Cruzin' for a Bruisin'

I think we can all agree that I am amongst our nation's most prominent conservatives. In fact, since the untimely death of Modest Conservative Jon Swift, I'm probably the blogosphere's leading advocate for traditional values. At least, that's what Senator Ted Cruz seems to think, since he was so eager to email me about his decision to run for President that he seemed a bit like a Pomeranian doing an alarming pee-pee dance on the hallway Axminster:

Actually, I think you misheard them, Ted. It's not surprising; with millions of voices crying out at once, things can get a bit garbled. I had that same problem with all those dead whiners from Alderaan. What they're actually saying is, "America is clearly defective, so we want to take our country back to the store and return the unused portion for a full refund."

My fellow conservative, 

As one of the millions of real Americans calling for a change of leadership, I thank you.

And as one of the millions of Americans terrified by the thought of you anywhere near the levers of power in Washington, I'm calling for a change of pants.

The United States is the greatest nation the world has ever known, but recently we’ve gotten off track.

The U.S. may be the greatest nation the world has ever known, but you have to remember, the world has terrible taste in nations. It's like the Gabor Sisters and men.

 We need to restore the strong values that made us great, so that we can leave a stronger and more prosperous nation for our children.

I don't have kids, Ted, I have a cat, and frankly he seems perfectly content with our current GDP. (For some reason, this one sentence is in red, and since the rest of the email isn't, I can only assume it's caused by some sort of inflammation. So ask your doctor if strong values are right for you.)

That’s why I’m running for President in 2016. 

"And my personality is why I'll be running for Senate in 2018."

Our country was built on freedom, enterprise and strong family values.

Also genocide and chattel slavery. Credit where credit is due, Ted.

Together, we can change leadership, change direction and reclaim the unlimited potential of each and every one of us.

I may be a defeatist, but I've always felt that my potential is limited by my finite lifespan and lack of supernatural powers. The rest of you, apparently, are god-like, pan-dimensional cosmic beings, so I'll just flake out here on the couch and watch this Bones marathon on TNT while you guys punch the walls of reality, or whatever.

My mission between now and 2016 is to help take America back to what made us great

Slavery/Genocide, '16! Woo hoo!

Thank you for adding your voice to our fight, and I hope I can count on your support for the long road ahead.

You can certainly count on me to spread your message, like so much compost, if you email me again, Ted.

For more, follow the link: www.tedcruz.org

"Because I kind of didn't think ahead, and tedcruz.com was already taken."

For America, Senator Ted Cruz

Some people might find it presumptuous, but I like the fact that Senator Cruz is so done with the namby-pamby complimentary close that he can't even, and has instead arrogated to himself the right to speak for all America. In fact, I wish I'd thought of it. However, as I don't want to get sued by tedcruz.org, or tedcruz.us, or tedcruz.xxx, I'm going to start signing my letters on behalf of some other tottering nation-state whose best days are behind it. So if we're penpals, don't be surprised if my next email to you concludes with a warm "For Herzegovina," or "Very Truly Djibouti."

Happy Birthday, Chris V! I Got You a Murder Hat!

Yes, ChrisVmas, that most festive time of year, when we gather 'round the roaring hearth with kith and kin, and get roaring drunk, which never turns out well, and is probably the origin of that old saw, "Don't give gin to your kin, or a fifth to your kith."

As most Crappers know, Chris Vosburg is a veteran and valued member of the community, a source of wisdom and trivia in comments, and an occasional correspondent here on the front page, so naturally we wanted to get him something nice this year, and I think I've found the perfect thing: GOP Homicide Swag!

As you know, Reince Priebus has been stalking me ever since a deliriously romantic one night stand turned bitter when I began to decline his calls and ignore his fundraising appeals. (But I did it for you, Reince, because after what we shared, I thought giving you money would make you feel like a whore.) However, I failed to realize that "whore" is the Chairman's factory standard setting, and rather than sparing him an insult, I was interfering with his business model. So not only is he crouching in my shrubs, he's gotten all his girlfriends to send me shaming emails.

Scott, the Chairman was asking about you

Did you tell him I like him? Don't tell him I like him!

Hey -  

I'm about to step in a meeting with the Chairman to go over our plan for the final three days before the election. And I know he's going to ask me if you have contributed yet.

Well, I contributed to his sperm bank, if you know what I mean.

Scott, can I give him your name as a donor to the Final Election Day Voter Fund?

Look, he's already got my name as a Potential Booty Call if Lindsey Graham is Washing His Hair, and I don't want to clutter up his Rolodex.

Seeing that his Mean Girls weren't getting it done, however, Reince tried to bribe me with baubles:

Scott, 

It's time. 

Just like in sports, when the season is on the line, you put on the gear that shows what team you are on.

Yes, but what if you don't suffer the delusion that you're a member of your favorite professional sports team, and realize that suiting up before the big game will just get you tossed out of the locker room and cited for trespassing?

That's why we are rolling out the GOP's newest product: an American-made, full-zip hoodie.

Waiiiiiiit a minute!  Why would Reince entice me to add Thugwear to my trousseau, unless he secretly wants me to get shot by a cop!  Has he really given up on our love, and moved on to the "If I can't have you, nobody can!" stage?

