Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Waxing Wroth

[Programming Note: Jim Donahue, who's responsible for making me sit through that Danish ham of an art film, It's All About Love, mentioned that two of his articles from Cashiers du Cinemart are now available online: Click here to read about the Worst Movie Ever Made, After Last Season, and here to read about Michael Powell (of Pressburger and Powell fame) and his efforts to adapt an Australian novel after Peeping Tom made him anathema in the film industry. One is hilarious and the other is fascinating, and I'll let you discover for yourself which is which.]

As you may have noticed, we got a little drunk at Dr. BDH's birthday party, and once again delved into the oeuvre of Laurie Roth, former Presidential candidate and Disco recording artist, and current radio talk show host. The "Annie Oakley of the airwaves" is also a deadly master of Tae Kwon Do, and a scientist with a Ph.D in counseling, and Sheri was so taken by Dr. Roth's prose stylings that she teased us with a TV Guide-style blurb for her next piece:
Ms. Roth seems to have written a special column for Dr. BDH this week - it's about how Obama is letting a new strain polio infect our kids, and helping ISIS bring in ebola patients so he can mandate vaccinations with tracking devices in them - or something. Anyway, it's medical paranoia.
Say no more! I'm in.
Coming to a theater near you: Forced vaccinations, martial law, millions of deaths on their way
Sounds like your average summer blockbuster, but what the hell. At least the movie theater is air conditioned.
Planned diseased and criminal illegal alien invasion on America.
Eh. It's not the worst logline I've ever heard -- although it's probably the least grammatical. So fine, you got two minutes: let's hear your pitch.
It is known far and wide now that diseases have been brought over our borders through this massive "illegal alien" entourage being bused in organized fashion throughout our country, all at the hands of the Obama administration. 
I'm opposed to the forced busing of Pink Eye and Pediatric Scabies, yet at the same time I'm proud of how organized our contagious diseases are. Say what you want about Obama, at least he made the epidemics run on time.
We are seeing the introduction of diseases into our population that are maiming and killing people everywhere.
The President promised me improved medical care. Instead, everyone in my Fantasy Fooseball League is dead, I lost the tip of my left index finger to chickenpox, and now I'll never play the autoharp again!
Think of the mysterious respiratory disease/virus that is acting similar to polio affecting our children and leading to paralysis called EVD 68. 
It looks like Dr. Roth tried to link to offgridsurvival.com, an e-commerce site that drums up panic about the coming collapse of Western Civilization, then soothes the reader's angst by selling them combat slingshots and pocket water filters, but she misspelled it "offgridsurival". However, I looked up EVD 68 -- which sounds like a social disease you'd catch at Woodstock -- and the Washington Post did indeed have an article about this mysterious plague.  It turns out, EVD 68 (or Enterovirus 68) "is the name used to describe a group of more than 100 of the most common viruses that affect humans and other mammals."

