Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Dr. Mike: The Bitch is Back in Town

In keeping with tradition I went to the mall today to return the two polyester dress shirts from my aunt, and the Deluxe Barbeque Tool Set (which I was actually kind of sorry to return, as it contained "a basting brush, a grill brush, a spatula, fork, heat-resistant tongs, and 8 corn holders," but  sadly, that's 2 fewer corn holders than I need.  We're serious about our corn-holding here, and I don't want any of my guests to be stuck wrestling bare-handed with a greasy cob), and I exchanged them all for a new column from Professor Dr. Mike Adams.

This week Dr. Mike writes fanfic to PETA, in which he imagines -- lovingly, and in great detail -- kicking a dog.

Liberal Hypocrisy is a Female Dog

What fresh hypocrisy is this?  Actually, it's the same old story: Dr. Professor Mike is ticked off that PETA devotes its resources and energies toward a ban on animal testing, rather than breaking into fertility clinics and freeing frozen embryos.  You may remember when he planned to celebrate his 45th birthday by trepanning kittens on the steps of the Women's Resource Center, thereby demonstrating that feminism is gross, or vivisection is cool, or -- I'm not actually sure what his point was, but I'm pretty sure he should have just gone to Chuck E. Cheese.

This week he's laid another of his elaborate traps, in which he plans to ensnare PETA in a web of email.  Let's watch:
Dear PETA: I have a neighbor who is being extremely rough with his Golden Retriever. He kicks the dog with the side of his foot whenever she is in his way. The dog weighs about 80 pounds and is not likely to be seriously harmed by the kicking. However, the dog is pregnant. Is this animal abuse? Would you recommend reporting this to the police?
Mike Adams
I think we can all see where this is going.  Dr. Mike has painstakingly dug a Malay tiger trap and baited it with puppy fetuses.  Now all he needs is for the luckless PETA volunteer in charge of answering crank emails to wander across its fragile covering of twigs and leaves...
Mike, thank you so much for reporting this to us! Is there any change [sic] at all of sneaking some footage of this? How hard does he kick her? Also, could you give me the name and address of the owner, and can you tell me what her living conditions are like- does she live inside, outside, chained, is she fed properly, etc? Please be assured that we take your anonymity very seriously.
Thank you and I look forward to hearing back from you!
Rachel, PETA
Crap!  She's focusing on the made-up guy kicking the imaginary dog, not the potential impact on the imaginary unborn dogs.  C'mon, lady, step in the trap already!
Dear Rachel: Thanks for getting back to me. I am not prepared (morally or technologically) to surreptitiously film my neighbor. He is not kicking the animal very hard. It would not be an issue but for the pregnancy of the animal. 
Get it, Rachel?
She lives outside, is unchained, and appears to be fed properly. As an armed citizen, I am wholly unconcerned with the issue of anonymity.
Wow, I can hear Rachel hitting the Delete button from here.
I am more concerned with wasting my time with the authorities as I just don’t know whether there is a crime to report. The litter appears to be at risk, not the mother. I wonder whether the owner is even liable if any of those unborn puppies is either stillborn or deformed. I honestly don’t know the answer. Any help you can provide is appreciated.
You see, Rachel, if you care about animal cruelty, then you are morally obligated to consider abortion the equivalent of abusing a dog.  So if you're okay with beating a dog hard enough to cause a spontaneous abortion, but not hard enough to hurt it (which would require a very precise and surgical application of abuse -- I would recommend practicing first on a stuffed animal), then you clearly see no problem with kicking a pregnant woman until she miscarries.

Of course, kicking anybody, pregnant or not, is already a crime, as is animal cruelty.  And a woman can consent to both pregnancy and abortion, while a dog cannot.  In fact, it's legal to artificially inseminate a bitch, or a cow, or any domestic animal for breeding purposes, whether they're in the mood or not, which may be the root of Dr. Mike's drive to force women and dogs to share legal rights, since he hasn't had much luck fathering a child the normal way.

Anyhow, Rachel didn't fall for Mike's Judas zygote, so he's forced to shift from dialogue into his usual supervillain monologue.
Dear Rachel: Moments after I wrote you, I received an email from PETA containing the following passage, which is relevant to my inquiry: “We speak up for, among others, rabbits and foxes who are skinned alive for the fur trade, chickens and cows who suffer hellish conditions on factory farms just to end up on someone's dinner plate, and the dogs who should be treated as part of the family (emphasis mine) but are relegated to a lonely life on the end of a chain. PETA is the voice for animals who have none (emphasis also mine).”