Apparently so, because next he dangled this GOP dunce cap before my dazzled eyes:

While his email insists this is a "cool Camo hat," I see one problem with it: how am I supposed to seamlessly blend in with my surroundings when I've got a big neon TARGET in the middle of my forehead!? Design flaw, or the Hell-like fury of a Chairman scorned?

So anyway, I'm going into the witness production program until the election is over, because if there's one thing I fear more than death, it's dying as the result of a half-assed, passive-aggressive plot that requires me to pay shipping and handling. But before I go, let's close with a shot of Vosburg approved B-Movie babe Allison Hayes sitting too close to the TV...

Stop that Allison, you'll ruin your eyes!

And finally, for our Sexy Birthday Lizard, we have a SBL that's actually a SBL: the Side-Blotched Lizard of Catalina Island, where Chris misspent much of his youth:

Happy Birthday and Merry Vmas, Chris!

If Cyrano de Bergerac Were a Mortician

Along with the large volume of spam I deservedly receive, there's the occasional, loosely targeted marketing appeal from proprietors of various virtual emporia. The last time, it was from Ken Myers, "a leader in the nanny industry" (I'll just note that this was back in 2013, so the couple of Robin Williams jokes were in no more than average bad taste).  Today, the vast combines of the Sympathy Card Ghost-Writing business have turned their cephalopodan tentacles on World O' Crap:

Hi,
I'm Suzie Kolber and I’m a volunteer at ObituariesHelp.org. I visited World o Crap online

Yes, that's usually where you'll find it.

I’m wondering if I can contribute some content to your website (http://world-o-crap.blogspot.com/) about “How to Express Your Condolences For a Loved One." What do you think? 

I think you just neatly demonstrated the difference between "visiting" a site and "reading" it.

 Let me know if you like the idea or if you have a better suggestion.

I actually do have a couple of ideas. Let me run 'em by you:

1. What about an anti-aging cream made from embalming fluid and driveway sealant! Or...
2. How about if mortuaries made plastic deathmasks of your loved ones, then added an elastic string so kids could Trick or Trick as their recently deceased Grandpa? (Homeowner: Awww, and what are you supposed to be?  Trick or Treater: A reminder of your own mortality, Ma'm!)

Anyway, back to Suzie...

If not, would you consider sharing my new advice page that lists how to write a condolence message with your visitors? (http://obituarieshelp.org/words_of_condolences_hub.html) 

Sure, Suzie. It's been my sad duty to write a few obituaries over the years -- for Jim Capozolla,  beloved Crapper Marq, and the irreplaceable Doghouse Riley (and I just noticed, in looking these up, that Marq commented on Jim's obit, and Doghouse commented on Marq's, which is either a bittersweet reminder of the Circle of Life, or these posts are like that video in The Ring) -- and it's a hard, emotional experience that could only benefit from the introduction of crib notes.

The page was recently endorsed by the International Funeral Directors Association and I think this would be helpful to anyone that has recently lost a loved one or is about to attend a funeral.

Yes, if there's one thing that can improve the grieving experience, it's making it less personal and spontaneous.

I’m proud to say the website receives over 400K visitors per month and helps lots of people during their most difficult time.

Wow, I should be asking you for a plug, except I don't actually help anybody, even when the livin' is easy.

Please let me know your thoughts and if you’re able to add me as a resource, please share the URL with me so that I can look at it.

Actually, I seem to have deleted your email, Suzie, but just know that my thoughts are with you as you work through this difficult time of networking and marketing.

And if any of you guys are worried that your elegy is thin gruel and could use a nice starchy thickener, consider Suzie's Obituary Helper.

(Speaking of death: Actor212 has produced a timeline on the Duncan Ebola case which demonstrates with remarkable, cool-headed clarity, that the U.S. is in danger of coming down with a fatal case of Texas.)

For I Was Thirsty, And Ye Sold Me a Mug

Well, I'm still not quite up to slumming around the Information Superhighway, but I'm also not about to look a gift horse in the ass, so let's check out some of the masterfully counterintuitive sales spiels from the Bring Back Bush! nostalgia industry:

You remember Sara Armstrong, the RNC Chief Operating Officer who was Laura Bush's Special Assistant Undersecretary for Thank You Cards, and Senior Wine Cooler Uncapper? Well, she's been in a funk ever since the morning of January 20th, 2009, when, for the final time, she broke open a 24-bottle Variety Pack of Seagram's Escapes and handed the First Lady her last official Jamaican Me Happy. Ever since, Sara has been coping with a life bereft of creamy cardstock and fortified Sangria by trying to sell me theme mugs and Beefy-Ts.

Scott,
After 5 years of President Obama, America needs real leaders like President George W. Bush.

Interesting use of the plural. I guess in Sara's view, President Obama barely qualifies as a leader, while George W. Bush was so much of a leader he was legion, he was a leaders -- a composite president formed by having Dick Cheney shove his hand up Bush's ass and work the jaw (Administration insiders recall the process being very similar to the way Lion Force combined to form Voltron, except it involved more Astro-Glide and squealing.)

While working in the Bush administration, I saw how much President Bush valued honesty and transparency. 

I thought I could live without the "I Miss W." mug until I got to the end of that sentence and realized how badly I needed to do a spit-take.

But it's not only the little people who pine for a man some consider arguably the nation's worst president, certain that if given another chance he would come back and remove all doubt. It's also the major players (and major playahs) like sex machine Ari Fleischer:

Scott, 

It seems like yesterday I was standing next to President George W. Bush while he made critical decisions for the future of our country. 

