Monday, March 28, 2016

The Evolution of Advertising

Yesterday's Squirt, and today's...

I was going to say that the modern Squirt is a bit more blunt in its messaging, but then I took a second look and had to admit -- that one on the left isn't exactly subtle...

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Saturday, March 26, 2016

Post-Show, Pre-Hangover

We'll soon be doing a major, guest-filled autopsy of Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice, but last night, after we'd both returned home from seeing it in our respective time zones, Jeff and I sat down and recorded some (mostly) spoiler-free free association and first impressions. And based on that brief, half-hour chat, my brother Miles came up with the perfect poster for the movie:
Helping a hot mess since 1911

Click here to check it out:
Zack Snyder Wins an Award

Otherwise Known As 
“Holland V Clevenger: Dawn of Podcast”
And if you haven't seen it yet, ease on down to the post below and enjoy Bill S.'s annual birthday tribute to Mary. It involves a talking toilet -- but then, you'd expect no less.

Happy Birthday, MaryC!

By Bill S.

Once again, it's time to extend a warm "Happy Birthday" wish to the ever wonderful MaryC. But what would be a suitable gift? In past years, I've searched the pages of the ever reliable Carol Wright Gifts catalogs, but I recently received another one, intriguingly titled "Jonson Smith's THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW EXISTED..."

And, boy howdy, they weren't kidding. Until I looked at it, I had no idea how much merchandise there was geared to Freemasons. Which raises the following question: "How the hell did I wind up on a mailing list for a catalog that sells that crap?"

They had other items too, of course, including books celebrating the work of two geniuses from MAD magazine, Don Martin and Frank Jacobs. I wouldn't mind getting those myself. But I'm not shopping for me (isn't that always the way? You go shopping for a gift, and see stuff you want?)

Let's see what other selections are available:

NRA T-Shirts

"Keeping Good People Free And Bad People At Bay"($17.99-$19.96)

"You Can Never Have Enough Ammo Or Too Much Practice" ($17.99-$19.98)

These shirts are useful in helping identify people you want to avoid at a party or anywhere else.


"A must-have, year-round staple! Completely stuffed 6-ft.tall dummy has a soft pliable cloth body and head with life like polyurethane hands. ...Outfit not included"

Um, yeah, people are buying this for decorative purposes. Yep. That's it.

You can get ones with Obama or Hillary. Set of 3 Rolls (3-ply) ($16.98)

Your right wing friends will laugh as they wipe their butts on images of the President and Presidential hopeful. Your left wing friends will also the moron who spent $16.98 (plus a shipping charge) on three freakin' rolls of toilet paper.

and on a related note...


"Take your potty humor up a notch! This cheeky little turd is sure to make a splash with his 'swirling' rendition of "The Diarrhea Song" and 12 hilarious poop-themed one-liners. Push the handle for flushing sound effects, and lift the seat for some of Tommy the Turd's washroom wisdom and commode crooning....WARNING: Choking hazard-small parts. Not for children under three years."

Choking hazard? Um....I'm not even putting this within a hundred feet of my mouth.


There must be a cheaper way to signal to the world that you're a douche.


"Insert beer bottle neck into opening, tilt slightly and pull out. Action triggers a shotgun blast sound, and your 'twist off' bottle cap is removed!"

And your neighbors call the cops during your next party, because they think there's a gangland slaying going on. Fun!


Throw in a creepy animatronic baby and you've got something!


"True stories of famous streetwalkers, pimps, call girls and rent boys! This book offers a revealing look at the men and women who have blazed the bawdy trail of prostitution since the dawn of time. Includes plenty of details (and celebrities like Bob Dylan, Nancy Reagan and Al Pacino) that will leave you in awe."

For sure. I knew Bob Dylan was a music pioneer, but I wouldn't have guessed he'd made any trailblazing discoveries in prostitution. And Nancy Reagan? Gosh, why was that left out of her obituary?


"Smuggle your booze anywhere inside this clever flask that looks like an ordinary tube of sunscreen. Easy to fill, easy to hide at the beach, pool, concerts, amusement parks, etc."

