Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled that someone is finally marketing the Scriptures like Just For Men mustache dye, and I won't deny that the Bible is a remarkably flexible text (note, for instance, the ease with which every side in every war in the history of Christendom has claimed its support). But while it does contain some randy anecdotes, it wouldn't be my first choice when looking for porn. Nevertheless, Rule 34 applies here, and I'm sure there's a sizable minority of masturbators out there who can only get off if someone is reciting a long list of begats. I'm less confident that Scripture has much to teach us about friendship, however, since the lesson of the Gospels seems to be that even your best buds will sell you out to the cops, or suddenly pretend they don't know you.
Still, the two authors of this piece come with unimpeachable credentials. Col. Art Pace (Ret.) was a chaplain, and Dr. Robert Lewis runs "Men's Fraternity Classic," which I assumed was a golf tournament where rohypnol and GHB are served in the gin rickeys at the 19th Hole. But no, it's actually a video series teaching hapless moral hermaphrodites how to get their Authentic Manhood on.
As two men with extensive backgrounds in men’s ministry service, we were not surprised when American Bible Society’s 2014 State of the Bible survey found that men fall below the national averages of both Bible ownership and readership.But we're still well above the average in Bible thumpership.
In our day-to-day work interacting with men, it is common to hear of their frustration about reading the Bible—they don’t know where to start, what it means, or how to apply itInterestingly, many men voice the same frustrations about the clitoris, which is probably where the Bible porn comes in.
Men often find themselves struggling in their marriages, with friendships and with pornography.Sometimes all at once, which is usually a sign that you're not a strawman in a Foxnews.com article, but actually a character in a telenovela.
(A 2014 Barna Group survey found that nearly two-thirds of Christian men view porn monthly.)This proves that despite the often bitter partisan divide between liberal and conservative, secular and religious, we're really not so different, and if fundamentalists only tried a bit harder to live up to their principles I'd enjoy better load times on Pornhub.
Many feel helpless without mentors to turn to and do not realize the Bible has the answers they seek.This is the most depressing theological argument I've ever read, because if the Bible isn't a compendium of Holy Writ, but is actually a mentor, that means our entire lives are just one long internship, enlivened only by the occasional blowjob for which we'll either be condemned to Hell, or subpoenaed by Ken Starr.
They don’t know what their roles are supposed to be as men—I think I'm playing the butler with the furtive manner who you're supposed to think is the killer until the end of the second act, when I'm discovered floating in the cistern, a Malay kris in my back.
Even for Christian men, the Bible can be an extremely intimidating book to tackle. After all, it is the Word of God. It contains some pretty heavy stuff. And if you happen to pick up a translation and come across words like satyr, concupiscence and phylacteries, you can forget about reading more than two verses before you’re ready to go throw a football around or make a mess in the garage.So the Bible turns men into toddlers? That's a surprising, and heretofore unknown to me, effect of the King James translation, but I'm sure it's a claim backed up by rigorous experimentation. Nevertheless, I'd like to verify the ministers' findings with the kind assistance of my audience. Gentlemen? I'm going to say the words "bulrush," "firkin," and "cockatrice," and you tell me at what point you start smearing your poop on the baseboards.
So really, it’s no surprise that men—generally visual learners known for our short attention spans and occasional selective listening—are not particularly excited about reading and owning Bibles.Men sound like morons. It's a wonder people let us rule the world.
We routinely receive the following questions from men about the Bible:
1. The Bible was written so many years ago. Is it still really relevant today? Can it really help me with all that I’m struggling with?Unfortunately not, since you seem to be struggling with a violent reaction to polysyllabic words. Just wait until you get to "ambassage" or "euroclydon" -- your garage is gonna look like a tornado hit an outhouse.
2. Can’t you just give me the highlights? It takes so long for me to read it and my eyes begin to glaze over.I have the same problem with Atlas Shrugged.
3. When I do want to open my Bible, I don’t know where to go or what to do. Is there an app for that?Based on your questions so far, it sounds like you might enjoy iFart Mobile - #1 iPhone App - The Premier Fart Application
The problem is, when men go to the local chain or Christian bookstore, the product line-up consists of multiple Bibles for kids, teens and women. Are there some for men? Sure, maybe one or two, but nothing comparable to the selections for the other demographics.
It appears that retailers know their Bible-buying demographic well, and it isn’t men. But when men do decide to make that purchase, they need something clearly, visibly for them.Perhaps an action shot of Onan on the cover.