Saturday, July 21, 2012

Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall, Who's the Craziest Wingnut of All?

By Bill S.
For reasons unknown to me, there has been revived interest in the children's story "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs", with the TV series Once Upon A Time and the feature films Mirror, Mirror and Snow White and the Huntsman each offering a new retelling of the story. (About the only thing I could find in common with them is that, owing to casting, the Wicked Queen comes off as the most entertaining character. After all, in what ass-backwards, parallel world would Charlize Theron ever fear competition from Kristen Stewart? It's like an eagle feeling insecure around a mosquito. A brain-damaged mosquito.)

But by far the most unique twist on the tale comes from Pat Boone, in a World Net Daily column titled "A Modern American Fairy Tale."

Pat wrote it back in 2007. You could say he was ahead of his time, but remember this is Pat Boone we're talking about, and the phrase "ahead of his time" is about as likely to be used in connection to him as the phrase "natural-looking hair."  Or "voice of reason."
Once upon a time, in a land called America, a little girl was born.
This little girl was so very beautiful, so exceptional, that her loving parents called her Snow White.
Well, that's kind of an embarrassing name, though not as demeaning as "Cherry Boone".
Truly, her lustrous black hair and limpid dark eyes were the perfect compliment to her exquisite ivory skin. And as lovely as she was on the outside, she was even more beautiful within: her sweet, sunny personality absolutely melted everyone who saw her.
It bears repeating that Pat Boone has 4 daughters.  I'm betting their combined therapy bills are really high.
In her early childhood, her parents saw that she was taught all the important things -- loving obedience, respect for others, politeness and ladylike behavior, and a childlike faith in God. These things she actually liked, and though she was quite playful and sunny, she exuded character and intelligence.
Astro-NOMICALLY high. If I ever met a child who "liked" being docile and perfect, I'd be creeped out of my mind.
Then she met the Seven Dwarfs.

They’d been tagged with this name because they seemed so weird and insignificant; but they always clustered together, bound by strange, liberal and sometimes seditious beliefs. Some of them were teachers and others members of what was called a “civil liberties union.” Somehow, they steadily gained and exerted mysterious influence.
Pat finds it weird and mysterious that there are people in this country who hold beliefs that are different from his.
Their names were Sneaky, Dopey, Smarmy, Angry, Sleazy, Grouchy and Dork.
Are you sure those are Dwarfs? They sound more like an army of Bill O'Reilly clones.
So, as it happened, just as Snow White entered school, full of innocence and a desire to learn, the Dwarfs managed to change all the rules. They cast a spell over the real and dedicated teachers, tricking them into imbibing a seductive potion they called New Education Alternatives; it sounded so attractive that it became very popular, coming to be known by the shorter “NEA.”
I'm guessing he's working on some analogy. I wonder what he's referring to? At first, I thought it was the National Education Association, but since that's been around for over 150 years, or only a decade less than Pat Boone, it's hardly new. The National Endowment for the Arts, perhaps? The National Editorial Association? The National Empowerment Agency of Singapore? The New England Aquarium? Because really, it could be any of them, because they all have exactly as much to do with this column as the National Education Association.
Enticed by tempting promises of shorter hours, more money, lifelong tenure unrelated to performance in the classroom...
Oh, Pat, do you really wanna talk about succeeding on merit? You were married (at 19) to the daughter of a successful musician. Your father-in-law got you your first recording contract, and you owe what commercial success you enjoyed to a segment of music fans so racist they found Elvis Presley too ethnic.
...and even political clout as a huge voting bloc, the teachers allowed the NEA to drop very important things from history books... 
This really is a fantasy, if rewriting history is a liberal conspiracy. Because, in the real world, not so much. forbid absolutely any mention of God in the classroom or in essays, to promote all types of sexuality equally, even to grade-schoolers, to dictate that only evolution could be taught to explain the existence of the living world... 
In addition to teaching scientific theory in biology class, we should teach unscientific theories as well. Why stop with just biology, though?  I propose we teach kids that thunder is caused by Angels bowling, and, as an alternative theory, that it's caused when Thor brings down his mighty hammer.  Because it's important to "teach the controversy."
...and in general erase any consideration of morality and American tradition.
Factual information is immoral and anti-American? Well, that explains the Daily Caller.
Of course, Snow White's parents objected strenuously. They attended PTA meetings and complained that their daughter was continuously being taught things that were diametrically opposed to what they'd taught her at home... 
Things like, "Blacks are human", and "women can work outside the home", and "homosexuals...exist".
...but their complaints were dismissed out of hand. And sadly, while they did their best to counteract the evil influence of the Dwarfs, little Snow White was drawn into the pervasive spell cast over the whole school system.
They tried to shield her from reality as much as they could, but little bits of it kept sneaking in, like pesky rays of sunshine and fresh air.
When she was barely into her teens, she began to experiment sexually, first with other kids and then with one of her grown teachers. Only later was it revealed that the teacher, a woman, was actually a wicked witch! Poor Snow White had been drawn into drugs as well as sex, and she soon discovered she was pregnant.
How did she become pregnant if she was in a lesbian relationship? Are you paying any attention to the story you're writing, Pat?
The Dwarfs were only too happy to arrange an abortion -- without notifying her parents.
Now I know this is a fantasy, because in the real world, where Bristol Palin can get a reality show simply for getting knocked up in high school, the first girl since Jesus' mom to get pregnant without  benefit of sperm would be a media goldmine, and rather than calling Planned Parenthood, the Dwarfs would immediately get on the phone to Lifetime.
Confused and disillusioned, Snow White moved in with the wicked witch, eventually claiming to be her "wife".
I have no idea what point Pat was trying to make with this Snow White/Wicked lesbian fantasy. About the only thing it proves is that he writes slashfic as well as he sings heavy metal.
In another part of town, in another spellbound school, a handsome young boy named Prince Charming was going through similar experiences. Snow White and Prince Charming would have made a perfect couple, as their parents would have dreamed – but under prolonged exposure to the same hypnotic spell, the boy was seduced by each of the Dwarfs and taught in the mandatory sex education class that he’d been born “gay.” When he learned he’d contracted AIDS, he overdosed on drugs that were easily obtained just outside the principal’s office, on the schoolyard.

