Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Sometimes I Doubt Your Commitment to Sparkle Motion

I've been reading Sarah Vowell's The Wordy Shipmates, about the Puritans who founded the Massachusetts Bay Colony, and I have to confess: it's making me feel a bit self-conscious about the shoddy quality of our modern religious fanatics.  I mean, take Roger Williams, a man who basically regarded himself as too saintly to be caught praying with his his own Hell-bound wife and their tainted seed, and who spent his life passionately playing Calvinistball, a soul-gambling game whose motto was "it isn't whether you win or lose, or even how you play the game, because God decided the outcome before you were born.  Chew on that in the locker room, Sporto."

But we'd be a lot better off if he was the kind of inflexible fundie extremist running the religious fringe these days, because he was the was the opposite of a theocrat.  As Vowell remarks, Roger Williams was not only a crazy radical cleric who was too pure even for the Puritans, but a First Amendment absolutist about a 150 years before the First Amendment.  Williams believed in keeping religion entirely aloof from the dirty business of government.  And perhaps due to his certainly that nearly every person he ever met was a doctrinal slacker destined to broast in eternal torment like a sentient breaded chicken, he regarded the heathen Native Americans as actual human beings with rights, dignity, and freedom of conscience.

Which brings us to Scott Lively.  I'm sure you're familiar with this carbuncle on the Body of Christ, but just in case, I'll let Wikipedia do the honors, because I'm really tired...
Scott Lively is a noted anti-gay activist and the president of Abiding Truth Ministries, a conservative Christian organization located in Temecula, California. Abiding Truth Ministries is classified as a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center. Lively has called for the criminalization of "the public advocacy of homosexuality" as far back as 2007. He is also directly linked to pending Anti-Gay Legislation in Uganda that would, if passed, make homosexuality punishable by a lengthy prison sentence or even death.

Along with Kevin E. Abrams, he co-authored the book The Pink Swastika, which states in the preface that "homosexuals [are] the true inventors of Nazism and the guiding force behind many Nazi atrocities."

Lively is the former state director for the California branch of the American Family Association and formed Watchmen on the Walls based in Riga, Latvia.
Uganda, Latvia...Mr. Lively either has a yen for preaching in exotic locations with low Trip Advisor scores, or he's dimly aware that most of his compatriots are on to him.  I was acquainted, of course, with his efforts to make homosexuality a capital offense in Kampala, but Watchmen on the Walls was new to me.  Again, according to Wikipedia:
[T]he group's name derives from the Old Testament book of Nehemiah, in which the "watchmen" guard the reconstruction of Jerusalem. "The cities they guard over today, say the contemporary Watchmen, are being destroyed by homosexuality."
I'm sure we all remember that old spiritual, "Joshua Fit the Battle of Jericho," in which the eponymous hero uses gentrification to bring the walls tumbling down, in order to create an airy, loft-like floor plan.  Or, as the song puts it, "He razed the walls/While raising the property values."
"In Latvia, the Watchmen are popular among Christian fundamentalists and ethnic Russians, and are known for presiding over anti-gay rallies where gays and lesbians are pelted with bags of excrement."
This part is a little hard to believe, if only because it requires some gays and lesbians to be present, and I figure after the first couple of excrement-peltings, they probably would have begun declining invitations to the rallies, even if it was a Wednesday night and there was nothing good on TV.

Anyway, Mr. Lively is so depressed about Americans' lackluster approach to beheading the homos, that he's sitting slumped on the couch in his sweatpants, eating one of those take-out word salads from the supermarket straight out of the plastic container.

