Day of the Rope (A Dope)

Legal gadfly Larry Klayman is back, guys! As you may recall, Larry founded Judicial Watch in the 1990s to bring down the Clintons, but it didn't work out that well, and he wound up suing his own organization. He also sued his own mother and blamed the Clintons for telling people about it, then he ran for the United States Senate in Florida, but was either too crazy or not crazy enough to get past the primary. In Florida.

Later, he formed a successor group to Judicial Watch -- I can't remember the name; Watch on the Rhine, or something like that -- but gradually sank like Artax into the Swamp of Sadness that is World Net Daily.

But now that Hillary Clinton is the Democratic nominee for President, he senses a chance to piggyback his way to renewed relevance, so he's begun folding her into the Obama-led race war Larry's been whipping up in his head.

Hillary and race baiters will be held to account

Hillary Rodham Clinton last week during the Republican National Convention equated her opponent and presidential GOP candidate Donald Trump with the Wizard of Oz, suggesting that he is not what he appears to be and hides behind a curtain of deception. 

For the "Bonnie of the Bonnie and Clyde" criminal duo, which includes her hubby, Bill, otherwise known as "Slick Willy," the analogy was ironic. Given her never-ending spate of scandals, and the fact that the private email caper is not over, it's clear that sooner or later Dorothy's house in Kansas is about to fall on the Wicked Witch of the Left.

Hm. Considering this year marks the 23rd anniversary of the "Arkansas Project", in which billionaire Richard Mellon Scaife and serial-abuser-of-consecutive-consonants R. Emmett Tyrell, Jr. promised to put a political end to the Clintons once and for all, I admire Larry's patience, because Dorothy's house has gotten some amazing hang-time. Way better than Damocles' sword. Maybe it got tangled up in the telephone lines like a pair of drug dealer's sneakers, or possibly it caught on some branches. I advise Larry to violently shake trees at random until something falls out. Start with coconut palms.

Despite my skepticism of the legal and judicial systems – 

Well I don't blame you you for your low opinion; it's pretty obvious they'll let just anybody be a lawyer these days.

-- given all I have experienced and fought for over the years in the trenches of Washington, D.C.

Ah, that's why, despite chasing the Clintons for twenty years with a Javert-like persistence, he's never caught them. It's not that Larry's lawsuits are written like Mad Libs and proceed from bullshit premises, it's that he's slowed down by trenchfoot.

and around the nation, which I chronicled in my autobiography, "Whores: Why and How I Came to Fight the Establishment,"

That's a snappy name for your memoirs, Larry. One suggestion, though: lose the subtitle. Just the one word seems to sum up your C.V.

and in my 300-plus columns over the years at WND

"...or that one column I wrote 300-plus times."

I continue to believe in justice and, more importantly, "divine justice."

Well, then I guess you can retire.

"Thanks, Larry! I'll take it from here..."

Plain and simple, the rank criminality and corruption of the Wicked Witch of the Left will catch up to her, and I am not just talking about the possibility that she may never be president of the United States.

Okay, I want to withdraw that comparison to Javert, because I don't believe he and Larry are actually in the same league, persecution-wise. Say what you like about Jean Valjean, he did steal that loaf of bread.

The stench surrounding her has reached historic proportions.

He who smelt it dealt it, Larry.

The history of her misdeeds, all of which have the establishments of both major political parties and compromised law enforcement authorities have attempted to cover up, is at the level of an unserviced and overflowing septic tank in your backyard.

Well, if Hillary can get Democrats, and Republicans, and the FBI and the courts to cover up her crimes, then she's clearly a uniter who can bring this fractured country together. However, if she wasn't trying so hard to outdo Taylor Swift with the size of her squad, maybe the septic tank wouldn't be overflowing.

The putrid order of the past of the Wicked Witch and her husband – a president who at a minimum engaged in oral sex with a young White House intern while it was the nation that was getting screwed with illegalities, ranging from Whitewater, to Chinagate, to Filegate, to Travelgate, to IRSatre, to name just a few of their more than 40 scandals – is now a documented pattern of corruption and criminality.

Uh-huh. Based on exhaustive, overlapping, interminable, and expensive investigations, none of the above were actual scandals, let alone illegal. Okay, I admit, "IRSatre" is new to me, but I assume that's a misspelling of "IRSartre", which refers to the scandalous prank in which loyal, taxpaying Americans would show up at the Internal Revenue Service for an audit and find themselves trapped by "No Exit" signs in the elevator lobby.

Anyway, Leisure Suit Lawsuit Larry goes on for another couple paragraphs. They're too long to excerpt in full, so I'll just give you the highlights: "henchmen", "squirrels", "not the Wizard of Oz but the Wicked Witch of the Left herself", "communists like Saul Alinsky", "leftist bastion of cancerous fools", "rabid feminist", and "'women's vote'", and finally, "an ardent supporter of Black Lives Matter and its co-conspirators who are successfully igniting a race war."

You remember the "race war" Larry mentioned last week, right? Me neither, but this column reminded me that I really oughta buckle down and decide what I'm going to plant in my Victory Garden. I've narrowed it down to white corn or black-eyed peas.

These black, racist supporters of the Wicked Witch, to put in mildly

I'd love to see what you consider fighting words.

include but are not limited to the racist-in-chief himself, Barack Hussein Obama, who regrettably is currently our president.

Not that Larry hasn't tried to change that. Unfortunately, he's not as good at his job as the Republicans employed to cover up Hillary's many murders and, apparently, poop in her septic tank.

 The others are the certified black Muslim Jew, Christian, white hater and leader of the Nation of Islam, Louis Farrakhan, the degenerate "Rev." Al Sharpton, the race-baiting former Attorney General Eric Holder and the founders of Black Lives Matter. 

I wonder who certifies these people? I hope it's not the folks who "certify" pre-owned Toyotas, because they do an indifferent job at best. If we're lucky it's the same guy who ensures that Hebrew National Bun Length Beef Franks are made under strict rabbinical supervision, because that dude knows his stuff.

This week, all were served by same-day process servers with their pre-Christmas gift (of course, Farrakhan and Obama and many of their comrades celebrate Ramadan), a class-action complaint I filed as lead plaintiff in the U.S. District Court for the Northern District of Texas, where the Dallas police massacre recently was perpetrated.

Little trivia: Same-day process servers deliver complaints produced through One Hour Martinizing.

The class-action complaint, which alleges that these defendants incited, provoked and/or engaged in the violence that has resulted in many police and law enforcement killings, can be viewed at FreedomWatchUSA.org. 

You might as well go look at it. It's not like any of the intended recipients are ever going to see it.

It is at best amusing that Sharpton, the charlatan that he is, actually ran from the process server. 

Because charlatans have a well-known bias against cardio-vascular conditioning.

As I stated in this Daily Caller article, it is also ironic at best that big mouth and MSNBC commentator Sharpton, the Muslim King Obama's right-hand man when it comes to race-baiting and hating, someone who has a "seasons pass" to the White House, did not have the courage to willingly accept the complaint. 

Yeah! That's like when some bitch at a bar cold-shoulders your offer of free herpes.

Apparently, a court of law is not where the so-called Rev. Al feels at home. 

Well, I don't really blame him. The judge usually hogs the Tivo remote, and the bailiff drank all my Tahitian Treat.

Home for this sleaze ball is a good riot pitting blacks against whites and any others he can use as a foil to jingle the change for his racist organization and himself. He is a coward, plain and simple.

I don't know what Sharpton is so scared of. It's not like words such as "sleaze ball" or "riot" or "racist" or "coward" are in the complaint itself. Those words usually appear only in Larry's annual Christmas card.

But along with the Wicked Witch herself, which I continue to pursue in court concerning her private email server and related history of racketeering scandals, Obama, Sharpton, Farrakhan, Holder and Black Lives Matter will now be called before the bar of justice. 

Since there's zero chance any of these people, let alone the President, will ever be dragged into a court on Larry's say-so, I can only assume that Rocky Horror Picture Show star Victoria Justice has opened a saloon.

Let them appear in front of a federal judge in Dallas

Hell, let them appear in the TV show Dallas; that's actually more likely to happen. And why is Larry filing this lawsuit in Texas when he lives in Florida? That smacks of a shyster stacking the deck in defense of a feeble case, and it can't be that.

Anyway, let's fill a syringe with penicillin while the rest of Larry's periodic verbal discharge dribbles off his lips:

just as they appear in front of their racist supporters who are now in the process of irreparably dividing the races and wreaking death and destruction to not just law enforcement authorities, but others as well, including their own creed in the inner cities.

Just imagine listening to that closing statement from the jury box. It's like the rhetorical equivalent of what you'd get if George Wallace and William Jennings Bryan conceived a lovechild during a Perry Mason rerun.

Give Impeachment a Chance

Eternal optimist Larry Klayman is back in court, and this time he's suing President Obama for starting a race war without him. Now, filing a lawsuit demanding Obama's impeachment -- especially with a  mere six months remaining in the president's term -- may seem quixotic, but Klayman is determined to see justice done. He is the Javert to the president's Jean Valjean, the Lt. Gerard to his Dr. Richard Kimball, the Elmer Fudd to Obama's Bugs Bunny.

We can't wait 6 months to oust Obama from office 

The United States, Europe and the rest of the world is in violent upheaval. 

This sounds like either a panicky overreaction to current events, or the opening crawl to Red Dawn. Either way, I'm gonna heat up the Orville Redenbacher.

At home, fraudulently elected illegitimate President Barack Hussein Obama, along with his black-Muslim friends like so-called Rev. Louis Farrakhan, leader of the Nation of Islam, and Black Lives Matter allies, have finally succeeded in igniting a race war.

Is it the "Day of the Rope" already? Crap, I haven't even started my shopping -- I really need to get one of those advent calendars.

Weird, though, that I haven't really noticed a race war. Maybe it's just that I live in a liberal enclave, but whenever I walk outside I see people of all races, creeds, and colors squatting on Hollywood Boulevard to take a snapshot of Loretta Swit's star. Or maybe the constant succession of mass shootings has simply raised my threshold for mayhem, the way freshman year of college raises your tolerance for Pabst Blue Ribbon.

To add insult to very serious injury, President Obama refuses to use his powers as the commander in chief to destroy ISIS and other Muslim terrorists in a decisive way. The reason is obvious, and it's time for people to just start saying it: The "Muslim King" does not want to go hard against his Islamic brothers and frankly, in my view, sympathizes with their quest to have Allah reign supreme to further a worldwide caliphate. 

I'm no lawyer like Larry, but if I were King Salman of Saudi Arabia, I'd sue Obama for infringing on my "Muslim King" brand. Salman probably wouldn't even need to take him to court -- just look at Disney, or Viacom -- all he'd have to do is accuse him of a copyright violation and I bet YouTube would immediately take down all the President's videos.

Meanwhile, given how ISIS is losing territory, manpower, and market share, they can be excused for thinking "with friends like Obama, who needs enemies?" In fact, I sometimes wonder if Obama is actually less like a Muslim King and more like the Lindsay Lohan character in Mean Girls -- only pretending to further a worldwide caliphate, while secretly slipping it fattening snacks and gossiping to his gay friends about its Burn Book.

To add insult to injury, Obama has, through unconstitutional executive orders, opened the floodgates to millions of illegal immigrants who in many states like California can even obtain driver's licenses, allowing them to register to vote.

Yes, but if you look at the number of Americans who turn out to vote, especially in off-year elections, it's clear that ballot-casting is just one of those jobs that Americans don't want to do, so cheap foreign labor is the only solution. I'm not saying it's a perfect system -- there's certainly room for reform -- but if we want someone to vote for Comptroller, State Insurance Commissioner, and Highway Bond B, that means loading up your Ford Ranger with day laborers from the Home Depot parking lot and taking them out to the County Rec Center Multipurpose Room.

Thus, the Muslim King has subverted the electoral process in favor of his creed as the overwhelming majority of illegals will vote Democrat, that is, for the Wicked Witch of the Left, Hillary Clinton, in November's presidential election.

I'm pretty sure this sentence is what you'd get if L. Frank Baum got hit in the head by a flying spittoon during a tornado and woke up thinking he was Omar Khayyam. Which is fine with me; I wouldn't mind reading The Wonderful Vizier of Oz.

And, they will also vote for leftist Democrats and others for Congress. This will further the will of the Muslim King after his term ends – assuming he does not declare a state of emergency over the crises he has created and attempt to remain in power.

Sadly, this is how the two-party system works. No matter how superior your product is, there are always going to be people who vote for Brand X, even though yours has been conclusively proven to produce whiter whites.

The last seven and one half years have also seen a never-ending spate of scandals in and around the Obama administration, ranging from Fast and Furious-gate, to IRS-gate, to Benghazi-gate, and now the cover-up of the crimes committed by presidential candidate Hillary Clinton over her private email server.

Wow. Seven years, one public crime spree after another, and you still can't catch her. I guess Hillary is to you as Osama bin Laden was to George W. Bush. Or maybe this is just the downside of pitching your wares at a largely geriatric audience; before you can explain to Grandma and Uncle Bob why Clinton's email server constitutes a crime, you first have to explain what email is. And by the time you're done with that, they're ready for a nap, or Jeopardy! is on.

 In this regard, it has been disclosed that Obama himself received highly classified emails from the Wicked Witch of the Left on her unprotected private email server, which was then easily hacked by the nation's enemies, Russia and China in particular. Obama is thus complicit in this breach of American national security

Wait, so just receiving an email now makes you responsible for its contents? Crap! I just looked at my spam folder, and I guess I owe you guys an apology for my promotional claims about penis enlargement pills -- turns out they don't turn a trouser snake into a pants python.

notwithstanding the other traitorous acts he has committed – including but not limited to the sham nuclear treaty with the Islamic Republic of Iran, which existentially endangers with another Holocaust not just Israel but the United States and the rest of the non-Muslim Western world.

Larry's rehearsing a lot of well-worn tropes here, but I did learn one new thing: Muslims are immune to radioactive fallout! Which is both interesting and helpful to know, since if Trump is elected, I now plan to convert.

Clearly, if there ever were a case for impeachment and conviction of a president, the Muslim King has exceeded "all expectations." 

Ah. Apparently we walked in on Larry giving Obama his quarterly employee review. Sounds like it's going pretty well, too.

By Obama's criminally minded standards, President Richard Nixon's Watergate caper was, in the commander in chief's own ironic words, simply a junior varsity effort at corruption.

These may in fact be Obama's most ironic words, since ironically he never said them.

The Hussein Obama is simply the most compromised, corrupt and evil president in American history. 

So give the guy a little credit! He's holding his own against some very impressive competition. Also, from now on I'd like to be known as The Hussein Clevenger.

The Founding Fathers and framers of our Constitution were inspired by God, but they were not God. 