It is times like this when the character, courage and commitment of an individual are tested. 

"And I'm proud to say that never once, as I watched President Bush struggle with critical thinking skills, did I give in to the urge to bust out laughing. I passed the test. I will diminish, and go into the West, and remain Aridriel."

And it is times like this when President Bush especially shined as a leader — and a person.

But he particularly shined as a leaders (the combination of Bush's flop-sweat and Cheney's greasy T-Zone produced an unusually high albedo).

I really do miss W. 

Well then why don't you call him instead of trying to sell me crockery?  It's like having that chick from Fifty Shades of Grey suddenly start mooning about zip-ties and spanking in the middle of her Amway pitch.

Now you have an opportunity to get a cool, convenient American-made mug and make a statement:

I suppose you could debate whether the mug is "cool," but to stretch the concept of irony that far, I think you'd really have to combine "air quotes" with the old "a fish this big" gesture. However, I don't consider a mug "convenient" unless it's right beside my coffee maker, which this one is clearly not, and never will be, so I have to consider that a fatal design flaw. Also, I was confused by the slogan, "SALUTE to a GREAT ONE," until I ran it through Google Translate and discovered that in English it means, "I Guess I Like Bush Okay, But I Really Miss Jackie Gleason." 

I just got mine in the mail, and I must say, it’s a great way to start your day. 

Assuming you've filled it with a Bloody Mary.

Thanks,
Ari Fleischer
Former White House Press Secretary, President George W. Bush
Co-Chair, the Growth and Opportunity Project

Maybe it's just me, but as a connoisseur of corporate euphemisms, the Growth and Opportunity Project sounds kind of like an industry trade group for a particularly aggressive form of cancer.

P.S. Reince says these mugs are flying off the shelves (and I’m not surprised). Don’t wait to get yours.

Seems redundant, Ari, since if I owned one it'd be flying off the shelf too.

Finally, we're joined by RNC Finance Director Kate Walsh, who's got the T-Shirt concession today.

Scott,
President George W. Bush was committed to protecting our freedom, promoting peace throughout the world, and advancing the ideals and principles that make America so great.

I was also committed to some pretty big goals, before I retired to paint nude self-portraits, and like Bush my efforts not only failed to bring me closer to achieving them, they actually set me back farther then I would have been if I'd done absolutely nothing. So I'm relieved to learn that commitment counts more than accomplishment for our final grade.

He said it best when he proclaimed: “We will not waver, we will not tire, we will not falter, and we will not fail. Peace and Freedom will prevail.”

Burma Shave.

It’s a good reminder of who we are and what we stand for as Americans.
Stand with us and get a limited-edition, American-made “I Miss W.” t-shirt today.

So we stand for overpriced screen printing? Say what you want about the RNC, at least it's an ethos. 

Faithfully Submitted, Douglas C. Neidermeyer, Sergeant-at-Arms

I think Chairman Preibus is on to me. Recently, a group of rich and popular kids -- Kate Walsh, RNC Finance Director; Sara Armstrong, Chief Operating Officer; Press Secretary Kirsten Kukowski; and RNC Co-Chair, Sharon Day -- tendered rather sudden overtures of friendship, inviting me to eat lunch at their table in the cafeteria and hang out at the Cool Kids Only bench in the Quad. As grateful as I've been for these seemingly unprovoked attentions, I've been hesitant to return them, mostly because this is basically the plot of Mean Girls, and that didn't really turn out too well for anybody. Oh, Tina Fey is doing all right, I suppose, and Lizzy Caplan now regularly gets nude on premium cable and has simulated intercourse with Michael Sheen, so you can't say it's all bad; unfortunately, in this scenario, I'm Lindsay Lohan, so...Yeah.  I've been a bit cautious about opening up my heart, and particularly, my wallet.

And Reince has noticed. After resisting the seductive song of his executive suite sirens, Chairman Preibus has left me to the shrill vocalizations of RNC volunteer Diane Umbarger, perhaps to see if vinegar can succeed where honey has failed.

Scott, 

We haven't met, but I’m an RNC volunteer from Mooresville, NC.

Oh man. I'm about to get catfished so hard...

I’ve been coming out to volunteer for the RNC every weekend for the past few months, and I wanted to give you a quick update from the field.

"There's foxtails in mah socks, and chiggers in mah shins..."

You might think I'm crazy for giving up my free time to knock on doors and talk to voters, but I know it makes a difference.

Well, I think you're half right...

Let me prove it to you. . .

If this phrase isn't followed by Ms. Umbarger peeling off a rubbery human mask to reveal the reptilian face beneath, then my faith in self-diagnosed crazy people who visit your home uninvited at the behest of a creature they call "Reince" is going to be severely shaken.

One day, I was knocking on doors, talking to people about how much this election will change the course of our country.

They were stall doors in a men's restroom, and many of her more costive auditors were not receptive. Fortunately, it was the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport, so her speech did incite a certain amount of suggestive stance-widening.

And at one house I met a student who had never voted before. The RNC had given me the intel that he wasn't registered, and I was able to quickly register him and give him the info he needed to get to the voting booth in November.

"Unfortunately, he was nine, so legally I could only register him for a Community Water Safety class at the Rec Center Natatorium. But even though we want to drown Government in a bathtub, I don't think we feel the same way about our future voters, so I'm calling this one a bit fat win."