Nobody will suspect you've got booze, they'll just think you like drinking sunscreen, which is perfectly normal. Especially if you're sitting in the living room. I don't think I need to look anymore, this one's the winner.


Sexy Birthday Lizard!

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Bert I. Gordon Presents: Ted Cruz!

[Note: Stolen from s.z.'s Facebook page...]
“It is standard law enforcement — it is good law enforcement to focus on where threats are emanating from, and anywhere where there is a locust of radicalization, where there is an expending presence of radical Islamic terrorism,” Cruz told reporters on Tuesday evening in Manhattan.
"A locust of radicalization." Does Cruz mean "locus," or he is talking about something from "The Beginning of the End"?


Scott: I wonder if Senator Cruz didn't Freudianly slip and accidentally reveal some personal information. Perhaps, like the Vincent D'Onofrio character in Men in Black, it's Cruz who's actually a locust, disguised in an ill-fitting human skin and preparing to lead a vanguard of alien insects in a conquest of the United States!

On the bright side, that would certainly solve our immigration problems, because who'd want to come to a country overrun with gigantic bugs dressed up in pantomime person costumes?  No one! I bet our tourist industry would go to hell too, and maps would quickly begin to resemble medieval cartography, where the edge of the known world was demarcated by an etching of a monster and the warning, "Here Be Dragons", except the U.S. would just be a big outline with a lovingly illuminated, if smirking, grasshopper and the legend, "Gives You The Willies", or "Here Be The Heebie-Jeebies."

Monday, March 21, 2016

Pontius Priebus: A Parable

[Note: The following was inspired by a conversation Mary and I had about Palm Sunday. Please don't ask me to trace the course of this chat back through the many hairpins, doglegs, and cul-de-sacs to its point of origin, because I have learned over the past twenty years that that way lies madness. Thank you.]

So I've always figured that if you go into politics, you may not get what you deserve, but you deserve what you get, whether you're a Roman Senator or a hustling ward-heeler. But I do feel a modicum of sympathy for bureaucrats. Sure, they can also be social climbing careerists who get promoted above the maximum ceiling of their competence through seniority, patronage, or graft, but you could say the same thing about the private sector, and unlike your average Banker Bro, the world financial system is not likely to be crashed by the guy who runs the Motor Vehicle Department in American Samoa. (I tried to find out who that person actually was, but while there was a link to the MVD, the American Samoan government apparently didn't pay their Go Daddy bill, because it just opens a page that says "This Account has been suspended.  Contact your hosting provider for more information." But hey, I've had my utilities turned off a time or two, so rest assured that I'm not pointing fingers, American Samoa. I just don't think you should necessarily be in charge of the World Bank.)

Anyway, my point is that I empathize with the plight of Joe Bureaucrat, who has to do the unglamorous work of making a system designed by egomaniacs and idiots actually function on a day to day basis. Which brings me to Pontius Pilate.

Pilate was basically the First Century AD version of Michael Brown, the head of FEMA during George W. Bush's administration. Like Brown, whose previous experience was running the International Arabian Horse Association, Pilate was a member of the equestrian class, had powerful connections, and went largely unnoticed until a crisis hit and his professional shortcomings were suddenly exposed. (I have to give Pilate the advantage here, however, since Hurricane Katrina claimed over 1800 lives, while Jesus' plastic hassle with the Sanhedrin claimed only one. True, Brown didn't kill God, as a lot of Christians believed Pilate did, but in Pilate's defense, a lot of those Christians have historically preferred to blame the Jews anyway; and besides, that one death didn't even stick.)

So let's put ourselves in Pilate's place. He doesn't care about Jews squabbling over the finer points of their weird religion (it's only got one god, so what's there to fight about? It can't even provide decent dorm room bull session fodder, like "Who would win in a fight, Jupiter or Mars?"). He doesn't think Jesus is a criminal, let alone that he deserves the death penalty. But it's Passover, everybody's touchy, and the last thing Pilate needs is an uprising on his watch. So he pulls out his old Monopoly game and basically stacks the deck so that Christ will pull the Get Out of Jail Free Card.

[Note: for the purposes of this playlet, Pilate will be played by Claude Rains.]