Well, there goes my plan to gain immortality by sacrificing one of the cats to Button Gwinnett. Guess I'll go see what's on TV...

The likes of the Adams, Jefferson and Franklin were not infallible, however great they were. Unfortunately, they did not devise a viable constitutional method to remove from office a corrupt, criminal, traitorous and destructive president like the Muslim King.

I.e., they did not make it easy for litigious gadflies like Larry Klayman to sneak up on the government  whenever the whim struck and tip it over like a sleeping cow.

Indeed, the Muslim King, in my view, is far worse and more dangerous that another king, King George III, who provoked the Declaration of Independence and the first American Revolution in and around 1776.

In Obama's favor, he hasn't provoked a musical as bad as 1776. (Sorry, Broadway nerds. It's got a clever book by Peter Stone, but that Sherman Edwards score is a symphony for chalkboard and migraine.)

[With] the subversion of our ability to have fair presidential and congressional elections given that millions of illegal aliens are capable of fraudulently voting, what would our Founding Fathers do today differently than in 1776?

I'm guessing they'd actually do the same thing they did back then: limit the franchise to property-owning white men, write some grandiloquent paean to freedom and self-determination, then go have non-consensual sex with a slave.

So, I pose this question: 

"Why doesn't anybody love me? Is it that I look too much like Ed Begley, Jr. Is it that I don't look enough like Ed Begley, Jr.? Tell me, I can change! Well...no, actually I can't. I just realized I've been writing this same column since January 20, 2009."

How can the Muslim King be legally removed from office before he does even more irreparable damage in the next six months of his presidency?

Forceps? Stump-puller? I suppose we could ask Congress to intervene, like it suggests in the Constitution, but six months doesn't give them a lot of time to act, since they'll be on vacation for five of them.

I do not think that We the People can just sit back and hope for the best, particularly in light of the heinous terrorist attacks of the last weeks, the latest in Nice, France, and the race war Obama and his friends have caused to explode in Dallas and around the nation. Our lives and the lives of our loved ones are in mortal danger!

Or maybe we're not in mortal danger, you're just in a tizzy. But if you're right, Larry, and I'm reading your analysis correctly, then we're in the middle of a race war, white genocide is imminent, and the only way to save ourselves and our families is by filing a nuisance lawsuit. I'll be honest, The Turner Diaries was a lot zippier.

Anyway, good luck with that. I'd love to help, but my local Race War Draft Board has declared me 4-F, because as a child I was exposed to jazz (it was only smooth jazz, but according to CDC guidelines I'm still not allowed to donate blood).

To Be Young, Gifted, and Black Enough to Annoy Kurt Schlichter

Kurt Schlichter is still bitter about lower primates getting higher educations. The first time the subject came up, he was peeved that Obama wanted to send poor kids to junior college, and insisted that anyone who benefited from such a program should be hazed. Not by Axe-scented Alpha bros with six pack abs, but by middle-aged white men with weak chins, and dewlaps that angrily swell and throb like the throat sac of a Sumatran siamang; so what Kurt is really proposing is the world's worst remake of Animal House.

Long story short: if you want the chance to earn an Associates degree in Business Administration even though you can't afford tuition, then you're going to have to wash Kurt's car. I'm sorry, but that's just the way life works -- apparently somebody slipped an amendment into the G.I. Bill when I wasn't paying attention -- and put a little elbow grease into the rims this time, wouldja?  But as Kurt has recently discovered, there's more to this outrage than just the prospect of underprivileged youths getting sent to a community college instead of a car wash. Now we're faced with the threat of privileged Black kids whose parents are paying for them to go to Harvard! And there's no way Malia Obama is going to cream and buff Kurt's BMW.

Usually, the admission of another rich child of privilege to the selective liberal finishing school known as Harvard is a non-story. But in the case of Malia Obama, it provides yet another example of the cynical elitism of modern liberals.

I think Kurt is confused here, because my elitism is idealistic, and my cynicism is egalitarian. But then, I'm an old fashioned liberal.

FULL STOP: This is where liberal liars will try to distract you from the glaring hypocrisy of the elite by accusing me of attacking the innocent child of Barack Obama. It’s unclear whether this reflexive misdirection is the result of them being too stupid to understand an argument or whether they are simply falling back on their default move, dishonesty, or whether it is some combination of both. I’m better on the latter.

Don't be hard on yourself, Kurt. You may be better on dishonesty, but you're no slouch on stupidity.

Now, Malia may well be fully qualified for Harvard in the way some other young person would need to be – through grades, activities and talents. We don’t know, any more than we know her father’s grades at any of the revered institutions of higher indoctrination he allegedly attended.

Allegedly. Birtherism may have lost steam, but there's still time to sow doubt about whether Obama actually went to school. After all, unless he becomes the first President to publish his college transcripts, how would we ever know for sure? Back in junior high I got a D in algebra once and hid my report card from my dad, and he naturally assumed I'd been skipping school to go undermine neo-colonialism in Africa.

 But what is interesting was the immediate assumption on social media that her admittance was something to congratulate her on, as if there was any doubt that the daughter of a rich, liberal president was going to get into whatever elite college she chose. She’s not a student; she’s a status symbol. Take that, Yale!

This custom humans have of congratulating one another on good news is baffling. Recently, a friend of mine passed his fortieth year, and people where all over Facebook wishing him Happy Birthday as if there was any doubt that a 39-year old man was going to turn 40 if he didn't drop dead.

Anyway, Kurt's not attacking the innocent child of Barack Obama, he's merely reducing her to an emoji.

And take that, West Point! The special snowflakes of the elite don’t join the military. 

Kurt frequently claims to have been in the Army, so I guess I'll have to take his word for it that it's populated primarily by idiots.

No, the elite’s spawn’s glorious presence on our soil is service enough. Tens of thousands of regular Americans will earn their GI Bill carrying rifles in places that will not appear on any rich kid’s itinerary. In contrast, Malia will spend her “gap year” in a festival of self-actualization traveling the world unraveling the mystery that is Malia.

This isn't a political column, it's a high school slam book. What happened, Kurt? Did you ask Malia to the Enchantment Under the Sea dance and get humiliatingly rebuffed in the hallway while the Glee Club looked on and tittered?

Anyway, Obama should start a fresh war, so his daughter will have somewhere to go fight without having to take the Bush Twins sloppy seconds. Okay, they didn't exactly hump M-4s through Anbar Province, but they did follow the example of Red Cell and test the security of the Dallas Chi-Chis, thereby preventing potential terrorists from getting drunk on margaritas with fake I.D.s.

It’s odd that the left is not recoiling to the shameful elitism this latest example demonstrates. It really shows that the Sanders insurgency was less about reforming the system than about the suckers demanding a few more scraps from the elite’s table. All they wanted was to be bought off with subsidized college. They were not interested in overturning the table; they simply wanted a place at it.

ADMISSIONS OFFICER: Ah, a poor Latino. I assume you've come to burn down the university?

STUDENT: No, I'd just like to register for classes...

ADMISSIONS OFFICER: (SIGHS) Fine, fill this out... (MUTTERING) Hypocrite.

What is most shameful is how the elite talks such a great game about education and the plight of inner city minority children, then leaves those same kids to the mercy of incompetent hacks in schools mired in chaos and dysfunction. The elite chooses the unions over the kids every single time because union slugs vote and contribute and little black kids in the inner city don’t.

As the spouse of an inner city school teacher, I hope you won't mind if I just pop in here for one sec Kurt and invite you to go fuck yourself. Because that's the most Libertarian way to have sex.

