Monday, January 2, 2012

Happy Belated Birthday, Doghouse Riley! I Got You a War!

Well, I screwed up.  Boy, did I screw up.  After I had to restore my phone, the app I used to keep track of Significant Dates ceased popping up with reminders, and as a result, I failed to offer birthday greetings to Doghouse Riley on December 21st.  In some ways, this is entirely in keeping with tradition, since I've gotten the date wrong for the past two years in a row, but never before have I flat out missed it.

So my sincere apologies to DR, who we think is kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being we've ever known, and one of the finest writers on the Internets -- although thanks to geographic destiny, his gift is mostly devoted to the creation of new and better euphemisms for Mitch Daniels' brief stature.  As a small token of our vast esteem, please accept this tardy photo of Sabrina Ferrilli:
And please join me in wishing the Hoosier Sage a very happy, if criminally overdue, birthday.

It's not enough though, is it?  Okay, in penance, I will read Larry Klayman's pitch for a wacky 3-camera sitcom: Larry Loves Curtis LeMay.

You're familiar with Larry Klayman of course -- the attorney (law license currently suspended) who founded Judicial Watch in 1994, and made his bones filing multiple, redundant, and groundless lawsuits against the Clinton Administration.  In 2006, in a comic misunderstanding worthy of Love, American Style, Larry sued Judicial Watch, perhaps due to a clerical error, or maybe he'd visited the optometrist, then tried going back to work while his pupils were still dilated.  After that episode, he ran for the U.S. Senate in Florida, but got trounced in the primary.  Now he's back with another group, this time called Freedom Watch, because Watch on the Rhine, Someone to Watch Over Me, and The Girl, the Gold Watch, and Everything were all copyrighted.

Larry also writes a column for WorldNetDaily (check out their snazzy new WordPress template!), and this week he goes from Watching the Judiciary and Freedom, to Watching Dr. Strangelove, which he seems to think is a documentary:

Let’s be blunt.
And realistic.  In fact, let's use reality as blunt instrument, then touch off a thermonuclear weapon to burn down the crime scene and destroy the evidence.  By the time the cops are through sifting the ashes, we'll be on a beach in Zihuatanejo, painting a boat.
 The Islamic Republic of Iran is and has always been the major problem and danger in the Middle East and internationally.
Ah, so apparently the Middle East is all one country -- someone inform Google Maps.  But Larry's right.  Remember the Iran-Iraq War?  True, Iraq started it, but Iran got top billing for a reason.
Iran will within months acquire atomic weapons that can be delivered through missiles as well as planes and ships

...and yet the bomb is still cold when it gets here! 30 minutes or less my ass...
...and has threatened – in the face of increased sanctions – not only to annihilate Israel and attack us too, but also to set ablaze the Strait of Hormuz, which is the gateway to oil shipments from Middle Eastern producers throughout the world. This would cripple the world’s economy and send us into an irreparable depression.
While turning the oil-rich sands of the Middle East into a radioactive wasteland is just a smart business plan, assuming we followed it up by immediately switching to an all glass and mutant-based economy.
Iran’s threat is a declaration of war, and we must now respond in kind with massive force!
Wouldn't responding in kind to a threat mean...making a threat?  "I can explain, Officer.  She slapped me, so I responded in kind by dismembering her with a chainsaw."