PILATE: Happy Passover! I hope everyone is enjoying their big crackers and salty parsley, or whatever. As you know, it's our custom every year at this time to release one prisoner, chosen by you, the audience, and judged by this complicated brass applause meter from Antikythera. Now...

[PILATE gently steers JESUS forward]

PILATE: You can either have this small town rabbi who's got a great healthcare plan for the lepers, but with whom one or two of you might have the teensiest bit of doctrinal differences, or...

[Disdainfully nudges forward a filthy, glowering brute with the toe of his sandal]

PILATE: You can have this MURDERER...!

CROWD:  We'll take the murderer!

PILATE: What! Why?

CROWD: We like the cut of his jib!

[Pilate gives the crowd some patented Claude Rains side-eye]

PILATE: Jib? What jib? We're in the desert.

CROWD: We were misinformed!

Tough day at the office, right? And this is how I imagine things going for Reince Priebus ever since Donald Trump got into the race. Reince doesn't want to involve himself in the hairsplitting arguments between the candidates, let alone appear to arbitrate them, but he'd clearly prefer the mob come to a certain conclusion.

[Note: for the purposes of this playlet, Priebus will be played by Arnold Stang.]

PRIEBUS: Heyyyyy, Republican voters! Hope everyone's having a good primary season. Say, just a quick show of hands, no pressure, but would you fine folks prefer a tested conservative with executive experience...?

(REINCE jerks his head toward Jeb Bush and Scott Walker so hard he appears to be suffering from St. Vitus Dance)

PRIEBUS: Or a man whose spray tan is the color of an Orange Julius after a bum peed in it?

GOP PRIMARY VOTERS: We'll take the urine-infused beverage from a food court!

[REINCE hangs his head, goes off to check the trades to see if anyone is thinking of rebooting Top Cat.]

I know, times are hard, and frankly, I could use a job, but I don't think I could take this one. At least not with a straight face.

Saturday, March 19, 2016

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The Product Placement Edition

SHADOW: AUGH! What's that?!

MOONDOGGIE: ZZZzzz--Huh?...Oh. That. Don't worry about it, kid, that's just shameless self-promotion. You'll get used to it.

Two weeks have passed (I know, right? They just flew by), which means it's time once again for The Slumgullion, and if you've been thinking of giving our humble podcast a listen, this would be the one to try.  First of all, it's shorter than usual. Second, Jeff and I are joined by the delightful dirty book author, Indy McDaniel. And I have it on good authority that it's pretty funny.

In episode 4,  Jeff and suave raconteur Indy try to break my Buckingham Palace Guard-like composure using nothing but ordinary table salt and Kanye West. We talk about the World's Greatest Heist Films, and fight to the death over which of us has the unhealthiest fixation on J.K. Simmons.  And I pass on Hank Parmer's demand to Jeff that he sing the first song from his musical version of the 1972 film Frogs ("Today the Pond, Tomorrow the World!"). 

The film for today's Unknown Movie Challenge is Turbo Kid (trailer rated Probably NSFW due to cartoon gore and excessive Michael Ironside) a flawless homage to the low budget post-apocalyptic sci-fi action pics made by Cannon Films (these were basically the dystopian YA of the Eighties). Talk is talked of it, and it is good, and it is funny. Please click the link and give it a listen: 


Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Happy Birthday to Bill and The Minx from me too

I just saw this in my Facebook feed and wanted to share it with you, because apparently the criteria for getting into heaven or hell has changed recently.

Are You Too Smart For Clickbait? Take This Quiz!

Today is the birthday of longtime Crapper The Minx, and Wo'C Cub Reporter Bill S. (check out his many witty posts in the Bill S.ssays tab on your right), so I've been wading through wingnuts all evening, trying to find someone -- anyone -- who isn't so aroused by the violence surrounding Donald Trump's campaign that they're calling for a Beer Hall Putsch (because beer goes straight to my hips, so the best I could do is an Amstel Light Putsch, and even then I'd have to avoid the Vienna Frank fondue and just have some celery sticks, or maybe a handful of Craisins).