So congratulations, Malia, on your golden ticket into the elite. Good for you – in the sense that everything liberals like your parents do will be good for you and for people like you. Everyone else, though? Well, we don’t matter.

There’s your first lesson in liberalism. See, just because you take a gap year doesn’t mean you can’t learn something.

This has also been your first lesson in Adult Onset Petulance. Maybe take part of your gap year and help organize a telethon.

Whiniest Living Confederate Widow Tells All

Todd Starnes, Fox News Radio squeeze toy and the most Dick Van Patten looking mofo since the death of Dick Van Patten, is in a snit about the impending dearth of Confederate tchotchkes, and you can kind of understand his concern, since there's only thirty-one shopping days till Treason Season.

The Cultural Cleansing of the Southern States Begins 

A full-fledged cultural cleansing of the Southern states is underway as lawmakers debate whether to remove Confederate flags and rename schools and parks named after Confederate war heroes.

I hope we have enough Old Dutch Culture Cleanser® on hand. Although I bet we actually don't, since we seemed to have culturally cleansed the Old Dutch -- at least I assume that's the reason I can no longer walk down to the windmill-shaped corner bakery for a delicious Van de Kamp's coffee cake.

There are also discussions in Washington, D.C. about removing Confederate-related statues from the U.S. Capitol — including a statue of Jefferson Davis, the former president of the Confederacy.

Okay, why do we even have a statue of an enemy head of state in the U.S. Capitol? The only possible excuse would be if the statue were actually hollow, and if you pressed his waistcoat buttons in the correct order a secret passage would pop open, leading to a hidden chamber full of Confederate gold. (Attention Producers of the National Treasure franchise: call me.)

Republicans, meanwhile, are leading the charge in South Carolina and Mississippi to remove the Confederate flag — called a symbol of hate and racism.

Which is a totally unfair thing for the passive voice to call it. True, white men rallied under that banner and killed other men for the right to own black people, but slavery was so much more than just hate and racism. It was also torture and rape, so let's give Dixie its due.

Has the Department of Homeland Security classified the Sons and Daughters of the Confederacy as right-wing hate groups, yet?

No time like the present!

Meanwhile, there are dozens of reports from around the southeast of lawmakers hoping to rename parks and schools and streets that were originally named in honor of Confederates.

Well maybe we should give some of America's other traitors a chance. Benedict Arnold Elementary School?  Aaron Burr Dog Park?  John Walker, Jr. Junior High?

*Tennessee lawmakers are demanding that a bust of Nathan Bedford Forrest be removed from the statehouse;

Given that Nathan Bedford Forrest was a slave trader, war criminal, and -- as the Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan -- a domestic terrorist, perhaps they could exhume his mouldering corpse and replace the bust with his actual head; that would probably satisfy everyone.  Or better yet, increase Bedford's visibility and finally pay him the honor he's due by sticking his pointy brain case on a pole outside the statehouse. Better late than never.

Actually, I bet the Yalies beat us to it and his head's sitting on a shelf in the Skull and Bones clubhouse between Martin Van Buren and Pancho Villa.

*Baltimore lawmakers want to rename Robert E. Lee Park;

Can't imagine why a majority Black city would be unenthusiastic about honoring a slave-owning traitor who spilled an ocean of blood to keep their ancestors in chains. Maybe they could compromise and just pretend the whole thing was named after a Korean guy.

*Dallas lawmakers are considering demands to rename Stonewall Jackson Elementary School;

Hopefully they'll keep up the tradition, though, and name it after some other officer who was fragged by his own men.

*St. Louis lawmakers are debating over the future of a confederate statue in a city park;

Lawmakers debating. It's like we're watching the death of democracy in real time.

*Commissioners in Hillsborough, North Carolina are debating whether to remove the words “Confederate Memorial” from a Confederate memorial.

It's not their fault. The FDA issued new regulations, and now anything labeled "Confederate Memorial" has to contain a minimum of "10% Real Confederates." And no added sugar.

*The Memphis City Council voted in 2013 to rename three parks – Confederate Park, Jefferson Davis Park and Nathan Bedford Forrest Park.

Forrest again? Surely we could spread the wealth and name the grassy places where we take our children to play after some of our nation's other proto-Nazi massacre mavens?

It won’t be too long before they start renaming cities and towns and counties named after Confederates. And I reckon it’s only a matter of time before they bulldoze the Confederate grave yards and war memorials too.

Actually, we should probably leave the graveyards intact, but build tract homes on top of them, thereby setting up the next sequel in the Poltergeist franchise. This is America, people! Let's not leave money on the table...

Maybe we can just pretend the Civil War never happened.

Or maybe you can finally admit that it did, and you guys lost.

I’m assuming Hollywood will cooperate with the South’s cultural cleansing by eradicating any copies of “Gone with the Wind” and “Forrest Gump.” Forrest was named after the aforementioned Nathan Bedford Forrest.

Okay, you actually make a good point here. I don't want moviegoers to forget, even for a moment, that one of cinema's premier morons was descended from Nathan Bedford Forrest.

I do wonder, though, about those good ole boys from Hazzard County. What are Bo and Luke Duke are going to do with the General Lee?

Apparently use it to promote an app for used car listings.

Maybe they could just paint a rainbow flag on top and call it the General Sherman. 

He culturally cleansed the South, too.

Yep. He gayed that place to a cinder.

Tricksy Obamases!

You may remember D.W. Wilbur, owner of "Secur-Intel-Solutions" (motto: Find the Missing "E" and Get 10% Off Your Next Mall Cop!"). Wilbur (or Dee-Dubya, as our friend grouchomarxist calls him), apparently thinks Obama is after his Precious, and demands to know what the President has got in its pocketses.

D.W. Wilbur in undated file photo.

'Tricky' Barack 

During his presidency and throughout his political career former President Richard Nixon was derisively tagged by the liberal media as “Tricky Dick” for his supposed record of deceit and dishonesty.

You know, I hate to get nitpicky right out of the gate, but if you can't look at Richard Nixon and spot a crook, I doubt whether your mall cops will be any help at all in stemming the rash of napkin thefts at Sbarro.

 It was a nickname deserved or not that stuck with Nixon after his resignation from the presidency and into his forced retirement.

I suppose if we wanted to determine whether Nixon's infamy was deserved or not, we could review the circumstances that caused him to become the first and only president in American history to resign and enter a "forced retirement," but just as correlation does not imply causation, it would be equally wrong to assume that "cause" implies "effect."

Fast forward to the year 2015 and it would seem that the appellation “Tricky” would more appropriately fit the current resident of the White House, Barack Obama. In fact Obama’s record of deceit and dishonesty both precedes his taking up residence at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, and has continued unabated for six years.

My feeling is, if you're going for a "record of deceit and dishonesty" don't go for a "supposed" one like Nixon did, because that kind of wishy washiness is just going to earn you an asterisk in the record book.

Barack Obama’s entire career appears to have been one of deceit, from his denial of his close association with the anti-American ‘Reverend’ Jeremiah Wright to his friendship with domestic terrorist Bill Ayers. Barack Obama was dishonest about these relationships during his first campaign for the presidency and he has continued his many canards up to the present.

I was a little confused about 'Reverend' being in quotes, since Jeremiah Wright was indeed the Senior Pastor of his church for over thirty years, and holds two master's degrees and a doctorate, but then I realized, with all the deceit and dishonesty going on, it's probably like the Mafia, where everyone has a nickname (Barack "Tricky" Obama, Jeremiah "Reverend" Wright, Antonin "Big Tuna" Scalia).  Anyway, D.W. "Dee-Dubya" Wilbur delves into this tribal custom in greater detail in his forthcoming techno-thriller, A Clear and Present Canard.

