. But it did not.
DVD movies are a lot like the Second Coming of Jesus.
Went to personal phone book to find Time-Warner phone number-toll free. Dialed it on a Sunday afternoon not expecting a mortal. Got a mortal. Surprise. She was there in the technical menu slot. Nice.
Nice for you.  The mortal, on the other hand, had apparently fallen afoul of that flesh-digitizing laser from Tron.
I tried to explain to her that I had slipped in a DVD movie to watch but nothing happened. It simply did not appear on the TV screen as it had every time prior when I slipped it into its slot, then poked the proper buttons on DVD box and so forth and so forth.
She gave forth with such jargon at high speed that I tired out quite quickly. After all, it was a Sunday afternoon. I had not taken my deserved nap. I was tethered with complications prior to making the phone call. And now she was speaking a language from the moon.
"Thank you for calling the Moon.  Please stay on the line, and your call will be answered by the first available Cat-Woman."
She informed me to get my Time-Warner manual, look up this and that relating to something. As if I knew where the Time-Warner manual was. I store these treasures in nooks around the place where I later have no idea where the nooks are.
Check the crannies.  That's where I keep my nooks.
I do believe that the Time-Warner manual was actual. It was a part of our Maine cottage reality scope.
It's just like that scene in Inception where Leonardo DiCaprio and Marion Cotillard are trapped for decades in a fantasy world of their own creation, until Leo realizes their only hope of escaping back to reality is find the warranty for the Shower Massage®.
But I actually had no idea where to start; however, I could not let on to that lady about that for that would have permitted her all the reason more to inform me to go fly a kite.
I think the mortal probably wanted Pastor Swank to read the manual because it also sounds like it was badly translated from the Japanese. 
I tried poking things again, per her jargon, whispering back to her her litany to me. Nothing worked.
While I'm all for the Pastor's attempts to stretch as a writer, I'm not sure this foray into erotica is really a good idea.  Still, it's better than the sex scene in Those Who Trespass.
Then I said in a soft, refined voice: "I don't mean to irritate you but I don't understand a word you are saying with your jargon. You are speaking too fast and in a language that I can't get hold of."
Well this is a switch.  Is it possible the Pastor fell through a wormhole and met his counterpart from another dimension, the Earth-2 Swank?
She permitted a Grand Canyon pause. I tolerated it. Then I broke the silence with this wisdom: "I have not found what you have related to me any help today and therefore will hang up."
"Do not even bother to inform me to fly a kite."
I thought of Butch, my computer guru who seems to know everything about today's high tech whatevers. I would see him mid-week. Could I wait till then or pant my breath dry in not seeing the movie via DVD?
Apparently it's the Unrated Director's Cut, with extra poking and more explicit litany whispering.
I thought of grandson who is in his early teens who likewise is part of the generation that knows everything by God's knowledgeable pattern placed within these urchins at conception. They seem to come onto the planet with a high tech equation imbedded in their genes.
O brave new world!  That has such urchins in it!
I prayed. "God, can you help me? I know that there are starving humans on the Earth who need your help far more than I do. And you have those who have just passed through death's door. They are there at the judgment seat of Christ tended to for their eternities. However, can you please show me the solution to this problem, that is, if it is your divine will to be so kind?"
"Your prayer is very important to us.  Please stay on the line and your prayer will be answered by the first available Supreme Being."
Then it was that I lifted the microwave out from the kitchen wall. You see, it hides the myriad wires that run from TV, Time-Warner network and other items such as a toaster. I followed the wires from the TV and Time-Warner contraption only to discover that one wire was not plugged into the outlet.
"I tried pushing the DVD into the toaster, but still the movie was no show."
I plugged it in.
Then I went back to the DVD player, poked in the proper buttons and - lo and behold! - there was a movie showing up on my TV screen.
How quaint.
So it was all due to an unplugged appliance.  This is basically the same plot as the MST3K short Young Man's Fancy... the Pastor should just consider himself lucky that he was finally able to sit down and watch The Omega Code, and didn't wind up married to a lipless loser named Alexander Phipps.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Devo Madonna

Ladies -- we need to talk.  Now, I wouldn't be telling you this if I didn't care, and you know I've always loved your work as a sex, but I'm afraid this whole "Woman" thing is just over.  The novelty has worn off.  We've hit Peak Vagina, and it's all downhill from here.  Even American Thinker Jim Mahoney thinks so, and he's always been your biggest booster:
The Descent of Woman
For over fifteen centuries in the world touched by Western civilization, Christ's mother embodied the feminine ideal. During this time, the Virgin Mary's dignity extended to all women.
She inspired the arts and literature. Most importantly, she inspired mothers who in turn inspired their children to honor and respect femininity. The age of chivalry was a product of the veneration of women who modeled themselves on the Mother of God.
C'mon, don't cry.  Look, you had a great run!  For fifteen hundred years you pulled off a very plausible impersonation of a Virgin, despite the near constant pregnancies, but sooner or later the rubes were bound to catch on that you were having sex behind their backs.  Even Michelle Duggar's kids have begun to suspect.
Such women behaved and dressed modestly. Not only did their modesty conceal their physical charm, it also masked whatever blemishes nature may have imparted.

Floor-length gowns were useful in concealing rickets, while wimples helped a woman de-emphasize her pinhead and male pattern baldness.
Most of all, free of physical distraction men attuned to the spirit appreciated the vastly more important and enduring qualities of their women. They understood true beauty: the beauty of the soul.
This perhaps explains the fashion among women of the Late Middle Ages and early Renaissance periods for cosmetic soul augmentation surgery.
Contrary to current mythology, there were plenty of strong women throughout those centuries.
That's the thing about feminists that bugs me the most -- their tiresome insistence that woman played no significant part in history.
However, they were invariably feminine women, who, like their model, derived their power from their feminine identity.
Doesn't her power actually stem from the claim she was impregnated by the Supreme Being? I'm not sure how practical a model that is for most young women, although claiming your boyfriend is God would probably stop the cheerleaders from throwing Slushies at you in the hall.
Mary's influence began to fade in the 16th century.
Her last album tanked.
Eventually in much of the West, she came to be regarded as just another woman.  All women were depreciated in proportion to her waning influence.
Men of the time were often heard to exclaim in surprise and disappointment: "Hey, how can you be a holy virgin when you're dying of the plague like everybody else? And besides, didn't we have sex last night?...Oh crap."
Today, after another 500 years, femininity is all but extinct, a casualty of an insane frenzy to convince women they are equal to men.  Of all the revolutionary zealots determined to expunge femininity, none yet seems to have discovered what women are supposed to be other than morphologically non-conforming men.
There are different theories, but most zealots feel that women are supposed to be xenarthrans, since that's a largely vacant genetic and environmental niche, and -- to paraphrase Herman Mankiewicz -- their only competition are idiots and armadillos.