Hm. Okay, but I'm sure it's still a sign of the End Times, and will increase in size and severity and until its reach casts an icy shadow o'er all, and the once fecund earth becomes a vast abattoir. 
The outbreak, though worse than usual, is typical for this time of year, and the CDC expects that cases will decline in the fall. 
All right, maybe I won't spring for the deluxe tactical slingshot just yet.
The CDC is saying this is quickly becoming a nationwide epidemic.
Actually, they're not, but far be it from me to argue epidemiology with Doctor of Counseling Roth.
 Back in February 2014 at least 25 children in California came down with this polio-like EVD 68. This is growing huge and a national emergency in itself. All this can be thrown at the feet of the "disease flame thrower" Barack Obama. It is everywhere and a very common disease all throughout South America. It is very serious and deadly.
I'm glad to see RenewAmerica is mixing up the Presidential sobriquets a bit. I was getting tired of "Dictator-in-Chief," but I think it'll be a long time before I can say "Disease Flame Thrower Barack Obama" without giggling, and I sincerely hope that this is is just be the beginning of a trend in which the President is crediting with spreading various illness via unlikely weapons. For instance, if we see an outbreak of dysentery, I trust Dr. Roth will accuse Obama of indiscriminately throwing the "Shart Jart."
Now, ISIS – that we are pretending to attack –
It's a little game we like to play. We're basically Kato to ISIS's Inspector Clouseau.
 is bringing in their version of suicide bombers throughout America.
I wonder how their version differs from the original? Maybe they're glitter bombers, or perhaps their suicide vests are trimmed with rickrack.
 According to the breaking research of Whalid and Ted Shoebat (regular guests of my national radio show)
And brothers of disgraced Major Leaguer "Shoeless Joe" Shoebat.
ISIS is planning to bring in people throughout America infected with EBOLA. They are most likely already peppered throughout many cities now.
Well that does sound delicious, but it leaves me wondering what EBOLA is an acronym for.  Every Boy Oiled Larry's Ass?  Etruscan Bowlers Only Love Acrobats? Eat Bivalves Ostentatiously in Los Alamos?
Forget suicide bombers with explosives attached to them. They have evolved to the next level now. 
They have become pure energy. Or sheer energy -- I can't remember. Anyway, they're wearing explosive pantyhose now.
ISIS might as well join the disease party, so by Christmas we can have a nice variety package of destruction and horror...lets see, EVD 68, EBOLA, TB, and scabies. Anyone want some bloody slush with your Christmas Hors D Oeuvres?
If that's meant to scare me, you've clearly never tried my grandma's Lime Jell-O and Cottage Cheese Salad, or her Sour Cream Nut Cake.
...And what is the purpose of all this disease, lack of protection and border security???
I assume it has the same purpose as Turkey Neck Soup after the holidays: it lets you use up all your leftover question marks before they spoil.
 It appears to be potentially the "full meal deal" for Obama and his goals.
No wonder our intelligence services are overwhelmed. Not only is the Man From U.N.C.L.E fighting T.H.R.U.S.H., but now he's got to deal with HARDEES.
 1) Establish over the next few years mindless, dependent, and un-American foreign voters and supporters for Obama and his goals. 2) Punish America for her achievements by riddling her with diseases and maiming her children. 3) Create a guise to declare Martial Law due to created outbreaks. Control speech, food, travel, and health care. 4) Demand adults and children take some sort of mandated/mystery vaccination that kills off even more people.
Yes...yes, you're right! If there's an outbreak of smallpox or mumps or something, you should definitely refuse the vaccination, Dr. Roth. In fact, don't take any medications, you can't trust 'em. And don't drink the water either, because it's contaminated with mind control chemicals; you should only hydrate yourself with your own recycled pee, just like Kevin Costner in Waterworld (which, if he were a film critic instead of whatever it is he is, I'm sure Alex Jones would have called Fluorideworld).
My prediction is that a forced vaccination plan from Obama and his administration is on its way. This will not only allow someone put in control (so Obama can't be blamed) to release something potentially fatal into our system, but also act as a tracker – the complete end of our privacy and freedom.
Ever since her quixotic run for the presidency in 2012, Dr. Roth has been predicting that the government will tag us all with RFID chips so that we can be easily located by Federal agents, or by our owners if we wind up in the Pound.
We must stop all flights from disease-infested countries now. We must quarantine exposed people and deport all illegal aliens that have purposely been positioned everywhere to spread disease and hide in plain sight. It is treason that they and their diseases have been sent to America's schools and communities nationwide.
There's no treason like disease treason. This plot reminds me -- and I'm sure I'm not the only one -- of that low point in American history when Benedict Arnold gave George Washington the clap.
We must win back the HOUSE, take back the SENATE, then move boldly forward with impeaching and convicting Obama before more die and are turned into cattle in shoots awaiting slaughter.
In the meantime, chute first and ask questions later.


Smut Clyde said...

Hors D Oeuvres
This would be a good name for a rap artist. Especially if teamed up with Hors D Combat.

Ever since her quixotic run for the presidency in 2012
Shirley you mean her [dramatic chord] Logan's Run.

