Wondah Womaaaaan!

[Note: I just found this in my Drafts folder, where it's been sitting since November. Not sure why I never posted it, but it's probably because I'm a post-modern moron.]

No, Wonder Woman is not queer. You’re just a post-modern moron

See? Thanks for clearing that up, Steve Deace.

Wait..."Who's Steve Deace?" I hear you ask. "Never mind!" I hear you add, but a fraction of a second too late, because I've already got his bio here:

“[Steve Deace] is a rising star” that represents “the next generation in conservative media."

And here he is now, in thoughtful repose.  Hmmm...Is he picking his nose? Or just thinking? Or just thinking about picking his nose? The world may never know...

Anyway, Steve's the host of one of those vein-bursting right wing monologue shows, a frequent "guest pundit" on TV, and a "prolific writer" for a bunch of sites like Townhall (which auto correct desperately wants to render as "Downhill"), WorldNetDaily, Breitbart, etc. "His youth combined with his writing and broadcast ability makes him uniquely positioned for today’s multimedia environment."

In other words, he's a nerd who's well qualified to recruit evolved Pokémon for the conservative cause!

"Deace lives in Iowa with his wife, Amy, and three young children Ana, Zoe, and Noah. He feels that living in the heartland provides him with a grassroots conservative perspective often lacking in a beltway media culture that treats Middle America like flyover country."

Hey, no need to feel defensive about living in the Corn Belt, Steve. Our own Heydave is a Hawkeye, which just goes to prove that for every blustery, insecure jerk stinkin' up the prairie, there's a nice, smart, funny guy who volunteers at a soup kitchen (thank you for your service, Heydave).

The cost of being a superhero has been reflected upon in many of the recent DC and Marvel movie franchises.

Yep, it costs roughly $200 million a pop. $400 million when you include P&A.

The mighty responsibility of being able to avoid bad things happening to good people, but minus the transcendence of knowing whether you always should and what the collateral damage will be if you do.

With great power comes great responsibility to avoid bad things. (I dunno, maybe Uncle Ben should do a second draft...?)

Turns out no matter how cool these movies are visually, their true depth relies on something that isn’t remotely futuristic or cutting edge. These are profoundly human stories. These are stories filled with soul.

"You have the soul of a man who can cosplay a rodent."

The butler Alfred tells Bruce Wayne that the duty of Batman is to “endure” what others cannot. That’s a Christ-like sacrifice.

Except...Batman lived. For your analogy to work, Christ would have to be waging a one man war to avenge the death of his Father and Mary, which either means Nietzsche was right, or you need to go to remedial Sunday School.

Kal-El/Clark Kent is a Mosaic exile from a doomed culture sent upstream to inspire humanity with his messianic altruism.

So...Judaism is a doomed culture? Somebody should tell Netanyahu he can ease off on the settlements, because what's the point? Just toss your babies into the river, Jews, and hope for the best!

Bruce Banner’s reality as the Hulk is he is “always angry.” He struggles to temper his perpetual wrath into a righteous indignation used for good.

If he fails to master his temper, all of humanity will suffer, but he'll probably get a show on FoxNews.

Even the straight-laced Steve Rogers tries to equivocate concerning his Captain America mission statement, before being called on his hypocrisy by the far more deeply conflicted Tony Stark/Ironman.

Whew. Okay, I co-host a podcast about geeky stuff, and even I want to beat this guy up for his lunch money.

All of these characters must bear their cross and suffer a Christ-like descent into hell to perform their service to humanity. That’s why their characters, even with their flaws, are cornerstones of the pop culture zeitgeist. They mirror both our Adamic frailty/sinfulness as well as the imago dei each of us possesses, which inspires us to be something more than a fallen son of Adam and a daughter of Eve.

Plus, they can thwart crime with Hostess Fruit Pies!

Alas, despite the Christ-like hell vacations and the light tender crust, Steve has gone limp with rage because Greg Rucka, writer of the Wonder Woman comic, suggested -- one might even say, "acknowledged" -- that a woman raised on an island of women might have banged a lady or two.

A recent Time magazine article delved into this ever-so-shallow pool of philosophical larceny, when comic book author Greg Rucka considered the nature of Diana Prince’s/Wonder Woman’s Amazonian heritage.

“When you start to think about giving the concept of [her female-only homeland] its due, the answer is, ‘How can they not all be in same-sex relationships?’ Right? It makes no logical sense otherwise. It’s supposed to be paradise. You’re supposed to be able to live happily. You’re supposed to be able … to have a fulfilling, romantic and sexual relationship. And the only options are women.

Now, are we saying Diana has been in love and had relationships with other women? As Nicole and I approach it, the answer is obviously yes.”

So, how much question-begging do you have time for? Because that is rubbish.

Enough time to point out, for the millionth time, that "question-begging" doesn't mean "raising a question"? No? Really? Okay, fine...

Only a hell-hole mistaken for a paradise— whose real-life source material insists that men in dresses pee in women’s bathrooms — could arrive at such a conclusion. 

So according to Steve, the reason Themyscira -- Diana's homeland -- was called "Paradise Island" is because it's the one spot on earth where only ladies use the Ladies Room. Problem solved!

Wait...I just had a thought. What if there are trans Amazons? Do they have to trudge all the way over to the Themyscira Target just to take a leak? That seems unfair.

That’s just another way of saying that this author’s definition of paradise may be partaking in one of the classic blunders: paving the road to hell with fake good intentions.

According to highway engineers, paving a heavily traveled roadway with fake good intentions can lead to a higher incidence of potholes, collapsed culverts, and uneven shoulder surfaces, making it 30% more likely that Jesus' road trip to hell will end with a broken axle.

First, the upcoming Wonder Woman movie makes clear that far from being without male influence, her very life and culture is owed to the male god Zeus.

STEVE TREVOR: Have you never met a man before? Well--what about your father?
DIANA: I had no father. I was brought to life by Zeus.

And since she's never seen him, Zeus is clearly a deadbeat dad. No wonder she became a lesbian.  But the point is, the Amazons don't have same-sex relationships, they're only sexually attracted to their daddy, which sounds creepy, but is apparently considered perfectly normal in Themyscira. And Trump Tower.

Might that not be the plumb line we should operate from in deciphering not only sexual relations but all morality within this universe? I don’t seem to recall any discussion in the Greek pantheon where Zeus must first check in with Bruce Jenner before making a ruling on matters of state from Mount Olympus.

Right. The rigid plumb line of ancient Greek heterosexuality. Anybody want to tell Steve? But please, break it to him easy. Maybe start him off with tales of the Sacred Band of Thebes -- you can tell him it's like a Peloponnesian Avengers movie -- then ease him into the pederasty.

Second, Rucka makes a weird and hypocritical plea for nuance in the quality of Wonder Woman’s “obvious” gayness: “We’ve had a long history of people—for a variety of reasons, including sometimes pure titillation, which I think is the worst reason—say, ‘Ooo. Look. It’s the Amazons. They’re gay!’”

Who are you to judge another culture’s titillation, Mr. Judgy Pants?

He's judging our culture, Mr. Clueless Culottes, with its predilection for faux lesbian porn. But Steve's larger points stands, because really, who are we to judge others? Maybe there's a radio host in the heartland who likes to put on his loose-fitting "Judgy Pants", rage about possible same sex subtext in comic books, then enjoy a well-deserved spanking from a Daddy figure he calls "Zeus". That's the kind of thing that can only make our moral plumb line all the straighter.

Is it Diana’s true identity to be freaky as she wants to be or not? Don’t shackle those poor Amazonians with all your self-important man-splaining. If an American kindergartener and his parents can insist, for any reason they want, that the boy is a girl, and the rest of us simply have to deal with it, then those Amazonians don’t have to fit into your obtuse categories, either. Just add another letter onto the end of the LGBTXYZ train and be done with it, you troglodyte.

TV DETECTIVE: What've we got?

CSI: Signs of a struggle between argument and tantrum. I'd put time of death of the metaphor at somewhere between midnight and two a.m.

TV DETECTIVE: Cause of death?

CSI: Looks like attempted satire.

Third, Rucka says Wonder Woman’s relationship with this world’s war hero, Steve Trevor, couldn’t possibly be uniquely characteristic of her sexuality. Why? Because if she was “only interested in men, then fans could interpret her departure from (her home world) as an attempt to pursue (that relationship).” That interpretation, he says, would undermine “both the sacrifice she makes leaving her home and her heroism.”

So if she’s straight, she’s a hypocrite. But if she’s gay, she’s Joan of Arc? Totally get it now. Wait, no I don’t. I thought love is love. Why won’t you jerks just let poor Diana be happy in her multi-world bi-curiousness? How is her not-totally gay, maybe-someday fictional marriage affecting you anyway?

