A Belated Happy Birthday to MaryC From Bill S.

March 26th marked the natal anniversary of MaryC, but I was, alas, too busy to get her a suitable present in time for the occasion. But no fear, as on Saturday afternoon, I received the latest catalogue from Carol Wright Gifts, which I keep getting in the mail despite the fact that I have never, ever ordered anything from it. But there's a first time for eveything, isn't there. There must be something here that'd be a nifty gift for Mary. Let's peruse it, shall we?

"Robostir. Automatically stirs as you cook! Only $9.99
Cooking just got easier with RoboStir(TM), the revolutionary cordless tool that stirs gravies, soups and sauces for you! Simply place RoboStir(TM) in your pan, select one of the three speeds, and let it go."

Hmm. I don't know if I like the idea of a Robot spoon. What if it turns against Mary, like some cookware version of HAL and refuses to let her have any soup?

"iRENW Bracelet. Balance your Body-Balance Your Life Only $19.99
iRenew (R) bracelet may help restore balance, regain strength and renew energy. Simply put it on and feel the difference...This product is not a medical device."

Then the doctor who told me, "Take two bracelets and call me in the mourning" was a quack? Uh-oh.

"ZAP AWAY CELLULITE GEL Slim down ugly bulges! $9.99
Tighten ugly, flabby, dimpled areas on your body! This gel displaces unwanted fat for a slimmer you. Just apply twice daily. Contains peppermint oil and camphor."

Aside from the simple fact that I sincerely doubt such a thing would actually work, I'm astonished this is an item in a gift catalog. What better way to let someone know what you think of them than a salve that's supposed to slim down unsightly bulges?

"WATERPROOF RABBIT MASSAGER. $29.99"

I'm confused - is this a massager that's waterproof, for rabbits -- or is it a massager for waterproof rabbits? Then again I'm not sure Mary even has any rabbits, so maybe I should keep looking.

"RIBBED TOWELS CLEAN UP YOUR KITCHEN FAST Only $9.99"

Ribbed for her pleasure.

 "SAVE MONEY WITH DRYER BALLS. Our price $5.99"

Well there's a consumer tip I've never heard before.

"TALKING TOILET PAPER HOLDER. (Only $9.)
Record a funny message. Unlimited recordings and convenient on/off switch."

Because hearing somebody pounding on the door and yelling, "Are you done yet? What are you doing in there?" isn't annoying enough. Pass.

"BACON GENIE- EAT HEALTHY (ONLY $9)
With Bacon Genie(TM), you can cook up to 12 strips of crisp bacon in your microwave with no greasy splatter. Each strip hangs vertically, letting all the fat drip into an easy-clean resevoir."

And nothing says "Healthy eating" like eating 12 strips of microwave-cooked bacon.

"MOTION SENSOR OWL. now only $7.99.
Would you give a hoot if you saw glowing eyes peering out at you in the darkness? This motion sensor owl does! A built-in motion detector causes it to "hoot' whenever it senses movement."

Ooh, so it's ugly, creepy and annoying!

"REMOVABLE INSTANT EYEBROWS. Only $9.99
Replace lost or thinning eyebrows with these instant brows. Simply press the color transfer on with a wet cloth and enjoy natural ooking brows."

You can get "Arched" or "Round". Why not get both sets and mix & match?

"BLUE WALTZ PERFUME. Why pay $26.00. Our price $5.99
This hard-to-find favorite is back! Subtly sweet and spicy! This popular scent from the 1950's brings back many pleasant memories."

Yes -- of your grandmother. Or worse, your husband's.

"SQUIRREL CHASERS-Set of 3. Competitor's price $7.99 Our price $6.99.
Now you can keep squirrels away from your garden, bird feeders, plants and house by placing or hanging a squirrel chaser pouch in the area you want to protect. The pouch has a scent that squirrels won't go near"

What's it smell like, Blue Waltz? Or maybe dead squirrels.

Hmmm...I'm still having a dickens of a time picking something out. Perhaps I'll let Mary decide for herself. In any case I wish her a belated Happy Birthday!

-Bill S

This is for Suzeboo (And yes, it's for me, too)

Nathan Fillion in "Firefly". Best. TV Show. EVER!

Happy Birthday, Mary C!

Child Wrangler, Cat Whisperer, Top Chef, and lover of fine Beefcake, Mary C is celebrating her natal anniversary in high style today!  It started with an old fashioned birthday breakfast (scotch and cigarettes); later, her dad gave her five dollars, she had sex with a greasy mobster, then turned around and promptly two-timed him with the irresistibly fresh-faced winner of the high school essay contest, and got a free pair of shoes!