It is kind of reassuring to see someone trying so hard to fill the yawning empty spot left by Reverend Swank.

Smut Clyde said...

an e-commerce site that drums up panic about the coming collapse of Western Civilization, then soothes the reader's angst by selling them combat slingshots and pocket water filters

I am willing to bet real quatloons that they also sell colloidal silver.

Carl said...

The kicker for me is that the EVD-68 has been known about for 42 years. Every fall, it hits school age kids, just as kids go back to school. While this year's outbreak has been a little worse than usual, it's far from epidemic.

But, you know, just try pointing that out to a conservative...

Weird Dave said...

...but also act as a tracker – the complete end of our privacy and freedom.

Because that cell phone (most of) you all carry around doesn't work well enough.

Jim Donahue said...

"Anyone want some bloody slush with your Christmas Hors D Oeuvres?"

No, thanks--but that sounds amazing for a Halloween-themed party.

(Thanks for the plug, Scott!)

PS: Did I hallucinate it, or did an earlier version of Roth's column contain a reference to "Marshal law"?

DrBDH said...

As Wo'C Chief Medical Officer, I must reassure all World o' Crappers that Wo'C is taking the Enterovirus D68 epidemic very, very seriously, despite Scott's light tone. Extra hankies and facemasks are being made available at all Walgreen and CVS Pharmacies for a very reasonable fee. Just identify yourself to the pharmacist or retail clerk as a World o' Crapper. (Offer not good south of the Mason-Dixon line. Some store markup and local taxes may apply. World o' Crap not responsible for nasal chafing or police detention.)

Gary said...

EBOLA, TB, and scabies

One of these things is not like the others

One of these things just doesn't belong...

Sheri said...

Very nicely done, Scott. All your time decoding Pastor Swank is paying off.
And well done, Dr. Roth - not everybody can make flu into presidential treason. But my favorite part was how Obama has achieved his goal to "Punish America for her achievements by riddling her with diseases and maiming her children." So few presidents take the time to punish the country for being so good by maiming kids.

Scott said...

I hate to blame the victim, but you have to admit that all this mayhem and mutilation is really our own fault. If we were a lousier country, Obama would have no cause to sentence our children to disease and maiming. If fact -- assuming I'm correctly reading Dr. Roth's airtight logic -- if we were a failed state like Somalia, our kids wouldn't get so much as a paper cut.

I guess the silver lining here is, we're on our way!

Li'l Innocent said...

Actually, I think Doc Roth has Pastor Swank beat in the pure crazy department, but she doesn't have his beautiful anarchic flow. You could tell Swanky was really enjoying himself when he was on a linguistic roll (usually a great big one with slathers of mayo which would allow a full-grown minister to revel like a pig in shart).

One reality note: how does Annie Oakley (and pace to the spirit of the real Annie, who'd probably not take kindly to a rabble-rousing nutball filching her good name, and who'd know what to do about it too)- how does Counsellor Roth expect the Flame Thrower-in-Chief to accomplish all this in 2 years, especially with such an uncooperative House of Representatives?

grouchomarxist said...

That's a real keeper you got there, Scott. If you're filling out the roster for a filbert factory.

She doesn't have quite that "I'm passing coded phrases to my alien co-conspirators" quality which distinguishes Swank's oeuvre from your typical right-wing bloviator. But when it comes to this latest exercise in Kenyan Muslim Socialist connect-a-dot, I have to give Dr. Roth points for sheer grandiosity. Sax Rohmer would have simply plotzed with envy.

Randall said...

This will not only allow someone put in control (so Obama can't be blamed) to release something potentially fatal into our system, but also act as a tracker – the complete end of our privacy and freedom.

But . . . but . . . if they've released something fatal into your system, why would they need a tracker? I mean, you'd be dead! They would know where you were, right? You'd be in the chute leading to the furnace, or in an unmarked grave in the Mojave, or something appropriate. It isn't like you'd be getting up and walking around . . . oh, that tricky Obama! He's setting up for the zombie apocalypse!