Friday, December 12, 2014

The Benefits of a Classical Education

You may remember the PolitiChicks as "The Voice of the Conservative Woman," and also as a kind of collective wingman for the "Hottest Conservative Supermen in America," talking up the sexual prowess of ubermenschen such as Jonah Goldberg, Hugh Hewitt, and Louis Gohmert.

But it's not all about intensely blonde women catcalling intensely white men, because some of the Politichicks are actually PolitiDicks, such as Dr. J.P. Sloane, who takes a subject -- occasions and events appropriate for the National Cathedral -- which in lesser hands might prove rather bland, and spices it up for the holidays with a dry rub of parochial panic:
Our Nation's Cathedral-Mosque-the Abomination of Desecration Has Begun!
Judging by the title, Dr. Sloane appears to have a gift for light verse in the vein of Ogden Nash, if Nash had spent less time writing poems about baseball and animals and more time scribbling couplets about holy war.  Otherwise, his work is new to World O' Crap, so let's skip to the bottom of the article and check his c.v.:
Dr. Sloane graduated from: Purdue University, The Institute of Charismatic Studies at Oral Roberts University, The Moody Bible Institute, and The Institute of Jewish-Christian Studies.
Dr. Sloane is also the World's Leading Wayne Newton Impersonator... you can see why he chose to take an advanced degree in Charisma.
He earned a B.A., Summa Cum Laude, from The Master’s College where he studied at their IBEX campus in Israel and earned an M.A. in Counseling.
The Master's College is not, surprisingly, where all those negligee-wearing co-eds in Manos, The Hands of Fate matriculated, but a Bible school in suburban L.A. County (with a satellite campus in Israel staffed by a faculty of wild goats). Their mission statement calls for "Intellectual growth, as evidenced by," among other things, "Willingness to defend the inerrancy, authority and sufficiency of the Scriptures."

Anyway, the sheer number of schools he's attended is Palinesque, and we're not even done, because Dr. (or should I say "Dr."? I probably should) Sloane "earned two doctorates" from Trinity Theological Seminary, which is an unaccredited correspondence school in Indiana.  And all this while cultivating a PTL-worthy pompadour and a pencil mustache!

So let's see what's caused "Dr." Sloane's consternation about the abomination desecration. I'm gonna guess it's religious desegregation, leading to Muslim indoctrination.
America was founded on the premise that we are the second Israel because—like Israel—we were founded to honor the God of the Bible and His Laws.
I guess I missed that Article in the Constitution, but I'll admit I started skimming about halfway through, and then just skipped to the end to see who did it.  However, assuming, arguendo, that we were founded to be the "second Israel," this raises the question of whether we're a good sequel, like Captain America: The Winter Soldier, or a bad sequel, like Highlander II: The Quickening.  Or perhaps Israel is just a really crappy prequel, like Episode One: The Phantom Menace.
 In 1607 the very first act of the first English speaking settlers was to plant a huge Cross on Cape Henry at Virginia Beach dedicating America and the new continent to Christ. 
Their second act was to promptly begin starving to death.
This act was followed by the Pilgrims arrival in 1620 who made a covenant (Mayflower Compact) with God between themselves and their new land. Our Constitution is based on that covenant.
That explains why the Preamble to the Constitution spends so much ink kissing the king's ass. Anyway, I'm sure the Iroquois are relieved to be off the hook for an alleged compendium of civil rights that can't even manage to prohibit torture. At least not according to Justice Scalia.
The discoverer of this new land by Europeans was Christopher (means “Christ-bearer”) Columbus. One of the main purposes of his adventure was to spread the gospel of Jesus Christ to the heathens.
He did this primarily through slavery, disease, and murder, since televangelism hadn't been invented yet.
On 9/11 God sent a harbinger (sign of warning) to Israel in the form of attacks by Assyria when they began turning their backs on God and seeking other supernatural sources (Isaiah 8-9). 
Sadly, ancient Israel missed this sign of warning through a clerical error; since the Gregorian calendar hadn't been invented yet, they actually got the September 11 harbinger on 16 Elul. Also, let's face it, Isaiah is a pretty action-packed book, and they could easily have been distracted by all the satyrs and dragons in chapter 13 (h/t to Yastreblyansky)
In England the Muslims are buying up all the abandoned Christian churches and making them their mosques. By doing so, Muslims hope to establish in the minds of others the superiority of Islam.
Their actions makes a mockery of the Christian faith, whose strength is symbolized by its many abandoned churches!
In non-Muslim countries where they build mosques, the minarets are taller than the church steeples.
But "minaret" doesn't rhyme with "people," so muslims can't do that finger-wiggling thing to amuse bored kids on the way to Easter mass.
In the National Cathedral in Washington, D.C., which took 83 years to build, the unthinkable has occurred in only 24 years after the cathedral’s completion. On November 14, 2014—two months after the anniversary of 9/11—on the Muslim Sabbath—the first of many planned Islamic worship services began on the eve of our nation’s day of Thanksgiving to the biblical God and the ushering in of the Christmas season. 
If you look to this paragraph to provide what most do -- thoughts, meaning, and impressions conveyed through the medium of the English language -- you're likely to be disappointed. But if you add up all those superfluous figures and dates you'll have enough numbers to play Lotto Pick Six.
America has murdered millions of its own sons and daughters in the womb—America has prevented prayers in school (except for Muslim prayers that are required by Shari Law)—America has sanctified homosexual marriage between men with men and women with women—and America has removed Crosses from our public view and nativity displays at Christmas from the public square in complete defiance of the First Amendment which clearly states: Congress shall make no law…prohibiting the free exercise of religion; or abridging the freedom of speech….
Ah, so "Dr." Sloane believes it's against the First Amendment to not have a creche on the courthouse steps.  KWillow was right.
The history of our National Cathedral began when the corner stone was laid under the supervision of President Teddy Roosevelt in 1907 and completed under President George W. Bush in 1990. 
Okay, it may have taken 83 years to build, which seems dilatory, but I think some credit should go to George W. Bush for bringing his Presidency in ten years ahead of schedule.
Now the powers that be in Washington—in compliance with the presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church—committed the final ABOMINATION to the God of the Bible by having a Muslim offer up Islamic prayers—in that Christian Sanctuary—to the Moon God Allah, resulting in an unforgivable DESECRATION of that Christian altar. This action brings further shame to America in the face of God’s harbinger that warns of America of its impending doom if Americans don’t repent!
Anyway, Bingo at 7:30 PM on Wednesday. Bring a dish to pass.