Oh oh...Somebody's attempts to relieve the tedium of Iowa by sneaking Wonder Woman comics into the bathroom just hit a patch of auto-erotic black ice.

And lastly, why cast the drop-dead gorgeous Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman if the essence of being Amazonian is more connected to homosexuality than classical notions of femininity?

Yeah! Only classical notions of masculinity should be connected to homosexuality.

Why not go full Ghostbusters? Cast Melissa McCarthy, put her in a baggy t-shirt and some sweatpants instead of a form-fitting suit of armor, and have her protest us to death?

Well, I guess Steve would ruin fewer sweat socks that way. Wait a second...What if Marvel and DC secretly controlled the global sweat sock cartel, and that's why they constantly feature busty women in skimpy outfits when it makes no sense, because Freshmen would rather buy another 12-pack of tubesox from K Mart than do a mid-week load of laundry!

Maybe because even though Wonder Woman is a fictional character, her actual muse is much closer to Almighty God’s truth of the stunning allure and glorious strength of the female design than the stupid lies our post-modern fantasies keep foisting on us? That there really is a feminine mystique after all? And it’s not here to be shamed by political correctness, or put down by a patriarchy. But rather to be celebrated and unleashed because it, too, is made in the image of the Creator.

So Wonder Woman was made in the image of William Moulton Marston? I frankly don't see the resemblance.

Anyway, now that Steve has turned a comic book character's sexuality into a religious issue, I assume Bible-bangers are done worshiping Mother Mary and have moved on to a feminine icon who gets with the program and shows a little skin.

A Creator who said “it is not good for man to be alone.” And when man first gazed upon that stunning allure and glorious strength of the female design he responded with a “wo-man, I’m totally all in for this. Anything she wants, and I’ll try to make it happen.”

Wow, history's first pick-up line sucked. He sounds like Ro-Man from Robot Monster. It's amazing we ever even got to Cane and Abel.

So here’s my challenge to Rucka and the charge of the light in the loafer’s brigade. 

"Come up with a worse bon mot than 'light in the loafer's brigade.' G'wan...I dare ya!"

Go ahead and tarnish the American legends you’ve inherited with your progressive hedonism, rather than honor their legacies as symbols urging us to be something more. And see how much you’re rewarded for it at the box office.

I notice Steve doesn't seem too upset that Captain America is now a nazi in the comics.

Girl On Go-Gurt Action!

You may remember One Million Moms from their jihad against Kraft, and specifically the undressed man who hawked their dressing. Well, they're back, and this time they're torqued at lactose-lovin' L-Words.

Nude lesbians cavort in bed in 'sinful' TV commercial

As we've said before, we don't believe there are actually one million moms who care if there are ladies out there with eclectic tastes that include vagina, soured milk products, and implied nudity. Instead, we suspect it's one mom with multiple personalities -- not a million of them, because that would be too awesome to hope for, so let's just say it's probably more than Toni Collette had in The United States of Tara, but fewer than Sally Field fielded in Sybil. The twist is that this time, every personality is an asshole!

Members of One Million Moms, a faith-based advocacy group tied to the American Family Association, is furious over a Chobani yogurt ad featuring lesbians in bed and is calling for the company to pull the TV commercial now airing in the U.S.

I was talking to Mary about it, and she thinks it's not really MillionMom who's worked up by this commercial, but MillionDad. ("You're right, honey, this is shocking! And scandalous. And sinful! Oh yes...so very, very sinful. It's probably some other 's' words too, but I can't think of any at the moment. Let's watch it two or three more times and I'm sure they'll come to me...!"

The ad shows a woman in bed eating the yogurt, stroking the foot of a companion laying beside her, and then standing and wrapping the sheet around her naked body before leaving the room. It’s then the viewer is shown the other nude person in the bed is not a man, like one would expect, but a woman. She smiles and the camera reveals she’s wearing a wedding ring.

I had no preconceptions about the sex of the bed's other occupant, but I was relieved that it didn't turn out to be, as I originally expected, a severed horse head.

One Million Moms says the ad promotes sexual sin, as well as homosexual marriage.

I'd say it acknowledges same sex marriage, rather than promotes it, since the commercial is selling yogurt and not diamonds, flowers, or pastel cummerbunds. But if we assume, arguendo, that her claim is true, that means the ad can't also be promoting "sexual sin", since the ladies are married. They may be doing it Sappho-style, and then celebrating with Greek yogurt just to keep the theme going, but the important thing is, they're not doing it Bristol Palin style.

Meanwhile, the narrator sings in the background, “To love this life is to live it naturally,” and posts the text over a shot of the ocean water and beach.

If your biggest problem with this commercial is that it ends with some pseudo-inspirational quote over an image of sea and sand, then it's possible your beef isn't with lesbian yogurt, but with 90% of Instagram users over the age of thirty.

“There is nothing natural about homosexuality,” One Million Moms wrote.

But at least it's not an abomination, unlike yogurt. Especially that fruit-at-the-bottom crap.

 “What does selling yogurt have to do with gay sex? Nothing at all, but Chobani wants to make the association.”

Okay MillionMom, if you're outraged about someone using sex to sell a product, I would just remind you that Chobani didn't invent the concept, and suggest you take it up with the Garden of Eden Fruit Growers Association and their spokesmodel, Eve.

The group then references a biblical passage, Romans 1:26-27

Which was a heartbreaker of a loss for the Romans, especially coming into the playoffs.

to support its view of homosexuality as a sin, and asks for similarly outraged Americans to call the company to petition for the ad’s removal.

I don't know if there are enough "similarly outraged Americans" to actually fill up a whole petition. Don't get me wrong, there's plenty of outrage to go around in this country, but I don't know how similar it is to MillionMom's; I have a feeling her outrage is somewhat sui generis, at least in it's peculiar focus on homosexuals in proximity to food.  But even if she realized it, I don't expect such knowledge would deter MillionMom; rather, I imagine it would only inspire her to make her name literally true by investigating that cloning process that cranks out surplus Tatiana Maslanys.

“[We're] urging them to pull this inappropriate commercial immediately and remain neutral in the culture war,” the group wrote. “Also, let Chobani know that continuing to air this ad and offensive advertisements in the future will force your family to make the decision to no longer purchase Chobani products.”

No offense, MillionMom, but they sell yogurt, so maybe you're not the demographic they're really targeting. But don't be discouraged; the day Frito-Lay decides to promote Cheddar & Sour Cream flavored Ruffles with buttsex is the day you get to bring down the MillionMom Mallet!

Some national media applauded the ad. The Huffington Post called it “stunning” and “sexy,” while The New York Daily News called it, “steamy,” and “gay”-media outlets raved.

"The most erotic meeting of food and sex since the dinner scene in Tom Jones!" -- Journal of Industrial Foodservice.

"Blue is the Warmest Color, but please refrigerate your yogurt." -- National Association of Dairy Product Retailers.

As WND reported, world renowned Christian leader Rev. Franklin Graham told his Facebook followers to stop doing business with stores and corporations that advance unbiblical principles – that the power of the purse can be used to advance God’s will. 

Graham told the Charlotte Observer he plans to compile and publicize a list of companies that feature same-sex couples in their advertising. “I want people to know,” he said.

Good luck with your many hours of research into sexy gay images, Reverend. And maybe hang a necktie on the doorknob so your roommate doesn't just walk in on you.

He wrote: “Have you ever asked yourself – how can we fight the tide of immoral decay that is being crammed down our throats by big business, the media, and that gay & lesbian community? Every day it is something else!”

Thanks to big business gays and the media, life in America today is just like the old Mickey Mouse Club: Monday is Fun with Music Day, Wednesday is Anything Can Happen Day, Thursday is Circus Day, but every day is Throat-Cramming Day!

And as example, he announced his own evangelical organization will cut ties with Wells Fargo because of advertising featuring lesbians.

And accidentally deposited all his money in a bank that's gayer than the collected works of Jean Genet, but hey, it's the ugly thought that counts.

“This is one way we as Christians can speak out,” he wrote. “We have the power of choice. Let’s just stop doing business with those who promote sin and stand against Almighty God’s laws and His standards. Maybe if enough of us do this, it will get their attention.”

I'm sorry, Rev, did you say something? I was too busy watching nude lesbians cavort sinfully. (OPENS FORTUNE COOKIE) In bed.

The Rainbow Zone Is For The Immediate Loading and Unloading...

Today is a great day, as another group of Second Class citizens is finally bumped up to First.  And though it took a fortune in legal fees, most of our SkyMiles, and who knows how many hours spent standing in line at the counter while the Supreme Court clerks clacked away on their computer terminals, doing whatever it is they do, the Nine Old Men (actually, it's the Six Old Men, plus the Three Old Women, minus the Four Old Assholes) have acknowledged that all Americans have an equal right to board marriage in an orderly fashion as soon as their row is called.  (And since this is a party, would it kill them to offer a complimentary beverage for once?)