Cute, pink, "fairy armadillos," who dress modestly beneath the crusty, bone-like carapace.
If there were an enemy bent on destroying all humanity, he would find no better place to start than by destroying femininity.  Despite social pressures to the contrary, women will probably always form the next generation.
Although, since femininity was killed off, women tend to form new generations from Plastigoop, using the Thingmaker.

"Liberating" young girls from a model of purity and docility to God and supplanting it with a burden of guilt, shame, and rage would breed mothers who would inevitably infuse their children with resentments and hostilities thereby creating a self-propagating blight sure to infect future generations.
Strangely, my mother accomplished all that while still wearing an A-line dress, open-toed pumps and a wiglet.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

A Whiter Shade of...White

As "licensed psychotherapist" Robin of Berkeley has repeatedly demonstrated, she can spot mental illness from three thousand miles away, so long as the patient is a Black man in the White House, because then the diagnosis pretty much writes itself: he took a lot of drugs, or was dropped on his head.
Is there something wrong with [Obama's] brain? ... Did Obama ever have a head injury? His stepfather in Indonesia was purportedly an alcoholic abuser. Was Obama subject to any physical abuse?
Obama admits to a history of drug use in his youth. Did his usage cause some damage? Does Obama still use?
But with the White race, a psychological evaluation is trickier, because seemingly insane behavior ("white males donning low-rider jeans, blasting hip-hop music, and speaking in street jive") is often a purely physiological response to danger, an attempt, much like the chameleon's, to evade predators by blending in with the dominant minority culture.  For Caucasians, the Fight or Flight instinct has been replaced by remorse for slavery and an urge to sport bling, a condition evolutionary biologists refer to as the Guilt or Gilt reflex.

Fortunately, Robin appears to have cured humanity (or at least the pale part of it) of this crippling condition:

This is certainly good news, since white guilt has long been our our most pressing racial problem, and the one thing preventing us from making real social progress in this country.  I have a feeling that once we've finished this article, RightNetwork won't even need that "race relations" tag anymore, and can retire it, or use it exclusively for their new line of NASCAR driver slash fiction.
There’s only one TV show that I can stomach these days -- ABC’S The Middle. In contrast to most of the trash out there, this series is about an intact, church-going, American family.
So it's slightly less realistic than that other ABC show about the family that gets super powers.
On one particular show, the salt-of-the-earth dad, Mike, begrudgingly goes on a job interview. The young, perky interviewer asks, “If you were a color, what color would you be?” 
Offended, Mike shoots back, “I’m happy with the color I am! Are you even allowed to ask that question?”
Now, to me, that’s laugh-out-loud funny, and the fact that the quip is so politically incorrect makes it even funnier. 
Wait -- I thought portraying sitcom husbands as incompetent dimwits was politically correct
What Mike says is truly daring for a white guy--boldly stating that he likes the color of his skin. Because these days, there’s a ubiquitous message that there is something wrong with being Caucasian.
Which is why fashion magazines have been digitally blanching the skin of non-caucasian models -- so we don't feel so alone.  
This anti-white bias is all over the place, such as commercials wherein the white guy is always the buffoon.
Whereas back in the 1960s, our purchasing power was respected, and our race was depicted with a quiet dignity.  In fact, advertisers would often add a second layer of whiteness just to make us seem that much more dignified.
Children learn in elementary school to associate Caucasians, especially Americans and Israelis, with genocide and oppression. It’s no wonder so many liberals are stricken with a severe case of white guilt.
I blame the anti-vaxers.
Now, if you’re fortunate enough to live in a Red State, perhaps the anti-white vibe isn’t as intense.
Yeah, it sounds like a wonderland.  Remind me again why you aren't Robin of Muncie?
But in my neck of the woods, whites feel bad about taking up space on the planet (which partly explains liberals' environmental fanaticism).
I replaced my incandescent light bulbs because I'm tormented by Wounded Knee.
Consequently, people will go to extreme lengths to shed the Scarlet “C” (Caucasian) Letter.
But Robin wears the Scarlet "C" proudly.  I wonder how long that'll last once she figures out it doesn't stand for (Caucasian).

Oh well, I've got my own problems.  I managed to shed the Scarlet "C", but I'm still working on the Acid-Washed "C" (Cracker), and haven't even started shedding the Madras Plaid "H" (Honky).
Some desperate whites will even masquerade as persons of color.
Patient presenting symptoms of tertiary White Guilt.

But victims of this pandemic don't suffer only from ennui and burnt cork.  Many report suicidal thoughts, which they frequently attempt to act upon by living within easy walking distance of a Supercuts and a gourmet pupuseria.
Many of the denizens of liberal cities will martyr themselves to escape the stigma of their whiteness. Citizens will endure astronomical crime rates that would never be tolerated in conservative areas.
Conservative areas limit themselves to victimless crimes, like drunk driving and meth-cooking.
Almost everyone I know, including yours truly, has been a victim of a crime--
Such as drivers "playing with her mind" or bicyclists exceeding the speed of light.
...whether a mugging, a car theft, or worse. Yet there’s barely a whimper from the long-suffering populace.
That's because if you scream, you might crack your shoe polish, and people will realize you're white.  And then good luck getting any respect from the police.
What gets to me is the constant self-deprecation. Whites practically bow their heads in shame when talking about anything related to race. The refrain is: “What do I know; I’m only a white person,” or “I’d like to reach out to my black neighbor--his wife just died. But how would I know what a person of color is feeling?”
Before approaching a grieving person of color, first attempt to establish communication by playing a five-tone musical phrase in a major scale (if you have black neighbors it's a good idea to always keep a synthesizer on hand in case one of them dies).  After they repeat the phrase, demonstrate the Curwen tone gestures, and if they respond, send them a Pick-Me-Up Bouquet™.
Liberals may think they’re being compassionate by anointing others with special status. But in reality, their attitude is racist. Seeing another as different--whether inferior of superior--is racist. While conservatives tend to be color-blind, liberals focus, laser-like, on race.
I wasn't going to go through with the Lasik treatment until the doctor told me it would improve my racism.
Liberalism divides people into racial groups--some being the victims, and others, the oppressors.
So as you can imagine, Sadie Hawkins Day comes as a big relief to everybody.
It’s no wonder white people internalize this shame and contempt. But they have another choice, and that is this: seeing that prejudice is wrong, no matter who the target might be.
It's like the end of The Defiant Ones, when Tony Curtis' bigoted redneck convict finally realizes how wrong it is for Sidney Poitier to be prejudiced against him.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The Bad Touch Edition

Riley:  Ugh, what a day.  Subjected to one indignity after another, just because I lack opposable--

Riley:  What are you doing?  Are you...are you resting your head on my ass?  What do I look like to you, upholstery?!"

