Sunday, October 27, 2013

Gone Phishin'

Well, not to go all Jimmy from I Accuse My Parents, but it's my birthday, so I'm taking the day off from the Internet!  (Largely because I woke up and discovered our Internet service is out).  Anyway our regular "Sundays With S.Z." feature will be postponed this week, because I can't comb through the archives on my phone without getting a migraine.

Y'know, it's embarrassing to admit, but thanks to those weekly trips in the Wayback Machine, I've gotten so nostalgic for some of the classic, language-mangling wingnuts like Pastor Swank, or Kaye Grogan, or Mary Grabar, that I've taken to actually opening and reading my email spam just to get a fix.

This time it's Mike Tolbert, of the United Nations Development Programme, writing to me from "Plot 617/618" in the "Diplomatic Zone" (as you may recall, the last improbably named Nigerian to offer me a multimillion dollar ATM card, Mr. Robin Hood, was located in the "Cad Astral Zone," so if you'd like a fortune in unearned cash, just go to a Zone -- they're giving it away).  Anyhow, judging by Mike's address, he's apparently dead and buried, but still concerned about my lottery winnings:
We are pleased to inform you your ATM Card total ($2Million United State Dollar) and some other items was brought to our office by the United Nation Organization via a Lottery Fiduciary Claim Agent, signifying that you are a rightful winner to their Lottery Award Promo selected randomly.
Which is all well and good, but it's the typical thing, and I was just about to close the mail app and move on with my life when I saw the following sentence:
Your e-mail address was among the 5 lucky email addresses which make your email address as one of the lucky email address and they have decided to send it to you by Diploma.
I don't know about you, but I think that deserves prime exhibit space in the Hall of Tautologies in the circular Ourouboros Wing of the Pastor Swank Museum of the Language English.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to Auto Zone to pick up a couple million for the weekend.
(Phew! Internet connection spotty and slow, but sorta kinda working again)


M. Bouffant said...

Whew. Glad my corner of the TWC iNternet wasn't affected.

My recent favorite, from a real person:
I am writing this mail to you with heavy sorrow in my heart, my name is Mrs. Gina Rinehart, a great citizen of Australia,born in Perth, Western Australia, in February 1954,I am a 58-year-old widow with a weight problem , a persecution complex and I am contacting you because I don?t have any other option than to tell you as I know I won't survive for long and I was touched to open up to you about my project is worth ($200,000,000.00) Two hundred Million Dollars which I intend to use for CHARITY.
Sounds good. I trust anyone who admits to a weight problem & a persecution complex.

M. Bouffant said...

Oh, & also, many many many Happy Returns on your Big Day.

And try as you might, you'll never catch up w/ me. So relax, enjoy.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Happy B-Day!

And no, you can quit.

ckc (not kc) said...

I saw a Lottery Fiduciary Claim Agent on the way to work the other day, but he skittered into the bushes before I could catch him - I guess I'd better contact the United Nation Organization.

Doc Logan said...

Happy birthday Scott!

May hou have many more, and may a host of SBLs show you the way to Autozone, and keep you a safe distance from Interzone.

heydave said...

The rightful winner?
Well, OK then.

Feliz Navidad!

Wierd Dave said...

Yeah, I noticed he didn't post an SBL for his birthday.


Carl said...

Happy birthday!

In the spirit of this email post, you have a birthday which was among the 365 possible birthdays of the year so you have a birthday!

Chris Vosburg said...

Never mind the Birthday, how'd the essay contest turn out?

Dr.BDH said...

Happy Birthday, Scott!

Your colonoscopy has been scheduled.

Li'l Innocent said...

Many happy returns, and I mean that with the kind of sincerity you just don't see very often these days! If cats gave a damn about birthdays, I know Riley and Moondoggie would say the same.

Anonymous said...

What can one say on such an auspicious occasion? Well
1. I'm sorry I'm late
2. Smudge and Zinzi say to tell R & M that they know JUST how they feel (I dunno either..
3.Happy Birthday, dear Scott, to my most favourite blog person (probly)in the blogosphere - and not just for the old 'n bad movies stuff.
4. I, for one, am truly glad you survived another year, for totally selfish reasons.
5. Mary, please give him a big birthday sloppy kiss from me.And I mean that.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

So sorry to be so late to the party, but I know that you know how much I adore you, Mary, and your awe-inspiring Feline Overlords...

Just hope that your Sunday was splendiferous, spent in good health, tit-deep in the social lubricant of your choice, and bringing-in more Hollywood-type work than Genocidal Jindal has brought to NEW New Orleans, from white-trash hooker-vampires to cutesy-wootsie rom-com vomitoriums. No, no, no, I would NEVER wish THAT kind of work on you, just the VOLUME/profitability.

I also wish you a whole new spine, Mary whatever innards she needs now and in the foreseeable future, Riley whatever SHE needs, and Moondoggie a lifetime supply of Mendicino Greeno, 'cause even though catnip does diddly-squat for hoomins, we KNOW that teh kittehs will raid yer stash-box faster than that parasitic-cheapo who shows-up at EVERY PARTY, looking for free bud!

In other words, I wish for immortality for all of y'all, from Sheri on down to Moonie (until you get bored with it or some Belgian freak with a claymore tries to convince you that he's "Scottish"), with newly-perfected corporeal carriages & the eternal preservation of your splendiferous minds. Not just for my own selfish reasons, but truly for the good of "humanity," fucktarded as it is, and undeserving of ALL of the Crapper family as the mongrel-rat-bastids of this planet are.

Hey, people suck, except for present company, and that's a damned-fine feat.

Happy happy joy joy happy happy joy joy happy happy joy joy happy happy joy joy happy happy joy joy happy happy joy joy happy happy joy joy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy joy joy JOYYYY!!!!!! Dah-dah-dah-dink-dink, dink-dink!

Love, joy, treasure, pleasure, and all good and grinning-like-a-shit-faced Capuchin monkey happiness for you and all of those whom you adore, Scott. Yeah, I'm unconscious, but hell, at least I finally SHOWED UP!


D. Sidhe said...

What would a birthday be without me showing up days late and offering hopes you got entertainingly drunk? Well, at least I'm on time for Halloween.

Remember, though, you're still entitled to guilt-free cake, or frosting flavored vodka, until people stop wishing you a happy birthday. Shame about the lizard, but I respect your integrity in not abusing your privelge and posting a shingleback skink (They mate for life!).

Also: Is it too early to request a Puckish Thanksgiving Field Mouse?

Stacia said...

Happy belated birthday! I got you a 49-hour weekend but I forgot to wrap it.