Monday, February 26, 2018

The Slumgullion Episode 45: Black Panther

It's a new Slumgullion! Episode 45: "I Don't Mind That She's a Mutineer...I Do Mind That She's a Drama Queen."

In Part 1, Jeff and Scott grief counsel each other through their co-dependent relationships with Star Wars and Star Trek, and somehow wind up awarding a pair of breasts to Dr. McCoy. In Part II, the New Movie Crew takes on Black Panther, and the fur really flies.

And check out the bonus video below.

Marvel Studios President Kevin Feige, Black Panther director Ryan Coogler, and star Chadwick Boseman make a surprise appearance at the opening night screening at the Chinese Theater in Hollywood. At least, it was a surprise to us.

Saturday, February 24, 2018

Whatever The Traffic Will Allow

By Keith

Hello, World O’Crappers and let us count the ways Republicans heart Juvenile Road Kill, huh?

  • Sweet, fresh kidneys (there are two per kid)
  • Ripe, accurate retinas (two-per)
  • Sharp precision corneas (two-per)
  • Lovely liver, relatively free of chemicals. Plug & Play. Ready to Roll.
  • Cartilage for orthopedic surgeries: (advanced ACL, other procedures)

The list is by no means complete, but even these few spare parts are enough to keep the average billionaire from having to pay the Death Tax for a few more years; at least long enough to contribute to his 2020 campaign.

Okay, it's a bit like the plot of The Island (2005), but unlike that movie's pen-raised, captive clones, our current NRA-approved system allows for the breeding of free range donors, with harvesting taking place at semi-regular intervals by volunteers, so capital costs remain low.

Thanks for your attention, and please pick up a free copy of our prospectus on your way out.

Friday, February 23, 2018

Moby Dreck: Age of the Dragons (2011)

By Hank Parmer

It should come as no surprise if I note dragons are hot right now. Okay, when it comes to the fire-breathing variety, except for the White Walkers' new pet they're hot all the time. But you know what I mean. Over the last couple of decades, what with advances in computer-generated effects, on TV and the silver screen these mythical beasts have proliferated like Everglades pythons.

But as today's example illustrates, this has not been an unmixed blessing.

Let's say there's a RenFaire-themed alternate reality in which dragons are real. Not only that, but they're prized for their precious vitriol (though not so much for their withering sarcasm) so the creatures are harvested by intrepid bands of landsmen who roam the wilderness in ironclad tour buses. But wait: Wouldn't this be the ideal setting for a new interpretation of a revered American novel, whose dense symbolist prose has bored generations of high school students out of their skulls?

And what if you could hire a distinguished African-American actor to spout chunks of Captain Ahab's dialog, as well as tap a familiar British thespian -- often cast as a menacing but quirky thug who's prone to episodes of astonishing violence -- to play an abbreviated version of the Pequod's unflappable second mate, Stubb?

What could possibly go wrong? Well ... everything.

Even though his name appears nowhere in the credits, at first I strongly suspected my favorite punching bag and bĂȘte noire, Mark Atkins had a hand in this mess. It certainly has some of the tell-tale signs, beginning with the blatant lie of its poster: There is a dragon, true, but the protagonist never gets within a hundred miles of a shining broadsword, nor is he ever this up close and personal with one of the beasts. As his filmography shows, Atkins has made a career out of crappy films featuring dragons -- Jack the Giant Killer and P-51 Dragon Fighter, to name only two -- and with A Princess of Mars he proved he was ready to apply that reverse Midas touch to classic literature.

And by this point I could well understand why the guy might have ample reason to use a pseudonym. Yet I have a hard time believing he'd content himself with only one credit under his assumed name, or that he could cast the likes of Danny Glover and Vinnie Jones, or that Atkins would have the self-control to refrain from inserting one of his signature "circling P.O.V." shots somewhere in the film. Even though it scarcely bears contemplation, it seems certain now what we have here is something much more dire: an imitator or -- even worse -- an acolyte.

But on to the movie: The fun begins with a flashback to Ahab's difficult adolescent years. Even at this early age, according to the voice over he's a precociously talented hunter. On this fateful day his beloved kid sister tags along while he checks his snares. He's disappointed to find he's only snagged a couple of rabbits. Someday he's sure he'll bag one of those elusive Whooping Hippogriffs.

Sis skips down to a nearby stream with her pail. A vast, dragon-shaped shadow passes over her unnoticed. While she waits for him to join her, Ahab's sister amuses herself by idly tossing pebbles into the babbling brook. She hears something behind her, freezes and slowly looks back over her shoulder.

Ahab hears the girl's terrified shriek; he races down to the stream, only to find a huge white dragon crouched over her bloody corpse. Ahab, mad with rage, yells his defiance and attacks the beast with his knife. He's knocked down into the water, and the dragon belches a jet of fire. Fade-out on a very artistic shot of the abandoned bucket in a sea of slow-motion flames, while first-person narrator "Ishmael" informs us that no one knows why the dragon didn't finish the job on Ahab, who was terribly burned but somehow survived.

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Compulsory Beast Blogging Event

I've been told (over and over again, on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and by the ghost of MySpace, which I accidentally summoned during a seance last night while I was using a Ouija board to contact my grandfather in a last ditch attempt to discover the identity of his murderer, and also  where Gramps put the spare furnace filters, because they don't make them for that model anymore and some jerk on Ebay is charging like 200 bucks for a 6-pack!) that it's #LoveYourPetDay, and if there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that while popular cultural, contemporary mores, and modern technology have all passed me by, I have one hope to survive the future without being ritually executed by Millennials in a Logan's Run-style shopping mall, and that's to #ObeyTheHashtag!

So here's some cats.


Shadow avec Moondoggie

Monday, February 5, 2018

Better Living Through Bad Movies: The Alligator People (1959)

The stars of Better Living Through Bad Movies: The Audiobook, John Szura and Blanche Ramirez, are back and giving the business to The Alligator People, that lovable 1959 sci-fi classic that perfectly captured America's Cold War fears about atomic mutations, psychoanalysis, and piano-playing reptiles.