But then s.z. very kindly wrote her own version of those pop quizzes for which Facebook is so justly famous (you know the ones -- Which Cowsill Are You?, or How Well Do You Really Know Larry Hovis?) and I figured taking it would be a lot more fun than reading Pat Buchanan's syndicated column demanding lebensraum for his jowls.

How Smart Are You?

Take this quiz and find out. Most of your friends will only get 1-2 answers right. Albert Einstein only got 6 questions right. How will you do?

1. YOU are the bus driver. 3 passengers get on. 1 gets off. 4 more get on. 5 get off. Now answer quickly: the wheels on the bus go round and -------?

2. Which is not one of the 50 states in the United States of America?
a. North Dakota
b. West Virginia
c. New Mexico
d. Home Depot

3. If two's company and three's a crowd, what are four and five?
a. Nine
b. Ten

4. On the TV show "19 Kids and Counting," what were they counting?
a. Fingers and toes
b. Sweet reality show money
c. Criminal offenses and sins
d. Crows

5. "I" before "E" except after
a. "B"
b. me
c. "C"
d. An archbishop or baronet

6. In poker, the only hand that beats a straight flush is:
a. Four of a kind
b. A royal flush
c. A full house
d. A Fuller House, starring the original cast except for the Olsen twins, who are dead or something

7. Presidential candidate Donald Trump is the incumbant senator from:
a. East Virginia
b. Freedonia
c. Shutter Island
d. None of the above
e. Just Another Brick in the Wall

8. There was a farmer had a dog and _____ was his name-o.
a. B-i-n-g-o
b. B-i-n-g clap
c. B-i-n clap clap
d. Bing search engine, which is every bit as good as Google.

9. I'm thinking of a number.
a. three
b. It's three

10. Energy equals mass multiplied by:
a. The speed of light squared
b. Four-Hour Energy drink
c. A threat from your boss
d. Meth

Please tally up your score and let us know how you did in the comments. If you didn't do well, make up your own questions and put those in the comments, and then when we can't answer them, we'll be the ones who look like morons.

And now...time for dessert! Bill was good enough to not only message me with beefcake suggestions, but even suggest a theme -- O! Canada!, in honor of the state visit by Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau the Younger and Hotter. So as requested, here's Maple Leafer Ryan Reynolds...
Hey, girl. How do you like my segmented thorax?

The Minx didn't submit a request this year, so I'm going to default, as is my wont, to Golden Age Hollywood, and offer up this lovely portrait of a young Loretta Young...
Um, sir? I don't mean to get personal, but your pants appear to have exploded...

All right, put on your party hats, 'cause we're bringin' out the cake...!
No, you're not dreaming! It really is that tuna and mayonnaise Jello all the kids have been talking about (and don't think we skimped on the chopped pimiento!).  The curious thing about this dessert is that the directions say "Yield: 4 to 6 servings", and yet, even when you've served all 4 to 6 of your guests, you'll find you still have 4 to 6 servings left.  Some quirk of quantum mechanics, I guess, and probably why physicists refer to this dish as "Schrödinger's cat food."

Please join me in wishing The Minx and Bill S. (or Bill S! as he is legally known on this date) a very happy natal anniversary. And now...enjoy our traditional...
Sexy Birthday Lizard!

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The "MOM! She's TOUCHING Me!" Edition

SHADOW: Hey, check it out. I'm touchin' his butt.

MOONDOGGIE:  Stop that!

SHADOW: What're you gonna do about it?


MOONDOGGIE: ...Something!

SHADOW:  You'd have to move.


MOONDOGGIE: (SIGHS)  Down and to the left.

Saturday, March 12, 2016

Accepting the Award for Art Direction...

Amazon thought I would enjoy this book and sent me a recommendation, but I'm not so sure...

At least judging by the cover, which seems to depict a typically hardboiled private dick, parting with unusually sweet sorrow from his morning bowel movement.

"We had some good times..."

"Bob! Let it go."

"That corn was so crunchy and delicious..."


So It Begins

Remember Joementum? Surging Santorum? Well, get ready for the Cruz Ooze.

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Happy Birthday Fearguth! I Got You a Rack O' Roth!