Another time I was door knocking

"And I interrupted a couple who were boot knocking. Sadly, they didn't seem very open to hearing about how this election will change the course of our country -- in fact, they were rather rude to me -- but happily, RNC intel indicated that they weren't married, so at least I made that slut waste one of her birth control pills for nothing."

I met an elderly couple that was frustrated about the direction of the country. They’d lost hope in their grandchildren’s future and didn’t see why their vote even mattered. I explained how important the Senate election is in North Carolina and put my RNC training to good use describing the gravity of the situation. Finally, they got it and agreed to turn out and vote in November!

"Admittedly, they vowed to 'vote the straight Democratic ticket' in the hopes it would make me 'chew my own tongue off,' but the story has a happy end, since they're Negroes, so I was able to report them for voter fraud."

This is exciting stuff!

Just keep telling yourself that, Diane.  You're good enough, you're smart enough, and doggone it, people like you to get off their porch.

Real people are turning out to vote Republican because of conversations with volunteers like me.

Well, you showed such grit and enthusiasm registering all those mannequins, Realdolls®, and Resusci-Annies, it was inevitable that your local Volunteer Coordinator would let you graduate, however tentatively, to Homo sapiens.

See you in the field!

Not if I see you first!

Diane Umbarger

RNC Volunteer

From Lagos (and K Street) With Love

It's the Battle of the Email Scammers!  On the left, Ibrahim Lamorde, EFCC Chairman! On the right, Kate Walsh, RNC Finance Director!

DELAYED FUND TRANSFER: ARE YOU THE TRUE BENEFICIARY?

Well, I don't know. I guess it it depends on whether I can pull a sword out of a can of Spam.

Attention: 

I am writing in regards to an unattended file in your names that has been on the EFCC's desk for over some years, which is supposed to be for the transfer of some huge sum of money to your bank account 

Spoiler alert: this sentence goes on for another paragraph, so let me pause for a moment and make sure I've got it all straight...Somebody in Nigeria left a manilla folder lying around the office and forgot about it -- maybe it slipped down behind the copier, or under the credenza -- for an indeterminate number of years, despite the fact that it contained my various cognomens (I can only assume that Lagos Vice is onto the multifarious pseudonyms, aliases, Mob-style sobriquets, and overly evocative porn names that I've been using to cheat the filling system employed by Sub-Saharan con artists, because I'm all about the irony).

A friend once said, You can usually tell someone is lying when they offer up an excuse and it comes garnished with a lot of unnecessary and unwanted detail. But the author of this missive -- "Mr Ibrahim Lamorde" -- didn't do that. Quite the opposite, in fact. He claims to represent the "EFCC" but doesn't bother to inform me what the acronym stands for ("Elephants Fart Candy Corn"? We just don't know). Presumably it's an Economic or Financial ministry, and you'd expect that sort of institution to be staffed by anal retentive accountant-types who are painfully rigorous about dates and numbers. But my payment, which has been languishing "for over some years," comes to exactly "some huge sum." I don't know about you, but that's the kind of weirdly repetitive evasiveness that no one would try to get away with, except a very honest man or an incredibly lazy crook.

by the Central Bank of Nigeria during the stewardship of Mr Charles Soludo(May 29, 2004 – May 29, 2009) and Mr Sanusi Lamido Sanusi(June 3, 2009 - February 14, 2014) as CBN Governors and the Chairmanship of the EFCC under Mr Nuhu Ribadu(2003 - 2007) and Mrs Farida Waziri(May 2008 – 23 November 2011).

Who are they? Who knows! The important thing is, they're individuals who have names, unlike fictional people who must make do with descriptives like "The Man in the Yellow Hat" or "The Girl with the Pearl Earring," although I think Sanusi Sanusi might be the guy who shot RFK, so I'm not sure he's all that great a character reference.

Recently, it has come to the commission's notice that you have been in constant communication with people who claim to be what they are not, people who frequently impersonate the identity of real government and bank officials to help make themselves and their scam appear legitimate in order to deceive and defraud you of your hard-earned money persistently!.

I flatter myself that after 15 years of knowing Karl Rove exists, I'm a pretty fair judge of projection, and I can safely say that Mr Lamorde's concern trolling compares favorably with RNC Press Secretary Kirsten Kukowski's confession that she misses George W. Bush because Obama takes too many vacations.

I will be ready to help in delivering your fund sum to you with your honest and sincere co-operation with my office but i do not know if i am in contact with the true fund beneficiary

Probably not. I can't get this sword to budge, and I just snapped the pull-tab off the lid.

if i am, do inform me accordingly through this email: mribrahimlamorde217@gmail.com, if i am not then honestly ignore this letter. Thank you for your anticipated co-operation. 

Yours Sincerely, 

Mr Ibrahim Lamorde,
Chairman,
EFCC.

I wish I could satisfy your anticipation, Mr Lamorde, but knowing me I'm probably going to ignore your letter in the most deceitful manner possible, by posting it on World O' Crap and inviting our readers to guess what "EFCC" stands for.

