Then again, perhaps Pastor Swank has simply tired of the hurly-burly of political punditry, and is looking for new creative outlets. Back in August he experimented with food criticism, in a piece devoted to "Maine's Munchiest Morning Bun," before delving into Charles Kuralt territory with a column celebrating that most American of art forms, the yard sale -- although it somehow devolved from there into a jeremiad about poisonous earrings and the advantages of snorting cocaine off infant car seats.
Anyway, today the Pastor serves up a Bombeck-flavored piece on treacherous household appliances. (Spoiler Alert: It does not end like the Twilight Zone episode, "A Thing About Machines," with Swank's Norelco razor chasing him around the house in a homicidal and tonsorial rage, so don't get your hopes up.)
Sometimes Life's Problems are Simple
I could not get the DVD working.
We had signed up with Time-Warner about a month ago. Now I slipped in the DVD. Tried to get it to show on the TV scream. But no show.I've had Time-Warner Cable in the past, and I know just how annoying it can be when there's no show, and the TV is screaming.
I punched the TV's autoprogramming. That did its thing. Tried DVD poke in again and no movie showing up on the TV screen.
Unplugged all wires to this and that for the whole system to reprogram itself.
Tried DVD poke in again and still nothing showing on TV screen.
It would appear that a "DVD poke in" is like a 60s-era "sit-in," and if Pastor Swank really wants to see Miley Cyrus in The Last Song, he's going to have to listen to the disc's demands. I assume they're on one of the commentary tracks.
Turned off everything. Started everything up again. This time DVD movie would appear on TV screen. But it did not.DVD movies are a lot like the Second Coming of Jesus.
Went to personal phone book to find Time-Warner phone number-toll free. Dialed it on a Sunday afternoon not expecting a mortal. Got a mortal. Surprise. She was there in the technical menu slot. Nice.Nice for you. The mortal, on the other hand, had apparently fallen afoul of that flesh-digitizing laser from Tron.
I tried to explain to her that I had slipped in a DVD movie to watch but nothing happened. It simply did not appear on the TV screen as it had every time prior when I slipped it into its slot, then poked the proper buttons on DVD box and so forth and so forth.
She gave forth with such jargon at high speed that I tired out quite quickly. After all, it was a Sunday afternoon. I had not taken my deserved nap. I was tethered with complications prior to making the phone call. And now she was speaking a language from the moon.
"Thank you for calling the Moon. Please stay on the line, and your call will be answered by the first available Cat-Woman."
She informed me to get my Time-Warner manual, look up this and that relating to something. As if I knew where the Time-Warner manual was. I store these treasures in nooks around the place where I later have no idea where the nooks are.
Check the crannies. That's where I keep my nooks.
I do believe that the Time-Warner manual was actual. It was a part of our Maine cottage reality scope.It's just like that scene in Inception where Leonardo DiCaprio and Marion Cotillard are trapped for decades in a fantasy world of their own creation, until Leo realizes their only hope of escaping back to reality is find the warranty for the Shower Massage®.
But I actually had no idea where to start; however, I could not let on to that lady about that for that would have permitted her all the reason more to inform me to go fly a kite.
I think the mortal probably wanted Pastor Swank to read the manual because it also sounds like it was badly translated from the Japanese.
I tried poking things again, per her jargon, whispering back to her her litany to me. Nothing worked.While I'm all for the Pastor's attempts to stretch as a writer, I'm not sure this foray into erotica is really a good idea. Still, it's better than the sex scene in Those Who Trespass.
Then I said in a soft, refined voice: "I don't mean to irritate you but I don't understand a word you are saying with your jargon. You are speaking too fast and in a language that I can't get hold of."Well this is a switch. Is it possible the Pastor fell through a wormhole and met his counterpart from another dimension, the Earth-2 Swank?
She permitted a Grand Canyon pause. I tolerated it. Then I broke the silence with this wisdom: "I have not found what you have related to me any help today and therefore will hang up."
"Do not even bother to inform me to fly a kite."
I thought of Butch, my computer guru who seems to know everything about today's high tech whatevers. I would see him mid-week. Could I wait till then or pant my breath dry in not seeing the movie via DVD?
Apparently it's the Unrated Director's Cut, with extra poking and more explicit litany whispering.
I thought of grandson who is in his early teens who likewise is part of the generation that knows everything by God's knowledgeable pattern placed within these urchins at conception. They seem to come onto the planet with a high tech equation imbedded in their genes.
O brave new world! That has such urchins in it!
I prayed. "God, can you help me? I know that there are starving humans on the Earth who need your help far more than I do. And you have those who have just passed through death's door. They are there at the judgment seat of Christ tended to for their eternities. However, can you please show me the solution to this problem, that is, if it is your divine will to be so kind?"
Then it was that I lifted the microwave out from the kitchen wall. You see, it hides the myriad wires that run from TV, Time-Warner network and other items such as a toaster. I followed the wires from the TV and Time-Warner contraption only to discover that one wire was not plugged into the outlet."I tried pushing the DVD into the toaster, but still the movie was no show."
I plugged it in.
Then I went back to the DVD player, poked in the proper buttons and - lo and behold! - there was a movie showing up on my TV screen.
So it was all due to an unplugged appliance. This is basically the same plot as the MST3K short Young Man's Fancy...
...so the Pastor should just consider himself lucky that he was finally able to sit down and watch The Omega Code, and didn't wind up married to a lipless loser named Alexander Phipps.