To our wingnut friends and visitors, I would respectfully advise that you to take some time to deal with your frustration and disappointment, refocus your energies, and then, when you're ready, move on to blockading some other form of social progress.

But to all our gay and lesbian friends, Mary, Sheri, and I would just like to say: Congratulations! And please don't register someplace expensive.

Update: From Bill S.:

I'd have never guessed that this morning, when I was in my living room, stereo headphones on blasting, George Michael's "Freedom" and dancing in my underwear, that I'd come home to news like this! Wait, did I MAKE that happen? Was I unwittingly performing a liturgical dance?

If Only That Mustache Would Secede From Your Lip

Looks like WorldNetDaily editor and bacon-strip-on-a-lip model Joseph Farah has discovered the plot by treason entrepreneur Douglas MacKinnon to take the few remaining manly states, stuff them in his marbles bag, and go home.

I haven’t yet heard anyone ask this question.

"Assuming you had enough raw materials, could you make a leather jacket out of human foreskins? I'm asking for a friend."

So let me put it out there on the table for discussion. 

Will a U.S. Supreme Court decision declaring “same-sex marriage” a “right” warrant secession by some state willing and eager to reclaim America’s Judeo-Christian heritage and foundation?

And if no one state is anti-gay enough, perhaps various bigot-majority jurisdictions could unite to form a new state, dedicated to the proposition that Adam and Steve shall not be permitted to buy a tiered cake and rent cummerbunds from Tuxedo Junction. We can call it OklaNoHomo.

You know it’s inevitable, right?

As inevitable as death, taxes, and your weekly application of Just For Men mustache dye (pro-tip: maybe you don't really need two coats...).

The fix is in. Two members of the Supreme Court have personally officiated at same-sex “marriages.” I count three solid votes against it. The chances of reaching five are somewhere between slim and none.

That's rather hard-boiled language for a civil rights case. I can't tell whether the Supreme Court is deciding if marriage equality is a constitutional imperative, or trying to figure out which crooked racetrack tout is doping the ponies at Aqueduct.

I’ve heard some chatter about civil disobedience. That’s all well and good. But I don’t see much in the way of serious organization taking place.

I'm not sure how civil disobedience would even work in this case, Joe. I mean, during Jim Crow, Black people could defy an unjust law by refusing to move to the back of the bus, or by staging a sit-in at the Woolworth lunch counter, but you guys weren't going to get gay married anyway, so what's left to boycott? You're going to have to walk around with an explanatory sandwich board that reads, "I Was Actually Never Going to Get Gay Married, But Now I'm Not Doing It As a Matter of Principle."

What I do see is a lot of grass-roots concern. I know there are millions of Christians, Jews and others who would pull up stakes and move to another country that honored the institution of marriage as it was designed by God – a union between one man and one woman.

Well, the Jews missed out on the Oklahoma Land Rush, so I'm sure they'll appreciate the do-over.  By the way, has anyone ever reported the design flaws in heterosexual marriage to God? I realize that's like telling Jonny Ive you don't like the new iPhone, but I really think a lot of these problems could have been addressed in the design and testing phase if He'd just had a larger sample size than Adam and Eve.  Anyway, can somebody get on that? I'd submit a ticket to the Help Desk myself, but I added some after-market modifications to my marriage that I'm told voided the warranty.

As Jesus said it: “For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh.”

Then shall he get laid off and develop a porn addiction, and so she shall have a fling with her hot yoga instructor, and they twain shall be two flesh once more, and thus shall a man move back home and cleave to his father and mother again, and boy don't they love that.

Is there one state in 50 that would not only defy the coming abomination, but secede in response? The rewards could be great. I would certainly consider relocating. How about you?

No, but I'll help you pack.

The founders of this country found a place of refuge in America and shaped it into the greatest self-governing nation in the history of world. Just think what one state could do if it simply stuck to the principles that made this country great? Americans wouldn’t have to cross an ocean to rediscover what brought most of our ancestors here. We could simply drive.

That might prove tough if the one state willing to secede over marriage equality was Hawaii (you might want to over-inflate your tires, just to be safe). Alaska seems more likely, but that's still a harsh and rugged drive. On the bright side, you could probably get a reality show out of it: "Ice Road Bigots! Tuesdays on Discovery."

Are any states so inclined?

Yeah, c'mon guys, who wants to be the test market for the Confederate equivalent of New Coke? I'll sure it'll work out great.

I haven’t heard this question raised by anyone else. So I’m raising it. 

Really, Joe? Rick Perry has raised it. I know you're a bit of a glory hog, but you can't take credit for every stupid idea in the world. It's just not realistic.

We don’t have much time before the nine high priests in black robes decide to follow Baal instead of the One True God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

If anything would put me off devil-worship, it's the idea of sex magick rituals involving a nude Antonin Scalia.

We need a Promised Land. We need an Exodus strategy.

You absolutely do. But remember, between the Exodus and the Promised Land comes forty years in the desert. So! Who's got the Sea & Ski and the camping toilet...?

If not a state, are there any nations in the world interested in a pilgrimage by millions of Americans?

I suspect most nations of the world have learned from the Native Americans' prior experience with pilgrims.  "No Vacancy, guys! Sorry!"

It’s time to start asking the question.

"Is it possible to make foreskin suede? I'm asking for another friend..."

Maybe you ask: “Farah, why is this such a big deal for you? Will it really make a difference in the way you live?”

"Or are you just still bitter about the break-up of your marriage to Lee Majors?"

There’s almost nothing bigger than this that I can think of – though the Supreme Court’s ruling that abortion on demand was a “right” was certainly a contender. That one was something of a surprise. It caught the population off guard. They weren’t expecting it or thinking about it much beforehand. It took years for it to sink in – and we’ve paid a horrific price as a people for it for 42 years.

It's decimated America's once proud septicemia industry.

So here’s the question: Do you want to live in a nation that defines marriage as a union of any two people of any gender? 

Well, I wouldn't say any two people -- that sounds a little random -- I'd prefer two specific people, who know each other and what they're getting into. Otherwise it gives marriage kind of a Shirley Jackson feel.

Do you think that will be the end of the story?

It is in fairy tales. (Okay, except maybe for Into the Woods...)

 If it’s discrimination to maintain marriage as an institution limited to one man and one woman, why isn’t it discrimination to maintain the institution to only two people? Isn’t there even a bigger demand for polygamy than same-sex marriage? On what basis can the case be made for one and not the other? You know this is not the endgame.

Wingnuts seem convinced we're all panting to get gay marriage out of the way so we can move on to our true goal: polygamy. Maybe this is true, I haven't taken a poll or anything, but it's really not on my bucket list. For one thing, our bed is kind of cramped as it is, especially if Moondoggie sneaks in between the two of us, so any sister wives or brother husbands would require us to start sleeping in shifts, and then I'd have to learn Excel or Microsoft Project just to keep things organized.  And for another, I can barely maintain possession of the remote control as it is.  If it was two or three against one, I could just forget about watching Cinemax After Dark ever again! Goodbye, Naked in Space! Farewell, Atomic Hotel Erotica! Yeah, it's been fun, but it's a lifetime of Lifetime for me now!  GAH!

I'm sorry...what was the question?

My Baloney Has a Second Name, It's O.S.C.A.R.

Hey guys, look who it is!  It's Brother From Another and Another 'Nother Mother, Professor Robert Oscar Lopez. You may remember ROL from his sad, Dickensian life as a boy who caught Teh Ghey from living in a trailer with two unvaccinated lesbians, or perhaps you recall his LOL-worthy theory that Homosexuals are modern slave masters who oppress Blacks by using them as breeding stock to replenish their plantations, and by "plantations" I mean "mobile homes."

In any case...he's back!

Children of Same-Sex Couples: A Turning Point

I am a professor.

Really?  Can you make a radio out of coconuts and bamboo?  I didn't think so...

 Among the many farces of academia, hiring season is exceptional.

Okay, sure, somehow you were hired to teach at the college level, but don't you agree that's really more tragedy than farce?

 Everyone in the department pretends that we are completely collegial and endearing, while job candidates arrive and audition for us. We go out to lunch with the aspirants and small talk ensues.

And that's when the Olive Garden turns into the Garden of Gethsemane! Except instead of Judas kissing Jesus, your department head hogs the breadsticks!

This time around, many of my colleagues courted the candidates by musing about their childhoods over dinner. Colleague X talked about how he was the first one to attend college because his father only finished up to tenth grade. Colleague Y recounted arguments about classic books with her parents who were both English teachers. Colleague Z reminisced about the days when her father, a preacher, prepared for his weekly sermons. 