Moondoggie:  I like big butts and I cannot lie.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Stoop of Stupidity

Randy Thomasson, in case you've never had the pleasure, is president of, and an insufferable busybody of Gladys Kravitzian proportions.  But instead of pressing his eye to the crack in the living room drapes, spying on the Stephens all day, Randy spends his life obsessing on the homos.  Sadly, however, he does not appear to have married a weary skeptic like Abner, so there's no one around to issue snide remarks from behind the newspaper and gently discourage Randy from making a fool of himself.
Randy Thomasson protesting Proposition 8, the Marriage Equality initiative by reading aloud from the French children's book, "Gaston Has Two Maitre d's."

So when the GLBT Historical Society opened the first gay museum in the U.S., Randy was moved to commemorate the occasion with an outburst of dumb.
GLBT museum celebrates a lie, ignores the truth
"This is not so much a museum; this is a propaganda porch," he contends. "There [are] going to be some people who want to believe in lies while they're visiting, but anybody interested in real history is going to find so many pages ripped out of that book."
I hate when people rip pages out of my porch.

Interestingly, the original plans called for a "propaganda piazza," but funding was an issue, and the project architects were asked to instead design a "misinformation mezzanine."  When this option also proved cost prohibitive, museum officials considered a "falsehood foyer" and a "bullshit breezeway" before settling on the final concept.
Thomasson further argues that the museum fails to mention the truth about alternate lifestyles, as it omits information about the AIDS epidemic
Going to the museum's website and looking under "Topics," we see the following:
• HIV/AIDS: Grief, Solidarity, Determination
But in all fairness, it was second from the bottom of a long list, and by the time Randy got to:
• Leather: Dark Desires, Public Pleasures
...he was probably feeling the need to get out of the office and spend a little quality time with his wetsuits.

Anyway, what other truths about alternate lifestyles does the museum fail to mention?
...sexual crimes, and molestation, 
Suspiciously, the National Bottle Museum omits this information as well.
as well as the trampling of fundamental and religious rights in the name of "equality."
Also, have you noticed that the museum at La Brea Tar Pits never mentions that evidence could show that all the mastodons, sabertooth cats, and dire wolves found fossilized in the pool of liquid asphalt were actually stabbed by a homosexual serial killer, like in the 1980 Al Pacino film Cruising.  (It's been a few years since I've seen it, but I'm pretty sure the murderer turned out to be a Harlan's ground sloth.)
Nonetheless, he believes the museum will continue to receive funding.
"I believe they'll have the money to keep this place open because it will become sort of a Mecca to them," the pro-family leader suggests.
I wonder who the pro-family leader means by "them."  Gays?  Tourists?  Mutated ants?
"And it's unfortunate -- celebrating a lie instead of acknowledging the truth."
Museums don't exist to preserve history, transmit facts, or inspire an appreciation for the arts, they exist to validate our preconceptions.  And, if it's not a holiday, our parking.
The GLBT Historical Society currently relies on donations and volunteers to keep the museum open.
While it's nice that there are people willing to contribute their time and money to a private institution celebrating the GLBT experience, it still seems unfair that Randy doesn't get to pick the exhibits.  But perhaps he could establish his own museum, one dedicated to the principles most dear to him: fundamental and religious rights, and molestation.

I hope Randy gets right on that, because I'm certainly looking forward to acknowledging the truth and ripping the pages out of his dogma dormer, prevarication parapet, and asshole annex.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Robert Ludlum's The Dogpatch Vendetta

I don't mean to poach on Sadly, No! territory, but I happened to wander past Don-Bob Surber's privy yesterday, and the grunting and squealing that escaped the half moon cut-out was difficult to ignore.

I do not want civil discourse
For a decade, from the election of Bush 43 forward, the Left has lied and cheated as it tried to return to power. Al Gore made a mockery out of the American electoral system by being a spoilsport over Florida, which Bush indeed won by 537 votes. 
Gore won the popular vote by 500,000 ballots, but that was no excuse for thinking he might have won the election; not when there were elderly Jews in Palm Beach voting for Pat Buchanan in droves!
Dan Rather forged a document to try to derail Bush’s re-election.
Personally.  He spent many nights hunched over a trestle table, peering through a magnifying glass by candlelight and forging away, like Donald Pleasance in The Great Escape.
Twice Democrats stole U.S. senators from the Republicans.
Leaving changelings in their place, and forcing Republican leaders to brew beer in eggshells whenever they wanted to hold a caucus.
After voting to support the war to get by the 2002 election, many Democrats quickly soured on the war. 
Souring on a war is exactly the same as cheating and lying, except a sour war tastes more like Gummi Worms.
Once in power, liberals were the opposite of gracious.
For two years now, I have been called ignorant, racist, angry and violent by the left. The very foul-mouthed protesters of Bush dare to now label my words as “hate speech.”
We meant to label your words "hate speech" before 2008, Don, but a neighbor borrowed the Dymo and took his time returning it. We apologize for the delay and any inconvenience, and would like to offer you a complimentary beverage, but I see you're already settled in with a 32 oz. Big Gulp of bile.
Last week, the left quickly blamed the right for the national tragedy of a shooting spree by a madman who never watched Fox News, never listened to Rush Limbaugh and likely did not know who Sarah Palin is.
Apparently the shots were fired by The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.
Rather than apologize, the left wants to change the tone of the political debate.
The left suddenly wants civil discourse.
Bite me.
The left wants to play games of semantics.
Bite me.
The left wants us to be civil — after being so uncivil for a decade.
Bite me.