During his 2008 campaign Barack Obama worked diligently at passing himself off as a moderate-to-just left of center politician, but certainly not the extreme leftist politician that he revealed himself to be once he took office. 

I'm wondering if Dee-Dub was born left-handed and his parents made him use his right, since I understand that can lead to a lifelong inability to tell one from the other.

During his brief conversation with Joe the Plumber he inadvertently let slip his true intentions to “spread the wealth” if elected. But his campaign along with a pliant news media quickly went to work to downplay this exchange.

Well, since the wealth hasn't spread, but continued its steady upward trajectory, maybe it was a misquote. I'm guessing Obama, learning that Joe was a plumber, advised him to "spread the cheeks" in order to produce a more awe-inspiring plumber's crack.  And while we're on the subject, why isn't it Joe "The Plumber"?  That's literally the most mobbed up sounding sobriquet this side of Tommy "The Butcher" Pitera and the guy can't get a couple of lousy scare quotes? Sic transit gloria mundi.

Once taking office Obama was quick to display his true ideology and agenda.

I remember that day. The leftist agenda lasted almost till lunch.

His continuous attacks on those who are successful remains unrestrained.

I can see why Mr. Wilbur is worried. When we first discovered him back in October, the website for Secur-Intel-Solutions, the counter-terrorism fantasy camp where he teaches future Days Inn security guards the Vulcan Nerve Pinch and the G.I. Joe Kung Fu Grip, had seen only 883 visitors. But now, three months later, it boasts a total of 1261! Admittedly, most of those are probably World O' Crap readers and Mr. Wilbur himself, but still, that kind of success is bound to bring on unrestrained attacks from the president.

 And he has forced a social agenda onto the military allowing openly gay individuals to serve, and to open front line combat units to women.

Which allowed Joni Ernst to campaign for Senate claiming to be a "combat veteran," so the joke's on Obama.  If Iowa is smart, they'll elect an openly gay vet as their next Senator and really stick it to the president.

Rushing to claim ‘symbolic parenthood’ to Trayvon Martin, the president also sent White House representatives to attend the funeral of Michael Brown, an eighteen-year-old thug killed after committing a robbery and then attacking a police officer, and inviting the fraud Al Sharpton to be a trusted White House advisor. Obama’s racial politics are obvious.

Unlike Dee-Dubya's racial politics, which are cloudy with a chance of meatheads.

From free ‘ObamaPhones’ and ‘Cash for Clunkers’, to ‘ObamaCare’ and now ‘Free Community College for everyone’, Barack Obama has engaged in a spending binge on an unparalleled level and has waged an ongoing war against “the rich” at every opportunity.

And yet the deficit continues to shrink!  It must have been to exposed to that same mysterious fog that so tragically altered Grant Williams, and if things go on like this, it will one day find itself trapped in the basement of the Treasury building, battling to the death with a common household spider.

Fig 1: 2015 Federal Deficit, seen at right in burlap tunic. Source: Congressional Budget Office.

While his liberalism was obvious for all to see in 2008, no one could foresee just how extreme his liberalism would become apparent once he took office. This he was determined to conceal from the American people.

And yet they re-elected him, even after he took office and revealed his previously hidden "true ideology and agenda," which I guess means the American people are Communists, morons, or we just really like magic tricks.

Barack Obama has indeed concealed many tricks up his sleeve since taking office, and the next two years promise to be a continuation of the same. Tricky indeed.

There's a slim chance that American democracy can survive twenty-four months of non-stop presidential card tricks, but if Obama ever sees that ad in the back of Mystery in Space comics which promises to unlock the ancient secret of ventriloquism...

We're doomed.

Sunday Sermonette: A Hank O' Swank!

First published April 13, 2009. Original comments below the fold.

Mad About The Boy

I see Pastor Swank has deigned to favor us with his Bull Connor impression today.  You may recall that during the late campaign, many of our old friends in the right blogosphere struggled to depict Senator Obama as a Teleprompter-addicted dullard who would comically turn white with fear at the first whiff of an Islamofascist; but they still stopped short of addressing him the way a harried traveler might query a shoeshine provider on the whereabouts of the Chattanooga Choo-choo.  The one exception to this conspiracy of restraint was Pastor Swank, a man who considers it his God-given right to use the English language in any way he sees fit — as a chamois for his golf clubs, say, or a furnace filter, cock ring, or doily — and who fervently believes that “grammar” is just another word for “tyranny.”  So it came as little surprise last fall when he began referring to Obama as “the Boy.”  What did shock me, however, was the speed with which he dropped it in the face of criticism, almost as if he were self-aware, perhaps even evolving toward sentience.   As it turns out — not so much.

Socialist ‘The Boy’ will lay low America, by Grant Swank

Mob hysteria rushed The Boy where he is today.
Liberal media worked alongside mob hysteria.

I find this reassuring.  Even though a majority of Americans are in a mob, and enraged or suicidal enough to rush the President, our hysteria is apparently friendly and cooperative and works well with others.

Now The Boy sits in the White House, surrounded by the crooks he has known during his so-called career mired in Illinois.

Okay, show of hands.  Which is worse — Mired in Illinois, or Stuck in Lodi?

What is so frightening is that the socialist Marxist Muslim B. H. Obama is the brainwashed child of Jeremiah Wright.

Wait, I thought he was the secret love child of Malcom X.  Come on, can’t we stick with that story?  Because then we can dissolve to “Twenty Years Later” and end with a big, score-settling confrontation between a grown Malia Obama and a cyborg Louis Farrakhan, climaxing in a shoot-out with lasers at the Audubon Business and Technology Center.

Though not much is said these days about Wright, he is right there in the Oval Office.

And, one presumes, in the woodpile.

He is implanted in the thought patterns of both Michelle and B. H.

Just like Spock’s katra was implanted in McCoy at the end of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.  So I guess the lesson here is, if you want to grow up to be President of the United States one day, never let your pastor touch your head when he’s dying of radiation poisoning.

They are just beneath the skin anti-white, anti-Jew, pro-Muslim and ready to crush any semblance of a Christian nation.

Fortunately, Swank stumbled into a church where they happen to have boxes of these special X-Ray specs that can see beneath the skin of the First Couple…

N.B.  The pastor is all out of bubblegum, bitchez!

The Boy and wife have no regard whatsoever for the Christian heritage to this country. They play out their church membership in the most liberal denomination in the United States. But behind that act out is their allegiance to the Koran, Allah and Islam World Rule.

Why do you think Michelle Obama is always going around sleeveless in public?  It’s her only chance to flash the guns, since at home she has to wear a burka.

As The Boy has traipsed across the planet recently, he has acted out in body language and spoken word his admiration for Muslims wherever he went.

Not since Lillian Gish in the 1928 classic The Wind have we seen this kind of vivid pantomime.

He bent over backwards to befriend the very coalition out to destroy this Republic.

Having drained our nation of its economic security, The Boy will march forth under Allah’s banner. Those Muslim cells planted in America are waiting for their chance to join The Boy in usurping every office in the nation.

Oh no — Muslim stem cells are going to unite like Voltron to create a giant Lion Force Caliph who will make Barack Obama the Mayor, City Clerk, Animal Control officer and Library Services Administrator of every city in America!