Anyway, it's been 70 years since we last declared war, so it figures we're a little rusty on the fundamentals, but a threat isn't a declaration.  Threats, at least at the diplomatic level, are usually a negotiating tactic, while in every day life, threats are usually a sign that you're spending too much time in a Youtube comment thread.
The immediate need to destroy the Islamic regime once and for all is heightened by what is going on in neighboring Iraq.
Because what's a sitcom without wacky neighbors?
Shiite Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, even by the admission of the liberal New York Times, “is moving to consolidate authority, create a one-party Shiite dominated state” and in effect throw his lot in with his Shiite brothers in Tehran – the neo-Nazi mullahs who not only threaten and are thus far succeeding with world conquest in the name of Allah
...assuming you count their Sunday afternoon games of Risk in the mosque basement.  Still, it's not the first time Persia has threatened Western Civilization, so Larry, I need you to round up 300 beefy guys in rawhide jockstraps and start painting them with olive oil.
 ...but also torture, maim and murder their own people to hold on to total power.
Which we hate, unless you're Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Israel, or the Oakland Police Department, in which case we'll pay for it.
So now Iran and Iraq will essentially be one big terrorist state – with tremendous wealth, thanks to their huge oil resources and revenues – bent on successfully waging Islamic revolution not just in the Middle East, but worldwide. And, of course we know that the Islamic regime supports other terrorist states and groups and is the major financier and source of terrorism.
Face it, they have a monopoly, just like the old Ma Bell, and it's producing the same anti-competitive effect.  The Justice Department needs to immediately sue to break up the Islamic regime, or smaller, regional terrorist groups will be priced out of the market.
I, for one, am aghast not just at the prospect of a “greater Iran,” but I am outraged that our so-called political leaders sacrificed a huge number of American lives for what was inevitable in the end. But despite the stupidity and negligence of George W. Bush and Barack Hussein Obama and their enablers, like Sen. John McCain, in not making the removal of the Islamic regime in Iran the major priority, now is the final time to act before it is too late. The radical mullahs in Tehran are a scourge that must be destroyed. To allow them to exist one minute more would be tantamount to reliving the mistakes that led to the rise of Adolf Hitler, World War II and the Holocaust.
So we should atone for our failure to stop the Holocaust in Germany by committing genocide in Iran.
Importantly, an increasing number of Iranian-Americans now understand that war with Iran will entail significant civilian casualties in their native country.
Clue Fever: Catch it!
And, while many Iranian-Americans still have loved ones there, they are increasingly willing to accept the consequences of all-out war with the Islamic regime. 
If their loved ones are anything like my relatives, it's not surprising.
 That is because they know, better than most of the rest of us, what this terrorist state means not only to the fight for freedom in their own country, but to world peace and hoped for economic prosperity. This is the most evil regime since the Third Reich, and it must be expunged now before it is too late.

So if Grandma promised you'd inherit her collection of porcelain figurines, you might want to go grab them now, before her Hummels acquire a half-life of 10,000 years.
Ironically, if there ever were a time to use nuclear weapons, like radiation-reduced neutron bombs, to excise a cancer such as this, now is the moment.
Even more ironically, a neutron bomb is an "enhanced radiation weapon (ERW)," since "the enormous radiation released by ERWs that is meant to be a major source of casualties."  So no offense, Larry, but I think I'd like a second opinion before we start the cancer treatments.
While our armed forces are now clear of the quagmire in Iraq, to sacrifice many more American lives would be criminal.  And, a quick strike is necessary – much like the Israeli pre-emptive air strikes that quickly put an end to what otherwise would have been a devastating war with neighboring Arab states in 1967 – to prevent a counterattack that would let the Islamic regime “get off the mat” and wreak devastation on the world economy by closing the Strait of Hormuz and attacking and seriously if not fatally harming Israel, and even other Western interests.
We must hit Iran with a nuclear sneak attack, because if we just do what we normally do -- bomb the indiscriminate crap out of them with conventional high explosives -- there might be someone left alive to shoot back at us.  And yeah, sure, perpetrating the equivalent of Pearl Harbor with nukes might seem harsh, but it would be criminal to lose a single American life to this worthy enterprise, whereas torching every Iran man, woman, and child would at worst get you into civil court.
To kill this regime, strong and decisive measures are necessary. The threat is not one just toward Israel anymore, but the entire civilized world, and in particular the well-being of the United States.
In other words, we need to take a strong dose of nuclear medicine.  Then we need to chase it with some potassium iodide to deal with our now luminous thyroids.
It is indeed sad that it has come to this. If Presidents Clinton, Bush and now Obama had had any foresight, a nuclear attack on Iran could have long since been averted.
We're expunging you more in sorrow than in anger.
Much like taking out a small lump in a cancerous female breast, the operation could have been simple and done with. Now a total radical double mastectomy is required.
We're going to bomb them back to the training bra.
Because of this inaction, this Islamic state – so strategically powerful – is the equivalent of Germany prior to World War II. And, it intends not just to eradicate Jews, but Christians as well in furtherance of its Muslim war on all of us.
Using the same conversion chart, I find that Larry is the equivalent of James Spader in Mannequin
We are just days from the Iowa caucuses, and some of you may look to a new Republican president in 2012 to solve this and other major problems. Even were a great leader to emerge...we cannot wait until early 2013 to crush the mullahs in Iran.
"Because this erection has already lasted longer than four hours, and my doctor's phone is going straight to voice mail."
And frankly, no Republican candidate has advocated a massive strike to end the Islamic regime.
Oh sure, they're crazy...but they're not Klayman Krazy.
The Republicans just talk a good game. Where have they been for the last three years, as the cancer grew to a tremendous size under the “mullah in chief,” Barack Hussein Obama?! Their efforts amounted to little more than political gamesmanship and are sickening!