As long as the left is making requests, Crow T. Robot wants his catchphrase back.
There is grown-up work to do now. Liberals ran up the federal credit card, destroyed the American medical system and undermined the rule of law — which is the foundation of capitalism — with a bunch of unconstitutional fiats from the president and his bureaucracy.
It kind of sounds like Don lives in that snowglobe that belonged to the autistic kid in the last episode of St. Elsewhere. Nah, probably not; they had better health care.
I was not consulted on that stimulus. I had a very good argument against it.
"Unfortunately I didn't think of it until after everyone had gone home, and I was still trying to get my pants off the roof of the natatorium."
I said the money supply was too large and printing more money would fail. I said let the economic downturn run its course.
"I said the same thing to a co-worker who had cancer, too.  Never seems to bring it up anymore, which is weird, because you'd think lots more folks would want to consult me about their tumors now that the American medical system has been destroyed."
Lefties were too busy celebrating the 2008 election to listen.
If there's one regret I have about election night 2008, it's that I popped open a bottle of champagne, when I could have spent the night confusing Don Surber with E.F. Hutton.
When people protested lefties made vulgar remarks about tea-bagging and giggled.
The fact that you and your fellows named your patriotic movement after the practice of scrotum dipping isn't funny at all. It's a tragedy. A Greek tragedy, in fact, much in the manner of Sophocles' Oedipus at Perineum.
So screw you and your civil discourse.
I don’t want to hear it.
I have been screamed at for 10 years.
Perhaps you should try a different singles bar. 
It’s my turn now. I am not going to scream back. But I refuse to allow anyone to dictate what I say or how I say it.
I was going to suggest you say it like Goober Pyle, but I see you're way ahead of me.
I refuse to allow the same foul-mouthed, foul-spirited foul people who dumped on me to now try to tell me what I may or may not say.
My free speech matters more than the feelings of anyone on the left. You don’t like what I say? Tough.
Speaking as someone who spends way too much time online looking for stupid things said by unpleasant people, I love what you say, Don, as it allows me to knock off early.
I will not allow people to label my words Hate Speech or try to lecture me on civility. I saw the lefty signs. The left’s definition of civil discourse is surreal.
Possibly, although you said the same thing about the toasting instructions on that box of Pop Tarts.
Indeed, this call for civil discourse is itself a direct threat to my free speech.
So screw you.
You don’t like my words? You don’t like my tone? You feel threatened?
More tickled, actually.
Too bad.
Actually, that is what I want. I want the lefties to feel bad. I want them to feel hurt. I want them to cry to their mommies.
Santa Claus has taken note of your wish list.
That way the field will be cleared so we grown-ups can fix the nation and the economy.
If you can’t put up with a little excrement, get the hell out of the barn.
This, coincidentally, is also Don's preferred pick-up line, and may explain his poor ROI at the Tic Tock Cocktail Lounge out on Highway 60.
UPDATE: Linked by Ann Althouse. Thanks.
I'm generally opposed to nut-picking, as it proves nothing, except -- there are lots of nuts on the internet. But the comment thread of Althouse's post linking to Surber made me, once again, extremely grateful for the folks who visit WO'C. Here's a taste:

Florida said...

"I'll start being civil the minute the Left starts being honest."

We're already being civil. We've decided to try elections one more time instead of the revolution they so richly fucking deserve.

These socialists haven't seen uncivil yet.

There is a profound difference between left and right. Out here in Kansas we may see some fag in drag trying to pass as Mrs. Claus in the Macy's parade ... and we say "Those folks on the coasts can be mighty quirky." And then we get back to our lives.

Yet people from New York and San Francisco travel from one small town to another in Kansas, Nebraska, and other parts of the Heartland.

They are searching for crosses, or Ten Commandment monuments to sue, for it is in their nature to impose their views on others.

They are most fortunate that we have decided NOT to give them our ammo, one hot round at a time.

We're happy to leave them alone, but the contra-positive is entirely beyond them,
A steady diet of this kind of thing, and you know what?  I would drink wine out of a box.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

MLK Brought To You By SOB

Spanning the globe, to bring you the wide world of wingnuts, we kick off our Martin Luther King Day celebration with the one thing every holiday needs to succeed in America:  a martyr.

Meet Brett Reese, small town entrepreneur, who, with only a local radio station, a throwaway newspaper, and the power of his own fierce belief in the ennobling influence of free and open debate, has challenged the gray and faceless battalions of political correctness.  Oh, and he also has the power of an editorial ghost written by a white supremacist, entitled, "The Beast as Saint: The Truth About 'Martin Luther King.'"

Armed with these few weapons, Brett has taken on the looming figure of Dr. King, like David slinging stones at Goliath, determined to prove that "a sexual degenerate" should not be permitted a seat at the hallowed pantheon of American heroes; and certainly not allowed to order lunch.  Here, again, Brett's ghost writer provides unimpeachable, weaponized insider knowledge, because "[i]n 2008, he pleaded guilty to one count of possessing child pornography in a plea bargain. He served slightly less than two years in prison for the conviction."

So let's join Brett and his martyrdom, already in progress at WorldNetDaily:
Fierce backlash against MLK critic
'You can't pee on the altar of political correctness'
Death threats. Character assassination. Public repudiation. Demands to quit the local school board. Infringement on his right to bear arms. A pressure campaign against his advertisers. All for daring to broadcast a commentary acknowledging the smudges on the character of Martin Luther King, Jr.
[Spoiler Alert: the "death threats" turn out to be exactly as real as the "smudges," giving the whole story a nice symmetry.]
Greeley, Colo. businessman Brett Reese, a real estate investor and owner of radio station KELS and the Greeley Gazette newspaper, has been weathering the storm since last Friday, when he began twice-daily broadcasts of a listener's commentary questioning whether America should celebrate Martin Luther King Day.
"To me it's a First Amendment right, but apparently in our society you can't pee on the altar of political correctness. That is enough to get you death threats," Reese told WND.
KELS, better known as 104.7 Pirate Radio, devotes most of its programming to music, but the station also routinely runs commentaries related to upcoming events like the Jan. 17 MLK holiday. Reese airs such commentaries for up to two weeks at a time.
Here's a sample of the kind of programming the station advertises (the ad appears on the website of Brett's "newspaper," the Greeley Gazette):

If you'd like to read more, the Greeley Gazette is available (for free!) at the following locations:

Flamingo’s Liquor (the old Bubba’s BBQ)
Nuway Cleaners-on 35th ave)
Laundromat on 10th St (next to Dairy Queen)
Culver’s (29th St/35th Ave on drive through side)
U-fill It (8th St/Hwy 85)
The controversial five-minute commentary...
Which Brett has been broadcasting twice a day for several weeks.
...raises a set of historically accurate but rarely acknowledged facts about King, including his repeated sexual infidelities and plagiarism. The commentary refers to King as an "America-hating communist," a charge that is disputed.
"Disputed"?  In my day we called it "debunked," or "total bullshit."  You know, the wingnuts are right -- this politically correct language is getting out of hand.
It also describes King as a "sexual degenerate."
By which Brett means he imagines Dr. King having sex with white women.  Alas, even ("THE EYES AND EARS OF THE TRUTH-SEEKING, FREEDOM-LOVING COALITION OF NORTHERN COLORADO") acknowledges, more in sadness than in anger, that "it was not proved that King had extramarital sexual affairs with white women, but with black women instead.)"

