This week Dr. Mike writes fanfic to PETA, in which he imagines -- lovingly, and in great detail -- kicking a dog.
Liberal Hypocrisy is a Female Dog
trepanning kittens on the steps of the Women's Resource Center, thereby demonstrating that feminism is gross, or vivisection is cool, or -- I'm not actually sure what his point was, but I'm pretty sure he should have just gone to Chuck E. Cheese.
This week he's laid another of his elaborate traps, in which he plans to ensnare PETA in a web of email. Let's watch:
Dear PETA: I have a neighbor who is being extremely rough with his Golden Retriever. He kicks the dog with the side of his foot whenever she is in his way. The dog weighs about 80 pounds and is not likely to be seriously harmed by the kicking. However, the dog is pregnant. Is this animal abuse? Would you recommend reporting this to the police?I think we can all see where this is going. Dr. Mike has painstakingly dug a Malay tiger trap and baited it with puppy fetuses. Now all he needs is for the luckless PETA volunteer in charge of answering crank emails to wander across its fragile covering of twigs and leaves...
Mike, thank you so much for reporting this to us! Is there any change [sic] at all of sneaking some footage of this? How hard does he kick her? Also, could you give me the name and address of the owner, and can you tell me what her living conditions are like- does she live inside, outside, chained, is she fed properly, etc? Please be assured that we take your anonymity very seriously.Crap! She's focusing on the made-up guy kicking the imaginary dog, not the potential impact on the imaginary unborn dogs. C'mon, lady, step in the trap already!
Thank you and I look forward to hearing back from you!
Dear Rachel: Thanks for getting back to me. I am not prepared (morally or technologically) to surreptitiously film my neighbor. He is not kicking the animal very hard. It would not be an issue but for the pregnancy of the animal.Get it, Rachel?
She lives outside, is unchained, and appears to be fed properly. As an armed citizen, I am wholly unconcerned with the issue of anonymity.Wow, I can hear Rachel hitting the Delete button from here.
I am more concerned with wasting my time with the authorities as I just don’t know whether there is a crime to report. The litter appears to be at risk, not the mother. I wonder whether the owner is even liable if any of those unborn puppies is either stillborn or deformed. I honestly don’t know the answer. Any help you can provide is appreciated.
MikeYou see, Rachel, if you care about animal cruelty, then you are morally obligated to consider abortion the equivalent of abusing a dog. So if you're okay with beating a dog hard enough to cause a spontaneous abortion, but not hard enough to hurt it (which would require a very precise and surgical application of abuse -- I would recommend practicing first on a stuffed animal), then you clearly see no problem with kicking a pregnant woman until she miscarries.
Of course, kicking anybody, pregnant or not, is already a crime, as is animal cruelty. And a woman can consent to both pregnancy and abortion, while a dog cannot. In fact, it's legal to artificially inseminate a bitch, or a cow, or any domestic animal for breeding purposes, whether they're in the mood or not, which may be the root of Dr. Mike's drive to force women and dogs to share legal rights, since he hasn't had much luck fathering a child the normal way.
Anyhow, Rachel didn't fall for Mike's Judas zygote, so he's forced to shift from dialogue into his usual supervillain monologue.
Dear Rachel: Moments after I wrote you, I received an email from PETA containing the following passage, which is relevant to my inquiry: “We speak up for, among others, rabbits and foxes who are skinned alive for the fur trade, chickens and cows who suffer hellish conditions on factory farms just to end up on someone's dinner plate, and the dogs who should be treated as part of the family (emphasis mine) but are relegated to a lonely life on the end of a chain. PETA is the voice for animals who have none (emphasis also mine).”Because PETA also insists that Grandma not be chained in the yard, skinned alive for her leathery hide, or eaten by the rest of the family.
It appears that PETA does not draw a moral distinction between dogs and humans.
Therefore, in answering the question of whether the dog’s unborn puppies are protected, we must look to the alternatives available to us if the neighbor had been striking his pregnant wife.So if Dr. Mike, armed citizen, saw his neighbor beating a pregnant woman, he would immediately run to the computer and email a group of animal rights lobbyists for advice.
There are three distinct possibilities:1. Dr. Mike is an asshole
2. Dr. Mike is an asshole and a rectum, combined together for one low price like a Hardee's Meal Deal.
3. Dr. Mike is actually an entire prolapsed sigmoid colon, which is writhing and dancing sinuously while a Sri Lankan fakir charms it with a flute.
- The unborn has no legal protection whatsoever.
2. The unborn has legal protection contingent upon its mother’s intention to carry it to term.Well, a pregnant woman has legal protections, which supersede a fetus. Even Rick Santorum agrees with that (for his wife, anyway. The rest of you bitches can curl up and die.)
3. The unborn has legal protection regardless of its mother’s intention to carry it to term.It's called "damnapping," in which the kid holds it's mother's body hostage. Although it's only a crime in 15 states, damnapping becomes a federal offense if the fetus forces the pregnant woman to cross state lines.
Obviously, the third possibility is precluded by the ruling in Roe v. Wade. According to that ruling, the unborn baby human is not given absolute protection. According to PETA’s stated position of dog/human equality, the unborn puppy must also lack absolute protection.This becomes crucial when we remember that Marbury v. Madison established the system of "checks and balances" we know so well today, dividing the powers of government between the executive, the judiciary, the legislative branch, and PETA.
PETA cannot say that the puppy does have absolute protection without elevating animal rights above human rights.And I'm sure PETA members wriggle in this logical cleft stick all day long, when they're not liberating white rats or posing naked for anti-fur campaigns. Anyway, Mike goes on and on, chasing the tail of his hypothetical argument until he decides that "PETA must somehow over-turn Roe v. Wade," while John Roberts, Sam Alito, and Clarence Thomas loiter outside Lincoln Center, waiting to throw red paint on dowagers emerging from the opera.
I know many women who have had an abortion and regretted the decision later.And if you believe that, Dr. Mike would like to introduce you to his neighbor, the pregnant dog-kicker.
Some have partially assuaged that guilt by going on to have children.So if your mom had an abortion at any point in her life before you were born, no matter how much she may say you were wanted and planned for, and no matter how much she may say she loves you, you're a Guilt Baby, and it's your job in life to make eternal amends to your saintly aborted sibling.
I hope that PETA will not locate women who have had abortions and hand their children coloring books with pictures of aborted babies.Unless Elizabeth Arden starts shaving fetus butts and painting them with rouge.
The words “Your mommy is a murderer” would be especially harmful to children who have lost a sibling to abortion.I don't know -- it would have made my mom sound a lot cooler, actually. But I think Dr. Mike's belief that kids whose mothers had abortions are traumatized, and suffer survivor's guilt, betrays a certain naivete about child psychology. First of all, how would they know? My mom was careful to speak in Pig Latin around me when she was discussing Peyton Place with the neighbor lady, I kinda doubt she'd bring up her abortion while passing the Brussels sprouts. Second, kids are solipsists, and knowing that your mother carried you to term, but aborted a potential competitor means you win the Sibling Rivalry by default. Third, young children aren't the most empathetic types, and are most likely to react to an aborted fetus by saying, "Better you than me."
We must remember that children are just as valuable as dogs.Yeah? Try getting a team of babies to pull your sled in the Iditarod. Try training a 6-month old to go poop in the yard. Try deterring thieves by putting a "Beware of Baby" sign on your junkyard fence.
It should be our guiding principle as we work together. The evolution of a grate organization depends on it.And yet, no matter how hard they try, they'll never be as grating as you, Dr. Mike.