Smut Clyde said...

The discoverer of this new land by Europeans was Christopher (means “Christ-bearer”) Columbus
Did this Dweeb from the Planet of Soft-focus just diss my homie Leif Ericson?? TO THE LONGSHIPS!!

Muslim prayers that are required by Shari Law
I was skeptical so I checked, and that is indeed what Mr Mail-order wrote. Perhaps 'Shari' is short for 'Sharona'.

Scott said...

Perhaps he meant the Shari's Restaurant chain, which serves coffee, pie, and apparently, theocracy.

Smut Clyde said...

In England the Muslims are buying up all the abandoned Christian churches and making them their mosques.

I would have thought that to be a improvement, what Wren / Hawksmoor churches being secretly consecrated to Freemasonry and Satanism, as any fule kno.* But I haven't seen any of those conversions myself, possibly due to the floor-plans and symbolism of English churches not lending themselves to moon-god architectural traditions.

I can vouch for the fact that in Scotland all the disused churches are being bought by beer-heads and converted into pubs (to establish in the minds of others the superiority of fermented hopped barley-based beverages).

In non-Muslim countries where they build mosques, the minarets are taller than the church steeples.

The Central Mosque under construction in Cologne will have 55-metre-high minarets, which will way overshadow the Cologne Cathedral with its mere 157.4-metre steeple.

I'm beginning to suspect that God has forbidden Mr Sloane from consulting the G**gle.

* My favourite is St Leonards of the Illuminati.

Doc Logan said...

Maybe "Shari Law" means the worship of Shari Lewis? I may have misunderstood, but I once heard someone mention that Shari Lewis is venerated by the French.

Yastreblyansky said...

Here is the mosque
and here are the minarets;
turn over the spider
and see all the spinnerets.

I want my theocracy with a side of bacon.

Weird Dave said...

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The page you are looking for doesn't seem to exist.

Anonymous said...

OMG ! Some of this could be my fault.
St Leonards, Shoreditch.Nearly 70 years ago,I, the daughter of a Catholic father and a Jewish mother, was christened right there.Neither of my parents gave a f*ck about religion, so they just went to the neighbourhood Church of England and had me dunked so I could write CofE on all official forms thereafter.
Could I have unwittingly defiled the place or was it the Illuminati? Or am I now automatically a member ? OMG - what to do? What to do?

Kathy said...

Moon god? Diana, Athena, Ariadne, Athenesic, Candi, and many others ( would be pretty indignant at Allah grabbing the moon!

You know, most non-Abrahamic religions can't tell Christianity apart from Islam from Judaism. They're really shocked by the hatred between Southern Baptists and Grace Baptists!

maryclev said...

The discoverer of this new land by Europeans was Christopher (means “Christ-bearer”) Columbus.

Actually, Columbus discovered Haiti and the Dominican Republic, afterwhich he declared that he reached Asia and then he went home. He did return in later years, but everyone he ever met hated him by then.

He never walked the land that the pilgrims landed upon; the most he did was "discover" South America, via Venezuela, and convinced himself that he had found the outer islands of China.

In short, he was a nitwit with a savage streak who failed at finding a shorter route to Asia.

ckc (not kc) said...

Canada and Mexico get to fight over who is Egypt/Lebanon/Syria/Jordan (we know who are the Palestinians)

heydave said...

Perhaps this is a subtle shout out to our own beloved Sheri.

Or perhaps he is just an asshat means wears his hat on his ass).