Saturday, October 18, 2014

Happy Birthday, KWillow! I Got You Ten Icky Things!

Today is the natal anniversary of the delightful and much beloved KWillow, Doctor Who aficionado, charmingly acerbic commenter, and friend to all animals, both human and the better kind -- and one of our very favorite people around here. In her honor, I went through the Google search strings bringing people to World O' Crap with the intention of answering a few, but I have to's gotten really pervy in our referrer logs.  I mean, the questions used to be pretty straightforward ("how do I become a lesbian": The same way you get to Carnegie Hall, honey. Practice, practice, practice), but lately they've veered increasingly toward the outrĂ© and fetishy. And by posting them here, I'm only going to encourage that dark and disturbing trend.

Oh well.

The Top Ten Google Search Strings Bringing People to World O' Crap:
  1. mantis eating each other: Apparently, here at the Mouseketeer Clubhouse, it’s “Test Rule 34 Day."
  2. smurf vagina:  I assume this is the female equivalent of "blue balls."
  3. constructivism is bullshit:  I refuse to even engage with this bourgeois reactionary whose counter-revolutionary ideas threaten the very foundation of our non-autonomous art movement.
  4. film with hovering ugandians: That would be the prescient Danish dystopian art film It's All About Love, which argued -- in 2003! -- that battling Ebola with flight restrictions is pointless, because Africans are super buoyant and will just float over here under their own power.
  5. sweet smell in attic bats: This may be the worst impostor fragrance idea I've ever heard.
  6. hunky sexy pastor: I see Doug Giles has been doing a bit of auto-Googling again.
  7. mel gibson braveheart tits: Colloquially known as "McMoobs."
  8. mens beefy anus: I see the FDA is making even the title character of NBC's Hannibal disclose what he puts in his hotdogs.
  9. squinty dick: Um, I'll take "What a Pirate Nicknames His Genitals" for 200, Alex.
  10. the barbershop enemas: If you've never had a quartet of male nurses serenading you in close-harmony as they give you a pre-operative high-colonic, then you haven't begun to experience all the wonders Obamacare offers.
And now, please join me in wishing KWillow the happiest of birthdays and the manyest of returns.
Sexy Birthday Lizard! (Because that's a thoughtful, even contemplative face, and smart is sexy)

[Also, if you have a moment, drop by this thread and tell us which crappy horror film you'd like to see given the Better Living Through Bad Movies treatment for Halloween]


M. Bouffant said...

It's not the face as much as the leg that makes that one sexy reptilian. (Mmmm, frog le—)

Best to Kay Dub, & as many more as you can stand.

You ain't kidding about the increase in pervy referrals, my spot has some very odd (if not downright icky) ones. All in the context, I guess.

Smut Clyde said...

The search terms at Riddled have been quite subdued lately* and I accuse WO'C of hijacking searches which rightfully would have come to us.

* With the exception of "Air Balloon Hentai", "drink black balsam", and "none of these umbrellas will do gorey".

Gary said...

Returning of the many happiest!

("Air balloon hentai"? WTF?)

Doc Logan said...

A very happy birthday, KWillow!

That SBL has the soul of a poet.

Scott said...

Smut: Now I feel bad about diverting perversion in violation of your indigenous fetish rights. I mean, I certainly don't want to be the William Mulholland to your Owens Valley, so I've added Riddled to the blogroll in the hope some precious porn will seep into your water table. (And I just got it started by saying "water table," which is a meta-tag targeted at people who enjoy the "waterboarding" subgenre of torture porn, so expect a visit shortly from John Yoo.)

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

That is a thoughtful lizard.

Happy B-Day, K Willow!

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

P.S. Here's a comment:

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Delete | Not spam

Anonymous at 1:02 PM

Sorry, Nonny.

Scott said...

While I applaud community volunteers gathering together at the grassroots level to create safe spaces for penises to play, I think they may be overpromising a bit.

I'd buy "safer penis," since that's a weasel word you can justify with any arguable improvement. I might even accept "safe penis" (although "safety penis" seems preferable, since it's vague enough to deflect most liability suits), but "safest penis"? I'm sorry, Mr. Anonymous, I'm gonna want to see those FDA test results before I even think of taking that thing for a ride.

Gary said...

If you're going with penis, you might as well get the safest one.

grouchomarxist said...

But on the other hand, one should never underestimate the illicit thrill of a dangerous penis.

Happy birthday, to the esteemed KWillow!

Weird Dave said...

Belated Happy Ms. Willow.

My recommendation is the mel gibson braveheart tits is probably better than the barbershop enemas but it's your special day so you get to chose.

Sheri said...

Hope your day with full of nice things and happiness, KWillow! And I agree with Scott about how you're one of the nicest W'oC regulars to have ever been born!

Kathy said...

That is one sexxxxy lizard!

Thanks Scott, and everyone! I had a nice BDay morning, my daughter having ridden her bike 4 miles -in the Oregon drizzle- to pick up a cake. She balanced it on her handlebars and got it home in excellent shape. I'm still amazed!. I know I could never have managed such a feat of derring-do and determination. I've got a cold and spent the afternoon snoozing in bed, which is nice in a way.

Scott, let me warn you to never, ever, look up "boils" on the internet, which I did, innocently, the other day. Now, whenever my face itches... I get scared.

Kathy said...

As for crappy scary movies... well I'm too easily scared, even by the crappy ones, so I don't watch them. I used be scared by "Lassie" shows, or any show with melodramatic music. I'd run into the kitchen and cover my eyes, while everyone else in the family laughed.

Perhaps... I could suggest the first Star Trek episode, with the "Salt Vampire". Though terrified, I did watch it all the way thru, and screamed at the end when Nancy turned into a lampray eel. Heck, even my DAD screamed! Man, they don't make 'em like that any more, and its probably a good thing.

Carl said...

Happy week's anniversary of your birthday, KWill!

Anonymous said...

ANNTI sez...

Happy TWO-WEEK Anniversary Of Yer Birfday, KW!!!

And yes, I know that this makes me look like the lamest possible friend, but I already tol' her in e-mail & snail-mail, so NYEH!

She knows how very much that she is beloved, or she'd damned well BETTER!!! (heh heh heh... KIDDING!!! Jeeeeez... SOME PEOPLE...)

And I am deeply envious of your Florida Lizard, KW --- Scott never got around to telling me what kind of Sexy Birfday Lizard that *I* got, but yours is the kind that I played with as a kid, and still occasionally TRY to catch, even though they're WAY too fast for me nowadays... fun little fuckers, though. Just don't be a mow-rahn like Teh Dick & get one to clamp-onto your earlobe (or any OTHER body parts!), 'cause those little bastards DO **NOT** LET *GO*!!!!!!