As most Crappers know, Chris Vosburg is a veteran and valued member of the community, a source of wisdom and trivia in comments, and an occasional correspondent here on the front page, so naturally we wanted to get him something nice this year, and I think I've found the perfect thing: GOP Homicide Swag!
As you know, Reince Priebus has been stalking me ever since a deliriously romantic one night stand turned bitter when I began to decline his calls and ignore his fundraising appeals. (But I did it for you, Reince, because after what we shared, I thought giving you money would make you feel like a whore.) However, I failed to realize that "whore" is the Chairman's factory standard setting, and rather than sparing him an insult, I was interfering with his business model. So not only is he crouching in my shrubs, he's gotten all his girlfriends to send me shaming emails.
Scott, the Chairman was asking about youDid you tell him I like him? Don't tell him I like him!
I'm about to step in a meeting with the Chairman to go over our plan for the final three days before the election. And I know he's going to ask me if you have contributed yet.Well, I contributed to his sperm bank, if you know what I mean.
Scott, can I give him your name as a donor to the Final Election Day Voter Fund?Look, he's already got my name as a Potential Booty Call if Lindsey Graham is Washing His Hair, and I don't want to clutter up his Rolodex.
Seeing that his Mean Girls weren't getting it done, however, Reince tried to bribe me with baubles:
Just like in sports, when the season is on the line, you put on the gear that shows what team you are on.Yes, but what if you don't suffer the delusion that you're a member of your favorite professional sports team, and realize that suiting up before the big game will just get you tossed out of the locker room and cited for trespassing?
That's why we are rolling out the GOP's newest product: an American-made, full-zip hoodie.
Waiiiiiiit a minute! Why would Reince entice me to add Thugwear to my trousseau, unless he secretly wants me to get shot by a cop! Has he really given up on our love, and moved on to the "If I can't have you, nobody can!" stage?
Apparently so, because next he dangled this GOP dunce cap before my dazzled eyes:
So anyway, I'm going into the witness production program until the election is over, because if there's one thing I fear more than death, it's dying as the result of a half-assed, passive-aggressive plot that requires me to pay shipping and handling. But before I go, let's close with a shot of Vosburg approved B-Movie babe Allison Hayes sitting too close to the TV...
Stop that Allison, you'll ruin your eyes!
And finally, for our Sexy Birthday Lizard, we have a SBL that's actually a SBL: the Side-Blotched Lizard of Catalina Island, where Chris misspent much of his youth: