Monday, October 27, 2014

We Had Joy, We Had Fun, We Had Treason in the Sun

You may remember Douglas MacKinnon -- former flack for Bob Dole, ex-Commander of Joints, and the author of novels so abysmal they make Snoopy look like Trollope.  But Doug is vast, he contains multitudes, and like all men should be judged not solely by his deeds, but by the content of his character; so I'll just point out that he's also a traitor.

Recently, Douglas huddled in a corner booth at the Shake Shack with members of his seditious Breakfast Club and planned the dissolution of the Union over a plate of Eggs Benedict Arnold.  The result was his new book, The Secessionist States of America: The Blueprint for Creating a Traditional Values Country . . . Now.  But I know what you're wondering: who are these shadowy members of Doug's Early Bird Cabal?  Fortunately, commenter jackd performed a Herculean feat of taxonomy and broke them down by alleged area of expertise, and where they'd likely get to sit in the A-Team van:
Let's see how low we can go and still qualify for MacKinnnon's Brain Trust: 
a constitutional law expert 
Someone who attended law school. Might have graduated. Might have passed the bar. Might be practicing. Might even be teaching Con Law, given how many for-profit colleges and law schools are out there. 
two former military officers 
Note he didn't say *commissioned* officers. 
two former diplomats 
Guys who used to be in the State department. Somewhere. 
a minister 
Volunteer youth minister? Leader of a storefront church with a congregation numbering firmly in the dozen? 
another special operator 
And here I'm going to quote Sheri: "I was believing his whole back story about him and his unemployed men's group getting together to foment an uprising until I got to the mention of "another special operator." Is this a Time/Life operator, or does he mean "special operative"? Is Douglas implying that HE was a special operative?

I had to track down this mystery. So, I read his bio, that said that he had a Government Top Secret clearance - which means only that his treasonous hadn't yet been discovered, because everybody in the DC area has a TS clearance."
and experts on banking, energy, farming, and infrastructure 
A guy who worked at a bank, a guy who worked for a power company, a guy who worked on a farm, and a guy who dug ditches. Note that this could be as few as two people to merit the plural of expert. 
And that's the kind of expertise you bring together to agree that the right thing for true patriots to do is commit treason.
Well, Doug's book is out, and he's hitting the trail to promote it.  A number of sites have already printed some of the juicy bits from his appearance on evangelical talk radio host Janet Mefferd's program, so I decided to go the extra six inches and transcribe the whole thing. It was extremely illuminating, much like someone driving toward you with their highbeams on until it triggers a migraine.  Take it away, Doug...
We looked at what states would be viable in terms of doing something like this and in fact what states would provides sort of the new land mass for a new republic dedicated to traditional values, and the consensus was that the three best states in the union would be South Carolina, Georgia, and Florida. 
Suck it, Alabama. Even the neo-Confederates would rather not have to explain you.
Because of not only their population and so many folks in those states have, you know, a strong belief in traditional values, but also because of the natural resources within those states, the infrastructure within those states, and their access to both the Atlantic Ocean and the Gulf of Mexico
Yeah, about that infrastructure...A lot of it was subsidized, or entirely paid for by the Federal Government of the United States,'re gonna give that back, right?  And don't just leave it out on the lawn, either; when we come by in the U-Haul, you need to get off your ass and help us load I-95 in the truck. There's pizza and beer in it for you.

As for the natural resources, South Carolina's top crop is tobacco, which kills its consumers, so it's not really a huge growth industry. Number two is cotton, but there's no real textile industry in this country anymore, and most of the sweatshops are overseas, so who knows how long that'll last. On the bright side, the third top cash crop is marijuana, which Larry Kudlow advises you to buy, buy, buy!, so you'll stop trying to bum his cocaine.