And then there’s me sitting there. I’d love to say: “I was raised by a lesbian who took me to a motor home on the weekends so she and her lover could hike and build wooden decks together. 

So it was like growing up with slightly more butch versions of Bob Vila and Norm Abrams?

When I worked in my mother’s clinic doing typing and filing, I transcribed the files of her mentally ill patients, some of whom were gay or transgender, so I knew everything about sex a kid could possibly imagine by the time I was fourteen.

Yeah, I don't want to get into a pissing match about who had the more picaresque upbringing, Prof, since compared to a lot of people I got off light; but given that my mother was mentally ill and began threatening to murder me in my sleep when I was five years old (Insomnia 4 Life, yo), I'd totally be willing to trade my night terrors for your light typing and filing.

By the time I was sixteen, I was getting in lots of trouble.

Well I would hope so, given all that free sex ed you were getting. Hell, if I'd had your advantages as a teenager I'd have been working my way through the Kama Sutra and the Collected Works of Henry Miller like somebody following one of those IKEA chifforobe-assembling diagrams.

By the way, because this was my life and I refuse to lie about the problems it caused me, I have been dubbed an anti-gay bigot by all the major gay advocacy organizations and the other people at this table have banned me from the department listserv and newsletter.

Yeah, cry me a river and pass the Five Cheese Dipping Sauce.

“But please, go ahead, tell me how you grew up.”

Nervously, with a chair wedged against my bedroom door at night. But I thank my lucky stars that at least I was never subjected to non-consensual clerical work!

For all the talk about fighting privilege, “speaking out” and “breaking silences” are actually not what the left wants children of gay couples to do.

They want them to do The Macarena. No one's quite sure why.

Everything about my life is dangerous to discuss

Cross the wrong people, and the forces of Big Lesbian might just push you off the top of a high dental dam.

because if I tell the truth about where I came from, I can be accused of homophobia (which has happened) and fired (which has come near to happening).

Not near enough, apparently.

I wish they -- the pro-gay liberals -- would make up their minds. 

You're right. Let's quite hemming and hawing and just order the Pasta e Fagioli, we gotta be back at work by one-thirty.

Either be radical and anti-establishmentarian, and accept uncomfortable voices into the conversation -- or else shut up and let me talk about Homer’s Iliad. Which I’ve read in Greek.

 I don't know which Greek you were in, but he was pretty patient to let you stay in there for the length of  an entire book. (Was it Spiros? He's pretty chill...)

Children of gays, or COGs, are ready for a turning point. 

Specifically, The Turning Point, the 1977 film about bickering middle aged ballet divas, although admittedly that's probably more popular with the COGs' parents.

The gay community raised us, sometimes with love, and often with a bit of inconsiderate self-interest.

So, like every parent, everywhere?

Too many of us were asked to keep secret how hard the whole experience was. Many times siblings turned against each other based on which brother or sister “broke ranks” and decided to speak the truth while others played along to keep Mom and Mom or Dad and Dad happy.

In other words, you're saying that sometimes the children of gay parents experience sibling rivalry, and compete for parental approval?  That is shocking, in that I never knew the Smothers Brothers were raised by lesbians.

 Actually, I guess should read, "Moms always liked you best!"

After decades of decrying the pain of “the closet,” the gay community remains largely unwilling to uncover the true feelings of the children raised in their midst.

I assume they simply wanted to spare us, since we've all heard children kick and scream and whine and fuss and write columns for American Thinker.

Don’t think we are only disappointed with liberals. We find ourselves wondering what happened to conservatives opposed to same-sex marriage. The anti-gay-marriage activists gave us much less attention than they gave to the cake-bakers, florists, and innkeepers who were Christian and who didn’t want to service gay weddings.

I don't know if you can catch syphilis from an attention whore, but I think I'll go put on a condom just to be safe...

Aside from canned platitudes extorted from kids still under gay adults’ custody, the terms of the same-sex parenting debate were always dehumanizing statistics. “Who had better outcomes?” “Who has a lower percentage of autism?” “Who has greater attachment security anxiety?”

"Who has the highest incidence of Adult Onset Self-Pity Parties?" "Who has the crappiest argument?" "Who's the biggest drama queen?"

Until now. The dissident COGs who refuse to follow either side’s party line are growing in number. We will not be left out of this marriage showdown about to go before the Supreme Court.

"We've already filed an amicus tantrum."

 This time around Anthony Kennedy will not be able to assume he knows what we are thinking, and the Human Rights Campaign will not be able to tell us what we are supposed to want. We won’t let people use us anymore. Keep your eyes out for our briefs against gay marriage. Even if we can’t change history, at least we want to be part of it. Our time has come. We deserve it.

And I think I speak for all of us when I say: here's hoping you get exactly what you deserve.

Unfortunately Our Theocracy Came From the Factory With The Wrong Theology

It's a brand new year, so out with the old First Amendment and in with the new State Religion: Homo-Orthodox! This is potentially bad news for those of us raised in less rigorous faith traditions -- I myself come from a long line of Scottish Presbyterian Reformed Church of Homo -- but I'll let WorldNetDaily's Joseph Farah give you the details...

We secretly switched Joseph Farah's regular upper lip with this Daddy 'stache from a 1980 male porn film. Let's see if he notices...

THE EMERGING INTOLERANCE OF ENFORCED HOMO-ORTHODOXY

“Gay pride” is now the de facto state religion in America.

That's why I picked "Liza Minnelli" as my confirmation name.

If you even think homosexuality, lesbianism and “transgenderism” might be sinful, you are a modern-day heretic – worthy of scorn, ridicule, fines, abuse, even loss of your business or job.

If you listen to certain unmanly whiners, getting bullied, gay-bashed, even murdered is some big ordeal, but Joseph faces ridicule! In fact, he's getting some right now!

And now, the Rhode Island Supreme Court has joined the witch hunt against Christians who take their Scriptures and faith seriously by throwing out lawsuits brought by two Providence firefighters who said their constitutional rights were violated when they were ordered to drive a truck in a gay pride parade despite their religious objections.

Did they have religious objections to driving a truck, or to driving a truck in a parade? Or was it a more narrow theological scruple against driving a truck in a parade with gays in the vicinity, because if that's the basis of their objection, then I wonder how they'd handle a fire in a gay bar. "All right, men, the Captain has ordered us to run inside and search for survivors, so let's put on our gear and file a lawsuit."

The saddest part of all this to me, though, is the way witch hunts have really hit the point of diminishing returns. In the 1600s, witch hunters burned you at the stake, but now they just toss out your nuisance lawsuit. Who the hell's gonna make a gruesome woodcut about that?

The firefighters, Theodore Fabrizio and Stephen Deninno, argued that they are Roman Catholics and, therefore, do not and cannot support or condone homosexuality.

Truck driving implies consent. This is why I never drove my old Ford Ranger to a NASCAR event.

Seemed like a reasonable request given the First Amendment.

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances; or of the right of municipal employees to get pissy about driving their work vehicles near a guy in chaps and a banana hammock."

But to add insult to injury, the firefighters said they experienced sexual harassment from parade-goers and their co-workers.

I'm not sure how someone standing along a parade route would even begin to sexually harass two guys in a moving, 65,000 pound truck -- the logistics just seem daunting -- but what really interests me is the claim that they were also victimized by their co-workers as a result of this parade.  Was the mere fact that the plaintiffs operated heavy machinery within earshot of a marching band playing "Poker Face" enough to convince previously closeted members of their engine company to invite them to "handle my hose" or "slide down my pole"?

Any sane, rational, moral person who has been in the vicinity of a “gay pride” parade knows exactly what these firefighters were alleging. I’ve seen it firsthand. I once had the misfortune of spending Father’s Day with my wife and small children in a city celebrating “gay pride.” 

We were subjected to public nudity, crudity and rudity with impunity and incredulity.

Ah, so the Bigot to English translation of "sexually harassed" is "saw a drag queen and a shirtless guy with a rainbow flag."

After the parade was over and I thought it was safe to go outside, I took my young girls for a walk – one of them was in a stroller at the time. A group of about a half-dozen lesbians approached us with catcalls of “breeder, breeder!” I mean you can’t make this stuff up.

Apparently you can. You just can't do it well.

 It’s amazing the straightjacket America is forcing on its people in the phony names of “diversity” and “tolerance.”

I'm pretty sure the names "diversity" and "tolerance" aren't phony so much as they're just stage names. However, I can't tell if "straightjacket" is attempted irony or just a successful misspelling.  Anyway, you'll excuse me, I have to go file a lawsuit against Joseph's mustache for giving me PTSD and flashbacks to Cruising and Can't Stop the Music.

Revenge of the Male Amazons!

Annnnnnnd...we're back. The script I've been working on has been delivered, and in three or four years might eventually become an animated film that will probably only be seen on pirated DVDs in Asia. The sense of accomplishment is almost too pungent.