Recovering from this historical inconvenience, Brett soldiers on to declare that King is also "a criminal betrayer of even the interests of his own people," and looking at these two accusations (suburban fever, race treason) in context it's clear that Brett is just looking out for the ladies and the Negroes.  Even the Negro ladies.
The commentary initially referred to a website that Reese subsequently discovered was linked to a racist organization. After Reese found out about the racism, he removed any mention of the website.
Well, after the racism was found out, Reese removed any mention of the website.  Didn't seem able to do much about removing it from the commentary, though.  Some stains, as Household Tips expert Lady MacBeth would say, don't wash out.
Greeley Gazette writer Jack Minor noted that Reese has been broadcasting the commentary for three years, but encountered no complaints until this year.
I wonder if this was the year when someone noticed the commentary was driving traffic to a white supremacist website?  As it turns out -- yes, apparently so, judging by this opinion piece, written by "leaders of Greeley’s faith community."
[W]e would like to voice our deep concern and sadness at the continued broadcast of Mr. Reese’s inaccurate commentary on the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
As suggested, we did our own research and found the website he referenced is owned by Stormfront, the Internet’s largest forum for racists, white supremacists and Neo-Nazis.
It's a little hard to believe that two years or so went by before Brett noticed he was touting a White Power website.  I mean, it's not like Stormfront is coy about their agenda, and if he'd just done a Google search, he wouldn't have even had to get out of the boat, since these are the first four hits:

However, we like to give people the benefit of the doubt around here, so I suppose it's always possible that "Stormfront" is Brett's favorite Billy Joel album, and he just go so excited about sharing his love for "I Go to Extremes" and "We Didn't Start the Fire," that he accidentally promoted white supremacy.  (Our Colorado readers will remember a similar mix-up occurred in 1977, when Denver drive-time DJ Bob Meursault got so worked up about a rave review of Joel's album The Stranger that he killed an Arab.)
"This year the only thing that's different is the Gazette," Minor told WND. The conservative-leaning paper is a new publication, and Minor said Colorado politicians have told him the Gazette's presence has forced the rival Greeley Tribune to provide more balanced political coverage.
Well, it forced the Tribune to run an article by local faith leaders correcting the lies and sins of omission in Brett's commentary, so I guess Minor's statement is true, as long as we define "more balanced political coverage" as "achieving moral equilibrium between a Methodist and a son-of-a-bitch."

None of this might make a whole lot of difference, except to certain sensitive souls who don't care to have their Brenda Lee interviews leavened with white nationalism, but Brett got himself elected to the school board back in November.
The Greeley District 6 School Board reacted harshly to the commentary, issuing a statement castigating Reese and affirming celebration of MLK Day.
The school board statement calls Reese's words "unfortunate," "inflammatory" and "detrimental." It defended his right to express his views "as a private citizen," but also noted he is " … an elected member of this board of education."
"As such his behavior has the unfortunate effect of being linked to our board and school district," declared the board.
"Timed as they are, Mr. Reese’s words demean the existence of the Martin Luther King holiday and its honoring of not just Reverend King but of his messages of equal rights, peaceful demonstration, civility and respect," wrote the board, which adopted the statement unanimously after Reese walked out of a Monday meeting.
Brett did not take this criticism lying down, and while he didn't throw around terms like "pogrom," or "blood libel," because they're a bit too Jewish, he did apply a full-Palin to his opponents:
"They're all a bunch of flaming radical lefties," said Reese, who said he is the only conservative on the board. "I've had my character assassinated."
Jack Minor, the writer for Brett's website cum Pennysaver believes that the Greeley Gazette (motto: "Relitigating the Lost Cause since Third Quarter 2010")  has become too powerful, too influential, and the dusky elites who hold sway in this country will see it destroyed.
Minor suggested the MLK tempest is not inspired by genuine outrage over the commentary, but by a desire to discredit the Gazette by smearing Reese. In addition to influencing local news coverage, the Gazette covers the Obama presidential eligibility issue extensively.
But just because you're a birther who can't stop thinking about civil rights leaders despoiling the flower of white womanhood, that's no reason for figments of your imagination to threaten your life.
As a consequence of airing the commentary, Reese told WND he has received death threats, in person, to himself and his family. He added that numerous death threats have been posted on discussion boards of Denver-area news websites.
Reese declined to describe the threats in detail.
He also declined to report the death threats to the authorities, since the "Greeley Police say they can't find any written reports."
"I don't want to put any ideas into the mind of some lunatic," he told WND.
That seems like a harsh way to describe local law enforcement.  Anyway, Brett's solution is to arm himself, and bring the fight to his enemies!  Or, more accurately, to stick a Glock in his pants and spend District 6 board meetings re-enacting the scene from Red Dawn where Patrick Swayze and Charlie Sheen fight their way out of Wolverine High just as it's being attacked by Russian paratroopers.
Reese told his fellow school board members he has decided to carry a gun to school board meetings, which are normally held in administrative buildings.
“If you have someone threaten to put a bullet in your head like Martin Luther King had, what would you do?” Reese told the Greeley Tribune.“Would you still bring a gun?”
Apparently, the lesson Brett took from Dr. King's doctrine of non-violence, and his many inspirational writings and speeches was, "shoot first, preferably while taking cover behind members of the local school board."
The board "freaked out" about Reese's announcement, said Minor.
In response to Reese, the school board convened an emergency meeting Wednesday night in an elementary school, where carrying a gun is illegal, to discuss ways to deny Reese the right to carry arms to board meetings even while he's facing death threats.
Death threats so serious that Brett has been forced to bypass the police and the FBI and go straight to the top -- WorldNetDaily!
Critics have also launched a campaign to drive Pirate Radio's sponsors away from the radio station.
Here we have another example of misleading political correctness, so for "critics" read "rival conservative talk radio station," which is reportedly trying to filch Brett's advertisers on the premise that they can attract a similar audience, but with only half the racism.  Brett responded by calling the station owner and challenging him to a "shootout," presumably during a school board meeting, since that's when Brett usually has a gun on him, and it would just be more convenient for everybody.