Now on to Kate Walsh, RNC Finance Director:

GOP.com Scott,  Nancy Pelosi again just emailed her liberal supporters saying, “I’m doing everything I can to defeat Boehner this November.”  The Democrats are getting desperate.  They're actually trying to win elections!  Even worse, they mean to win Wimbleton! They’re pulling every trick, scheme and stunt to try to defeat our Republican Majority in the House and block us from gaining a Republican Majority in the Senate.  These Washington Democrats are launching the same smear and scare campaigns that got Obama elected in the first place. I'm a little fuzzy on the exact smears and scare campaigns the Democrats were launching back in 2008 (I started drinking heavily after John McCain announced his VP pick), but I think Obama's supporters trafficked in racist conspiracy theories about how McCain wasn't a "natural born citizen" because he was born outside the U.S., and accused Sarah Palin of "pallin' around with terrorists," just because her husband belonged to a secessionist party whose leader proclaimed, "I'm an Alaskan, not an American. I've got no use for America or her damned institutions." They have even gone so far as to create “phony scandals,” tell flat out lies, and sensationalize and spin anything that they think can make them money. If I were you I'd sue the Democrats for theft of your intellectual property. You'd never see Disney stand for that kind of copyright infringement. We can’t sit back and watch these desperate and reckless attacks any longer.  Democrats are banking on extreme fundraising tactics and the deep pockets of the Liberal Elite — but we have you. Oooh. You're fucked. I’m fed up with the Democrats bragging about their successful scare tactics. I need you, Scott, to step up and help us set our own fundraising record this month. So you don't care if the Democrats take the House or keep the Senate, you just can't stand to see them boasting about it? Can't you just settle it with an 8 Mile type freestyle rap battle? That's it for our International Spam Dance-Off.  Text "FRAUD" to vote for Mr. Lamorde, and "RUBE" to vote for Ms. Walsh.

Return to Sender

Well, after I resisted the emailed blandishments of RNC Chief Operating Officer Sara Armstrong, then rudely shunned the seductive, Salomé-like dance of Co-Chair Sharon Day and completely failed to buy their $27 "I Miss W" t-shirt, Chairman Reince Preibus had no choice but to go all Damn Yankees on me and unleash the siren charms of RNC Press Secretary Kirsten Kukowski, and the power of her slightly discounted theme mug.

Scott, 

Remember when the President of the United States was more focused on the American people than on political fundraisers and his golf swing?

Well, no, but then I don't personally remember magic lantern shows, detachable celluloid collars, or playing whist on the Graf Zeppelin...Just how old do you think I am, lady?

President Obama has already attended 400 fundraisers and played 183 rounds of golf — and he still has two years left in office.

So if the President was hoping to beat George W. Bush's record of 879 days off -- over two years out of eight spent on vacation -- somebody better break it to Obama that he's been mathematically eliminated.

We miss the days of principled Republican leadership in the White House—and we miss President George W. Bush.

Okay, but you do realize those are two separate things, right? That's like me saying I miss Gothic architecture and I miss Shake-a-Puddin'.

Now you can start your day off right with an exclusive “I Miss W.” mug.

Start your day off right, with an aching sense of loss and regret! 

Seeing that I'm cheap, unpatriotic, or just not thirsty, Kirsten changed tack and decided to give me a Schoolhouse Rock-style lecture on how a bill doesn't become a law:

Scott, 

Washington has a serious gridlock problem — and that problem is the Democratic-controlled Senate. 

Washington also has a serious gridiron problem -- its football team has a really racist name -- but the Democratic-controlled Senate has refused to act on the no doubt dozens of Republican-sponsored bills to fix it.

Key Democrats have blocked over 40 Republican-backed, House-passed jobs bills from coming to the Senate. 

Actually, it seems most of those bills just repeal environmental and labor regulations (my favorite is probably "'HR 1633 - Farm Dust Regulation Prevention Act of 2011.' This bill prevents the EPA from issuing or finalizing regulations revising air quality standards under the Clean Air Act, and excepts farm dust from all references to 'particulate matter.'" Okay, maybe that one runs a close second to the "Black Lung is Beautiful Act of 2013.")

On the other hand, the Republican House has passed ten anti-abortion acts since 2009, and those could easily be considered jobs bills if you factor in the need -- once they pass the obstructionist Senate -- to recruit, train, and deploy a WPA-sized army of transvaginal ultrasound technicians.

So there you go. If you're missing W. badly enough that you must tell the other luckless bastards in the break room, Kirsten's mug is nine dollars cheaper than Sara and Sharon's t-shirt, and doesn't raise potential dress code issues.  Or you could, if you felt so inclined, spite Kirsten and buy the tasteful and capacious World O' Crap mug instead (just click the button to your left).  I'm not sure if it'll start your day off right or wrong, but according to the RNC's pantheistic beliefs about the interconnectedness of all things, it'll somehow prevent President Obama from setting foot inside the Pro Shop.

The Crass Menagerie

Yesterday the RNC offered me the chance to express my longing for George W. Bush through the eloquent medium of the Beefy-T; and yet, apparently because I'm a jerk, I ignored Chief Operating Officer Sara Armstrong's entreaty and instead spent the money on one of those shirts with airbrushed boobs on it, since it basically sends the same message.

But the Republican National Committee is turning up the tough love, and today they brought in Co-Chair Sharon Day:

Scott, 

30 years ago, President Ronald Reagan and Vice President George H.W. Bush were re-elected to the White House. 

Some of our country’s best years followed that moment.