Anyway, getting back to our usual bailiwick...With same-sex marriage bans toppling all over the country, the folks who are weirdly obsessed by this subject even though it can't possibly affect them, since they are not themselves gay, need a new wrinkle. And veteran wingnut Kelly Bartlett is here to supply the rhetorical crowsfeet: Gay marriage is segregation, so ladies, you better not let the sun go down on you in West Hollywood (stick to lesbians, they have more experience).

Gender, Discrimination, and Marriage

My daughter was catching up on her college homework. Chapter Ten in her psychology textbook is titled “Sex and Gender.” It covers topics such as gender differences, similarities, and stereotypes. The chapter wends its way from transgender issues to sexual harassment to the glass ceiling, the invisible but real boundary in the workplace beyond which women are not welcome. The book defines sexism as “differential treatment of an individual on the basis of his or her sex.”

Wait a second...Just to be clear: you're helping your daughter with her college homework?  I think even Ward Cleaver would have drawn the line somewhere north of that point: "Yes, yes, Beaver, I appreciate your diligence, but I'd really prefer to settle in with the evening edition than hear about your 'Women's Studies' class. All I know about that bushwa is that your mother read The Feminine Mystique, and now she's off banging some hairy fakir in an ashram in Oregon. Get up, you're sitting on the Sports Page..."

As the text points out, more than half of all women in the United States now work outside the home. They are breaking through the glass ceiling and garnering high-profile positions in private industry, government, and politics. There is one domain, however, in which women are increasingly discriminated against and excluded: families.

It's true. Females comprise only 50% of this family, and that's counting the cats.

Ironically, same-sex marriage laws do this in the name of equality. We open our hearts and minds and definition of marriage to include two men, and in doing so we close the door to a wife in the living room, a mom in the nursery, and a feminine lover in the bedroom.

Well, we're not all Mormon fundamentalists. Plus, not everyone can afford a separate mom for living room, nursery, and bedroom, not to mention individual wives for the laundry, bonus room, and gazebo. I mean, if you're not careful, they start to breed, and then you have to call in an exterminator, or at least set up some of those Have-A-Heart Live Wife Traps, and then you've got to drive way out into the country to release them, otherwise they just come back and start nursing your children and folding your underpants again.

 We create a crass ceiling.

I agree that the principle danger of permitting women to freely pursue their dreams and ambitions in the work force is that some of them will just make shitty puns.  But is it really so different with men?  After all, some are Shakespeare, and some just sit in the Break Room making armpit farts.

It’s one thing for two guys to love each other; it’s altogether different for society to endorse this union by granting these two men the status of marriage.

Once they're married, the whole idea of two guys loving each other becomes a lot less hot.

A male marriage might not look overtly sexist, but what about the long-term effects? Redefining marriage grants men the legal right to deprive children of a relationship with their mother simply because she's female. Because she’s “born that way.” What if this gender discrimination continues?

Um, there's a few rather glaring logic flaws in that paragraph. I'm beginning to wonder why Kelly's daughter would even come to her for help with her college homework in the first place. Let's check the senior Bartlett's bio at MercatorNet, an ostensibly nonpartisan webzine on bioethics where she periodically spray-paints the walls with outrage over gays and abortion:

Say, this doesn't look like the face of a woman who would spend her days laboring to thwart gay marriage. This looks like the warm, friendly, welcoming face of a woman who'd really like you to try the rich taste of mountain grown Folger's coffee.

Kelly Bartlett has been practicing life, love, and marriage for decades, hoping to improve her game. She writes from a house nestled in a meadow off a dirt road in Vermont, surrounded by family and friends, music and mountains.

Her monograph, "On Squealing Like a Pig" has been successfully set to a lively banjo tune.

She has taught religious education using the Catechesis of the Good Shepherd and is certified by the safe environment program, VIRTUS: Protecting God’s Children.

VIRTUS is a program brought to you by "The National Catholic Risk Retention Group, Inc," which sounds like an insurance company for priests that got tired of forking out for sex abuse settlements.

After seventeen years of homeschooling her kids, she gives herself an A for effort and graduates summa cum laughter. 

Ha! Yes...it's like Erma Bombeck after a closed-head injury.

 She enjoys handing out A’s 

Well, I think we now know how her daughter got into college. And by "college" I mean "The University of Mom's Breakfast Nook".

and would be delighted to give you one also if you “Like” MercatorNet on Facebook.

Go on.  I dare ya.

Obviously, two men cannot reproduce with each other, but in tandem with marriage comes the right to adopt. If a male couple’s adopted son meets and marries a like-minded guy whose dads commissioned him from a surrogate mother, then we would see an extended family bereft of not only mothers but also grandmothers. On both sides. Under current law in many states, this chauvinism can continue for generations.

Which would mean an incalculable amount of men who never had the experience of being offered a hard candy by an elderly woman who keeps it rolled up in a Kleenex in her purse.

Decades from now, young Marvin can trace his family tree and compare it with that of his pal Leroy.

While studying genealogy, Leroy and Marvin might pause to wonder why they both sound like characters from Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids.

The latter has one mom and one dad, two grandmothers and two grandfathers, four great-grandmothers and four great-grandfathers. Leroy’s family tree is gender-integrated and balanced.

Sounds like one of those liberal, affirmative action quota systems to me. Surely Clarence Thomas won't stand for this!

Meanwhile, Marvin lists two dads, four grandpas, and eight great-grandfathers.

Sounds like a call sheet for Duck Dynasty.

 His family has fourteen men and zero women; it’s gender-segregated and devoid of wives, mothers, grandmothers, and their feminine love.

As a result, the greeting card industry has become a husk of its once robust self.

Of course, we know that babies can’t actually be nurtured for nine months in a test tube using IVF, no matter how many thousands of dollars we thrust at researchers...Marvin had to have a mom or he wouldn’t be here.

I remember when I was a kid, "fags" were presumed to be mama's boys who never cut the apron strings and imprinted on a strong father figure. You'd think after three generations of nothing but male role models, Marvin would be the butchest dude on the planet!

And his parents had to have mothers as well. It’s not that Marvin doesn’t have a mom or grandmothers in his ancestry. These women are invisible to Marvin, but they are real. They were intentionally excluded from his family precisely because of their sex. This man-made barricade is more harmful than the glass ceiling at work since it prevents children from accessing their own mothers.

Is this really a problem, Kelly?  Is same sex marriage (which apparently doesn't include lesbians) really going to result in legions of gay men genetically engineering their own posterior-loving posterity?  And even if so, do we really want our young men "accessing their own mothers"?  That sounds less like sound social policy, and more like a Please Don't Eat the Daisies fan fic.

Man caves are fun. Man family trees . . . not so much.

So men, let your manly pals have fun in your cave, but don't be afraid to let the ladies climb your man tree.

If two guys fall in love, they can choose to keep their relationship private or make it public. They can even make it official by announcing it on Facebook. 

I guess Facebook posts are now legally binding.  So if you clicked "Like" on a friend's blurry smartphone pic of a schooner full of green-dyed St. Paddy's Day beer, you're now married to them, even if you're both boys.  So start laying in a supply of blue baby booties and foam rubber footballs for your multitude of strangely male-only descendants.

It’s their choice. But requesting a marriage license is different.

For one thing, you usually have to shout at the clerk through that bulletproof glass.

Marriage is the bond that seals a family together and plants the roots of our culture.

It bonds! It seals! It plants and tends roots! Marriage is the most amazing Ronco product you've ever seen, and it's not available in any store!

 Families are the living cells of the great organism of life. Typically, marriage creates new micro-societies: mom, dad, and their children. Marriage is social by nature; therefore, weddings require witnesses.

So do crimes.

It is important to note that de-gendered families exclude females not by accident, but by design.

Even lesbians refuse to admit women into their gay marriages, even though gay men are much more likely to make catty remarks about the bride's plaid flannel wedding gown.  One question, though, Kelly: How does this "de-gendering" process gay men go through when they wed actually work? Is it anything like getting your dog neutered, because if so, I'm gonna need a bigger pet taxi.

Same-sex marriage constitutes sex discrimination and segregation. 

It's the "Coloreds Only" drinking fountain of legal pair bonding.

But I have spent too many years interacting with mothers and children to support the idea of excluding moms from families because of their sex.

Can we exclude them from the family because of their habit of snooping in your sock drawer looking for porn? Because I'd totally be down with that.

 I love and respect my own mother and grandmothers far too much to fall for the notion that contracting them out of our marriage laws constitutes “equality.”

So if two men love each other and wish to wed, the state should require that the happy couple enter into a plural marriage with a grandmother, because it's only fair.

 And even if I didn’t have the firsthand experience of knowing so many women exhibiting their feminine genius, I would disagree with gender discrimination in principle.