On the bright side, the station owner not only took Brett at his word, he took out a restraining order against him, and the County Sheriff revoked Brett's concealed weapon carry permit.  So the Greeley District 6 School Board can breathe a sigh of relief, unless Brett decides to attend the next meeting in camo, carrying a shotgun or assault rifle in plain sight, and insists on delivering a 5-minute editorial by David Irving about the "profitable legend" of the Holocaust, just to add a little much needed pee to the altar.
Advertiser Matt Arguello, owner of Gwen's Salon, confirmed that he has received threatening phone calls, but he refuses to knuckle under.
"We're going to continue to advertise on Pirate Radio," Arguello told WND. " I compare it to being strong-armed by the mob. I'm not going to be strong-armed because somebody wants to silence somebody. I think that's wrong."
Well, that's pretty courageous, fighting for the free speech rights of another, especially when you have no personal interest in the matter.  If this were combat, Arguello is the first hairdresser I'd like to share a foxhole with.
Arguello also works at Pirate Radio as a disc jockey.
"Even if I wasn't employed at Pirate Radio I would still stick with my sponsorship," said Arguello. "Pirate Radio has worked for us, it has drawn people into the shop."
Sure, this may look self-serving to a socialist, but in capitalism it's called "synergy," or "ouroboros."  Anyway, Employees Must Wash Hands After Using Altar.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Robin of Vanity Fair

While doing research into the recent influx of crazy conservative psychotherapists, I came across a great new article by James Wolcott about "political entertainers". And guess who is one of the featured clowns?!? Our own Robin of Berkeley! (And this comes just days after her crowning as Gay Nitwit's "Jumbo Diva Conservative Queen of the Year.")It seems that Sideshow Bob is somehow involved in Robin's meteoric rise to, um, not total obscurity. So is the owner of the Philadelphia Flyers and some guy who carried a coffin to the home of a Democratic congressman. (Yes, that does explain everything.)

Anyway, here's the part about Robin:
But [Kelsey] Grammer is also the front man for a mega-Web site/fledgling cable channel called RightNetwork, which pledges allegiance to Norman Rockwell values of Americana but has under its glossy veneer another bughouse operation. Its pundit-in-residence is Jim Hoft, who once carried a coffin to the home of Democratic congressman Russ Carnahan, and one of its frequent contributors is a ranter named Robin of Berkeley, who presents herself as psychotherapist and political leper trapped behind the enemy lines of liberalism, where conservatives have to blink at each other in Morse code for fear of being overheard and tongue-lashed by radical lesbians, and not in a good way.
So, read the whole article when you have a chance.

Something Borrowed, Something Blue. Oh, And A Bloody Sheet.

Over at RightNetwork, Stuart Schneiderman warns us that by allowing gays to tamper with reality and perception, we risk tearing open the very fabric of the space-time continuum, which would be disastrous, because it would let all the stuffing fall out.  So we civil rights absolutists have been playing a very dangerous game by pretending that same-sex marriage exists when it really doesn't, and now we don't know if we're Chinese philosopher Zhuangzi dreaming we're a butterfly, or  if we are, in fact, a butterfly dreaming that we've gay-married Zhuangzi.

So who is Stuart Schneiderman?  According to his bio, he has "taught English literature and practiced psychoanalytic psychotherapy. Currently, he works as a consultant and life coach in New York City. Throughout, he has written articles and books about topics psychological and cultural. He is currently the proprietor of the blog: HAD ENOUGH THERAPY?"

Well, I've probably had less than I need, but I somehow doubt that Stuart's column is going to meet the court-ordered definition.
The Grand Pantomime: There Is No Such Thing as Same-Sex Marriage
Same-sex marriage is a fiction. Even if everyone believes that the fiction is real.
So it's sort of like the Bible.