The Boy is Marxist. He is Muslim. He is therefore not what we have always defined in the generic sense as “American.”

Generic humans are a little pastier, and taste more like mayonnaise.

If the hysteriacs had only known who they were pushing into the presidency, they would have never elected The Boy. Even now most of them do not see his destructive agenda. They are still blinded by his charisma.

Quick — We need more magic sunglasses!  And some wrestlers!

That in itself is so frightening for it reminds thinking citizens of every despot who ever bobbed to the political and powerful top.

And do we really want to be ruled by iron-fisted flotsam?

Now the United States is victim to “one of them.”

Oh…so that’s what McCain meant by “That One.”

The Duke Funnel: For All Your Selwyn Duke Needs

In the wake of Larry Pratt's appearance on internet radio show "Selwyn Duke's Music to Love Guns By," I see we're getting quite a few people visiting from Wonkette (thanks for the plug, Actor212), and elsewhere, looking for information on Mr. Duke.  Well, we're always glad to facilitate a little weekend time-wasting, not to mention the sweet satisfaction to be derived from introducing an obscure but deserving wingnut to a wider world.  So here you go...Please enjoy the World O' Crap Selwyn Duke Chrestomathy:

Minorities Are the Disease, Selwyn Duke is the Cure

Selwhine Duke

Set the Metaphor MixMaster on "Julienne!"

Personality: The Cheaper Alternative to Birth Control

Further Follow-up For Fumento! Fun? Feh.

Okay, I can't stand looking at that image of Michael Fumento in a Speedo anymore (and to dash Weird Dave's hope: no, it's not a joke. Not a Photoshop. Not a Hoax or Imaginary Story. It's something he did to himself, and judging by the self-satisfied smirk on his puss, he was damn proud of it!), so I need to push it down the page.

Luckily, we had follow-up piece, occasioned by Mr. Fumento's visit to World O' Crap, and the brief bitching he did about about our coverage back on his own blog.  The post itself is no great shakes, but it's worth it for the comments.

With Special Guest Star, Michael Fumento

Well, that was quick.  After we discussed Michael Fumento’s indictment of Hollywood, as viewed through the prism of the Bruce Willis actioner Live Free Or Die Hard (Although You’d Die Much Harder If You Were Being Killed By An Arab), the author himself took note of our modest effort in a post entitled Anti-Terrorism Equals Racism.  As he was kind enough to also visit our comments, I thought I would post and then address his response here:

Because I say an actor is “Arabic-looking” I’m a racist?

1. The point is that this was part of bending over backwards not to implicate Muslim terrorists.

2. Arabs are Caucasian, like me.

3. The actor in question actually played an Arab in a previous movie, Three Kings.

This accusation represents the combined intelligence of the original blogger and his idiot acolytes. I’ll bet you all split a gut laughing when those Twin Towers fell. 

Hey Michael, it’s lucky you dropped by, because today is “All About Context Day.”  (Although yesterday was “Anything Can Happen Day,” which is fun too.)

Because I say an actor is “Arabic-looking” I’m a racist?

While it’s certainly an odd thing to complain about, it doesn’tnecessarily make you a racist.  Until one considers it in context:

Meanwhile one of the few good guys in the movie, the head of the FBI team that aids our hero John McCain[sic], looks decidedly Arabic.

Since you’re disappointed that the terrorists aren’t Arabs, and irked that one of the heroes is “Arabic-looking,” that does seem to suggest that you prefer your Arabs on the business end of an RPG.

1. The point is that this was part of bending over backwards not to implicate Muslim terrorists.

Just as I wouldn’t necessarily care to read Roger Ebert’s comments on anti-terrorism policy, it appears that a person with your particular interests is equally out of his depth when attempting rudimentary film analysis.

Spoilers ahead.

The Die Hard franchise started off with one gimmick (big action picture confined to a single building) and one reveal (the bad guys are actually thieves pretending to be terrorists to confuse the authorities).  The second film (Die Hard 2:  Die Harder) involved a still-confined, but larger setting (an airport) and mercenaries who conspire to free a Noriega-like drug-running South American strongman (a relatively topical villain for 1990).  The third film (Die Hard With A Vengeance) throws out the limited location gimmick, dragging the hero all over the city of New York, but brings back the phony terrorists — in this case, a villain who unleashes a reign of terror, ostensibly in revenge for John McClane (not McCain, btw) killing his brother in the first film, all of which is designed to distract the police from a gold heist.  In only one of the films (Die Hard 2) do the bad guys have even the slightest political motivation for their crimes, and even there it’s made apparent that most of the soldiers are in it for the money.

The current film is based on a Wired magazine piece about the vulnerability of America to a massive cyber-attack.  The villains could have been Arabs I suppose, but again, terrorism was used as a red herring to conceal the grandest of grand thefts.  And given that you’re irritated by an “Arabic-looking” actor playing a high ranking FBI official, surely you wouldn’t be any happier to see one in charge of Homeland Security.  Besides — and correct me if I’m wrong — you’re looking for wild-eyed kaffiyeh-wearing terrorists setting off bombs and brandishing AK-47s, not tapping away on their laptops.

2. Arabs are Caucasian, like me.

I agree that’s a relevant point, or would be if you’d written, “Meanwhile one of the few good guys in the movie, the head of the FBI team that aids our hero John McCain, looks decidedly Caucasian.”

3. The actor in question actually played an Arab in a previous movie, Three Kings.

He’s also played a Maori, his actual ethnicity, as well as Hispanics, Italians, and a guy named “Mort Whitman.”  But like Rick and Ilsa will always have Paris, it’s clear that whenever you see Cliff Curtis, no matter what character he plays, you’ll always see an Arab.  And while we’re on the subject, Anthony Quinn, who was Mexican, played an Arab in Lawrence of Arabia, then tried passing himself off as a Greek islander in Zorba the Greek, and a Russian in Shoes of the Fisherman!  I don’t know where he got the nerve, but these terrorists are very cunning.

This accusation represents the combined intelligence of the original blogger and his idiot acolytes. I’ll bet you all split a gut laughing when those Twin Towers fell.

I don’t personally go in for acolytes, but if you’re referring to the people who are kind enough to read and comment on this site, they are not only smart, humane, and remarkably well-informed, they’re not afflicted with the same kind of blinkered, obsessive hatred that allows you to use the tragedy of 9/11 as punchline, in a petty disagreement over a movie.

Posted by scott on Monday, July 9th, 2007 at 8:50 pm.

Fumento Flashback!

I'm still cranking away on this script (due, I note with steadily increasing horror, on January 31), so please forgive me for digging into the archives to keep the old joint wheezing along.  On the bright side, this was one of the few Wo'C posts which so sufficiently stirred the target -- conservative writer and banana-hammock hobbyist Michael Fumento -- that he made a cameo appearance in comments, spread his nether cheeks, and plopped out a remark of such effortless sociopathy that it sparked a lengthy thread full of eloquent contempt and surgical blood-letting (which I've included below the fold).

Enjoy!

[Originally published July 9th, 2007]

Nice Actor, But Does He Come in White?

Roy points us to this piece by Michael Fumento, who feels that Hollywood has failed in its responsibility to defend and propound American values, despite getting off to a strong start with films like Birth of a Nation and Race Suicide.

In 1942, Hollywood went to war. It began pumping out countless movies designed to be both entertaining and instructive as to the nature of our enemies. A lot of them were done on the cheap and others were pretty hokey, but they kept drilling home the message that we must persevere no matter the costs or how long it would take. Fast forward that reel to the post-9/11 era. Just how many movies can you count in which Islamist terrorists are the bad guys and that do not specifically concern the Sept. 11 attacks?

