Gone Phishin'

Well, not to go all Jimmy from I Accuse My Parents, but it's my birthday, so I'm taking the day off from the Internet!  (Largely because I woke up and discovered our Internet service is out).  Anyway our regular "Sundays With S.Z." feature will be postponed this week, because I can't comb through the archives on my phone without getting a migraine.

Y'know, it's embarrassing to admit, but thanks to those weekly trips in the Wayback Machine, I've gotten so nostalgic for some of the classic, language-mangling wingnuts like Pastor Swank, or Kaye Grogan, or Mary Grabar, that I've taken to actually opening and reading my email spam just to get a fix.

This time it's Mike Tolbert, of the United Nations Development Programme, writing to me from "Plot 617/618" in the "Diplomatic Zone" (as you may recall, the last improbably named Nigerian to offer me a multimillion dollar ATM card, Mr. Robin Hood, was located in the "Cad Astral Zone," so if you'd like a fortune in unearned cash, just go to a Zone -- they're giving it away).  Anyhow, judging by Mike's address, he's apparently dead and buried, but still concerned about my lottery winnings:

We are pleased to inform you your ATM Card total ($2Million United State Dollar) and some other items was brought to our office by the United Nation Organization via a Lottery Fiduciary Claim Agent, signifying that you are a rightful winner to their Lottery Award Promo selected randomly.

Which is all well and good, but it's the typical thing, and I was just about to close the mail app and move on with my life when I saw the following sentence:

Your e-mail address was among the 5 lucky email addresses which make your email address as one of the lucky email address and they have decided to send it to you by Diploma.

I don't know about you, but I think that deserves prime exhibit space in the Hall of Tautologies in the circular Ourouboros Wing of the Pastor Swank Museum of the Language English.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to Auto Zone to pick up a couple million for the weekend.

(Phew! Internet connection spotty and slow, but sorta kinda working again)