I'm all in favor of marriage equality, but I do think it's kind of unfair that gays and lesbians who wed get to become fictional characters.  I believe that option should be open to all matrimonial couples, and I think you should be given the chance to select your fictional alter ego from the same window where you purchase your license.  Personally, I would have gone with either Fantômas, Spring-Heeled Jack, or Scrooge McDuck.
When a happy young couple says “I do,” their marriage is contingent on their performing a specific sexual act.
It's called "The Hammer Dulcimer" and requires a penis, a vagina, three feet of twine, a quarter cup of waffle batter and a picture of Eve Arden.
If they want to make their marriage real, they must consummate it.
While Stuart is filming them.  Pics or it didn't happen!
And that means that the meaning of marriage lies in the possibility of procreation. A marriage unconsummated is not a marriage. It is nullified, as though the ceremony had never happened.
The caterer's invoice begs to differ.
To become real, a marriage requires the possibility of conception.
This new ruling should make Rush Limbaugh's next divorce much smoother than the previous three.
It does not require conception. Failure to conceive has never been grounds for nullification.
Annulment, sure, but South Carolina didn't threaten nullification because it couldn't get the federal government pregnant.
Older, presumably infertile, couples are allowed to marry because if they had performed the same act in the past they might have conceived a child.
So your mom is free to remarry so long as the ceremony is performed in the Time Tunnel.  Then she and the groom can just nip back before the reception to 1969 and do it in the mud at Woodstock.
From its inception, the institution of marriage has always granted male/female couples the presumption of fertility.
It's just like our justice system, except with more sperm.
A couple that can never, between themselves, perform the generative sexual act cannot be married, regardless of what the state and the courts say.
The state has nothing to say about marriage, which is why we had to buy our license from  Lady Footlocker, and get married at Pinkberry.  And though my mother would have loved to have taken my father to court, she had to obtain her divorce from the cut-out bin at Licorice Pizza.
Moreover, marriage has always been a universal human institution.
If you don't count all the gay people.
If Jack and Jane are married in Paducah or in Xian they will be commonly recognized as such anywhere in the world.
Unless Jane was black, in which case their marriage was recognized anywhere in the world except Virginia.
You cannot say the same of Jack and Jim, regardless of whether they were married in Boston or Buenos Aires.
Unless they were married in Boston anytime in the last six years.
If Jack and Jim travel the world and present themselves as a married couple, most people will be sufficiently polite not to challenge them. But they will look askance at Jack and Jim.
Gays have had an easy ride in life up till now, but if they persist in shoving this equal rights thing down our throats, they'll have to put up with people glancing at them!
For their marriage to be real, a couple must perform a specific action.
To you, it's the sacred bonds of Holy Matrimony.  To Stuart, it's a live sex show.
Similarly, if you attend a funeral where all of the ceremonial requirements have been fulfilled… except that no one has died, you have not attended a funeral.
However, if you perform a certain sex act with the corpse, it's a marriage.
And you cannot have dinner if you sit at a table and go through the motions of eating, when there is no food or drink on the table.
If this happens to you, don't panic, because there's a good chance you're just Marcel Marceau.
Same-sex marriage is a fiction.
Well, at least it's not a blood libel.
Even if everyone believes that the fiction is real-- or be too afraid to say otherwise-- that does not make it less of a fiction. The world does not become flat just because everyone says it is.
And people don't become 3/5s of a person just because it counts them that way in the Constitution.
In many ways the strangest part of the current debate over same-sex marriage is how little of it involves rational argument.
But if you're looking for sexual repression and unreasoning hatred, dig in -- there's loads!
Proponents of same-sex marriage declare that if infertile couples are allowed to marry, then fertility cannot be a basis for marriage.
Grant that they do not understand the difference between possible and impossible. More importantly, it is nonsense to say that same-sex couplings are infertile.
If two people, between themselves, cannot perform any action that might lead to conception...
Like juggling, chiropracty, or turkey-brining...
...they are both might be perfectly fertile. Since they cannot perform an action that would actualize their reproductive potential and resolve the issue of their fertility, we cannot say that they are either fertile or infertile.
Grandma will be happy to know that wherever her uterus is right now, it's potentially fecund.
If Jack and Jill or Jack and Jim shake hands, and if no conception results, we would not say that this makes them sterile.
Just graduates of an Abstinence Only sex-ed curriculum.
Others have argued that without same-sex marriage then gay couples cannot fall in love or live their love. Does anyone really believe that, given the absence of institutionalized same-sex marriage, gays have never fallen in love? And since when did marriage become the way to find romantic love?
It is, and always has been, a medium for the orderly transfer of livestock.
Throughout most of human history romantic love and marriage have existed in separate domains. The Western tradition of romantic love begins with courtly love, which was, by definition, adulterous. Only a miniscule percentage of all human marriages have even pretended to be expressions of romantic love.
More often than not people have considered marriage to be the graveyard of romantic love.
You can see why the gays want to get in on it.
What happens if Jack and Jim are declared by the state to be married? At the least, everyone will be required to play along, for fear of hurting their feelings.
Courtesy is the new fascism.
Anyone who might be inclined to tell the truth will be forced to shut up.
And since nothing seems to be impeding your gum-flapping, I guess that means this column isn't exactly an affidavit.
It’s like the story of “The Emperor’s New Clothes.” ... Only one boy was sufficiently naïve to blurt out what everyone knew: “He isn‘t wearing anything at all.” If same-sex marriage becomes the law, you do not want to be that little boy. You will instantly be denounced as a bigoted hate-monger.
Or you'll be a spectator at the West Hollywood Pride Parade.
After all, it’s just a harmless illusion, so why not just go along?
Not to be too dramatic, but what happens to us when we are forced to accept that reality is what we say it is? What happens to us when we believe that we can change reality by controlling what people say and how they think?
All of a sudden, this does not feel quite so harmless.
I know there's been a lot of debate and disagreement about the real meaning of the Chris Nolan's Inception -- often, it seems as though no two people watched the same story -- but I'm pretty sure that Stuart is the only who sat through it and saw a gay porn film.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Townhall Arizona Shootings Punditry Roundup

Note to conservative pundits: we understand that you are required, by law, to write an indignant column about the Arizona shootings. We know that you are compelled to write about how, contrary to Sheriff Dupnik, everyone in the MSM, those mean former colleague who wouldn't "friend" you, and President Obama, the truth is that Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh were NOT involved in the shootings, as proven by the fact that they both have alibis covering the time in question. We are also aware (after having read it 579 times) that the shooter, Jared Loughner, is mentally ill, and so could not have been influenced by rifle scope symbols on maps or talk about reloading, as the insane are pretty savvy about differentiating between fearful fantasies and reality. Plus, since he had posted that he liked "Mein Kampf" and "The Communist Manifesto," he was obviously a Nazi/Commie, and therefore a liberal, and any anti-government rants he may have expressed had nothing in common with the Tea Party's anti-government rants, in that there is no evidence that he voted for Bristol Palin on "Dancing With the Stars."

However, dear Wingnut Pundit friends, please understand that there are roughly 21,259 of you, and reading your output on the shootings is getting rather tiresome. So, take this as notice that unless you come up with some interesting new slant on the tragedy, we will not be reading you anymore.

However, to be fair, we did read the 257 Townhall columns that came out today on the shootings. But, because they were really similar, we are allowing each columnist only one paragraph to make his or her case. (Unless, you know, they showed some creativity or were full of extra wingnutty goodness.) We will try to limit our responses to a similar length in return. (Offer not valid in cases of extra wingnutty goodness.)

So, America, here's your Townhall Arizona Shootings Punditry Roundup for 1/12/2011.

Ann Coulter: Liberals Seek Ban on Metaphors in Wake of Arizona Shooting

Needless to say, no conservative has called for violence against anyone. Nor has any conservative engaged in any "rhetoric" that was likely to lead to violence.
Needless to say, all those examples of Ann calling for violence against liberals were just figments of your imagination.

Michael Reagan: A Fool With a Badge is Still a Fool

When a would-be assassin shot my Dad, President Ronald Reagan, nobody questioned the fact that the shooter was certifiably nuts.
Oh, right, Michael is an expert on this subject because his father was President Ronald Reagan! So, he gets some extra space to make his case.

Now we have another attempted killing of a public official, Arizona's widely admired Rep. Gabby Giffords, and just about everybody recognizes the fact that the shooter, one Jared Loughner, is crazy as a loon.

Moreover, the fact that Loughner is probably nutty as a fruitcake, and perhaps dangerously so, could not have escaped the attention of local law enforcement authorities such as Pima County Sheriff Clarence Dupnik, who already had Loughner in his sights yet failed to do anything to prevent Loughner's obviously foreseeable killing spree.
Yes, obviously law enforcement should have known that a guy who was crazy as a loon and nutty as a fruitcake would obviously shoot a public figure, as that's what certifiably nuts people do. So, this crime is the Sheriff's fault, for failing to jail Loughner on the grounds that he's loony tunes.

In Dubnik's twisted logic, Loughner may be a murderer but somehow or other it's all Rush's fault for his unforgivable habit of calling a spade a spade nd referring to liberals as being mentally disjointed as the majority of them are.

So, the Sheriff is also at fault for failing to jail all liberals, as they are mentally off-kilter, as diagnosed by noted psychiatric authority (and expert on drug addiction), Rush Limbaugh.