In the Second World War, America was united in the belief that we faced an existential threat, and this unanimity was largely due to a motion picture industry that was unafraid to put this powerful medium to use supporting the internment of citizens who were suspected of unAmerican sympathies or epicanthic folds.  If I may quote from the 1943 Columbia Pictures serial, The Batman:

“This was part of a foreign land, transplanted bodily to America and known as Little Tokyo.  Since a wise government rounded up the shifty-eyed Japs, it has become virtually a ghost street, where only one business survives.”

The business in question being the “Japanese Cave of Horror”, a carnival-like Tunnel of Love, except that it’s full of mannequins dressed as Imperial Japanese soldiers who are threatening Margaret Dumont with a bayonet.  The 12-episode serial went out of its way to highlight that America was under siege by an alien race, sprinkling the dialogue with references to “squint-eyes” and noting that one character’s craven actions made him as yellow “as the color of [his] skin.”

Most important of all is that this chapterplay was intended mostly for children, thus providing the kind of moral fiber in their formative years that these kids would later need to kill Asians in Korea and Vietnam.

Meanwhile – and this may be considered a spoiler, so if you haven’t seen the movie look out – the just-released fourth installment of the Die Hard series, Live Free or Die Hard, teaches us that just because there are some bad guys out to destroy America doesn’t mean they have to be bin Laden’s buddies.

In fact, it was the Department of Homeland Security that turns out to have been more or less responsible for the attack in the first place. Meanwhile one of the few good guys in the movie, the head of the FBI team that aids our hero John McCain[sic], looks decidedly Arabic.

This non-traditional casting fad is ruining the delicate suspension of disbelief so necessary to enjoying a summer action movie.  And the sad thing is, there was a time when Hollywood was scrupulous about depicting America’s racial minorities as certain easily-offended regions of the country perceived them to be, without distorting it through some colorblind lens.  Why, just imagine Coal Black and De Sebben Dwarves if they’d succumbed to PC pressure and drawn the characters as white!  It wouldn’t have made any sense at all!

I’m glad there are still a few brave souls who will hold Hollywood to account for implying that an FBI agent is Arabic by casting a New Zealander named Cliff Curtis and calling the character “Bowman.”

One of last year’s most critically-acclaimed films was the severely disjointed Babel in which what is treated as a terrorist shooting of an American woman in Morocco turns out to have been an accident. Heck, it wasn’t even an AK-47 involved but rather a Japanese hunter’s rifle.

While Fumento was clearly let down by the lack of a Kalashnikov-wielding terrorist in an esoteric art film, he should take heart from the fact that Hollywood is still warning Americans (or at least, American tourists in Morocco) about the insidious Japanese.  I mean, it’s been 67 years; that’s some serious drilling home.

Anyway, the writer and director of Babel were both Spanish, which figures, 'cause you know how those Iberian nancyboys rolled bum-up for the Moors.

If I’m mistaken and there have been movies in which Islamists where the bad guys, please let me know.

Because boners don’t just happen.  A fella needs a little help.

In any event, where once Hollywood shored up a resolute but war-weary public (Everyone knew somebody who had been killed or maimed and they thought the war would last well into 1946 or beyond), Hollywood now feels its job is to assure us that with terrorism we have nothing to fear but fear itself. Even while traveling in countries with strong Islamist movements. Never mind that the week the new Die Hard came out there were two aborted terrorist attacks in Great Britain perpetrated by middle class Islamist physicians living as normal Britons – a truly scary scenario that’s right out of a movie like The Manchurian Candidate.

Which prompted these remarks from commenter Marlowe over at Matt Yglesias’ place:

The utter fatuous cluelesness of Fumento and his ilk is amusingly illustrated by his comment that the doctors suspected in the recent British terrorist plot was “a truly scary scenario that’s right out of a movie like The Manchurian Candidate.” As anyone with a functioning brain that has seen that classic film knows, the ultimate goal of the Chinese plot was to install James Gregory (playing a barely disguised version of Joe McCarthy controlled by his wife–Angela Lansbury as an icy Chicom mole) in the White House. In other words, the plotters were (correctly) aware that the best way to destroy the US was make sure it was led by a fear mongering arch-conservative. Of course, such people are incapable of detecting irony.

However, unaware that the batteries are dead in his irony detector, Fumento continues to wander over the beach, resolutely sweeping it back and forth:

One of the ironies is that you don’t even need to create fictitious Islamist villains; the real ones are so classically evil.

So classicially evil…so…so deliciously eeeevil!  (I’ve discovered that this column goes down a lot easier if you imagine it being read aloud by the Joker.  The Cesar Romero version.)

Look, you can’t live on the edge of your seat all the time in a war that could last a generation or far longer.

The Carthaginians tried it during the Second Punic War, and their legs eventually went to sleep.

If we think we see a bomb in every backpack, the terrorists are winning.

Or at least the Bush Administration is.

But there’s got to be a happy medium. Hollywood doesn’t see it that way. A lot of people have suggested that, pathetically, it’s going to take another terrorist attack to wake us from our slumber.

Oh come on, nobody would be heartless, cynical, or just plain stupid enough to make a statement like that.

In his first interview as the chairman of the Arkansas Republican Party, Dennis Milligan told a reporter that America needs to be attacked by terrorists so that people will appreciate the work that President Bush has done to protect the country.

“At the end of the day, I believe fully the president is doing the right thing, and I think all we need is some attacks on American soil like we had on [Sept. 11, 2001],” Milligan said to the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, “and the naysayers will come around very quickly to appreciate not only the commitment for President Bush, but the sacrifice that has been made by men and women to protect this country.”

Okay, my bad.  Hey, if any of you terrorists are currently working on Chairman Milligan’s Anti-Naysayer Plot, Fumento has a bit of operational advice:

Wouldn’t it be fitting if [the terrorist attack] were in a movie theater?

Ah, it looks like Michael finally replaced the batteries and found some irony over by the frozen banana stand.  Sure, it’s got a little gum and sand stuck to it, but I'm sure Alanis Morissette will still give him a good price for it.

Posted by scott on Monday, July 9th, 2007 at 4:11 pm.

Original comments -- including Special Guest Villain Michael Fumento -- below:

The Nutty Professor

Before starting a teaching job at one of California's many fine universities or junior colleges, the prospective instructor must first undergo a simple hazing ritual that involves looking upon the hideous visage of a Lovecraftian Elder God.  If the applicant survives, his new colleagues clap him on the back, and everybody goes out for drinks and appetizers at the Cheesecake Factory..

However, if a glimpse of Yog-Sothoth or Shub-Nigurrath reduces the candidate to a gibbering madness, he is immediately subdued by the able-bodied men present, immobilized with leather gyves and a stout canvas "restraining sheet," and offered the chance to pick up a little extra cash writing articles for American Thinker. Then everybody piles into the Party Bus and it's off to the Cheesecake Factory!

This week's Cthulhu-plagued pedagogue is Robert Oscar Lopez, English Professor at California State University-Northridge.  But before we get to Professor Lopez's particular moral hobbyhorse, let's take a moment to meet the man himself.

[cue The Dating Game theme]

Bachelor Number One describes himself as a "children's advocate" and the editor of English Manif, a bilingual French-English blog which promotes the idea that "The rights of children trump the desires of any group such as the LGBT lobby seeking control of children for their personal fulfillment."