'Gay' culture war:  It's nearly lost

Many Christians are only now awakening to the seriousness of the threat to our society posed by the homosexual movement. But, unfortunately for us all, it is only the sounding of the victory trumpets by "gay" activists that has stirred Christians from their slumber.
The gay victory trumpets caused the collapse of our Society's walls, probably because we didn't hire enough Latvians to watch them.  And as anyone who's ever lived within earshot of an urban renewal project will tell you, that kind of thing is noisy, whether the contractor is using a wrecking ball, demolition charges, or a ram's horn.
The watchman's walls have been broken and breached, the village is in flames, and triumphal "gay" culture warriors are leading a long string of young prisoners by their necks into the woods. Most disturbingly, many of the captives, including some of the children of these still sleepy-eyed Christian parents, seem happy to go. 
Well, Mr. Lively, if America's children would actually prefer to be dragged into the woods on a leash than remain in your immediate vicinity, perhaps '"gay" culture warriors" aren't our biggest problem.  And while we're on the subject...why the woods?  Do the gay warriors maintain a secret Never Land in the wilderness where they all live like Lost Boys, battling pirates, consorting with mermaids, and rescuing Indian maidens?  Because frankly that sounds a lot cooler than your program of stomping around the Ugandan National Assembly like the Queen of Hearts, shrieking "Off with their heads!"
I have long warned that the homosexuals agenda is not about tolerance but control. It started, of course, with a plea for tolerance, but then immediately shifted to a demand for acceptance and in due time to celebration of all things "gay." 
You'd think we would have learned with the Negroes.  It started, of course, with a plea for freedom and tolerance.  But only a hundred and fifty years later, it shifted to a demand for acceptance and in due time to celebration of all things "Black" (or at least those things that Pat Boone hadn't already stolen).  And did it stop there?  No!  Now one of them is President!  You think the White House was gaudy with those Chairman Mao Christmas decorations?  Well, you just wait until the first "gay" chief executive goes all Robert Verdi up in that bitch.
It wasn't enough, however, for prominent public officials in every major city to lead the "Gay Pride" parades. No, the agenda continued to unfold to another level, requiring forced participation in "gay" culture. Much of the country is on that cusp of celebration/coercion today, led by California with it's new aggressive K-12 homosexual advocacy curriculum, mandated by law. 
Now we come to that famous Annie Hall moment, where Woody Allen pulls Marshall McLuhan out from behind a sandwich board in the lobby of the New Yorker theater to refute some blowhard's theories on media.  Because as it happens, I'm married to a public school teacher in California, and not only is a "new aggressive K-12 homosexual advocacy curriculum, mandated by law" the kind of shin-deep bullshit rarely seen outside a stockyard, but even if it were true -- in the alternate dimension where gay barbarians conquer the Legions of Civilization with a blast from their warrior trombones, then vanish into the Schwarzwald with their leashed captives like a combination of Cesar Millan and Arminius -- the state of California doesn't give elementary school teachers enough time or resources to teach math or science, let alone homosexuality.

On the bright side, Mr. Lively, they've also eliminated the Music program, so at least there won't be any further generations of triumphal "gay" trumpeters (marching band being the root of all evil).
I'm old enough to remember the debate about whether homosexuals should be allowed to be teachers at all, let alone allowed to punish students for disagreeing with the class-time advocacy of their sexual lifestyle. I remember the protestations from the pro-homosexual side, that "gays and lesbians just want the right to be left alone. They would NEVER interject their private lives into the classroom." They all lied, and we believed them, and now our children and grandchildren are being forced to celebrate "gay" culture under penalty of law. 
Undoubtedly our children would be much better off with level-headed fellows like Mr. Lively in the classroom, but as for that "forced to celebrate 'gay' culture under penalty of law" stuff, I believe he has "discouragement of bigotry and bullying" confused with "tearing the tag off your mattress."
That is the end game for the "gays."
Which totally gives the "gays" an unfair advantage, because in chess, the Queen is the strongest piece on the board.  Sorry, Bishops.
The final stage of their agenda, which has always been about taking control of things, is the power to punish dissent: to silence or crush their detractors. They only have this level of control in a few places yet, but they are moving fast to achieve it everywhere, and the momentum is on their side. And wherever they have it, they use it.
I'm no math whiz, so maybe it's just a matter of ratios or pi, or something complicated like that, but I've never understood how gays and lesbians, who culture warriors like Mr. Lively insist are an infinitesimal fraction of society, are -- at the same time -- sufficiently numerous to take over every school in every district in the country, en route to conquering the world.  Maybe, like Lee Van Cleef, they're in league with that mind-controlling Venusian pickle.
"Children of Earth!  You will all bow down before me!  Also, your essay on Harvey Milk is due tomorrow.  Oh, and I'll be in my office Wednesday, but not Friday."
This brings me, in conclusion, to the subject of "gay marriage." Huh? How does "gay marriage" in any way relate to homosexual propaganda in schools? Or to Christian parents awakening late to the indoctrination of their children?

