Friday, October 11, 2013

Happy Birthday, Anntichrist S. Coulter!

Okay, okay, here she comes!  Quick -- everybody hide!

Shhh!  Shhh!



SURPRI--aw, crap, forget it.  She read the title...

Well, as you undoubtedly knew already too (damn you, RSS feeds!), today is the natal anniversary of our good friend Anntichrist S. Coulter, who, if this were Downton Abbey, would probably be known as the Dowager Countess of Crap.  In fact, Annti's been around here so long that her online nic actually inspired the old Wo'C custom of posting an Ann Coulter picture on birthdays -- but I wouldn't hold it against her.  In fact, I would suggest that we have emerged tempered from that particular crucible -- each of us forged by adversity into that rarest kind of person; one who is strong, yet flexible, and most important of all, truly capable of appreciating a really sexy birthday lizard.
Hellll-loooo, Ladies!

But since Annti is one of the Oldest Established Permanent Floating Crappers around, I figured we could observe at least one of our ancient traditions: checking on the horoscope.
You are witty, fun to be around, and charming. Your sense of humor is well-developed
Huh.  You know, I tend to think astrology is absolute bullshit, but that's not only spot-on, it's eerily so. 
and you are a sports lover. 
Hey, that's probably true, too!  I mean, in the past Annti has requested photos of Terry Crews for her birthday...
"This shit will punch your ass with fragrance!"

...and he was involved in some sort of sports, I think.  Maybe there is something to this horoscope business...
Generally considered rather "lucky"
Okay, astrology is absolute bullshit.
Famous people born today: Luke Perry, Eleanor Roosevelt, Sean Flanery, Joan Cusack, Darryl Hall.
I'd pay to eavesdrop on that key party.

Now, as you've probably noticed, we have a rather broad cross-section of straight, gay, lesbian, and bi readers of both sexes (and possibly more permutations of gender that just haven't happened to come up in comments yet), so one of the particularly nice things about an Anntichrist S. Coulter birthday is that the cheesecake is always diverse and inclusive, as required by our liberal Supreme Court, since she bats from both sides of the plate, depending on who's come up in the pitching rotation (I'm doing my best to service her celestial-certified love of sports). So let's conclude with a group hug, and an educational photo of Charlize Theron:
"Einstein proved that it's mathematically impossible to be too sexy for this shirt, and yet somehow I'm doing it.  I blame the Unified Field Theory and Ingeborg, my personal trainer."

Please join me in wishing our beloved Annti a very happy birthday.


Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Oh, Scott.


It is just so... beautiful. Yes, the pictures are purdy as hell, of COURSE the pictures are PURDY!! --- but the words... the words make me feel like I actually have a HEART.

You are such an amazing human being.

Thank you so much.

Actually, I gave up on sports (as an audience-member, never qualified for a single sport in my ENTIRE LIFE, believe you me, though I have an F.C.A.-convention flag-football story that you would NEVER believe... heh...) far longer-ago than the world's fakest "super bowl" wrought to "cure" this country's "Katrina fatigue," though that WAS the last nail in THAT particular coffin for ME.

BUT, and I say this without a single molecule of shame in my schlumpy old body --- I *am* quite the fan of the beautiful specimens who DO play sports or do individual track & field or swimming events, what-have-you... they ARE awfully pretty. Except for the hairless dolphins who defoliate themselves... and I'm not just talking about JOCKS there, either... {{{{{{shudder!!!}}}}}}

So, y'know, since astrology uses a calendar that's 2,000+ years OFF, they're allowed an oopsie or twelve here and there --- didn't they just ADD A NEW SIGN? Oy. (Apologies to the coolest physics/astronomy prof EVER, Dr. Seab @ U.N.O.!!!)

Even though I have horribly neglected you all for far, far too fucking long, for which you all, every last Crapper, have my utmost, most-heart-and-gut-felt apologies and regrets --- not one day goes by that I don't remember, several times a day, how VERY fucking FORTUNATE that I am to BE a Crapper, to belong to this self-assembled family of weirdos, queens, dykes, bisexual sluts {ding-ding-ding!}, freaks, poster children/P.S.A.s against key parties, hip motherfuckers, baaaaddd motherfuckers {including and especially MizCGEYE, who's been MIA since before the Colorado floods, and I am STILL worried about her ornery ass and hope that SOMEBODY knows where the hell that she is!!!}. artists, bird-building geniuses, musicians, singers, apeshit-crazy radio geeks, even-crazier film/TV geeks from hell, gubmint employees of EVERY permutation --- bless y'all's uber-fucked-over-hearts!!! --- we've got one of damned near EVERY kind of human being, and I am really damned fucking PROUD of that!!! --- almost as proud as I am to be included in this miraculously-diverse and eternally-ass-kickingly awesome cavalcade of peoples and their critter familiars.