Then wouldn't you agree that you yourself are discriminating against women by not bringing one into your marriage bed and licking the alphabet?  And where's this exhibit of feminine genius being held, because I could really use some at the moment.

After all, if gender is not important in marriage, when on earth is it important? 

Not many places that I've ever seen. Gender is kind of like algebra -- the teacher swears you're going to need it later in life, but I've successfully avoided it for decades. 

Will the same progressives clamoring for male marriage now seek gender quotas in the years to come? Will future feminists fight for the right of children to know their mothers?

That's a good question, but I believe Zager and Evans already answered it in the summer of 1969:

In the year 6565
Ain't gonna need no husband, won't need no wife
You'll pick your son, pick your daughter too
From the bottom of a long glass tube

Gender segregation belongs in public restrooms, not families.

Men just naturally have a wider stance than women, and should be free to express it in the toilet stall of their choice. Especially if they're a Republican senator and have a gender inclusive beard waiting at home.

Let’s keep our ancestry honest and inclusive; let’s keep our families intact and thriving.

And let's keep our wingnuts frothy and frenzied and whipped into stiff peaks.

The Skewtape Letters

You remember Dean Chambers?  No?  He was the guy who decided all the polls showing Obama leading in the 2012 presidential election were "skewed" by professional skewers who were not able to find regular work transfixing chunks of lamb, chicken, and onion, and had to eke out a living pretending that Mitt Romney wasn't going to win the White House.  Dean's contrarian view of the polling data was welcomed by right wing media as a desperately needed antidote to Nat Silver's math, and they latched onto his conclusions like a horny dachshund with a human shin.  As a result, Chambers enjoyed a life of fame and fortune that had, in my friend Tony's words, "the half-life of a spark."

So okay, fine, Dean was completely, publicly, humiliatingly wrong about the polls, but while his math is even worse than mine, his gaydar is so deeply penetrating and infallible that it's like a superpower, and makes me suspect he was was bitten by a radioactive homosexual (this used to happen to me all the time when I lived in Chelsea), or acquired telepathy like the hero of  E.E. "Doc" Smith's Gay Lensman.

Commentary: Newsweek was right about Barack Obama

Few have forgotten the Newsweek magazine cover from May of 2012 which pronounced Barack Obama“The first gay president.”

I guess I'm one of the few, if not the proud, because I don't actually remember that at all.  In fact, I forgot that Newsweek still exists (does it?), but then Dean himself seems to have forgotten that he previously proved, with geometric logic, that Obama lost the election and therefore isn't President, gay or otherwise.

The feature article in that edition of Newsweek, written by Andrew Sullivan, basically argued that Barack Obama is the first gay president, because his views on gay marriage had evolved from support civil unions but opposing gay marriage (a position that Sullivan compared separate but equal racial discrimination) to his 2012 announcement that he was fully in support of gay marriage. For evolving to that point of view, Sullivan declared Obama the first gay president.

It's rare you find a paragraph, intended for publication and not the kind of thing just scribbled on a Pee-Chee during study hall, that's not only repetitious, but also missing key words.  To be fair, however, we should remember that Dean is a poll de-shish kebabber, and not a journalist.  Wait, let me check his bio...

Dean Chambers, inspired by the ideas of freedom and the principles of Barry Goldwater and Ronald Reagan, became an independent journalist, founding and editing two independent newspapers while in college. Dean was later inspired by the courageous independent journalism of Andrew Breitbart and seeks to answer the call for many more to become Andrew Breitbarts.

Dean apparently doesn't want to become Andrew Breitbart himself, he just wants to sit at the switchboard like Carol Your Time-Life Operator and answer the phone, but he does offer a simple 3-Step Program for those many more who hunger to become Andrew Breitbarts:

1. Be wrong on the Internet.  A lot.
2. Scream. A lot.
3. Drop dead.

Number 1 is something I can do in my sleep -- especially when I take Ambien and then decide to stay up and write a post for some reason. Number 2 is something I can easily pull off, as long as there's a spider involved.  Number 3 isn't something I have a lot of experience with, but it's looking more attractive the deeper I get into this article.

I think Sullivan is right, but not for the right reason. I do believe that Barack Obama is in fact our first gay president. But I believe this for entirely different reasons. I believe the man actually is gay. Don't tell me his marriage to Michelle and having two children disproves that he's gay. Remember Jim McGreevey, the former governor of New Jersey, who got himself into some trouble, and then came out of the closet to declare himself a “gay American?” He was married and had children too, but that didn't stop him from being gay either.

Once again, the geometric logic.  There was a documented case of a guy who was married and had kids, and was gay!  Therefore, all men who are married and have kids are gay.  I'm married, but don't have kids, so I'm probably just bi.

There are two sources to the claim of Obama being gay that I believe are credible.

Is one of them your penis?  Or your anus?  I only ask because, as a former history major, I have a preference for primary sources. 

The first is Larry Sinclar, who wrote the book Barack Obama & Larry Sinclair: Cocaine, Sex, Lies & Murder? 

Why is there a question mark in that title?  Is Larry asking us if he did all that stuff with Obama?  How are we supposed to know?  I've only been to Chicago twice, and on neither occasion did anyone offer me cocaine, sex, or murder (although I'm pretty sure a guy lied to me about what was in the pupusas they were selling out of that stand in Montrose Field).

Sinclair says it was well known in the Chicago gay community that Barack Obama is gay.

"Public records and court filings reveal that [Sinclair] has a 27-year criminal record, with a specialty in crimes involving deceit. The record includes forgery charges in two states, one of which drew Sinclair a 16-year jail sentence. The Pueblo County, Colo., Sheriff's Office also has an outstanding warrant for Sinclair's arrest for forging an acquaintance's signature and stealing her tax refunds."

"It is what it is," said Sinclair's spokesman, Montgomery Blair Sibley, of his client's criminal record. "He's not hiding from it, he's not denying it."

And not denying that you're a criminal is the same thing as being honest.  But Mr. Sibley might be guilty of shading the truth himself, at least when he appeared with Larry at his press conference in 2008:

[A] kilted lawyer (with a suspended license) named Montgomery Blair Sibley...informed those assembled that his preferences in dress were arrived at as a way to secure comfort for his unusually large sexual organs. "I don't know why men wear pants," he said with a poker face. "It's a function of male genitalia. If you're size normal or smaller, you're probably comfortable with [pants]. ... Those at the other end of the spectrum find them quite confining." 

"I asked him to wear a suit and tie," Mr. Sinclair said ruefully. Then, he admitted to suffering from a brain tumor.

Back to Dean:

Frequent World Net Daily columnist, Dr. Jerome Corsi, has also researched and written on this issue. I believe he is a credible source as well. In this article, titled “Claim: Obama hid 'gay life' to become president,” Corsi documents extensively the claim that Obama is in fact gay.

I dunno, Dean, there seems to be a little too much slack in your tautology.  Nevertheless, Dr. Jerome Corsi is clearly a credible source on Who's Got The Gay?, because he also made this well-documented claim:

In a speech recently posted online, prolific conspiracy theorist Jerome Corsi claims that the gay rights movement will ultimately lead to the legalization of pedophilia, bestiality and “snuff films” in which you “kill a few people because it’s sexually exciting.” 

“If sex becomes disassociated from a biblical purpose, than all the abuses we saw in paganism are about to return,” Corsi warns, adding that if the country “proceeds down this path…there will no longer be any basis for freedom in the United States.”

As much as it pains me to admit, Corsi is right. Ever since marriage equality became legal in California, Netflix has been suggesting so many snuff films that they've completely pushed my C. Thomas Howell and Deanna Durbin wishlists to the second page!

Perhaps this answers the question about whether Obama really is a Christian or whether he is a Muslim, as some have claimed and polls show that a minority of American still believe the President Obama is a Muslim. This might well be why Obama actually is a Christian, and at some point chose to become one. Christians don't hate gays; Christians who believe that homosexuality is wrong take the humane approach of loving the sinner and opposing the sin. Muslims, on the other hand, have been known to stone someone for being gay. 

Would you be a Muslim if it put you as risk for being killed because of your lifestyle choices?

Hey, you're the guy recruiting people to become Breitbarts, and that's a job with a slightly higher mortality rate than that nitroglycerin-hauling gig in The Wages of Fear.

The Nutty Professor

Before starting a teaching job at one of California's many fine universities or junior colleges, the prospective instructor must first undergo a simple hazing ritual that involves looking upon the hideous visage of a Lovecraftian Elder God.  If the applicant survives, his new colleagues clap him on the back, and everybody goes out for drinks and appetizers at the Cheesecake Factory..

