Sunday, October 13, 2013

Sundays With S.Z.: You Gotta Inspect Your Horn, Boy!

Originally published November 13, 2005

Sunday Sermon

Today's inspirational message comes to us from Pastor Swank.
While such theologically liberal denominations as the Episcopal Church continue to baptize practicing homosexual lifestyles as God ordained, they add to the increase of sexually transmitted diseases.
Hey, if baptizing practicing homosexual lifestyles is what God ordained, then why criticize the Episcopalians for doing as He commanded?  (Although, I am confused about exactly how one baptizes a lifestyle, practicing or not.  Sure, you can take the lifestyle down by the river and hold it under the water, but how are you going to know whether it was completely immersed?)
All the while, these supposedly sophisticated congregations further disease, particularly such outbreaks as syphilis.
By not mandating protection during their Sunday orgies, they are indeed furthering such outbreaks.
According Xinhuanet, "new syphilis cases rose nationwide in US for the fourth consecutive year in 2004, federal health researchers said on Tuesday."
XinhuaNet is a product of the Xinhua News Agency, the official press agency of the People's Republic of China (which is considered by many to be 'an instrument of state-sponsored propaganda").  So, I think we've learned a little something about Pastor Swank today: namely, that he's a propagandist for Red China. (I imagine that he was sent here as a deep-cover mole about ten years ago; his mission is to undermine our morale and syntax with his columns.  The fact that he learned English in spy school at the age of 52 would account for writing style.) 
The news feed further to specify that the "syphilis increase was especially significant among gay men. . ." 
Aligning with the Episcopal Church are the United Church of Christ (Congregational) and Unitarian Universalist Society. These groups have made it front line public relations to speak for active homosexuals. Instead of the biblical teachings, their pulpits have been particularly active in preaching sermons devoted to accepting homosexual interchanges as heaven blessed.
The liberal press has made little of the liberal denominations aiding the increase of sexually transmitted diseases, yet that is exactly what has resulted from the denominational apostasy voted in by the denominations' voting assemblies in recent years.
Damn that liberal press, which refuses to blame liberal denominations for spreading STDs!
Theologically conservative churches remain loyal to regarding the Bible as divine revelation; therefore, these congregations preach personal salvation through Christ. That preaching does not permit deleting portions of the Bible for the convenience of sin. 
Conservative congregations are usually categorized as "evangelical." Therefore, the evangelical witness maintains that all persons, including homosexuals, are welcomed at their churches. They will then be introduced to the living Christ and His holiness lifestyle which supplants the active homosexual lifestyle. [...] 
By turning from active homosexual lifestyles to Christian holiness, such conversions then lower the possibility of coming upon sexually transmitted diseases..
So, per Pastor Swank, theologically liberal denominations haven't been telling gays that God hates their sexual orientation, so these churches are responsible for the rising rates of syphilis and chlamydia in the United States.  But evangelicals preach a "holiness lifestyle," and therefore their congregations have no sexually transmitted diseases whatsoever. 

Shall we test that theory?

Of course, the CDC doesn't keep track of STD rates by religion, but it does do it by state (see "STD statistics for the USA").  So, keeping in mind Pastor Swank's thesis, you'd expect that a theologically and politically liberal state like Taxachusetts or Vermont to be at the top of the list for STDs, wouldn't you?   (Okay, you wouldn't, but play along with me, okay?)

So, you will be shocked, SHOCKED to learn that in 2004, Louisiana, a Red State in the Bible Belt, ranked highest in cases of syphilis per capita.  Mississippi (Red State, Bible Belt) was number one for both chlamydia and gonorrhea.  However, Massachusetts and Vermont didn't make the top ten for any of the STDs -- proof positive that it's the liberal churches' fault that the rate of new sphyllis cases have increased for the past three years. 

Fun Facts Time: the all-time low of 2.1 cases of syphilis per 100,000 people occurred in 2000-2001.  Interestingly enough, the highest rate of syphilis since they began measuring these things (70.9) was in 1946, when no churches were baptizing homosexual lifestyles. 

Now some might attribute the dramatic drop in the number of cases of the clap to penicillin, condoms, and those graphic "hygiene" films they started making during WWII.  But I like to think it's because of the liberal baptism of practicing lifestyles, even if that does go against the official Chi-Com talking points  

4:17:15 AM


Li'l Innocent said...

There's a joke in there about how you can lead a lifestyle to water...

... somewhere in there...

I wonder what inspired the Pastor to start taking off of Xinhua News? Charming as s.z.'s theory is, the Pastor is/was just a loose cannon, it's hard to envision him under any kind of discipline at all, much less Beijing's.

Ace Maxs said...

i really like your information thank's for your share i this post ^____^

Scott said...

And thank's you, Ace, for the spare apostrophe and the emoticon with the sociopathically flat affect.

grouchomarxist said...

Even if the complement is 8 years too late, nice use of a Mr. B. Natural quote, s.z.

Judging from what I've read of the good Pastor these last few months, I bet he "inspects" his "horn" not just once but several times each day.