And tonight, we're gonna break that fiver and paint the town!

What the hell is that in your hair -- axel grease?  Bacon fat?  Is your scalp getting ready to swim the English Channel?

 So while she's still sober enough to appreciate it, please join me in wishing Mary a very happy birthday.

(Okay, okay!  And here's a shot of Nathan Fillion sporting a pair of Lt. Dangle shorts, in lieu of Ann Coulter)

[Photo courtesy of Poinçon Mon Sac™Sportswear]

Tappity - Tap - Tap

Just a quick update, in case anybody is still out there.  My deadline is Monday, and assuming I meet it, a state resembling normal blogging should resume by the middle of the week (unless Sheri or Mary are inspired to post something in the meantime).  (Also, I want to apologize for the photo, as I realize this breaks with our long-standing, deadline-related tradition of naked flappers posing with vintage typewriters, but while Eddie Haskell here was willing to work nude, the sock-garters kind of ruined it for me.)

Speaking of paradoxes, I caught Riley using Moondoggie's ass for a pillow, and managed to snap a picture before she wished me into the cornfield.  Please feel free to supply your own caption to either image.

And thanks again for your patience.

Holiday in Cambodia

I'd like to apologize for taking such an extended break from the blog -- and to thank Mary for stepping in to supply some much needed beefcake and camelid porn -- but as I mentioned the other day, I've gotten a short-lived but intense paying gig, and it's sucking up all my time and energy.  With any luck, I should be wrapping up the more labor-intensive phase of it in the next week or so, but in the meantime...how about a caption contest?

This is what I imagine you'd get if Pastor Swank finally just gave up on the written word and opted instead to express his ideas through the eloquent language of modern dance.

(via Retrogasm)

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The Peeping Tomcats Edition

Riley:  I just don't get the appeal of voyeurism.  I mean, I look in the neighbor's apartment, and all I see is the same crappy IKEA furniture we have.  The same books piled on the coffee table.  The same cat toys scattered around the -- Hey, wait a second -- !

A Walk with Love and Death (But Mostly Death)

Smooth, stylish, and only occasionally crazy-looking actor Michael Gough has left this world for a better one -- in other words, a world which does not contain Joel Schumacher movies.

Gough, who in his movie roles supplied the Grim Reaper with a great deal of wholesale business, was himself a reluctant customer, succumbing at the age of 94.  His work stretched from Ealing's The Man in the White Suit and Olivier's Richard III to Burton's Corpse Bride and Alice in Wonderland, with stops along the way at Horrors of the Black Museum, Black Zoo, Dr. Terror's House of Horrors, Trog, Horror Hospital, The Legend of Hell House, and Top Secret!

And even though we featured Mr. Gough twice in Better Living Through Bad Movies (1961's Konga, and 1997's Batman & Robin), there were no hard feelings on our part, and we remained happy to see him whenever he popped up in a film.  So good night, Mr. Gough; and flights of mutated chimps sing thee to thy rest.

Because It's BillS's Birthday and Because there can NEVER be enough Nathan Fillion...

Here is Nathan Fillion taking his shirt off:

You're welcome. And Happy Birthday.

Happy Birthday, Bill S!

I apologize for being a bit late with this, but last month I was hired onto a project to do an insane amount of work in an impossible span of time, and the blog, as you've probably noticed, has suffered.  It will probably continue to suffer for the next two weeks as I try to make my ridiculous deadline, so please bear with us.  There may be more llamas.

In happier (or at least, less self-pitying) news, today is the natal anniversary of Longtime Wo'C Companion Bill S. (who, according to our sacred and inviolate birthday traditions, is legally entitled to be referred to as Bill S! for the remainder of the day.  Please update your punctuation).

As a veteran reader, distinguished commenter, and valued Guest Blogger, Bill S! certainly has the whip-hand when it comes to making birthday photo requests.  Unfortunately, he didn't want the customary Ann Coulter pic, and this violates the covenant laid down by s.z., who loves you all and has a wonderful plan for your blog.

Fortunately, Bill called ahead and did give us several hunka hunka hunks of burnin' love to choose from as birthday fodder, and this year I've opted to go for Glee's Darren Criss, since I'm a fan of his music for A Very Potter Musical and A Very Potter Sequel.