I have to agree, mostly because I got laid a lot in the mid-Eighties, although at the time I attributed that less to Reagan and Bush and more to Bartles & Jaymes.

 I remember watching with optimism as Reagan and Bush honorably protected my freedoms and defended my conservative values.

While I remember watching a lot of Airwolf. Frankly, I don't think either one of us has much to be proud about.

Together, President Reagan and Vice President Bush exemplified leadership.

They left a legacy of prosperity, opportunity and perseverance for Americans.

Oh, so that's what I stepped in. This all apparently predates the law that now requires political parties to carry plastic bags around to scoop up their Presidents' legacies.

So I am thrilled the RNC is taking the time this year to honor the legacy of Reagan and Bush by offering you a limited-edition vintage Reagan-Bush ’84 t-shirt.

Some say that an appeal to the senses  -- such as the taste of a little piece of madeleine -- is the key to recollection, while others maintain that memory is best unlocked by novelty undershirts. Regardless, the remembrance of things past remains a profound experience, whether the author is Proust or Zazzle.
But while Sharon's lyrical nostalgia is charming, it's only the Good Cop warm-up for RNC Treasurer Tony Parker's Bad Cop act.

Scott, 

Did you abandon the Republican Party?

"I've abandoned my party! I've abandoned my party!  I've abandoned my national committee!"

Chairman Priebus has written to you already this year asking you to contribute to the RNC and renew your membership. But we haven’t received your financial support yet this year.

I'm sorry, I've just been distracted by how much "Chairman Priebus" sounds like one of those fake, science fictiony titles, like "Commando Cody" or "Padishah Emperor Shaddam" or "Judge Wapner".

Your past support has shown us that you believe in the Republican Party and the conservative principles we stand for. 

Given that my past support has consisted entirely of stealing the content of your emails and using it for my own nefarious purposes while giving you nothing in return, I believe that I've not only studied the principles you stand for, I've mastered them, and am now ready to leave the monastery and walk the earth like Kung Fu.

 So we are giving you one more chance to renew your membership with the Republican National Committee.

I completely believe that this is my last chance to give you money, just as you should totally believe that I've already mailed you a huge check.

Right now you are handing the advantage over to Democrats. That’s exactly what President Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid want you to do. With committed Republicans like you sitting out in 2014, the Democrats are able to continue their liberal rampage on conservative principles.

I'm not sitting it out, I just don't want to shoot my wad too early, so I'm waiting until the "liberal rampage" is upgraded to a "socialist stampede." But don't worry -- I've set up a Google alert.

2014 is our last chance to step in, step up

and shake it all about.

Don’t turn your back on the Republican Party

Relax, Tony. That's a lesson I learned a looong time ago.

I Really Need to File a Restraining Order Against Reince Preibus

We tend to mention a lot of right wing luminaries here on the blog, which is an unpleasant but unavoidable byproduct of our charter, and I long ago made my peace with it. Unfortunately, the ever-more cephalopodic nature of internet algorithms has led to a situation I did not foresee, and I now find myself faced with the necessity of committing civil disobedience to the Law of Unintended Consequences.

In a nutshell, I'm being stalked by the RNC.  Here's a look at my email inbox:

Sure, I could just flag all these as spam and be done with it, but most of the letters achieve such a desperate tone that I'm afraid any rejection might drive their authors to do something desperate. For instance, Sara Armstrong, Chief Operating Officer of the RNC is suffering from the delusion that George W. Bush was real, and not a ghost story told around campfires to frighten Cub Scouts. Fortunately, there's a cure for her condition -- robust T-shirt sales -- but thanks to Obamacare it doesn't come cheap.

Scott, 

Resolute and decisive.

I'll take "British Warship Names" for 200, Alex.

 That’s what I remember when I think of the leadership of President George W. Bush. He led our nation through some of the most challenging moments of our nation’s history.

I'll go even further. His leadership made even some of our nation's most mundane moments seem challenging.

He led.

Add an "i" to that sentence and I'll agree.

The President we have today thinks our country should “lead from behind” and has significantly diminished the United States’ standing in the world — and worse, he has made us less safe.

Worst of all, this President doesn't agree that quotation marks should no longer be used to indicate actual quotes, but instead be sprinkled randomly through a paragraph as decorative "Freedom Dimples."

I miss the leadership of President George W. Bush. And I miss him.

I'll say what I always do whenever someone starts mooning over their ex: "You're better off without him."

I had the privilege of serving in his White House, and I saw the character that he and his family provided our nation. I will be forever grateful for their service.

Hm, let's check Sara's bio, and see from what lofty perch she observed Bush momentously lead our nation through some of our nation's most challenging moments:

Deputy Chief of Staff Sara Armstrong Director of membership services at the RNC

Her duties including calling anyone who wants to cancel their membership and demanding, "Why is it that you're not wanting to have the No. 1-rated political party with 34% approval rating available?"

Worked at the White House from June 2002 to Jan. 2009. Special Assistant to the President

"Thanks honey, but next time make it two sugars."

 and Deputy Chief of Staff to First Lady Laura Bush

"Thanks hon, but next time skip the sugar and add two fingers of Old Crow."

Director of the Visitors Office;

She lovingly made out Jeff Gannon's press pass each day.