As the title implies, today is the natal anniversary of long time (and I mean looooong time) Crapper, Fearguth. As those who follow him on Facebook and Twitter (where he uses his real name, although I'm not sure if he's out and proud here, so I'll just call him...Um..."John"...) know, "John" is a witty, irreverent, politically astute elder statesman with a voracious hunger for, and startlingly vast experience of, all kinds of live music.  To the point where I'd love to see him meet one of those types who, whenever a band is brought up, always have to say, "Oh I saw them play a dive bar before they even had a record deal," because I'm willing to bet, Mr. Hypothetical Jerk I Just Made Up, that "John" not only saw them live before you saw them live, he probably saw them live before you were alive.

And now that I've asserted my dominance over a straw man in proper Trumpian fashion, there's the little matter of "John's" gift.  Or actually, "John's" "gift."  And speaking of Trump, here's "Dr." Laurie Roth, who in addition to being a frequent, if unwilling and probably unwitting visitor to Wo'C (see here, here, here, here, here, etc.) is also a former disco-era recording artist, a former Presidential candidate, and the former "Annie Oakley of the airwaves" who hosted a radio talk show while, I presume, shooting lit cigarettes out of the mouths of carnies.

RenewAmerica, where Dr. Roth has been hanging her shingle the past few years is, like American Thinker and World Net Daily and even the staid Townhall, in the midst of a Hatfield and McCoys-style feud between those who believe Donald Trump's ascendance will lead to the Republican Party destroying itself from within, and those who believe the GOP will survive long enough to kill the rest of us first. So unlike most election years, in which we must hold our nose and vote for the lesser of two evils, this time we as a nation have a choice between suicide, and murder-suicide.
A suicide pact: A GOP brokered convention
Though it has been nearly 70 years since the GOP has had a brokered convention, the establishment is leaking and screaming that they may do just that.
Well, if the establishment is both leaking and screaming then we'll need two Poise pads -- one to use as a panty liner, and one as a gag.
...So, the brokered convention rumors are pushed on the people like a deadly octopus intending to squeeze the voice and freedom out of the GOP voters. 
I don't know if you've ever had the freedom squeezed out of you by a rumor, but take it from me, it's no picnic. The last time it happened it left embarrassing sucker marks all over my scuttlebutt.
Magically, the desperate establishment pulls their sterile and "dead to the world" trump card out of the hat – Mitt Romney. 
But we have the fecund and "brain dead to the world" actual Trump, which beats Romney's trump card, even though -- being a Mormon -- he has a full house, because we're liberals and control the media, so we have a Fuller House, streaming now on Netflix. 
You know, the one who Trump endorsed back in 2012 when he was running for president. Many millions have heard the speech of Romney thanking and complimenting Trump. 
To be fair, he did pay back the endorsement with a blowjob, according to Trump.
How, the "Judas" trail turns from support to betrayal and lies.
I hiked the Judas trail once. Not nearly as much trim as you get on the Appalachian Trail, but I took a metal detector with me and made like 30 bucks!
We have watched the pretend "non interest of a run" by Mitt Romney if Trump prevails. Suddenly, he is acting if there is a brokered convention and no other option to get rid of Trump, Mitt would comply as a candidate. 
Mitt has to be careful about another run, because if he fails again he'd be a three time loser, which under current sentencing guidelines would make him eligible for the death penalty.  (Although if I were an orthodox Mormon, I'd be totally down for that, because why run for President of one puny country when you can die and they hand you the pink slip to an entire planet? Forget checks and balances, I would totally go Thanos the Mad Titan on their asses the instant I stepped off the space ship...)
He will throw himself under the GOP bus and reluctantly become a presidential candidate. 
Well, that'll make for a refreshingly brief campaign season.  "If nominated, I will not run, but I will get run over."
Aren't you all shocked?
After 13 years of reading RenewAmerica it takes a lot more than your fever dreams and fractured syntax, sister.
sorry, my bad, I meant stiff- Mitt Romney, but they are.
It's 2016! Every potential President gets his own dick joke!
So, assuming Trump wins most of the delegates and his dreaded supporters build to millions more and the GOP pulls a brokered convention? What will the majority of people and Trump do? 
I think the real question here is, what will the giant, tentacled rumor do? First I imagine it'll awaken from its slumber in the undersea city of R'lyeh, then it'll get to devourin'. But I've been to a lot of Thanksgiving dinners, and I'm guessing that after the first million or so Trump supporters, it'll get gassy and bloated and just want to loosen its slacks and go sit on the couch and watch the Steelers game.
For the good of the country and winning against Hillary will all get behind whom the GOP picks – perhaps stiff-Romney? I say, No, No, and triple No. 
On the bright side, according to Frank Luntz's latest polls, flaccid-Romney only gets a double No.
If the GOP pulls the dreaded brokered convention, mega millions of us will place the GOP behind Obama and Hillary – the anti-America, voter, and freedom attackers where they belong. 
Good, it's about time. I only moved to this country because it had built-in closet organizers and lots of storage space.
I predict it will be a suicide blow to the GOP. 
A "suicide blow", eh? Is it even possible to pole-axe oneself? I'm no expert, but it sounds a lot more labor intensive than a gun or a fistful of Seconal.  Not that I want to discourage the GOP from repeatedly trying to hit itself on the head with a hammer hard enough to kill itself; I ask only that it wait a moment while I find the camera.
The angry and fragile list of millions will be all right but not the supporter part.
Our jockstraps are in mortal danger!
 I predict this will finally launch the insurant class – the independent ticket right behind a Donald Trump win. Bring it, oh, arrogant ones and see what happens.
It's ironic that the arrogant ones will finally be brought down by the "insurants", since the latter are often so smug about how they saved 15% or more with Geico.
Having never in my conservative media life as a former conservative national radio host for 16 years and a commentator, voted for any president but a Republican.
Having often in my life as a reader of conservative media for 13 years have I had to work so hard to reach the end of a sentence.  
I will leave and go Independent. 
I admire your ambition, but based on past performance I predict you'll stay and go crazy.