Unless he is forced, the prospects of President Obama ordering this forceful action are not great. We thus need to put heat on our political and governmental interests by rising up and demanding this.
Apocalypse Now!
Obama and Hillary Clinton are traitors, and they are probably bribed to the hilt by Iran, but that does not relieve the rest of us from demanding action! We cannot allow for the rise of another Hitler-type regime at this time in world history.
It might conflict with our Spring recital by Sparkle Motion.
There are enough problems that confront us, and we must NOW take drastic measures to remove these vile and evil Islamic terrorists from the face of the earth, if for no other reason than to allow us to deal with other matters and get on with business.
"People, people... (taps gavel)...The Chair cannot entertain any motion to consider new business until the Clerk has read the minutes of the last meeting and everyone in Iran is a smoldering corpse."


heydave said...

Wow, you found one garish yet glamorous asshat for DogHouse, didn't you?

In any case, happy birthday, Mr. Dog. Did I miss something or did you not even gloat over your annual commemoration at your site?

Kordo said...

Crap, I missed his B-day, too. I'm a shitty fan, I confess. Can I sign my name to the Sabrina Ferilli card? (there appears to be, ahh, ample room...)
Happy Birthday, Riley!

Ah, Mr. Klayman! I admire a website with an appreciation of the Klassics. This guy is setting a high bar, Wingnuts. Used to be you could get an appearance on Fox News just for advocating small-scale, conventional Death to Whomever. Larry has dialed that shit up to 11, and called for Instant Neutronic Death Right-Fuckin'-Now! Take note, you pacifist pussies at RedState: Genocide is the new Nation Building.

I need a drink. Fuck it, I'm taking up heroin...

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Yeah, he kept the B-Day on the down-low. Good idea, imho.

Way to make it another revolution around the sun, Doghouse!

Stacia said...

But I got him this gently-used mushroom cloud! Thankfully, I still have the receipt so I can exchange it for Oliver North's soul kept in a Ball jar. Glue a little macaroni to it and it'll be suitable decor for any room.

Happy birthday, DR!

trashfire said...

I note from his biography that Mr. Klayman was born in 1951 and spent the late 60s and early 70s at university. He had no idea how conservative he was, says he. I say he was too chickenshit to go to war and from wealthy enough upbringing that he didn't have to go to Canada. But he's now got the stones to demand that others at the same stage of life should now take up arms against an imaginary foe.

Let's say Dubya was right, that Iran and North Korea were part of an axis of evil (a wobbly one, now that Iraq has become a beacon of progressive democracy) - if we nuke Iran, isn't that provocation enough for Kim Young'Un to launch a barrage of nukes at Alaska (kids these days, I tell ya...), finally giving Sara P. the foreign policy experience that she was so sorely lacking in 2008?

If you're wondering why he's a former attorney, check out Daily Kos 11/5/2011 post.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Welp, not to toot my own horn, as I am far too arthritic and far-less limber than I used to be... couldn't pull THAT stunt off without severe Cirque du Soleil wiring, flying rigs, and an entire crew of time-and-a-half Teamsters.