 Deputy Director of Correspondence for the First Lady

i.e., "Wrote Mrs. Bush's Thank You cards"

Correspondence Analyst

i.e., "Read the Thank You cards other people sent to Mrs. Bush." Presumably with the First Lady's permission, but judging by the six emails I've gotten from Sara over the last five days, asking if I've read the previous half dozen emails, she is a trifle nosy.  Anyway, bona fides established! On with today's pitch:

Tomorrow is President George W. Bush’s Birthday. It’s a moment that has reminded us of what leadership in the White House really looks like.

Because real leadership looks like a birthday party?  Whenever I feel uncertain about the direction our country is taking, I like to imagine President Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, and Condoleeza Rice sitting around a conference table in the Situation Room, wearing festive party hats and looking resolute.

Fortunately, Sara's wistful mood of regret can be assuaged by ordering this "I Miss W" tee:

The perfect compliment to a friend or loved one wearing an "I'm With Stupid" shirt.

We Get Stacks and Stacks of Letters

I get a lot of email, most of it unsolicited testimonials for products which don't exist (penis enlargement pills) or which I don't need (uh...penis enlargement pills!).  Some of it comes in the form of marketing for commonplace products, such as fad diets, undermined by delightful misspellings ("Eat This...And Never Die Again!", while others are merely poorly targeted sales appeals for otherwise legitimate products, such as the persistent (and vaguely threatening) reminders I've received lately that a person in my position really ought to take out a reasonable amount of nautical collision insurance.  But rarely do my unknown correspondents ask me about myself; and since posing questions is the mark of a good conversationalist, I thought I should single out the few who really took the time to learn what makes me, Scott Clevenger, tick.

Unfortunately, the question I received today is not one of those casual, light-hearted queries you could imagine Deborah Kerr asking during the "Getting to Know You" number from The King and I . It is, in fact, a serious question, and its seriousness is underscored by following the question with the word "serious" between parentheses, which I just now realized is an entirely different form of punctuation than underscoring, but dammit, there's some (serious) shit going down, and I can't afford to get bogged down in your Shift Key Characters and your Strunks and your Whites! In fact, we've already wasted enough time, and I still have to get quotes over the phone from at least three reputable marine underwriters, just in case I mow down a waterskiing group of Go-Gos with my cigarette boat, so let's just deal with the big issue, the elephant in the room here:

If you do, then the elephant is superfluous. If you don't, then the elephant will unquestionably help you to reach your quota, but then you'll be faced with another question: to shovel its manure, or give up show business.

Hello Scott,

Please excuse the somewhat personal nature of this email, 

Hello, Poopologist Pete! (Since we're being so chummy and personal here, I figured you wouldn't mind if I dubbed you with a pet name. Feel free to call me No-Shit Scott.)

but the information we are about to share below is extremely important for both you and your digestive health.

I gotta admit, your phrasing concerns me, Pete. If there's anything I've learned from Tea Party pols and wingnut pundits, it's that "women's reproductive health" doesn't mean what it says, but is actually a synonym for abortion, therefore I worry that the same is true of "digestive health," and in this scenario the feces is the fetus, so my rights don't matter because your only concern is that I bring every turd to term.

You may not think that you're constipated, but in reality, it is VERY likely that you ARE.

This isn't argument, it's contradiction! Nevertheless, it'll probably make a better than average episode of Crossfire. "On the right! An email scam! On the left! Some blogger's blocked-up colon!"

You see, constipation is not simply "not being able to go", or only eliminating once a week...that's severe constipation. The truth is, a healthy digestive system should be eliminating after every meal.

In fact, if you're waiting until after the meal to release the bounty of your bowels, you're toying with death, so play it safe and shit yourself during the dessert course!

Are you moving your bowels several times a day, once for every meal you eat? 

Well, I certainly move myself several times a day (usually to the kitchen or the living room sofa), and whither I go, goest my bowels, because -- and forgive me for boasting -- I have a very Story of Ruth-style relationship with my lower G.I. tract.

If not, you are suffering from constipation, which will cause a build up of toxins and undigested, rotten, putrid food in your digestive system.

Unfortunately, thanks to a reduction of USDA food inspections going back to the Reagan Administration, that's pretty much the way it goes in.

This can make it much harder for you to lose fat while also wreaking havoc on your digestive system and overall health...really bad stuff. 

But is bad stuff better or worse than (serious stuff)? Maybe (serious stuff) is not as bad because it's only a parenthetical, or perhaps the punctuation marks are like the French horns in Peter and the Wolf, only in this case the parentheses represent your crap-choked colon?

Just imagine all that rotted, disgusting food sitting there in your digestive system...yuck!

You don't get a lot of second dates, do you?

Fortunately, this can be corrected rather quickly, with a few simple steps:

CLICK HERE==> 4 tips for healthy digestion and regular bowel movements

I didn't actually click the link, because I think I've got the gist: brush your teeth twice a day, but defecate after every meal. And don't just relieve yourself, really let go, punch that toilet water like a depth charge, hose down the stall walls like your anus was a Wagner Power Painter. And when you're finished, don't light a match, because lingering bathroom odors keep the Grim Reaper away.

I realize this topic is a little outside our normal bailiwick, but I thought it was an important PSA.

The Lords of COBOL

I just received this extremely urgent communique from Sara Armstrong, RNC Chief Operating Officer, informing me -- with a foot-tapping, arms-crossed, barely controlled impatience -- that the Affordable Care Act would have been repealed already if I'd just been a little more diligent about checking my spam folder!