Georgia's top three crops are cotton (see above), peanuts, and -- once again -- marijuana, so while they may be pining for the past, they're planting for the future!  Florida's number two crop is dope, behind oranges, while in my native state of California the Devil's Weed with Roots in Hell and Humboldt County is number one, ahead of grapes, almonds, and Kryptonian Hamster Ball Babies.
A lot of folks of course talk about Texas, and I’m a huge fan of Texas 
Although I prefer their early, funny stuff.
but one of the problems that we discussed as a group in regard to Texas is what problems would crop up if that ever came up – and we’re only talking in academic discussion here and in theory – and just so the government understands. 
At this point Doug chuckled in a way that said, "Even though I've just published a plan to carve a three-state empire out of the U.S. like some 19th Century filibuster, the Feds can't arrest me for sedition because I uttered a fake laugh, which is the audible equivalent of crossing your fingers behind your back. You know, most historians agree that Hitler wouldn't have gone to jail for his part in the Beer Hall Putsch if he'd only paused periodically to snicker and say, 'Just kidding.'"
But if in fact you tried to do something like that, then would the government of Mexico look at Texas as sort of you know, in more hostile manner than it already does now
Does Mexico look at Texas in a hostile manner?  I mean, I know I do, but then I look at most things that way (I've been throwing shade at this Otter Pop for like fifteen minutes).
because there has certainly been a number of incursions into Texas and other places from SOME of the folks in Mexico. 
I made an incursion into Texas once.  I mean, American Airlines called it a "layover," and all I did was eat cole slaw and drink a Tab, but I prefer to think of it as an act of aggression.
And so that’s one of the things the group looked at, And then it’s one of those things too, where again, the state legislatures, you know, have the ability, as they did, you know – people tend to forget the PAST, you know, at their own peril, but when the America Civil War, before it happened, you have to remember that ALL ELEVEN STATES, from the South – including ultimately Texas – seceded LEGALLY. And so they left the Union PEACEFULLY. They left the Union LEGALLY. 
You may wonder why Doug repeatedly bellowed those particular words. Well, it actually goes back to the siege of Fort Sumter, when U.S. Army Captain Abner Doubleday asked his commanding officer, Major Robert Anderson, if the South Carolina militia hadn't committed an act of war by firing on them. Major Anderson replied, "That's what I thought too, but according to the Constitution, they're shelling the shit out of us legally and peacefully." Except that Anderson had to shout the words "legally" and "peacefully" so they could be heard over the sound of his horse exploding.
Then President Lincoln – and part of the problem there was that the NORTH realized very quickly that it could not survive economically without the power of the South.
They controlled nearly the entirety of America's strategic reserve of Honey Boo-Boo.
... lot of the historians, at least on the South, and scholars from the South will certainly tell you that President Lincoln waged an ILLEGAL war that was in fact not declared against the South, after the South, you know, basically did what we’re talking about in this book now in terms of peacefully, legally, and constitutionally leaving the Union.
Douglas is right that the U.S. never declared war on the South, because it never recognized the Confederate States of America -- But then, neither did any other nation on earth.  To quote Doghouse Riley: "There’s a famous precedent that no one could be tried for treason after the Civil War because the United States never recognized the CSA."

But despite these superficial disagreements, we're not really so different, Doug and I. He merely wants the South to repeat what it did at the start of the Civil War, while I only want the North to repeat what it did at the end.

Okay, that's about all I can take of Commander Joint. More later.


Helmut Monotreme said...

So, given the historical relationship of the USA to smaller, less powerful countries in it's backyard, why does he think that his Confederacy II electric boogaloo, or 'continental Cuba' wouldn't be subject to the same foreign policy that makes the Americas jump every time the USA sneezes? Does he imagine the same river of cash and building supplies would stream south after every hurricane? Does he imagine that anti immigration congressmen wouldn't immediately demand a border wall? Even if he got his secessionist utopia unless they discover a new field of economics, that does not follow that the country would be any more prosperous than a 2nd rate baptist Bulgaria.