After all, people who don't like critters just ain't RIGHT, right? Right!

Y'all have stood by me through EVERYTHING of the past, what? Ten, twelve, three hundred years? Y'all have KEPT ME ALIVE when the rest of the planet was voting IN THE OTHER FUCKING DIRECTION; (TRUNCATED!)

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...


Y'all have stood by me through EVERYTHING of the past, what? Ten, twelve, three hundred years? Y'all have KEPT ME ALIVE when the rest of the planet was voting IN THE OTHER FUCKING DIRECTION; y'all have reached into my deflated chest and manually-pumped the charcoal knot that I call a "heart" and filled me with warmth, love, and everything necessary for life, time and time and time again. Every time that I am at my lowest, when the entire redneckistan klan is out to delete me (remember that rednecks/bigots come in EVERY FUCKING COLOR, kiddies --- and I am not in the least exaggerating when I mention that I hadda call the N.O. Fire Department earlier this evening because SOME evil motherfucker had poured lighter fluid onto and SET FIRE TO the tarp in the back of my pickup truck! I'd smothered the flames/cinders out by the time that they got here, but it still WASN'T NO STRAY CIGARETTE BUTT that started it!), every time that the mouthbreathers who embody every stereotype that I've been fighting against all of my life --- EVERY fucking time that they JUST *HAVE* to reiterate HOW FUCKING ILLITERATE & IDIOTIC THAT THEY ARE, and I'm ready to GIVE THE FUCK *UP* --- ***y'all*** swoop in to save the day and to buck me up enough to hobble another footstep away from despair.

Y'all have given me some of THE most-amazing gifts, for birfdays and year-fucking-ROUND, that have ever been given to ANYONE, above & beyond O.Henry's "Gift Of The Magi" to the exponential power of infinity --- we all know that I sure as fuck don't deserve it, but the amazing human beings that I've met here have been better to me than anybody but my grandparents and late nephew. Just wish that I'd had the time to know Jada well enough to know how she'd have voted.

I know that I'm well-over the content-limit for a comment, so I will come back later to do individual thank-you notes to all of my nearest-and-dearest most-dearly-beloveds, starting with S.Z., Scott & Mary (as well as their feline, canine & other Overlords), of course... But for now, please know that each and every one of you, especially the remarkable man who wrote a post that made me cry in SUCH a good way --- I love and appreciate every last one of y'all down to my bone marrow. Y'all are the best birfday prezzies that anybody could EVER hope to receive.

Thank you. So so SO fucking much.

Love you fuckers SOOOO motherfucking MUCH!!!!!!
--Yer Ranty Aunty Annti

Marcellina said...

Is that image of Ms. Theron from some "photoshop fail" site? What is going on with her left arm?

Ivan G Shreve Jr said...

Annti also shares birthdays with Teutonic character actor Sig Ruman ("So they call me Concentration Camp Erhardt...?"), original Our Ganger Mickey Daniels, and "The Queen of the Serials" herself, Linda Stirling. (Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.)

Happy birthday, Annti!

Helmut Monotreme said...

Happy Birthday Annti! I read the site daily, but I don't comment much. Here's hoping this year is the best one yet!

Kathy said...

Whenever someone's birthday comes along, I feel too bashful to say "Happy Birthday!". Don't know why, but memories drift back, waaaay back, to when I was in 2nd grade and too bashful to hand out Valentine's Day cards. (I hid the bag of cards behind a door and ran home.)


And Happy BIrthday to all the other World O'Crappers!

D. Sidhe said...

Happy birthday Annti! Look, we've made it through another year. At some point that stops being exciting, doesn't it, and just becomes impressive. Probably that's just what happens when you're too old for fairy princess parties.

I did dig up some Disney Princess party tiaras for one of the World's Best Commenters and All-Around Humans, so pick your princess! I'm gonna be Tinkerbell.

Happy Birthday, Annti, good next year, and much love.

Li'l Innocent said...

There is no such thing as a birthday wish (generated by me anyway) that can come up to the spectacular verbality and humanity and imagination and zest for swearin' and livin' that IS our Annti. But, nonetheless:


Weird Dave said...

Happy, happy Annti.

oyster said...

Happy Birfday, Annti!

Doc Logan said...

Happy birthday, Annti!