It appears that PETA does not draw a moral distinction between dogs and humans.
Because PETA also insists that Grandma not be chained in the yard, skinned alive for her leathery hide, or eaten by the rest of the family.
Therefore, in answering the question of whether the dog’s unborn puppies are protected, we must look to the alternatives available to us if the neighbor had been striking his pregnant wife. 
So if Dr. Mike, armed citizen, saw his neighbor beating a pregnant woman, he would immediately run to the computer and email a group of animal rights lobbyists for advice.
There are three distinct possibilities:
1. Dr. Mike is an asshole

2.  Dr. Mike is an asshole and a rectum, combined together for one low price like a Hardee's Meal Deal.

3.  Dr. Mike is actually an entire prolapsed sigmoid colon, which is writhing and dancing sinuously while a Sri Lankan fakir charms it with a flute.
    Or, there's always Dr. Mike's guesses:
    1. The unborn has no legal protection whatsoever.
    Obviously not true, as any Professor of Criminology would know, so we can scratch that one...
    2.  The unborn has legal protection contingent upon its mother’s intention to carry it to term.
    Well, a pregnant woman has legal protections, which supersede a fetus.  Even Rick Santorum agrees with that (for his wife, anyway.  The rest of you bitches can curl up and die.)
    3.  The unborn has legal protection regardless of its mother’s intention to carry it to term.
    It's called "damnapping," in which the kid holds it's mother's body hostage.  Although it's only a crime in 15 states, damnapping becomes a federal offense if the fetus forces the pregnant woman to cross state lines.
    Obviously, the third possibility is precluded by the ruling in Roe v. Wade. According to that ruling, the unborn baby human is not given absolute protection. According to PETA’s stated position of dog/human equality, the unborn puppy must also lack absolute protection.
    This becomes crucial when we remember that Marbury v. Madison established the system of "checks and balances" we know so well today, dividing the powers of government between the executive, the judiciary, the legislative branch, and PETA.
     PETA cannot say that the puppy does have absolute protection without elevating animal rights above human rights.
    And I'm sure PETA members wriggle in this logical cleft stick all day long, when they're not liberating white rats or posing naked for anti-fur campaigns.  Anyway, Mike goes on and on, chasing the tail of his hypothetical argument until he decides that "PETA must somehow over-turn Roe v. Wade," while John Roberts, Sam Alito, and Clarence Thomas loiter outside Lincoln Center, waiting to throw red paint on dowagers emerging from the opera.
    I know many women who have had an abortion and regretted the decision later. 
    And if you believe that, Dr. Mike would like to introduce you to his neighbor, the pregnant dog-kicker.
    Some have partially assuaged that guilt by going on to have children.
    So if your mom had an abortion at any point in her life before you were born, no matter how much she may say you were wanted and planned for, and no matter how much she may say she loves you, you're a Guilt Baby, and it's your job in life to make eternal amends to your saintly aborted sibling.
    I hope that PETA will not locate women who have had abortions and hand their children coloring books with pictures of aborted babies. 
    Unless Elizabeth Arden starts shaving fetus butts and painting them with rouge.
     The words “Your mommy is a murderer” would be especially harmful to children who have lost a sibling to abortion.
    I don't know -- it would have made my mom sound a lot cooler, actually.  But I think Dr. Mike's belief that kids whose mothers had abortions are traumatized, and suffer survivor's guilt, betrays a certain naivete about child psychology.  First of all, how would they know?  My mom was careful to speak in Pig Latin around me when she was discussing Peyton Place with the neighbor lady, I kinda doubt she'd bring up her abortion while passing the Brussels sprouts.  Second, kids are solipsists, and knowing that your mother carried you to term, but aborted a potential competitor means you win the Sibling Rivalry by default.  Third, young children aren't the most empathetic types, and are most likely to react to an aborted fetus by saying, "Better you than me."
     We must remember that children are just as valuable as dogs.
    Yeah?  Try getting a team of babies to pull your sled in the Iditarod.   Try training a 6-month old to go poop in the yard.  Try deterring thieves by putting a "Beware of Baby" sign on your junkyard fence.
    It should be our guiding principle as we work together. The evolution of a grate organization depends on it.
    And yet, no matter how hard they try, they'll never be as grating as you, Dr. Mike.


    ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

    Rachel didn't fall for Mike's Judas zygote

    This is how I like to start my day.


    heydave said...

    Did he really say "grate"?
    Is he really still alive?

    Too bad on both counts; another unfair New Year looms...

    Anonymous said...

    And by speaking up for farm animals that end up on dinner plates but neglecting to say anything about humans who end up in pig troughs or chicken feed buckets, PETA is implicitly urging the consumption of human fetuses by farm animals

    Dr.BDH said...

    I'm sick of these illogical "debates" about abortion and animal rights. How about we arrange a cage match between PETA and Focus on the Family? Or just have Peter Singer hit himself repeatedly.

    zombie rotten mcdonald said...

    this chumwad teaches CRIMINOLOGY?!?!?

    Were does he get his logic training, CSI:Toonville?

    That's the crappiest argument I have ever heard out of a mammal's mouth.

    Any criminals can only HOPE that the prosecution brings him in to handle the case.

    Kathy said...

    Its hard to believe that someone as vicious, malevolent and stupid as "Dr. Mike" could possibly ever give a shit about babies, born or un, let alone puppies.

    Spearhafoc said...

    I'll bet Dr. Mike kicks puppies for fun.

    Chris Vosburg said...

    Scott writes: Wow, I can hear Rachel hitting the Delete button from here.

    Yep, you just gotta love that Dr Mike: Despite the fact that he's just been cockblocked by a low level volunteer PETA email fielder-- a girl, yet-- who effortlessly sidesteps his lame attempt to draw her into a argumentative trap, HE JUST KEEPS TALKING.

    God, what a maroon.

    Robert said...

    "I hope that PETA will not locate women who have had abortions and hand their children coloring books with pictures of aborted babies.

    The words “Your mommy is a murderer” would be especially harmful to children who have lost a sibling to abortion."

    Why would he bring that up when most anti-choice groups would happy to do just that?

    Cole said...

    "I'll bet Dr. Mike kicks puppies for fun."

    I bet Dr. Mike got his "idear" because he actually was kicking his (or somebody's) dog and got called out on it.

    "Aw, she's big...this here don't hurt her much."

    "You are an awful person, kicking that poor dog. And she looks pregnant, too. You should be ashamed of yourself."

    "You go to hell. I kick her all the time, and it don't seem to bother her none. And she ain't pregnant because people and dogs can't...HEY, what did you say? That gives me an idear!"

    Anonymous said...

    "Why would he bring that up when most anti-choice groups would happy to do just that?"

    Probably because Dr. Mike is the biggest prick in the entire country.

    I don't know what it is about this fuckhead, but he really really seems a humorless shit who needs a total humiliating ass-kicking in public, with every student, professional colleague and woman who's ever had the misfortune of being in the same room as him in attendance as witness.

    I can laugh at most of the wackadoos Scott and SZ mock--bizarre delusions and cartoonish personalities by the dozens--but for some reason I find Dr. Mike to be totally and irredeemably repulsive.

    Chris Vosburg said...

    Cole writes: I bet Dr. Mike got his "idear" because he actually was kicking his (or somebody's) dog and got called out on it.

    Good catch: Dr Mike's implication being that it's okay to kick a dog as long as it isn't pregnant.

    Inicdentally, did anyone else notice that Mike's Golden Retriever is a bit on the heavy side at eighty pounds?

    Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

    Scott, are you trying to make my head explode?

    You KNOW that I flat-out fucking LOATHE "Dr." Mike. And you also know that, given the opportunity, I would happily pound upon his pointy skull with my Mag-Lite until he is nothing but a greasy spot of matted hair plugs peeking out of the lawn.

    You ALSO know exactly how much I flat-out fuckingly DESPISE every single one of the has-beens-that-never-were P.R. whores who constitute the majority *OF* P.E.T.A.

    And so what do you do, with this very dangerous knowledge at hand?

    You try to fucking kill me when I'm about 36 hours late for bedtime.

    This makes me very sad, Scott. I think that SOMEBODY owes me a consolation prize of Terrence-McKenna-level-of-concentration of 5 dried grams of what Bill Hicks described as "...heaven... comes out of a bullshit! Heaven is IN a cow's ASS!" (Cackles joyously, wickedly, and a lot like a skeery clown-ly).