I believe this might also be The Minx's Special Day, as I have a vague recollection that she once mentioned sharing a birthday with Bill, so please consider this Horoscope as applying equally (which is to say, not at all) to you both.  (And Minx, if this is your b'day, please let me know, and I'll try to add a more appropriate picture.)

You possess much personal magnetism and inner strength. Often you are drawn to the more challenging of any chosen paths, and you have a strong sense of responsibility. Success comes to you through hard work.

You should have chosen the less challenging path of right wing pundit, where success comes through retyping RNC blastfaxes and calling people "goat-f*ckers."

Your inner needs tend to be mirrored by external events...

For instance, you may experience hunger pangs after seeing a commercial for Arby's new Angus Three Cheese and Bacon sandwich.

...and vice versa

So external events tend to mirror your inner needs, which I guess makes you the Lathe of Heaven.

So happy birthday!  And please don't destroy us all with the power of your mind.  (I mean, I don't want to totally squelch your reality-altering powers, so I suppose it'd be okay if you, say, destroyed that piñata with the power of your mind; then we could all have candy.)

I Am Going To MURDER You!

More Paul F. Tompkins HIGHlarious-ness

Comedy Central Presents	Friday 10pm / 9c
Paul F. Tompkins: Terrifying Dogs
www.comedycentral.com
Jokes The Comedy Awards The Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump

Daylight Saving Time. It's Not That Big A Deal

Paul F. Tompkins says it better than I ever could:

Jokes.com
Paul F. Tompkins - Daylight Saving Time
comedians.comedycentral.com
Jokes Joke of the Day Funny Jokes

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The "Suddenly I Miss My Gonads" Edition

"Mrs. Riley, you're trying to seduce me..."

MaryC Reacts To A Bad Castle FanFic

I'm gonna admit it right here.  I'm a fan of ABCs "Castle". Not only does it have the awesome handsomeness of Nathan Fillion, but it's also light, frothy, silly, murderous fun.

That being said, you know what I'm not a fan of?  Bad writing.  Even a bigger non-fan of?  Bad "Castle" FanFic writing.  It hurts me.  Physically.  So I need to hurt it back.

(Click here to see the last FanFic that ticked me off.  You may remember it for giving birth to the immortal phrase, "casually screaming.")

So. Please indulge me as I "React to a Bad Castle FanFic":

Indented parts are the fanfic. Bold are my snarky comments

A Special Gift
Author: AriesOx17
Summary: Kate recevies a surprise that could change her life.

You know you're in for a bad one when the bizarre spelling mistakes show up in the summary.

Detective Kate Beckett has had a long day.

After closing a recent case (which was supposed to be quick solve but was dragged out when the murder decided to throw them off track)

Oh, those wacky sentient crimes!  You can never tell what they're gonna do, next! Confess or throw you off track so they don't get caught!  They're scamps!

and filling out paperwork, Captain Montgomery sent her, Ryan and Esposito home for the weekend at 5pm (while having Karpowski on call) to get some much needed rest.

Right as she got off the elevator of her new apartment (which Castle had helped her find when the old had been blown up by a serial killer) with Italian takeout she noticed something from the corner of her eye.

An eyelash.

As she got closer she saw what it was, baby carriage and a diaper bag set in front of her door.

Oh no this cannot be happening.

Kate was one those who was "one and done" and before having kids.

Excuse me? "one those"? Hey! Articles are your friends! Try one, today!

As she was slowing down as she got closer to her door, she was nervous and she had every right to be; what if it was a trap?

Diabolical! Someone is trying to pawn off diaper changing duty on her! The fiends!

However, all her thoughts went into disarray when she heard a whimper coming from the baby carriage. She thought would it hurt to investigate?

I was about to pick on the missing comma and quotation marks, but since her thoughts went into disarray, I'm guessing that's what happened to those, too.

All her defenses crumbled when she flipped one the cover

You know who else are your friends? Beta readers! Flip "one the cover" and find a reader, today!

and saw an adorable baby girl who looked no older than a couple of days swaddled in pink;

They're so cute at that age.  It's when they're a couple of years swaddled in pink that they become a handful.

by now the baby was beginning to cry.

Because someone was reading this fanfic out loud to her.

"Oh you more little one you must be cold, let's get you inside and warmed up and we'll figure it out from there."

Good idea, less big one!

Once she made sure the coast was clear and that it was safe enough not to be a trap then she took the carriage and diaper bag in.