So there we are. But before we leave and go Independent, we have a special guest with us here tonight, all the way from Texas:
Sexy Birthday Lizard, livin' large on a log!

Happy birthday, Fearguth. May your concerts be many, your t-shirts be tie-dyed, and your tinnitus be timid!

Sunday, March 6, 2016

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The "No More Cable TV for YOU" Edition

ME: C'mon guys, look up. I want to get a nice picture of you two.
SHADOW: Never! I'm like the Predator...When I close my eyes, I vanish!

ME: Um, that's not how that--
SHADOW: Zing! Ba-boom! I'm gone!

ME: You're still right here--
SHADOW: Augh! It can see me! Get to the CHOPPAH!

ME: Wait, if you're the Predator, then shouldn't I be the one getting to the choppah?
SHADOW: Oh you'd like that, wouldn't you? I bet the choppah's really nice, too. Probably has rich Corinthian leather and free refreshments. Well I'm sick of you hogging the choppah all the time!

ME: This is literally the first time the choppah has come up in--
SHADOW: Orange Guy! Get to the CHOPPAH!
MOONDOGGIE: Zzzzzzzzzzzzz...

SHADOW: (Sigh)  All right, fine, forget the choppah. I just want my own human skull collection. Is that so wrong?

[Please check out the new Slumgullion podcast. Link in the post below]

Saturday, March 5, 2016

The Slumgullion Ep 3: Ask Your Doctor if Christian Bale is Right For You

New Podcast! (And a preview of our album cover art, courtesy of Geekplanet overlord Matt Dillon. Eat your heart out, Peter Max!)

In The Slumgullion, Episode 3, I present my theory about the deep thematic connection between Pumpkinhead and La Traviata, while Jeff is writing a musical about Frogs (toads) and demands that dancing zombies be close captioned for the hearing impaired. We namecheck World O' Crap's own Hank (grouchomarxist) Parmer and his definitive review of Frogs (toads), although we call him Henry Parmer, because he's an author and we're snooty that way. And finally, Jeff and I take the dreaded Unknown Movie Challenge with the 2002 Christian Bale head-scratcher, Equilibrium (or as we like to think of it, the world's only pro-depression antidepressant).

Please give it a listen, and let us know what you think here in the comments.

New beast blogging tomorrow.