    And Vosburg, thank you for reminding me of the treasured phrase, "Whatta maroooon!" Classic.

    D. Sidhe said...

    Hasn't he done this stupid argument before? I seem to recall we all concluded then that he was an animal abuser (didn't he used to do canned hunts?) who thinks women are no more deserving of rights than a dog. Last time, iirc, he just wrote this out as a hypothetical discussion in which he TOTES PWNED a non-existent feminazi. It's good to see he's learned the power of branding. (Commercially. I mean, Dr Mike? You have to know he's always thought branding irons were a great way to spend a weekend.)

    I have a hard time finding him funny, myself, but Jesus, Scott, thanks for making the effort. How long were you in the shower after reading this?

    Scott said...

    How long were you in the shower after reading this?

    1:48:33 -- breaking Karen Silkwood's old record by 2 minutes, 15 seconds.

    Bill S said...

    "Anonymous" wasn't me, but somehow managed to sum up, nearly word for word, my opinion of Mike Adams.

    lacp said...

    Just out of curiosity, was the juxtaposition of "wrestling bare-handed with a greasy cob" and "Professor Dr. Mike Adams"intentional? 'Cause it comes out sounding like you're talking about his sex life.

    Li'l Innocent said...

    I'm glad others besides me get extra-vile vibes from Dr. Mike. There's something quite Nazi-like about him. You can easily imagine him sitting in a obsessively neat office with pistols arranged in starburst mandalas on the walls, wearing a starched tan shirt and dark tie with a natty little armband round his bicep - - and writing, writing busily, delineating complex, intellectual-sounding, multi-level, back-circing arguments for Experimenting on the Unfit, backed up by quotes from Nalthus,the Apostle Paul, Edmund Burke, and George Bush the Younger.

    Li'l Innocent said...

    Sorry bout them typos. New keyboard, old glasses... that would be Malthus, back-circling and AN obsessively...
    Bet y'all knew w/o being told.

    Cole said...

    the anonymous was me not paying attention to details, Bill S.

    P'raps "wackadoos" was the word that nearly, but not quite, made it for you. That's one of the milder curse words my wife will use--it's "pickles and popcorn" if she's really hot about something.

    I've picked up a few to replace my more sailorly vocabulary as an endearing affectation.


    Keith said...

    Dr. Mike can make cream out of chicken-shit. And devours it for breakfast each morning.

    Anonymous said...

    Its hard to believe that someone as vicious, malevolent and stupid as "Dr. Mike" could possibly ever give a shit about babies, born or un, let alone puppies.

    He only cares about babies for their ability to serve as a rhetorical weapon to force women to lead lives he approves of. Otherwise, no.

    Glennis said...

    I admit I'm baffled - why is he picking on PETA for abortions? Is he next going to contact the Sierra Club to pick on them for the high price of athletic shoes? Or the Texas Wildflower Society for drunk driving on our highways?

    What does he want Rachel to do, leap up and start picketing abortion clinics due to his indisputably convincing argument? Or convene an emergency meeting of PETA's board and demand they issue a proclamation against Roe V Wade?

    Does he just enjoy being passive-agressive nasty to random volunteers? I already know the answer to that. What a freaking creep.

    Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

    Cole & Bill already did this, but I just couldn't help myself from throwing in my two wheat-penny cents, Robert, hon: if you couldn't read that telegraphed-to-all-twelve-of-his-actual-readers message in the whole "abortion coloring book" bullshit, then ya might wanna getcher eyes checked.

    He fuckin' plants what he believes to be an INGENIOUS idea (disgusting, revolting, and utterly inhuman and immoral, obviously) into the soft, doughy brains of his dozen slobbering, slavering followers, than claims to have washed his hands of all blame a'la Pontius Pilate via his "First Amendment" right to incite violent misogyny/genocidal riots against gynecologists & their patients, feeling ever so smug and smirkified as women are physically assaulted and their kids' brains are permanently warped.

    THAT, dear heart, is what "Dr." Mike is hoping to incite. Hopefully, there will be SOME justice in the universe, and this particularly sick/sociopathic/misogynist "idea" of his will go the way of most of his "great thoughts" --- straight into the septic tank.

    (it's prolly just me, but having a super-secret decoder-ring word like "EMENAS" just strikes me as the perfect malapropism ever committed...)