Oh, wait, where was I? RIGHT. YOUR BIRFDAY, Doghouse! I dunno if you 'member or not, but back around your actual natal day, I not only had already listed your birf/hatching day in that month's List O'Birfdays on my blog, the long-abandoned ghost-town known as "Markk Of The Beast" (prolly still charitably niched in Sheri & Scott's blogroll), but I also came over HERE (and NO, that is NOT a money-shot joke, you perverts!!!) to wish you repeated birfday well-wishes. I hope that you saw them, as I have no way of knowing if you came to M.O.B. or not, without your leaving a comment behind. SiteMeter only helps when you already know the servers, locations, and IP addies (only for VERY close friends/stalkers/freaktard trolls) of the visitor in question.

At any rate, you are highly privileged, to have been honored here @ W'oC TWICE (Scott may not remember it, but I would SWEAR on a case of 96-proof, REAL, ORIGINAL Old No. 7, that he did/said/printed SOMETHING about your being fortunate enough to continue to share a planet with fucktards like me...) *AND*! you were ALSO honored in our time-honored tradition of Teh Birfday Lists @ MOB!!!

Yer one lucky bastid, to be beloved by so many, Doghouse. Drop by and say hello whenever you get a chance, wouldja please? XOXOXO, A.S.C.

ONE MORE TIME, FOR THE CHEAP SEATS IN THE BACK: Happy happy joy joy happy happy joy joy, etc.!!!!

(Sorry, been sick again, sleep all fucked-up and deprived by the schizophrenic crackheads next door and their ill-begotten grandspawn... Will try harder to happy-happy-joy-joy THIS coming December, eh?)

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Damned shame when you can't even properly spell the name of your own corpse of a fucking BLOG!

{Creepy-as-fuck TMI-ism: My new super-secret-decoder-ring word for THIS post is "Demi. which leads me to believe that the kaballahists, like teh Mor(m)ons & Scientologists, are TAKING OVER THIS ENTIRE COUNTRY by buying-up chunks of entire media conglomerates. Who the fuck BUT some sub-sub-sub-subsidiary of Viacom or Sony (which now owns the OTHER 1/5th of ALL MEDIA IN THE U.S.!!!) like TMZ where short, insecure, vicious little men who dress 30 years younger than they actually ARE, hang out all day with stoners, twinkies & snark-addict bitchy bitches, making THEIR obscene revenue OFF OF *SAID* CELEBRITIES, without whom Harvey Levin might someday actually have to learn how to WORK!!! --- And I bring up TMZ, because who the fuck ELSE would give enough of a fuck to plant decoder-ring secret words like "Demi," were it not to try to, to quote Harvey's favorite preznit, as a SUBLIMINIABLE message to have users directly go to whatever search engine and crave information about the May-December-of-the-NEXT-YEAR "romance"/breakup that JUST missed being a felony in 47 states.}

Yes, I blame Harvey Levin for my decoder-ring word. Who better? Not like CHENEY gives enough of a fuck to screw with us common folk anymore!

Bill S. said...

Following Annti is a bit daunting, since anything I post will look like some footnote.
But a belated Happy Birthday to D.R., and a Happy New Year to all of youse!
Let's hope some form of sanity dominates 2012.

James Briggs Stratton "Doghouse" Riley said...

And a belated Thank You to everyone.

Jay B. said...

Happy 39th DR! [wink]

Now, if somehow the Pats' can get just enough D to beat the other frauds in the AFC, I might just get to enjoy the glittering splendor of Indy in February and buy you that drink I never promised.

Anntichrist S. Coulter said...

Okay, after this punch in the chest, I couldn't finish the piece, but by damn, fucking OW!!!, Scott!!!

...but also torture, maim and murder their own people to hold on to total power.

Which we hate, unless you're Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Israel, or the Oakland Police Department, in which case we'll pay for it.


Fucking OW!!!, man!!! Nailed it with a very-high PSI motherfucking NAIL-GUN RIGHT TO THE FUCKING SKULL.

SO jealous.

Ya bastard.