However, if a glimpse of Yog-Sothoth or Shub-Nigurrath reduces the candidate to a gibbering madness, he is immediately subdued by the able-bodied men present, immobilized with leather gyves and a stout canvas "restraining sheet," and offered the chance to pick up a little extra cash writing articles for American Thinker. Then everybody piles into the Party Bus and it's off to the Cheesecake Factory!

This week's Cthulhu-plagued pedagogue is Robert Oscar Lopez, English Professor at California State University-Northridge.  But before we get to Professor Lopez's particular moral hobbyhorse, let's take a moment to meet the man himself.

[cue The Dating Game theme]

Bachelor Number One describes himself as a "children's advocate" and the editor of English Manif, a bilingual French-English blog which promotes the idea that "The rights of children trump the desires of any group such as the LGBT lobby seeking control of children for their personal fulfillment."

When the Minnesota legislature was considering marriage equality, Bachelor Number One showed up twice to testify as an expert witness:

On March 12, he told the Senate Judiciary Committee a convoluted story about growing up with a lesbian mother, falling himself into a life of drugs and promiscuity as a young gay man and finally marrying a woman and becoming a father. The experience, he testified, scarred him for life.

I'm sure my Dad would agree with Professor Lopez that becoming a father can leave a few scars. Especially when the ungrateful little twerp refuses to mow the lawn or get a haircut.

"[My peers] learned, typically, how to be bold and unflinching from male figures and how to write thank-you cards and be sensitive from female figures. These are stereotypes, of course, but stereotypes come in handy when you inevitably leave the safety of your lesbian mom’s trailer and have to work and survive in a world where everybody thinks in stereotypical terms, even gays.”

"So in conclusion, Senators, when you consider upending an institution that has been a cornerstone of civilized society since time immemorial, please remember the stereotypical trailer lesbians. Thank you."

“Young adult men’s support for redefining marriage may not be entirely the product of ideals about expansive freedoms, rights, liberties, and a noble commitment to fairness,” he is quoted as concluding. “It may be, at least in part, a byproduct of regular exposure to diverse and graphic sex acts.”

As several scientifically rigorous, peer-reviewed studies have shown, the more porn stars toss each other's salad, the more the typical young adult man thinks about marriage.

Prof. Lopez appearing uninvited before the Minnesota State Senate Judiciary Committee to answer the eternal, if unasked question of how he caught The Gay from two lesbians in a mobile home.  The Committee unanimously voted his testimony the Worst Penthouse Forum Letter Ever.

Anyway, on with the Professor's lecture:

The International Gay War on Black People

The most blatant contempt toward black Americans I've seen recently has come from none other than the organized leadership of the LGBT lobby.

ME:  And where exactly did you see that, Professor?

LOPEZ:  Inside this kaleidoscope!   (BRANDISHES LIFELIKE 13-INCH RUBBER PENIS)

ME:  I thought kaleidoscopes were those cardboard tube thingies.  That actually looks more like an enormous dildo...

LOPEZ:  Of course it does!  Where else would you hide the LGBT lobby?  (PUTS THE MEATUS TO HIS EYE AND TWISTS THE FORESKIN BACK AND FORTH)  Ohhh, you should see how racist they're being in here. Also, if you turn it real fast, it looks like the opening credits of Family Affair.

Donnie McClurkin, an award-winning musician, was supposed to perform at the fiftieth anniversary of Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s march on Washington. McClurkin is a black Christian who has come forward with an inspiring life story. He was molested as a boy and developed homosexual behaviors, possibly as a result of the trauma.

I dunno, Prof...as inspirational TV movie fodder goes, it's not exactly Brian's Song.  And if we're going to offer pseudo-scientific explanations for same-sex attraction, we should make certain that we're absolutely sure of our fake facts.  Have you considered the possibility that Mr. McClurkin developed homosexual behaviors as the result of a vaccination?  Or maybe he was driven to knob-gobble after years of using Sexy Hair's Soy Renewal Nourishing Styling Treatment.  (By the way, is it just me, or does The Knobgobbler sound like a character from those old McDonaldland commercials?)

Later his faith helped him to overcome his homosexual desires and live a more biblical life.

Now he spends most of his time cuckolding Hittites and refusing to mix his fabrics.

Under pressure from gay power activists in Washington the mayor of Washington, D.C., Vincent Gray, decided to drop McClurkin from the concert. McClurkin was humiliated. LGBT activists felt that someone who had called homosexuality a "sin" could not perform at a concert commemorating the life and work of a black Christian reverend.

Well, he also called it a "curse," but maybe he was just talking about the way trailer lesbians synchronize their monthly cycles.

Professor Lopez goes on for awhile, so let me summarize: at this point he rehearses a litany of African-Americans who've said or done discriminatory things regarding gay people and gotten flack for it.  Why is he the spokesperson for Black Christendom?  Probably for the same reason he's the leader of a Children's Crusade against the LGBT powers of personal fulfillment.

The peculiar ideology of the LGBT lobby, however, seems fashioned perfectly to inflame the rage and resistance of African-Americans. First, the ideology is based on biological determinism. The repeated appeals to the Fourteenth Amendment depend upon the notion that homosexuals are born with their orientation in the same way black people are born with dark skin. This isn't the most inviting way to start a comparison: "Hi, I'm a guy who loves playing with other men's genitals, and that's just like you being black!"

I really need to quit using this as an icebreaker at the Apollo.

There is an added dimension to this dangerous form of essentialism, however. The LGBT lobby is driven by the belief that people whom they classify as "born homosexuals" must engage in the actual acts of sexual gratification with the same sex, or there is something wrong with them.

Dude, this is America.  TV commercials for fast food patty melts make you feel bad if you're not having sex -- straight, gay, or otherwise.  

Within this logic, it is impossible to go from homosexual activity to non-homosexual activity.

I had no idea homosexuality was so powerful that gay guys can't stop blowing each other long enough to make a pot roast or buy snow tires.

So convinced are LGBT activists of this rejection of free will and self-control that they have moved to make it illegal in California, New Jersey, and Massachusetts for counselors to help minors cease or avoid sexual activities with the same sex.

And if you outlaw an entire industry based on quack psychology and self-loathing, it will likely have drastic and deleterious effects on society.  For one thing, it may lead to a decrease in teen suicides.  Which, okay, I admit sounds good, but will almost certainly produce unintended consequences, such as...um...fewer Bobbie Gentry songs?

The LGBT lobby also demands that same-sex couples have the right to be parents. Here is where the movement becomes utterly irreconcilable with black history...For same-sex couples to become parents, they must purchase children. They won't call it that, of course. But buying sperm from a sperm-bank or renting a woman's womb both entail the exchange of money for ownership of a child. The state is then embroiled in the arrangement as an enforcer of the contract, compelling the child and third parties to respect the authority of two adults, one or both of whom are unrelated to the child, and both of whom came into possession of a dependent human being through money.

Ahhh...that explains this birth announcement I just got from my friends Mark and Pam:

How does this sound for a race of people who came out of slavery? Do you think it makes sense to tell black people, who were treated as chattel and stereotyped as savages incapable of self-control, that they ought to jump on board?

Had Harriet Beecher Stowe only known that slavery, which seemed such a cruel injustice in her day, would come to seem trivial compared to in vitro fertilization, she probably would have titled her book Uncle Tom's Sperm Bank.

Has it ever occurred to the LGBT lobby's loudmouths that they are fighting for segregation, not against it, so they shouldn't be comparing themselves to blacks fighting Jim Crow at all?

This should be good...

 After all, to fight for same-sex marriage means that the state endorses the creation of separate estates for male/male and female/female couples, with restricted access to property. Old marriage laws ensured gender diversity within households; same-sex marriage drives men and women into ghettoized enclaves.

So traditional marriage was really just affirmative action?  It was a quota system?  In other words, Professor, you're telling me that under the old law, even if I found a more qualified man to propose to, I could be forced by the government to marry a woman?  Alright, that's it!  I'm taking this all the way to the Supreme Court.

Laws against miscegenation were based on the idea that whites were born to mate with whites and not with blacks -- so why is racial history being cited by a lobby that thinks gays were born to mate with the same sex and not the opposite sex (orientation-mixing, which they view as unnatural and even want to outlaw in California, Massachusetts, and New Jersey?).

Wow. That makes so little sense I'm surprised the Professor doesn't teach criminology.

Gina Miller, Agent of D.Y.K.E.

I don't believe we've featured Ms. Miller before, so we can probably file this one under Scouting Reports, but according to her astonishingly brief (by RenewAmerica standards) bio, "Gina Miller, a native of Texas and current resident of the Mississippi Gulf Coast, is a conservative Christian political writer and radio/television voice professional."

More than that, she's a secret agent who has penetrated to the very bowels of the "homofascist" High Command.  Okay...Let's cue the Monty Norman surf guitar, and somebody get Julian Bond a white Persian cat!