Safe enough to not be a trap, but she's definitely still in danger of having to change a poopy diaper.

Good thing was that she always seemed to have a fleece blanket on the couch.

Yeah, funny how that works out. Weird thing is, she doesn't even OWN a fleece blanket!

She put the carriage and bag down and before long was cradling the baby and the crying stopped.

The baby, however, continued to cry because it was freezing to death! Where's that fleece blanket, woman?!

When Kate saw a smile on the baby's face her heart melt even more.

It WAS a trap! Quick! Put the baby down! It has the demonic power to cook you from the inside out!

Whoa there Katie, you don't want to get too attached you're going to need to find the parents and contact Child Social Services.

Wait. Who's talking? God? A narrator? Oh! Is this one of those filmstrips they used to show in school on rainy days?

Another realization hit; she was going to need baby supplies and she knew just the two to help out.

Smart & Final.

Dr. Judith Reisman, Professor of Molecular Pornology

You may remember Dr. Judith Reisman, discoverer of the "eroto-toxin," the poisonous brain chemical created by French postcards and nudist camp magazines:  “Pornography triggers a myriad of endogenous, internal, natural drugs that mimic the ‘high’ from a street drug. Addiction to pornography is addiction to what I dub erototoxins – mind altering drugs produced by the viewer’s own brain”  Dr. Reisman achieved her breakthrough despite a scandalous lack of support from the medical community, which was probably just jealous of her Ph.D in communications.

Close your legs, Dearie, or I'll get a trowel and Spackle over that hole myself.

In addition to inventing neurotransmitters and playing one of the Baldwin Sisters on The Waltons, Dr. Reisman is also an accomplished statistician:

[H]omosexual "recruitment is loud; it is clear; it is everywhere." She estimated the homosexual population at the time to be 1-2% but predicted at least 20% (and possibly over 30%) "of the young population will be moving into homosexual activity" as a result of recruitment.

That's a hell of an ROI, homos -- and in a slow economy, too!  Nice job.  But it's not queer pyramid schemes that presently concern the Doctor.  Nope, this week it's good old fashioned slut shaming.

Prosecute 'Planned Promescuity'! 

Will the U.S. Senate finally do right and defund the Planned Promiscuity sect commonly known as "Planned Parenthood"? After defunding, let us finally see prosecution of this allegedly "scientific" sex cult – a cult that credentials itself.

Where does this cult get off doing mad science and tampering in God's domain, without first obtaining an advanced degree in Speech and Drama?

For decades, Planned Parenthood leaders made millions by killing unborn babies, even doing so to cover up the rape of children. Now gutsy young pro-lifers have proven PP commonly aids in child sex trafficking.

You'd think the Justice Department would have raided the joint by now.  But law enforcement in this country is corrupt, as witnessed by the fact that Sheriff Bridges never arrested the Baldwin Sisters for distilling their "recipe."

My new book, "Sexual Sabotage," addresses this issue in detail, but below I'll just note how Planned Parenthood has suborned child prostitution since 1974.

What does that mean?  Well, I'm sorry, but you'll have to read Judith's book to find out.  Stopping a 37-year old child prostitution ring is important, sure, but a lady's gotta cover her nut.

Right now, note that the Planned Parenthood website commends Al Kinsey as its human sexuality expert while hiding his team's documented history of brutal child sex atrocities.

Judith over-promises a teensy bit here, as the link just goes to a page of basic information on sexual orientation, which includes an explanation of the Kinsey Scale ("Alfred Kinsey developed the Kinsey scale as a way of describing a person’s sexual orientation").  Or maybe she feels that "brutal child sex atrocities" include "admitting that homosexuality exists."

And anyway, what does Kinsey have to do with funding Planned Parenthood for Fiscal 2011?  Well...nothing, really, but Kinsey's corpse has had a long, intimate, and involuntary relationship with Dr. Reisman:

Allegations against Alfred Kinsey and his research on children's sexual responses, as reported in Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, were first made in 1981 by Dr. Judith Reisman. She subsequently enlarged on these ideas in a book written jointly with Edward Eichel and published in 1990 (Kinsey, Sex, and Fraud). When The Kinsey Institute responded, Reisman filed suit in 1991 against The Kinsey Institute, then director June Reinisch, and Indiana University, alleging defamation of character and slander. In September 1993, Reisman's lawyer withdrew from the case, and in June 1994 the court dismissed Reisman's case with prejudice (which means that Reisman is prohibited from refiling the suit).