Janice Shaw Crouse: The Witch Hunt vs. Evil Doers

Equally important, Erick Erickson [in a recent RedState memo] pointed out that the media, by using words to describe the right that they believe incite violence, are creating a situation that endangers those holding conservative views.
Um, the media is putting the lives of conservatives in danger by reporting on the inciting words that the Right is using, and that could attract the attention of evil witches, who use such words to cast malignant spells. (Note: I didn't read Erick's memo, but Janice's column never says how the media's use of words is creating this dangerous situation, so I had to speculate.)

Neal Boortz: Sarah Palin's Map
Were the symbols on Palin’s map really the crosshairs through a gun sight, as claimed, prior to the shooting, by Congresswoman Giffords herself? Palin’s office says they were not. They claim they were surveyor’s marks. So who’s right?
Clearly Sarah's office, since we all recall Sarah's call to survey the heck out
of congressional districts she felt were weak on illegal immigration.

Marybeth Hicks: Loughner Proves America’s Youth at Risk
High school friends say Mr. Loughner seemed relatively normal until his teen years, when one friend says he started to obsessively play video games, listen to music on his headphones and generally isolate himself. Others also recount that his headphones were fixtures in his ears.
While mental health experts may say that schizophrenia doesn't usually manifest until the teen years, which is why Logger would have seemed normal until then, there may be some merit in HIcks' claim that headphones are the real culprit here.

Maggie Gallagher: Did Sarah Palin Make Him Do It?
If you are a progressive, can you think less about Sarah Palin and more about how we can keep mentally ill left-wing potheads away from guns?
Sure thing! Since we've already heard from experts like Rush Limbaugh that all left-wingers are mentally ill potheads, and since the Left composes about half the country, the only solution is to ban the possession of guns by the general public. We need to do this to placate Maggie, Oh, and since Sarah Palin goes on TV shooting animals and such with her guns, I'm afraid we will have to ban her too, especially since we all want us to think less about her. This is a deal we can all live with.

Michelle Malkin: The Worst Sheriff in America

Despite zero evidence that Rush Limbaugh, cable news, the tea party movement or immigration enforcement activists had anything to do with Loughner's warped attack, shameless Sheriff Dupnik shows no signs of shutting up.
Oh, Michelle, if only zero evidence caused people to shut up . . .
The worst sheriff in America is walking in the footsteps of another infamous law enforcement official who put fame, ambition and ideology above public safety: disgraced Montgomery County (Md.) Police Chief Charles Moose, the publicity-hungry Keystone Cop who grossly bungled the Beltway sniper attacks in 2002. Like Dupnik, Moose let politically correct assumptions drive his investigation and incessant press conferences.
I recall the events of 2002 quite clearly. If only Moose had listened to Michelle when she kept telling him (and the world) that the sniper attacks were the work of Muslim terrorists who were trying to destroy America due to their Muslim ideology, then the crimes would have been solved immediately.

Wait, weren't the snipers actually trying to kill an ex-wife, using random victims to throw off law enforcement -- and Islam had nothing at all to do with it? I'm sorry, but this means that Michelle is totally discredited as an expert on everthing (except bungling, faulty assumptions, and publicity-hunger), and we can never mention her again.

Brent Bozell: Liberal Sickos Exploit a Rampage

This flood of slanderous sludge is designed for nakedly political benefit: to paint a permanent black mark on conservatives as accessories to murder, and criminalize any expression of conservatism as a dangerous anti-government conspiracy.
Nobody should now be imagining a naked Brent Bozell being painted black with sludge, because that would mean you were indeed a sicko.

Jonah Goldberg: The Exploitive Rhetoric of Tragedy
In the wake of the horrendous shooting rampage in Tucson, why isn't anyone talking about banning "Mein Kampf"? Or "The Communist Manifesto"? Or for that matter, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "The Phantom Tollbooth"?

After all, unlike Sarah Palin's absurdly infamous Facebook map with crosshairs on congressional districts that some pundits have blamed for the violence, we have some evidence -- suspect Jared Lee Loughner's own words -- that these books were a direct influence on him.

Sorry, Jonah, those weren't crosshairs, they were SURVEYOR'S MARKS! Get with the program, comrade!

Dick Morris and Eileen McGann: There Are No Politics In Murder

Since the shootings, I have gotten emails from the BBC and Sky TV in the United Kingdom and Der Spiegel in Germany requesting interviews.
Wow, these must be the first request for interviews that Dick has received this century!

How much they would like to link conservative opinions with the attempted assassination of a congresswoman! Suddenly, they are all ears

But their attempts at linking this insane killer to any political movement are ridiculous and preparatory to an abridgement of free speech.
For years the BBC and Der Spiegel have been waiting for a pretext that would allow them to abridge the First Amendment rights of obscure and forgotten American wingnuts.

Terry Jeffrey: What Did Influence Jared Loughner?

Would it be fair to at least entertain the hypothesis that Loughner's disdain for religion and admiration for the writings of Marx and Hitler had some connection with his manifest disregard for morality and the sanctity of human life?
Sure. Just as it would be fair to at least entertain the hypothesis that Loughner's belief that we should be using gold instead of currency has some connection with his manifest lunacy, and by extension, that Glenn Beck and Pat Boone are shills for the insanity industry.

Ben Shapiro: Why the Left Bears Responsibility for the Arizona Shootings

Dupnik's office knew that Loughner was expelled from the junior college for frightening behavior -- his classmates said he exhibited "kind of hysterical laughing, kind of creepy ... his hands and his parts of his body were shaking and trembling like he was under the influence of drugs or something like that." Some feared for their lives.


Law enforcement falls under Sheriff Dupnik's domain. Dupnik still has not answered why his office ignored the threats, why they failed to investigate properly, and why Loughner was allowed to roam free and buy a firearm.

Even at the most basic level, Dupnik has not explained why Tucson is so crime-ridden altogether.

Yes, since the Sheriff's office knew that Loughner was expelled for laughing, shaking, and trembling, and yet he was still allowed to roam free, then the Sheriff is at fault for the shootings. (I don't think that Ben wants to take on the NRA in a fight to keep crazy-seeming Americans from exercising their constitutional right to bear arms.)

And why hasn't Dupnik explained why there is crime in Tucson at all? Obviously the implication is that Dupnik is committing the crimes himself as a way to ensure job security. Somebody should do something about this!

Anyway, there are a couple more columns, but I think that's enough for today. And forever. So, NO MORE COLUMNS ABOUT THE SHOOTINGS, wingnuts, unless you can think of something we haven't covered today. And in return, we promise to believe that they were really surveyor's symbols on Sarah Palin's map.