Scott said...

Marcellina: I don't know what the deal is with her left arm, but I do remember my Gumby doll had a similar problem after I left him out on the hot driveway all day.

grouchomarxist said...

Talk about a come-hither look, from that turreted eye. Best SBL yet! (I shall always treasure the memory of being there at the birth of a Crapper -- and perhaps, someday, a Web -- tradition.)

Happy B-day, Annti!

Scott said...

turreted eye

I have got to find a way to work that phrase into a conversation. "Nice party, Bob. Say, iIsn't it weird how Betty's turreted eye follows you wherever you go..."

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Happy B-Day, Annti!

(Sure, I'm a dollar late and a day short, but still...)

Li'l Innocent said...

Nice use of "turreted eye", Scott. Best I've seen in a while, in fact.

As to Miz Theron's arm, it would look more normal if (a) it was a 3-D image and (2) we were wearing 3-D glasses and (3) the poor kid had any meat on her bones. Her elbow is receding away from us, and the weird lighting gives no shadow or other clue that we're looking into the inside of her bent arm. The bulge above her hand is the cluster of little wrist bones called the metacarpals (in a violently forward-flexed position) from which the five digital bones arise. Charlize has large, long hands, which exaggerates the effect

I repeat, it wouldn't look so weird if she didn't have extremities like an egret. Very slender people's bones are really to the fore.

Anonymous said...

Darling Annti,
Who else can I turn to for a well-crafted rant, peppered with dramatic holding and use of color? NO ONE! I also depend on you for those, well, "anonymous" projects about which we will never speak-- only the woodchipper knows for sure. The world would be far less colorful and far less beautiful without you, sweet friend; and may you be around for many more years. Let's make them exceptionally healthy and happy ones-- I put in my order early, so you will get them soon.
Mucho Love from,
~The Minx~

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anntichrist S. Coulter said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

(yup, 3rd attempt... the typos are strong with this one...)

Day late, hell, look at how long it took ME to get back here! And yes, there are legit reasons, not mere lame-assed excuses as is my usual... And having had some sociopathic illiterate set fire to my truck on Thursday isn't even the worst thing that's happened to me this week.

Thank you all for showing up, year in and year out, for loving me not in spite of my weirdnesses/dents/damage/etc., but BECAUSE of 'em, you demented, deranged, deviant freaks. And y'all know that I say that with love. Right?

Special thanks to all of the wunnerful folks who actually sent prezzies, esp. Redcane, BobW (not "BILL W," you twelve-stepping freaks!) the inimitable Mirele, and, of course, the awe-inspiring Scott, who hath wrought such cast-iron linguistic gut-busters as:

"Generally considered rather "lucky"

Okay, astrology is absolute bullshit.

Permanently tattooed into my skull.

I adore you all (yeah, even the evil pricks from that unpleasantness out back of the ChuckECheez!), and hope to get to the FaceBook folk who've been inundating my inbox with sweetness and light (where the hell is Bill S. when I need really-cheesy dirty jokes?!?!?!) soon, right after as I finish one more top-to-bottom sweep of my entire apartment & yard for the keys that I lost around 4:30 Sat. morning, and which may have been thrown into the garbage truck by the garbage-men who failed to hear me shrieking, "WAIT!! WAIT!!

They *were* nice enough to let me dig around in the already-been-compressed remnants in the still-empty back of the truck, but no luck. Sadly, they wouldn't open the squisher mechanism to let me see if the keyring was already part of the big wheeled brick-o-trash; so, far as I know, that's where the house & truck keys are, or were, until they hit the landfill...

Hey, I *have* always warned y'all that my birfdays are EXTRA-SPECIAL DOOMED /CURSED /A BASS-ACKWARDS RAZOR-BLADE RIDE THROUGH HYDROCHLORIC-ACID-LAND! And this year did not disappoint... unfortunately. I just hope that SOMEBODY got to go to the seafood festival in city park and get good & fat!

Carl said...


Happy natal anniversary, honey!

Woodrowfan said...

Happy (slightly belated) Birthday.

heydave said...

And a big howdy happy belated here, dontcha know...

Anonymous said...

AW NO ! I canNOT believe I missed Annti's Big Party.
I'm so sorry, sweetie. Did you save me some choccy cake, huh, huh?
Is your life progressing by its usual set of random disasters? Oh well, you made it through another year - Congratulations.And hope to "see" you around for many more.
Take care of yourself now (and the cats).
All the best.

Horace Boothroyd III said...

Don't forget the trannies - we hold up half the sky!