Here's a short list of things this joker hasn't considered:

The military, even a peaceful secession would have the US military in full repo mode. They wouldn't leave a jeep or a filing cabinet that's newer than the Korean war. Except maybe MRAPs. The military is selling those off like girl scout cookies because what are the odds any of our future opponents will use land mines?

Nuclear power. Every nuke plant, every research reactor and every isotope that glows in the dark would be moved out or broken and badly disposed of in a hurry. There's no way the rest of the USA would let baptist Bulgaria be a nuclear power.

Global warming. Get a contour map and find that first line ten feet above sea level. That's your new shoreline. Notice how many of your coastal cities and how much infrastructure that puts underwater? go another 5 or ten feet higher. That's the storm surge from a small hurricane. Go to 30 feet and that's the storm surge from a big hurricane. How does that bit of news affect your plans? Or do they hope to plant more pine groves in the ruins so that Florida can once again be known as the turpentine state?

The 'fuck you' factor. How many of the people in your new confederacy will take their toys and go home? The advantages of living in a multicultural secular democracy are obvious to all but the most backward of 'Lost cause' fanboys. Everyone else will head for a less oppressive future in the remaining 47. At the same time, they will have to deal with an influx of their ideological brethren hoping to enjoy everything the new confederacy has to offer. How will they deal with the upheaval?

Government. Since the neo confederates are implicitly rejecting democracy by seceding, What form of government will they adopt? Who gets to make the rules? Why? How are they going to deal with the mass of population that is shut out of the governing process?

Sheri said...

A quick Google search revealed that Doug wants to name his new illegal nation . . . Reagan! I'm going to start working on their flag.

Pere Ubu said...

I had no idea our third biggest crop was pot.

Well, Douggie IS the "Joint Commander"...

grouchomarxist said...

Imagine the depth of my disappointment when I saw my home state of Tennessee didn't make the short list of prospective members of the U.S. of R. I mean, damn, it's not enough that we elect weasels like Bill Haslam and flamboyant goobers like Marsha Blackburn and Scott DesJarlais? What more do they want?

Sheri said...

It seems that Doug has explored the idea of secession before. Here's part of a 4-star Amazon review (possibly written by one of Doug's fellow plotters) of Doug's novel "The Last Days of America."

"This book is a great page-turner. I couldn't stop reading it. It's set in the near future and presents an incumbent conservative US President with a tremendous moral dilemma--how to prevent an elite group wanting secession from killing millions of US citizens. It's actually pretty scary stuff."

Yes, Doug has thought of killing millions of US citizens are part of a secession plan. But, like Scott said, he was only fictioning, so it's not grounds to send him to Gitmo.

Strong, life-like liberal characters make the plot all the more real. I would compare the 'top' Democrat in the book with Barak Obama or even Hillary. He's someone who has strong convictions and stands up for what he believes in... in an eloquent and inspiring manner.

Also, if you've ever visited DC you'll have a better appreciation for the book. You get an insiders view of DC: everything from the Secret Service to the people inside the Pentagon, the White House staff to the Hotel Washington dinner conversations.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I say no deal unless they take Texas, too.

Sheri said...

I can't edit my comment, so let me just explain that the last two paragraphs of the above are the rest of the review of Doug's novel. So, enjoy the review of Doug's life-like dinner conversation. But I will note that other reviewer's didn't share the enthusiasm for anything about the book.

Kathy said...

Why can't the Blue states could secede, huh? Why do Texass and Floriduh get to have all the fun? I'd like to see CA, Oregon, Washington and West Nevada Secede. Buh-bye to Arizona and New Mexico and Utah and... Texass.

We would call our new country "Roosevelt".

Kathy said...

... and there would be endless dreary arguments over which Roosevelt we were named after, Theo or FDR, often ending in fisticuffs and then handshakes, beer, and agreeing-to-disagree. That's how we blue states handle disputers.

Heh- and in actual fact, our country would be named after Elinore Roosevelt. Heh again.