Oh, I'm sorry -- Dr. Reisman does point out the connection between Planned Parenthood and Dr. Kinsey:

These are the lies that opened our schoolrooms to Planned Parenthood sex-ed "teachers." Kinsey's unquestioned "data" were gleaned from children he and his team violated around the clock for the screams Kinsey called "orgasms." His youngest victim here is 5 months old.

You see above Kinsey's written confessions as a sexual psychopath, a sado-masochistic pedophile, a bi/homosexual pornography addict. Yet Kinsey's Planned Parenthood and similar sheep have crafted and directed sex education and the human sexuality curriculum for much of the Western world for over six decades.

So I hope you trollops think about those round-the-clock infant orgasms the next time you're getting your mani-pedi-pap smears, or whatever sinful decadence you indulge in when you treat yourself to a trip to Planned Parenthood.

Still, Planned Parenthood quotes all of Kinsey's research as viable "data" taught to teachers, students, judges, mental-health professionals and lawmakers worldwide. Kinsey's Planned Parenthood cultists were charged with carrying out illegal, late-term abortions by Kansas Attorney General Phill Kline, many to hide the rapes of minor girls. For trying to protect children, Kline was charged with violating the Kansas Rules of Professional Conduct.

Well, he certainly sounds trustworthy, as charges of professional ethics violations always inspire confidence.  Still, they're just charges, and I'm not going to cosign that car loan for him unless he proves to me that he's reliable enough to get disbarred.

Kline's lawyers might prove Planned Parenthood's "scientific" lies by screening its guru's Table 34 before the Kansas Supremes, then quoting Planned Parenthood's current "Sexual Orientation at a Glance."

I certainly hope Kline's attorneys employ this strategy of impeaching Planned Parenthood by mentioning they mention homosexuality.  Because their client hasn't exactly been a bumper crop of help so far:

In 2010 the Kansas Supreme Court Disciplinary Administrator brought formal professional ethics charges against Kline before the Kansas Supreme Court based on perjury, an illegal file transfer, misleading legal guidance that Kline had provided to the Grand Jury in the Johnson County clinic case...Kline's ethics trial began on February 21, 2011. In his testimony, Kline claimed that he had the right to deceive state agencies to gain information in abortion investigations and that he had no duty to promptly notify a trial judge that he had provided flawed information.

But Planned Parenthood's greatest crime of all, is that by existing, they've forced the religious right to spend time and money persecuting them.

Planned Parenthood's criminally deviant sexuality programs have drained the time, talent and treasure of conservative religious organizations for decades.

This is a similar to the burden born by members of the KKK, back in the Klan's heydey.  Most night riders would probably have preferred to relax at home, but the presence of uppity Negroes on Earth obliged them to gallop around in a homespun burnoose made from the wife's best sheets, and risking a rash from constant exposure to a combination of sweat, laundry starch, and Florida Water eau de cologne.

Planned Parenthood quotes "expert" Alfred Kinsey to prove all forms of "sexual orientation" are "perfectly normal," while "homophobia" causes suicide and violent crimes, etc.

And wife-beating can produce fatigue, muscle soreness, and rotator cuff tears in middle aged men, but you rarely hear the wives apologize for causing these injuries, even when they haven't had their jaws broken.

Standing on Kinsey's "work," Planned Parenthood claims "Coming Out" is legitimate, and sexual orientation is naturally fluid, while dodging the role played by sexual abuse, fatherlessness and/or its own deceitful propaganda in precipitating bi/homosexuality.

Given that our economy, if not our entire society, is based on deceitful propaganda, it's amazing that there's a single straight guy left in this country (and explains why Charlie Sheen has to pull double shifts, taking on an extra goddess just because one of you gullible Gus's swallowed the PP phallophile propaganda!

So, I say, lets get into the courtroom with evidence of Planned Parenthood's history of defrauding the state via decades of crimes against children. 

And get another case dismissed with prejudice!

And, let the games begin!

 I'm still not entirely clear on the process by which family planning brochures turn dudes into sword-swallowers and chicks into clam-diggers, but then I never studied the life sciences.  Neither did Dr. Reisman, but at least she's got an advanced degree from the inHumanities.

Come on. Admit it!

...don't we all need a llama at some point in our lives?

UPDATE: Yes! Bogie and Anonymous did what I hoped someone would do, and that is-refer back to the infamous Monty Python sketch.  And now, for something completely different (yet expected):