Seriously, What. The. Fuck? Jack Chick, on an acid trip, couldn't have dreamed up something like that. Teaching gay teens that genetics might play a role in sexual orientation leads to unprotected sex with AIDS-stricken dwarfs in the same way teaching evolution leads to monkey-human marriages. And I have know no idea why he lays the blame for drug dealers on progressive educaters. The only drug I've heard liberals supporting the legalization of is pot, which no one could kill themselves with, unless you count the long term effects of arterial sclerotic cardiovascular disease caused by excessive exposure to Drake's Cakes and Cool Ranch Doritos.
His sorrowing parents arranged a memorial service, and everybody – including the Seven Dwarfs and the Wicked Witch – agreed he’d been just an “ideal kid,” without an enemy in the world. Except the Seven Dwarfs and the Wicked Witch.

It would be wonderful if it could be said “… and they all lived happily ever after” – but of course, that would be a lie.

Um, you're not reporting a news story, you're telling a fictional tale, and you're the one writing it, so you can end it any way you please.
Too many of them didn’t even go on living very long, some struck down with insidious contagious diseases, which some tried to blame on uncaring politicians and hard-hearted, Bible-toting right-wingers.
Well, they are the leading advocates of abstinance-only sex education, which has an alarmingly high failure rate and frequently includes false or misleading information. If you teach kids that condoms and other forms of birth control don't work, you won't discourage them from having sex, you'll just discourage them from using condoms or other forms of birth control.  They're also opposed to having kids vaccinated against HPV, and to making contraception available in any form. All of which leads me to believe that, far from wanting to prevent unplanned pregnancies and STDs, they want to preserve those things as a punishment for people who have orgasms they don't approve of. (Or, in the case of women, having any orgasm.)
The Dwarfs and so many of the children whose morals they’d corrupted traded honor and integrity and happiness for fatal neuroses and shorter life expectancy –
The "Gibberish to English" translation for the above might be tricky, but since Pat abandoned his "Liberals are destroying education" theme in favor of "the school system is being infiltrated with EEEEVIL homos who want to seduce our children in order to give them AIDS and abortions!", I think he's saying, "If you had any honor and integrity, you wouldn't be a homo," (which is, frankly, the worst Jeff Foxworthy impression ever, and unlikely to get Pat invited on the next Blue Collar Comedy Tour).

But I give Pat credit for realizing that you may already be a homo, and offering to lead by example, demonstrating honor and integrity by repeating the claim that gay people have a shorter life expectancy, which comes from a decades-old study that's been widely and thoroughly debunked.
– while the very tradition of marriage and family dissolved and the reputation of the land called America was forever damaged. In the wake of so-called “new education alternatives,” America steadily fell behind other nations in all areas of learning, and eventually it hardly mattered if she was absorbed into something called a North American Union. This sad attempt to merge all the strengths and weaknesses of Mexico, the U.S. and Canada – became Northern Venezuela.

What the....(re-reads above paragraph. Re-reads again, considers phoning 9-11 in case I just had a stroke). Did anyone see that ending coming? The rain of frogs at the end of Magnolia made more sense, and seems more likely to happen.
This may all be a fable, a fairy tale, or a nightmare.
Or the paranoid, unhinged scribblings of a fossilized, bigoted moron.
But if it's the latter, we'd all better wake up quick. Like many fairy tales and some dreams, there's too much reality for comfort.
I'll say.  Well, if you'll excuse me, I've got to have a serious talk with my lesbian friends about using dental dams so they don't accidentally impregnate each other.

-Bill S.


maryclev said... have no words for this amount of sheer idiocy. I do have one question of Mr. Boone: have you been in a public school classroom---EVER?!

heydave said...

That old fool is embarrassing compared to even store mannequins. A new level of complete fucking babbling.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

All that, and a dick in the box.

Jimbo said...

Wingnuttery combined with dementia provides results like this.

jim said...

Mercury is a hell of a drug.

Li'l Innocent said...

I remember young Pat's songs & ascending stardom from my just-pre-adolescence. There was something weird about him even then, or so I thought. Not good weird like MAD Magazine, no. In the context of the mid-50s, bound up with Consumerism, Conformity, and a weird cultural vulgarity all the era's own, even in that context, there was something strange about Pat. As if, while trying to sing "Long Tall Sally" and bragging about praying with his 4 little girls every night by their bedside, in his head he was really already composing this fable.

Carl said...

Needs moar Pierre Ragout.

MUCH moar...

Carl said...

Holy crap! I found moar Pierre Ragout!

Anonymous said...

Somebody really oughta tell Pat that the dwarfs were the GOOD guys. The stepmother was the villain. sheesh.

Green Eagle said...

What stuns me is that the people at World Net Daily went back five years to find this, and that's the best they could do. I've really felt that WND has been on the slide the last few months, but man, this is just pathetic.

Anonymous said...

How is it that Pat Boone is even still alive?


Tracy said...

Pat has bitter beer face.