It is the same issue, my friends. "Gay marriage," "gay" curriculum, "gay" parades, "gay" TV shows, "gay" soldiers, "gay" adoption, "gay" diseases, "gay" recruitment and on and on.
Well, Mr. Lively -- do you mind if I don't call you Scott?  'Cause it kind of makes me nauseous -- if you don't mind some constructive criticism, it sounds like you may have the same problem with the word "gay" that Rocky Jones, Space Ranger, and his pal Winky had with the word "space"'s a slight touch of Modifier Mania:
...or maybe it's just a tic.  In any case, you should probably get that looked at.
So many seemingly separate issues that are really just one issue: the unnatural, dysfunctional, personally and socially destructive phenomenon of homosexual sin.
Homosexuality: it's the Swiss Army Knife of Sin!
We are warned clearly and emphatically about it in the Bible. We have seen its corrupting effect in history. And we are literally watching its ethic of sexual anarchy supplant the biblical model of family as the guiding value system of our society. 
On the bright side, as one of the last heterosexual married couples left on Earth, Mary and I are entitled to a complimentary appetizer with any regular priced entree at the Sizzler.
 I'm not going to add here how much I really love homosexuals and just hate their sin.
Too bad.  I feel you should always close with your best joke.
As a question of public policy it really shouldn't matter what I think about the perpetrators, just whether I am telling the truth about their agenda. I don't want to reinforce the ridiculous assumption that Christians need to offer a disclaimer to prove they aren't haters. It wouldn't mitigate their hostility toward me for saying it anyhow. Trust me. 
Surprisingly, I do trust your assertion that gays and lesbians aren't stupid enough to believe you're not a human boil swollen with the pus of irrational hatred.  I think we've made a breakthrough here.
We need to stand firmly and unapologetically on the hard truth that homosexuality is not a benign, morally neutral social phenomenon.
Mr. Lively likes his truth about homosexuality firm and hard, and who can blame him?
It is an insidious and contagious form of sexual perversion condemned by God as an abomination.
Science has proven that you can catch a same-sex blowjob from a toilet seat, but you should still put down that waxed paper.


Carl said...

"The cities they guard over today, say the contemporary Watchmen, are being destroyed by homosexuality."

Um, ain't exactly doin' it right there, are ya, Lively?

Anonymous said...

Well, as someone pointed out, there are no real EXPRESS prohibitions of homosexuality in the Bible...but I guess Mr. Lively was too busy boiling with rage to note that.

'Course, ya gotta wonder about anyone who's that obsessed about gaydom. Have we got issues, Mr. Lively, maybe? Denial is not always a river in Egypt?

Jay B. said...

Watchmen on the Walls -- is that what they call men's room voyeurism these days? "Pulling a shift as a Watchman"?

You can smell the self-loathing in his words and if you were close enough, surely the Santorum on his breath.

Ugluks Flea said...

We can hope he learns, before it is too late, that man is a feeling creature.

Even if they happen to be wearing assless chaps.
Next on Biography.

Anonymous said...

"Christian fundamentalists and ethnic Russians" ah, so the wackos who want to impose their hate on Latvian society are bonding with the totalitarians who spent 50 years trying to annihilate the Latvian language and culture. Marriage made in heaven. (But not the gay kind.)

Anonymous said...

What an irredeemable piece of shit...mind your own dog-damned business, Mr. Lively! Or just go fuck yourself....

Anonymous said...

Riga? Kampala? A "Lively" itenerary, if you will?

I seem to remember an ancient proverb: Those whom the gods destroy, they first make insane.

Good luck, Mr. Lively. We'll see you at that celestial airport men's room that awaits.

merlallen said...

any day now, he's going to be found wearing 2 wetsuits with a dildo up his ass.

D. Sidhe said...

I don't think he's closeted gay. I think he skullfucks puppies--only female ones--and then stomps them to death with his bare feet before eating them raw, and hating on gays is how he pretends he is not the worst fucking person God ever created.

Seriously, if you had shit like that crawling around in your soul, you too would be trying to find a sin you could honestly claim innocence of so you didn't just fucking dissolve into an oozing tumor out of self-loathing.

Sorry, I've never been able to find anything funny about this massive, massive prick.

gocart mozart said...

I think merlallen is right. Anyone who spends all his waking hours obsessing over butt sex probably has a few secret Bette Midler CD's in his collection.

Carl said...

'Gay' culture war: It's nearly lost

Onward Christina soldiers! March as if to appletinis!

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

What D. said, except about the enormous prick... while the lack of oxygen in teh bigot's brain would seem to indicate that the blood is mostly concentrated in the wrong areas, it doesn't necessitate a large appendage... mebbe he's been bled too many times by bad barbers... in way too many men's rooms...