We’re waiting on your signature

Scott,

We are minutes away from sending our Freedom of Information Act letter to the Obama Administration demanding answers as to why the ObamaCare website still doesn't work. 

But we're waiting on your signature to send it. 

I'm sorry, Sara.  I've been clicking on your link to GOP.com, but it keeps timing out and crashing.

We just found out that the enrollment records of about 15,000 people, who thought they'd signed up for insurance on the ObamaCare website, did not get transmitted to the insurance companies.

Thank goodness you're on the job, Sara.  To paraphrase conservative hero Tom Joad, "Wherever there's a fight, so hungry people can eat, I'll be there, accusing them of playing the Knockout Game. Wherever there's a cop beatin' up on a guy, I'll be there, stealing pictures from the victim's Facebook page to prove he's a hoodie-wearning thug.  And wherever there's a laid off guy or a kid with a pre-existing condition who might get health insurance, I'll be there, blasting out alarmist fundraising demands so we can stop that shit cold."

The Obama Administration failed to fix the critical feature on the ObamaCare website that makes this transfer. And as a result, thousands of Americans still aren't enrolled.

Yeah, but...that's what you want, isn't it?  I mean, the Koch Brothers alone are spending millions of dollars to persuade people not to sign up for healthcare, therefore you ought to be in favor of anything which hampers the application process.  So I guess my question is: just what the hell am I signing?  Is it a petition demanding improved website performance (and if so, I'm probably the wrong person to spearhead this project, since I know less than nothing about computer languages.  To take one illustrative example, a friend mentioned that Grace Hopper was honored on the Google homepage the other day, and started talking about COBOL, and I couldn't figure out if he meant that planet in Mormonism where God lives [which Google tells me is actually Kolob], or that planet in Battlestar Galactica where all the gods live [here I was a little warmer, since that one turned out to be Kobol]), or is it just a proclamation that says "nyah-nyah-nyah," or perhaps, "neener-neener-neener," like we're all gathering in the conference room to sign a birthday card for a coworker, but being huge dicks about it?

This is just the tip of the iceberg. We must demand the Obama Administration release the real ObamaCare figures -- not just the ones that sound or look good for the Democrats.

Well why didn't you say so?  I've got those figures right here...they're 36-23-26.  Exactly the same as Marilyn Monroe, which is why Democrats find the Affordable Care Act so fuckable.

Barack Obama needs to stop lying to the American people. Clearly the ObamaCare website still is not "fixed" or functional.

All evidence to the contrary (California alone is signing people up at a rate of 15,000 a day, so the 15,000 whose information didn't make it to the insurance companies should be cancelled out, oh, about...now).  Not that the high bullshit content of your panhandling appeal excuses my holding up the whole thing with my tardy signature.

Join us in demanding the truth today -- sign our "Freedom of Information Act" letter.

I gotta say, Sara, you've been brutally honest about my lazy autographing, and I appreciate the tough love, so I'm going to be equally frank with you, and say that like Georgia Congressman Jack Kingston, who doesn't believe in a free lunch, I don't believe in free information.  If you want these enrollment figures, you should earn them by sweeping up an elementary school cafeteria, just to guarantee that you learn the kind of work ethic that'll keep you out of jail and off the dole.

Thanks, 

Sara Armstrong
RNC Chief Operating Officer

Contribute Now

You're welcome.  Unfortunately, I can't offer you any money (things are tight, and it's the holidays), so please consider this post my humble contribution.

Gone Phishin'

Well, not to go all Jimmy from I Accuse My Parents, but it's my birthday, so I'm taking the day off from the Internet!  (Largely because I woke up and discovered our Internet service is out).  Anyway our regular "Sundays With S.Z." feature will be postponed this week, because I can't comb through the archives on my phone without getting a migraine.

Y'know, it's embarrassing to admit, but thanks to those weekly trips in the Wayback Machine, I've gotten so nostalgic for some of the classic, language-mangling wingnuts like Pastor Swank, or Kaye Grogan, or Mary Grabar, that I've taken to actually opening and reading my email spam just to get a fix.

This time it's Mike Tolbert, of the United Nations Development Programme, writing to me from "Plot 617/618" in the "Diplomatic Zone" (as you may recall, the last improbably named Nigerian to offer me a multimillion dollar ATM card, Mr. Robin Hood, was located in the "Cad Astral Zone," so if you'd like a fortune in unearned cash, just go to a Zone -- they're giving it away).  Anyhow, judging by Mike's address, he's apparently dead and buried, but still concerned about my lottery winnings:

We are pleased to inform you your ATM Card total ($2Million United State Dollar) and some other items was brought to our office by the United Nation Organization via a Lottery Fiduciary Claim Agent, signifying that you are a rightful winner to their Lottery Award Promo selected randomly.

Which is all well and good, but it's the typical thing, and I was just about to close the mail app and move on with my life when I saw the following sentence:

Your e-mail address was among the 5 lucky email addresses which make your email address as one of the lucky email address and they have decided to send it to you by Diploma.

I don't know about you, but I think that deserves prime exhibit space in the Hall of Tautologies in the circular Ourouboros Wing of the Pastor Swank Museum of the Language English.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to Auto Zone to pick up a couple million for the weekend.

(Phew! Internet connection spotty and slow, but sorta kinda working again)