When the Minnesota legislature was considering marriage equality, Bachelor Number One showed up twice to testify as an expert witness:

On March 12, he told the Senate Judiciary Committee a convoluted story about growing up with a lesbian mother, falling himself into a life of drugs and promiscuity as a young gay man and finally marrying a woman and becoming a father. The experience, he testified, scarred him for life.

I'm sure my Dad would agree with Professor Lopez that becoming a father can leave a few scars. Especially when the ungrateful little twerp refuses to mow the lawn or get a haircut.

"[My peers] learned, typically, how to be bold and unflinching from male figures and how to write thank-you cards and be sensitive from female figures. These are stereotypes, of course, but stereotypes come in handy when you inevitably leave the safety of your lesbian mom’s trailer and have to work and survive in a world where everybody thinks in stereotypical terms, even gays.”

"So in conclusion, Senators, when you consider upending an institution that has been a cornerstone of civilized society since time immemorial, please remember the stereotypical trailer lesbians. Thank you."

“Young adult men’s support for redefining marriage may not be entirely the product of ideals about expansive freedoms, rights, liberties, and a noble commitment to fairness,” he is quoted as concluding. “It may be, at least in part, a byproduct of regular exposure to diverse and graphic sex acts.”

As several scientifically rigorous, peer-reviewed studies have shown, the more porn stars toss each other's salad, the more the typical young adult man thinks about marriage.

Prof. Lopez appearing uninvited before the Minnesota State Senate Judiciary Committee to answer the eternal, if unasked question of how he caught The Gay from two lesbians in a mobile home.  The Committee unanimously voted his testimony the Worst Penthouse Forum Letter Ever.

Anyway, on with the Professor's lecture:

The International Gay War on Black People

The most blatant contempt toward black Americans I've seen recently has come from none other than the organized leadership of the LGBT lobby.

ME:  And where exactly did you see that, Professor?

LOPEZ:  Inside this kaleidoscope!   (BRANDISHES LIFELIKE 13-INCH RUBBER PENIS)

ME:  I thought kaleidoscopes were those cardboard tube thingies.  That actually looks more like an enormous dildo...

LOPEZ:  Of course it does!  Where else would you hide the LGBT lobby?  (PUTS THE MEATUS TO HIS EYE AND TWISTS THE FORESKIN BACK AND FORTH)  Ohhh, you should see how racist they're being in here. Also, if you turn it real fast, it looks like the opening credits of Family Affair.

Donnie McClurkin, an award-winning musician, was supposed to perform at the fiftieth anniversary of Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s march on Washington. McClurkin is a black Christian who has come forward with an inspiring life story. He was molested as a boy and developed homosexual behaviors, possibly as a result of the trauma.

I dunno, Prof...as inspirational TV movie fodder goes, it's not exactly Brian's Song.  And if we're going to offer pseudo-scientific explanations for same-sex attraction, we should make certain that we're absolutely sure of our fake facts.  Have you considered the possibility that Mr. McClurkin developed homosexual behaviors as the result of a vaccination?  Or maybe he was driven to knob-gobble after years of using Sexy Hair's Soy Renewal Nourishing Styling Treatment.  (By the way, is it just me, or does The Knobgobbler sound like a character from those old McDonaldland commercials?)

Later his faith helped him to overcome his homosexual desires and live a more biblical life.

Now he spends most of his time cuckolding Hittites and refusing to mix his fabrics.

Under pressure from gay power activists in Washington the mayor of Washington, D.C., Vincent Gray, decided to drop McClurkin from the concert. McClurkin was humiliated. LGBT activists felt that someone who had called homosexuality a "sin" could not perform at a concert commemorating the life and work of a black Christian reverend.

Well, he also called it a "curse," but maybe he was just talking about the way trailer lesbians synchronize their monthly cycles.

Professor Lopez goes on for awhile, so let me summarize: at this point he rehearses a litany of African-Americans who've said or done discriminatory things regarding gay people and gotten flack for it.  Why is he the spokesperson for Black Christendom?  Probably for the same reason he's the leader of a Children's Crusade against the LGBT powers of personal fulfillment.

The peculiar ideology of the LGBT lobby, however, seems fashioned perfectly to inflame the rage and resistance of African-Americans. First, the ideology is based on biological determinism. The repeated appeals to the Fourteenth Amendment depend upon the notion that homosexuals are born with their orientation in the same way black people are born with dark skin. This isn't the most inviting way to start a comparison: "Hi, I'm a guy who loves playing with other men's genitals, and that's just like you being black!"

I really need to quit using this as an icebreaker at the Apollo.

There is an added dimension to this dangerous form of essentialism, however. The LGBT lobby is driven by the belief that people whom they classify as "born homosexuals" must engage in the actual acts of sexual gratification with the same sex, or there is something wrong with them.

Dude, this is America.  TV commercials for fast food patty melts make you feel bad if you're not having sex -- straight, gay, or otherwise.  

Within this logic, it is impossible to go from homosexual activity to non-homosexual activity.

I had no idea homosexuality was so powerful that gay guys can't stop blowing each other long enough to make a pot roast or buy snow tires.

So convinced are LGBT activists of this rejection of free will and self-control that they have moved to make it illegal in California, New Jersey, and Massachusetts for counselors to help minors cease or avoid sexual activities with the same sex.

And if you outlaw an entire industry based on quack psychology and self-loathing, it will likely have drastic and deleterious effects on society.  For one thing, it may lead to a decrease in teen suicides.  Which, okay, I admit sounds good, but will almost certainly produce unintended consequences, such as...um...fewer Bobbie Gentry songs?

The LGBT lobby also demands that same-sex couples have the right to be parents. Here is where the movement becomes utterly irreconcilable with black history...For same-sex couples to become parents, they must purchase children. They won't call it that, of course. But buying sperm from a sperm-bank or renting a woman's womb both entail the exchange of money for ownership of a child. The state is then embroiled in the arrangement as an enforcer of the contract, compelling the child and third parties to respect the authority of two adults, one or both of whom are unrelated to the child, and both of whom came into possession of a dependent human being through money.

Ahhh...that explains this birth announcement I just got from my friends Mark and Pam:

How does this sound for a race of people who came out of slavery? Do you think it makes sense to tell black people, who were treated as chattel and stereotyped as savages incapable of self-control, that they ought to jump on board?

Had Harriet Beecher Stowe only known that slavery, which seemed such a cruel injustice in her day, would come to seem trivial compared to in vitro fertilization, she probably would have titled her book Uncle Tom's Sperm Bank.

Has it ever occurred to the LGBT lobby's loudmouths that they are fighting for segregation, not against it, so they shouldn't be comparing themselves to blacks fighting Jim Crow at all?

This should be good...

 After all, to fight for same-sex marriage means that the state endorses the creation of separate estates for male/male and female/female couples, with restricted access to property. Old marriage laws ensured gender diversity within households; same-sex marriage drives men and women into ghettoized enclaves.

So traditional marriage was really just affirmative action?  It was a quota system?  In other words, Professor, you're telling me that under the old law, even if I found a more qualified man to propose to, I could be forced by the government to marry a woman?  Alright, that's it!  I'm taking this all the way to the Supreme Court.

Laws against miscegenation were based on the idea that whites were born to mate with whites and not with blacks -- so why is racial history being cited by a lobby that thinks gays were born to mate with the same sex and not the opposite sex (orientation-mixing, which they view as unnatural and even want to outlaw in California, Massachusetts, and New Jersey?).

Wow. That makes so little sense I'm surprised the Professor doesn't teach criminology.