Southern Poverty Law Center, homofascists target Mississippi museum

Today in the United States, one of the greatest threats — if not the greatest threat — to religious freedom and freedom of speech is the militant homosexual movement. There is no overstating this fact.

No, I agree -- I don't think there's any way you could make it sound much stupider.

 In the few years since the homosexual advocate Barack Obama (or whatever his name is)

"They Call Me MISTER President!"

was installed in the presidency, we have seen a boldness in the sexual anarchy movement unparalleled in our history. 

The same thing happened a couple years ago when we had a DSL line installed.  I'm still sore from all the anarcho-syndicalist sex.  But exactly how bold is it?

Obama has set homosexuals in positions at the highest levels in our government, and this is yet another of the myriad reasons it is crucial that he be ejected from power.

Unfortunately, in our haste to get the President's high level people out of their homosexual positions, we misread Gina's command and accidentally ejected Obama from the 1995 film Powder.  But it sucked pretty hard, and now I'm wondering if that wasn't what he wanted all along, and maybe he was just playing a whole Br'er Rabbit/Briar Patch mind game on us.

There is a concerted effort by radical homosexuals to use our courts to force the "acceptance" of their degenerate behavior on our country. We now see it regularly with homosexuals targeting Christian-owned businesses and other institutions, insisting with threats of legal action that Christians set aside their freedom of religion to accommodate the perverse demands of the homosexuals. They often succeed in their intimidation tactics.

They do?  Well, in that case I guess it's time for me to grease up and join the winning team!

To those who are not paying attention or who are beguiled by the deceptive message of homosexuals "only wanting equal civil rights," it is easy to discount the warnings of those of us who know the end goal of this sinister movement.

And how does Gina know the secret end goal of this sinister movement?  Frankly, I don't know, I wasn't paying attention, but I assume she went undercover as a lesbian.  She probably had to wear a lot of plaid, listen to a lot of Ani DiFranco, and raise a lot of large, friendly dogs, but gradually, over the years, she gained the trust of the militant, radical homosexual cabal, until she was at last able to listen in on the movement's innermost deliberations.  Later, utilizing "Moscow Rules" and a series of secure dead-drops, the Double-Naught Spy passed on their nefarious plans to her case officer at D.Y.K.E. (Damn, You're Killing Everyone!).

 We have yet another example of homosexual bullying — this time, occurring in collusion with the despicable Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC). As you know, the SPLC has never met a patriotic, Constitution-cherishing, conservative Christian group that it did not smear with the "hate" label.  

Which is a mistake, because I find they taste better with a nice dry rub.  Anyway, I really wish I'd grown up in this evil alternate reality where gays are the bullies and the Southern Poverty Law Center is the Klan, because I'm pretty sure I would have gotten beat up less and fit in a lot better, due to my unquestionable ability to rock a goatee.

These people in the SPLC are anti-American, anti-freedom subversives who should never be given an ounce of credibility in a sane world. But, of course, our world is not sane, and thus, the SPLC enjoys not only mainstream "credibility," but also federal non-profit, tax-exempt status.

While in our own, positive matter universe, this role is filled by the Southern Baptists.

So, the SPLC has found a pair of young women to use as battering rams against the Mississippi Agriculture and Forestry Museum in Jackson. The two girls claim they want to have a "commitment ceremony" at the museum, but the museum's policy has always been to refuse same-sex ceremonies, because homosexual "marriage" is not legal in Mississippi.

But the SPLC sent a letter threatening a lawsuit, and the "Republican Mississippi Agriculture Commissioner Cindy Hyde-Smith," who at first refused to approve the ceremony, grudgingly backed down, issuing a statement which read in part, "Based on my personal and religious beliefs, I strongly object to this, but I have no alternative, due to this advice, but to allow the processing of this permit to move forward."

So let's drink a toast to Commissioner Hyde-Smith for lacking the courage of her antediluvian convictions, or, perhaps, for being inspired to rise above a lifetime of ugly bias and finally do the right thing under penalty of a costly lawsuit.  Cheers!

Gina, however, is a bit torqued off about the whole thing.

Because there is no state law specifically outlawing same-sex "commitment ceremonies," then that means they should be allowed?

Well, how would you disallow it, Gina, since even the Mississippi Attorney General said "The federal courts have clearly said that no state can prohibit any individual from using a state-owned facility to express his or her First Amendment rights."

Read more here: http://www.sunherald.com/2012/08/09/4117594/mississippi-museum-could-allow.html#storylink=cpy

 That is twisted "logic." 

And if we really were living in the Star Trek "Mirror, Mirror" universe you seem to think we are, I bet you could make that argument on Vulcan and it would totally carry the day, assuming the Vulcan Science Council was staffed entirely by SKOAL-dippin', nose pickin' yahoos.

There are probably no state laws specifically outlawing polygamist "commitment ceremonies," either, yet we know they are wrong, period. It is a shameful day when there has to be a law spelling out common-sense, moral truths, or else reprobates will use "legal loopholes" to impose their immoral will on society.

And once the reprobates are permitted to impose their immoral will, it's only a short step to a society in which we are all living beneath the ethical iron heel of the blackguards, the scoundrels, the dastards, and the scalawags, with only the occasional scamp, mountebank, and ne'er-do-well to relieve the tension.

As it turns out, the young women themselves weren't really all that interested in turning their commitment ceremony into a political cause célèbre.  From the newspaper article that got Gina's gall bladder churning out all that surplus gall:

The SPLC had said it would settle for nothing less than the state completely lifting the ban on gay ceremonies.

"Our clients are happy that they will have the opportunity to express their love for one another in front of their family and friends," SPLC lawyer Elissa Johnson said in a statement.

Sturgis told The Associated Press last month she had gone to a friend's wedding at the museum and liked it, so she thought it would be the right place for her and Key to publicly profess their love. She said they're not asking the state to recognize them as a married couple, but they just want to be able to rent the venue for a celebration as a heterosexual couple could. 

 Anyway, back to the Secret Policeman's Gall:

This woman says that homosexual couples will be treated the same as heterosexual couples, and nowadays too many misguided people see nothing wrong with that statement. 

It must be exhausting to perpetually stand athwart history, yelling, "I'm a dick!"

Homosexuality is a sin, and homosexual couples who practice their perverse bedroom behavior bear no relation to the normal, God-ordained marriage between a man and a woman.

I'm sorry, but I think this is unfair.  Let's compare a civil union between two women with the God-ordained marriage of, say, the Rev. Gary Aldridge.  True, the same-sex couple might don fewer wetsuits (it really depends on how many lesbians are big fans of Sea Hunt), while very possibly using an equivalent number of dildos.

 To say the two should be treated "equally" is the epitome of dead-wrong, because there will never be "equality" between sin and truth.

 Hatred and stupidity, however, are still neck and neck.

So, is this just an isolated case of two girls hoping to make their dream day come true? Nope. Let's look at one of the two girls, Ceara Sturgis, who has made herself into a Justin Bieber look-alike. 

Again, I have to cry foul, since it's entirely possible that your anger would be better directed at Justin Bieber for making himself look like a lesbian.

The Mississippi Agriculture and Forestry Museum was an easy target for these homofascist girls and the fascist SPLC.

As Hitler himself might have crowed, "First the Mississippi Agriculture and Forestry Museum, next the Biedenharn Museum of Coca-Cola Memorabilia!"

To the State Agriculture Commission, fighting this insane demand was more trouble than it was worth. The militant homosexual movement wins many of their diabolical battles this way.

That's how you can really tell when you're facing down pure Evil.  The more diabolical a cause, the more likely it is to inspire the forces of Light to rally and, as if with one voice, go "Meh."

Most people, businesses and states do not have the "extra" money set aside to defend against attacks from sodomites seeking to force their depraved will on the American people.

I guess I'm a little depraved myself, because whenever I hear about sodomites seeking to force their will on me, I always imagine something a little more exciting than two nice young women smooching in front of the Bisland Cotton Gin display at the Ag Museum while Aunt Lola tries to figure out how her cell phone camera works.

These girls and the SPLC knew beforehand that the museum did not allow same-sex travesty ceremonies on their property

Although, according to the Museum itself, it's a great place for a birthday party.

so they targeted the museum and set out to dismantle that right-and-proper policy. Militant homosexuals pull this kind of legal thuggery all over the nation. It is a campaign that, if not stopped or at least firmly resisted, will ultimately result in our loss of freedom of speech and expression and freedom of religion. Don't doubt it for a minute.

Oh, I don't, Gina, I don't.  In fact, thanks to the way these girls profaned the Agricultural and Forestry Museum with their love, I doubt I'll ever again be able to look upon the scale model Grist Mill with the same innocent eyes.

Read more here: http://www.sunherald.com/2012/08/09/4117594/mississippi-museum-could-allow.html#storylink=cpy